FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Poke the bear then dislike the bear
Poke the bear then dislike the bear
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I find myself in an increasingly frustrating situation where someone is constantly doing or saying things to push my buttons to agitate me, which make me react, then complaining that I’ve reacted because they don’t like the reaction.
Poke bear
Get bear
Complain that now have bear to deal with
Blame and berate bear for being bear
Continue to poke bear
I don’t know how to break the cycle.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Any advice for a worn out, emotional and upset bear? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find myself in an increasingly frustrating situation where someone is constantly doing or saying things to push my buttons to agitate me, which make me react, then complaining that I’ve reacted because they don’t like the reaction.
Poke bear
Get bear
Complain that now have bear to deal with
Blame and berate bear for being bear
Continue to poke bear
I don’t know how to break the cycle.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Any advice for a worn out, emotional and upset bear? "
no reaction is usually the best |
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I suppose it depends on how well you know/are attached to the perpetrator OP?
Some folk just like winding other people up for their own personal satisfaction. A few of my mates know which buttons to press in that respect, but I know it's all in good jest, if not, they're given short shrift in no uncertain manner  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sounds like a lovers tiff lol
If only it were and I can’t see the OP laughing about it. Perhaps I have missed the joke in her post.
 "
Sorry, why eye roll? Did I miss the joke? |
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"I find myself in an increasingly frustrating situation where someone is constantly doing or saying things to push my buttons to agitate me, which make me react, then complaining that I’ve reacted because they don’t like the reaction.
Poke bear
Get bear
Complain that now have bear to deal with
Blame and berate bear for being bear
Continue to poke bear
I don’t know how to break the cycle.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Any advice for a worn out, emotional and upset bear? "
Stop being the bear |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hahaha my son does this! He knows my buttons, will push them and hates the reaction (blames me)!
It's easy to deal with though ... once you've acknowledged the other person does this then it's easier to just not react. BUT if you feel you're going to then just either straight up ask them to leave or state that you don't like/appreciate what they are doing and then ask them to leave!!! It really is that simple and am glad to say that my son doesn't do it any more because he's had to face his behaviour rather than blame me! We have a rather lovely relationship now ...
Only happens face to face ... if it's a reaction to written or text etc then unfortunately it's more about the receiver not the sender I'm afraid |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Avoid them. If you can't then try and ignore them. They do it for the reaction.
It's a form of emotional abuse.
Poke poke poke
Angry reaction
"Why so angry? Look everyone, she is crazy, she got angry over nothing."
The other people only ever see the reaction and not the poking.
Hope you are ok OP. X |
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The situation sounds unbearable, is the other person a friend or someone you bearely know ?
Make yourself a nice marmalade sandwich to try to relax if you feel yourself about to react to being poked.
Good luck in getting it sorted  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Avoid them. If you can't then try and ignore them. They do it for the reaction.
It's a form of emotional abuse.
Poke poke poke
Angry reaction
"Why so angry? Look everyone, she is crazy, she got angry over nothing."
The other people only ever see the reaction and not the poking.
Hope you are ok OP. X"
Sadly I think that’s what’s happening here |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Avoid them. If you can't then try and ignore them. They do it for the reaction.
It's a form of emotional abuse.
Poke poke poke
Angry reaction
"Why so angry? Look everyone, she is crazy, she got angry over nothing."
The other people only ever see the reaction and not the poking.
Hope you are ok OP. X
Sadly I think that’s what’s happening here "
then that is a sad thing to see |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If they are someone you love, ask them why they are trying to make you feel agitated and explain that it's not a nice feeling. If they don't empathise with that, they probably don't deserve you!
If they are your child, well, sadly that's just kids for you lol
If they're not someone you love, just don't see then again! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for your input everyone.
It’s some one I’m close to. I’m going to point it out and see where we get. But I think it’s a sign that our friendship has reached the end of the road. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for your input everyone.
