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Spoiling it
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise. |
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"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise. "
What took your confidence away? Was it sudden weight gain or a bad experience?
Until you learn to love yourself you won't be able to heal yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise.
What took your confidence away? Was it sudden weight gain or a bad experience?
Until you learn to love yourself you won't be able to heal yourself. "
I've put on 2 stone since nursing and losing my mum at Christmas. But I've always had that really destructive dialogue in my head but now its cemented in there and can volley back every compliment. |
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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago
Secret hideaway in the pennines |
"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise. "
believe in yourself, you are a sexy empowered woman, with absolutely stunning eyes, i may add, . Be happy with yourself xx |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
We all come in different shapes and sizes and as much as you probably accept other people people will want to accept you exactly how you are.
Plus there is only one of you and there's far more to what makes up a person than their body size or shape, personality adds lots.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your a beautiful women see that beauty both inner and outer in yourself that others see in you...
I kniw thats easy for me to say, as I'm not in it...as its been said its about being comfortable with yourself, |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From what I see in your pics you look great but I get where you at and I know how it feels I've gained weight since Xmas and I've been feeling down about how I look and feel but it hasn't changed me as a person, I'm still a good person with a huge heart and feck it I've hated my body, I've punished it, I've hurt it but it's my body and if I can't love it for all its bumps and soft bits noone else will. So I've stopped been so hard on myself. I've also realised in the covid year what really matters and who matters and life is too bloody short so girl get your sexy hot ass up and get them negative thoughts by the short and curlys and kick them to the kerb.
Check out Florence Givens book "women don't owe you pretty "
Xx |
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"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise.
What took your confidence away? Was it sudden weight gain or a bad experience?
Until you learn to love yourself you won't be able to heal yourself.
I've put on 2 stone since nursing and losing my mum at Christmas. But I've always had that really destructive dialogue in my head but now its cemented in there and can volley back every compliment. "
Sounds like you've been through a tough time so be kind to yourself. This year has been shit for most people and losing your mum during the lockdown must have been hard.
Take time to listen to how you are feeling and validate it. Tell yourself it's OK to feel those things but that they won't rule you.
Just say thank you to those who pay you compliments. No agreement, not counter argument. Just thank you. It will feel weird at first but get comfortable reading them and accepting them. |
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By *nlyfun3Woman
over a year ago
NEAR Berkhamsted,Herts |
Are you looking at other things negatively? Can you find positives about things. If many things are negative for you you may be clinically depressed and your expressing this by expressing how you feel about your body. If you think you maybe depressed please contact your gp. You may benefit with counselling as it seems like you have had alot to deal with x |
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"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise. "
1. if you don' like it change it
only you can, if it's your body, change your life style to where you want to be but love it 'cos its your vessel for life  you only get one.
confidence wise have you ever heard 'fake it 'til you make it'?
....that's what it means, fake confidence, just put it out there and own it!!
what other people think of you is none of your business, just leave them to it and carry on with YOUR life. How you think of you is!
We're only ever in a race with ourselves. |
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Does your employer subscribe to any sort of employee assistance program as you may be able to access counselling that way. Alternatively look at Able Futures as they offer help with mental health issues including counselling. Both these are quicker than accessing help via your GP |
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It took me losing weight and gaining weight to get a proper perspective on this negative thinking. There are 3 types of women for every plus size. Those who are happy at that size, those losing weight who are overjoyed to be that size, and those gaining weight who find it shameful to be that size.
Is this the biggest you've ever been? When I was ill I went up to a size 28. I got better and lost the weight without trying - to my natural, stable, size 22. With lockdown I've strayed into size 24 for 1 or 2 plus size brands. But rather than beat myself up I remind myself how happy I was to be a 24 when I was losing weight. I felt amazing, not ashamed. So why should I feel ashamed now the direction is going the other way?
Be kind to yourself. You may feel disgustingly fat; but being fat isn't disgusting x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Perhaps try to have small goals to chip away and give yourself positive thoughts when you finish or start a day. It sounds corny for some but it does work for some. If that’s accepting one compliment a day, or changing a meal a day to make it healthier and concentrating on helping reduce weight, getting fresh air or exercise more regularly to break up the four walls, things like that might help you. Even exploring the ‘what if’ scenarios of your low confidence might help you see that you’re reflecting upon things in an extreme way, but in reality you’re a lot better than you’re feeling at the minute.
Particularly if you feel like you’re not sure where to start or feel like it’s all just overwhelming or a bag of shit, so to speak.
Confidence isn’t ever a switch. Do you feel like you have friends / family or any close relationships that you can talk openly to? They might help you rationalise your thoughts and give you some perspective.
