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Auntie Ps advice line
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Wassuuuuuup 
Icy roads coz the council sent no gritter?
A mammoth turd that blocked the shitter?
Can't decide what you want for lunch?
A dickhead you just need to punch?
Whatever your woes or troubles you can post them here. No judgement from this thread apart from getting pointed at and laughed at for being such a spanner and getting yourself in a stupid fucking situation to start with. Numpty.
Spill the beans libertines.
*dislcaimer: taking any or all advice will probably leave you with a criminal record, friendless, or needing emergency hospital treatment. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"What is the perfect amount of butter to nicely glaze a hot steaming crumpet, before it releases and gushes al over your face ?
Asking for a friend  "
Is that a euphemism your "friend" is asking about?  |
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"I’m not posting on here.
There’s no mention of Valentine’s Day.
"
That was the whole cunting point Samuel not so Tender. I admit it was quite a relief waking up and not wondering if I was gonna get anything, not stressing over "will he find time for me?" "Am I important enough?"
Ahhhh, bisto |
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"What is the perfect amount of butter to nicely glaze a hot steaming crumpet, before it releases and gushes al over your face ?
Asking for a friend "
Melt butter in a pan. Dunk crumpet like woman being tested to see if she's a witch or not.
Just cut a hole in a face mask to avoid butter burns on your Chevy Chase |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What is the perfect amount of butter to nicely glaze a hot steaming crumpet, before it releases and gushes al over your face ?
Asking for a friend
Melt butter in a pan. Dunk crumpet like woman being tested to see if she's a witch or not.
Just cut a hole in a face mask to avoid butter burns on your Chevy Chase "
 |
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By *lipy123TV/TS
over a year ago
Birmingham |
Dear Peaches a long long time ago a man promised all kinds of things, He said i could do anything i wanted to him  then when it came down to the day he canceled and deleted his account.
This morning i got a message remember me ?
The cheek of the little worm i blocked him
Did i do the right thing or do you think i should have gave him a 2nd chance ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What is the perfect amount of butter to nicely glaze a hot steaming crumpet, before it releases and gushes al over your face ?
Asking for a friend
Is that a euphemism your "friend" is asking about? "
I don't know what you mean twinny 
Did you have any advice based on your experience |
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"Bought a new (second hand) phone, S6 Edge, a couple of weeks ago and the keyboard has got a mind of its own 
Wouldn't mind, but it cost me £160 and it's taken me 3 days to type this shit out "
It's simply bilingual, you just need to learn all the other languages in the world to work out which flavour it uses. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’m not posting on here.
There’s no mention of Valentine’s Day.
That was the whole cunting point Samuel not so Tender. I admit it was quite a relief waking up and not wondering if I was gonna get anything, not stressing over "will he find time for me?" "Am I important enough?"
Ahhhh, bisto "
Send nudes. |
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"Dear Peaches a long long time ago a man promised all kinds of things, He said i could do anything i wanted to him then when it came down to the day he canceled and deleted his account.
This morning i got a message remember me ?
The cheek of the little worm i blocked him
Did i do the right thing or do you think i should have gave him a 2nd chance ?"
Wtf? You revenge. You revenge harder than you ever revenged before. You go Liam Neeson on the cunt and make him regret the day he ever flaked out. How?
Nobody can resist the crumbliest flakiest chocolate. Gift basket full of em. Just make sure you contaminate them arsenic. |
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"Bought a new (second hand) phone, S6 Edge, a couple of weeks ago and the keyboard has got a mind of its own
Wouldn't mind, but it cost me £160 and it's taken me 3 days to type this shit out
It's simply bilingual, you just need to learn all the other languages in the world to work out which flavour it uses."
Danke meine Leibe, voulez vous un cuppa Querido |
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"Bought a new (second hand) phone, S6 Edge, a couple of weeks ago and the keyboard has got a mind of its own
Wouldn't mind, but it cost me £160 and it's taken me 3 days to type this shit out
It's simply bilingual, you just need to learn all the other languages in the world to work out which flavour it uses.
