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Responsibilities for elderly relatives
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"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering?" By doing what’s needed and not interfering | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? By doing what’s needed and not interfering " It really isn't that simple | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? By doing what’s needed and not interfering It really isn't that simple" Believe me I know...it is | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering?" A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering?" Ooh don’t go there  . My mum, uncle and aunt are all in their 70s and the problem is that they are still independent and mentally “all there” but then they do mad things that I have to sort out (“look at this lovely hoover I bought for £1000”, “I signed up for Amazon prime, what is it?” And on and on and on.
I have learnt one thin, you cannot stop the ones you live falling over, you can only pick them up, dust them off and help them back on their way when they do.
I keep a close watch, but don’t interfere in their choices, what I do is talk to them about it to make sure they know and understand what it is they are signing up for etc. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. " How about if a situation is dangerous? | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous?" Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous | |||
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"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous?" I looked after my dad for almost 5 years before he died, I had to interfere alot as he sadly had other family members trying to take advantage Always step in if you have been the slightest concern, at least then you know you've done what's best, even if they are not happy at the time. Can you report the danger? | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous?" Yes an emotional roller coaster... Making things as safe as possible... Trip hazards... Gas, electric and so on.. That journey of losing independence... I wished I had done a lot of things differently but it came from a well meaning place. I found getting an independent expert / voice sometimes helped as well. That and... Never shout. | |||
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"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering?" Been doing this for over a year, shielding vulnerable relatives. And I'm glad I've been able to help them and keep them safe. It's not easy, I've always felt I get it wrong - too little or too much 'interference' at any given time. On reflection, as long as you're trying your best, being constructive and communicating, then keep on keeping on. However you help, it will be appreciated. Best Wishes and Good Luck. | |||
"Strange thing is, my aunt (in her 70s) actually acts as a carer to people in their 60s who haven’t aged as well. OP. If they are in danger, and that is clear and present (no pun intended), then step in. It is your only choice, regardless of the impact to their feelings. Harsh, I know, but necessary. " Agree. Or ask someone else to. It’s surprising what a professional stranger in a uniform can do and say that you can’t or won’t. Get a nurse or cater to visit once a week | |||
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"It's a tricky one. I've seen it between my parents and grandparents. One of my nans has remarried a man 20 years younger than her who's a bit of a prick. When she was younger they just saw it as her choice and not their place to interfere. Now that she's older and less mobile, it's become more of an issue as he doesn't help take care of the house, refuses to have necessary repairs made and regularly leaves her alone for days and she's ended up having falls with nobody there to help pick her up. Social services have ended up involved and they refuse any help from carers. It's all very difficult when you want the best for your family but as long as they're of sound mind, unfortunately you have to let them make their own decisions. As frustrating and upsetting as those decisions can be. " I got social services involved in the end sometimes you can only help as much as you can my sister happy comftable now so hope things get better for relative x | |||
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"I try and explain my views to my parents, but ultimately it works best if they feel listened to. They are much more likely to follow good advice when they feel genuinely heard. " That, and they only hear you if they agree with you  | |||
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"I’m going to have to find this fine line very quickly. My Dad needs to stop driving and I need to be the one that tells him the hard facts. " Oh god, that's such a hard one. I feel for you. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous " Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance" I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? | |||
"Strange thing is, my aunt (in her 70s) actually acts as a carer to people in their 60s who haven’t aged as well. OP. If they are in danger, and that is clear and present (no pun intended), then step in. It is your only choice, regardless of the impact to their feelings. Harsh, I know, but necessary. " Yes I think you're right. Thanks for your input | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things?" They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble" | |||
"The line keeps moving so I've stopped worrying about it. " I hear ya. I keep saying I've stopped worrying about it...I haven't | |||
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"I’m going to have to find this fine line very quickly. My Dad needs to stop driving and I need to be the one that tells him the hard facts. " We went through this with my dad. He wouldn't accept it but thankfully (in a strange way) was too ill to get back behind the wheel. I don't know how we would of got him to stop otherwise. I feel for you  | |||
"I can't respond to you all. Thanks for your input "I don't have any helpful advice I'm afraid but I can relate to a degree, it's really hard and never black and white. Sending you hugs | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble"" At the risk of being melodramatic - I've seen one instance where that attitude resulted in death. The "trouble" of the worst case scenarios here are much worse than false alarms. But I get the attitude. See it a lot. It's bloody hard. | |||
"I’m going to have to find this fine line very quickly. My Dad needs to stop driving and I need to be the one that tells him the hard facts. Oh god, that's such a hard one. I feel for you." This is a problem for me, too. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble" At the risk of being melodramatic - I've seen one instance where that attitude resulted in death. The "trouble" of the worst case scenarios here are much worse than false alarms. But I get the attitude. See it a lot. It's bloody hard." This could easily result in death. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering?" It's a fine balancing act indeed dependant on the required care level of course, but my theory has been to allow as much independence as possible within reason. Lockdown took this hugely away from my elder but the flipside is that the will to do more basic things has taken over since movement has become freer. Luckily there are no physical issues other than sore joints to contend with so my tasks are mainly house cleaning, bed changes gardening and DIY. It helps if the person requiring care appreciates some things are no longer physically possible tbh | |||
"I’m going to have to find this fine line very quickly. My Dad needs to stop driving and I need to be the one that tells him the hard facts. We went through this with my dad. He wouldn't accept it but thankfully (in a strange way) was too ill to get back behind the wheel. I don't know how we would of got him to stop otherwise. I feel for you "I had this with an old guy across the way (he was in his 90s). We chatted about it and he was having none of it. I did something awful, I knew he had no peripheral vision so I walked up to his car whilst he was reversing and thumped the side of it. He got out and looked at me and said “I didn’t see you” and that was that. | |||
