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Need a laugh. Shittest jokes please

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By *lut and sir OP Couple over a year ago

Northampton

Need a boost today..

Want to hear your very worst groaner jokes. Dad jokes. Distastful jokes and just down right shit ones.

Thanks in advance.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 pubes on a toilet seat

One says “how long you staying here for?”

The other says “till I get pissed off”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

Or is this not the Plaice for eely bad jokes like that?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I put £20 on a horse at 10-1. It came in a quarter past 6

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the one thing a human has in common with a washing machine..

They are both turned on by knobs!

Your welcome

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By *aomilatteCouple over a year ago

Midlands

You gotta hand it to them.....

Ticket collectors

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two monkeys in a bath, one says ‘ooohh ooh ahhh ahhh’ the other monkey says ‘ put some cold in then’!

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By *iss_KateTV/TS over a year ago

Windsor

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

A prostitute can wash her old used crack and re-sell it.

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By *erry bull1Man over a year ago

doncaster

Velcro is a rip off

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By *lut and sir OP Couple over a year ago

Northampton

Hahah ok yhis is sooo much better than i though

Whats brown and sticky? A stick.

What else is brown and sticky? (Me

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By *udistnorthantsMan over a year ago

Desborough

I bought a chicken to make a casserole.......

Lazy fucker just shits all over the kitchen floor.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Had to go to rehab for my sex addiction.

It was a last resort. I’d tried fuc.ing everything.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the lepper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Exists! There on the way out.

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

Corduroy pillow cases. They're making headlines

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s green and smells of bacon?

Kermits finger

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And this from T*itter

A ball gag with a kazoo in it

Smack *voop*

Makes me giggle like an idiot

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By *inaTitzTV/TS over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

From the Twitter of Tony Cowards:

The trouble with getting a job in bomb disposal nowadays is that it’s all about ticking boxes.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What’s green and smells of bacon?

Kermits finger

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70 ?

Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

'attended my first Bulemics Anonymous meeting last night. The venue was pretty small and there were lots of other people already there....

You could say the place was heaving

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Coronavirus, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar at 9:59pm.

The bartender asks "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Coronavirus, the flu, and a common cold walk into a bar at 9:59pm.

The bartender asks "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?""

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you know that an elephants sex organs are in its feet? If it steps on you, you're fucked

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By *azkinsWoman over a year ago

leeds

What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head?

Anita.

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By *KMaxMan over a year ago

Bristol

Awful news coming in that Sean Connery's death was an accident. He was attempting some DIY in his library at home, when a load of books fell on him.

Apparently his dying words were

'I blame my shelf'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The model village in our town burnt down last night...they reckon you could see the flames from 5ft away.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes

I always buy my weapons from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer

Just found out my uncle is addicted to viagra

My aunt has been taking it hard

I visited a friend at their new house, he told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate visitors

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By *omptationMan over a year ago

liverpool

r/dadjokes

For all your bad joke needs

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By *aomilatteCouple over a year ago

Midlands

A very good friend of ours just died from indigestion. We can’t believe Gav is gone.

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By *arker secrets 321Man over a year ago

West Bromwich

How do u know an elephant bin in ur fridge...footprints in the butter lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I like my women like I like my covid 19, breathtaking and easily spread

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

Which knight invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs

A wonky donkey

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By *ermite12ukMan over a year ago

Solihull and Brentwood

I can't help but think, that Will and Kate, have missed a trick, with this name thing:

Elizabeth Paris Mercedes would have been a nice blend of modern and historical, while also being the Cluedo answer for "What happened to Granny?"

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By *lint-EverhardMan over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

Why isn't Michael Jackson very good at playing chess?

Because he's dead!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Husband turns to his wife "I've just brought some Olympic condoms! I'm gonna wear the gold ones!" Wife replies "Why not wear the silver ones and come second for a change..."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What is Forest Gumps password?.... 1Forest1

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s Jimmy Saville and a tortoise got in common? They both like to get their before the hare does.