Danke meine Leibe, voulez vous un cuppa Querido "
The Backstreet Boys. Yes, I'm certain of it. |
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"Dear Auntie P
When giving chocolates, and you can't help but have a few first, What says "Fancy a shag" most - the creams or the toffees?  "
Eat the creams, leave the toffees. No fucker likes the toffees. Don't throw them away though. Just repeat the process a few years running and then you'll never have to buy a box again. You'll have enough to make a full box of toffees which you wrap lovingly.
Makes the other person look a right ungrateful cunt for not being thrilled at the teeth pulling oral torture that is toffee. |
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"Dear auntie P,
How do I motivate myself to do some exercise when I know there are chocolates somewhere in the house? "
Surely finding the chocolates is a treasure hunt, that means moving off your arse to find them. That alone is exercise.
But if you really wanted to burn some calories stick a firework up yer rectum, light that cunt then you've no choice but to try to outrun it |
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Dear Aunty P.
My first problem is myself. I have started a running prog......... I love it..... but FUCK ME, other people live around here and here's the prob......
I won't run while there is anyone there I haven't worked it out yet..... maybe i feel like an imposter cos I don't have the gear or the body ....
Do I put two fingers up or vampire hiss at them OR grow the fuck up and just run like there's no one there |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear auntie P,
How do I motivate myself to do some exercise when I know there are chocolates somewhere in the house?
Surely finding the chocolates is a treasure hunt, that means moving off your arse to find them. That alone is exercise.
But if you really wanted to burn some calories stick a firework up yer rectum, light that cunt then you've no choice but to try to outrun it "
Thanks, turns out the chocolates were in the drawer with the matches... So two birds, one stone.
If I don't reply it's because I'm not that fast. Dress code for the funeral is 'mourning wank' |
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"Dear Aunty P.
My first problem is myself. I have started a running prog......... I love it..... but FUCK ME, other people live around here and here's the prob......
I won't run while there is anyone there I haven't worked it out yet..... maybe i feel like an imposter cos I don't have the gear or the body ....
Do I put two fingers up or vampire hiss at them OR grow the fuck up and just run like there's no one there"
You purchase a rifle. Strap that fucker to your back and recite the "I don't know but I've been told Eskimo pussy is mighty cold" running songy thingy from Full Metal Jacket whilst you're doing what you enjoy.
Then watch the fear in their eyes.
You aren't an imposter, simply playing a different game. |
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"Happy valentines day p
I did have a poem too...
But I forgot it..."
Best take your brain out and get it checked.
Put it in a safe place and see if you can remember where you put it. If you find it, it was just a minor memory fail, if you don't....
|
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"Valentines schmalentines, pile of sappy wankentines.
Is my bold and shocking poetry better suited to twitter, YouTube or public readings?
Mrs kf x"
All of them, including moonpig, Funky Pigeon Street and Clinton cunting cards. |
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"Valentines schmalentines, pile of sappy wankentines.
Is my bold and shocking poetry better suited to twitter, YouTube or public readings?
Mrs kf x
All of them, including moonpig, Funky Pigeon Street and Clinton cunting cards."
Oh, yes! A new career beckons.
Oh, valentines day
What a bag of steaming shite
Cuppa tea instead.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Peaches a long long time ago a man promised all kinds of things, He said i could do anything i wanted to him then when it came down to the day he canceled and deleted his account.
This morning i got a message remember me ?
The cheek of the little worm i blocked him
Did i do the right thing or do you think i should have gave him a 2nd chance ?
Wtf? You revenge. You revenge harder than you ever revenged before. You go Liam Neeson on the cunt and make him regret the day he ever flaked out. How?
Nobody can resist the crumbliest flakiest chocolate. Gift basket full of em. Just make sure you contaminate them arsenic."
I wholeheartedly agree with this  |
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"I can’t get out of bed P, it’s so snuggly and warm...but there are things to do! Help me!  "
Go on the meets section (aka status updates) you could have 20 perverts within 10 mins. Just leave a to do list on your front step, lock yourself in your bedroom and all your jobs will be done within an hour.
Toss some used undies out the bedroom window for them to sniff as their reward.
|
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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago
London |
"I can’t get out of bed P, it’s so snuggly and warm...but there are things to do! Help me!
