FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Choices

Choices

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

In a bit of a pickle trying to figure out a situation and wondered if you lot could help.

I’ve been seeing someone for a while and they kept doing something i didn’t like, so i told them plain that i can’t cope with that behaviour any more and there is no future if it happens again. Things have been good for a while, but now they tell me they want to do the thing again but don’t want anything to change between us.

What would you do? I’m fairly sure that this is a disrespectful move, I won’t get over it and it’ll mean we have to end. I see it as them making a choice between the thing and me and choosing the thing. But they see it as me making the decision to end things even though they say they still want things to carry on the same way.

I’m bereft at the thought of ending things, but I don’t think I have any choice. But I can’t see me being able to have any self respect if I stay and he won’t budge.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Personally if anyone ever gave me an ultimatum of it’s me or the thing I’d choose the thing happily. I’d see that as a red flag for controlling behaviour.

That being said, you have to do what works for you... and if this thing is a hard limit for you, you’re best ending things.

I’d say have an open and honest conversation first though... it sounds as though it’s not as black and white as I’m making it seem. Probably not helpful at all... sorry.

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Obviously it may depend on what the "thing" is but if it's enough for you to have asked him not to do it, and he agreed then that's the key.

If it's that much of a "no no" for you then I don't see you have much choice but to end it, unless a compromise can be found - it may hurt initially, but then so would allowing it to continue, the difference being the hurt of ending it will subside, whereas the hurt of allowing him to carry on will continue as long as he does.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Can you say what the thing is, cause that’s kind of Pivotal ?!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If the "thing" is a deal breakers your only options is to curtail the relationship.

Possible compromise is if they can obtain the "thing" else where and your being ok with that.

Its tough, but you should be happy and if the "thing" doesn't make you happy, it needs to go

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/02/21 13:51:57]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

think to be honest if this "thing" goes against your core values and that person is going to continue doing it then I'm not sure you can just live with it as even if you compromise then it will probably always be a point of conflict.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

If you both have non-negotiable "things" and those things conflict with each other you're at an impasse

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By *luebell888Woman over a year ago

Glasgowish

What is this thing?. Is it sex, oral,anal?. Without knowing i feel i can not comment.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Honestly, it just sounds like a basic incompatibility. He isn't wrong for wanting the "thing" and you aren't wrong for not wanting the "thing"... but it's going to end with someone being unhappy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Can you say what the thing is, cause that’s kind of Pivotal ?!"

I was trying to avoid it because it’s long and messy but don’t really think it makes much sense without it.

Ok, so the ‘thing’ is going and spending time (a few days) staying with his ex who he likes to keep in touch with and still has sex with. He sees her occasionally but rarely.

We’re not monogamous or officially boyfriend and girlfriend but we know each other’s families, are very close and had recently decided that we were going to try to have a baby. It’d be an unconventional arrangement, but we felt we were close enough we would make it work.

I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish but haven’t for ages, not since the baby conversation and of course Covid.

The last time he went to see his ex I was really upset and spelled out that I really couldn’t cope with it. Meets are fine, but a cosy weekend with an ex is an entirely different thing. It hasn’t come up since. As part of the baby conversation I reiterated that I wouldn’t be able to maintain our relationship with him having those kind of intimate breaks with someone else. He said he understood. We forged on with baby making plans.

He’s just told me he wants to go see his ex. But doesn’t want it to change things between us. I said of course it will, you know that. He says it’s my decision.

I don’t feel like I’m being controlling as someone posted above. He thinks I am.

Thanks for all opinions. Please go easy because I’m not ok.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

Is this thing another person? It's really difficult to give my perspective without knowing a bit more, sorry Op!

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

You are perfectly within your rights to say there is something about a relationship that is a deal-breaker for you. You shouldn't feel guilty about it. If it's better for you to break up than to stay and put up with the thing that is bothering you, you should break up.

Even if it's hard and has down-sides, you sound pretty clear that it would be worth ending things. Be strong and do the deed.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

Ah never mind it is! Ignore the above.

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By *luebell888Woman over a year ago

Glasgowish

I would have no issues with him seeing his ex but having sex with her is a different matter. I would be unhappy with this too.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"You are perfectly within your rights to say there is something about a relationship that is a deal-breaker for you. You shouldn't feel guilty about it. If it's better for you to break up than to stay and put up with the thing that is bothering you, you should break up.

Even if it's hard and has down-sides, you sound pretty clear that it would be worth ending things. Be strong and do the deed. "

Trouble is this is my very last chance of ever having a child. It’s him or nothing. And I want it so badly I can’t bear to think of it not happening.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I would have no issues with him seeing his ex but having sex with her is a different matter. I would be unhappy with this too."

Yeah having a friendship with an ex is no problem. But spending days in her bed with her is a different thing to me. And it totally different to a playful meet with a fellow fabber.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Even if it's hard and has down-sides, you sound pretty clear that it would be worth ending things. Be strong and do the deed.

