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Married men
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"My view is if you shout publicly about it, you'll meet a lot of opposition " I agree. Just do what you do. None of anyone else’s business as long as you’re honest with anyone you are looking to potentially meet. These posts make it everyone else’s business though. | |||
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"Sometimes questions are better not asked. For the record my view is currently of my back garden, the blue tits and pigeons are busy this morning. "You get tits in your garden this early of a morning ? Tits are still in bed in this household  | |||
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"Thanks for everyone’s views just frustrated that I get called a cheater that’s all stay safe everyone." Maybe it’s the guilt you can’t deal with? There are all sorts of reasons people come on here and not everyone cheats but if your wife doesn’t know then you know it would upset or hurt her otherwise you would tell her. That in itself makes being on here akin to cheating even if you never meet. You will always get called out for it if you publicly announce it in the forum. Whatever your reasons are are for you to know but you can’t expect everyone to just understand them or participate in something that would hurt another person. | |||
"Sometimes questions are better not asked. For the record my view is currently of my back garden, the blue tits and pigeons are busy this morning.
You get tits in your garden this early of a morning ? Tits are still in bed in this household "I think it’s the early chill that makes them blue. | |||
"Thanks for everyone’s views just frustrated that I get called a cheater that’s all stay safe everyone." But you are tho right? | |||
"Sometimes questions are better not asked. For the record my view is currently of my back garden, the blue tits and pigeons are busy this morning.
You get tits in your garden this early of a morning ? Tits are still in bed in this household
I think it’s the early chill that makes them blue. "Blue , pink..... makes no difference to me  | |||
"I know I’m opening up a bomb but why is it that if a married guy comes on here without his wife knowing he’s a cheater unless you know his reasons everyone should be able to do what we all are on here for.what’s peoples views" Society will judge you for cheating OP and here’s a little secret for you; fab members are also members of that same society. The only difference being is that they are liberal with their perspectives on sex, they aren’t necessarily liberal with their views on people that lie to their partners. Swinging is based on trust, it is challenging to trust people that openly admit to lying (to their partners) | |||
"Thanks for everyone’s views just frustrated that I get called a cheater that’s all stay safe everyone." Well much as you may dislike it, if you’re here without your partner’s knowledge, then you are a cheater. I’m sorry if you’re offended by the truth of a matter. I’m sure that thieves, murderers and fraudsters get a bit touchy about being called so but it doesn’t change what they are. If you’re sensitive about being called it, perhaps you shouldn’t cheat | |||
"I know I’m opening up a bomb but why is it that if a married guy comes on here without his wife knowing he’s a cheater unless you know his reasons everyone should be able to do what we all are on here for.what’s peoples views" Ask his wife how she feels about whether he's a cheater or not. | |||
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I’ve met quite a few people though this site with really positive/good morals
I don’t think they have an issue with you being here it’s the lying to your partner they have an issue with
That’s my take on the situation anyways best of luck | |||
"My view is if you shout publicly about it, you'll meet a lot of opposition " And the Lord said; Ask, and ye shall receive..... | |||
"Thanks for everyone’s views just frustrated that I get called a cheater that’s all stay safe everyone. Well much as you may dislike it, if you’re here without your partner’s knowledge, then you are a cheater. I’m sorry if you’re offended by the truth of a matter. I’m sure that thieves, murderers and fraudsters get a bit touchy about being called so but it doesn’t change what they are. If you’re sensitive about being called it, perhaps you shouldn’t cheat" I think your comparisons are a bit much to be honest | |||
"Sometimes questions are better not asked. For the record my view is currently of my back garden, the blue tits and pigeons are busy this morning. "Enjoy the tits! | |||
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"Sometimes questions are better not asked. For the record my view is currently of my back garden, the blue tits and pigeons are busy this morning.
Enjoy the tits!"I do. It’s always good to see the cocks hopping about being busy too.  | |||
"Sometimes questions are better not asked. For the record my view is currently of my back garden, the blue tits and pigeons are busy this morning.
Enjoy the tits!