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"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble" At the risk of being melodramatic - I've seen one instance where that attitude resulted in death. The "trouble" of the worst case scenarios here are much worse than false alarms. But I get the attitude. See it a lot. It's bloody hard. This could easily result in death. " I'm so sorry. Without the infrastructure I work within, my advice would be to speak to your GP for advice. Which feels a bit weak but is at least a start. And/or - would they be ok with check in calls? Most of the people I serve have regular quick calls from relatives to say good morning, afternoon, and good night - and all but the most pig headed (I say affectionately - I'm going to be that kind of nightmare myself  ) accept this as part of their routine. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble"" My nan is the same! With her one (not sure if all are the same) they call her if its activated and then if she doesn't answer they send someone. When asked why she didn't press the button last time she said because she wouldn't be able to get to the phone!! Personally I think that's just a cover and I think she's really trying to prevent people coming in their house because she doesn't want them to see the true situation of her being left alone in a 3 story townhouse when she's had both her hips replaced and refer them to social services again. My other nan just used to not wear hers. It really is so difficult and they seem to dig their heels in more the older they get. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance" I think we have all been worried about ever calling for an ambulance especially when my generation and older as it is meant for emergencies and sometimes you are not sure if it is or not For example I had to call an ambulance for the OH a few years back but he argued I shouldn't and if I am honest I probably wouldn't have done if it was for myself but as it was for someone else I did. Does he / she think like this? | |||
" They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble"" Ah, sort of what I meant in my post | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I think we have all been worried about ever calling for an ambulance especially when my generation and older as it is meant for emergencies and sometimes you are not sure if it is or not For example I had to call an ambulance for the OH a few years back but he argued I shouldn't and if I am honest I probably wouldn't have done if it was for myself but as it was for someone else I did. Does he / she think like this? " To be honest I don't know what they think any more. The instances where an ambulance is needed always follow the same pattern and same symptoms and they KNOW an ambulance is required. The hospital and numerous doctors and paramedics have told them to call an ambulance in this situation. | |||
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"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble" At the risk of being melodramatic - I've seen one instance where that attitude resulted in death. The "trouble" of the worst case scenarios here are much worse than false alarms. But I get the attitude. See it a lot. It's bloody hard. This could easily result in death. I'm so sorry. Without the infrastructure I work within, my advice would be to speak to your GP for advice. Which feels a bit weak but is at least a start. And/or - would they be ok with check in calls? Most of the people I serve have regular quick calls from relatives to say good morning, afternoon, and good night - and all but the most pig headed (I say affectionately - I'm going to be that kind of nightmare myself ) accept this as part of their routine."They have carers and regular calls from me. It's an impossible situation and sort of like watching a car crash in slow motion | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble" At the risk of being melodramatic - I've seen one instance where that attitude resulted in death. The "trouble" of the worst case scenarios here are much worse than false alarms. But I get the attitude. See it a lot. It's bloody hard. This could easily result in death. I'm so sorry. Without the infrastructure I work within, my advice would be to speak to your GP for advice. Which feels a bit weak but is at least a start. And/or - would they be ok with check in calls? Most of the people I serve have regular quick calls from relatives to say good morning, afternoon, and good night - and all but the most pig headed (I say affectionately - I'm going to be that kind of nightmare myself ) accept this as part of their routine.
They have carers and regular calls from me.
It's an impossible situation and sort of like watching a car crash in slow motion"I hear you. I'm sorry. I'd still speak to your GP - if only for your own wellbeing, in that you know you've done all you can. (I think you have - but I don't think my voluntary experience qualifies me to make that call) | |||
"The line keeps moving so I've stopped worrying about it. I hear ya. I keep saying I've stopped worrying about it...I haven't " I haven't stopped worrying either!  | |||
" To be honest I don't know what they think any more. The instances where an ambulance is needed always follow the same pattern and same symptoms and they KNOW an ambulance is required. The hospital and numerous doctors and paramedics have told them to call an ambulance in this situation. " I think it is a generation thing, they don't want to be a bother even if they have been told they can be My own mum and dad were exactly the same when they were alive and to some extent we are. I think it needs intervention as I did ,but as you probably won't be there through the night then I am not sure what you can do | |||
"This is a difficult one. My dad is refusing to accept his condition, and my mum is finding it hard to cope. " Same here. I live with my parents as a carer/supporter. My dad has a formal diagnosis and either isn't aware or is refusing to accept. At times it's tricky when you try to help but he doesn't want help as, in his words, 'I don't need help'. I'm inbetween the letting things role and stepping in stage - it's trying to judge when you step in. | |||
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" To be honest I don't know what they think any more. The instances where an ambulance is needed always follow the same pattern and same symptoms and they KNOW an ambulance is required. The hospital and numerous doctors and paramedics have told them to call an ambulance in this situation. I think it is a generation thing, they don't want to be a bother even if they have been told they can be My own mum and dad were exactly the same when they were alive and to some extent we are. I think it needs intervention as I did ,but as you probably won't be there through the night then I am not sure what you can do "You're right. I think you've got the nail on the head. I can't do anything and I might have to accept that. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I forget the name of them - would they get one of those wearable personal alarm things? They've got one "lifeline". They won't use it. It would "cause too much trouble" At the risk of being melodramatic - I've seen one instance where that attitude resulted in death. The "trouble" of the worst case scenarios here are much worse than false alarms. But I get the attitude. See it a lot. It's bloody hard. This could easily result in death. I'm so sorry. Without the infrastructure I work within, my advice would be to speak to your GP for advice. Which feels a bit weak but is at least a start. And/or - would they be ok with check in calls? Most of the people I serve have regular quick calls from relatives to say good morning, afternoon, and good night - and all but the most pig headed (I say affectionately - I'm going to be that kind of nightmare myself ) accept this as part of their routine.
