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Do People Change?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x"
This response may surprise some people because I'm a genial chap on the whole, but there are no second chances here.
I have been accused of being a cold fish on more than one occasion and having the ability to switch emotions / feelings on and off at will.
That isn't the case, because in the present the emotions related to losing a friend remain raw, but in the long term they fade.
And I forget very little.
Any friendship I offer is built on mutual trust, loyalty, understanding and affection and an acceptance of that person warts and all.
Test any of those and I will make you aware that I'm unhappy.
Break any of those and as much as it might hurt me to do so at that time, it's goodnight and good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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She wants to meet up, shes invited me to stay at hers,
if its superficial online stuff thats ok, but i think im like Bussy, feel deeply and dont really do second chances, i suppose im just questioning my own harshness. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She wants to meet up, shes invited me to stay at hers,
if its superficial online stuff thats ok, but i think im like Bussy, feel deeply and dont really do second chances, i suppose im just questioning my own harshness. x"
Just don't rush hastily into anything. Stopping over is a bit sudden after not knowing her for years. I'd keep it at a coffee at the cafe level for a while until you're sure what you're dealing with.
Wolf
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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago
North of The Wall - youll need your vest |
One reason I dont do Facebook....if I didnt like them enough to want to stay in touch with them for the last 15 years, why would I want to be best buddies with them now? |
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"One reason I dont do Facebook....if I didnt like them enough to want to stay in touch with them for the last 15 years, why would I want to be best buddies with them now?"
Me too.
I was badly bullied at school and if I ever bump into people they have conveniently forgotten the hells they put me through - or worse they remember as an anecdote things that were very hurtful.
Only one of my old schoolfriends has ever recognized the grief it caused me, and from talking it out it was clear that she joined in with the mob to avoid being the target herself - if I'd had that option at the time I would probably have taken it!
Give her a little time, it is healthy to forgive and let go. But we learn from experience so to forget it is unwise. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One reason I dont do Facebook....if I didnt like them enough to want to stay in touch with them for the last 15 years, why would I want to be best buddies with them now?"
I agree
I also find it a bit odd that after 15 years someone would decide they want to me mates again |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
There are two questions here : One is about Facebook and the 15 year gap, the other about giving somebody a second chance. I would be curious to find out why she wants to pick up the friendship, maybe it is a genuine attempt to rekindle something, maybe it is a curiosity about what became of you... either way ok.
The other issue is about giving a second chance - depending on what has happened in the past I personally would give people a second chance if I felt they are genuine. I dont hold grudges  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x"
Some change others don't it's very dependent on the individual. The only way you will find out for sure is to spend time with them. What you have to work out is if it's worth the time trying to find out and how you will feel if you do invest time in them and they haven't. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I think everybody has the capacity to change; the saying that the leopard does not change its spots is, in my experience, not entirely true. Some character traits are dominant and may remain but attitudes and actions and behaviours can improve with insight and experience. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've heard said that 'whatever we are in out youth, we are moreso when older'
That might be bollocks of course 
If you dont need her in your life why take the risk? I don't like so called friends that make ya on yer guard all the time, what's the point? lifes too short surround yourself with the gooduns, feck the rest |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think everybody has the capacity to change; the saying that the leopard does not change its spots is, in my experience, not entirely true. Some character traits are dominant and may remain but attitudes and actions and behaviours can improve with insight and experience. "
I agree everybody has the capacity - just a lot need the motivation!!
It's amazing just how many folk today would be so much nicer had someone taken them to one side when younger - and either had a meaningful word - or given them a bloody great kick up the arse!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've heard said that 'whatever we are in out youth, we are moreso when older'
That might be bollocks of course
If you dont need her in your life why take the risk? I don't like so called friends that make ya on yer guard all the time, what's the point? lifes too short surround yourself with the gooduns, feck the rest "
I think that people can change, but if I was in your situation I would keep her at arm's length. Seems odd she now wants to get in touch, why not before? If you'd wanted to keep in touch you would have done... X |
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"Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x"
If you wernt that keen on her then,then I wouldnt bother.!! |
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"I've heard said that 'whatever we are in out youth, we are moreso when older'
That might be bollocks of course
If you dont need her in your life why take the risk? I don't like so called friends that make ya on yer guard all the time, what's the point? lifes too short surround yourself with the gooduns, feck the rest
I think that people can change, but if I was in your situation I would keep her at arm's length. Seems odd she now wants to get in touch, why not before? If you'd wanted to keep in touch you would have done... X"
Thats facefuck for you!! Why are people friends with people they dont talk to?! I wouldnt bother,shes prob just wanting to have a nosy into your life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i have changed over the years !!! I have gone from being a good looking hunk to a silly old codger thats what time does to you lol . Funny though the mrs is the opposite if i punched above my weight when we meet i off the scale now lol  |
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"Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x"
Hi Kate,
This'll be a bit long winded - but the question really took my interest.
