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Fear of rejection
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
Following on from a thread yesterday that I kind of (not kind of, absolutely did) highjacked, it became clear as to just how many people have a fear of being rejected and I felt that this warranted discussion.
Without judgement, is this something that you have? Is it something the governs your actions and your interactions with others?
How do you get around it, how does it affect your connections and what is it that you’re afraid the rejection means?
Alternatively, do you have no issue with putting yourself out there and how does rejection feel to you?
I’m not going to be able to respond to everyone on this unfortunately but I’ll try to answer as I go |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When we started here we had no fear of rejection. But after a few it gets harder to ignore. It got to the point where my wife and I lost interest.
If you have self esteem issues fab is a tough place to be |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
It affects me terribly, not just on here but the real world too, nearly didn't apply for the promotion I just got because I was worried about not getting it. As for the love life I think it still stems from things in my past relationship. Yes I know I'm not that much of an ugly duckling and people do find me attractive but I have a little demon inside my head from him that makes me doubt myself and how I look etc constantly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"simply, yes.
and it pretty much affects everything i do.. not just in fab world. Px"
And this is why fear of rejection is a hard subject to talk about.
I cannot understand why you would feel that way. I look at you and I see someone who is legitimately beautiful sexy, smart and interesting.
But I don't walk in your shoes. I don't feel your emotional bruises. |
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Can't say it's an issue for me. I am happy to accept that I'm not everyone's cup of tea and I'm not going to fit every where.
I'm happy with who I am though. When I started swinging I used to take it quite hard when I got rejected but as I got older I accepted it and didnt see it as a personal thing. After all, I don't say yes to everyone either |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Nobody likes being rejected as we assume that it is because there is something wrong with us or we are not good enough for the person(s) doing the rejection.
What we often fail to appreciate is that the person doing the rejecting can also feel bad, as it can be portrayed as being mean, arrogant or stuck up.
We are not afraid of rejection, but because we are looking for something a bit different we don’t tend to reach out to people unless we have a feeling that we are on similar wave length. Its more about not wanting to bother others or waste their time offering something hey have zero interest in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ok, so we had a long chat about this yesterday and after realising that it is just 'I actually fancy you' and no huge demonstration of gushing (bad word to us but hey) love, it brings that person a little sunshine to their day having a compliment sent their way.
I've actually sent a message today to tell someone they look great. It felt good, I didn't expect anything in return and hopefully it's made their day a little better 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to but not so much now I've got older. We all can have self doubt, self esteem issues and be lacking in confidence. Anyone of these traits can result in fear of rejection.
Ultimately I've learnt that rejection is a part of life. On fab, in relationships, in careers and in life in general. The key is not to take it personally and let it dictate who you are. We will all face rejection sometime in our lives, it's how you handle it that makes the difference  |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
If I were fearful of rejection, i'd never have been as active as I once was on here.
We cannot appeal to everyone and rejection is a manifestation of this.
It can either spur you on to persevere and self improvement or paralyse one to inaction for fear of it.
Always chosen the former. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"simply, yes.
and it pretty much affects everything i do.. not just in fab world. Px
And this is why fear of rejection is a hard subject to talk about.
I cannot understand why you would feel that way. I look at you and I see someone who is legitimately beautiful sexy, smart and interesting.
But I don't walk in your shoes. I don't feel your emotional bruises. "
That’s a key point I think.
On fab we see things as people present themselves. Flattering angles, lighting, showing their ‘best’. We never see people as they see themselves and there can be a disconnect between the fab person and the reality. That can lead to that fear.
Obviously that’s moving way past low self esteem.
I’ve found that fab either makes or breaks self esteem, part of it is about learning to dismiss the opinion of others based on limited knowledge |
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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago
Secret hideaway in the pennines |
I came back on here at a low point in my life, my self esteem and self worth was in the gutter, but I knew what to expect,
I know I am visually, not the most attractive person in the world, but hope my personality comes through and makes up for it.
I am slightly introverted when it comes to face to face, unless I feel totally comfortable with someone, and we have a connection.
On here I do have a certain security as silly as that may sound.
The people I engage with I find attractive not just in a sexual way, funny, again for the want of a better word, human.
There are a couple of people who I would love to share intimate moments with, some know, some don't, some may only become friends nothing more.
As in the real world, it is what it is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't fear rejection, I expect it. I don't sell myself because there's no point. On here I can have no pics or text and still get hundreds of men wanting to shag me. Makes actually looking pointless. Why would I believe they wanted to meet or were really just thankful someone said yes.
Sounds depressing but it's actually freeing. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"If I were fearful of rejection, i'd never have been as active as I once was on here.
We cannot appeal to everyone and rejection is a manifestation of this.
It can either spur you on to persevere and self improvement or paralyse one to inaction for fear of it.
Always chosen the former."
That’s true but I’ve found that the understanding and knowledge that I can’t be attractive to everyone, has led me to a loss of fear of rejection on the whole.
I chose to improve myself for me, not for others. If they’re interested, then all the better |
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I don't fear rejection and I am not afraid to reject people either.
This is a byproduct of receiving emotional and physical rejection for 40 years from a adult that gave birth to me, so a learned behaviour indeed |
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"Can't say it's an issue for me. I am happy to accept that I'm not everyone's cup of tea and I'm not going to fit every where.
I'm happy with who I am though. When I started swinging I used to take it quite hard when I got rejected but as I got older I accepted it and didnt see it as a personal thing. After all, I don't say yes to everyone either "
I absolutely agree with you. It has never bothered me. I realise that I am not everyone's cup of tea and there are others that I am not attracted to. Everyone should be allowed to make their own choices, without being bothered about others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Life is hard.
Decision take lives everyday.
