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When has "pull yourself together" ever
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
helped the person who was sad and in need of a friend?
I don't think it helps at all and if anything makes the person suffering feel even worse as they don't feel heard.
What is a more helpful thing to say to somebody in need? |
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"helped the person who was sad and in need of a friend?
I don't think it helps at all and if anything makes the person suffering feel even worse as they don't feel heard.
What is a more helpful thing to say to somebody in need?"
I completely agree and think that listening to somebody in need is more important than saying anything. |
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Its more a thing guys say to each other , but as you get older you realise its an utter horseshit statement.
I was guilty of saying it myself in the past , but never again.
It does make you 10 times worse and makes you realise who your true friends are , especially the last year or so  |
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It’s a bit like saying “Don’t worry” to someone having a panic attack. Wow, if only they’d thought of that 
A good start is to say their feelings are valid, make them feel safe and then listen, really listen to what they say including how they say it and also what they leave out.
Don’t try and think of a solution while they’re talking because that makes it more difficult to listen.
From there you can try and work through a solution, or point them in the direction of people who can.
Stuff like this should be taught like first aid skills |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Surely all this depends on the person though? This is why it's lazy to depend on generic approaches.
I have to say that I've been told in the past to pull myself together and it worked. But I fully accept it wouldn't work for a lot of people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was pretty poorly when i had my son
Full on eclampsia. Fitted in labour
24 hr watch
I was in a pretty bad way
Childs father walked in my hospital room and told me " the nurses are watching you. You need to pull yourself together"
Cue divorce papers
Im not bitter though |
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
You don't have talk, or give advice.
Listening is the best support you can give someone.
Then, if you think you mine able to help, ask them what the need.
If they don't know, then make suggestions, if you have any.
If not, offer help to seek out the help they might need.
Just be there for them.
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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago
East London |
"It’s a bit like saying “Don’t worry” to someone having a panic attack. Wow, if only they’d thought of that
A good start is to say their feelings are valid, make them feel safe and then listen, really listen to what they say including how they say it and also what they leave out.
Don’t try and think of a solution while they’re talking because that makes it more difficult to listen.
From there you can try and work through a solution, or point them in the direction of people who can.
Stuff like this should be taught like first aid skills "
Now I can help with panic attacks. I'm an old hand at dealing with them. |
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"Surely all this depends on the person though? This is why it's lazy to depend on generic approaches.
I have to say that I've been told in the past to pull myself together and it worked. But I fully accept it wouldn't work for a lot of people. "
Yeah, defo wouldn't work for me. I've had a breakdown in the past so I'm well aware that I wasn't "together" at the time. If someone said that to me now I've one of 2 brain responses...
A) Well aren't you a cunt
B) shit, if I'm not together I must be having another breakdown but I don't realise... fuuuuck, oh god, oh god... I'm gonna have to go get myself sectioned coz this must be BAD. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s a bit like saying “Don’t worry” to someone having a panic attack. Wow, if only they’d thought of that
A good start is to say their feelings are valid, make them feel safe and then listen, really listen to what they say including how they say it and also what they leave out.
Don’t try and think of a solution while they’re talking because that makes it more difficult to listen.
From there you can try and work through a solution, or point them in the direction of people who can.
Stuff like this should be taught like first aid skills "
Perfectly put  and totally agree with the don't worry statement especially. I've had this said to me, other than making me want to shut the person up, it certainly doesn't help. |
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"Surely all this depends on the person though? This is why it's lazy to depend on generic approaches.
I have to say that I've been told in the past to pull myself together and it worked. But I fully accept it wouldn't work for a lot of people. "
True, and part of the listing to someone is to see what works.
However with the statistical sample size of one, we don’t know if you’d have reacted even better with a different approach. Glad you got effective help though - that’s the important bit |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s a bit like saying “Don’t worry” to someone having a panic attack. Wow, if only they’d thought of that
A good start is to say their feelings are valid, make them feel safe and then listen, really listen to what they say including how they say it and also what they leave out.
Don’t try and think of a solution while they’re talking because that makes it more difficult to listen.
From there you can try and work through a solution, or point them in the direction of people who can.
Stuff like this should be taught like first aid skills "
We have mental health first aiders at work.
Not a chance in hell I'd speak to them but in other locations I'm sure they will be helpful. |
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"It’s a bit like saying “Don’t worry” to someone having a panic attack. Wow, if only they’d thought of that
A good start is to say their feelings are valid, make them feel safe and then listen, really listen to what they say including how they say it and also what they leave out.