Trouble is this is my very last chance of ever having a child. It’s him or nothing. And I want it so badly I can’t bear to think of it not happening. "

We can't always get what we want

And sometimes, that's really for the best

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Swinging is different to someone having sex with an ex....I would guess there is still a relationship going on there

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think I would feel the same... would be a deal breaker for me.

Sorry no advice but sending hugs xx

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

"I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish"

You are both free to see (I am assuming that means have sex with) other people accept if it's him with his ex?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

""I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish"

You are both free to see (I am assuming that means have sex with) other people accept if it's him with his ex?"

Yeah my issue isn’t with him swinging. It’s with him maintaining a relationship with his ex where they spend days together doing couply things. It’s be the same if he were to want to do that with someone else too. It’s the intimacy thing.

Shagging a hot wife on meet or having a threesome at a club is different to going to stay with someone or going away with them for a little break. To me anyway.

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

""I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish"

You are both free to see (I am assuming that means have sex with) other people accept if it's him with his ex?

Shagging a hot wife on meet or having a threesome at a club is different to going to stay with someone or going away with them for a little break. To me anyway. "

I'm not sure I get what you mean. Unless you would like an intimate relationship with him? Or you feel it's not fair on the ex as she is unaware?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I would say OP you need to go with what's best for you. If your opinion isn't respected then what will be next.

The initial thought of losing something in the short term needs to be balanced with the long term impact on you.

Hope it works out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I couldn’t put up with that I’m sorry

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

""I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish"

You are both free to see (I am assuming that means have sex with) other people accept if it's him with his ex?

Shagging a hot wife on meet or having a threesome at a club is different to going to stay with someone or going away with them for a little break. To me anyway.

I'm not sure I get what you mean. Unless you would like an intimate relationship with him? Or you feel it's not fair on the ex as she is unaware?"

We have already have an intimate relationship. I don’t think that that’s something you have with more than one person (I realise some people do, but that doesn’t work for my core beliefs) She knows he’s on Fab and she knows he sees me but she doesn’t know how often and she doesn’t know we’re planning to have a baby.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand why you feel this way OP I would too.

But it sounds like you want an exclusive relationship with him.

If he doesn't want to stop seeing his ex and you don't want that dynamic then it's a recipe for a lot of heartache on your part.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I would say OP you need to go with what's best for you. If your opinion isn't respected then what will be next.

The initial thought of losing something in the short term needs to be balanced with the long term impact on you.

Hope it works out."

I feel like there’s no good answer. I can carry on and let him do what he wants but hopefully get a baby. Or I can call it quits and have no baby and nobody. Both are terrible, but I can’t figure out which is more terrible.

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By *tephTV67TV/TS over a year ago

Cheshire

It’s seems it’s the emotional bond he has with his ex partner that is the main issue. Having sex with someone for fun is one thing, but actually caring for the other person is another thing entirely. Especially if you like their personality as much as their looks.

My ‘thing’ is my crossdressing, if a partner can’t accept it or wants me to stop, it isn’t possible as it’s inbuilt within me.

But that’s not the same issue you have and I totally get where you’re coming from.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

""I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish"

You are both free to see (I am assuming that means have sex with) other people accept if it's him with his ex?

Shagging a hot wife on meet or having a threesome at a club is different to going to stay with someone or going away with them for a little break. To me anyway.

I'm not sure I get what you mean. Unless you would like an intimate relationship with him? Or you feel it's not fair on the ex as she is unaware?

To me it seems he wants his cake and eat it. I wonder what would happen if she knew the full extent of your relationship. Go with your gut instinct x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I would say OP you need to go with what's best for you. If your opinion isn't respected then what will be next.

The initial thought of losing something in the short term needs to be balanced with the long term impact on you.

Hope it works out.

I wouldn't think you'd have nobody, although you may feel that way at the moment. I would take the baby out of the question now and see how things work out.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I understand why you feel this way OP I would too.

But it sounds like you want an exclusive relationship with him.

If he doesn't want to stop seeing his ex and you don't want that dynamic then it's a recipe for a lot of heartache on your part.

What we have suits me. We see lots of each other, we know each other’s families, I’m not really looking for conventional. It doesn’t bother me for him to have sex with other people, but I’m not comfortable with him spending a week at my house in bed with me she then spending a week at hers with her. It’s a bit too sister wife for my taste.

But if I end it then i will never have a baby, because I’m too old to meet someone new. And I desperately don’t want to give up that chance. It’s really hard.

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By *imply_SensualMan over a year ago

warrington

It’s not an ideal situation to bring a baby into the world either. If there is likely to be an emotional on you if he keeps agreeing, asking again, agreeing etc, the cycle of emotional upset will not just impact you but also the child.