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By *lut and sir OP Couple over a year ago

Northampton

Truely love some of these. And was just the perking up we needed.

Please say there are more out there lol.

Family driving along in a car.

Dad: look kids. Theres a flock of cows over there.

Kids: herd

Dad: what?

Kids: herd of cows.

Dad: of course ive heard of cows, these a flock of them, right over there

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By *obyn GravesTV/TS over a year ago

1127 walnut avenue

I have a trannie friend from up north..she has a Wigan address..

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

A horse and Celine Dion walk into a bar and the barman says:

Why the long faces?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist Bastard!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

'Blind fella walks into a drum kit.

Fudludamph tish

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By *lut and sir OP Couple over a year ago

Northampton

A man walks into a bar.. says "Ouch"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Whats the one thing a human has in common with a washing machine..

They are both turned on by knobs!

Your welcome

should that not be woman ?

though not even all of them are turned on by knobs

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By *ambozaMan over a year ago

kilburn park

What do you call a 500 pound gorilla with an erection ?

Sir

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By *innie The MinxWoman over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Why does Tigger smell?

He always plays with Pooh

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By *onguesandpunsMan over a year ago

East Midlands

Google Assistant told me this joke today, it's awful:

Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don't work out.

Sorry!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Heard about the mathematician who was aftaid of negative numbers?

He stopped at nothing to avoid them

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

what's ET short for?

because he has wee legs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 packets of crisps walking down the street, taxi pulls up and the driver asks "you want a lift lads" "no" they reply, "we're Walkers"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did my first gig as a stand up comic in an old poeples home

They didn't get my jokes but they still pissed themselves

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You've heard about the jelly babies going to school? They became Smarties!

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By *ealthy_and_HungMan over a year ago

Princes Risborough, Luasanne, Alderney

i spent a few moments wondering why the cricket ball was getting bigger..... then it hit me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Please be kind and look out for your friends and family in these difficult times. I have a friend who is 3ft 10in and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me saying they’re struggling to put food on the table.

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By *r_BigHeadMan over a year ago

The Naughty Step (aka Northampton)

I once met Dwayne Johnson and slapped him on the arse ... I didn't realise it at the time but I had hit Rock bottom

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's it like shagging a sheep?

Not baaad.

What kind of bees give you milk?

Boo-bees.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

I like flags

My favourite is the the Swiss flag, which is a big plus

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What are the three shortest words in the English language?

Is it in?

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check?

Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.

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By *hoknowswhatXXXMan over a year ago

Ilkeston

Which bird gives the best head?

A swallow

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

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By *orraine999Woman over a year ago

Somewhere

"What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!"

but funny

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By *otPrinceHarryMan over a year ago

Glasgow

I've just been to a lovely little place run by some Italians.

It was called... Italy.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What's long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine!

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

How did you quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a d*unk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the d*unk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the d*unk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the d*unk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're d*unk.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?

Rick O’Shea

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

19 and 20 had a fight.. 21

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Always an Irishman in there somewhere.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Coronation Street bosses have confirmed they are going to kill off Jim MacDonald twice in forthcoming episodes.

It's to be sure, to be sure.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

'Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?'

'No darling, pull the chain like everyone else'

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By *wingin CatMan over a year ago

London

"Two monkeys in a bath, one says ‘ooohh ooh ahhh ahhh’ the other monkey says ‘ put some cold in then’!"

I love this!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/01/21 21:52:06]

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By *urtyGentMan over a year ago

eastleigh

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

Wi’ jammin....

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Doctor "I'm afraid it's bad news, your disease is terminal"

Patient "That's terrible. How long before I die?"

Doctor "Five"

Patient "Five what? Weeks? Months? Years?"

Doctor "Four, three, two....."