Go on the meets section (aka status updates) you could have 20 perverts within 10 mins. Just leave a to do list on your front step, lock yourself in your bedroom and all your jobs will be done within an hour.
Toss some used undies out the bedroom window for them to sniff as their reward.
"
Bingo! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Dear Peaches, I met a lovely young Moroccan guy on line; despite the 35 year age gap he said he wanted to marry me (blush). I sent him the air fare so we could be married on Valentine’s Day, but he hasn’t turned up yet! Do you think I should cancel the wedding? |
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"Dear Peaches, I met a lovely young Moroccan guy on line; despite the 35 year age gap he said he wanted to marry me (blush). I sent him the air fare so we could be married on Valentine’s Day, but he hasn’t turned up yet! Do you think I should cancel the wedding? "
Just postpone for 2 weeks. Today is the first day of having to quarantine for a fortnight in a hotel when arriving in the country, he's surely stuck in a hotel unable to make the wedding.
Send him some more money so he can treat himself to a take away each night he's stranded in the hotel, and an extra £40 to connect to the hotel WiFi.
Poor bugger |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Peaches, I met a lovely young Moroccan guy on line; despite the 35 year age gap he said he wanted to marry me (blush). I sent him the air fare so we could be married on Valentine’s Day, but he hasn’t turned up yet! Do you think I should cancel the wedding?
Just postpone for 2 weeks. Today is the first day of having to quarantine for a fortnight in a hotel when arriving in the country, he's surely stuck in a hotel unable to make the wedding.
Send him some more money so he can treat himself to a take away each night he's stranded in the hotel, and an extra £40 to connect to the hotel WiFi.
Poor bugger "
Thank you! I feel much better now! |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
Aunty P, a delight to read you as always.
I have a number of issues currently that I require your help with, if you'd be so kind.
1) I appear to have gotten myself all of a dither over a pair of shoes. Not just any shoes. These are amazing shoes. But sadly I can only afford them if i withhold food from myself and the dog until about April. I need reassurance I've chosen the right path.
2) I may have had a little too much "me" time yesterday, and appear to have a dehydration headache and a sore *ahem* "saddle region". Is there an instant cure for both that doesn't involve me moving?
3) I went to the loo earlier and the knitted lady on the toilet paper was watching me again. Am I losing my mind or is there a soul trapped inside her?
Thanks Aunty. |
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"Dear Aunty P.
My first problem is myself. I have started a running prog......... I love it..... but FUCK ME, other people live around here and here's the prob......
I won't run while there is anyone there I haven't worked it out yet..... maybe i feel like an imposter cos I don't have the gear or the body ....
Do I put two fingers up or vampire hiss at them OR grow the fuck up and just run like there's no one there
You purchase a rifle. Strap that fucker to your back and recite the "I don't know but I've been told Eskimo pussy is mighty cold" running songy thingy from Full Metal Jacket whilst you're doing what you enjoy.
Then watch the fear in their eyes.
You aren't an imposter, simply playing a different game."
Thank you Aunty P..... There's gonna be some runnin' funnin' n gunnin goin on in this town! Next problem coming up ......... |
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"Aunty P, a delight to read you as always.
I have a number of issues currently that I require your help with, if you'd be so kind.
1) I appear to have gotten myself all of a dither over a pair of shoes. Not just any shoes. These are amazing shoes. But sadly I can only afford them if i withhold food from myself and the dog until about April. I need reassurance I've chosen the right path.
2) I may have had a little too much "me" time yesterday, and appear to have a dehydration headache and a sore *ahem* "saddle region". Is there an instant cure for both that doesn't involve me moving?
3) I went to the loo earlier and the knitted lady on the toilet paper was watching me again. Am I losing my mind or is there a soul trapped inside her?
Thanks Aunty. "
*1 if said shoes are irregular choice... it's fate I'm afraid. Starvation is the way forth. Lend the dog to a homeless person, it'll probably eat better than it does now
*2 fire brigade silly, tell them you need hosing immediately and ask if they'd be sweeties and bring some glucose tablets too. #hero
3* do not, I repeat do NOT disturb the loo roll lady. All voodoo shizzle crack-a-lacking in them creepy fuckspangles |
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"Dear auntie p.... Why do I make poor life choices? me plus beer equals hangover and noone to pander to my self pitying needs  "
Ahhhh that life long question.