They have carers and regular calls from me.
It's an impossible situation and sort of like watching a car crash in slow motion
I hear you. I'm sorry.
I'd still speak to your GP - if only for your own wellbeing, in that you know you've done all you can. (I think you have - but I don't think my voluntary experience qualifies me to make that call)"Thank you | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I think we have all been worried about ever calling for an ambulance especially when my generation and older as it is meant for emergencies and sometimes you are not sure if it is or not For example I had to call an ambulance for the OH a few years back but he argued I shouldn't and if I am honest I probably wouldn't have done if it was for myself but as it was for someone else I did. Does he / she think like this? To be honest I don't know what they think any more. The instances where an ambulance is needed always follow the same pattern and same symptoms and they KNOW an ambulance is required. The hospital and numerous doctors and paramedics have told them to call an ambulance in this situation. " I'm really sorry to ask this. But do you think they may be delaying asking for help on purpose as a kind of DNR thing? X | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I think we have all been worried about ever calling for an ambulance especially when my generation and older as it is meant for emergencies and sometimes you are not sure if it is or not For example I had to call an ambulance for the OH a few years back but he argued I shouldn't and if I am honest I probably wouldn't have done if it was for myself but as it was for someone else I did. Does he / she think like this? To be honest I don't know what they think any more. The instances where an ambulance is needed always follow the same pattern and same symptoms and they KNOW an ambulance is required. The hospital and numerous doctors and paramedics have told them to call an ambulance in this situation. I'm really sorry to ask this. But do you think they may be delaying asking for help on purpose as a kind of DNR thing? X" Don't be sorry, I've been asked much worse things than that in connection with this. I know that there's an element of cognitive impairment, an element of fear and an element of just not acknowledging that things are as serious as they are. Also as Ruggers says they just don't want to be a bother | |||
"If you think relatives are at harm as not able to care for themselves propetly it is time to call social work for advice or have a word with their doctor to discuss your concerns." I don't want to slag off social services because I know they're stretched but it doesn't necessarily help. With my nan, her and her husband just lied to them and they believed them. They also gave them notice of when they were coming to look at the house to make sure it's suitable and her husband cleaned the place spotless (which is even more infuriating as it shows he can when he needs to) and promised to replace the broken toilet and the stair lifts that aren't fit for purpose. It's been a couple of years and none of those changes have been made and the stair lifts still keep breaking. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I think we have all been worried about ever calling for an ambulance especially when my generation and older as it is meant for emergencies and sometimes you are not sure if it is or not For example I had to call an ambulance for the OH a few years back but he argued I shouldn't and if I am honest I probably wouldn't have done if it was for myself but as it was for someone else I did. Does he / she think like this? To be honest I don't know what they think any more. The instances where an ambulance is needed always follow the same pattern and same symptoms and they KNOW an ambulance is required. The hospital and numerous doctors and paramedics have told them to call an ambulance in this situation. I'm really sorry to ask this. But do you think they may be delaying asking for help on purpose as a kind of DNR thing? X Don't be sorry, I've been asked much worse things than that in connection with this. I know that there's an element of cognitive impairment, an element of fear and an element of just not acknowledging that things are as serious as they are. Also as Ruggers says they just don't want to be a bother" My grandparents on my mum's side who are sadly no longer with us, they both hated being in hospital and I genuinely believe they used to avoid going not because they didn't believe it was necessary, just through fear of never leaving again . | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? Oh dang, how do you mean dangerous Not being able to make sensible decisions around health. E.g. Waiting all night before calling an ambulance I think we have all been worried about ever calling for an ambulance especially when my generation and older as it is meant for emergencies and sometimes you are not sure if it is or not For example I had to call an ambulance for the OH a few years back but he argued I shouldn't and if I am honest I probably wouldn't have done if it was for myself but as it was for someone else I did. Does he / she think like this? To be honest I don't know what they think any more. The instances where an ambulance is needed always follow the same pattern and same symptoms and they KNOW an ambulance is required. The hospital and numerous doctors and paramedics have told them to call an ambulance in this situation. I'm really sorry to ask this. But do you think they may be delaying asking for help on purpose as a kind of DNR thing? X Don't be sorry, I've been asked much worse things than that in connection with this. I know that there's an element of cognitive impairment, an element of fear and an element of just not acknowledging that things are as serious as they are. Also as Ruggers says they just don't want to be a bother My grandparents on my mum's side who are sadly no longer with us, they both hated being in hospital and I genuinely believe they used to avoid going not because they didn't believe it was necessary, just through fear of never leaving again . "Yep this too. | |||
It must be really challenging. I know my Grandmother is very self reliant and doesn't like asking for help even if she needs it. | |||
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Then the vaccine came out so it started again of why we should get it etc etc
Now Ok we were all worried about each other so it was understandable but being treated as if you can't make a decision for yourself when you have your own faculties is sometimes not welcome. Sometimes role reversal is not what people want.
I think we have to realise even if we know an older relative that might need help, those older people may not think the roles want reversing.
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"On the other side of the coin... at the start of the pandemic we were told by our grown up children what we should be doing and wanting to take over with shopping etc so we didn't move anywhere. When they started opening up they then started questioning where we were going. We rebelled once and went out without telling them
Then the vaccine came out so it started again of why we should get it etc etc
Now Ok we were all worried about each other so it was understandable but being treated as if you can't make a decision for yourself when you have your own faculties is sometimes not welcome. Sometimes role reversal is not what people want.