I do. It’s always good to see the cocks hopping about being busy too. "Without the tits knowledge tho | |||
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"Well to call a spade a spade you are a cheater and many dont like to get involved in that. Surely it should be obvious as to why? I wont willingly take part in it (sometimes you just dont know) I prefer my men single or in a consenting swinging couple thanks"
Miss xx | |||
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"I don’t want to meet anyone who I know is cheating I’ve been cheated on and it really hurt, but if you didn’t tell me I wouldn’t know. If you put it out there many people won’t like it but it’s your life in the end. " Mrs is looking beautiful Honestly if I would be into a relationship I would cheat with her | |||
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Still cheating have a honest conversation with your wife . | |||
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"Thanks for everyone’s views just frustrated that I get called a cheater that’s all stay safe everyone. Well much as you may dislike it, if you’re here without your partner’s knowledge, then you are a cheater. I’m sorry if you’re offended by the truth of a matter. I’m sure that thieves, murderers and fraudsters get a bit touchy about being called so but it doesn’t change what they are. If you’re sensitive about being called it, perhaps you shouldn’t cheat I think your comparisons are a bit much to be honest" I’m not drawing comparisons between the acts, just negative labels. My point still stands though, if you dislike being called a cheater, don’t be one | |||
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"Quite often the subject of why is it ok for women on here to cheat and not men comes up, I don't think people see it as any different to be honest. But has there ever once been a thread from a woman on here trying to gain sympathy or trying to justify their cheating they tend to just get on with it and accept some will meet them and some won't." There have been one of two threads started by women. They usually get a very different response. Not from everyone, there are a few who are consistent in their views. Overall though the general feeling is that if a woman cheats it's the man's fault and if a man cheats it's the man's fault. Unless you're my mother then everything a man does wrong is his wife or his mother's fault  | |||
"Quite often the subject of why is it ok for women on here to cheat and not men comes up, I don't think people see it as any different to be honest. But has there ever once been a thread from a woman on here trying to gain sympathy or trying to justify their cheating they tend to just get on with it and accept some will meet them and some won't." I’ve been around here for about 10 years. I have never seen a thread entitled “why won’t men meet me when I say I am married - signed A woman” It’s a little duplicitous because single men love the married men threads (and trust me, we single men do) we get to “out” another man and reduce the male/female imbalance by one (woopdedoo) (insert eye rolling emoji here) yet the truth is, most of the fellas saying it was heinous to cheat, would turn a blind eye if a woman told them they were cheating. Fab morals are best served with a pinch of salt, else they tend to get stuck in your throat. | |||
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"Quite often the subject of why is it ok for women on here to cheat and not men comes up, I don't think people see it as any different to be honest. But has there ever once been a thread from a woman on here trying to gain sympathy or trying to justify their cheating they tend to just get on with it and accept some will meet them and some won't. I’ve been around here for about 10 years. I have never seen a thread entitled “why won’t men meet me when I say I am married - signed A woman” It’s a little duplicitous because single men love the married men threads (and trust me, we single men do) we get to “out” another man and reduce the male/female imbalance by one (woopdedoo) (insert eye rolling emoji here) yet the truth is, most of the fellas saying it was heinous to cheat, would turn a blind eye if a woman told them they were cheating. Fab morals are best served with a pinch of salt, else they tend to get stuck in your throat. " | |||
"Quite often the subject of why is it ok for women on here to cheat and not men comes up, I don't think people see it as any different to be honest. But has there ever once been a thread from a woman on here trying to gain sympathy or trying to justify their cheating they tend to just get on with it and accept some will meet them and some won't. There have been one of two threads started by women. They usually get a very different response. Not from everyone, there are a few who are consistent in their views. Overall though the general feeling is that if a woman cheats it's the man's fault and if a man cheats it's the man's fault. Unless you're my mother then everything a man does wrong is his wife or his mother's fault "I think that is because the audience for those two threads tends to be quite different. Men cheating threads tend to attract, people who are either pro or anti cheaters. Women cheating threads (although fewer in number) tend to attract pro and anti cheater people, but also people hoping to get some action. I'm not sure many men starting cheating threads get open offers to meet. | |||
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"Why tell everyone? Just pop it on profile and let folk decide for themselves. No drama." .this x | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why...." i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy | |||
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"Why is a packet of biscuits called a packet of biscuits? Coz a packet of biscuits IS a packet of biscuits. It ain't that difficult to grasp surely? " so whats a jaffa cake? lol is it a cheese biscuit or a cheese wafer? there will be situations that arent easy to navigate! | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy " Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? " nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe | |||
"Quite often the subject of why is it ok for women on here to cheat and not men comes up, I don't think people see it as any different to be honest. But has there ever once been a thread from a woman on here trying to gain sympathy or trying to justify their cheating they tend to just get on with it and accept some will meet them and some won't. There have been one of two threads started by women. They usually get a very different response. Not from everyone, there are a few who are consistent in their views. Overall though the general feeling is that if a woman cheats it's the man's fault and if a man cheats it's the man's fault. Unless you're my mother then everything a man does wrong is his wife or his mother's fault
I think that is because the audience for those two threads tends to be quite different.