You're a dick.
Welcome to dickville.
It doesn't get better the older you get, you just give less fucks and accept it |
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"Dear Aunty P,
I lack the gorgeous luscious hair I desire and am left with this crap *points at head*.
How do I remedy this?"
Cereal bowl upon ones crown.
Garden shears.
Make yourself a reverse hair jigsaw. |
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"Dear Aunty P,
I lack the gorgeous luscious hair I desire and am left with this crap *points at head*.
How do I remedy this?
Cereal bowl upon ones crown.
Garden shears.
Make yourself a reverse hair jigsaw."
I've currently tied a blouse to my head. Close enough
Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hello Auntie P
Thank you for the help.
I've not given any yet. That says it all really 
love you Cinders."
You helped the other night when I just needed that chat.
Thanks
 |
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Dear Aunty Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
My next problem is other people.
Not ALLLLLLLLLLLLL people you understand. Just the people who incorrectly use the word 'wow' when responding to something they have just read or heard.
They go ..........
Wow just Wow.
See here , P, an entry from The Cambridge , Oxford, Eton Big School of Dictionaries....
used to show surprise and sometimes pleasure:
Wow! Did you make that cake? It looks delicious!
More examples
"Wow!" exclaimed John, "what a fantastic house."
Wow! I wasn't expecting such a great reception.
Wow! What a hat.
A hundred pounds! Wow!
"Wow!" said Alan excitedly.
Yet, people seem to say wow in response to show disagreement with what they read or hear.
Are they so inarticulate that a meaningless fucking 'wow' is all they can muster ?
I say meaningless because it doesn't follow that , 'Wow... just Wow' ....communicates anything to the recipient at all. In fact one could go as far as to say that it indicates a positive agreement when the Wower was attempting to show disproval. What a wowing load of rubbish .....
Shall I care Aunty P..... ? Shall I ? or shall I use this face  in an attempt to show feigned indifference.
Shall I do my natural reaction , which is ...... What ? What ? (shrug )
Please help Aunty P. |
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"Dear Aunty Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
My next problem is other people.
Not ALLLLLLLLLLLLL people you understand. Just the people who incorrectly use the word 'wow' when responding to something they have just read or heard.
They go ..........
Wow just Wow.
See here , P, an entry from The Cambridge , Oxford, Eton Big School of Dictionaries....
used to show surprise and sometimes pleasure:
Wow! Did you make that cake? It looks delicious!
More examples
"Wow!" exclaimed John, "what a fantastic house."
Wow! I wasn't expecting such a great reception.
Wow! What a hat.
A hundred pounds! Wow!
"Wow!" said Alan excitedly.
Yet, people seem to say wow in response to show disagreement with what they read or hear.
Are they so inarticulate that a meaningless fucking 'wow' is all they can muster ?
I say meaningless because it doesn't follow that , 'Wow... just Wow' ....communicates anything to the recipient at all. In fact one could go as far as to say that it indicates a positive agreement when the Wower was attempting to show disproval. What a wowing load of rubbish .....
Shall I care Aunty P..... ? Shall I ? or shall I use this face in an attempt to show feigned indifference.
Shall I do my natural reaction , which is ...... What ? What ? (shrug )
Please help Aunty P. "
When I wow in uckyness it means "whoaaaaaaaa *death stare* obtuse wanker*
Or just imagine them doing jazz hands whilst wowing to get the full sarcaaaaaaaastic effect.
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"Thank you Aunty P.
I just tried the jazz hands cos no one is looking. I mouthed wow too .....
I'll do jazz hands at the next wower I come across. "
Did it feel good Crumpster?
Did you feel cheeky? |
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"Thank you Aunty P.
I just tried the jazz hands cos no one is looking. I mouthed wow too .....
I'll do jazz hands at the next wower I come across.
Did it feel good Crumpster?
Did you feel cheeky? "
I felt rather juvenile....... Can't say I didn't like it |
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"Thank you Aunty P.