And keep your world positive - ditch those that don’t help, question what is helpful, even fab, or friends, whatever, and just try to get back that self ownership. You haven’t got to feel bad for anyone, especially others. Keep your chin up and recognise the positives and have little wins, they can be infectious. |
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"It took me losing weight and gaining weight to get a proper perspective on this negative thinking. There are 3 types of women for every plus size. Those who are happy at that size, those losing weight who are overjoyed to be that size, and those gaining weight who find it shameful to be that size.
Is this the biggest you've ever been? When I was ill I went up to a size 28. I got better and lost the weight without trying - to my natural, stable, size 22. With lockdown I've strayed into size 24 for 1 or 2 plus size brands. But rather than beat myself up I remind myself how happy I was to be a 24 when I was losing weight. I felt amazing, not ashamed. So why should I feel ashamed now the direction is going the other way?
Be kind to yourself. You may feel disgustingly fat; but being fat isn't disgusting x"
God this is so true. Our minds are incredibly weird and wonderful things and we often don’t see what others do. Be kind to yourself OP  |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise. "
There is a methodology where you create a safe/strong place (great for sub drop).
It stops what is an almost stimulus’ negative response behaviour.
Your mind can be your biggest enemy, however, refocused it is your biggest pleasure.
Relax, have fun. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The people who care know how kind , caring and truly lovely you are. We have been chums for a while ans you never fail to make me smile .
I loom forward to that magnificent slice of cake and cupa in your jolly company x and natter like chums should x |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
There's lot of good advice in this thread already so I won't repeat it.
OP, from what I can remember on a previous thread a few weeks ago now, I think you're currently going through a difficult time? If that's not you, apologies!
If it is - be kinder to yourself. You have a lot on. Talk to yourself like you would a friend in your position. x |
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It might be worth a pause on messages or anything that triggered you to hurt. Consider whether grief or other counselling could be a first step. Only allow people who are nurturing and compassionate to be around you for a while too. It's OK to have a little bit of hand holding for a while and as long as you need |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
African proverb
'if there is no enemy inside, the enemies outside can do us no harm'
Pointless to tell that you look good because even though you may appreciate it, it won't change how you feel about yourself. I guess the most effective way is to change the view you have of what is beautiful or not and ultimately the perception you have of yourself. |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
It’s incredibly difficult to get beyond feeling like that, I speak from experience.
Fab can both help and hinder, unfortunately. There isn’t much anyone else can say or do to change the way you feel (in my opinion), it needs to be a change of mindset, accepting yourself and appreciating differences. Once your mindset changes you will probably relax into it a bit more.
These thoughts and feelings are lifelong learnt and can’t change overnight. They can change though.
I think you look great, if you could see you in the way we do, you might feel the same.
I hope you find your way lovely  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some good advice on this thread.. I would like to add that you are not alone in this thought process at the moment.. hopefully as lockdown eases and we start to see people again we will start to feel more relaxed / confident about ourselves and our bodies |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stop judging yourself and don’t take it seriously. If I did that on here it would seriously effect my mental health. Just on here for fun and have a good time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do you want to stop the feeling? Sex with strangers doesn't define who you are. Why not take the pressure off and hide your profile for 6 months.
Who gives a crap what strangers think. They will just piss you off more with their compliments. You don't know if they are serious or just after a shag.
6 months with the pressure off and no need to 'be' someone's wank dream. Just be you.
 xx |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
"Why do you want to stop the feeling? Sex with strangers doesn't define who you are. Why not take the pressure off and hide your profile for 6 months.
Who gives a crap what strangers think. They will just piss you off more with their compliments. You don't know if they are serious or just after a shag.
6 months with the pressure off and no need to 'be' someone's wank dream. Just be you.
xx"
I agree. There’s no point putting yourself out there if you’re not really wanting to be out there. It will just make you miserable. Being pursued for sex when you’re not in the mood for sex just gets super annoying, particularly by folk who just want sex and who don’t give a flying fuck about the person behind the fanny.
Your world could be falling apart and they just want to know if you like anal?
That’s never going to make you feel better. So focus on YOU for a bit.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think there's a few of us who have struggled recently with extra weight.
You're definitely not alone there. The thing is though, weight is such a temporary blip if you want it to be. It can be changed. You are beautiful and I'm sure others see that too.
But at the same time, if you're not enjoying it, have a little time out. Find yourself again and make the changes, bit by bit.
I have just started to lose my extra weight. I've had a blip recently due to a stressful situation but I'm trying to get back on track.
It's not easy, and by the sounds of what you've said, you've been through a lot lately.
Take time out, find YOU again and then I'm sure you'll feel more confident.
I'm a fan anyway, you look lovely xx |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Your reflection lies to you.
You won’t see what others see, only what you want to see which more often than not is what you view as your negative traits.
Self love and acceptance are key to a healthy and happy life.
