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Good intentions....not
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
always well received. What am I talking about?
When somebody who perhaps has not seen you for a while, tells you that you look "well", a lot "slimmer" or whatever really.
I am not necessarily talking about a backhanded compliment when somebody is trying to wind you up, insult you. I am talking about an innocent compliment that you really don't want to receive. The sort of thing which leaves you wondering why it is important to that other person how you look?
I for one am not a fan of compliments - not because I think they are fake or have a hidden agenda. I just really wonder why it is important enough for somebody to comment on my looks, even when it is a positive thing they highlight - well, positive in THEIR eyes.
Any thoughts?
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I often tell people they look well or I like their outfit etc. Weight I won't comment on, I've had you look good you lost weight when I was ill, though I've also been asked if I'm fat or pregnant. |
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I'm with you. Why comment at all.
My neighbour has 'invited' me for a drink several times. It goes like this .........
'The wife' said to me to ask you to come up sometime for a drink. We can sit in the garden. She says you are a laugh. I don't give a shite like. It doesn't bother me but she says - ask her. She's a good laugh and very funny when she's had a drink.
I respond. Oh that's kind of you both. I don't drink.
He repeats the above......
I've told her that. I say to her you don't drink but she says ask you to come and sit in the garden. I don't give a shit , you know me .......
And he wonders why I always say no 
I've had far better invites and refused those politely too ...... I mean IS that an invite ? Really ? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I love complimenting people and noticing changes in them. Most appreciate it and feel 'seen' by someone.
"
Understand that completely - I know I am likely to be the odd one here |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I often tell people they look well or I like their outfit etc. Weight I won't comment on, I've had you look good you lost weight when I was ill, though I've also been asked if I'm fat or pregnant. "
I can see why paying a compliment makes the compliment giver feel good, too.  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I'm with you. Why comment at all.
My neighbour has 'invited' me for a drink several times. It goes like this .........
'The wife' said to me to ask you to come up sometime for a drink. We can sit in the garden. She says you are a laugh. I don't give a shite like. It doesn't bother me but she says - ask her. She's a good laugh and very funny when she's had a drink.
I respond. Oh that's kind of you both. I don't drink.
He repeats the above......
I've told her that. I say to her you don't drink but she says ask you to come and sit in the garden. I don't give a shit , you know me .......
And he wonders why I always say no
I've had far better invites and refused those politely too ...... I mean IS that an invite ? Really ? "
Absolutely. You are not being heard. Infuriating. |
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I will tell someone they look nice if I think they do. It has never occurred to me that it might not be well received, this has made me think.
I like being complimented on my appearance in most cases. One exception was a colleague who constantly complimented me and I had to tell her it was embarrassing me. Another is when it's not genuine. |
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"I often tell people they look well or I like their outfit etc. Weight I won't comment on, I've had you look good you lost weight when I was ill, though I've also been asked if I'm fat or pregnant.
I can see why paying a compliment makes the compliment giver feel good, too. "
It's also a conversation starter. I like that dress, oh thank you I got it from..... And then off you go. It's not always about making people feel good as such but a way to break the ice. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I'm not much good at giving compliments but I do try and I feel awkward receiving them  "
Understand - for me it is not even about awkward...I guess it is more about thinking why are they focussing on my looks...? |
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"I'm not much good at giving compliments but I do try and I feel awkward receiving them Understand - for me it is not even about awkward...I guess it is more about thinking why are they focussing on my looks...?"
Lovely to see you is enough .......
Great to see you is better........
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I will tell someone they look nice if I think they do. It has never occurred to me that it might not be well received, this has made me think.
I like being complimented on my appearance in most cases. One exception was a colleague who constantly complimented me and I had to tell her it was embarrassing me. Another is when it's not genuine."
Non genuine is pure cringe material, I agree.
