FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Allowances?
Allowances?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Should we make allowances for people when we're communicating? Quite often I find I'm talking and then someone might get offended about something because of their own personal experience or outlook that I'm not necessarily aware of - how do you overcome that shiz without losing free expression?
Like if you don't MEAN to offend but somehow you DO offend - is it just as bad as meaning to offend and who's fault is it, the offender or the offendee?
Be interested to hear some thoughts?
Keep it friendly and try not to offend or take offence unnecessarily if you can avoid it. I hope this thread doesn't offend anyone.
I'm aiming for seven responses with this thread so bear that in mind too please  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good  |
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I believe if there's no offence meant, but it can be accepted that offence has been caused and an open discussion can take place, then that's a good thing.
It opens both sides up to differing perspectives and gives us the opportunity to learn.
I've said things before that have caused offence, I'm far from innocent there, but learning why and how it happened can give you better skills to deal with the world and individuals. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dunno but half the time I take offence if I read something or see something that offends me...usually it's not for my sake. I take fences for other people....Even if that person doesn't need a fence then I'll take it for them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good "
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Nobody has the right to not be offended. I don’t agree with everything everyone says, but letting it get to me is a choice x"
Makes sense to me. Totally not offended by that  x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less?"
Just keep taking the fences boss, it's all you can do to move forward. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less?"
I guess all you can do is take on board if something in particular offends someone that badly. But if your constantly apologising, your probably trying to 'fit' in with the wrong people. |
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Messages in email or text are open to be misconstrued by the recipient. I try to gauge conversation and if the think a comment may be open to potential offence I may explain it in such a way as to hopefully not offend |
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less?"
Are you finding that people are taking offence a lot then? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I believe if there's no offence meant, but it can be accepted that offence has been caused and an open discussion can take place, then that's a good thing.
It opens both sides up to differing perspectives and gives us the opportunity to learn.
I've said things before that have caused offence, I'm far from innocent there, but learning why and how it happened can give you better skills to deal with the world and individuals."
So offence being taken is ok as long as folk can respect each other? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think if you're consistently offending then you need to look at what you're saying."
Not so much constantly, just that it does happen occasionally I think for most people, so if there's a way to avoid it or reduce its impact, then I was keen for suggestions x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less?
Just keep taking the fences boss, it's all you can do to move forward."
Do you ever just think "fuck it!" and build a wall?  |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
If you're genuinely unaware that someone would take offence at something then I don't see how you could, or even should, make allowances.
Even if someone is offended by your view (and putting aside views that are generally held to be offensive such as racism or sexism), if you genuinely hold that view to be what you believe I'm still not sure any kind of apology or allowance needs to be made - it's a difference of opinion after all, and your opinion is just as valid as theirs.
Yes, have a discussion or even a debate about it and try and understand each others perspectives but doesn't necessarily mean you need to alter your perspective or opinion, especially not in a climate where some seem to take offence at the slightest thing. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"to make people think sometimes you have to offend"
Make? Isn't that a bit....
I'd rather ask and let them think for themselves personally? I hope that doesn't offend |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less?
I guess all you can do is take on board if something in particular offends someone that badly. But if your constantly apologising, your probably trying to 'fit' in with the wrong people."
Shouldn't we all fit in? |
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"I believe if there's no offence meant, but it can be accepted that offence has been caused and an open discussion can take place, then that's a good thing.
It opens both sides up to differing perspectives and gives us the opportunity to learn.
I've said things before that have caused offence, I'm far from innocent there, but learning why and how it happened can give you better skills to deal with the world and individuals.
So offence being taken is ok as long as folk can respect each other? "
Yes. If I said something and someone got offended I have to accept my role in that. I said it. I'd like them to give me the opportunity to explain my intentions as much as I'd like them to take the opportunity to tell me their side. We should respect that people have led different lives with different experiences which lead them to where they are today. Dismissing someones feelings is like dismissing their past and that's narrow minded and utterly unfair.
Nothing is to say you have to be friends afterwards, it's all a learning curve and a reminder. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Messages in email or text are open to be misconstrued by the recipient. I try to gauge conversation and if the think a comment may be open to potential offence I may explain it in such a way as to hopefully not offend "
I'm shit on text. I often ask people to call or even better face to face discussion and things get sorted in a jiffy |
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"I think if you're consistently offending then you need to look at what you're saying.
Not so much constantly, just that it does happen occasionally I think for most people, so if there's a way to avoid it or reduce its impact, then I was keen for suggestions x"
Ok. It's part of interaction, if you discuss even remotely controversial subjects someone will take offence.