The first thought in my head came from the question,'Do people change?'. Of course people change. Not always for the better but certainly not any worse.
Anyone who says they are the same person as they were fifteen years ago is deluded.
When I hear throw away comments like, 'I'm still the same person I was twenty years ago.' I think - How Sad.... you've done fuck all, learned nothing and are an eternal bloody pupae, unable to progress past adolescence.
I peeked at your profile and you are 46. So you must have known her when you were 31. Are you exactly the same as you were then? Or have you developed the confidence to play things your way?
The simple fact that you are asking makes me think that you have a sneaking interest in meeting her.
I'm also interested in that you say you got on with her on a superficial level but found her too shallow to have as a friend so you distanced yourself. Is everyone in your life a 'friend' in the true sense of the word ? Is no one an acquaintance ? a freind of a friend ? just good company ? an interesting stranger ?
Why do you have to be 'honest' with her? By honesty I'm assuming you mean tell her you found her shallow and two faced and don't want to meet? What's the point in that ? If you really make your mind up not to see her there are plenty of ways of letting her know you are not able or willing to meet without laying the past out on a slab - that is unless there is a score to settle.
The most telling phrase for me in your post is ...... 'when it counted,' She let you down didn't she ? You were fine with her as a person until it backfired on you and she behaved in a way that doesn't fit in with your idea of friendship.
I do believe people change but i'm not saying you MUST rekindle a friendship with her.
If you have a sneaking curiosity - as I would have then- you'd meet her for lunch. Time cap it before you go so that it's not over lengthy. Exchange phone numbers if asked - it's no biggy it doesn't commit you to anything. Treat the whole time as a pleasant fact finding mission. Don't go on about the past at all.
I think what is puzzling me most is the idea that she's getting a second chance - like a husband that left you or had an affair. You don't have to take her on board and have a devoted friendship where she is able to make demands on your time.
It seems to me you don't want to risk taking her on and being hurt or let down. So it comes down to a question of expectations. Expect a fun day, a lunch, a smile or two and a laugh and the pleasure of catching up. Don't expect a lifelong friend with the qualities that measure up to your standards.
What ever that person did all those years ago don't blame the woman that contacted you. If she turns out to be worse at least you had a lunch , made your own decision not to get involved further. You have closure on the event that still hurts and you are not a victim.
She's not even somebody you used to know. Just enjoy finding out.
Gran x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One of my many reasons i dont hav a facebook... All those ppl from the past tracking me down! No thanx... Id still be in touch if i wanted to! Plus who looks at fb... Parents bosses cops... Scary. Someone just got sacked in my work cos of fb... :-/ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One of my many reasons i dont hav a facebook... All those ppl from the past tracking me down! No thanx... Id still be in touch if i wanted to! Plus who looks at fb... Parents bosses cops... Scary. Someone just got sacked in my work cos of fb... :-/"
Surely somebody got sacked because of something they put on Facebook or someone else put on which breached there contract? |
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By *r mrs pCouple
over a year ago
taunton |
"Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x"
mrs p gave me a second chance when i was totally fooked up for a whole year [ long story ] we are now even more in love than ever.some people behave in a stupid way for stupid reasons,give her a chance,what have you to lose apart from some of your time,good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x"
Seems you didn't actually all out, so why not have a catch up for old times sake?
Explain you've a very busy life at the moment, lots going on but you could have a quick catch up over dinner, a drink or a cuppa, then arrange to meet at restaurant, pub or coffee shop.