I think we have to realise even if we know an older relative that might need help, those older people may not think the roles want reversing.
"It's very difficult, and I think for those of us with youngish parents the pandemic has come as a rude early shock. I used humour on my parents - sometimes it works for those whose needs are higher too - and explained why I was worried. I grounded Mum, she grounded me, we both grounded Dad. Shall we ground Grandma? Not if you want to live, Swing, you're on the other side of the world but she'll still get you - etc | |||
"On the other side of the coin... at the start of the pandemic we were told by our grown up children what we should be doing and wanting to take over with shopping etc so we didn't move anywhere. When they started opening up they then started questioning where we were going. We rebelled once and went out without telling them
Then the vaccine came out so it started again of why we should get it etc etc
Now Ok we were all worried about each other so it was understandable but being treated as if you can't make a decision for yourself when you have your own faculties is sometimes not welcome. Sometimes role reversal is not what people want.
I think we have to realise even if we know an older relative that might need help, those older people may not think the roles want reversing.
"This is very true. We had people messaging us on here asking if we needed help too . Part of the conflict is that I understand where they're coming from. They're adults, I'm their child it must be tough | |||
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"Had this for ages with my dad who'd basically cared for my mum for a few years but increasingly couldn't cope. It was really tough trying to convince him to get a little help and his conviction that everyone who visted her was a potential thief or worse didn't help matters. It was a case of 1 step forward 2 steps back for years and it was making me ill. In the end he was hospitalised for a few weeks with cancer and my mum had to have carers or be admitted to a home (which neither of them ever wanted) so the carers were arranged. However on his return home he just made their lives difficult and would do all sorts of things to stop them attending or helping out with handling her personal care and making sure the flat was clean and safe. I tried my best but regretfully had to take a step back and leave it to the carers. Everyone wanted the best for them and to arrive at a compromise but he wouldn't accept that he could no longer cope so the decisions had to be made for him or my mum's health would have been at risk. " I completely understand. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering?" Yes I looked after nan for years we only lost her this year 96 she was it’s still raw . It’s a thin line But I think by doing your best and doing what’s best for whom we are caring for . It love was hard at the end but wouldn’t change it for the Universe Miss her like mad but so many beautiful memories, love you nan xx | |||
"I look after my mum. Careers come in during the day when I'm at work or away. They do an amazing job looking after her and I cook her meals when I'm there. Her weight plummeted and she then broke her hip so she's bed bound and I just feel it's only right to look after her now the way she did when I was young. " It's natural to want to care for your parents but it is also natural for parents to want to maintain the status quo with regard to parent/ child power balance | |||
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"My dad is very elderly and now it is becoming difficult for him to live independently. He already nearly caused a split between my sibling and their partner as he was living with them however he is just really difficult. There is never a right answer. Always a case by case situation. I just let him get on however recently there has been some dangerous instances. All I can do is put things in place where possible (altering his home, buying him certain things etc) as long as he agrees to it. If it was too dangerous I would consider going down the care route to an extent in case of situations in the future where he doesn’t have capacity to make decisions. Otherwise all I can do for now is advise and he is very stubborn. " I recommend that while he is still able to make decisions you broach signing a Power of Attorney with him now for both Finance and Health. If you wait too long then you are at risk of not being able to manage his affairs when he is no longer able to. | |||
"My dad is very elderly and now it is becoming difficult for him to live independently. He already nearly caused a split between my sibling and their partner as he was living with them however he is just really difficult. There is never a right answer. Always a case by case situation. I just let him get on however recently there has been some dangerous instances. All I can do is put things in place where possible (altering his home, buying him certain things etc) as long as he agrees to it. If it was too dangerous I would consider going down the care route to an extent in case of situations in the future where he doesn’t have capacity to make decisions. Otherwise all I can do for now is advise and he is very stubborn. I recommend that while he is still able to make decisions you broach signing a Power of Attorney with him now for both Finance and Health. If you wait too long then you are at risk of not being able to manage his affairs when he is no longer able to." Yes. Me and my brother have already done this with my mum. She was writing her will and putting her house into trust anyway so while we were signing things with the solicitor anyway we did that. It was difficult to think about but I'm kinda glad she's prepared. I think losing her parents sparked her to sort it all. | |||
"My dad is very elderly and now it is becoming difficult for him to live independently. He already nearly caused a split between my sibling and their partner as he was living with them however he is just really difficult. There is never a right answer. Always a case by case situation. I just let him get on however recently there has been some dangerous instances. All I can do is put things in place where possible (altering his home, buying him certain things etc) as long as he agrees to it. If it was too dangerous I would consider going down the care route to an extent in case of situations in the future where he doesn’t have capacity to make decisions. Otherwise all I can do for now is advise and he is very stubborn. I recommend that while he is still able to make decisions you broach signing a Power of Attorney with him now for both Finance and Health. If you wait too long then you are at risk of not being able to manage his affairs when he is no longer able to. Yes. Me and my brother have already done this with my mum. She was writing her will and putting her house into trust anyway so while we were signing things with the solicitor anyway we did that. It was difficult to think about but I'm kinda glad she's prepared. I think losing her parents sparked her to sort it all. " Thanks guys that’s something for me to surely think about | |||