I used to work with a woman who was so terrified of causing offence that I'd get texts from her in the middle of the night apologising for something she'd said during the day. I usually didn't even remember the conversation. The funny thing was that she frequently said highly offensive (to me) things that she considered were perfectly ok. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less?
Are you finding that people are taking offence a lot then?"
Not with me personally. It's more an observation generally of late, maybe its just covid frustration etc? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is a regular poster that I regularly disagree with on the forums however we both have a mutual respect for eath other and are very friendly and supportive in private messages.
It is OK to disagree it is not OK to resort to nasty comments or personal slurs or attacks if someone disagrees with you or is offended by what you said. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you're genuinely unaware that someone would take offence at something then I don't see how you could, or even should, make allowances.
Even if someone is offended by your view (and putting aside views that are generally held to be offensive such as racism or sexism), if you genuinely hold that view to be what you believe I'm still not sure any kind of apology or allowance needs to be made - it's a difference of opinion after all, and your opinion is just as valid as theirs.
Yes, have a discussion or even a debate about it and try and understand each others perspectives but doesn't necessarily mean you need to alter your perspective or opinion, especially not in a climate where some seem to take offence at the slightest thing."
I agree with all of that. Maybe people are just more stressy lately because of circumstances? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's so hard to gauge humour, irony, sarcasm in written text, OP, when you'd spot it in an instant from body language/facial expressions.
I guess I make allowances on that basis, and hope others would do the same. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I believe if there's no offence meant, but it can be accepted that offence has been caused and an open discussion can take place, then that's a good thing.
It opens both sides up to differing perspectives and gives us the opportunity to learn.
I've said things before that have caused offence, I'm far from innocent there, but learning why and how it happened can give you better skills to deal with the world and individuals.
So offence being taken is ok as long as folk can respect each other?
Yes. If I said something and someone got offended I have to accept my role in that. I said it. I'd like them to give me the opportunity to explain my intentions as much as I'd like them to take the opportunity to tell me their side. We should respect that people have led different lives with different experiences which lead them to where they are today. Dismissing someones feelings is like dismissing their past and that's narrow minded and utterly unfair.
Nothing is to say you have to be friends afterwards, it's all a learning curve and a reminder."
Tru dat!
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"There will always be someone who is offended. Don't mean you should alter yourself for their benefit. Aslong as your not being deliberately offensive, your good
That's what I tend to believe is the right approach, but people are so different and so easily offended - what can a person do to fit in better and offend less?
Are you finding that people are taking offence a lot then?
Not with me personally. It's more an observation generally of late, maybe its just covid frustration etc? "
Maybe it is. What do you mean by taking offence though? I think disagreeing is fine. |
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We also need to remember with the written word, tone doesn't come across. Sometimes that's where being very clear explaining what you mean and why can be hugely beneficial in creating understanding. |
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"There is a regular poster that I regularly disagree with on the forums however we both have a mutual respect for eath other and are very friendly and supportive in private messages.
It is OK to disagree it is not OK to resort to nasty comments or personal slurs or attacks if someone disagrees with you or is offended by what you said."
Exactly. Every single person would do well to remember this, everyone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We also need to remember with the written word, tone doesn't come across. Sometimes that's where being very clear explaining what you mean and why can be hugely beneficial in creating understanding. "
The other thing is we assume Everyone has the same cognitive understanding and ability. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think if you're consistently offending then you need to look at what you're saying.
Not so much constantly, just that it does happen occasionally I think for most people, so if there's a way to avoid it or reduce its impact, then I was keen for suggestions x
Ok. It's part of interaction, if you discuss even remotely controversial subjects someone will take offence.
I used to work with a woman who was so terrified of causing offence that I'd get texts from her in the middle of the night apologising for something she'd said during the day. I usually didn't even remember the conversation. The funny thing was that she frequently said highly offensive (to me) things that she considered were perfectly ok."
Haha, this is the thing - folk don't know they're offending!  Sounds like you didn't you didn't actually take offence externally though - that's a life skill! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There is a regular poster that I regularly disagree with on the forums however we both have a mutual respect for eath other and are very friendly and supportive in private messages.
It is OK to disagree it is not OK to resort to nasty comments or personal slurs or attacks if someone disagrees with you or is offended by what you said."
I do agree with that Lorna, but then should we respect others who don't agree with our thoughts on that? Maybe respect might just be to ignore and not jump in on their hate spiral, let it die out on its own for their and our sake? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would much prefer someone was themselves and risked offending me, than be sycophantic x"
Sucking up is usually pretty transparent unless they're a pro at it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You ARE a bit offensive. Innit.