If he can give up his ex, is she really an ex? This plus one big negative amongst an array of positives no doubt, but it’s too big to to just overlook.

My advice for what it’s worth, walk away - it is better in the long term and reduces any impact on a potential child. Considerations for the child have to be top priority.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I would say OP you need to go with what's best for you. If your opinion isn't respected then what will be next.

The initial thought of losing something in the short term needs to be balanced with the long term impact on you.

Hope it works out.

I wouldn't think you'd have nobody, although you may feel that way at the moment. I would take the baby out of the question now and see how things work out. "

He’s my last chance at a baby because of my age. Without the baby being in the equation then i think things have run their course and I should leave him to it

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It’s not an ideal situation to bring a baby into the world either. If there is likely to be an emotional on you if he keeps agreeing, asking again, agreeing etc, the cycle of emotional upset will not just impact you but also the child.

If he can give up his ex, is she really an ex? This plus one big negative amongst an array of positives no doubt, but it’s too big to to just overlook.

My advice for what it’s worth, walk away - it is better in the long term and reduces any impact on a potential child. Considerations for the child have to be top priority. "

I think we could co parent brilliantly. We’d just not have to have an intimate relationship and he could see who he wanted. But to achieve the baby we have to be intimate, and that’s the problem.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If he can give up his ex, is she really an ex? This plus one big negative amongst an array of positives no doubt, but it’s too big to to just overlook.

My advice for what it’s worth, walk away - it is better in the long term and reduces any impact on a potential child. Considerations for the child have to be top priority. "

This

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I would say OP you need to go with what's best for you. If your opinion isn't respected then what will be next.

The initial thought of losing something in the short term needs to be balanced with the long term impact on you.

Hope it works out.

I wouldn't think you'd have nobody, although you may feel that way at the moment. I would take the baby out of the question now and see how things work out.

He’s my last chance at a baby because of my age. Without the baby being in the equation then i think things have run their course and I should leave him to it "

I think you may have answered your own question. If you can't see a way forward for the relationship I wouldn't be confident of parenthood. I know that's probably not the answer you wanted but I, sadly, think it's likely to be true.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It’s seems it’s the emotional bond he has with his ex partner that is the main issue. Having sex with someone for fun is one thing, but actually caring for the other person is another thing entirely. Especially if you like their personality as much as their looks.

My ‘thing’ is my crossdressing, if a partner can’t accept it or wants me to stop, it isn’t possible as it’s inbuilt within me.

But that’s not the same issue you have and I totally get where you’re coming from.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

He assures me the issue isn’t her and he doesn’t care for her more than me, what they have is very casual and won’t lead to a reconciliation. He says he just can’t get on with being restricted and feeling like he’s being told what to do. It’s so hard. I think fundamentally he’s polyamorous and I’m not.

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

He hasn't done anything wrong. You both have agreed that the both of you can be intimate with others. It doesn't sound like you meant it when you said he could be.

As someone else has said, think about the baby.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

""I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish"

You are both free to see (I am assuming that means have sex with) other people accept if it's him with his ex?

Shagging a hot wife on meet or having a threesome at a club is different to going to stay with someone or going away with them for a little break. To me anyway.

I'm not sure I get what you mean. Unless you would like an intimate relationship with him? Or you feel it's not fair on the ex as she is unaware?

To me it seems he wants his cake and eat it. I wonder what would happen if she knew the full extent of your relationship. Go with your gut instinct x"

I’ve always suspected that whilst it’s casual for him with her, she likely hankers after a reconciliation eventually. Possibly when he’s got Fab out of his system. I can’t see why you’d continue to see your ex for years after a break up. Especially as he betrayed her terribly. She’s got to be hoping he wages her back. And I’m sure if she knew the extent of our relationship she’d be heartbroken.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think you'd give a baby a more emotionally stable home life with a donor father.

If he's were my dilemma, I'd end it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think you'd give a baby a more emotionally stable home life with a donor father.

If he's were my dilemma, I'd end it. "

*this, not he's

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I think you'd give a baby a more emotionally stable home life with a donor father.

If he's were my dilemma, I'd end it. "

I paint a really shabby picture of him with all of the above, and he’d make a terrible boyfriend. But I’m sure he’d be a great father. His family are wonderful and between us all I think we’d be an amazing team. I don’t want a donor father, I want it to be him. That’s why it’s so hard.

I think though, hard as I try I can’t want it enough for both of us and I’m just going to have to let it go and accept that’s it’s never going to happen for me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think you'd give a baby a more emotionally stable home life with a donor father.

If he's were my dilemma, I'd end it.

I think though, hard as I try I can’t want it enough for both of us and I’m just going to have to let it go and accept that’s it’s never going to happen for me. "

This is sad but you don’t want a situation where it’s not best for your child - or you xx

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

Well, she's not his ex. He still has a relationship with her.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

A hard no is a hard no.

