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Dying self esteem
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That is so tricky and I'm sorry you are going through that.
I guess the only tip I've got is I think you need to figure out what has caused this or triggered it first. |
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"That is so tricky and I'm sorry you are going through that.
I guess the only tip I've got is I think you need to figure out what has caused this or triggered it first."
I think it might be linked to family abuse and trauma so it comes back to me once in a while but it's gotten bad now |
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By *konCouple
over a year ago
cardiff |
You’re 21. I was 21 5 minutes ago . Now I’m 51
I’d kill to be 21 again in 21 years I’ll be 72 and beyond invisible to the world .
Think how lucky you are . Think how foolish you would be to waste your youth and best years dwelling on the past not the future
Think of all those with disabilities and disfigurement who would envy you
Look to the future not the past . The future will be here all too soon |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have started to feel very unattractive and hating my body unable to even look in the mirror without getting close to crying. Anyone have any tips to help with this?"
Op, you have a beautiful body, but it’s easy for me to see it, but you have to feel it.
Your feelings are completely valid, regardless of whether you are young and ‘should’ appreciate it.
If you’re suffering from past trauma, have you considered counselling to help deal with that.
You can do a lot of work on your own, but we cannot deal with trauma alone.
Feel free to pm if you wish. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We all go through periods of this sometimes but remember no one will ever think/say anything as bad as you say to yourself. Be confident in who you are and be kind to yourself always, you look great  |
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IMO, everyone has beauty both within and without to a greater or lesser extent. I believe it is important to realise that your body is what it is. You can change some aspects with diet or exercise, for example if someone is looking to become bigger or smaller but on the whole the key is acceptance of who you are. No one can give you confidence in yourself, that can only come from you. If the concern is how other people view you then try to think that you will never be able to influence how other people think, if they are negative towards you for any reason that's their problem not yours. Be yourself, be happy and confident in your own skin, that's all you can control. Once you have that, the rest doesn't matter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have started to feel very unattractive and hating my body unable to even look in the mirror without getting close to crying. Anyone have any tips to help with this?"
Kitsu you’re not on your own I’m sure, plenty of men & women will hate their own body, finding people who are truly happy is hard to come by. This past 12 months has been especially hard. As said above you’re still young, maybe make some small lifestyle changes and you’ll be back on track. You’ll be amazed how your confidence can change. If you need any help with nutrition & exercise drop me a message. Xx |
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I have been battling this since I was young due to my mother and grandmother making insulting remarks such as "you look like a pig" or "no one will want a spotty ugly bitch like you" so growing up with that daily has really broken me down and looking in the mirror I feel I'll never be good enough |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That is so tricky and I'm sorry you are going through that.
I guess the only tip I've got is I think you need to figure out what has caused this or triggered it first.
I think it might be linked to family abuse and trauma so it comes back to me once in a while but it's gotten bad now"
You don't need to answer but have you considered referral for some trauma treatment or exploring these feelings in counselling?
It shouldn't happen to anyone.. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been battling this since I was young due to my mother and grandmother making insulting remarks such as "you look like a pig" or "no one will want a spotty ugly bitch like you" so growing up with that daily has really broken me down and looking in the mirror I feel I'll never be good enough "
Oh dear. These are some strong remarks. It must have been so tough on you. And scars do stay but you can heal too. I have met many women who survived domestic abuse and I am a survivor too. It takes time to heal. But here you are trying to get to the cause of your feelings and maybe starting a journey to giving that poor child who wasn't cherished as you should have been.. attention and love. Its never too late to start healing. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have started to feel very unattractive and hating my body unable to even look in the mirror without getting close to crying. Anyone have any tips to help with this?"
Checked out your pictures....what the hell, i think you are gorgeous i got hot under the collar.
If you really arent happy, change it. Going to gym (now its not possible due to lockdown) will solve your problem.
Im a brutally honest guy, just get up and start some home exercises. There are a plethora of guides and youtube videos out there.
If i can go from a skinny twig to a hunk in one year and a half of consistant training and good dieting you can transform yourself into a diva who cant stop checking out herself in the mirror and finally be happy with a self esteem rivalling that of a goddess.