You are a useless friend who has stopped sending me nudes and I'm OFFENDED! "
Wow. Glad I didn't read that yesterday when I was sad. I know I know. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's so hard to gauge humour, irony, sarcasm in written text, OP, when you'd spot it in an instant from body language/facial expressions.
I guess I make allowances on that basis, and hope others would do the same. "
I think that's a very important point, and although I'm aware of it I think I can sometimes forget it  |
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"I think if you're consistently offending then you need to look at what you're saying.
Not so much constantly, just that it does happen occasionally I think for most people, so if there's a way to avoid it or reduce its impact, then I was keen for suggestions x
Ok. It's part of interaction, if you discuss even remotely controversial subjects someone will take offence.
I used to work with a woman who was so terrified of causing offence that I'd get texts from her in the middle of the night apologising for something she'd said during the day. I usually didn't even remember the conversation. The funny thing was that she frequently said highly offensive (to me) things that she considered were perfectly ok.
Haha, this is the thing - folk don't know they're offending! Sounds like you didn't you didn't actually take offence externally though - that's a life skill! "
I very rarely take offence, I have to care very much about a person before something they said or did would offend me and the people I care about wouldn't deliberately set out to do that.
Otherwise if someone disagrees with me I'm not offended. If they say something about me that isn't true I don't care, if it is true, well, what's to be offended about? The exception to this is it they insult someone I love, then they'd better watch out! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is a regular poster that I regularly disagree with on the forums however we both have a mutual respect for eath other and are very friendly and supportive in private messages.
It is OK to disagree it is not OK to resort to nasty comments or personal slurs or attacks if someone disagrees with you or is offended by what you said.
I do agree with that Lorna, but then should we respect others who don't agree with our thoughts on that? Maybe respect might just be to ignore and not jump in on their hate spiral, let it die out on its own for their and our sake?"
I don't think it's wrong to challenge someone who you think is either being offensive or has an offensive viewpoint for example somebody who was openly racist.
I do think It is perfectly respectable To tell that person why you disagree with them and To say that you find there views offensive. What isn't acceptable is to call people names because you don't agree with them or to make assumption about their character based on one post or option. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes I do think we need to make allowances, but it is such a personal thing and the only thing we can do is use our brains and try to have an open mind.
I always try to put myself in someone's shoes if I manage to offend them and plenty of times I manage to see it from their point of view and I'm happy to say sorry, take something from it and think twice in the future.
But sometimes, people do get offended over absolutely nothing, and you've just got to accept that they probably think you're a massive bellend... but that's just how the world works baby.
I say this with love from the number 3 top forumite. And people got offended over that which was stupid because it ruined my moment. But I am one of Fabs finest so I don't blame them for being jealous haters.
 |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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"It's so hard to gauge humour, irony, sarcasm in written text, OP, when you'd spot it in an instant from body language/facial expressions.
I guess I make allowances on that basis, and hope others would do the same. "
Yes, I'm much the same. Language is so nuanced and subjective, what might cause offence to another, someone wouldn't bat an eyelid at. I think that's why I'd rather opt for phone/video/f2f conversations when I know it's a subject that might cause offence/hurt to another - it's far easier for a person to understand you when your tone is clear and less open to misinterpretation. In turn, I'm more likely to truly listen to them - I know that the written word can only convey so much of a person's view.
As far as causing offence on here goes? Undoubtedly at times I have before, I can be rather sharp (although I'm now a lot more mellow and deliberately avoid anything that's too much like the old Meli!) when I disagree vehemently on a subject.
What I don't do is resort to ad hominem attacks but people do/can take offence at the fact you disagree with their opinion. Opinions are very fragile, personal things judging by responses on here at times and to have that challenged is almost seen as a slight on their character which is daft but I do understand why it happens. If I don't understand something, rather than leap to offence I ask for clarity.
So perhaps it's on both the offender and the offendee to listen to each other, respect the differences in life experiences*, viewpoints and try and learn. Not to go into a blind rage and cause more hurt from a place of misunderstanding.
*that's not to say I'd be so holier than thou on certain things being discussed.
Fuck I can type a lot. |
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And also..... your relationship with that person.
I'll let some people get away with murder with me, in fact I'll actively encourage the banter.
