FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Single parents.... is there a double standard?

Single parents.... is there a double standard?

By *otSoPosh OP Woman over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

It's another long one I'm afraid....

It seems to me that the sex of a full time single parent shouldn't matter, and that anyone raising a child or children alone should be treated the same as anyone else. Sadly I've recently discovered that isn't always the case, and I wanted to see what the forum brains had to say. In my view, any person raising a child (or children) should be putting them and their needs first, and as a person coming in to that situation, I would expect that my needs and desires (and those of the parent concerned) would be dealt with to fit around the child(ren).

Now, as a straight woman, that means single fathers. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not all women think the same as I do. While men coming in to a mother's life would expect, and are expected, to think as I do, and in fact are vilified if they don't, it would seem that women aren't always the same, and some women expect the single fathers to put them first rather than the child. I'm not going to lie, I was gobsmacked when I heard this (from more than one source). I'm not just talking about fab, but obviously it's here that the subject has come up and here that I'm now bringing it up.

I'm not a parent, single or otherwise, and as such no doubt there will be people who think I shouldn't have an opinion. Sorry about that folks. I'm not that well behaved.

So to you....

Do you treat single parents differently based on whether they are female or male? As a single, full time parent do you feel you're treated differently from those of the opposite sex?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Child/Children come first always......

e.g. Your day to have the children then NOTHING else should be arranged. EVER.

Imagine this, well I couldn't have him that day your honour as the chance to get laid came up.

I couldn't have the kids that weekend your honour cos I went to the races with me mates.....

Kids first ...... time to be adults.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Child/Children come first always......

e.g. Your day to have the children then NOTHING else should be arranged. EVER.

Imagine this, well I couldn't have him that day your honour as the chance to get laid came up.

I couldn't have the kids that weekend your honour cos I went to the races with me mates.....

Kids first ...... time to be adults. "

What Granny said.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Holy fuck don't get me started on this....

Not had too many "dates" to speak of but I once met a lady who made it quite clear that should I wish to continue to date her then my little should permanently reside at his mums since she had no desire to raise anyone else's child and I had "a family" I needed to put first.

Left the evening half way through, didn't even attempt to pay at least my half. Not even sorry about that.

In recent years I've been unfortunate in the sense that my little has only me now and its 100% me 100% of the time... Guess what... Its MY responsibility to make time for the ladies I speak to and I need to make arrangements for childcare because said lady excepts me to understand she has children!!!!

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Child/Children come first always......

e.g. Your day to have the children then NOTHING else should be arranged. EVER.

Imagine this, well I couldn't have him that day your honour as the chance to get laid came up.

I couldn't have the kids that weekend your honour cos I went to the races with me mates.....

Kids first ...... time to be adults. "

Precisely my feelings. But apparently not all feel the same unfortunately.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

This is why i would never have got involved with a single father. Kids come first and i didnt want my life restricted because of father duties

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

I've seen this on dating sites and although it is unnatural to me, I can see her point for wanting his full attention especially if she is looking for a life partner. I've seen men get shitty because I put mine first no matter what, but that is another good filter for me.

Personally it's difficult as my playtime is the weekends and a lot of single dad's have their kids at the weekends, so It makes us incompatible pretty quickly.

I think this is why I choose hothusbands as partners or single men with no or grown up kids as they fit into my lifestyle better

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By *ewrocksWoman over a year ago

button moon

I've spoken to guys who were going to blow off having their kids for the weekend to meet. Nah, their kids should be top priority. Yes it'll take longer, and meets wouldn't be as regular, but thats part of being a parent.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I share the responsibility with my daughters mum. So first week of easter holidays I had her at mine.

So with that I was quiet from fab until later on in the night. As I'd rather spend that time doing things then looking at vaginas and boobs. I won't ever put sex before that time..

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

If I get involved with a guy who had kids, I 100% expect his kids to come before me. In fact I would lose respect for him if they didn't. And I say this as someone without children who has no intention of having any.

I definitely know this is a thing unfortunately as my dad has spoken about it being an issue for him with dating. Though on the flip side, as much as women seem to get more understanding when it comes to children, my mum got with her partner when me and my brother were still at home and it was quite obvious he would rather we weren't in the picture and he's created tension about things like my brother inviting our dad and dad's family to big events like his engagement party. I personally think any of this behaviour is really shitty. If I date someone with kids, the kids come first and the other parent is very likely to be in the picture to some degree for the rest of their life. If someone can't handle that they shouldn't date people with children in my opinion.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Try being on the other side of it and being told by a lady that you need to cancel all plans with your little because she wants to book holiday for 4 (me, her, her 2 kids) 2 things started a blazing break up.