When a hard no turns into a yes, albeit an aggrieved one to keep someone else happy guess what that means?

It means hard limits don't exist anymore. It means what you say isn't what you mean.

It means you'll bend to him to keep him.

It means you can be manipulated.

You stipulated you're fine with other people, but not her.

If he told you that him spending a weekend with someone in particular made him uncomfortable what would you do? I'd say "I respect that and I'll find someone else" I'd also try to understand the why it made them uncomfortable and try to prevent it happening again with someone else and I'd also suggest couples counselling so we felt truly armed with the tools to get through hiccups.

This is more than a hiccup tho, this is you feeling like you're playing second fiddle to an ex.

This is about you feeling confident, secure and important in his life, and that no means no.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Dump him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Well, she's not his ex. He still has a relationship with her.

Yes. She’s no longer his girlfriend though, so he refers to her as his ex. Obviously there is still a relationship there, that’s the whole issue.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Im sorry but your thinking of having a baby so you can co parent with him? Bring on the abuse but thats disgusting...im a single parent and I wish I wasn't...sorry I think your wrong

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think you'd give a baby a more emotionally stable home life with a donor father.

If he's were my dilemma, I'd end it. "

This.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A hard no is a hard no.

When a hard no turns into a yes, albeit an aggrieved one to keep someone else happy guess what that means?

It means hard limits don't exist anymore. It means what you say isn't what you mean.

It means you'll bend to him to keep him.

It means you can be manipulated.

You stipulated you're fine with other people, but not her.

This is more than a hiccup tho, this is you feeling like you're playing second fiddle to an ex.

This is about you feeling confident, secure and important in his life, and that no means no."

This is exactly it. I think he thinks I’ll bend like I have before. But he will not bend, not even slightly. I said that I couldn’t ever feel like he had an respect for me if he can know this will break me and do it anyway. He said not being able to do as he wants to will break him.

I know the answer but I’ll just desperately trying to find a way to get my head round it because I don’t want to let go.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Having a baby seems very important to you and maybe clouding yoir judgement as regards to dealing with his behaviour. If you really want a baby and could manage worst case scenario as a single mum then have the the baby if time is running out for you. Millions of children are loved and cared for in more unusual circumstances.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Well, she's not his ex. He still has a relationship with her.

Yes. She’s no longer his girlfriend though, so he refers to her as his ex. Obviously there is still a relationship there, that’s the whole issue. "

Him referring to her as his ex is very convenient for him, it gives the impression that certain parts of their relationship are over when clearly they're not.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"Well, she's not his ex. He still has a relationship with her.

Yes. She’s no longer his girlfriend though, so he refers to her as his ex. Obviously there is still a relationship there, that’s the whole issue.

Him referring to her as his ex is very convenient for him, it gives the impression that certain parts of their relationship are over when clearly they're not."

Yep, I agree completely with this.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"A hard no is a hard no.

When a hard no turns into a yes, albeit an aggrieved one to keep someone else happy guess what that means?

It means hard limits don't exist anymore. It means what you say isn't what you mean.

It means you'll bend to him to keep him.

It means you can be manipulated.

You stipulated you're fine with other people, but not her.

This is more than a hiccup tho, this is you feeling like you're playing second fiddle to an ex.

This is about you feeling confident, secure and important in his life, and that no means no.

I know the answer but I’ll just desperately trying to find a way to get my head round it because I don’t want to let go. "

Cake and eating it.

All his way.

He's saying you're trying to control him by being honest about something that's making you extremely uncomfortable.

Does that not work both ways?

I don't think it's controlling, I think it's being honest, open and sharing concerns and being uncomfortable with something.

Maybe if he said OK, and showed you he is committed to you then in the future you'd feel comfortable and secure enough for them to meet up again.

I have myself been in a similar situation where I was cool with my ex meeting people, but there were some people I wasn't comfortable with. I ended up trying to change me, to force myself into being ok with things or just suffering through them.

And believe me I suffered.

I was worth more than that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Having a baby seems very important to you and maybe clouding yoir judgement as regards to dealing with his behaviour. If you really want a baby and could manage worst case scenario as a single mum then have the the baby if time is running out for you. Millions of children are loved and cared for in more unusual circumstances. "

It’s huge for me. And I don’t want to let that chance go, but he’s ruining my ability to be able to accept the less than ideal situation by doing things that he knows hurt me. I don’t know how to get my head round it.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

Hang on a minute. The less than ideal situation? He's telling you in no uncertain terms what he's prepared to accept, he's not ruining your ability to accept anything, he's giving you very clear signals about how your life will be if you continue on your current path.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why would you even try to?

You can't control his behaviour

But you can control yours and decide not to tolerate it

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Ideal situation in terms of having a baby. IE not being a happily married, settled etc

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Big red flag! Go! Be true to yourself that's where happiness comes from.....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had this exact (similar) situation last year. It was fucking messy and caused great damage. He thought I was trying to control him though I'm otherwise fine with our open status. This one woman, for various reasons I just couldn't accept. People got hurt.