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By *.R.MMan over a year ago

Norfolk

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something"

I don't like stairs either they are always taking me down

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By *r.SJMan over a year ago

Wellingborough

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress then up as an altar boy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was at an ATM and an old woman asked me to check her balance... So i pushed her over

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

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By *ENGUYMan over a year ago

Hull

There's a plane carrying 5 people when it develops a fault and then engine failure.

The 5 people on board are Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, The Pope, Boris Johnson, and a 10 year old schoolboy.

As the plane is falling to earth, the 5 realise there are only 4 parachutes. Nicola speaks first, "I have to take one, as I've Scotland to look after", takes a 'chute and steps out. The Pope says, " I need one as I've to look after the Catholic Church", grabs a 'chute and steps out.

Trump says, "I'm the smartest man in America, so need one", grabs another and steps out.

Boris says to the schoolboy, "I'm older and have had my life whereas yours is just starting, do you have the last one".

The schoolboy says, "It's ok, we still have two parachutes" and on seeing Boris looking puzzled adds, "the smartest man on America, just took my schoolbag!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A lion a witch and a wardrobe go to a club. The doorman says "None of your names are on the list. Narnia are coming in!"

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By *onguesandpunsMan over a year ago

East Midlands

What do you call a caveman's fart?

A blast from the past!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What bees make the best milk?

BOOB-bees

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By *unichMan over a year ago

I’ve just clicked on a Fab profile photo with a really badly shaved pussy. She must have been d*unk when she did it.

Worst Brazilian I’ve seen since Willian signed for Arsenal.

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By *rystal DreamtimeTV/TS over a year ago

horsham

A tortoise was on its way home one evening when it was attacked and robbed by two snails

Later when asked to describe the incident by the police the tortoise replied

“ I’m not sure , it all happened so fast ! “

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Years ago, I realised my sight wasn't great when I turned on BBC1 and thought they were showing a 1970s hard porn movie.

It turned out to be Rolf Harris eating a banana.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are the Chinese rubbish at cricket?

Because they ate all the bats

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?

Because she kept running away from the ball

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By *arker secrets 321Man over a year ago

West Bromwich

Fastest thing underwater ...frog on a motorbike

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How can you tell a blind man in a nudist camp?

It isn't hard.

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By *avid282Man over a year ago

london

So I was invited to a fancy dress party and decided to go dressed as a small island off the southern coast of Italy. My friend said, ‘Don’t be S’ silly’!

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By *inaTitzTV/TS over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

From Gary Delaney:

You can find out how many pirates are in your area by looking at the R rate.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

And now, a Police warning;

'Look out - the Fuzz!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whats the difference between a pick-pocket and a pervert?

One snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch!

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By *uke olovingmanMan over a year ago

Gravesend

Milk milk lemonade round the back chocolates made

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By *tefe-MartyCouple over a year ago

Cambs

Little girl at a wedding with her mother

She ask why the bride is dressed in white.

The mother quickly replied

It's to show this is the happiest day of her life.

The Little girl thinks for a minute then asks her mother.

Why is the groom dressed in black

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By *lut and sir OP Couple over a year ago

Northampton

Sòoooooooooooo hlad we made this thread. These are epic.

Whats black and floats on water shouting knickers??

Crude oil.

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By *ot-AshMan over a year ago

London

Why do bakers work so much?

Because they need the dough.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you find Will Smith in the snow...

Follow the fresh prints

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By *edhead72Man over a year ago

Cheltenham and Ashby

To wife: my bum hole hurts, what should I do?

Wife: ringsting?

To wife: what the hell will he do???

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a fish with no eyes?.... Fsh

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By *dinMan over a year ago

Birmingham

What do you call a cave man's fart?

A blast from the past!

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By *osco78Man over a year ago

Sheffield

What's a cows favorite activity?

Going to the moooooovies

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce...

Chicken Caesar Salad

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school?... Bison

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

... full up.