It’s some one I’m close to. I’m going to point it out and see where we get. But I think it’s a sign that our friendship has reached the end of the road. "
good luck friendships are hard to manage some times hope it goes well |
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I had this with an ex. After we split up we didn't speak for a couple of years but then got back in touch and became friends. This went on for about 5 years but he started to increasingly do this sort of thing. He did the same to my best friend so I think it's just the way he is. Maybe it makes him feel powerful to poke people's sore spots. He knew exactly what my insecurities were as we were together for a few years and he knew my best friend well too as we all grew up together. She used to have an eating disorder and he would make jokes about her weight or what she was eating. It's beyond cruel and not the way you treat people you're supposed to care about. I distanced myself from him as much as possible a few years ago as I realised that any time I spent with him I came away feeling worse about myself. Unfortunately some of my friends are still friendly with him so I still have to see him socially on occasion. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had this with an ex. After we split up we didn't speak for a couple of years but then got back in touch and became friends. This went on for about 5 years but he started to increasingly do this sort of thing. He did the same to my best friend so I think it's just the way he is. Maybe it makes him feel powerful to poke people's sore spots. He knew exactly what my insecurities were as we were together for a few years and he knew my best friend well too as we all grew up together. She used to have an eating disorder and he would make jokes about her weight or what she was eating. It's beyond cruel and not the way you treat people you're supposed to care about. I distanced myself from him as much as possible a few years ago as I realised that any time I spent with him I came away feeling worse about myself. Unfortunately some of my friends are still friendly with him so I still have to see him socially on occasion. "
This has been something that’s happened I occasionally in the past but is happening a lot lately. At the same time there’s a big focus on how he really does not like the bear. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Because sometimes people take great pleasure in another's discomfort/upset. Not sure why. It makes them feel powerful? Better than others because they can cause a reaction in them?
It doesn't make them better, it just makes them a bit of an immature dick with a need to feel like they matter. Distancing yourself (if speaking to them and explaining, relationship dependent, doesn't work) is the best thing to do. |
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"Avoid them. If you can't then try and ignore them. They do it for the reaction.
It's a form of emotional abuse.
Poke poke poke
Angry reaction
"Why so angry? Look everyone, she is crazy, she got angry over nothing."
The other people only ever see the reaction and not the poking.
Hope you are ok OP. X"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bear eats prey. The end 
I would just tell your friend politely are they mentally stupid to keep playing with fire and not expect to get burnt .
Tell them you find their behaviour abhorrent with this cycle and if they can’t stop themselves with the poking ,then you will stop it from happening in first place by jogging their friendship off.
No time for toxic / incompatible friendships in life
They will have to make a choice . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bear eats prey. The end
I would just tell your friend politely are they mentally stupid to keep playing with fire and not expect to get burnt .
Tell them you find their behaviour abhorrent with this cycle and if they can’t stop themselves with the poking ,then you will stop it from happening in first place by jogging their friendship off.
No time for toxic / incompatible friendships in life
They will have to make a choice . "
If it's happening repeatedly, then I think it's the op that has to make the choice. |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
There are 2 people in this relationship ... it could be that you can do something to break the cycle.
So let’s assume this isn’t an otherwise abusive relationship and is a relationship worth fixing (else ignore)
Reacting the way you do could be seen as wrong as the person persisting in pushing buttons. Imagine the post written by the other person. It may go something like “I’m desperate for this person’s attention but all she does is snap at me”.
So if YOU were trying to break the cycle (because you wanted the relationship to survive) then you could try to change how you react. Similarly to “stop feeding the trolls” you could see the button pushing coming and refuse to engage, cage the bear and release the bunny rabbit. You may find out why the button pushing is happening. You may also find out that the bears reaction is equally responsible for the spiral.
V x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm. "
I let as much go as I possibly can, but some stuff just isn’t ok. I’m constantly working on being a better person and reflect on things all the time to see if I can learn from them and do better next time. But no one can just take hurtful behaviour and smile and let it go every time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm.
I let as much go as I possibly can, but some stuff just isn’t ok. I’m constantly working on being a better person and reflect on things all the time to see if I can learn from them and do better next time. But no one can just take hurtful behaviour and smile and let it go every time. "
hurtful as in abusive or in other ways? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex made this her hobby, even after talking about it she didn't ease up. Combined with regular criticism, an unquenchable need to be in control and her narcissism the only way to stop it was breaking up. Not an easy decision when kids are involved. Cut them out OP, it's the only way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think in this situation you need honesty with yourself and the person making you feel this way.