In my experience it takes a lot for either of you to back down and resentment festers.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

Ideal situation in terms of having a baby. IE not being a happily married, settled etc"

There are all sorts of models for being good parents/parent. But he is clearly telling you be does not want what you want. His mouth is saying one thing but his actions are saying something else.

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By *a LunaWoman over a year ago

South Wales

If you don’t want to do something then you don’t want to do it.

If they can’t respect that and are trying to put pressure on you then are they really for you?

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By *ambo1450Man over a year ago

Newport

"think to be honest if this "thing" goes against your core values and that person is going to continue doing it then I'm not sure you can just live with it as even if you compromise then it will probably always be a point of conflict. "

Best advice I’ve heard in a while.

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

If you say to him he can shag other women then he thinks you mean he can shag other women. I still don't get why he can shag others except for the ones you don't want him to shag. It's contradictory. His ex is ok with it too

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If you say to him he can shag other women then he thinks you mean he can shag other women. I still don't get why he can shag others except for the ones you don't want him to shag. It's contradictory. His ex is ok with it too"

It’s ok if you don’t get it. He does get it and he doesn’t think it’s contradictory at all. He understands why it’s different and why I feel the way I feel. As do others above. He still just wants what he wants. As stated above, his ex doesn’t know what’s going on and both he and I are fairly sure she wouldn’t be ok with it if she did know.

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

Fair enough but I based that on you saying,

"She knows he’s on Fab and she knows he sees me"

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

I can relate to the not really an ex but calling them an ex not knowing and wouldn't be ok with it.

Red flag for me right there.

Where's HER choice in all of this?

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

Her choice is to walk away. He doesn't have to agree with the rules which are a little confusing.

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By *atalie..Woman over a year ago

Bolton

Personally I think he's using your need for a child to his own advantage.

I'm spending the weekend with the ex, but I will make it up to you by trying to give you a child (that's if he's able)

during the week.

He thinks that he's got you right were he wants you, that's sad on his part. He knows how it affects you mentally and still continues.

There's no respect for you or the ex if she's not fully aware of his lifestyle and life with you.

Personally if this was me I would just say it's over because in reality you know that it is.

And if he backtracked you could never trust him, he said he'd stop once and clearly didn't.

I feel sad for him using your emotions etc in such a way I think it's cruel

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"Her choice is to walk away. He doesn't have to agree with the rules which are a little confusing."

I'm not sure if that was directed at my post when I asked "where's her choice?"

I was referring to the ex who doesn't seem to really be an ex.

By saying she wouldn't be happy with what's going on, but not giving her the choice to make a decision based on what's going on, that's really fucking unfair on her.

If you know someone wouldn't be pleased so you just don't tell them, that's proper selfish and manipulating a situation as far as I'm concerned.

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

"Her choice is to walk away. He doesn't have to agree with the rules which are a little confusing.

I'm not sure if that was directed at my post when I asked "where's her choice?"

I was referring to the ex who doesn't seem to really be an ex.

By saying she wouldn't be happy with what's going on, but not giving her the choice to make a decision based on what's going on, that's really fucking unfair on her.

If you know someone wouldn't be pleased so you just don't tell them, that's proper selfish and manipulating a situation as far as I'm concerned.

Ok I thought you meant the OP. My responses were based on the OP responding to an earlier question I had asked. It seemed to suggest the ex was aware of what was going on. You can scroll back and find it if you so wish

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Her choice is to walk away. He doesn't have to agree with the rules which are a little confusing.

I'm not sure if that was directed at my post when I asked "where's her choice?"

I was referring to the ex who doesn't seem to really be an ex.

By saying she wouldn't be happy with what's going on, but not giving her the choice to make a decision based on what's going on, that's really fucking unfair on her.

If you know someone wouldn't be pleased so you just don't tell them, that's proper selfish and manipulating a situation as far as I'm concerned.

She knows he’s on Fab. She doesn’t know that he and I were planning a child and the nature of the time we spend together.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?"

Is he polyamorous?

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

Is he polyamorous?"

She said she thinks he is further up on the thread

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?"

I knew that he and I would never be a conventional couple and that he’d always enjoy sleeping with other people. I didn’t know that he planned on still seeing his ex or others in an intimate, not just sex way. I explained how I felt about that, he said he understood and let’s have a baby.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

Is he polyamorous?

She said she thinks he is further up on the thread "

Oh, I thought they just liked casual sex with others

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By *offiaCoolWoman over a year ago

Kidsgrove

"Her choice is to walk away. He doesn't have to agree with the rules which are a little confusing.

I'm not sure if that was directed at my post when I asked "where's her choice?"

I was referring to the ex who doesn't seem to really be an ex.