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By *utterflyandArtificeCouple over a year ago

Trowbridge

[Removed by poster at 26/01/21 12:42:36]

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By *utterflyandArtificeCouple over a year ago

Trowbridge

A bloke is involved in an horrific accident and wakes up, laying on his back he carefully opens his eyes and moves his head, wiggles his fingers and then his toes. He is relatively pain free.

He then sees stood at the end of his bed, a doctor and his wife.

The doctor says " I am pleased to tell you that you have 99% survived the accident".

The bloke asks what 1% didn't

The doc replies " it's your Penis, it was ripped clean off . But please do not be alarmed; this hospital is the leading hospital in the world for sewing on, and even transplanting penises".

The bloke sits up eyes agog.

The doctor continues" I am sorry to say this service would not be on the NHS. So you will have to pay".

The bloke nods and says " what's the prices?"

The doc answers " well we have a budget cock at £3000, it's 2 inches when it's engorged. Then we have the mid range cock at £5000 which is between 4 and 5 inches when hard, and the deluxe version is called the BBC destroyer which is between 10 and 12 inches hard and as thick as your arm, this is the top of the range and is only £9500. So what do you think?"

The bloke looks at his wife and she says with a huge smile " Doc can you give us a minute?"

The doc leaves the couple to discus it and the returns ten minutes later, where he asks the guy " so have you decided?" And the bloke replies

" we are getting a new kitchen!"

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By *inkytoolMan over a year ago

barnsley

Wife gets a dirty phone call the guy says to her

Have you got a sweaty hairy cunt

She replied yeah just a minute I will go get him he’s washing the car x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

if flying is supposed to be the safest form of travel, why is the airport called The Terminal ?

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By *ilfloversCouple (MM) over a year ago

north west

Bruce Lee's favourite drink

Waterrrrrrrrrr

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By *aomilatteCouple over a year ago

Midlands

The Doctor told the Husband he needed a urine sample and a stool sample. I told him just to leave his pants

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By *ig_eric_tionMan over a year ago

IPSWICH

2 nuns in a bath. One says where's the soap? The other says yes it does doesn't it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

does anyone have a cure for sex addiction

i have tried fucking everything

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a woman in the distance?

Dot.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Johnny Rotten is releasing a version of one Neil Diamonds old hit songs.....You don't bring me flowers anymore you cunt.

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By *og-ManMan over a year ago

somewhere

"Is it true the Oxford vaccine is only 8% effective?"

"Nein"

"Well that's hardly any better"

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By *orello-pieWoman over a year ago

southwest

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

Turned in to a field

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Johnny Rotten is teaming up with Ronnie Barker, so it'll be goodnight from me and fuck off from him.

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By *wingin CatMan over a year ago

London

Two goldfish in a tank. One sid to the other one "How do you drive this thing?".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What you call 1 duck with a drug problem?... Quackhead!

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"2 nuns in a bath. One says where's the soap? The other says yes it does doesn't it.

2 nuns on a bench and a streaker runs past. 1 had a stroke, the other couldn't reach

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Just one, but the light bulb must really want to change

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

"2 nuns in a bath. One says where's the soap? The other says yes it does doesn't it.

2 nuns on a bench and a streaker runs past. 1 had a stroke, the other couldn't reach"

Two nuns riding bicycles on a cobbled road. One says to the other....

I've never come this way before.

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By *oubletroubleCouple over a year ago

South West

what do you call a man with loads of rabbits living in his bum.

Warren...

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By *oubletroubleCouple over a year ago

South West

The definition of agony

A one armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls...

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By *ob Carpe DiemMan over a year ago

Torquay

Two dislexic skiers at the top of the piste arguing about will they zigzag down the slope or zagzig, a guy pulling a sledge passes by so they ask him who is right. Don't ask me says the guy, I'm a tobogganist.

Oh in that case we'll have 20 Marlborough please.

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By *lut and sir OP Couple over a year ago

Northampton

I asked my wife if im the only one she has ever been with,

She said yes, all the others were 8s and 9s.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I asked my wife if im the only one she has ever been with,

She said yes, all the others were 8s and 9s. "

I asked my wife if I was the first man she'd slept with.