Simply explain how you view it, feel it and experience it. Ask them if they realise they do it, and explain you both need and want it to stop.
Often many people feel the need to do things they don’t fully understand so they may not realise what they’re doing, any sensitivities on either side or the impact of that.
Hopefully a frank conversation helps, and if they’re oblivious or choose not to respond how you think is fair, I’d cut that person out of your life if it genuinely really gets you down or makes you feel negative overall. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm.
I let as much go as I possibly can, but some stuff just isn’t ok. I’m constantly working on being a better person and reflect on things all the time to see if I can learn from them and do better next time. But no one can just take hurtful behaviour and smile and let it go every time. "
Then, it depends on the relationship. If it is a family member, it’s something that needs to be brought forward, discussed and worked out. Stay as calm as possible, but always keep family close.
If, however, it is a partner or a friend, I’d start to think about doing a bit of social laundry. You don’t deserve to be emotionally abused, so calmly and without aggression, remove the person from your life (I recently did the same thing). That, in itself, is a change in your own behaviour. You are taking control of the situation and protecting yourself. That is empowering, and you will feel stronger as a person, going forward. |
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Has it always been like this? I know of many relationships where the dynamic has been disrupted due to lockdown. A lot of people are feeling stressed about life and that stress can be misdirected at people we are close to. However, being stressed isn’t an excuse to be an arsehole, and they do need to change their behaviour but may not be aware of the impact they are having on you. Talk to them and if they acknowledge this you might have a chance, if they use it as an excuse to poke further then they are best stayed clear of.
Hope you are ok and get it sorted OP. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I had this with an ex. After we split up we didn't speak for a couple of years but then got back in touch and became friends. This went on for about 5 years but he started to increasingly do this sort of thing. He did the same to my best friend so I think it's just the way he is. Maybe it makes him feel powerful to poke people's sore spots. He knew exactly what my insecurities were as we were together for a few years and he knew my best friend well too as we all grew up together. She used to have an eating disorder and he would make jokes about her weight or what she was eating. It's beyond cruel and not the way you treat people you're supposed to care about. I distanced myself from him as much as possible a few years ago as I realised that any time I spent with him I came away feeling worse about myself. Unfortunately some of my friends are still friendly with him so I still have to see him socially on occasion.
This has been something that’s happened I occasionally in the past but is happening a lot lately. At the same time there’s a big focus on how he really does not like the bear. "
This is emotional manipulation and it is an exhausting confusing cycle to be caught in. I empathise. Cutting contact is the best thing to do for your sanity and self-respect. You can DM me if you need a hand hold xx |
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Of course you've tried to change, or course you've self reflected. But.... you could become the carbon copy of what they want.... and you'd still get it wrong.
Bear baiting is a fucking game to some.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Avoid them. If you can't then try and ignore them. They do it for the reaction.
It's a form of emotional abuse.
Poke poke poke
Angry reaction
"Why so angry? Look everyone, she is crazy, she got angry over nothing."
The other people only ever see the reaction and not the poking.
Hope you are ok OP. X"
Exactly this. OP, just cause others can't see the stick doesn't mean it's not jabbing you relentlessly. This is kinda close to home. I think I may be a bear too. Big brave bears may have to simply walk away. I hope it works out for you, and any other bears out there....  |
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm.
I let as much go as I possibly can, but some stuff just isn’t ok. I’m constantly working on being a better person and reflect on things all the time to see if I can learn from them and do better next time. But no one can just take hurtful behaviour and smile and let it go every time. "
In the nicest possible way you shouldn't have smiled and let it go in the first place. A good friend you should be open and honest with. You take the good with the bad. I'd hate to be friends with someone and they thought that of me and never told me
R |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The trouble with this is, the behaviour wears you down, and you start believing what they say, you start questioning yourself, you start losing yourself, and that is a very slippery slope.
Here in dms if you need any support. |
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Agree with them, that really throws them and then they've got no ammunition.
Or just get rid, you don't need "friends" like that.
It's a bit like narcissistic behaviour, to make themselves ok good and you crazy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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alllll the time.. You aren't alone babycakes 
Wooooosaaaaa.
Block on every platform, and continue to be fabulous. Rise above with no reaction, it'll piss them off to see they aren't getting to you.