If all goes well you could arrange another meeting, if not, well life is busy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One of my many reasons i dont hav a facebook... All those ppl from the past tracking me down! No thanx... Id still be in touch if i wanted to! Plus who looks at fb... Parents bosses cops... Scary. Someone just got sacked in my work cos of fb... :-/
Surely somebody got sacked because of something they put on Facebook or someone else put on which breached there contract?"
yes someone posted a partying pic when they were allegedly sick! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x
Seems you didn't actually all out, so why not have a catch up for old times sake?
Explain you've a very busy life at the moment, lots going on but you could have a quick catch up over dinner, a drink or a cuppa, then arrange to meet at restaurant, pub or coffee shop.
If all goes well you could arrange another meeting, if not, well life is busy. "
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People can change, sometimes life experiences and insight give them influences that shifts them towards a new outlook. Obviously, beliefs and behaviours can all change too. Many people are profoundly shifted when they lose someone important in their life, or they get another massively important experience in life, and it makes them re-evaluate what they perceive as important etc, and this can then influence how they'll come across to others, how they'll treat others etc. If you've lost a close friend, parent etc, you've likely been through this sort of experience already. Some get bitter, most of us start to cherish what's really important in life, those who matter etc.
As for meeting up - I'd keep it at phone conversation level, and then a brief meeting, such as an hour or two. Whilst you'll still only brush the surface, you'll be able to get a feel for each other. It's not only your friend who may have changed here. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"
I gave my ex husband more than a second chance.
Some can change, some definatly cant.
"
I agree with you there - there were people in my life whom I gave a second chance and tbh I have not been disappointed. In each case the person had changed for the better - so while I can agree with the statement that an ex is an ex for a reason....I also believe even an ex can change through maturing and recognising where they went wrong. Why would an ex partner be any different in their capacity for change than any other friend, mate or colleague. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I gave someone a second chance and she did the same thing over again.
She has now been out of my life for the last two years and I cannot believe what a difference it has made.
You pick and choose who you want in your life. No-one else.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive just been messaged on facebook, by a woman i knew 15 years ago, she is keen on renewing a friendship.We did get on well on a superficial level , we had a lot in common and had good fun going out etc, but i found her to be shallow and two-faced when it counted,so i distanced myself.Do you think people can change such fundamental parts of their personality? If im honest with her it'll be really mean!Have you ever given someone a second chance and it worked out ok?x
Hi Kate,
This'll be a bit long winded - but the question really took my interest.
The first thought in my head came from the question,'Do people change?'. Of course people change. Not always for the better but certainly not any worse.
Anyone who says they are the same person as they were fifteen years ago is deluded.
When I hear throw away comments like, 'I'm still the same person I was twenty years ago.' I think - How Sad.... you've done fuck all, learned nothing and are an eternal bloody pupae, unable to progress past adolescence.
I peeked at your profile and you are 46. So you must have known her when you were 31. Are you exactly the same as you were then? Or have you developed the confidence to play things your way?
The simple fact that you are asking makes me think that you have a sneaking interest in meeting her.
I'm also interested in that you say you got on with her on a superficial level but found her too shallow to have as a friend so you distanced yourself. Is everyone in your life a 'friend' in the true sense of the word ? Is no one an acquaintance ? a freind of a friend ? just good company ? an interesting stranger ?
Why do you have to be 'honest' with her? By honesty I'm assuming you mean tell her you found her shallow and two faced and don't want to meet? What's the point in that ? If you really make your mind up not to see her there are plenty of ways of letting her know you are not able or willing to meet without laying the past out on a slab - that is unless there is a score to settle.
The most telling phrase for me in your post is ...... 'when it counted,' She let you down didn't she ? You were fine with her as a person until it backfired on you and she behaved in a way that doesn't fit in with your idea of friendship.
I do believe people change but i'm not saying you MUST rekindle a friendship with her.
If you have a sneaking curiosity - as I would have then- you'd meet her for lunch. Time cap it before you go so that it's not over lengthy. Exchange phone numbers if asked - it's no biggy it doesn't commit you to anything. Treat the whole time as a pleasant fact finding mission. Don't go on about the past at all.
I think what is puzzling me most is the idea that she's getting a second chance - like a husband that left you or had an affair. You don't have to take her on board and have a devoted friendship where she is able to make demands on your time.