By saying she wouldn't be happy with what's going on, but not giving her the choice to make a decision based on what's going on, that's really fucking unfair on her.

If you know someone wouldn't be pleased so you just don't tell them, that's proper selfish and manipulating a situation as far as I'm concerned.

She knows he’s on Fab. She doesn’t know that he and I were planning a child and the nature of the time we spend together. "

That is a good indication of how much value he puts on his relationship with his ex. He is pretty sure it would damage his relationship with her if she was aware.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

Is he polyamorous?

She said she thinks he is further up on the thread "

Yes he’s never said so, but the fact that he wants intimate relationships with more that one person at once suggests to me that he is.

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By *offiaCoolWoman over a year ago

Kidsgrove

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

He is using your desperation to have a child as his get out of jail free card. He can do whatever he wants. If he didn't value his relationship with his ex so much, he would be honest with her about you and what you plan together.

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By *hrista BellendWoman over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

That is a difficult situation indeed, If it were me I'd have another serious conversation with him about the baby, if he is truly polyamourous the ability to have a very intimate relationship with others is strong and I fear hurt for you is not very far away

I am polyamourous and one of my relationships is with a monogamous man, we work on our relationship a lot more than the ones I have with other polyamourous men, as its not a natural state for him to accept that I can and do love more than one man at a time

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I had this exact (similar) situation last year. It was fucking messy and caused great damage. He thought I was trying to control him though I'm otherwise fine with our open status. This one woman, for various reasons I just couldn't accept. People got hurt.

In my experience it takes a lot for either of you to back down and resentment festers. "

He’s fiercely protective of his right to do what he wants with who he wants. It’s really important to him. I know that. So I steer clear of ultimatums because they get his guard up. But any expression of unhappiness on my part, no matter how gentle makes him fly off the handle and feel trapped and like I’m trying to control him. And he will not budge. But given our current plans and his knowledge of how I feel and how things have been going lately I thought what he wanted had adjusted. Certainly the nature of our relationship had changed. But apparently I was wrong.

So I didn’t think having to worry about this kind of thing was something I had to consider anymore.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

I asked him to help me try and understand it so that I could feel differently, I would love to be ok with it. But he’s never tried. He just says that he wants to and that she isn’t more important to him than me, that he and are are far closer, but she doesn’t ask him to choose and I do. My insecurities make me feel second best and jealous, but aside from them believe him when he tells me it’s not about her its about choice. It just doesn’t help me to feel any better. I wish it would, I’d love to be able to deal with it so we could all be happy.

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By *extravagantWoman over a year ago

Hertfordshire

If it is a red-line for you then he is the one who needs to choose: you or his ex.

Stick to your principles.

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By *ersey GirlCouple over a year ago

Glasgow

Is it really that bad that he's spending time with her. You said it's occasionally but rarely. If you were ok with it it would solve all your problems. You could have your wee baby and you would be really happy. Honestly I'd look at the big picture

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By *an_LexaCouple over a year ago

Sunderland

My advice would be, if you’re doing this just for a child, don’t.

You’ve put your cards on the table, said what you require to continue with what you have and he agreed. Now he’s changed his mind. You’re not walking away, he just slammed the door behind himself in my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Im actually afraid you want to bring a innocent baby into this relationship....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Is it really that bad that he's spending time with her. You said it's occasionally but rarely. If you were ok with it it would solve all your problems. You could have your wee baby and you would be really happy. Honestly I'd look at the big picture

It’s been twice in the past year. 2 lots of 2 nights. It’s not much at all. I wish I could be ok with it and it not eat me up, but it does. I really want to just get past it because I don’t want to lose what we have. But I feel like a doormat. So it’s hard.

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By *an4funMan over a year ago

london

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

Is he polyamorous?

She said she thinks he is further up on the thread

Oh, I thought they just liked casual sex with others"

There are too many contradictions. I am bailing out for my own sanity. Good luck OP and to your man.

Over to you ladies...

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Im actually afraid you want to bring a innocent baby into this relationship...."

I realise you don’t know us and you’re only getting a snapshot of the worst of the worst. Try not to judge. There are many parts to this thats or us perfect for having a child.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You're behaving like a doormat by continually enabling and tolerating something that clearly isn't making you happy.

That's not gonna be a good emotional baseline for you if you do become pregnant.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

He isn't polyamorous that involves transparency, the other woman is not his ex.

You must do what you want to do but trying to accept had behaviour in a relationship will always end badly.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Im actually afraid you want to bring a innocent baby into this relationship....

I realise you don’t know us and you’re only getting a snapshot of the worst of the worst. Try not to judge. There are many parts to this thats or us perfect for having a child. "

Perhaps you could help us understand by explaining the perfect parts.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Can you say what the thing is, cause that’s kind of Pivotal ?!

I was trying to avoid it because it’s long and messy but don’t really think it makes much sense without it.