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"I am that elderly relative being a mere 81 years old. I have just one daughter who shall we say keeps an eye on me, not interfering but there when I need her. Last week she made an unannounced visit and caught me at the top of a ladder cleaning out the guttering, needless to say she wiped the floor with me and confiscated the ladder. I ma secretly dreading the day when I have lived on my own for over 40 years, I have a fantastic circle of loyal close friends who again keep an eye on me and who are there if I need help. Neighbours are great and between us we share hospital runs where needed, picking up prescriptions, Grocery shopping during the lockdowns and so on. I drive 3 or 4 days a week and have made it clear to anyone who comes with me that if they are anytime concerned about my driving do not hesitate to tell me. Living in a village with a very limited bus service would not be easy if I had to stop driving but we will cross that bridge when the time comes. My aim is to avoid having to go into a care home as that will wreck the grandkids inheritance "Not if you put your home in trust. Though of course I totally recognise that there's other reasons for wanting to avoid going to a care home. Just trying to avoid the government getting their hands on people's hard earned money! | |||
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"My dad is very elderly and now it is becoming difficult for him to live independently. He already nearly caused a split between my sibling and their partner as he was living with them however he is just really difficult. There is never a right answer. Always a case by case situation. I just let him get on however recently there has been some dangerous instances. All I can do is put things in place where possible (altering his home, buying him certain things etc) as long as he agrees to it. If it was too dangerous I would consider going down the care route to an extent in case of situations in the future where he doesn’t have capacity to make decisions. Otherwise all I can do for now is advise and he is very stubborn. I recommend that while he is still able to make decisions you broach signing a Power of Attorney with him now for both Finance and Health. If you wait too long then you are at risk of not being able to manage his affairs when he is no longer able to. Yes. Me and my brother have already done this with my mum. She was writing her will and putting her house into trust anyway so while we were signing things with the solicitor anyway we did that. It was difficult to think about but I'm kinda glad she's prepared. I think losing her parents sparked her to sort it all. Thanks guys that’s something for me to surely think about "Yes it is expensive to do as you have to pay for the two but things can get worse very quickly. If you Dad has limited income you can do them for free. Easy to do online yourself and then just needs his signature of consent and 2 witnesses that know him. | |||
Anyone who says it's easy to know where help and interfering start and end are wrong.
Staying here for five days has set me SO far back in terms of my own disability. I've not been in this much pain or my leg been so swollen in years, because at home, I have special chairs etc to alleviate a bit and my mattress is specifically chosen, not full of broken springs.
I have a 4yo daughter who has never spent more than a night or so away from me so if anyone thinks I'm here interfering and out of my own choice to butt in, they can go and take a hike.
My brother says he cannot take the time off work nor will he leave his wife with two children who are older than my daughter. His disabled sister will do it
Nicecouple - you have to do what you think is right for your parents, based on what the evidence is in front of you. If there are evident safety issues, you should step in, even if it means causing a fuss, because I believe we have a duty of care where someone lacks capacity to make sensible decisions for themselves. My Dad definitely cannot make sensible decisions for himself for many things now so I'm having to negotiate and cajole to get him to do things like isolate before his procedure, not eat brown bread and drink wine for a few days etc. | |||
"This disabled woman has been living with her almost 82yo father since Thursday, also attempting to continue working whilst sitting on hideously uncomfortable antique furniture. He's definitely got dementia (tests results are in) and has absolutely zero short term memory. I mean nil. Took him for a Covid swab on Saturday at the hospital, by the time we'd got home (half an hour), he'd forgotten. I'm supervising a special medical diet before he has tests tomorrow morning and I have had to INTERFERE. Like big time. The list of allowed foods is about as short as his memory but he refused to let me make his toast this morning (white, thin layer of butter, no jam allowed). I left a loaf of white bread by the toaster and retreated to the dining room. He emerged a few minutes later with two slices of granary, bread he'd retrieved from the freezer. Which I had to confiscate and got an earful for giving him white. I've explained multiple times since 6pm that he can't eat anything until after the tests tomorrow, but I've had to redirect him from the biscuit tin etc multiple times. I'm sat on a super duper uncomfortable Chesterfield sofa by the kitchen door because I don't trust he won't come back downstairs and wander to eat something. I'll get verbal in the morning (again) because he can't go into Tesco to get his paper (isolating), nor can he eat anything. I have to try and listen out for any signs of movement in the morning and get up immediately before he quaffs something and buggers up the test
Anyone who says it's easy to know where help and interfering start and end are wrong.
Staying here for five days has set me SO far back in terms of my own disability. I've not been in this much pain or my leg been so swollen in years, because at home, I have special chairs etc to alleviate a bit and my mattress is specifically chosen, not full of broken springs.
I have a 4yo daughter who has never spent more than a night or so away from me so if anyone thinks I'm here interfering and out of my own choice to butt in, they can go and take a hike.