We are born into nothing and leave the same way.
Sure, you can have wealth but that doesn't always lead to happiness.
When you are rejected by someone don't look at it that way.
Can't be for everyone, and why would you settle for someone who doesn't love you the way you love them.
Think of it as not a rejection.
But as an opportunity to find better.
Always fall forward. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Those that know me, know I've battled self esteem issues for years.
About 18 months ago I went through something that near destroyed me. Thanks to an amazing support network I'm almost back to my old self.
The one lesson I have learnt is that as long as I'm still alive, i have life itself to be thankful for.
Rejection, whilst not something I want, is a part of life. My view on it now is to just move on.
So I've sent a few messages and had no reply? At least I'm here to try again. Life really is too short to sweat the small stuff. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have learned to stop doing the "I'm in" type stuff.
Ultimately it ends up being the same few people who get attention because they know each other for years and like each other. and because I have invested a certain amount of self esteem to putting my name on the list I have to keep looking to see if anyone noticed me and they didn't but maybe they will so you keep on checking and it's a spiral. |
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It is part of life you just have to deal with it and move on.
In my opinion if you fear it, it hinders you living your life, take those steps outside of your comfort zone as you never know where it could lead |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"If I were fearful of rejection, i'd never have been as active as I once was on here.
We cannot appeal to everyone and rejection is a manifestation of this.
It can either spur you on to persevere and self improvement or paralyse one to inaction for fear of it.
Always chosen the former.
That’s true but I’ve found that the understanding and knowledge that I can’t be attractive to everyone, has led me to a loss of fear of rejection on the whole.
I chose to improve myself for me, not for others. If they’re interested, then all the better"
Absolutely. Any self improvement should be for our own benefit first and foremost, though that can translate into enhanced appeal in another's eyes. Win win really. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't fear rejection and I am not afraid to reject people either.
This is a byproduct of receiving emotional and physical rejection for 40 years from a adult that gave birth to me, so a learned behaviour indeed"
Learned but also its a mental protection. The person who meant the most to you hurt you the most. No one will hurt you like that again because of your defences |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I not only fear rejection I also fear rejecting other people because I hate hurting feelings.
However it is much easier to bear rejection if you are also in a position to reject other people from time to time.
It's when the rejection is always only one way that the real pain starts. |
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Massively do, joys of having a father that wanted custody of your sister but not me. If I'm not good enough for my own father, how am I good enough for anyone?
It's something that impacts everything I do. But it's something I'm improving on as I'm getting older and something I can rationalize once I get over the initial fear. |
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By *ermite12ukMan
over a year ago
Solihull and Brentwood |
Many years ago, around 20, I used to worry what others thought of me. It did me no good whatsoever, as I couldn't change anything...Or, at least it seemed that way.
So, I've adopted a new phil, pholo, idea and thought fuck 'em.
I am what I am. If you don't like me. There's the door.  |
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I have massive fear of rejection, both personally and professionally. It's why I would very rarely speak to a stranger, especially in a pub or club.
I'm fairly sure it must stem from piss poor self esteem, which is a fairly recent realisation, and I need to work on that before it's too late - as well as working out the reason for it, as there's nothing obvious in my last that I can think of - but it's probably going to be a slow process. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"So what have people done to get over the fear of rejection? Grown old? Work a particular method? how in short."
For me, it was about learning that the rejection wasn’t personal but also understanding that the rejection didn’t affect who I am, how I live or have any reflection on myself as a person. We just weren’t suited.
Having a stable ‘base’ helps and the understanding that no one can be for everyone is important.
For me, I found that knowing that ‘I still am’ is key. Yes it can still sting to be rejected but it’s not a damning statement of my person |
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"I have massive fear of rejection, both personally and professionally. It's why I would very rarely speak to a stranger, especially in a pub or club.
I'm fairly sure it must stem from piss poor self esteem, which is a fairly recent realisation, and I need to work on that before it's too late - as well as working out the reason for it, as there's nothing obvious in my last that I can think of - but it's probably going to be a slow process."
If I might offer some advice... Oh yes do work on the self esteem issues. If you let it run for too long things become damaging habits.
As for fear of rejection. Absolutely. I got to about 40 never having been rejected once... For anything.. (OK that's obviously complete bollocks but I was ignorant of any rejections privately or professionally or if they happened batted then away with aplomb) the point is with glorious confidence you can ignore or cope with most things. Then I got divorced and the first of many meaningful rejections and before I knew it... Confidence and self esteem dripped slowly away leaving me... Let's just say... Needing to do a lot of work. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok, so we had a long chat about this yesterday and after realising that it is just 'I actually fancy you' and no huge demonstration of gushing (bad word to us but hey) love, it brings that person a little sunshine to their day having a compliment sent their way.
I've actually sent a message today to tell someone they look great. It felt good, I didn't expect anything in return and hopefully it's made their day a little better
"
It was a lovely message and who doesn’t like a compliment x I hope I put a smile on yours too |
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I don't fear rejection in any walk of life...nobody is a perfect fit for every person or situation that they encounter. I'll just carry on being me and gravitating to the people and places that like me for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok, so we had a long chat about this yesterday and after realising that it is just 'I actually fancy you' and no huge demonstration of gushing (bad word to us but hey) love, it brings that person a little sunshine to their day having a compliment sent their way.
