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I have an allergy to....
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Should and ought to"
"You should be happy" (when clearly you are not and you have good reasons not to)
"You should be ashamed of yourself" (when you do not feel ashamed because you have your reasons not to or think differently from other people)
When have "you shoulds" ever worked with anybody? And how does anybody have the right to tell another person what they should or should not be doing/ feeling/ thinking?
Answers and suggestions below, please 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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- You could..
OR
- Have you tried?
- Some people find it helpful to...
- I'm here for you.
- I'm holding your space.
These are more preferable responses in my view ^^ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Seriously though, should and could are very useful and positive words, unless if course one thinks they've done and seem it all. They're recommendations and possibilities in a big wide world open to exploration  |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
I don't like it when someone asks how I am and I tell them the truth.
They then go on to tell me I should be taking this, or doing that, or book a visit to my GP.
Do they think I'm just sitting here, in pain and whatever because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Seriously though, should and could are very useful and positive words, unless if course one thinks they've done and seem it all. They're recommendations and possibilities in a big wide world open to exploration "
Your first post made me chuckle.
Seriously,if anybody told me "to be ashamed" it would have the opposite effect and I d dig my heels in, I think. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"Seriously though, should and could are very useful and positive words, unless if course one thinks they've done and seem it all. They're recommendations and possibilities in a big wide world open to exploration "
Like people saying you should come to see me after lockdown ends.
Well, I could, if I wanted to, but I don't think I should.
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
" - You could..
OR
- Have you tried?
- Some people find it helpful to...
- I'm here for you.
- I'm holding your space.
These are more preferable responses in my view ^^ "
I agree, they diffuse a situation, don't they? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Seriously though, should and could are very useful and positive words, unless if course one thinks they've done and seem it all. They're recommendations and possibilities in a big wide world open to exploration
Like people saying you should come to see me after lockdown ends.
Well, I could, if I wanted to, but I don't think I should.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't like it when someone asks how I am and I tell them the truth.
They then go on to tell me I should be taking this, or doing that, or book a visit to my GP.
Do they think I'm just sitting here, in pain and whatever because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.
"
It's like telling a smoker about dangers of smoking a little. I'm sure they all know. Just that you don't chose how you feel. |
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As soon as someone says to me "you should read this book" I immediately to off it  .
I find myself though in the unenviable position of having to say "you should" more often to my parents. I try as far as possible to avoid it but they sometimes put themselves directly in harms way and I have to tell them quite forcefully what they "should" do. That's acceptable to me. If it's unacceptable to anyone else I honestly don't care |
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Depends on the tone and context. Sometimes I need a kick up the arse and be told I need to go take a rest. Or my mate will tell me I should go try something in excitement.
Tell me I should xyz because I'm female or due to my age. I wouldn't be amused. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" - You could..
OR
- Have you tried?
- Some people find it helpful to...
- I'm here for you.
- I'm holding your space.
These are more preferable responses in my view ^^ I agree, they diffuse a situation, don't they? "
They let feelings flow calmly, leave room for listening, rather than giving instructions.. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"I don't like it when someone asks how I am and I tell them the truth.
They then go on to tell me I should be taking this, or doing that, or book a visit to my GP.
Do they think I'm just sitting here, in pain and whatever because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.
It's like telling a smoker about dangers of smoking a little. I'm sure they all know. Just that you don't chose how you feel. "
Yes. Smokers are well aware they will be better off not smoking. They don't need us non-smokers telling them they should stop smoking. |
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"I don't like it when someone asks how I am and I tell them the truth.
They then go on to tell me I should be taking this, or doing that, or book a visit to my GP.
Do they think I'm just sitting here, in pain and whatever because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.
"
Especially if they start telling you about some wonder cure they've seen on YouTube |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Depends on the tone and context. Sometimes I need a kick up the arse and be told I need to go take a rest. Or my mate will tell me I should go try something in excitement.
Tell me I should xyz because I'm female or due to my age. I wouldn't be amused. "
Being told "I should" invariably gets my back up -unless said in a kindly, caring manner. And if they bring in because I am female... well, that is just dynamite |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't like it when someone asks how I am and I tell them the truth.
They then go on to tell me I should be taking this, or doing that, or book a visit to my GP.
Do they think I'm just sitting here, in pain and whatever because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.
Especially if they start telling you about some wonder cure they've seen on YouTube "
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"I don't like it when someone asks how I am and I tell them the truth.
They then go on to tell me I should be taking this, or doing that, or book a visit to my GP.
Do they think I'm just sitting here, in pain and whatever because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.
Especially if they start telling you about some wonder cure they've seen on YouTube "
Or something their nan swears by. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think there’s a big difference between behaviour and feelings.