Don’t try and think of a solution while they’re talking because that makes it more difficult to listen.
From there you can try and work through a solution, or point them in the direction of people who can.
Stuff like this should be taught like first aid skills
We have mental health first aiders at work.
Not a chance in hell I'd speak to them but in other locations I'm sure they will be helpful. "
They’d just give you a number for someone who can help. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm quite pragmatic and practical
I've never been a 'there, there' type
I'm more 'right, this is what we can do'
I am not very emotional
Emotions don't get shit done |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Surely all this depends on the person though? This is why it's lazy to depend on generic approaches.
I have to say that I've been told in the past to pull myself together and it worked. But I fully accept it wouldn't work for a lot of people.
True, and part of the listing to someone is to see what works.
However with the statistical sample size of one, we don’t know if you’d have reacted even better with a different approach. Glad you got effective help though - that’s the important bit "
How could I have reacted even better? |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Wow some really great suggestions, thank you!
Personally, I think the first thing would always be to acknowledge the other person's mood/ distress. I think that is pretty universal perhaps.
After that, I would likely ask what they thought they should do, what would help. It may sound trivial but sometimes people find their own solutions pretty quickly. A bit like looking at themselves in a mirror. Does not work for everybody, of course.
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"Surely all this depends on the person though? This is why it's lazy to depend on generic approaches.
I have to say that I've been told in the past to pull myself together and it worked. But I fully accept it wouldn't work for a lot of people.
True, and part of the listing to someone is to see what works.
However with the statistical sample size of one, we don’t know if you’d have reacted even better with a different approach. Glad you got effective help though - that’s the important bit
How could I have reacted even better? "
I’ve no idea of anything about your situation, but for others it might be quicker or with less difficulty in dealing with the fallout?
As I said, this isn’t specifically about you, just a general discussion. It’s definitely not about making light of whatever happened to you or what helped you through - I’m glad it worked |
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Personally I've have little choice but to say this to myself, put my big girl pants on & get on with what needs doing regardless of how I feel because there is no one to do it apart from me.
I gave up relying on others to pull me out of holes years ago, I just learned to climb instead. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally I've have little choice but to say this to myself, put my big girl pants on & get on with what needs doing regardless of how I feel because there is no one to do it apart from me.
I gave up relying on others to pull me out of holes years ago, I just learned to climb instead. "
I've done the same at various times in my life, but each time I burnt out and ended up incredibly Ill. It's ok to force yourself onwards to a degree, but it's also important to recognise where that breaking point is. |
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Okay didn't answer the question...more helpful thing to say...
your allowed to feel like this, got through the emotions,
figure out why if you can by asking why you feel this way, what upset you,
make a plan to change it/express/seek help or what it is you need
start small, something silly like making the bed every morning,& there you've achieved at least one that day 
Don't beat yourself up for being human, humans feel.
It's only robots that don't. |
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"Personally I've have little choice but to say this to myself, put my big girl pants on & get on with what needs doing regardless of how I feel because there is no one to do it apart from me.
I gave up relying on others to pull me out of holes years ago, I just learned to climb instead.
I've done the same at various times in my life, but each time I burnt out and ended up incredibly Ill. It's ok to force yourself onwards to a degree, but it's also important to recognise where that breaking point is."
I get you, I've been pretty bad but always seem to find drive from somewhere (probably my kids) to sort myself out...I'm petrified of the likes of social work & police though...because of threats made in the past by them purely because I am different & don't conform to 'normal' societal rules due to my ADHD. I don't really have another choice but to, I can't get rid of my adhd. |
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"Trained counsellor here. Don’t talk just listen. They’ll tell you what they need and it’s very much based on the individual  "
Wait, you read Fab with a trained eye? 
What the hell must you be thinking?! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Totally untrained listener here. I've been surprised the number of ladies that have opened up to me on here, and not at all in the way I imagined!
That said, I have made a few friends along the way and if it helps them it's all good. It's always easier to talk through someone else's troubles than your own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Allow them to talk
Repeat back to them occasionally what they have said (it confirms that your actively listening)
Don't give solutions but steer them into thinking for themselves. Know they're being listened to actively makes them feel better and more able to see what the problem is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Trained counsellor here. Don’t talk just listen. They’ll tell you what they need and it’s very much based on the individual
Wait, you read Fab with a trained eye?
What the hell must you be thinking?! "
She's researching for some bloke called Sid.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally I've have little choice but to say this to myself, put my big girl pants on & get on with what needs doing regardless of how I feel because there is no one to do it apart from me.