I've actually sent a message today to tell someone they look great. It felt good, I didn't expect anything in return and hopefully it's made their day a little better
It was a lovely message and who doesn’t like a compliment x I hope I put a smile on yours too "
It did |
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Rejected by parents, and then by whom I thought was the love of my life 2 years ago, it was the hardest thing to ever go through, but has just served to make me the resilient little bugger that I am, knowing that my best fwb desires me is all I need. X |
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It’s not a fear of rejection I have at all, it’s more low self worth. I’m so guarded about who I let remotely close that I almost self sabotage. Those that get through are kindred spirits so if anything develops past friendship that’s a bonus. |
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"It’s not a fear of rejection I have at all, it’s more low self worth. I’m so guarded about who I let remotely close that I almost self sabotage. Those that get through are kindred spirits so if anything develops past friendship that’s a bonus. "
I'm very similar- I see short term liaisons as a way of avoiding the possibility of letting my guard down. |
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Oddly, I don’t have a problem with rejection on here, probably because it’s strangers whose opinions of me don’t particularly matter to me. Though having said that, I don’t participate in certain types of thread just in case.
In day to day life though, I have a huge problem with it. I’m actually a bit scared to type this for fear of being mocked for it, but I have something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. So I’m absolutely terrified of even perceived rejection by anyone I care at all about, and it can send me into a severe spiral. I’m also terrified of being laughed at or looking stupid, or failing at anything. To the point that I prefer not to try to do something if I’m not 100% sure I’ll succeed, and I’m scared to try to make friends. Therapy is known not to work for RSD, though I am having therapy for anxiety and low self-esteem, so I don’t really have any coping strategies apart from just trying to get through an episode without doing irrevocable damage to that relationship, or myself. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
In life I'm used to succeeding. I've never failed a test, always passed with flying colours. Always got the job/promotion I wanted without particularly trying. Even on Fab I've been rejected once? Twice if you count mutual instant twitch lust not being as big as my virtual wide on.
I think that, coupled with my self doubts/acceptance that I'm not particularly attractive results in me not taking opportunities on here. I guess I am afraid of rejection and that's why I remain relatively aloof and compartmentalise folk unless I'm very comfortable with them. I do send out first messages but right now I don't think I have the confidence in doing so. I've gone with the assumption that everyone I'm talking to currently finds me pleasant enough and that's it.
Hopefully working on self love and my body means I'll be less afraid of rejection and taking chances soon. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In life I'm used to succeeding. I've never failed a test, always passed with flying colours. Always got the job/promotion I wanted without particularly trying. Even on Fab I've been rejected once? Twice if you count mutual instant twitch lust not being as big as my virtual wide on.
I think that, coupled with my self doubts/acceptance that I'm not particularly attractive results in me not taking opportunities on here. I guess I am afraid of rejection and that's why I remain relatively aloof and compartmentalise folk unless I'm very comfortable with them. I do send out first messages but right now I don't think I have the confidence in doing so. I've gone with the assumption that everyone I'm talking to currently finds me pleasant enough and that's it.
Hopefully working on self love and my body means I'll be less afraid of rejection and taking chances soon. "
I don't like disagreeing but you are very attractive. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Maybe we should look at rejection just as an honest way of somebody not being attracted to us, which is more about them and their preference rather then being about us not being attractive. We cannot please everybody in equal measures. Everybody gets a "no" at some point in their life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ironically it’s the best thing you can do is get rejected, multiple times. I was shy as anything when I was younger due to the fear of getting rejected, but after a couple of rejections you soon realise that it’s all part and parcel.
It’s a numbers game, for every success there is a few rejections, but it is what it is, and when you get them successes and do not fear the rejection any more then your confidence just goes into overdrive. Now I don’t give a fuck if rejected, just move on.
there is literally tens of thousands of people on here, you are going to be someone’s type, you just have to keep putting yourself out there |
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Rejection is a fact of life. It happens to us all from time to time. Learn to live with it and don't let it hurt your feelings.
We cannot be all and do all for others. They cannot be all and do all for you.
Remember the next time you feel a pain prick when rejected, you will have caused that same prick in countless others who did not fulfil your criteria to get to this point.
Now I need a coffee to help me keep looking for those opportunities. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Maybe we should look at rejection just as an honest way of somebody not being attracted to us, which is more about them and their preference rather then being about us not being attractive. We cannot please everybody in equal measures. Everybody gets a "no" at some point in their life. "
That’s very true, I think the issue is more that if the object of attraction turns you down, the ‘what now’ response, as well as the blow to self confidence and esteem.
Whilst I take a similar view to yourself, fear of rejection is a complex issue and one that is very prevalent on here |
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I do and not good at handling it .
This said , on Fab doesn't count for me , I'm messaging a stranger who if he doesn't respond or replies with a no thank you will remain so and that doesn't affect my confidence / self worth (or lack of) one bit .
In person, I don't fare so well ... I'm the type who'd stay lost rather then ask for directions , in case I'm bothering them .
Because of this I'm mostly self sufficient , seldom ask for anything even from loved one . If I need anything done I just pay for it , I never ask for help.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rejection for me (miss s) is something I've battled with all my life. I used to use work as a coping mechanism I have to be a role model and show everyone im the strong one who takes hit after hit and carries on but I hit a low point during the first lockdown when I couldn't work.
I've since learnt that I am good enough and if people don't like it then its their problem not mine. I still have days where the anxiety of rejection gets to much or I overthink things in a negative view but hubby usually shows me its my mind running away with itself.
Miss s x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rejection is fine. I grew. Ghosting not so much.
For me rejection used to just trigger something, not the rejection per se but the memory of another event. So had to do some work on it. Its good to sit and analyse where our fears originate and put it all apart to inspect what can be rationalised and what can be just.. accepted.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm curious as to the context of rejection.
In relation to fab, it makes me think of people contacting others with an off the bat offer. This isn't something I can relate to.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm ok with rejection, life is full of rejections on many levels, even from those we consider close to us. I think we become 'hardened' to rejection as we grow. I tend to struggle more with acceptance, the thought of being accepted triggers something that makes me question motives/reasons which then lead on to the self doubt. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Rejection is fine. I grew. Ghosting not so much.