1: To take mine with us would cost more money.

2: She had no interest in taking toddling baggage with us cos it would "ruin her holiday"

Do i pick the wrong women... Or is this the standard model when men have kids to take care of.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

I once had a guy tell me he didn't arrange time with his kids at the weekend because that was his time to see me. He actually believed I would be over the moon to hear him tell me I was the reason his kids did not see their father!

I think not, sunshine!

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By *tephTV67TV/TS over a year ago

Cheshire

My kids are playing Minecraft currently, they’re waiting for Mum to arrive and pick them up. I collected them on Friday.

The weekend has been about them, admittedly they’re at an age where I can take them to the park and let them run wild, whilst I watched the football on my phone. I hasten to add it’s an enclosed park so they can’t run off anywhere

Last night as I was watching a film they wanted to go out at 8pm with their head torches to play a game they’d invented. I was tired and a bit grumpy and it was raining a little bit..however 15 minutes later I’m in the park as they’re running around searching for their toys they’d hidden from each other.

Next weekend I’ll be on my own again, no hugs out of nowhere (my youngest will just appear and hug me) or them bouncing up and down because they’ve found, lost or broken something. No endless making two different meals for them as they’re both fussy eaters. I’ll have peace and quiet...and I’ll miss them terribly

No one will ever get in the way of me and my lads, it’s a no brainier, they obviously come first

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By *edeWoman over a year ago

the abyss

I can't really comment on bringing a man into my sons life as I was essentially a born again nun until my son was 15. It was a choice I made due to not wanting to unsettle him with a man potentially not being around longterm.

On the point of being in a single father's life - I have been and would always make sure that he had time with the kids with out me around along with one on one time with each (he had three) while I looked after the others.

Being otherwise doesn't make sense to me but I know many people want a relationship where they are the 'main focus'. I would say to anyone that feels that way shouldn't get involved with a single parent

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

In general terms, single parents absolutely do get treated differently according to gender.

Single dads are seen as being gentle, caring and get ‘aw, isn’t he so sweet’. Single mums are seen as just doing their duty and what’s expected of them.

In terms of arranging meets around kids, I think that the children should always come first but at the same time, I think that parents need time to be themselves and not just baby caring machines.

It’s not just a good/bad dichotomy and there are many nuances and complexities to this.

A person can care for their children and have them as their priority, whilst also meeting people.

Without getting into specifics, I wouldn’t tell another parent how to look after their child, nor what their priorities ‘should’ be. So long as the child is loved, looked after and cared for, then it’s none of anyone’s business nor what their priorities might look like to casual observers

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By *ewrocksWoman over a year ago

button moon

"Try being on the other side of it and being told by a lady that you need to cancel all plans with your little because she wants to book holiday for 4 (me, her, her 2 kids) 2 things started a blazing break up.

1: To take mine with us would cost more money.

2: She had no interest in taking toddling baggage with us cos it would "ruin her holiday"

Do i pick the wrong women... Or is this the standard model when men have kids to take care of. "

Wrong women.

Thats fucked up.

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

1: To take mine with us would cost more money.

2: She had no interest in taking toddling baggage with us cos it would "ruin her holiday"

Do i pick the wrong women... Or is this the standard model when men have kids to take care of. "

You know I think wrong women.

As, I believe, evidenced in my OP....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I can’t comment as the reason I’ve been single so long is because I didn’t want to bring anyone into my child’s life. She comes first - I didn’t want to share myself.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

1: To take mine with us would cost more money.

2: She had no interest in taking toddling baggage with us cos it would "ruin her holiday"

Do i pick the wrong women... Or is this the standard model when men have kids to take care of.

Wrong women.

Thats fucked up. "

Thats the tip of a very nasty iceberg.

Not been many but they have been SERIOUSLY fucked up.

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By *arol321Woman over a year ago

Poole

1: To take mine with us would cost more money.

2: She had no interest in taking toddling baggage with us cos it would "ruin her holiday"

Do i pick the wrong women... Or is this the standard model when men have kids to take care of. "

You pick the wrong women. Without a doubt. Anyone who doesn’t get that your kids come first is not worth a second of your time.

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By *rivateparts!Man over a year ago

Walking down the only road I've ever known!