I gave up relying on others to pull me out of holes years ago, I just learned to climb instead.
I've done the same at various times in my life, but each time I burnt out and ended up incredibly Ill. It's ok to force yourself onwards to a degree, but it's also important to recognise where that breaking point is.
I get you, I've been pretty bad but always seem to find drive from somewhere (probably my kids) to sort myself out...I'm petrified of the likes of social work & police though...because of threats made in the past by them purely because I am different & don't conform to 'normal' societal rules due to my ADHD. I don't really have another choice but to, I can't get rid of my adhd."
I have autism and burnt out because I tried to force myself to function 'normally' becauseI because I had no other choice. It was a disaster. The support I received from prevention services and adult social care was brilliant. Child protection weren't ever concerned with my children's wellbeing. Being neurodivergant doesn't equate to 'bad parent'. Police and social services where I am seem to be understanding and supportive. |
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By *vilgasamWoman
over a year ago
The dot in the i |
"helped the person who was sad and in need of a friend?
I don't think it helps at all and if anything makes the person suffering feel even worse as they don't feel heard.
What is a more helpful thing to say to somebody in need?"
I’m here whenever you’re ready and I won’t disappear tomorrow |
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"Personally I've have little choice but to say this to myself, put my big girl pants on & get on with what needs doing regardless of how I feel because there is no one to do it apart from me.
I gave up relying on others to pull me out of holes years ago, I just learned to climb instead.
I've done the same at various times in my life, but each time I burnt out and ended up incredibly Ill. It's ok to force yourself onwards to a degree, but it's also important to recognise where that breaking point is.
I get you, I've been pretty bad but always seem to find drive from somewhere (probably my kids) to sort myself out...I'm petrified of the likes of social work & police though...because of threats made in the past by them purely because I am different & don't conform to 'normal' societal rules due to my ADHD. I don't really have another choice but to, I can't get rid of my adhd.
I have autism and burnt out because I tried to force myself to function 'normally' becauseI because I had no other choice. It was a disaster. The support I received from prevention services and adult social care was brilliant. Child protection weren't ever concerned with my children's wellbeing. Being neurodivergant doesn't equate to 'bad parent'. Police and social services where I am seem to be understanding and supportive. "
No it shouldn't, wasn't diagnosed then and at that I don't live a conventional life at the best of times, I've been told such horrible things that are nothing to do with my ability to parent.
They definitely aren't here, not in my experience, it's their favorite threat to get you to do what they want even if you haven't done nowt wrong & it's a mere misunderstanding. My whole house is adhd so it can get very loud at times & my wee one is great for doing the screaming fits.. that the whole street hears...great fun.
I'll admit the police have been better this year over previous but I think that's partly the adhd support group working with nhs & other services to improve it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sometimes you have to tell people things they don't want to hear in order to help them. That's not saying "pull yourself together" exactly but it can make people think you're unkind. "
This is why I'm not the person who will say I'm always there to listen for others |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn’t say it to another person unless perhaps I was certain they were simply lazy and needed some encouragement. Obviously never to someone with mental health issues.
I do say it to myself and honestly it does help. As others have said, sometimes you can only totally rely on yourself to get out of a bad situation. |
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"Sometimes you have to tell people things they don't want to hear in order to help them. That's not saying "pull yourself together" exactly but it can make people think you're unkind.
This is why I'm not the person who will say I'm always there to listen for others "
No, I'm not either.
I believe real friendship sometimes means you have to say things you'd rather not. |
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In relevance to this thread exactly I decided to contact a " friend " a few minutes back and just said hows lockdown for ya bla bla bla , as soon as I said I need to chat I just got " dont be a twat " .
This male macho bullshit really fucks me off . I've so learnt who real friends are recently  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In relevance to this thread exactly I decided to contact a " friend " a few minutes back and just said hows lockdown for ya bla bla bla , as soon as I said I need to chat I just got " dont be a twat " .
This male macho bullshit really fucks me off . I've so learnt who real friends are recently "
Sometimes friends might be so bogged down with their own struggles that they might not feel able to be a listening ear |
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"In relevance to this thread exactly I decided to contact a " friend " a few minutes back and just said hows lockdown for ya bla bla bla , as soon as I said I need to chat I just got " dont be a twat " .
This male macho bullshit really fucks me off . I've so learnt who real friends are recently
Sometimes friends might be so bogged down with their own struggles that they might not feel able to be a listening ear "
I get that but " dont be a twat " isnt exactly what I expected |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally I've have little choice but to say this to myself, put my big girl pants on & get on with what needs doing regardless of how I feel because there is no one to do it apart from me.