It seems to me you don't want to risk taking her on and being hurt or let down. So it comes down to a question of expectations. Expect a fun day, a lunch, a smile or two and a laugh and the pleasure of catching up. Don't expect a lifelong friend with the qualities that measure up to your standards.
What ever that person did all those years ago don't blame the woman that contacted you. If she turns out to be worse at least you had a lunch , made your own decision not to get involved further. You have closure on the event that still hurts and you are not a victim.
She's not even somebody you used to know. Just enjoy finding out.
Gran x
"
Excellent answer - could not have put it all better
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"
You pick and choose who you want in your life. No-one else.
"
Absolutely! I am curious though, would that experience with this particualr person stop you from giving other people a second chance? Once bitten kind of stuff? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
You pick and choose who you want in your life. No-one else.
Absolutely! I am curious though, would that experience with this particualr person stop you from giving other people a second chance? Once bitten kind of stuff? "
I think it has. I'm a lot more 'hard-ass' than I used to be. I think it gave me a massive sense of empowerment for the first time ever. |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"
You pick and choose who you want in your life. No-one else.
Absolutely! I am curious though, would that experience with this particualr person stop you from giving other people a second chance? Once bitten kind of stuff?
I think it has. I'm a lot more 'hard-ass' than I used to be. I think it gave me a massive sense of empowerment for the first time ever."
I can see that it would give you empowerment - when somebody betrays or abuses us we tend to feel a bit out of control. Cutting the friendship chord can feel like we are back in control, I guess? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
You pick and choose who you want in your life. No-one else.
Absolutely! I am curious though, would that experience with this particualr person stop you from giving other people a second chance? Once bitten kind of stuff?
I think it has. I'm a lot more 'hard-ass' than I used to be. I think it gave me a massive sense of empowerment for the first time ever. I can see that it would give you empowerment - when somebody betrays or abuses us we tend to feel a bit out of control. Cutting the friendship chord can feel like we are back in control, I guess?"
Most definitely. A hard thing to do, but the best decision that I ever made. |
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"People never change is a fact so unless u had also good times with them deffinetly not worth a second chance What makes you say that - have you had a bad experience? "
I had yes few so now i try to focus on them that been there for me when i needed and it seems to me that people who been nice and went bad they never get back to being nice
But again i dont see the point in getting back in ur life some1 that u didnt like in the 1st place |
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Ive been giving this some thought, truthfully i am unrecognizable to the person i was up until i was 25, not sure if its life experiences, the fact ive naturally mellowed or ive got people in my life that are calming influences. |
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By *r mrs pCouple
over a year ago
taunton |
"People never change is a fact so unless u had also good times with them deffinetly not worth a second chance "
WRONG. mr p used to be the most possesive person alive,now loves watching mrs p having fun with other people,so deffinatly changed dont you think ??????? |
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"People never change is a fact so unless u had also good times with them deffinetly not worth a second chance
WRONG. mr p used to be the most possesive person alive,now loves watching mrs p having fun with other people,so deffinatly changed dont you think ???????"
Hmmm i mite be wrong but what u given me as example its not relevant we often make sacrifices for those we love for those u connect and we dont want to loose plus he gets his share of fun i guess
But then again i am to young to give this kind of advices |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks so much to everyone who has replied here, i think everyones been really helpful and non-judgemental, and it has really helped me to focus my feelings.
Granny Crumpet spot on as ever.
I am curious about her and we did have fun so im going to meet her for an afternoon but make sure i have something planned for the evening so i have a "get out", see what i feel then and try and keep my expectations of her low xxxxx |
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By *r mrs pCouple
over a year ago
taunton |
"People never change is a fact so unless u had also good times with them deffinetly not worth a second chance
WRONG. mr p used to be the most possesive person alive,now loves watching mrs p having fun with other people,so deffinatly changed dont you think ???????
good effort but still wrongg lol,totaly relevant,no sacrafice at all just realised how many years i had wasted worrying about what mrs p was getting up to,married for 31 years now and only started swinging this year,the old mr p would have killed any man who touched mrs p,this mr p bloody loves it.never too young to give advice.
Hmmm i mite be wrong but what u given me as example its not relevant we often make sacrifices for those we love for those u connect and we dont want to loose plus he gets his share of fun i guess
But then again i am to young to give this kind of advices "
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