Ok, so the ‘thing’ is going and spending time (a few days) staying with his ex who he likes to keep in touch with and still has sex with. He sees her occasionally but rarely.

I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish but haven’t for ages, not since the baby conversation and of course Covid.

He’s just told me he wants to go see his ex. But doesn’t want it to change things between us. I said of course it will, you know that. He says it’s my decision.

I don’t feel like I’m being controlling as someone posted above. He thinks I am.

Thanks for all opinions. Please go easy because I’m not ok. "

If he is upfront and tells you he is going to see her then he has not broken your arrangement rules. If he has no say in who you meet then you cannot expect to have a say in who he does.

Personally I would give this thought about having a baby on hold unless you want to bring it up alone.

You seem conflicted on what the basis of your relationship is - either you both agree to be monogamous or you both agree you can see others.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

If the chance had already passed and you couldn't get pregnant, would you continue with the relationship?

Would you carry on with something that hurts you without compromise or willingness to compromise? With someone who instead of trying to come to a resolution makes a decision that causes the problem because it's what they want?

Without wanting to sound cold, you may not get pregnant. Some people it happens very quickly others can take years if it happens at all. You may be holding on for something that won't happen anyway.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Did you know he was polyamourous when you both were discussing having children?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If the chance had already passed and you couldn't get pregnant, would you continue with the relationship?

Without wanting to sound cold, you may not get pregnant. Some people it happens very quickly others can take years if it happens at all. You may be holding on for something that won't happen anyway."

I’m very attached to him and he’s a big part of my life. I’d prefer it stay that way if it was possible. The baby thing has been a new thing, I’ve stuck around for years before this. I’m not very good at letting go.

I understand that the baby isn’t a definite, but it is a definite no without him. And it’s taking a bit of adjusting to that when I’ve only recently dared to dream it might happen.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Can you say what the thing is, cause that’s kind of Pivotal ?!

I was trying to avoid it because it’s long and messy but don’t really think it makes much sense without it.

Ok, so the ‘thing’ is going and spending time (a few days) staying with his ex who he likes to keep in touch with and still has sex with. He sees her occasionally but rarely.

I’m terms of our rules for other people, we are both are free to play with others if we so wish but haven’t for ages, not since the baby conversation and of course Covid.

He’s just told me he wants to go see his ex. But doesn’t want it to change things between us. I said of course it will, you know that. He says it’s my decision.

I don’t feel like I’m being controlling as someone posted above. He thinks I am.

Thanks for all opinions. Please go easy because I’m not ok.

If he is upfront and tells you he is going to see her then he has not broken your arrangement rules. If he has no say in who you meet then you cannot expect to have a say in who he does.

Personally I would give this thought about having a baby on hold unless you want to bring it up alone.

You seem conflicted on what the basis of your relationship is - either you both agree to be monogamous or you both agree you can see others."

It being ok to have casual sex with someone isn’t the same as agreeing he can go back to his ex for a few days now and again. To me. And he could have as much say in who I slept with as he likes.

Monogamy isn’t required, I’m not capable of a traditional relationship any more than he is.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Im actually afraid you want to bring a innocent baby into this relationship....

I realise you don’t know us and you’re only getting a snapshot of the worst of the worst. Try not to judge. There are many parts to this thats or us perfect for having a child.

Perhaps you could help us understand by explaining the perfect parts."

I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, but your or anyone’s view on whether we’d make good parents wasn’t the issue here. I understand why people have commented on it, but I don’t think I need to provide further info to help convince anyone. If that’s ok.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Im actually afraid you want to bring a innocent baby into this relationship....

I realise you don’t know us and you’re only getting a snapshot of the worst of the worst. Try not to judge. There are many parts to this thats or us perfect for having a child.

Perhaps you could help us understand by explaining the perfect parts.

It's possible he agreed to the baby sperm donor thing just to keep you around for a shag. If you said you're not happy with him shagging his ex.

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By *offiaCoolWoman over a year ago

Kidsgrove

For the third time. His avoidance of telling his ex of your relationship and plans to have a child, tells you that he values that relationship so much, he doesn't want to lose it.

That is not casual sex, it is a relationship he values above what plans you have.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Im actually afraid you want to bring a innocent baby into this relationship....

I realise you don’t know us and you’re only getting a snapshot of the worst of the worst. Try not to judge. There are many parts to this thats or us perfect for having a child.

Perhaps you could help us understand by explaining the perfect parts.

No, it's not rude but if you're only presenting us with the bad bits you can understand busy you're getting the responses you're getting.

I wish all of you the best.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

*you can understand why* that should have said

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"For the third time. His avoidance of telling his ex of your relationship and plans to have a child, tells you that he values that relationship so much, he doesn't want to lose it.

That is not casual sex, it is a relationship he values above what plans you have."

