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Someone make me laugh
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch."
This is the type of content I’m after!
Anyone got any worse than that? |
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A longer one
Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman turn up at the pearly gates Saint Peter says you have to show me something about Christmas to get in. English flicks his lighter on and says it's a Christmas candle
Peter says excellent and let's him in. Scot gets out his keys jiggles them and says Christmas bells Peter says excellent and lets him in.
Paddy gets out a bra and a thong. What the fuck has that got to do with Christmas says Peter. Paddy says They're Carols |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tonto and the Lone Ranger are out riding on the plains one day when the Lone Ranger asks Tonto to watch out for signs of the herd near by. Tonto jumps from his horse, puts his ear to the ground and a few moments later says "Buffalo come".
"Thats amazing" says the Lone Ranger, "How do you know that Tonto?".
"Ear stuck to ground" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Please could you explain this joke ? Is it something to do with ground beef ?"
If I need to explain it then it wasn't funny so best just forgetting about it   |
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Batman was hosting a party. He spoke to a guy he didn't recognise and the guy introduced himself as Bruce Banner. He thought it better to attend as himself rather than as the Hulk.
Later in the night Batman went to check on him and asked if he was enjoying his evening.
"it's great so far" he replied.
"I was passing one of the bedrooms earlier and saw Wonder woman spreadeagled naked on the bed"
" I couldn't help myself. I turned into the Hulk and leaped on top of her"
"Wow" said Batman. " I would have loved to see that. I bet she was surprised?"
" She was" said Banner " But not half as surprised as the Invisible Man" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Please could you explain this joke ? Is it something to do with ground beef ?
If I need to explain it then it wasn't funny so best just forgetting about it "
I found it pretty funny  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I ordered Chinese from a local place (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the orange chicken!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Batman was hosting a party. He spoke to a guy he didn't recognise and the guy introduced himself as Bruce Banner. He thought it better to attend as himself rather than as the Hulk.
Later in the night Batman went to check on him and asked if he was enjoying his evening.
"it's great so far" he replied.
"I was passing one of the bedrooms earlier and saw Wonder woman spreadeagled naked on the bed"
" I couldn't help myself. I turned into the Hulk and leaped on top of her"
"Wow" said Batman. " I would have loved to see that. I bet she was surprised?"
" She was" said Banner " But not half as surprised as the Invisible Man""
That has my vote - I actually chuckled at this  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I ordered Chinese from a local place (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the orange chicken!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag open...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
"
Love it |
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By *avhonaWoman
over a year ago
Away with the faeries |
"Tonto and the Lone Ranger are out riding on the plains one day when the Lone Ranger asks Tonto to watch out for signs of the herd near by. Tonto jumps from his horse, puts his ear to the ground and a few moments later says "Buffalo come".
"Thats amazing" says the Lone Ranger, "How do you know that Tonto?".
"Ear stuck to ground""
 |
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3 women chatting & one says to the other two, if your hubby was a bird what kind of bird would he be & why? One says my hubby would be an eagle, he’s so graceful & elegant when we go dancing, the other says well my hubby reminds me of an owl, as he’s old & wise I can ask him anything & he seems to know it. The 1st woman says mine reminds me of a thrush, the other 2 ask her why & she said well he’s a right irritating cunt. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I picked a prostitute up th other week. I asked how much to do something weird and we settled on a price, I payed her and we headed back to my hotel room. I told her to go into the bathroom and get undressed and when she returned she caught me walking out of the room. "I thought you wanted to do something weird" she said.
"I said "yes I did. While you were undressing I shit in your purse" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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After reading all these I was going to tell a joke about a herb and a fish.. but then I got the better of myself and realised theres a thyme and plaice for that.
I apologise in advance for that one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire one night telling stories of bravado.
The first says, "I was out riding in the dead of night 2 weeks ago when I was set upon by 2 murderers that had escaped the marshal on their way to the hangman's noose. The first grabbed for my gun so I took out my knife and cut himear to ear and took back my gun and shot the other one."
The second cowboy nods and says, "I have a similar tale to tell, but instead of 2 escaped prisoners I was set upon by an Apache war party hell bent on taking my scalp. I pulled out my revolver and shot 4 before killing another 2 with my rifle and the remaining 2 fled."
The first cowboy nods at the second looking suitably impressed and then both turn towards the third cowboy to hear what he has to say. The third cowboy however remain silent, and continued to stoke the coals of the fire with his penis. |
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