My brother says he cannot take the time off work nor will he leave his wife with two children who are older than my daughter. His disabled sister will do it
Nicecouple - you have to do what you think is right for your parents, based on what the evidence is in front of you. If there are evident safety issues, you should step in, even if it means causing a fuss, because I believe we have a duty of care where someone lacks capacity to make sensible decisions for themselves. My Dad definitely cannot make sensible decisions for himself for many things now so I'm having to negotiate and cajole to get him to do things like isolate before his procedure, not eat brown bread and drink wine for a few days etc. "I will do what is right for my parents, there's no question of that. However I need to safeguard myself and do what is right for me too. | |||
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"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart" Absolutely agree. Nicecouple, I thoroughly empathise with your situation with respect to your parents
My Dad today looked like a lost little boy in the hospital, it's painful to see  | |||
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"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart" My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart" My sister and I looked after our grandmother for the 6 years before she passed. Our mum is and has been next to useless for longer than that and Dad went from working all the time to being severely mobility impaired very quickly, so we took her on. The hardest decision we had to make was to move her to a care home, but we actually couldn't cope, even with carers coming in twice a day towards the end. She was pretty far into dementia so we had some battles before she moved, but once she was there it took about 3 days for her to think she had lived there for years. It was the best thing for her. And meant that we could get a bit of our lives back for a few years before we started looking after the parents. | |||
"I’m going to have to find this fine line very quickly. My Dad needs to stop driving and I need to be the one that tells him the hard facts. " I found an old lady in her car revving it to death in a carpark.... couldn't go backwards for the life of her ...I helped her park but suggested that she should give her keys to one of her children before she bashed into something or someone | |||
"I’m going to have to find this fine line very quickly. My Dad needs to stop driving and I need to be the one that tells him the hard facts. I found an old lady in her car revving it to death in a carpark.... couldn't go backwards for the life of her ...I helped her park but suggested that she should give her keys to one of her children before she bashed into something or someone "Some years ago before she died my aunt rang in a panic to say her speedo wasn't working and she was worried about driving home. We dashed to where she was to discover that she wasn't driving fast enough to register on the speedo .
It was suggested then that she stopped driving but she didn't | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart Absolutely agree. Nicecouple, I thoroughly empathise with your situation with respect to your parents
My Dad today looked like a lost little boy in the hospital, it's painful to see "Hope he's ok | |||
"I'm caring for my mum in her own home...it was very quiet this morning when I woke up...then the telly went on....so another day for her .. and relief for me "And how many decibels is the telly at? | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value "The second and third biggest problems in these situations are lack of family support and family members feelings of entitlement | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My sister and I looked after our grandmother for the 6 years before she passed. Our mum is and has been next to useless for longer than that and Dad went from working all the time to being severely mobility impaired very quickly, so we took her on. The hardest decision we had to make was to move her to a care home, but we actually couldn't cope, even with carers coming in twice a day towards the end. She was pretty far into dementia so we had some battles before she moved, but once she was there it took about 3 days for her to think she had lived there for years. It was the best thing for her. And meant that we could get a bit of our lives back for a few years before we started looking after the parents." I don't think anybody should reproach themselves for encouraging someone to go into residential care | |||
"I'm caring for my mum in her own home...it was very quiet this morning when I woke up...then the telly went on....so another day for her .. and relief for me
And how many decibels is the telly at? "five too many grr | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart Absolutely agree. Nicecouple, I thoroughly empathise with your situation with respect to your parents
My Dad today looked like a lost little boy in the hospital, it's painful to see
Hope he's ok "I just made him a fry up now his special diet has finished. He seemed to enjoy it... | |||
"I'm caring for my mum in her own home...it was very quiet this morning when I woke up...then the telly went on....so another day for her .. and relief for me
And how many decibels is the telly at? five too many grr ". I feel your pain. If you don't know what's on the telly as you're walking up the garden path you know there's a power cut. | |||
"I’m going to have to find this fine line very quickly. My Dad needs to stop driving and I need to be the one that tells him the hard facts. I found an old lady in her car revving it to death in a carpark.... couldn't go backwards for the life of her ...I helped her park but suggested that she should give her keys to one of her children before she bashed into something or someone "My brother and I confiscated my Dad's car last summer because he was found 3hrs from home, in the early hours of the morning by the police, no clue about how to get home etc. He was so incoherent they took him to hospital because they thought he was having a stroke. Nope, just his normal demeanor | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart Absolutely agree. Nicecouple, I thoroughly empathise with your situation with respect to your parents
My Dad today looked like a lost little boy in the hospital, it's painful to see
Hope he's ok
I just made him a fry up now his special diet has finished. He seemed to enjoy it..."Good | |||
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"This disabled woman has been living with her almost 82yo father since Thursday, also attempting to continue working whilst sitting on hideously uncomfortable antique furniture. He's definitely got dementia (tests results are in) and has absolutely zero short term memory. I mean nil. Took him for a Covid swab on Saturday at the hospital, by the time we'd got home (half an hour), he'd forgotten. I'm supervising a special medical diet before he has tests tomorrow morning and I have had to INTERFERE. Like big time. The list of allowed foods is about as short as his memory but he refused to let me make his toast this morning (white, thin layer of butter, no jam allowed). I left a loaf of white bread by the toaster and retreated to the dining room. He emerged a few minutes later with two slices of granary, bread he'd retrieved from the freezer. Which I had to confiscate and got an earful for giving him white. I've explained multiple times since 6pm that he can't eat anything until after the tests tomorrow, but I've had to redirect him from the biscuit tin etc multiple times. I'm sat on a super duper uncomfortable Chesterfield sofa by the kitchen door because I don't trust he won't come back downstairs and wander to eat something. I'll get verbal in the morning (again) because he can't go into Tesco to get his paper (isolating), nor can he eat anything. I have to try and listen out for any signs of movement in the morning and get up immediately before he quaffs something and buggers up the test
Anyone who says it's easy to know where help and interfering start and end are wrong.
Staying here for five days has set me SO far back in terms of my own disability. I've not been in this much pain or my leg been so swollen in years, because at home, I have special chairs etc to alleviate a bit and my mattress is specifically chosen, not full of broken springs.
I have a 4yo daughter who has never spent more than a night or so away from me so if anyone thinks I'm here interfering and out of my own choice to butt in, they can go and take a hike.