I agree with this

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm sorry to hear of your agonising dilemma OP. Polyamory ( even your partner's version of it ) is either something you can take in your stride or it's not. I know it's not in my nature and all you have written here strongly suggests it's not within yours either. We all have different capabilities and there's nothing wrong with that.

The most important thing is that you be true to yourself and not be held over a barrel by someone who disregards your boundaries.

Having the chance of trying for a baby seems your ultimate desire. I'm sure you had not committed yourself to this dream and obligation without being sure you can (if needs be, as a lone parent) give them a good upbringing. If you believe you can do this, then it seems to me you have options :-

* End your intimate relationship with this man and source a sperm donor elsewhere.

* Reframe this man as primarily a sperm donor (if you can conceive of continuing to be intimate with him following his times with his ex ).

* Give up on your dream of having a biological child of your own ( which is a heartbreaking choice I'm sure ).

What does seem clear is that longterm, your intimate relationship with this man will at best force you to live a life of constant heartache. Maybe he would / will make a good Dad. Maybe you and he could have a good parenting partnership and platonic friendship together...but it does not read like you and he would have a healthy relationship were it to remain sexual after a child were to be born. Your perspectives are too far apart and one of you would ultimately be suppressing your needs for the sake of the other ...most likely you would OP.

Consider these suggestions. Lay these or other ideas you come up with before him. For your own sake though ( and possibly the sake of any future child ), don't allow him to keep emotionally black mailing you into being his 'put up and shut up' FWB longterm, as he is doing now.

I hope you find a solution OP, that allows you to pursue the chance of your hearts desire and also remain true to yourself.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If he wants to do that you can very well tell him to stop as its ur problem not his problem. If its not suited for you then move on. From how i read it, it sounds although your wanting a child more than him, and the situation doesnt sound great to bring a child into the world. Move on and find someone that wants what you do.

Never expect people to change, they only will if they want too

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm sorry to hear of your agonising dilemma OP. Polyamory ( even your partner's version of it ) is either something you can take in your stride or it's not. I know it's not in my nature and all you have written here strongly suggests it's not within yours either. We all have different capabilities and there's nothing wrong with that.

The most important thing is that you be true to yourself and not be held over a barrel by someone who disregards your boundaries.

* End your intimate relationship with this man and source a sperm donor elsewhere.

* Reframe this man as primarily a sperm donor (if you can conceive of continuing to be intimate with him following his times with his ex ).

* Give up on your dream of having a biological child of your own ( which is a heartbreaking choice I'm sure ).

I hope you find a solution OP, that allows you to pursue the chance of your hearts desire and also remain true to yourself."

Thank you for taking the time to write all this out. I think it’s spot on. It’s so hard to be in this position, but I think those are my only options.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The most important thing is that you be true to yourself and not be held over a barrel by someone who disregards your boundaries.

* End your intimate relationship with this man and source a sperm donor elsewhere.

* Reframe this man as primarily a sperm donor (if you can conceive of continuing to be intimate with him following his times with his ex ).

* Give up on your dream of having a biological child of your own ( which is a heartbreaking choice I'm sure ).

I hope you find a solution OP, that allows you to pursue the chance of your hearts desire and also remain true to yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to write all this out. I think it’s spot on. It’s so hard to be in this position, but I think those are my only options."

You're welcome D. There are likely other and better tailored options. If you give yourself the time and space to process, I am sure you will find them. Just don't feel under pressure (from yourself or others) to quickly process and navigate these pivotal crossroads. What your partner does between now and then is his choice and free will, which he is entitled to...but you are entitled to your free will ( free of duress ) too. Fate may make your choices clearer over the next few weeks.

Best of luck !

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By *rHotNottsMan over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I think you’re right , if it bothers you that much it’s right to give the ultimatum and make it his choice

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By *ad NannaWoman over a year ago

East London

If it's something I really couldn't tolerate I would end the relationship.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If this woman is his ex then why is he trying to hide the extent of his relationship with you from her?

I’m sorry, to me it suggests he cares more about her than he is admitting.

And if you have a child together, will that also be hidden from her?

It would bother me that he wants you to accept the situation but he is unwilling to upset his ex who is clearly not an ex.

I hope you make your decision on what’s best for you.

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By *imis3Woman over a year ago

Dublin

The most important thing is that you be true to yourself and not be held over a barrel by someone who disregards your boundaries.

* End your intimate relationship with this man and source a sperm donor elsewhere.

* Reframe this man as primarily a sperm donor (if you can conceive of continuing to be intimate with him following his times with his ex ).

* Give up on your dream of having a biological child of your own ( which is a heartbreaking choice I'm sure ).

I hope you find a solution OP, that allows you to pursue the chance of your hearts desire and also remain true to yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to write all this out. I think it’s spot on. It’s so hard to be in this position, but I think those are my only options.

Best of luck !"

Brill advise.

I really hope you get what you want O.P

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