Feelings are personal to us and I’d agree it’s not helpful to tell others what they should or shouldn’t feel.
But someone’s behaviour may be very destructive to others or even criminal and in that case I would tell them they shouldn’t do it. Of course this usually goes down badly but that’s on them, not me. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I don't like it when someone asks how I am and I tell them the truth.
They then go on to tell me I should be taking this, or doing that, or book a visit to my GP.
Do they think I'm just sitting here, in pain and whatever because I can't be arsed to do anything about it.
Especially if they start telling you about some wonder cure they've seen on YouTube "
Oh my.... from wonder cures, miracle aids to conspiracy theories and suddenly emerging pandemy experts... I think I am allergic to YouYube as well. |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"Depends on the tone and context. Sometimes I need a kick up the arse and be told I need to go take a rest. Or my mate will tell me I should go try something in excitement.
Tell me I should xyz because I'm female or due to my age. I wouldn't be amused.
Being told "I should" invariably gets my back up -unless said in a kindly, caring manner. And if they bring in because I am female... well, that is just dynamite "
I sometimes say to people You should try a certain food. Mostly because it's similar to something they like. That's more a suggestion than an order though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do you think these people mean to upset you or make your feel bad with such words?
My "should" if you "could" would be to try not to think on the words too hard and let it go if you can and focus on their motive rather than the detail of their specific word choice |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"I think there’s a big difference between behaviour and feelings.
Feelings are personal to us and I’d agree it’s not helpful to tell others what they should or shouldn’t feel.
But someone’s behaviour may be very destructive to others or even criminal and in that case I would tell them they shouldn’t do it. Of course this usually goes down badly but that’s on them, not me."
I guess thee is a fine line between when an intervention can bring about a helpful outcome? |
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"Depends on the tone and context. Sometimes I need a kick up the arse and be told I need to go take a rest. Or my mate will tell me I should go try something in excitement.
Tell me I should xyz because I'm female or due to my age. I wouldn't be amused.
Being told "I should" invariably gets my back up -unless said in a kindly, caring manner. And if they bring in because I am female... well, that is just dynamite
I sometimes say to people You should try a certain food. Mostly because it's similar to something they like. That's more a suggestion than an order though."
Exactly one of my mates will say you should try this restaurant I think you'll like it pre covid. I don't think should is necessarily an order |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Do you think these people mean to upset you or make your feel bad with such words?
My "should" if you "could" would be to try not to think on the words too hard and let it go if you can and focus on their motive rather than the detail of their specific word choice "
I think for me personally, it is probably when I believe there is a judgmental attitude behind the statement if that makes sense? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Do you think these people mean to upset you or make your feel bad with such words?
My "should" if you "could" would be to try not to think on the words too hard and let it go if you can and focus on their motive rather than the detail of their specific word choice I think for me personally, it is probably when I believe there is a judgmental attitude behind the statement if that makes sense? "
Totally, I have family like that - they insist I must try or do certain things when I've clearly said several times it's not my style or not of interest. I think they do this almost in order to validate their own choice to do these things  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Do you think these people mean to upset you or make your feel bad with such words?
My "should" if you "could" would be to try not to think on the words too hard and let it go if you can and focus on their motive rather than the detail of their specific word choice I think for me personally, it is probably when I believe there is a judgmental attitude behind the statement if that makes sense? "
Aren’t there circumstances where we ‘should’ be judgmental though, to prevent hurt or harm ? Of course context is everything but I hope most of us could recognise obvious examples where some intervention was justified. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you think these people mean to upset you or make your feel bad with such words?
My "should" if you "could" would be to try not to think on the words too hard and let it go if you can and focus on their motive rather than the detail of their specific word choice I think for me personally, it is probably when I believe there is a judgmental attitude behind the statement if that makes sense?
Totally, I have family like that - they insist I must try or do certain things when I've clearly said several times it's not my style or not of interest. I think they do this almost in order to validate their own choice to do these things "
One day I'm gonna tell my dad he should try fab swingers, because I like it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Do you think these people mean to upset you or make your feel bad with such words?
My "should" if you "could" would be to try not to think on the words too hard and let it go if you can and focus on their motive rather than the detail of their specific word choice I think for me personally, it is probably when I believe there is a judgmental attitude behind the statement if that makes sense?
Totally, I have family like that - they insist I must try or do certain things when I've clearly said several times it's not my style or not of interest. I think they do this almost in order to validate their own choice to do these things
One day I'm gonna tell my dad he should try fab swingers, because I like it "
Does he look like you?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You should pack your things and leave because he might kill you next time.
"
Whilst not knowing, that statistically ( ) you are at most risk when you leave...
X |
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