My brother says he cannot take the time off work nor will he leave his wife with two children who are older than my daughter. His disabled sister will do it
Nicecouple - you have to do what you think is right for your parents, based on what the evidence is in front of you. If there are evident safety issues, you should step in, even if it means causing a fuss, because I believe we have a duty of care where someone lacks capacity to make sensible decisions for themselves. My Dad definitely cannot make sensible decisions for himself for many things now so I'm having to negotiate and cajole to get him to do things like isolate before his procedure, not eat brown bread and drink wine for a few days etc. "Hugs xx. Yes women often get dumped on to be care providers. When I was in that position (and my parents chose me to be responsible) I consoled myself during times of stress that I did my best for them and repaid the care they gave me as a child. | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value "Have that chat now with your parents about Power of Attorney - you can register it now and then leave it until it is needed to be used. Family can be ruthless when it comes to money and possessions. | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value
Have that chat now with your parents about Power of Attorney - you can register it now and then leave it until it is needed to be used. Family can be ruthless when it comes to money and possessions."What does Power of Attorney do? | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value
Have that chat now with your parents about Power of Attorney - you can register it now and then leave it until it is needed to be used. Family can be ruthless when it comes to money and possessions.
What does Power of Attorney do? "It depends. There's health and welfare which gives you power to make those sort of decisions and property and financial affairs. You can have either or both. | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value
Have that chat now with your parents about Power of Attorney - you can register it now and then leave it until it is needed to be used. Family can be ruthless when it comes to money and possessions.
What does Power of Attorney do?
It depends. There's health and welfare which gives you power to make those sort of decisions and property and financial affairs. You can have either or both. " | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value
Have that chat now with your parents about Power of Attorney - you can register it now and then leave it until it is needed to be used. Family can be ruthless when it comes to money and possessions.
What does Power of Attorney do?
It depends. There's health and welfare which gives you power to make those sort of decisions and property and financial affairs. You can have either or both. "The health and welfare variety can be successfully challeneged by medics so it's not a guarantee that the holder's wishes will be followed. | |||
"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value
Have that chat now with your parents about Power of Attorney - you can register it now and then leave it until it is needed to be used. Family can be ruthless when it comes to money and possessions.
What does Power of Attorney do?
It depends. There's health and welfare which gives you power to make those sort of decisions and property and financial affairs. You can have either or both.
The health and welfare variety can be successfully challeneged by medics so it's not a guarantee that the holder's wishes will be followed."In my experience the medics are just happy to patch em up and ship em out and only challenge you when you're asking for more medical care rather than less. Obviously if I was putting someone in danger I'd expect to be challenged | |||
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"I have to be honest, I'm very glad that chapter of my life is over. My mum was very ill. End stage COPD, as well as a plethora of other illness on top of being an alcoholic. When my dad passed away it was down to me to look after. Trying to do that, work full time and be a good mum to my 3 boys all under 12 at the time was so hard. Especially as I had no support. Eventually I took the decision to put my mum in to sheltered housing. I know many felt I was shirking my responsibility, I know people judged. I did what I had to do. In the end my mum was so devoid of any ability to see past herself because of her addiction. Which over the years went from alcohol to opiates on prescription! So many times I had that phone call to say she may not make it. That was my life for many years. Her life slipped away from her. When she passed away it was a blessing for her as her quality of life was so poor. It's hard because you get put in a position where its just expected of you. No one asks you how you feel about it.. There's no choice. I've no doubt had my mum not been an alcoholic all my life and had we been closer I would have been happy to be there for her and look after her. However I was angry at her for putting me and my sons through the things she did. I'm still very angry at her. And angry that I was, even at the end seen as a bad person for putting my own family first" I understand.
Nobody is saying I'm a bad person but nobody is helping me either, except Mr N who as always is steadfast in his support and like an anchor in stormy seas.
I've got a tough day ahead of me which I'm putting off. I'm angry too so I get what you're saying, very few people understand.
You have nothing to reproach yourself for | |||
"I have to be honest, I'm very glad that chapter of my life is over. My mum was very ill. End stage COPD, as well as a plethora of other illness on top of being an alcoholic. When my dad passed away it was down to me to look after. Trying to do that, work full time and be a good mum to my 3 boys all under 12 at the time was so hard. Especially as I had no support. Eventually I took the decision to put my mum in to sheltered housing. I know many felt I was shirking my responsibility, I know people judged. I did what I had to do. In the end my mum was so devoid of any ability to see past herself because of her addiction. Which over the years went from alcohol to opiates on prescription! So many times I had that phone call to say she may not make it. That was my life for many years. Her life slipped away from her. When she passed away it was a blessing for her as her quality of life was so poor. It's hard because you get put in a position where its just expected of you. No one asks you how you feel about it.. There's no choice. I've no doubt had my mum not been an alcoholic all my life and had we been closer I would have been happy to be there for her and look after her. However I was angry at her for putting me and my sons through the things she did. I'm still very angry at her. And angry that I was, even at the end seen as a bad person for putting my own family first I understand.
Nobody is saying I'm a bad person but nobody is helping me either, except Mr N who as always is steadfast in his support and like an anchor in stormy seas.
I've got a tough day ahead of me which I'm putting off. I'm angry too so I get what you're saying, very few people understand.
You have nothing to reproach yourself for "Stay strong. You've got this x | |||
"I have to be honest, I'm very glad that chapter of my life is over. My mum was very ill. End stage COPD, as well as a plethora of other illness on top of being an alcoholic. When my dad passed away it was down to me to look after. Trying to do that, work full time and be a good mum to my 3 boys all under 12 at the time was so hard. Especially as I had no support. Eventually I took the decision to put my mum in to sheltered housing. I know many felt I was shirking my responsibility, I know people judged. I did what I had to do. In the end my mum was so devoid of any ability to see past herself because of her addiction. Which over the years went from alcohol to opiates on prescription! So many times I had that phone call to say she may not make it. That was my life for many years. Her life slipped away from her. When she passed away it was a blessing for her as her quality of life was so poor. It's hard because you get put in a position where its just expected of you. No one asks you how you feel about it.. There's no choice. I've no doubt had my mum not been an alcoholic all my life and had we been closer I would have been happy to be there for her and look after her. However I was angry at her for putting me and my sons through the things she did. I'm still very angry at her. And angry that I was, even at the end seen as a bad person for putting my own family first I understand.