Someone I don't know though? Someone who's humour I'm unaware of, who's motives and intentions I can't read just yet? Yes, I may react differently. If tho, it was on a thread where piss taking was already happening and someone else joined in, then no, I'd just see it as them joining in. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes I do think we need to make allowances, but it is such a personal thing and the only thing we can do is use our brains and try to have an open mind.
I always try to put myself in someone's shoes if I manage to offend them and plenty of times I manage to see it from their point of view and I'm happy to say sorry, take something from it and think twice in the future.
But sometimes, people do get offended over absolutely nothing, and you've just got to accept that they probably think you're a massive bellend... but that's just how the world works baby.
I say this with love from the number 3 top forumite. And people got offended over that which was stupid because it ruined my moment. But I am one of Fabs finest so I don't blame them for being jealous haters.
"
You calling me a bellend beautiful? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes I do think we need to make allowances, but it is such a personal thing and the only thing we can do is use our brains and try to have an open mind.
I always try to put myself in someone's shoes if I manage to offend them and plenty of times I manage to see it from their point of view and I'm happy to say sorry, take something from it and think twice in the future.
But sometimes, people do get offended over absolutely nothing, and you've just got to accept that they probably think you're a massive bellend... but that's just how the world works baby.
I say this with love from the number 3 top forumite. And people got offended over that which was stupid because it ruined my moment. But I am one of Fabs finest so I don't blame them for being jealous haters.
You calling me a bellend beautiful? "
Yes.
Mwah.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You ARE a bit offensive. Innit.
You are a useless friend who has stopped sending me nudes and I'm OFFENDED!
Wow. Glad I didn't read that yesterday when I was sad. I know I know. "
Knock my green door any time  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes I do think we need to make allowances, but it is such a personal thing and the only thing we can do is use our brains and try to have an open mind.
I always try to put myself in someone's shoes if I manage to offend them and plenty of times I manage to see it from their point of view and I'm happy to say sorry, take something from it and think twice in the future.
But sometimes, people do get offended over absolutely nothing, and you've just got to accept that they probably think you're a massive bellend... but that's just how the world works baby.
I say this with love from the number 3 top forumite. And people got offended over that which was stupid because it ruined my moment. But I am one of Fabs finest so I don't blame them for being jealous haters.
You calling me a bellend beautiful?
Yes.
Mwah. "
* pants going tight * 
(Omg LBC commented on my thread! The actual L. B. C. twice!!!)
* faints * |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's so hard to gauge humour, irony, sarcasm in written text, OP, when you'd spot it in an instant from body language/facial expressions.
I guess I make allowances on that basis, and hope others would do the same.
Yes, I'm much the same. Language is so nuanced and subjective, what might cause offence to another, someone wouldn't bat an eyelid at. I think that's why I'd rather opt for phone/video/f2f conversations when I know it's a subject that might cause offence/hurt to another - it's far easier for a person to understand you when your tone is clear and less open to misinterpretation. In turn, I'm more likely to truly listen to them - I know that the written word can only convey so much of a person's view.
As far as causing offence on here goes? Undoubtedly at times I have before, I can be rather sharp (although I'm now a lot more mellow and deliberately avoid anything that's too much like the old Meli!) when I disagree vehemently on a subject.
What I don't do is resort to ad hominem attacks but people do/can take offence at the fact you disagree with their opinion. Opinions are very fragile, personal things judging by responses on here at times and to have that challenged is almost seen as a slight on their character which is daft but I do understand why it happens. If I don't understand something, rather than leap to offence I ask for clarity.
So perhaps it's on both the offender and the offendee to listen to each other, respect the differences in life experiences*, viewpoints and try and learn. Not to go into a blind rage and cause more hurt from a place of misunderstanding.
*that's not to say I'd be so holier than thou on certain things being discussed.
Fuck I can type a lot."
I was about to go to bed but then I saw your reply and you kept me up a couple of minutes more. I'm glad you did - wise words as always and very true my lovely
(still waiting for that kissing tribute btw ) |
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There is nothing offensive about experiencing emotions in response to a heartfelt and emotive statement . If that statement is aimed at eliciting an emotive response , you can choose whether your response is partly facilitated by the person . Sometimes i think people make deliberately provocative staments in order to trigger outrage or offense by those they wish to scapegoat as “snowflakes “ ,”do gooders” politically correct,” or as is most current,” woke”. we all know these terms , and who they are aimed squarely at! the question is whether the fight is one of free speech or the manipulation of those who promote equality as extremist,totalitarian or tree hugging fantasists dreaming of a magic money tree! Hope this helps, from a tree hugging commie! X |
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