For me rejection used to just trigger something, not the rejection per se but the memory of another event. So had to do some work on it. Its good to sit and analyse where our fears originate and put it all apart to inspect what can be rationalised and what can be just.. accepted.
"
I think that that is a large part of it and certainly the basis of a lot of personal issues or mental health illness; the memory of past events triggered by echoes from current ones. Unpicking them, understanding them and finding the base trauma can be a large part of recovery or at least help a person to find the tools to manage.
It sounds like you’re doing well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Rejection is fine. I grew. Ghosting not so much.
For me rejection used to just trigger something, not the rejection per se but the memory of another event. So had to do some work on it. Its good to sit and analyse where our fears originate and put it all apart to inspect what can be rationalised and what can be just.. accepted.
I think that that is a large part of it and certainly the basis of a lot of personal issues or mental health illness; the memory of past events triggered by echoes from current ones. Unpicking them, understanding them and finding the base trauma can be a large part of recovery or at least help a person to find the tools to manage.
It sounds like you’re doing well"
Definitely better than I was;-) thanks Tea. |
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I don't *fear* rejection, as a rule; I'm resigned to it being the norm. The sheer *volume* of it gets wearing sometimes, though.
What *does* bother me is when people can't leave it there, and choose to scuttle the friendship entirely rather than just moving past it. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Rejection for me (miss s) is something I've battled with all my life. I used to use work as a coping mechanism I have to be a role model and show everyone im the strong one who takes hit after hit and carries on but I hit a low point during the first lockdown when I couldn't work.
I've since learnt that I am good enough and if people don't like it then its their problem not mine. I still have days where the anxiety of rejection gets to much or I overthink things in a negative view but hubby usually shows me its my mind running away with itself.
Miss s x
"
This reminded me of a thread that I did a while ago about labels and how we use them vs how they ‘control’ us.
It’s can be a fine line but if we become defined by things that we feel are intrinsic to coping mechanisms or our sense of self and they’re taken away, it can be a difficult process to redefine and not lose identities.
I had a similar process after my marriage broke down. Understanding who I was beyond ‘husband’ ‘father’ ‘breadwinner’ etc. was a difficult process |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fear of rejection from what is basically a total stranger on the interweb is just stupid when you put it in the context of we can walk down the street and pass 60 strangers and maybe 3 will think your truly there type.
If you fear nit being everyone's type then that's stupid and deluded.
There's many things about a person that makes them who they are. Looks personality accent mannerisms this list can go on.If someone isn't attracted to one of your traits then that could spoil the whole picture for them. So just realise not everyone is going to be truly attracted to you (unless you me of course) So just take it as it is and have fun not fearing things and float along until the one or ones that are into you come your way. |
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Rejection at my looks? Not really. If I'm happy with my body I may have a slight "ouch, I'm at my best and that's not good enough" but that's momentary and reason kicks in that not everyone fancies everyone. I most certainly don't. In fact, I'm almost dead inside on the fancying thing. If I'm not happy with my body at the time I agree with their rejection and think "I wouldn't either so I respect ya for not fancying me"
That's quite tragic really when ya think about it.
There's so much to rejection though, so many layers and reasons and who's and wheres.
I don't apply for a new job because I'm scared of not being good enough, clever enough, skilled enough bla bla bla. I'm feel that with age comes slower learning and remembering and I don't wanna let myself or an employer down so stick with what I know.
On here, if I'm rejected for my views on things I'm passionate about... fucking good. It means we really ain't compatible and at least they ain't trying to mug me off to get in my knickers and they have some self respect.
But yeah, I guess I do fear it in some ways. My emotional relationships have been toxic as fuck. An emotionally unavailable mum, an abusive cunt and then the most recent low blow.
They felt like rejections even though they weren't. They were toxic situations. That's how much it fucks with your head.
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Fear of rejection from what is basically a total stranger on the interweb is just stupid when you put it in the context of we can walk down the street and pass 60 strangers and maybe 3 will think your truly there type.
If you fear nit being everyone's type then that's stupid and deluded.
There's many things about a person that makes them who they are. Looks personality accent mannerisms this list can go on.If someone isn't attracted to one of your traits then that could spoil the whole picture for them. So just realise not everyone is going to be truly attracted to you (unless you me of course) So just take it as it is and have fun not fearing things and float along until the one or ones that are into you come your way."
Ok.
I understand that you don’t feel that way but the value judgement is unnecessary. As you can see from the thread, lots of people do experience this so dismissing their feelings and experiences in a negative, offhand manner isn’t constructive or helpful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You can control fear.
As an adult you shouldn't fear as many things. Be in control of what's around you.
If it's a fear of weakness buy a punchbag and work it out by Getting mentally and physically stronger.
Determination. It's in you.
Believe |
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Rejection is never nice but I can handle an initial rejection or rejection early on and brush myself off and move on. The type of rejection I fear more is probably when I'm emotionally invested in someone. I guess I don't fear not being wanted at all, just not being enough to keep someone around. |
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"When we started here we had no fear of rejection. But after a few it gets harder to ignore. It got to the point where my wife and I lost interest.
If you have self esteem issues fab is a tough place to be "
I think for men this is very true but i think for women there is a different problem of not letting all the attention go to your head. |
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"Rejection is never nice but I can handle an initial rejection or rejection early on and brush myself off and move on. The type of rejection I fear more is probably when I'm emotionally invested in someone. I guess I don't fear not being wanted at all, just not being enough to keep someone around. "
Yes. So much this for me. |
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I remember someone quoting a thing about age and rejection.
An 18 year old goes to a club and spends the night wanting to ask a girl to dance, but is too shy and goes home alone.