My kids always come first as frustrating as it can be at times, they always do.

I respect the wishes of single mothers too and unless the relationship between fwb changes into more than just sex, then neither will ever meet the other.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

The last 3 years have become complete single parenting. 100% me. No backup, no real support network. A constant headache in running things to be sure he's fully cared for, warm, safe, looked after. I play around here for the virtual fun, the forums, chat rooms, pretty pictures and sense of community. I've also been called a timewaster because I can't and won't leave him to travel and wont palm him off out somewhere to accommodate. (Obviously we can't and I won't due to circumstances regardless) but if this were different and meets were still on.... Thats the end result I would have got. But the flip side is I'm fully expected to tailor to the ladies wants, needs and requirements.

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By *affron40Woman over a year ago

manchester

Dating a single parent is not something for divas or self centred folk. It’s tough!!

I dated and married one and yes they were the main focus of our life outside of work. They still are.

That left very little time for us, we couldn’t just do whatever we wanted. But that was what we signed up for.

Kids should come first to every parent, male or female. If you’re lucky you’ll be blessed with a friendship as close as mine for life. It’s unbelievably rewarding to be part of any child’s life because they choose you.

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By *eavenscentitCouple over a year ago

barnstaple

I lived like a nun for several years until my youngest was 18. I didn't want different men in their lives. My ex used to avoid being a Father and, has put the women first. Both his long term partners with no children seemed to think it was ok.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

I think some folks may say that's been their experiences to gain the sympathy/compassionate/empathic response of outrage and shock hoping for it to follow with "I'll show you not all women are like that" then boom, target struck.

For others, that will have been their experience.

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By *toC Thats MeWoman over a year ago

Sheffield

I’ve been a sole parent for 3 years now and it’s incredibly tough at times you don’t have that shared role and have to both roles all by yourself. Not really delved into the dating game as I just don’t have the free time. I have however found a lot of guys on here just presume that you’ll want to have them round while the kids are in bed and that will never happen. Interested to read others perceptive on things.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

I frequently got told, not asked, but told by men in my inbox to "put the kid to bed and we can be quiet" when I informed them I wasn't coming out and they were not coming to my house as my son was here.

They always assumed he was a small one. I took pleasure in telling them he'd likely kick their arse for being so damn disrespectful.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

1: To take mine with us would cost more money.

2: She had no interest in taking toddling baggage with us cos it would "ruin her holiday"

Do i pick the wrong women... Or is this the standard model when men have kids to take care of. "

It seemed to be standard double standards from my experience.

Walked out of two relationships with other single parents because they seemed to think I should prioritise their situation over mine.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I’ve been a sole parent for 3 years now and it’s incredibly tough at times you don’t have that shared role and have to both roles all by yourself. Not really delved into the dating game as I just don’t have the free time. I have however found a lot of guys on here just presume that you’ll want to have them round while the kids are in bed and that will never happen. Interested to read others perceptive on things. "

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

I hate it that when the kids are in bed it's presumed that it is automatically playtime

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

Some use their own "loving parent" title as a way of hiding the fact they're not fucking separated and doing the dirty, coz you leave them to parent which gives them actual family time not just parent & child time.

Tis a minefield.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't think it's a double standard as such.

This just feels like a pop at some woman's character

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"I don't think it's a double standard as such.

This just feels like a pop at some woman's character "

It's not at all. This is purely because I don't understand it and was amazed to hear it.

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By *gent SteveMan over a year ago

North Wales, Chester,

I'm a single father to two sons and would never put them aside just to get laid,hence why I have hardly ever met here,the women I have met have been very understanding and if I had a hint of selfishness from one of them I wouldn't have met them

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think it’s a valid question

As a lone parent - I understand

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By *m3232Man over a year ago

maidenhead

Children come first end of story.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Co-parented for 10 years. Exactly 50/50 mid-week and weekends. My time was my time her time was her time. Half my creation, half my responsibilities. Shuffled for compromise on occasion but not ever did I drop my time for something else or someone else. The issues were when my time cut into someone else's EXPECTATIONS and when I wouldn't move on it there was an issue. Its fully expected for me to comply with the requirements of someone else but never 1 thought would be considered for them to move on it. (I've got my son this weekend, but we could do it next weekend..... Absolutely not, i want to do it this weekend so you can change your plans) no 2nd chance, I'm up and gone cos I ain't changing my plans with him cos you want something this weekend.