Men cheating threads tend to attract, people who are either pro or anti cheaters.
Women cheating threads (although fewer in number) tend to attract pro and anti cheater people, but also people hoping to get some action.
I'm not sure many men starting cheating threads get open offers to meet. "Probably not, but I bet they were hoping it might get them a few lol | |||
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"I know I’m opening up a bomb but why is it that if a married guy comes on here without his wife knowing he’s a cheater unless you know his reasons everyone should be able to do what we all are on here for.what’s peoples views" People have enough of their own dramas to care about those of casuals meets. Who needs the drama of married people when there are scores of singles around? Add to that there's an air of entitlement shown by married men. If people don't want to meet you they don't owe you an explanation, move on! Married women just get on with it without drawing attention to themselves. | |||
"... Don't get me wrong I get why some stray, I get why dome can't voice what they need and go elsewhere, I get why people also stay in relationships that maybe they shouldn't. I just wouldn't want to be involved. " This is exactly our stance. We don't much care what folks do in their lives, we're all adults, we just don't want the added hassle it could bring. | |||
"... Don't get me wrong I get why some stray, I get why dome can't voice what they need and go elsewhere, I get why people also stay in relationships that maybe they shouldn't. I just wouldn't want to be involved. This is exactly our stance. We don't much care what folks do in their lives, we're all adults, we just don't want the added hassle it could bring." married can be good for that very reason, they dont want to make trouble, they want it secret, singles have nothing to lose.... i love you... | |||
"Sometimes questions are better not asked. For the record my view is currently of my back garden, the blue tits and pigeons are busy this morning.
You get tits in your garden this early of a morning ? Tits are still in bed in this household "In my filthier younger days, once when a male colleague came to my house I said to him "Come and look at the tits on this bit of stuff out at the back". Excited and ogle ready, he followed me to see a deserted fat ball hanging from a garden support. "Oh, they've flown away" I added, disappointedly. He, of course subsequently played the same trick on another hypersexed friend. I will add that, nowadays, I would not refer to anyone as a 'bit of stuff'. Neither would my ex colleague. Our equal opportunities minded employer ran flagship courses to successfully alter such crass perceptions. | |||
"... Don't get me wrong I get why some stray, I get why dome can't voice what they need and go elsewhere, I get why people also stay in relationships that maybe they shouldn't. I just wouldn't want to be involved. This is exactly our stance. We don't much care what folks do in their lives, we're all adults, we just don't want the added hassle it could bring. married can be good for that very reason, they dont want to make trouble, they want it secret, singles have nothing to lose.... i love you..." Oh no, they may not want trouble, but fuck me that's exactly what's coming if the partner finds out. And well deserved too. | |||
"... Don't get me wrong I get why some stray, I get why dome can't voice what they need and go elsewhere, I get why people also stay in relationships that maybe they shouldn't. I just wouldn't want to be involved. This is exactly our stance. We don't much care what folks do in their lives, we're all adults, we just don't want the added hassle it could bring. married can be good for that very reason, they dont want to make trouble, they want it secret, singles have nothing to lose.... i love you... Oh no, they may not want trouble, but fuck me that's exactly what's coming if the partner finds out. And well deserved too." Last thing we want is a knock on the door...or brick through the window | |||
"Why is a packet of biscuits called a packet of biscuits? Coz a packet of biscuits IS a packet of biscuits. It ain't that difficult to grasp surely? " I totally love how you have worded this xxxx | |||
"Thanks for everyone’s views just frustrated that I get called a cheater that’s all stay safe everyone." Why would you feel frustrated about being called what you are, it's not an opinion, it is by you're own admission, a fact. You don't seem to be too concerned about your wife's feelings, but on here crying about your own hurt feelings! Jeez, some people  | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe " In my mind. Cheating and deception are both forms of control. There is no equality in their relationship and therefore one is controlling the other. If they were honest, they would give their partner equality through truth. People that cheat, should leave the relationship. You can/may accuse me of over-simplifying things but to imply that there is any justification to lying rather than just a desire to control someone else’s actions so that it benefits you and you alone is create a layer of complexity that only exists in the cheaters mind, that layer called “justification”. If they told their partner, 2-1 their partner wouldn’t see the situation as complex at all, but rather simple. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve put my sexual health at risk, you have done what you damn well choose, without treating me with any respect, please leave”. You can add as many complexities as you like to that but I should imagine a fair percentage of people would kick the cheater out. If that doesn’t tell you that the complexes are moot, I don’t know what would. | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe In my mind. Cheating and deception are both forms of control. There is no equality in their relationship and therefore one is controlling the other. If they were honest, they would give their partner equality through truth. People that cheat, should leave the relationship. You can/may accuse me of over-simplifying things but to imply that there is any justification to lying rather than just a desire to control someone else’s actions so that it benefits you and you alone is create a layer of complexity that only exists in the cheaters mind, that layer called “justification”. If they told their partner, 2-1 their partner wouldn’t see the situation as complex at all, but rather simple. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve put my sexual health at risk, you have done what you damn well choose, without treating me with any respect, please leave”. You can add as many complexities as you like to that but I should imagine a fair percentage of people would kick the cheater out. If that doesn’t tell you that the complexes are moot, I don’t know what would. " Exactly. Was I given the choice to accept chlamydia or not? Nope. Would I have had unprotected sex with my ex if I knew he was fucking around behind my back? Nope. I got more than "just" my trust betrayed, I got more than "just" my head fucked with due to all the lies. I got more than "just" PTSD. He was an abusive cunt anyway, and having that over me would have no doubt made him feel all the more powerful. It is about control as far as I'm concerned. Controlling the narrative with a web of deception. I also feel it's theft, because it's allowing their partner to continue investing (emotionally, financially) in something that's not the truth. | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe In my mind. Cheating and deception are both forms of control. There is no equality in their relationship and therefore one is controlling the other. If they were honest, they would give their partner equality through truth. People that cheat, should leave the relationship. You can/may accuse me of over-simplifying things but to imply that there is any justification to lying rather than just a desire to control someone else’s actions so that it benefits you and you alone is create a layer of complexity that only exists in the cheaters mind, that layer called “justification”. If they told their partner, 2-1 their partner wouldn’t see the situation as complex at all, but rather simple. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve put my sexual health at risk, you have done what you damn well choose, without treating me with any respect, please leave”. You can add as many complexities as you like to that but I should imagine a fair percentage of people would kick the cheater out. If that doesn’t tell you that the complexes are moot, I don’t know what would. " i think we might have misunderstood each other , i am not trying to justify cheating , have said that multiple times , and your posts didn’t read to me like leave the relationship, i read it as just tell them where your head is at and you can probably change your relationship into something else - that was the part i think is more complex - i don’t think for many relationships can evolve to something else - they are either everything or nothing | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe In my mind. Cheating and deception are both forms of control. There is no equality in their relationship and therefore one is controlling the other. If they were honest, they would give their partner equality through truth. People that cheat, should leave the relationship. You can/may accuse me of over-simplifying things but to imply that there is any justification to lying rather than just a desire to control someone else’s actions so that it benefits you and you alone is create a layer of complexity that only exists in the cheaters mind, that layer called “justification”. If they told their partner, 2-1 their partner wouldn’t see the situation as complex at all, but rather simple. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve put my sexual health at risk, you have done what you damn well choose, without treating me with any respect, please leave”. You can add as many complexities as you like to that but I should imagine a fair percentage of people would kick the cheater out. If that doesn’t tell you that the complexes are moot, I don’t know what would. i think we might have misunderstood each other , i am not trying to justify cheating , have said that multiple times , and your posts didn’t read to me like leave the relationship, i read it as just tell them where your head is at and you can probably change your relationship into something else - that was the part i think is more complex - i don’t think for many relationships can evolve to something else - they are either everything or nothing " My apologies. I was trying to articulate “tongue in cheek” why not have your cake and eat it. Poorly done, for that I apologise. It’s such an emotive subject, I’m always a little baffled when guys come on here and say. “I’m cheating, why won’t people meet me”. It’s obvious to me, at least. | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe In my mind. Cheating and deception are both forms of control. There is no equality in their relationship and therefore one is controlling the other. If they were honest, they would give their partner equality through truth. People that cheat, should leave the relationship. You can/may accuse me of over-simplifying things but to imply that there is any justification to lying rather than just a desire to control someone else’s actions so that it benefits you and you alone is create a layer of complexity that only exists in the cheaters mind, that layer called “justification”. If they told their partner, 2-1 their partner wouldn’t see the situation as complex at all, but rather simple. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve put my sexual health at risk, you have done what you damn well choose, without treating me with any respect, please leave”. You can add as many complexities as you like to that but I should imagine a fair percentage of people would kick the cheater out. If that doesn’t tell you that the complexes are moot, I don’t know what would. i think we might have misunderstood each other , i am not trying to justify cheating , have said that multiple times , and your posts didn’t read to me like leave the relationship, i read it as just tell them where your head is at and you can probably change your relationship into something else - that was the part i think is more complex - i don’t think for many relationships can evolve to something else - they are either everything or nothing My apologies. I was trying to articulate “tongue in cheek” why not have your cake and eat it. Poorly done, for that I apologise. It’s such an emotive subject, I’m always a little baffled when guys come on here and say. “I’m cheating, why won’t people meet me”. It’s obvious to me, at least. " no apology necessary, i often put stuff down that i think is saying one thing and people read it another way - the dangers of text only forums | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe In my mind. Cheating and deception are both forms of control. There is no equality in their relationship and therefore one is controlling the other. If they were honest, they would give their partner equality through truth. People that cheat, should leave the relationship. You can/may accuse me of over-simplifying things but to imply that there is any justification to lying rather than just a desire to control someone else’s actions so that it benefits you and you alone is create a layer of complexity that only exists in the cheaters mind, that layer called “justification”. If they told their partner, 2-1 their partner wouldn’t see the situation as complex at all, but rather simple. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve put my sexual health at risk, you have done what you damn well choose, without treating me with any respect, please leave”. You can add as many complexities as you like to that but I should imagine a fair percentage of people would kick the cheater out. If that doesn’t tell you that the complexes are moot, I don’t know what would. " I usually find myself agreeing with you on most things. But it really isn’t that black and white. They may not be putting sexual health at risk. Not it they’re not having sex at home. There could be an ill partner, there could be so so much you don’t know. I’ve said before, I met a married men and his situation was absolutely heartbreaking and I totally get why he didn’t leave/tell her. Not all married people on here are scum, I don’t deny that some are but I won’t accept they all are. I know I’m probably in the minority with that opinion but I totally stand by it. My only problem is if they don’t tell me they are married. Be honest to whoever you are chatting to on here or potentially meeting so they can make an informed decision. Other than that it is absolutely no business of anyone else’s why you are here. These constant threads just don’t help. You need to expect to be slated by posting these threads. I don’t know why people don’t just get on with it and stop worrying what Joe Public thinks. | |||
" I usually find myself agreeing with you on most things. But it really isn’t that black and white. They may not be putting sexual health at risk. Not it they’re not having sex at home. There could be an ill partner, there could be so so much you don’t know. I’ve said before, I met a married men and his situation was absolutely heartbreaking and I totally get why he didn’t leave/tell her. Not all married people on here are scum, I don’t deny that some are but I won’t accept they all are. I know I’m probably in the minority with that opinion but I totally stand by it. My only problem is if they don’t tell me they are married. Be honest to whoever you are chatting to on here or potentially meeting so they can make an informed decision. Other than that it is absolutely no business of anyone else’s why you are here. These constant threads just don’t help. You need to expect to be slated by posting these threads. I don’t know why people don’t just get on with it and stop worrying what Joe Public thinks. " I totally agree with Nora here. As long as people are honest before a meet then I’m fine with it. We are so accepting of some things on here, we’re not allowed to judge folk or ‘shame’ folk for so many things but it never seems to apply to this, even though some of the things that. people are accepting of are illegal. Lots of people say they won’t meet attached people but they do, even though they say something different on the forums and on their profiles. There are couples right here that swing together but also cheat. I’m not sure who gets the moral high ground. There are many reasons you can question someone’s morals on here, most of society would question everyone’s on a site like this. To the OP, it is a fact from what you say, that you are cheating. Why you need to seek permission, advice or acceptance from others, I’m not really sure. Just enjoy fab in the way that suits you but be honest with people you meet. It’s all about informed choice | |||
"... I also feel it's theft, because it's allowing their partner to continue investing (emotionally, financially) in something that's not the truth." A very sobering thought, which more should consider, now that it has been pointed out. | |||