If you need tips or a point in the right direction, feel free to pm me, i'll be happy to help.
Diet and exercise and most imporantly never giving up are key.
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"That is so tricky and I'm sorry you are going through that.
I guess the only tip I've got is I think you need to figure out what has caused this or triggered it first.
I think it might be linked to family abuse and trauma so it comes back to me once in a while but it's gotten bad now
You don't need to answer but have you considered referral for some trauma treatment or exploring these feelings in counselling?
It shouldn't happen to anyone.. x"
I have tried several counsellors and therapists but all of them responded with "you aren't suicidal enough for us to help you" cause apparently suicidal people write out an exact plan of how they will end it.. that's not how anything works |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That is so tricky and I'm sorry you are going through that.
I guess the only tip I've got is I think you need to figure out what has caused this or triggered it first.
I think it might be linked to family abuse and trauma so it comes back to me once in a while but it's gotten bad now
You don't need to answer but have you considered referral for some trauma treatment or exploring these feelings in counselling?
It shouldn't happen to anyone.. x
I have tried several counsellors and therapists but all of them responded with "you aren't suicidal enough for us to help you" cause apparently suicidal people write out an exact plan of how they will end it.. that's not how anything works"
I would suggest looking for another counsellor, there are people specifically trained in trauma.
No counsellor should say something like that ti you, I’m sorry you had that  .
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your GP might have good resources or any local charities specialising in domestic abuse or mental health. You do not need to be suicidal to access the service... |
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"Your GP might have good resources or any local charities specialising in domestic abuse or mental health. You do not need to be suicidal to access the service... "
I'll try again after the pandemic.. thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your GP might have good resources or any local charities specialising in domestic abuse or mental health. You do not need to be suicidal to access the service...
I'll try again after the pandemic.. thank you"
Some charities will still help you now over the phone or private fb groups. I found it helpful at the time to join a group and just read others accounts to understand my own feelings. I hope I'm not putting too much weight on you with all these suggestions. I think its possible to change these patterns of thinking. And having self awareness like yours is something what will help. The most important thing is asking yourself what do you want to do.. what kind of help you want. Hope it all works out x |
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"That is so tricky and I'm sorry you are going through that.
I guess the only tip I've got is I think you need to figure out what has caused this or triggered it first.
I think it might be linked to family abuse and trauma so it comes back to me once in a while but it's gotten bad now
You don't need to answer but have you considered referral for some trauma treatment or exploring these feelings in counselling?
It shouldn't happen to anyone.. x
I have tried several counsellors and therapists but all of them responded with "you aren't suicidal enough for us to help you" cause apparently suicidal people write out an exact plan of how they will end it.. that's not how anything works"
They should not be the case, I know, but I suppose services are stretched right now.
I'm waiting for counseling myself, but know that because I do function on a daily basis, and have only described how I'd kill myself if it ever came to it (and it did at a couple of points last year) rather than actually attempting it, I'm not a priority and could be waiting another year or two. The private one I messaged didn't get back to me.... 
I feel about as attractive as a plate of condemned veal, so I sympathize and empathise with you, OP but don't necessarily have a ton of practical advice. As others have said, maybe your GP is a good starting place, as well as the MIND website
If you want to PM me, feel free and I'm happy to do what I can to help  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your GP might have good resources or any local charities specialising in domestic abuse or mental health. You do not need to be suicidal to access the service...
I'll try again after the pandemic.. thank you"
Maybe have a look on the Womensaid website.
Or there are similar groups on Facebook where people chat and help each other.
They can be a bit depressing though so if you find them making you feel worse, try a different one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I was your age I was experiencing some similar problems. A therapist helped me a lot, recognising how my childhood experiences had shaped how I view myself. She helped me to recognise that the ugliness was the nature of what I had experienced not how I was. She encouraged me to sit naked in front of a mirror each day for 10 minutes and look at myself and repeat the mantra I am a worthwhile person and I like myself. I only had one session with this therapist as she was a friend’s mum. However I did the homework she gave me.