Been full time single parenting for 3 years and the commitment required increases by 1000% and STILL I'm expected to put these things aside to make room for the needs of the person I'm speaking to, yet the second I say I can't and won't just drop everything or make arrangements (that I actually DON'T have cos my support unit is very small) I'M the one being unreasonable.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

Ultimately a lot of people have been fucked over, and not all of their reactions will be from a nasty entitled place, some of them will be them seeking validation or a sign of some importance in the single parents life. It ain't all about being top dog, sometimes all they may want is compromise as it's an area that lacked in their past. They could have been walked over up until that point.

So many variables.

So many scenarios.

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By *ily WhiteWoman over a year ago

As someone who never, ever wanted my own children, I have to say I'd find it pretty damn strange if someone put me before their kids, be that if they were a single parent or shared custody.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

"Some use their own "loving parent" title as a way of hiding the fact they're not fucking separated and doing the dirty, coz you leave them to parent which gives them actual family time not just parent & child time.

Tis a minefield."

peach... Please tell me you haven't had that experience??

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

Tis a minefield.

peach... Please tell me you haven't had that experience?? "

You aint read my profile have ya

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

Tis a minefield."

Certainly is.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Co-parented for 10 years. Exactly 50/50 mid-week and weekends. My time was my time her time was her time. Half my creation, half my responsibilities. Shuffled for compromise on occasion but not ever did I drop my time for something else or someone else. The issues were when my time cut into someone else's EXPECTATIONS and when I wouldn't move on it there was an issue. Its fully expected for me to comply with the requirements of someone else but never 1 thought would be considered for them to move on it. (I've got my son this weekend, but we could do it next weekend..... Absolutely not, i want to do it this weekend so you can change your plans) no 2nd chance, I'm up and gone cos I ain't changing my plans with him cos you want something this weekend.

Now that is definitely a pop at someone in particular

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Now that is definitely a pop at someone in particular

Well YEAH. what d'you think I'm just fabricating these incidents in my head??? It's from EXPERIENCES

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

Now that is definitely a pop at someone in particular

Unless it's you, why do you care?

People are sharing their experiences when dating either as a single parent or dating a single parent, that's going to include individual people.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Tis a minefield.

peach... Please tell me you haven't had that experience??

You aint read my profile have ya "

I hadn't.. But I m going to now...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I can’t comment as the reason I’ve been single so long is because I didn’t want to bring anyone into my child’s life. She comes first - I didn’t want to share myself.

It's not the main reason for me staying single but it plays a huge factor.

I'm not a nun by any standards but I'm pretty dead set on not having people around when my daughter is home. Even if she's asleep the last thing I'd want is for her to appear and see a stranger in her home.

I also don't arrange meets then get a sitter, if I know she's going to her Gran's for the weekend or she'll be away then I'll plan things around that.

But childcare falls through and so do plans - some guys get really annoyed and pushy about coming round anyway. It's a huge turn off and I tend to cut them off if they're like that. Single parenting is hard and having any sort of sex life or dating life can make it even harder but she will always be put first regardless.

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By *eorge JetsonMan over a year ago

Middlesbrough

Now that is definitely a pop at someone in particular

Unless it's you, why do you care?

People are sharing their experiences when dating either as a single parent or dating a single parent, that's going to include individual people. "

Thankyou. Common sense at last. x

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By *otSoPosh OP Woman over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

Now that is definitely a pop at someone in particular

Unless it's you, why do you care?

People are sharing their experiences when dating either as a single parent or dating a single parent, that's going to include individual people. "

Exactly Evie.

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By *tephTV67TV/TS over a year ago

Cheshire

Since my divorce in 2016 I’ve dated three different women, only one was childless. In all cases, maybe because they’re all around my age, it’s never been a problem.

They’ve all understood that my lads come first but generally any plans made can be kept. Very rarely in the last few years has my ex suddenly needed me to change weekends or other plans.

Maybe I’ve been lucky, but in general I’ve found potential partners to be quite understanding.

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By *ittleAcornMan over a year ago

visiting the beach

I would always expect someone to put their kids before me. In fact I would be suspicious of someone that didn't!

Obviously at times that might be irritating if something was planned, and a "kid based emergency" occurred.

But that's the nature of having children. I'd not get shitty about it.

As they get older you get back a bit more flexibility and freedom, but they are always there.

I had to drop everything to look after my grandson last year, when my daughter went into hospital.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If they're like that are they really worth getting stressed about though?