"I’ve never really understood cheating if I’m honest and to me it feels like a form of control “I can do what I want without telling you, so you carry on believing that everything is okay and don’t look elsewhere” It seems a little childlike. If you have to stay together (although why you would want to I do not know) for the sake of the kids, cultural reasons, finances etc. Then tell your partner that, for the look of the thing, you are doing that. Give them a choice too. I’ve been cheated on, when I found out i was “so we can see other people? Cool”, strangely the relationship was ended by me saying that, I wonder why.... i think you might be able to very easily detach sex and a relationship by the sounds of it which is why you see it the way you do for most people , love , sex, the relationship, the life, kids finances are all much more tangled up than that and people usually find it much harder to strip that back and say ok we will stay connected in this vein only and the others just go away now that isn’t a justification for cheating at all, just my take on why others don’t see just changing the parameters of a relationship as quite that easy Understood however the justification for cheating is given to strangers and not to the most important person; their partner. If the justification “stood up” and was acceptable, logical and fair then surely their partner would understand too? nope i disagree , for most, love and relationships don’t just exist inside the guidelines of logical and fair , in fact i think the heart is very rarely logical and fair (and i mean the heart not the libido - referring to the relationship not the fling on the side) again not a justification for cheating, not in the slightest, i just think your personal position on relationships has allowed you to oversimplify them way more than others are able to i completely agree the partner is the person that deserves the truth and honesty and reasons like you say, i just see the outcome probably being quite different to what you originally describe In my mind. Cheating and deception are both forms of control. There is no equality in their relationship and therefore one is controlling the other. If they were honest, they would give their partner equality through truth. People that cheat, should leave the relationship. You can/may accuse me of over-simplifying things but to imply that there is any justification to lying rather than just a desire to control someone else’s actions so that it benefits you and you alone is create a layer of complexity that only exists in the cheaters mind, that layer called “justification”. If they told their partner, 2-1 their partner wouldn’t see the situation as complex at all, but rather simple. “You’ve lied to me, you’ve put my sexual health at risk, you have done what you damn well choose, without treating me with any respect, please leave”. You can add as many complexities as you like to that but I should imagine a fair percentage of people would kick the cheater out. If that doesn’t tell you that the complexes are moot, I don’t know what would. I usually find myself agreeing with you on most things. But it really isn’t that black and white. They may not be putting sexual health at risk. Not it they’re not having sex at home. There could be an ill partner, there could be so so much you don’t know. I’ve said before, I met a married men and his situation was absolutely heartbreaking and I totally get why he didn’t leave/tell her. Not all married people on here are scum, I don’t deny that some are but I won’t accept they all are. I know I’m probably in the minority with that opinion but I totally stand by it. My only problem is if they don’t tell me they are married. Be honest to whoever you are chatting to on here or potentially meeting so they can make an informed decision. Other than that it is absolutely no business of anyone else’s why you are here. These constant threads just don’t help. You need to expect to be slated by posting these threads. I don’t know why people don’t just get on with it and stop worrying what Joe Public thinks. " I was going to delight the massive quote, but I am afraid bone idleness got the better of me, so apologies for that. It’s okay by me that your opinion is different Nora, it’s well constructed and articulated. I am a very black and white man I am afraid. So much is indeed lost in the twilight between, nuance, context, rationale. However, living a lie, for whatever reason, for me, will be a life not worth living. Whether it was me being the cheater or cheated upon, at some point, the apple will ripen and fall from the tree, better to pick the apple whilst it’s memory is sweet, than watch it rot on the stalk and drop, wasp ridden, to split upon the ground. | |||
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" Exactly. Was I given the choice to accept chlamydia or not? Nope. Would I have had unprotected sex with my ex if I knew he was fucking around behind my back? Nope. I got more than "just" my trust betrayed, I got more than "just" my head fucked with due to all the lies. I got more than "just" PTSD. He was an abusive cunt anyway, and having that over me would have no doubt made him feel all the more powerful. It is about control as far as I'm concerned. Controlling the narrative with a web of deception. I also feel it's theft, because it's allowing their partner to continue investing (emotionally, financially) in something that's not the truth." This is exactly right. The bit about theft is the most perfect description I’ve heard too. I don’t think people have any idea sometimes the devastation cheating can leave behind. | |||