At first it was extremely difficult and I cried and sobbed on each of the first few days of trying it, as memories of things that happened to me flooded my mind. But I persevered, and as each day past it got easier, I stopped sobbing the memory flow subsided and after 6 days I smiled at myself in the mirror. Each day after as I repeated the manta, I smiled for longer until on the 10th day I just rolled around the floor laughing. My experiences that caused my self esteem weren’t overly traumatic but the did damage my fragile teenage ego, that I had to rebuild a bit. Ever since I have had good self esteem, I’ve had wobbles, but they were mainly not liking myself for things I had done, rather than for things I had experienced as such. And whenever I feel a wobble I repeat the mantra a few times and very soon my smile returns. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I was your age I was experiencing some similar problems. A therapist helped me a lot, recognising how my childhood experiences had shaped how I view myself. She helped me to recognise that the ugliness was the nature of what I had experienced not how I was. She encouraged me to sit naked in front of a mirror each day for 10 minutes and look at myself and repeat the mantra I am a worthwhile person and I like myself. I only had one session with this therapist as she was a friend’s mum. However I did the homework she gave me.
At first it was extremely difficult and I cried and sobbed on each of the first few days of trying it, as memories of things that happened to me flooded my mind. But I persevered, and as each day past it got easier, I stopped sobbing the memory flow subsided and after 6 days I smiled at myself in the mirror. Each day after as I repeated the manta, I smiled for longer until on the 10th day I just rolled around the floor laughing. My experiences that caused my self esteem weren’t overly traumatic but the did damage my fragile teenage ego, that I had to rebuild a bit. Ever since I have had good self esteem, I’ve had wobbles, but they were mainly not liking myself for things I had done, rather than for things I had experienced as such. And whenever I feel a wobble I repeat the mantra a few times and very soon my smile returns."
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"I have been battling this since I was young due to my mother and grandmother making insulting remarks such as "you look like a pig" or "no one will want a spotty ugly bitch like you" so growing up with that daily has really broken me down and looking in the mirror I feel I'll never be good enough "
This is really difficult - it’s at a time of life when our minds are easily formed into shape and we’re brought up to trust what these people say. It’s absolutely right that it hurts because it cuts so deep.
However, it’s nothing that can’t be changed.
You mention to try after the pandemic but I’d advise to start today. You’ve gone through the bad stuff for long enough, fuck that, it’s time to improve!
Imagine the brain is like a muddy path you ride on your bike, you go over the same things a few times and the ruts get deeper and more difficult to pull out of. That’s what reinforcement does, it goes over and over the same thing and means that you automatically follow that path.
Just like muscle memory when you make a cup of tea, you no longer have to look carefully for the button to open the kettle or how much water to put in or how to switch it on. All those things are deep in your brain so you do them automatically.
You accept the abusive behaviour in the same way because it’s the easiest path to follow.
Your brain can’t really get the steam roller and cement mixer out to fill in the ruts in this path, but you can look over there to a fresh bit of path and ride there instead. It’s going to take a big, conscious effort to do it, especially at first but you can ride the new path and make the new ruts deeper.
After a while, it will be so easy to follow the new path, you’ll look in the mirror and your brain will think “ooh, looking pretty good there”.
Every time you replay the old language over it reinforces the old pathway, and there will be times when you slip back to it, but don’t worry, make a conscious effort to get on the positive path again.
There are various ways to do this but the first step is acceptance you can do it, then saying it’s something you want to do (this can be scary because old behaviour, even though it’s abusive, is still comforting)
You can do this, trust me. I did and I was a real wreck, you can do it too and do it better than me.
Take care, and take control |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been battling this since I was young due to my mother and grandmother making insulting remarks such as "you look like a pig" or "no one will want a spotty ugly bitch like you" so growing up with that daily has really broken me down and looking in the mirror I feel I'll never be good enough "
You need to avoid as much negativity in your life as you can. Not very good that your immediate family are causing the most of it. They need addressing head on in my eyes. You need to tell them the impact their words are having, your family should be your biggest supporters not battlers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have started to feel very unattractive and hating my body unable to even look in the mirror without getting close to crying. Anyone have any tips to help with this?