A 20 something year old goes to a club, spends all night building up the courage to ask a girl to dance and if rejected, leaves and goes home alone.
However a 30 year goes to a club and at the beginning of the night asks a girl to dance if she says no ...he then asks each of her mates, until someone says yes.
Not sure if it’s true, but I feel I deal with rejection better the older I get |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The fear only depends on who is rejecting me.
Being rejected by people I love is a different ball game to being rejected by strangers.
I'm currently looking for a new job and have had a few rejections and I'm not bothered, I wouldn't be bothered if someone rejected me on here either.
I'm hurt by my friend rejecting me over the weekend though.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The fear only depends on who is rejecting me.
Being rejected by people I love is a different ball game to being rejected by strangers.
I'm currently looking for a new job and have had a few rejections and I'm not bothered, I wouldn't be bothered if someone rejected me on here either.
I'm hurt by my friend rejecting me over the weekend though.
"
This for me too. If someone knows me well and rejects me that hurts like hell. But a stranger on Fab ? Might bother me for five minutes but no more. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes i do. Fab is a hard place sometimes thinking you match with someone spending time doing a nice polite message and getting nothing back. React differently depending on mindset some times i can brush it off and carry on and others i need a break away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I remember someone quoting a thing about age and rejection.
An 18 year old goes to a club and spends the night wanting to ask a girl to dance, but is too shy and goes home alone.
A 20 something year old goes to a club, spends all night building up the courage to ask a girl to dance and if rejected, leaves and goes home alone.
However a 30 year goes to a club and at the beginning of the night asks a girl to dance if she says no ...he then asks each of her mates, until someone says yes.
Not sure if it’s true, but I feel I deal with rejection better the older I get "
This is absolutely spot on, the 30 year old has dealt with rejection and can easy brush it off and move on. This is the key if someone rejects you then balls to them, you simply wasn’t what they were looking for. |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
"Rejection is fine. I grew. Ghosting not so much.
For me rejection used to just trigger something, not the rejection per se but the memory of another event. So had to do some work on it. Its good to sit and analyse where our fears originate and put it all apart to inspect what can be rationalised and what can be just.. accepted.
"
Actually you're right at least with rejection you know where you stand, ghosting is worse, to be talking with someone for a while and then boom radio silence but still see them active actually feels worse, if you've changed your mind etc etc just say rather than ignore (obviously I know life can be a contributing factor)
I've been on the end of it so many times and it seriously makes me question myself more than a simple no thanks |
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"Following on from a thread yesterday that I kind of (not kind of, absolutely did) highjacked, it became clear as to just how many people have a fear of being rejected and I felt that this warranted discussion.
Without judgement, is this something that you have? Is it something the governs your actions and your interactions with others?
How do you get around it, how does it affect your connections and what is it that you’re afraid the rejection means?
Alternatively, do you have no issue with putting yourself out there and how does rejection feel to you?
I’m not going to be able to respond to everyone on this unfortunately but I’ll try to answer as I go"
Rejection for me has two parts. First is the appreciation of honesty, instead of leading me on, you tell me the truth, and I will respond with a polite thank you message. But if it’s in person, I get embarrassed and awkward and don’t make sentences good any more (see what I did there? Lol)
I miss out so much in clubs for fear of being rejected. I’ve spoken to people after an event and told them (it’s easier online) and they were like “you should have said!” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have no problems with rejection really
If we're talking about on here, then it means diddly squat ... I don't know them and they don't know me. Actually prefer the honesty in all honesty!
If we're talking in person then it's slightly different. I've been able to ask anyone the most amazing things in life that has opened so many doors and adventures and that is really cool ... I believe the one freedom we have in life is to say no and no invariably doesn't change what already is, so nothing lost!
If it's someone I know well that has rejected me full stop then usually it means that I have got something very wrong and that's to be looked at, thought about deeply and changes made ... a grand lesson to take forward.
Sometimes, occasionally, I can be rejected because of something someone else has done and that needs lots of thought and a decision made of whether to walk away or confront them ... again a lesson to be learned
Life is made up of mistakes and lessons ... so all is good!
Do they hurt? Varies from no to absofuckinglutey ... life lessons learned and taken forward ... my little world is good! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Of course people want to be accepted with those they want to be. To not have fear of rejections shows a lack of care. (I don’t like people who don’t care.)
Your character is more about how you handle rejection.
Top tip. - “Your a f’kin ugly tw*t anyway...” Is not a recomendad way to react. 
You don’t need to be happy to be rejected, just be calm about it. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I have no problems with rejection really
If we're talking about on here, then it means diddly squat ... I don't know them and they don't know me. Actually prefer the honesty in all honesty!
If we're talking in person then it's slightly different. I've been able to ask anyone the most amazing things in life that has opened so many doors and adventures and that is really cool ... I believe the one freedom we have in life is to say no and no invariably doesn't change what already is, so nothing lost!
If it's someone I know well that has rejected me full stop then usually it means that I have got something very wrong and that's to be looked at, thought about deeply and changes made ... a grand lesson to take forward.
Sometimes, occasionally, I can be rejected because of something someone else has done and that needs lots of thought and a decision made of whether to walk away or confront them ... again a lesson to be learned
Life is made up of mistakes and lessons ... so all is good!
Do they hurt? Varies from no to absofuckinglutey ... life lessons learned and taken forward ... my little world is good! "
This is very wise |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The fear only depends on who is rejecting me.
Being rejected by people I love is a different ball game to being rejected by strangers.
I'm currently looking for a new job and have had a few rejections and I'm not bothered, I wouldn't be bothered if someone rejected me on here either.
I'm hurt by my friend rejecting me over the weekend though.