Px |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's easy to say ignore it. In practice it's very difficult.
You may be able to ignore them but the anger builds up inside and has to come out at some point.
Try to find a safe outlet for the anger. Try not to let an 'innocent person' be on the receiving end when it all gets too much.
Like it builds up and then you snap and shout at someone for just something little and daft. Hope that makes sense. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The trouble with this is, the behaviour wears you down, and you start believing what they say, you start questioning yourself, you start losing yourself, and that is a very slippery slope.
Here in dms if you need any support. "
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"I find myself in an increasingly frustrating situation where someone is constantly doing or saying things to push my buttons to agitate me, which make me react, then complaining that I’ve reacted because they don’t like the reaction.
Poke bear
Get bear
Complain that now have bear to deal with
Blame and berate bear for being bear
Continue to poke bear
I don’t know how to break the cycle.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Any advice for a worn out, emotional and upset bear? "
Sounds as if your in love |
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm. "
Sometimes I can reframe the stick.
"Of course someone like that would do that". Then I can find it funny rather than angering.
It is a bit of a scorched earth exercise, because it comes from a place of utter contempt  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm.
I let as much go as I possibly can, but some stuff just isn’t ok. I’m constantly working on being a better person and reflect on things all the time to see if I can learn from them and do better next time. But no one can just take hurtful behaviour and smile and let it go every time.
In the nicest possible way you shouldn't have smiled and let it go in the first place. A good friend you should be open and honest with. You take the good with the bad. I'd hate to be friends with someone and they thought that of me and never told me
R"
But, that’s the point, isn’t it? Why would a someone continue to be your “friend” if they thought that about you? You aren’t tied to friends, unconditionally. That’s the whole point of friendship - there’s a mutual connection. If that connection starts to corrode, you don’t have to fight to save a sinking ship. Surely that would be a dysfunctional relationship which neither party would be benefiting from. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Block the agitator and poker on all platforms.
Its hard, but you'll feel better for it in the long run. You'll move on from said irritant and wish you did it earlier eventually.
Sending love "
I need to take this advice  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm.
Sometimes I can reframe the stick.
"Of course someone like that would do that". Then I can find it funny rather than angering.
It is a bit of a scorched earth exercise, because it comes from a place of utter contempt "
Right?! Don’t ever be surprised by the actions of other people. That sentence has played a very strong role in my life. |
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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago
Filthy Fuckeryville |
OP you have some great and well thought out replies on this thread, but I am sure you have already noticed that 95% pretty much advise the same course of action.
I hope for your own mental health that you can take the right steps to make yourself happier no matter how hard those steps are.
So far you already have this crowd on here behind you cheering you on |
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"Think about it from a different angle. Look inwardly.
Sure, you can continue to get annoyed and argue about it with the other person in an attempt to get them to change their behaviour. But, there is a way that you can avoid all of that aggression and conflict by just accepting that people can be annoying, and choosing to change your own behaviour and not react to them.
Humility is a difficult skill to master, especially in modern times when ego and individualism is the prominent paradigm.
I let as much go as I possibly can, but some stuff just isn’t ok. I’m constantly working on being a better person and reflect on things all the time to see if I can learn from them and do better next time. But no one can just take hurtful behaviour and smile and let it go every time.
In the nicest possible way you shouldn't have smiled and let it go in the first place. A good friend you should be open and honest with. You take the good with the bad. I'd hate to be friends with someone and they thought that of me and never told me
R
But, that’s the point, isn’t it? Why would a someone continue to be your “friend” if they thought that about you? You aren’t tied to friends, unconditionally. That’s the whole point of friendship - there’s a mutual connection. If that connection starts to corrode, you don’t have to fight to save a sinking ship. Surely that would be a dysfunctional relationship which neither party would be benefiting from."
Yes there has to be mutual connection. Mutual honesty and mutual understanding in any friendship so in the one hand where one is being nasty and not valuing the friendship the other one isn't being honest by not saying the other that they aren't being nice
R |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"OP you have some great and well thought out replies on this thread, but I am sure you have already noticed that 95% pretty much advise the same course of action.
I hope for your own mental health that you can take the right steps to make yourself happier no matter how hard those steps are.
So far you already have this crowd on here behind you cheering you on "
Excellent post. |
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