Maybe I just want to be noticed more for nice I have done for them - not sure. All I know is that I dislike it lol |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It's always nice to offer a compliment or recieve one take it as it's mean't, just a kind gesture  "
I understand the intention is genuine, and well intended... but if it is not received as such (I feel quite irritated by it at times) ? |
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"I will tell someone they look nice if I think they do. It has never occurred to me that it might not be well received, this has made me think.
I like being complimented on my appearance in most cases. One exception was a colleague who constantly complimented me and I had to tell her it was embarrassing me. Another is when it's not genuine.
Non genuine is pure cringe material, I agree.
Maybe I just want to be noticed more for nice I have done for them - not sure. All I know is that I dislike it lol"
That's fair enough. We like what we like .
I like to be complimented for nice things I've done or good things they see in my personality too. I enjoy being complimented on my appearance because I do my best to look nice every day and if someone else thinks I've been successful its nice. It's probably very shallow of me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's always nice to offer a compliment or recieve one take it as it's mean't, just a kind gesture
I understand the intention is genuine, and well intended... but if it is not received as such (I feel quite irritated by it at times) ? "
I think I understand where your coming from but how do you react then to a genuine compliment from a person who is just being nice, I'm genuinely intrigued  |
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When people tell me I look healthy now I've put a bit of weight on.
I'm struggling with how much bigger I'm getting, not because I'm out of control or any of that, but the mental connection I have with being bigger. I started "shrinking" when I was finally out of the abusive relationship and ok I'm not in it, but bigger me = abused me
May sound silly but I'm just being honest |
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Because that's how we have been brought up in society's views, we should be looking good, happy with well rounded mental health.
I work with positive reinforcement behaviours every single day, I try to compliment and praise on achievements no matter how small |
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Soon the only way we will be able to converse without causing offence to someone is by telepathy
“this person is in my presence so they must feel comfortable there, in light of that I will remain very still and not utter a word for fear of aggressive gestures or offensive words”
I know everybody, life isn’t enough of a minefield, let’s see if we can’t spice it up with trip lines barbed wires and pit-traps..... give me strength  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"It's always nice to offer a compliment or recieve one take it as it's mean't, just a kind gesture
I understand the intention is genuine, and well intended... but if it is not received as such (I feel quite irritated by it at times) ? I think I understand where your coming from but how do you react then to a genuine compliment from a person who is just being nice, I'm genuinely intrigued "
I understand that - I do not reject people when they say nice things , I am just saying how I feel (most of the time) but I also accept that I am in the minority. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Because that's how we have been brought up in society's views, we should be looking good, happy with well rounded mental health.
I work with positive reinforcement behaviours every single day, I try to compliment and praise on achievements no matter how small "
The clue for me is in the "I try to compliment and praise on achievements no matter how small" with which I 100% agree. Compliments on actions, achievements, kind things... are necessary and nice to hear. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Soon the only way we will be able to converse without causing offence to someone is by telepathy
“this person is in my presence so they must feel comfortable there, in light of that I will remain very still and not utter a word for fear of aggressive gestures or offensive words”
I know everybody, life isn’t enough of a minefield, let’s see if we can’t spice it up with trip lines barbed wires and pit-traps..... give me strength "
Not sure where you are coming from here tbh - I am not trying to make things difficult for anybody. I also disagree that life is a minefield, it only becomes that when we cannot be honest about our feelings and thoughts.
Clear communication, saying how you feel is important and my stance on this is about sharing that not everybody is happy to hear a compliment regarding their looks but perfectly accepting on compliments on their actions. |
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"Soon the only way we will be able to converse without causing offence to someone is by telepathy
“this person is in my presence so they must feel comfortable there, in light of that I will remain very still and not utter a word for fear of aggressive gestures or offensive words”
I know everybody, life isn’t enough of a minefield, let’s see if we can’t spice it up with trip lines barbed wires and pit-traps..... give me strength
Not sure where you are coming from here tbh - I am not trying to make things difficult for anybody. I also disagree that life is a minefield, it only becomes that when we cannot be honest about our feelings and thoughts.