"
I agree |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I didn't fear the rejection so much as lacked the courage to ask. I reckon if you actually asked and were told no that in most cases you would be quite chuffed you done it. But like everything else with age I managed to overcome it as it was holding me back as I got older. For me though was a lot of self reflection and changing how I viewed the world. Pretty shit though as I expect the worst so can never be disappointed if that makes sense. But that's not from low self esteem. I like who I am and don't care about how people view me . It is terrible though not being able to break free from it especially in this environment. One nasty comment to someone can be devastating. |
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"If you have self esteem issues fab is a tough place to be "
I think you do need to acknowledge that not everyone appeals to everyone, and if people don't fancy you, move on respectfully. If you're interesting and nice, enough people will like you, and this is a good way to meet people who have the same basic outlook. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Of course people want to be accepted with those they want to be. To not have fear of rejections shows a lack of care. (I don’t like people who don’t care.)
Your character is more about how you handle rejection.
Top tip. - “Your a f’kin ugly tw*t anyway...” Is not a recomendad way to react.
You don’t need to be happy to be rejected, just be calm about it. "
I would agree with that based on what I've said. If I was to be honest I would say I don't care about things I should. Got me thinking now lol. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't feel that way on Fab, but feel it very strongly in other areas of my life. I'm so deeply afraid of being rejected for friendships, or by colleagues that I just don't even try. Then get a reputation as being very aloof. |
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"I don't feel that way on Fab, but feel it very strongly in other areas of my life. I'm so deeply afraid of being rejected for friendships, or by colleagues that I just don't even try. Then get a reputation as being very aloof. "
Long ago, I realised that I couldn't be any other way than I am, and that if people don't like that, I can't bend. Rejection is their problem, not mine. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Following on from a thread yesterday that I kind of (not kind of, absolutely did) highjacked, it became clear as to just how many people have a fear of being rejected and I felt that this warranted discussion.
Without judgement, is this something that you have? Is it something the governs your actions and your interactions with others?
How do you get around it, how does it affect your connections and what is it that you’re afraid the rejection means?
Alternatively, do you have no issue with putting yourself out there and how does rejection feel to you?
I’m not going to be able to respond to everyone on this unfortunately but I’ll try to answer as I go"
One of my core issues is rejection, from childhood, I have no problem putting myself out there and nit allowing it to given my actions, because I feel a way doesn't mean I need to act in a certain way...
That being said I have to be mindful, of how things can tap into this core issue, how it is deeper than the secondary rejection episode...
When I do feel rejected, its nit the feelings that are the problem...more so the coping strategies I employ to deal with it,
These being external fixes, for an internal problem. My experience tells me these dint work, but in the moment I want to run, hide avoid, distract and suppress these feelings, this can be through anything that I believe changes the way I feel acting out on
Food
Porn
Gambling
Was drugs
Shopping
Wanking
Sex
I do believe there is levels to the feelings attached to rejection, the deeper feeling can be crippling
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To old to give a flying fuck now pardone my french to old to be kicked in the bollocks now why because frankly my dear I don’t give a damn you getting naked or what  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't feel that way on Fab, but feel it very strongly in other areas of my life. I'm so deeply afraid of being rejected for friendships, or by colleagues that I just don't even try. Then get a reputation as being very aloof. "
This, very well said btw |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't feel that way on Fab, but feel it very strongly in other areas of my life. I'm so deeply afraid of being rejected for friendships, or by colleagues that I just don't even try. Then get a reputation as being very aloof.
This, very well said btw "
I relate very strongly to this also. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Yes. It’s probably one of a few issues I have that I’m aware of. And it’s one of the ones I’m less inclined to work on because I’m fairly old fashioned when it comes to the opposite sex.
"
You mean in terms of who approaches and is the ‘aggressor’?
I think that a lot of people use the traditional gender dynamics as a way of avoiding being rejected |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Yes. It’s probably one of a few issues I have that I’m aware of. And it’s one of the ones I’m less inclined to work on because I’m fairly old fashioned when it comes to the opposite sex.
You mean in terms of who approaches and is the ‘aggressor’?
I think that a lot of people use the traditional gender dynamics as a way of avoiding being rejected"
Can we truly avoid being rejected, as the act of being rejected is not in our power |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I been hear for year
My spelling is bad and English is not my first language
I found out as a man you have to be super super polite. It's part of a fashion to be rejected on thus website I got used to it
I have not manage to.meet any one
Tjrrbis few nise peopleo I started talking to
Being rejected as man on this website is usual thing
The expression I am going to us is there are rude peopleo out there making life difficult for others
Dear all.men. make life easy for yourself be polite be respectfully
|
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
"Yes. It’s probably one of a few issues I have that I’m aware of. And it’s one of the ones I’m less inclined to work on because I’m fairly old fashioned when it comes to the opposite sex.
You mean in terms of who approaches and is the ‘aggressor’?