She said I would be if I went to sleep.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

What do you give a sick pig?

Oink-ment.

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By *aomilatteCouple over a year ago

Midlands

West Brom just signed two new Chinese strikers

Wewon once

How longsince

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

They say if you want to keep a women treat her as you did on the first date

So after a nice meal a shag in the car I dropped her off back at her mums and went to the pub with the boys

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

* Knock knock

Whose there

* Barbara

Barbara who?

* Barbara black sheep, have you any wool?

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By *lappyMan over a year ago

Manchester

I used to be a mime artist but my works gone quiet

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I used to be indecisive... But i just don't know anymore

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

"I used to be indecisive... But i just don't know anymore "

I used to be a werewolf. But I'm alright naaaaooooowwww!

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

A bear and a rabbit are side by side both having a shit.

The bear says to the rabbit: 'annoying, the shit sticking to your fur though innit?...

The rabbit says: I've never had that problem.

So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit

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By *erDirtyRockstarMan over a year ago

buckinghamshire

My grandad insists I rely too much on technology. So i called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

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By *r.HMan over a year ago

A gentleman never tells

I got a bat and ball for Christmas, the ball is great but the bat is fucking useless, all it does is hang upside down in the airing cupboard.

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By *lut and sir OP Couple over a year ago

Northampton

There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why does the Irishman wear two condoms?

—

To be sure, to be sure

.....

I’ll get my coat!!

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By *hilledGuerillaMan over a year ago

In the monkey house

What’s black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt nun.

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By *igDickSwansMan over a year ago

Swansea City Centre

Whats the difference between a catholic priest and a zit

a zit waits until your 12 to come on your face

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where do you store an old lesbian?

In the licker cabinet.

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By *ohnywrongunMan over a year ago

Epping

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill .....

To get to the bottom

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I went to an archeology party once where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you a man with a seagull on his head.....Cliff

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

Picasso

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you make an Irishman sad?

Murder his family.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/02/21 11:50:44]

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By *he AmbassadorMan over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"How do you make an Irishman sad?

Murder his family. "
you spelt happy wrong

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By *he AmbassadorMan over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

A recently retired guy is out playing golf, on the 17th Tee, 1 shot off the course record, phone rings, it's a Doctor at the local hospital,,

Sir sorry to say but your wife has had an accident she is in a cóma,

Guys debates finishing the round or drop everything and go, in the end he rushes to the hospital where the doctor tells him,

That sometimes receiving Oral sex helps bring people out of a coma,

The guy sits up looks at the Doc and says Really,,

The Doc says Sure I've seen it happen, the guy says OK, I'll give it a go,

So into the room he goes,

The doc and his team wait outside,,

5 minutes later the guy comes back out not looking 2 happy at all,

Looks at the Doc and says

Ffs Doc

Now she is choking,,,,

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

"A bear and a rabbit are side by side both having a shit.

The bear says to the rabbit: 'annoying, the shit sticking to your fur though innit?...

The rabbit says: I've never had that problem.

So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit"

I’ve never understood this joke. Surely it’s imperative to functionality of a satisfactory arse cleansing solution that the shit should stick to the wiping agent thus removing it from the arse.

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I was sat in the waiting room at the doctors yesterday.

The receptionist asked which doctor I’d come to see.

I replied none. I’m just waiting.

I was walking through the cemetery and I passed a guy tending a grave.

Morning I said.

No I work here, he replied.

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By *ostafunMan over a year ago

near ipswich

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she will probably suck it too.

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By *oiluvfunMan over a year ago

Penrith

Two snowmen in a field.

One says to the other “Can you smell carrots?”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man goes into a dry cleaners where a slightly deaf old woman is behind the counter.

'I'd like this pair of trousers dry cleaned' says the man.

'Come again?' asks the woman

The man replies 'No, this time I spilled mayonnaise down them'.

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