I just tried the jazz hands cos no one is looking. I mouthed wow too .....
I'll do jazz hands at the next wower I come across.
Did it feel good Crumpster?
Did you feel cheeky?
I felt rather juvenile....... Can't say I didn't like it "
And that is how I get through day to day |
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"In! Ummm I mean... Help?
I'm cleaning house like a ghostbuster, what's yer issue and make it quick.
I am need of a mood booster, can you help? Please! "
Possibly, go ask Mr Bants if he can put his finger on it.
I'm going to hell. |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
"In! Ummm I mean... Help?
I'm cleaning house like a ghostbuster, what's yer issue and make it quick.
I am need of a mood booster, can you help? Please!
Possibly, go ask Mr Bants if he can put his finger on it.
I'm going to hell."
|
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"In! Ummm I mean... Help?
I'm cleaning house like a ghostbuster, what's yer issue and make it quick.
I am need of a mood booster, can you help? Please!
Possibly, go ask Mr Bants if he can put his finger on it.
I'm going to hell."
Should not laugh... Should not laugh...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why do I keep thinking I’ve been on this site before??
I keep having the same thoughts "
Sorry to burst in to this thread....
Just spotted you are back, hello my lovely and welcome back.
Her x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In! Ummm I mean... Help?
I'm cleaning house like a ghostbuster, what's yer issue and make it quick.
I am need of a mood booster, can you help? Please!
Possibly, go ask Mr Bants if he can put his finger on it.
I'm going to hell."
|
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"In! Ummm I mean... Help?
I'm cleaning house like a ghostbuster, what's yer issue and make it quick.
I am need of a mood booster, can you help? Please!
Possibly, go ask Mr Bants if he can put his finger on it.
I'm going to hell.
Should not laugh... Should not laugh... "
I laughed |
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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago
somewhere, someplace |
"In! Ummm I mean... Help?
I'm cleaning house like a ghostbuster, what's yer issue and make it quick.
I am need of a mood booster, can you help? Please!
Possibly, go ask Mr Bants if he can put his finger on it.
I'm going to hell.
Should not laugh... Should not laugh... "
I cackled out loud |
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"Auntie P, my mother is being a dick. She keeps sending bonkers emails that have no basis in fact or anything resembling normality. What do I do?!"
You spam her mailbox with information about care homes for those who are a danger to themselves and others.
And then you get a tin of spam and hit her right between the bastard eyes with it. |
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"Auntie P, my mother is being a dick. She keeps sending bonkers emails that have no basis in fact or anything resembling normality. What do I do?!
You spam her mailbox with information about care homes for those who are a danger to themselves and others.
And then you get a tin of spam and hit her right between the bastard eyes with it."
Should I leave the key thing for the tin in situ, or remove?! |
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"Auntie P, my mother is being a dick. She keeps sending bonkers emails that have no basis in fact or anything resembling normality. What do I do?!
You spam her mailbox with information about care homes for those who are a danger to themselves and others.
And then you get a tin of spam and hit her right between the bastard eyes with it.
Should I leave the key thing for the tin in situ, or remove?! "
Loosen it just enough so it enters her eyeball like the fork in Pirates of the Caribbean |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Valentines schmalentines, pile of sappy wankentines.
Is my bold and shocking poetry better suited to twitter, YouTube or public readings?
Mrs kf x"
Dont you take my name in vain
I'll sue! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Sorry to burst in to this thread....
Just spotted you are back, hello my lovely and welcome back.
Her x
Thank you. X"
Oooh youre back
Don't go away again! |
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"Valentines schmalentines, pile of sappy wankentines.
Is my bold and shocking poetry better suited to twitter, YouTube or public readings?
Mrs kf x
Dont you take my name in vain
I'll sue!"
See you in court, sucker! My poetry will not be silenced!
Mrs kf x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Valentines schmalentines, pile of sappy wankentines.
Is my bold and shocking poetry better suited to twitter, YouTube or public readings?
Mrs kf x
Dont you take my name in vain
I'll sue!
See you in court, sucker! My poetry will not be silenced!
Mrs kf x"
That made me giggle |
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