I think that a lot of people use the traditional gender dynamics as a way of avoiding being rejected"
Yep, that’s it exactly. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I been hear for year
My spelling is bad and English is not my first language
I found out as a man you have to be super super polite. It's part of a fashion to be rejected on thus website I got used to it
I have not manage to.meet any one
Tjrrbis few nise peopleo I started talking to
Being rejected as man on this website is usual thing
The expression I am going to us is there are rude peopleo out there making life difficult for others
Dear all.men. make life easy for yourself be polite be respectfully
"
This should go without saying but yes, definitely be polite. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't fear rejection, I think it is great if someone is honest enough to say 'you are not my type'. Better honesty at point of messaging, than left on pub bar stool as a no show "
So this. |
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"I don't fear rejection, I think it is great if someone is honest enough to say 'you are not my type'. Better honesty at point of messaging, than left on pub bar stool as a no show
So this. "
I have mailed lots of men on here, very very few result to even a social stage. They lose interest, change their mind etc. |
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I get rejected all the time...a guy in lingerie is on very few people's list of interests. Yes it's disappointing but that's life. I'd rather know where someone stands from the off than later on. Some are polite, some are rude but also I've got friends on here that I've had great conversations with and still do even if we are not compatible various ways! |
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"I get rejected all the time...a guy in lingerie is on very few people's list of interests. Yes it's disappointing but that's life. I'd rather know where someone stands from the off than later on. Some are polite, some are rude but also I've got friends on here that I've had great conversations with and still do even if we are not compatible various ways! "
Over 900 photos 
Is that a fab record |
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"I get rejected all the time...a guy in lingerie is on very few people's list of interests. Yes it's disappointing but that's life. I'd rather know where someone stands from the off than later on. Some are polite, some are rude but also I've got friends on here that I've had great conversations with and still do even if we are not compatible various ways!
Over 900 photos
Is that a fab record "
Ha! I think many I've posted more than once...or three times I forget which one's I have! |
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I don't have a fear of rejection but am sensitive to it as well as indifferent. I like the challenge of meeting new people and it comes with some possible mismatches but it's fun to explore. The hard and real rejection would be a long term partner. For the others, it's superficial and as normal as decluttering, getting them out of my life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I quite like rejection in a strange way. It allows perspective whether it’s fab, socially or professionally. Rejection allows one to grow "
Rejection = reflection |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’ve got huge issues with rejection. It’s something that’s been discussed in my counselling. For example when asked about my father that never bothered with me I said what was wrong with me to make him not want to see me. My counsellor pointed out that my first response is to wonder why I’m not enough or wonder what I’ve done wrong, she said if my daughters dad didn’t bother with her when she was a baby would I think my daughter wasn’t enough or good enough or would I think her father was a prick with his own shit going on?
Also wondered how on two separate occasions my mother just stood there when my step father battered me when I was a teenager. I asked my counsellor why didn’t she stick up for me or protect me. My counsellor said what’s your mothers personality like and I explained that she never sticks up for herself, isn’t the slightest bit confrontational and even struggles doing phone calls where she has to complain or challenge someone, so, my counsellor said if I look at it another way and that’s that my mother didn’t protect me or stick up for me because she just wouldn’t do it, it’s because she couldn’t do it, it wasn’t in her nature or personality to be able to confront anyone.
My issues with rejection only kick in when it applies to men, when I feel any rejection I instantly blame myself, wonder what I did wrong, need answers and explanations as to what I did wrong and can’t accept that the issue could actually be with them and nothing to do with me.
It’s fucking hard, it’s why I urge every person with children to really really be aware of what they say and how they are treated because it can massively impact on how you are as an adult. Always make sure your children know they are loved and wanted and the most important things to you. |
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Rejection has never bothered me we all grow up with it. Didnt get picked for the school play or our team of choicem Liked someone who didnt like us bqck. Failed at a job interview. Life gears you up for rejection. I wouldnt have messaged guys first on here if i feared rejection |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I fear being rejected or more likely not being enough, I think that's a fairly common thing for people to experience.
I've found ways to work around it but it's always hard when you find someone you think you'd be a good match with and get rejected!
But hey, such is life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Also what I count as rejection is from someone that’s known to me and spent time with me.
I’m lucky/unlucky enough to never have been rejected based on looks, everyone I’ve ever been attracted to or wanted has never turned me down and new people pursue me hard...in the beginning. So my rejection only comes after they leave me which is usually after I’ve displayed some crazy behaviour towards them.
I’m confident, I’m fully happy with how I look, I’ll approach anybody but I’m very critical of myself and quick to blame myself if anything goes wrong.
Like if I went to a speed dating event and got 29 guys phone numbers out of 30 I’d obsess over the one who didn’t give me their number and would say that the night was a failure whereas someone else could get 10 guys numbers out of 30 and would say that the night was successful  |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I fear being rejected or more likely not being enough, I think that's a fairly common thing for people to experience.
I've found ways to work around it but it's always hard when you find someone you think you'd be a good match with and get rejected!
But hey, such is life"
I think that is a very valid point - the fear of something actually being worse than the experience itself. Sometimes that stops us even trying... which is sad. |
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I fear rejection all the damn time.
I like women and although some are fine with me as a crossdresser, I also know that it would make some run a mile too so even if I present how I am 99% of the time as a male, I will always have this side of me that won't go and have to factor that in as well as it can't be hidden.
It would honestly be easier to just be a normal male without this side of me even though I know thus side of me is great fun and harmless to anyone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I fear rejection all the damn time.
I like women and although some are fine with me as a crossdresser, I also know that it would make some run a mile too so even if I present how I am 99% of the time as a male, I will always have this side of me that won't go and have to factor that in as well as it can't be hidden.
It would honestly be easier to just be a normal male without this side of me even though I know thus side of me is great fun and harmless to anyone."
You are normal, don't think otherwise (hug) |
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"I fear rejection all the damn time.
I like women and although some are fine with me as a crossdresser, I also know that it would make some run a mile too so even if I present how I am 99% of the time as a male, I will always have this side of me that won't go and have to factor that in as well as it can't be hidden.
It would honestly be easier to just be a normal male without this side of me even though I know thus side of me is great fun and harmless to anyone.
You are normal, don't think otherwise (hug)"
Hahhahaaa no I'm absolutely not |
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"Also what I count as rejection is from someone that’s known to me and spent time with me.
I’m lucky/unlucky enough to never have been rejected based on looks, everyone I’ve ever been attracted to or wanted has never turned me down and new people pursue me hard...in the beginning. So my rejection only comes after they leave me which is usually after I’ve displayed some crazy behaviour towards them.