I gave up relying on others to pull me out of holes years ago, I just learned to climb instead.
I've done the same at various times in my life, but each time I burnt out and ended up incredibly Ill. It's ok to force yourself onwards to a degree, but it's also important to recognise where that breaking point is.
I get you, I've been pretty bad but always seem to find drive from somewhere (probably my kids) to sort myself out...I'm petrified of the likes of social work & police though...because of threats made in the past by them purely because I am different & don't conform to 'normal' societal rules due to my ADHD. I don't really have another choice but to, I can't get rid of my adhd.
I have autism and burnt out because I tried to force myself to function 'normally' becauseI because I had no other choice. It was a disaster. The support I received from prevention services and adult social care was brilliant. Child protection weren't ever concerned with my children's wellbeing. Being neurodivergant doesn't equate to 'bad parent'. Police and social services where I am seem to be understanding and supportive.
No it shouldn't, wasn't diagnosed then and at that I don't live a conventional life at the best of times, I've been told such horrible things that are nothing to do with my ability to parent.
They definitely aren't here, not in my experience, it's their favorite threat to get you to do what they want even if you haven't done nowt wrong & it's a mere misunderstanding. My whole house is adhd so it can get very loud at times & my wee one is great for doing the screaming fits.. that the whole street hears...great fun.
I'll admit the police have been better this year over previous but I think that's partly the adhd support group working with nhs & other services to improve it. "
It's awful that you don't get support and understanding for your family's condition. It's bloody hard living in a world that isn't set up for people like us |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sometimes you have to tell people things they don't want to hear in order to help them. That's not saying "pull yourself together" exactly but it can make people think you're unkind. "
I've only had that once, many years ago. A colleague and close friend became anorexic and got dangerously thin. She had treatment & counselling but nothing seemed to work. In the end I told her some truths and made her see what she was doing to herself, and she had never needed to go that route in the first place. I laid it on that if she didn't get her shit together soon she was going to die. As you can imagine she wasn't impressed and wouldn't speak to me for a long time. The good thing is that she did come around and eventually got back to her old self. I still see her from time to time for a hug. |
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This is exactly what I need to hear. I say it to myself a lot, and one of my best friends knows that if I get in touch with a problem then the best thing he can do is to tell me that I'm being a knobhead and to get my act together and think about things logically.
I understand that is an approach that will work with very few people, but conversely none of the suggestions above would help me at all. We all deal with things differently, there's no "one size fits all" approach. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s a bit like saying “Don’t worry” to someone having a panic attack. Wow, if only they’d thought of that
A good start is to say their feelings are valid, make them feel safe and then listen, really listen to what they say including how they say it and also what they leave out.
Don’t try and think of a solution while they’re talking because that makes it more difficult to listen.
From there you can try and work through a solution, or point them in the direction of people who can.
Stuff like this should be taught like first aid skills
We have mental health first aiders at work.
Not a chance in hell I'd speak to them but in other locations I'm sure they will be helpful.
They’d just give you a number for someone who can help."
Problem is, the people who they've picked are the absolute worst gossips in the place. |
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"Sometimes you have to tell people things they don't want to hear in order to help them. That's not saying "pull yourself together" exactly but it can make people think you're unkind. "
I was just thinking this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There are very rare situations where "pull yourself together" or a similar such phrase is the only thing that will work. I have been in such a situation and it worked. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sometimes you have to tell people things they don't want to hear in order to help them. That's not saying "pull yourself together" exactly but it can make people think you're unkind.
This is why I'm not the person who will say I'm always there to listen for others
No, I'm not either.
I believe real friendship sometimes means you have to say things you'd rather not. "
I agree with this. I respond better to that kind of attitude/ response than fluffy stuff. |
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I think there is a difference between people who want to sort their problems out and those who don't.
I will always be there for someone who wants help, and in these situations then listening to them is the best help.
Having spent nearly 15 years trying to help someone who was quite happy in his own misery I don't have the patience for that anymore unfortunately. In this case, pull yourself together is a last resort. |
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I am not always in listening and attending mood, especially when I am dealing with an issue myself. And I think that is ok as well because I know that if I am not in that listening and empathetic mode I would be no use to the other person.
I think it is important to be self aware enough to realise when you can genuinely listen... and when you are not in the right place yourself.
And it's about boundaries, too. I would not welcome a call at 3 am (unless it was a dire emergency). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it all really depends on situation, and who for me. If I think someone is genuinely reaching out, always offer to listen, explain that I may be unable to help, but can at times point in right direction, again depending on the situation. For many, having a stranger to offload on can be a great help.