Clear communication, saying how you feel is important and my stance on this is about sharing that not everybody is happy to hear a compliment regarding their looks but perfectly accepting on compliments on their actions. "
I agree my response was gnarky for that I apologise. However not every compliment about how someone looks has an ulterior motive, sometimes it is a pure response to an impression made by someone’s physical appearance. Whilst there are those that abuse this, many people are honest in their hearts and truly express how they feel with such actions.
I understand that compliments about physical appearance can seem disingenuous, especially if we can’t see it ourselves, or superficial, when we are so much more than we appear, however I believe in the main these compliments come from a good place |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Isn't this just the mysteries and vagaries of smalltalk.
Personally if it doesn't start with a discussion of Wittgenstein then I don't see the point of having a conversation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Beginning to think noone can say anything to anyone anymore for fear of offending them! No wonder noone speaks to each other anymore ... glad I'm just a happy, simple person! A compliment is just a compliment |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Soon the only way we will be able to converse without causing offence to someone is by telepathy
“this person is in my presence so they must feel comfortable there, in light of that I will remain very still and not utter a word for fear of aggressive gestures or offensive words”
I know everybody, life isn’t enough of a minefield, let’s see if we can’t spice it up with trip lines barbed wires and pit-traps..... give me strength
Not sure where you are coming from here tbh - I am not trying to make things difficult for anybody. I also disagree that life is a minefield, it only becomes that when we cannot be honest about our feelings and thoughts.
Clear communication, saying how you feel is important and my stance on this is about sharing that not everybody is happy to hear a compliment regarding their looks but perfectly accepting on compliments on their actions.
I agree my response was gnarky for that I apologise. However not every compliment about how someone looks has an ulterior motive, sometimes it is a pure response to an impression made by someone’s physical appearance. Whilst there are those that abuse this, many people are honest in their hearts and truly express how they feel with such actions.
I understand that compliments about physical appearance can seem disingenuous, especially if we can’t see it ourselves, or superficial, when we are so much more than we appear, however I believe in the main these compliments come from a good place "
Agreed - thanks. And in fairness, I am aware that many/ most compliments may be really well meant - the problem lies with me |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Isn't this just the mysteries and vagaries of smalltalk.
Personally if it doesn't start with a discussion of Wittgenstein then I don't see the point of having a conversation."
I am probably an overthinker... |
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"Beginning to think noone can say anything to anyone anymore for fear of offending them! No wonder noone speaks to each other anymore ... glad I'm just a happy, simple person! A compliment is just a compliment "
To me it tells me people have had shit times and certain things can be triggering. I wouldn't be offended but it does make me think it's a physical sign that something is wrong in my life that I'm possibly dealing with in an unhealthy way that I've not cottoned on to. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Beginning to think noone can say anything to anyone anymore for fear of offending them! No wonder noone speaks to each other anymore ... glad I'm just a happy, simple person! A compliment is just a compliment "
Not at all - the point I was making was about how I receive these compliments and I asked if others feel the same. At no time did I suggest everybody stops speaking - on the contrary. As I said before clear and HONEST communication is really important. Mine was such a communication... that I don t feel comfortable when people make statements about my looks. I would prefer them to make statements on my actions if anything. Hope that makes more sense |
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"always well received. What am I talking about?
When somebody who perhaps has not seen you for a while, tells you that you look "well", a lot "slimmer" or whatever really.
I am not necessarily talking about a backhanded compliment when somebody is trying to wind you up, insult you. I am talking about an innocent compliment that you really don't want to receive. The sort of thing which leaves you wondering why it is important to that other person how you look?
I for one am not a fan of compliments - not because I think they are fake or have a hidden agenda. I just really wonder why it is important enough for somebody to comment on my looks, even when it is a positive thing they highlight - well, positive in THEIR eyes.