Nobody is saying I'm a bad person but nobody is helping me either, except Mr N who as always is steadfast in his support and like an anchor in stormy seas.
I've got a tough day ahead of me which I'm putting off. I'm angry too so I get what you're saying, very few people understand.
You have nothing to reproach yourself for
Stay strong. You've got this x" thank you. | |||
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"Of course looking after someone in their own home is the ideal situation for everyone. That is not always possible and isn't always the best thing for the person either. If someone has needs that family members are not capable or trained to fulfil the person will suffer. The decision to ask a parent to go into residential care isn't taken lightly or cynically by anybody with a heart My mum still feels guilty about having to put her own parents into a home towards the end. Despite the fact that nan was an invalid for most of her adult life and grandad, who'd looked after an full time, had had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on one side and couldn't speak. And she was holding down a busy and stressful full time job as well as looking after dad, me and brother. As looking back I'm ashamed to say we were (are) all lazy bastards.... I / we are not having to look after mum and dad yet, as they sort of support each other, but I don't think it will too long before it comes round to it. I think the biggest problem will be controlling my sister in law, as she's all about the money and seems to have already sized everything up in value
Have that chat now with your parents about Power of Attorney - you can register it now and then leave it until it is needed to be used. Family can be ruthless when it comes to money and possessions.
What does Power of Attorney do? "It allows the nominated person or persons to legally have control and make decisions on behalf of the named person regarding Health, residence and bank accounts, money. You would be their proxy if they are unable to make their own decisions. Just be aware if you have more than one person named as responsible person then they have to be present if you need to deal with banks etc and sign every document. Better if you can to just have one named responsible person. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous?" If they have the capacity in law to make that decision, there is little you can do. People also have the right to make an unwise decision if they have capacity. | |||
"Anyone else have responsibility for an older relative? How do you find it, where do you draw the line between help and interfering? A permanent learning curve. I found it hard doing what they wanted rather than what I thought they should want. Arrogant prick... That and every day is a blessing. How about if a situation is dangerous? If they have the capacity in law to make that decision, there is little you can do. People also have the right to make an unwise decision if they have capacity." They certainly do and people have the right to leave them with the consequences of those unwise decisions. Unfortunately we're always required of should I say feel obliged, to pick up the pieces. | |||
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"I have to be honest, I'm very glad that chapter of my life is over. My mum was very ill. End stage COPD, as well as a plethora of other illness on top of being an alcoholic. When my dad passed away it was down to me to look after. Trying to do that, work full time and be a good mum to my 3 boys all under 12 at the time was so hard. Especially as I had no support. Eventually I took the decision to put my mum in to sheltered housing. I know many felt I was shirking my responsibility, I know people judged. I did what I had to do. In the end my mum was so devoid of any ability to see past herself because of her addiction. Which over the years went from alcohol to opiates on prescription! So many times I had that phone call to say she may not make it. That was my life for many years. Her life slipped away from her. When she passed away it was a blessing for her as her quality of life was so poor. It's hard because you get put in a position where its just expected of you. No one asks you how you feel about it.. There's no choice. I've no doubt had my mum not been an alcoholic all my life and had we been closer I would have been happy to be there for her and look after her. However I was angry at her for putting me and my sons through the things she did. I'm still very angry at her. And angry that I was, even at the end seen as a bad person for putting my own family first I understand.
Nobody is saying I'm a bad person but nobody is helping me either, except Mr N who as always is steadfast in his support and like an anchor in stormy seas.
I've got a tough day ahead of me which I'm putting off. I'm angry too so I get what you're saying, very few people understand.
You have nothing to reproach yourself for "Mrs N, you are doing your level best and I really feel for you. Sorry words are probably not helpful, but the best I can do | |||
"I have to be honest, I'm very glad that chapter of my life is over. My mum was very ill. End stage COPD, as well as a plethora of other illness on top of being an alcoholic. When my dad passed away it was down to me to look after. Trying to do that, work full time and be a good mum to my 3 boys all under 12 at the time was so hard. Especially as I had no support. Eventually I took the decision to put my mum in to sheltered housing. I know many felt I was shirking my responsibility, I know people judged. I did what I had to do. In the end my mum was so devoid of any ability to see past herself because of her addiction. Which over the years went from alcohol to opiates on prescription! So many times I had that phone call to say she may not make it. That was my life for many years. Her life slipped away from her. When she passed away it was a blessing for her as her quality of life was so poor. It's hard because you get put in a position where its just expected of you. No one asks you how you feel about it.. There's no choice. I've no doubt had my mum not been an alcoholic all my life and had we been closer I would have been happy to be there for her and look after her. However I was angry at her for putting me and my sons through the things she did. I'm still very angry at her. And angry that I was, even at the end seen as a bad person for putting my own family first I understand.
Nobody is saying I'm a bad person but nobody is helping me either, except Mr N who as always is steadfast in his support and like an anchor in stormy seas.
I've got a tough day ahead of me which I'm putting off. I'm angry too so I get what you're saying, very few people understand.
You have nothing to reproach yourself for
Mrs N, you are doing your level best and I really feel for you. Sorry words are probably not helpful, but the best I can do "Thank you | |||