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"I think it is important to be self aware enough to realise when you can genuinely listen... and when you are not in the right place yourself.
"
I think this is true. Sometimes you don't have the headspace to listen, most days I feel I have an endless capacity to listen to others but sometimes I want to be heard and listened to as well. Those days I'd avoid letting others lean on me too much because it's not fair on either of us.
I wouldn't mind someone telling me to pull myself together if they said it with love. Perhaps not so bluntly, maybe a bit more "Hey Meli, you're being a bit of a twat. Pull yourself together because I care about you and know you're better than this". It does depend a lot on the how/when/who/why it is said though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When used correctly it works, shouting it at someone having a mental breakdown obviously isnt going to work. My old athletics coached used to use it before bits of advice alot. Normally when my technique was off and I was then over trying. I still use the saying in my head as a reset for many different things |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s a bit like saying “Don’t worry” to someone having a panic attack. Wow, if only they’d thought of that
A good start is to say their feelings are valid, make them feel safe and then listen, really listen to what they say including how they say it and also what they leave out.
Don’t try and think of a solution while they’re talking because that makes it more difficult to listen.
From there you can try and work through a solution, or point them in the direction of people who can.
Stuff like this should be taught like first aid skills
We have mental health first aiders at work.
Not a chance in hell I'd speak to them but in other locations I'm sure they will be helpful.
They’d just give you a number for someone who can help.
Problem is, the people who they've picked are the absolute worst gossips in the place. "
Most corporate 'support services' are like that. Mine was when I worked for an organisation. The last person I would go to..
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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Actually a good point... about confidentiality - if somebody asked me to listen to them, it would be confidential unless there was a risk that they or another person (or animal for that matter) came to harm.
If you bare your soul to another person, it is important to know they do not go gossiping. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think the best thing to do, is just listen at first and try to give them some genuine hope. Let them know it's not the end of the world, if you have gone through some really tough times (like I have, especially since I've been in this country) share it with them. Sometimes a person just needs to know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. I've had an extremely tough past few weeks and it has really changed how I view things and especially how I can inspire ppl to never give up.
So yea, that's my 2 cents. |
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Sometimes you need a third party to give you a kick up the arse and your head a wobble.
This has literally happened to me overnight last night ( long story ). Suffice to say the old Grumpy is back and I'm out of my self imposed funk. Fuckin Yay  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The only thing "pull yourself together" achieves is demonstrating who it's not worth being friends with.
For you perhaps, people aren't all the same "
Exactly. I think this thread shows off different things work for different people and in different contexts. For some people, sometimes, this would be an act of real, honest friendship. |
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"helped the person who was sad and in need of a friend?
I don't think it helps at all and if anything makes the person suffering feel even worse as they don't feel heard.
What is a more helpful thing to say to somebody in need?"
See now that's interesting. I'm in a position where I simply cannot 'give in' to my situation and allow my brain to explode so I have someone who, when given a prompt by me, will tell me to get a fucking grip because that's exactly what I need. |
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...and another interesting thing (for me) is I've attempted to read the thread with all the lovely supportive and kind words and suggestions and I've had to stop because it's actually causing feelings of panic.
I've just sent my trigger to my mate so they can verbally slap me back to pretending I'm fine. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
This has been an interesting thread to read.
I, personally, respond better to “pep talk” help. A pull yourself together and let’s try and fix this mentality has been in my family for as long as I can remember and is what I’m used to (thanks to a straight talking Yorkshireman for a grandparent).
So think something like a Rocky training montage (stupid as it sounds).
Nice words and best intentions just turn me into a snivelling wreck, and at the end of the day that doesn’t get shit done. Looking after my mum and kids, that is what gets me through.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the best thing to do, is just listen at first and try to give them some genuine hope. Let them know it's not the end of the world, if you have gone through some really tough times (like I have, especially since I've been in this country) share it with them. Sometimes a person just needs to know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. I've had an extremely tough past few weeks and it has really changed how I view things and especially how I can inspire ppl to never give up.
So yea, that's my 2 cents."
I noticed you hadn't been posting. Hope you are ok. |
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I had a nasty football manager as a kid who would shout and scream at you bearing in mind I was playing for the schools under 15s and I was always nervous playing for him to the point my confidence was shot and I stopped playing for him but on a Saturday when I played for the boys brigade our manager was calm and encouraged us and I found I played better and as I’ve gone through life I’ve always responded better to that approach and not the nasty shouty balling type of pep talk |
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