Fuck everyone else and live for you!
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"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise. "
The longest journey starts with one small step, I think you're trying to get to the destination (filthy talks, meets, etc) immediately and to soon.
Start with normal chats and then maybe a bit of flirting and progress slowly.
If the guy wants to go straight to inbetweeners style "I want to f..k you're f..king fanny off, you twat" talk he's maybe not the kind of guy you need to get your confidence back.
Good luck  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sending hugs OP. All I can suggest is being kind to yourself and remember that it is extremely unlikely that other people will view you in the negative light that you view yourself. We are our own worst enemy.
I understand it is easier said than done, but maybe look at ways you can start to improve how you feel about yourself? And maybe as Outsider said, taking a little break and hiding your profile is a good idea if you're struggling at the moment.
Your body does not define your worth. And you're a very beautiful woman from what I have seen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe stop seeking things from others and start believing in yourself..my motto: only 2 things in life we have control over 1 what we put in our bodies 2 what we think of ourselves....everything else we have no control over it so why worry about it... |
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"I am spoiling this place for myself.
Every time someone compliments me, sets up a future meet, dirty talk just anything my confidence talks me out of it.
I have this inner dialogue that talks me out of anything. Anything at all. I can't even dirty talk anymore because I hate my body, its quite honestly the most hideous its ever been and if anyone even mentions nakedness well that turns me right off. Then someone asked what lingerie I like, I'm like its what ever fits at this point mate, so that ends that. Then they put forward a scenario and I'm like too fat for that, no way, fucking hell not in daylight. Not even joking, wish I was joking.
I think I need to set up a place where underconfident people can meet in dark rooms and its understood when I brush their hands off my fat thighs and stomach without being offensive.
I'm literally ruining every conversation for myself.
How can I stop this? How do you heal confidence? Literally never been so bad confidence wise. "
If you're trying to build your confidence in a foundation of sex with casual partners and all that entails you'll be building on shifting sand.
Don't measure your worth in numbers of men who want to have sex with you or through the lens of men's eyes. Measure your worth in *your* achievements, the things you've done, your good qualities. Start with one thing and build on it. |
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I agree with those who are suggesting counselling. I lost my father last September and am still struggling.
All three are inner thoughts so even if the whole site told you you were gorgeous it is unlikely to have much of an impact.
I recommend leaving this site for a while and look into getting counselling. EAP was a great shout. Cognitive behavioural therapy is great for challenging and changing thought processes but you may need grief counselling first.
Best of luck to you. This is not an easy battle but well worth taking on. Then come back and shine like the goddess you are. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's very difficult.
I'm a short guy. All the time people would tell me I couldn't do something because I was too short.
I just stopped listening to them and drove myself on to prove them wrong.
A lot of the time we have the wrong people around us, talking to us instead of encouraging you to feel better.
These people you need to reduce contact with or remove completely.
May make you unpopular at first but you above everyone else comes first.
Let them bother and shower others with negative energy.
No one, and I mean no one on this site is perfect. Regardless of what they may think.
Learn to love who you are, learn to ignore others.
Don't change a thing about you.
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Get a notepad and write things you do in it each day.
Anything and everything you achieve from did the washing up to started a thread to see how I could improve my confidence.
You'll see how they soon mount up, and may surprise yourself how much you do each day without realising.
When you see it written down, it's confirmation that these things are real, they exist, and you did them. That alone can give you a confidence boost because you see yourself as more than your reflection.
Seeing things you achieve on a daily basis can also give you the confidence to try things that might not be so easy and natural, including giving yourself credit. |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
I'm sorry I cannot add much to this other than to say I know exactly how you feel. My inner voices start having a committee meeting as soon as a compliment rolls in.
There is some great advice on this thread but I also know how hard it is to follow it even if it is the advice you yourself would give a friend.
So failing that, all I can offer is and ear if you should wish to talk when you are feeling self-conscious, low, or maybe talking yourself out of something you really want to do. Sometimes talking can help |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Get a notepad and write things you do in it each day.
Anything and everything you achieve from did the washing up to started a thread to see how I could improve my confidence.
You'll see how they soon mount up, and may surprise yourself how much you do each day without realising.
When you see it written down, it's confirmation that these things are real, they exist, and you did them. That alone can give you a confidence boost because you see yourself as more than your reflection.
Seeing things you achieve on a daily basis can also give you the confidence to try things that might not be so easy and natural, including giving yourself credit. "
I like this. |
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Your pics and vids show one very sexy lady mmmm
Sounds like it doesn’t matter so much me or anybody else saying that you yourself have to feel the confidence.
Time and perspective can help. Also hopefully as things get back to some normality you can get back to doing things you like and enjoy meeting friends, going out etc. which should all help. |
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