Op, you have a beautiful body, but it’s easy for me to see it, but you have to feel it.
Your feelings are completely valid, regardless of whether you are young and ‘should’ appreciate it.
If you’re suffering from past trauma, have you considered counselling to help deal with that.
You can do a lot of work on your own, but we cannot deal with trauma alone.
Feel free to pm if you wish. "
OP, I agree with this. You aren't able to dismiss your past trauma and you need help coming to terms with it. You need to seek help snd the earlier, the better. I'm not able to give advice on where to get that help but I know you need to get help.
I'm sure there is plenty of advice on where to get help throughout this thread already and take up the offers to PM the posters if you need it. |
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I feel exactly the same. I lost nearly 4 stone last year, I've recently put on around a stone, I know weight doesn't equal beauty but im feeling very down about my body, lost a lot of confidence and feeling quite ugly. Im told daily by my partner how much he loves me and my body but its just how I feel. I'd love to get my confidence back |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Blinkin 'eck, you're mightily young to be feeling like that, especially as from what I can see, you have a body that many women would live to have
I can see you have a lot of veris for someone who hasn't been here for a very long time
Do you fuck people cos it makes you feel attractive / wanted?
Trust me, as someone who has done just that, it is such a short term fix and something that you may feel some shame for in your later life
Your position sounds complex and I'm not sure anyone here can resolve anything for you beyond a recognition that you are not the only one to feel like this
Please seek (professional) help away from the site and work on YOU
You have the best years of your life ahead and it would be lovely for you to go into those with a whole new outlook and a fresh perspective on yourself
I truly wish you all the strength and fortitude you will need to allow yourself to flourish x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have started to feel very unattractive and hating my body unable to even look in the mirror without getting close to crying. Anyone have any tips to help with this?"
Op everyone is beautiful in they own unique way please never feel like ur not |
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"I have been battling this since I was young due to my mother and grandmother making insulting remarks such as "you look like a pig" or "no one will want a spotty ugly bitch like you" so growing up with that daily has really broken me down and looking in the mirror I feel I'll never be good enough
You need to avoid as much negativity in your life as you can. Not very good that your immediate family are causing the most of it. They need addressing head on in my eyes. You need to tell them the impact their words are having, your family should be your biggest supporters not battlers. "
I have addressed them several times over the years but non of them seem to accept that they are hurtful and they keep repeating the same phrase of "we did it so you can find a good husband no man would want a ugly pig like you" which just hurts more |
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"I have started to feel very unattractive and hating my body unable to even look in the mirror without getting close to crying. Anyone have any tips to help with this?
Op, you have a beautiful body, but it’s easy for me to see it, but you have to feel it.
Your feelings are completely valid, regardless of whether you are young and ‘should’ appreciate it.
If you’re suffering from past trauma, have you considered counselling to help deal with that.
You can do a lot of work on your own, but we cannot deal with trauma alone.
Feel free to pm if you wish. "
Totally agree
X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you everyone for your support and compliments but I think I need to explain a bit more. I don't see myself in the mirror like you see me all i see is a twisted version that I can't unsee"
And your feelings are valid. Now the only part which is in your control here is the "can" factor. And maybe these compliments can help you start believing that you can distance yourself from all these hurtful descriptions of you from the past. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you everyone for your support and compliments but I think I need to explain a bit more. I don't see myself in the mirror like you see me all i see is a twisted version that I can't unsee"
At least you are recognising it is a twisted version of you, not really you. Those who bring you down are toxic and the poison they have been feeding you has an antidote. Remember it is their own ugliness within they are projecting onto you.!if you can cut them out of your life do so or tell them you won’t tolerate listening to their verbal violence anymore.
You are a worthwhile person and if if you look deep within yourself you will find a source of love that can heal you. You are loved, And that love is always already present. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think getting counselling or even better a therapist with a very good reputation for helping people with similar issues to yours would be very useful for you. |
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