Sounds like your little person is your whole world. That's all that matters.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

Thinking. Being unwilling to change plans or dates would actually be a red flag for me.

Myself and my sons dad lived 150 miles apart. We didn't remain great friends but defo didn't and don't hate each other. If one of us had something come up we'd switch things up, no biggie.

It concerns me when people aren't prepared to, for the sole reason it indicates to me personally that the split may have been a bad one and there's no way of knowing if you're being told the truth that their ex is the monster they portray (like the dude who was the actual abuser told me his ex was) or not.

Back in that minefield.

Of course it could mean nothing more than the parents stick to routine or whatnot, but past experiences make our ears prick up.

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By *uke olovingmanMan over a year ago

Gravesend

Kids first .. always

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By * Sophie xTV/TS over a year ago

Derby

If I was to meet anyone with kids then I would expect to do things around when they had the kids, they're called dependants for a reason and that is that they are dependant on their parents so I come in second place to them and that is how my parents did things with me when I was a child.

At times you may even be introduced to those kids and that to me is quite an honour too as you're being let in to your partners life more deeply, enjoy it for what it is as you're also a big part of your partners life if that is the case.

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By *rder66Man over a year ago

Tatooine

As a full time single father, I don't have have a day without my child, her mother has not been on the scene for about 8 years, my child is turning 10 soon.

1) I work damed hard and always put my childs need first and I'm a fantastic parent. My child is very inteligent, creative and we discuss things, I don't dictate.

2) My daughter will always come first and have always and will always maintain this and anybody coming into our lives would have to understand this.

3) I'm certainly not looking for a mother figure for my daughter, she has good females to luck up to in iher grandmother and autie and cousin.

I have met who have not been interested because I'm a single parent and they want all my attention which I can't give.

The fact that I'm a full time father to a daughter, I have had women telling me they don't want to be someone mother, I need someone to be her mother.

I have have women that seen digusted and look at me with distrust because I'm a single father of a girl, I haven't buried the body of my ex-wife under the floor boards for fuck sake.

I even had a women tell me she would be uncomfortable that my daughter was bi-racial, then bye, don't let door hit your arse on the way out.

I would give up my life for my daughter.

I'm now at the stage, as my child get a bit older, where I feel I can look at having reltionships again and I do deserve to have a life as well.

Any woman coming into our live would come in as my friend first until my daughter felt comfortable with her and I have completey forgot the question...

I don't make any aopologies for puting my daughter first and never will, any woman who can't understand that is not worth breathing the same air as my daughter.

Sorry about the rant.

I bet the little interest I had on this site has diminished even more now, oh well.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Both of us our single parents to our kids which may make it easier as we both appreciate that the children come first.

Though I'd always expect that and a person that didnt respect that my role as care giver came first wouldn't work out. Children grow up and move out but in the meantime they are the parents responsibility.

I can understand people not wanting to date single parents because of this but it should be a given that the children will be the priority

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"As a full time single father, I don't have have a day without my child, her mother has not been on the scene for about 8 years, my child is turning 10 soon.

1) I work damed hard and always put my childs need first and I'm a fantastic parent. My child is very inteligent, creative and we discuss things, I don't dictate.

2) My daughter will always come first and have always and will always maintain this and anybody coming into our lives would have to understand this.

3) I'm certainly not looking for a mother figure for my daughter, she has good females to luck up to in iher grandmother and autie and cousin.

I have met who have not been interested because I'm a single parent and they want all my attention which I can't give.

The fact that I'm a full time father to a daughter, I have had women telling me they don't want to be someone mother, I need someone to be her mother.

I have have women that seen digusted and look at me with distrust because I'm a single father of a girl, I haven't buried the body of my ex-wife under the floor boards for fuck sake.

I even had a women tell me she would be uncomfortable that my daughter was bi-racial, then bye, don't let door hit your arse on the way out.

I would give up my life for my daughter.

I'm now at the stage, as my child get a bit older, where I feel I can look at having reltionships again and I do deserve to have a life as well.

Any woman coming into our live would come in as my friend first until my daughter felt comfortable with her and I have completey forgot the question...

I don't make any aopologies for puting my daughter first and never will, any woman who can't understand that is not worth breathing the same air as my daughter.

Sorry about the rant.

I bet the little interest I had on this site has diminished even more now, oh well.

I think you sound awesome.

If their interest has diminished they're not worth worrying about.