Any thoughts?
"
I think you look the same as last time  |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"When someone says ‘you’re looking well!’ that suggests at some point you weren’t looking well and now you look slightly better. "
Agreed - and most people would receive it in that way |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Beginning to think noone can say anything to anyone anymore for fear of offending them! No wonder noone speaks to each other anymore ... glad I'm just a happy, simple person! A compliment is just a compliment
To me it tells me people have had shit times and certain things can be triggering. I wouldn't be offended but it does make me think it's a physical sign that something is wrong in my life that I'm possibly dealing with in an unhealthy way that I've not cottoned on to."
^^^ This |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"always well received. What am I talking about?
When somebody who perhaps has not seen you for a while, tells you that you look "well", a lot "slimmer" or whatever really.
I am not necessarily talking about a backhanded compliment when somebody is trying to wind you up, insult you. I am talking about an innocent compliment that you really don't want to receive. The sort of thing which leaves you wondering why it is important to that other person how you look?
I for one am not a fan of compliments - not because I think they are fake or have a hidden agenda. I just really wonder why it is important enough for somebody to comment on my looks, even when it is a positive thing they highlight - well, positive in THEIR eyes.
Any thoughts?
I think you look the same as last time "
And hello to you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Beginning to think noone can say anything to anyone anymore for fear of offending them! No wonder noone speaks to each other anymore ... glad I'm just a happy, simple person! A compliment is just a compliment
To me it tells me people have had shit times and certain things can be triggering. I wouldn't be offended but it does make me think it's a physical sign that something is wrong in my life that I'm possibly dealing with in an unhealthy way that I've not cottoned on to."
Can it just not mean you're looking well today? Rather than overthinking or over complicating anything? Surely taking things at face value has its benefits for all? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't this just the mysteries and vagaries of smalltalk.
Personally if it doesn't start with a discussion of Wittgenstein then I don't see the point of having a conversation.
I am probably an overthinker... "
'Hi, haven't seen you in ages - you look well?'
'Thank you, so do you.'
'Thanks.'
'No problem.'
'Have you read Wittgenstein's 'Tractatus'?' |
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"Isn't this just the mysteries and vagaries of smalltalk.
Personally if it doesn't start with a discussion of Wittgenstein then I don't see the point of having a conversation."
And to think I thought you were looking rather Derridaesque today! |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Isn't this just the mysteries and vagaries of smalltalk.
Personally if it doesn't start with a discussion of Wittgenstein then I don't see the point of having a conversation.
I am probably an overthinker...
'Hi, haven't seen you in ages - you look well?'
'Thank you, so do you.'
'Thanks.'
'No problem.'
'Have you read Wittgenstein's 'Tractatus'?'"
Somebody is playing language games here |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Isn't this just the mysteries and vagaries of smalltalk.
Personally if it doesn't start with a discussion of Wittgenstein then I don't see the point of having a conversation.
And to think I thought you were looking rather Derridaesque today! "
I feel a touch of Sartre coming on though. |
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"Beginning to think noone can say anything to anyone anymore for fear of offending them! No wonder noone speaks to each other anymore ... glad I'm just a happy, simple person! A compliment is just a compliment
To me it tells me people have had shit times and certain things can be triggering. I wouldn't be offended but it does make me think it's a physical sign that something is wrong in my life that I'm possibly dealing with in an unhealthy way that I've not cottoned on to.
Can it just not mean you're looking well today? Rather than overthinking or over complicating anything? Surely taking things at face value has its benefits for all? "
In my case it went from "you've lost more weight " with a face of concern to "you're looking much better" sometimes mentioning the weight gain.
Weight gain = bad mentally and unaware
Whereas losing weight = bad mentally but very aware.
It just worries me that I'm suppressing some shit or something. Nothing to do with anyone else and I don't take any offence from what someone says, it just makes my ears prick up is all as weight change is a sure sign something is going on in my noggin. |
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