I’m confident, I’m fully happy with how I look, I’ll approach anybody but I’m very critical of myself and quick to blame myself if anything goes wrong.
Like if I went to a speed dating event and got 29 guys phone numbers out of 30 I’d obsess over the one who didn’t give me their number and would say that the night was a failure whereas someone else could get 10 guys numbers out of 30 and would say that the night was successful "
Have you given the thought, he might not have given his number because he had thought you would reject it. If he had seen you get all the numbers off every other guy he may have felt he had no chance with you, I’d probably come under that category. Seeing someone you find attractive and knowing everyone else does, can be intimidating too some.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I fear rejection all the damn time.
I like women and although some are fine with me as a crossdresser, I also know that it would make some run a mile too so even if I present how I am 99% of the time as a male, I will always have this side of me that won't go and have to factor that in as well as it can't be hidden.
It would honestly be easier to just be a normal male without this side of me even though I know thus side of me is great fun and harmless to anyone."
Probably jealous that you look better than them when you’re in bird mode |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Also what I count as rejection is from someone that’s known to me and spent time with me.
I’m lucky/unlucky enough to never have been rejected based on looks, everyone I’ve ever been attracted to or wanted has never turned me down and new people pursue me hard...in the beginning. So my rejection only comes after they leave me which is usually after I’ve displayed some crazy behaviour towards them.
I’m confident, I’m fully happy with how I look, I’ll approach anybody but I’m very critical of myself and quick to blame myself if anything goes wrong.
Like if I went to a speed dating event and got 29 guys phone numbers out of 30 I’d obsess over the one who didn’t give me their number and would say that the night was a failure whereas someone else could get 10 guys numbers out of 30 and would say that the night was successful
Have you given the thought, he might not have given his number because he had thought you would reject it. If he had seen you get all the numbers off every other guy he may have felt he had no chance with you, I’d probably come under that category. Seeing someone you find attractive and knowing everyone else does, can be intimidating too some. "
That could be one reason and it’s a pretty valid one as well, like even those this is a hypothetical example, that one guy could think he doesn’t want to compete against all the other guys but my brain won’t accept it, or any other reason other than blame myself or think it’s something I did wrong or that he didn’t like me and I’d focus on that. It’s just how my brain works. |
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"Also what I count as rejection is from someone that’s known to me and spent time with me.
I’m lucky/unlucky enough to never have been rejected based on looks, everyone I’ve ever been attracted to or wanted has never turned me down and new people pursue me hard...in the beginning. So my rejection only comes after they leave me which is usually after I’ve displayed some crazy behaviour towards them.
I’m confident, I’m fully happy with how I look, I’ll approach anybody but I’m very critical of myself and quick to blame myself if anything goes wrong.
Like if I went to a speed dating event and got 29 guys phone numbers out of 30 I’d obsess over the one who didn’t give me their number and would say that the night was a failure whereas someone else could get 10 guys numbers out of 30 and would say that the night was successful "
Well now I’m not giving you my number  |
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Rejection usually isn't a pleasant sensation; perhaps because we invest too much personality or malice in a decision that may be completely arbitrary.
There may be some small detail that someone doesn't see, and that is all it takes to be a 'no'. For example, someone may be looking for someone with blond hair, I don't have that so I'm out. Colour of hair, height, physique etc cannot speak to my personality and merit as a person. Its not a rejection of me, per se, merely an elimination from a subset of desired characteristics.
Doesn't feel great, not going to lie, but if my worth is only tied on what strangers may believe about me aethetically, then I'm setting myself up for hassle. |
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"I fear rejection all the damn time.
I like women and although some are fine with me as a crossdresser, I also know that it would make some run a mile too so even if I present how I am 99% of the time as a male, I will always have this side of me that won't go and have to factor that in as well as it can't be hidden.
It would honestly be easier to just be a normal male without this side of me even though I know thus side of me is great fun and harmless to anyone.
Probably jealous that you look better than them when you’re in bird mode "
I very much doubt that 
I do get it though as it can be a case of not understanding why I do this (I barely even know myself) and the worry that I might be hiding that I'm into men (I'm not) or maybe thinking I'm not masculine when not dressed, you've seen my pics, you wouldn't guess in anything other than masculine but without body hair.
I guess a lot of it is my own insecurities of the way I am and when you hear the derogatory remarks that many say about crossdressers and what they think of people like me you tend to think its the view of the majority so it makes you very insecure about sharing both sides of who you are. |
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"simply, yes.
and it pretty much affects everything i do.. not just in fab world. Px
someoane rejected you!! The world is crazy.."
I didn’t mean to reject her!!! Autocorrect on my phone changed “hell yes!!!” to “hell no!!!”
She hasn’t spoken to me since  |
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I have always suffered low self esteem and I'm a people please so it's taken me a long time to accept the fact that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. There are still times when I feel a rejection more than others, but that's usually down other things like tiredness, hormones etc |
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I guess I'm in a lucky position that anything on here is "extra".
I'm more than happy with life with Mr Racer, so if nothing comes of something on here, then it's no big deal.
Makes it much easier to just be ourselves and deal with rejection. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It used to affect me a hell of a lot in my early 20s but now at 27 it just doesn’t bother me anymore.
Granted, I am shy by nature so don’t always put myself out there, but I have done before and I’ve been rejected and it didn’t hurt like I used to think it would when younger, I think once you get over the first rejection whether this be a job, date or anything else, all the others after get easier.
At least for myself anyway! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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interesting thread, as ive just been studying this is a psychology course. It seems the brain experiences social rejection in the same way as physical pain, since essentially acceptance is critical to our survival. However if we practise our critical thinking we can lessen the intensity of the experience. |
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