FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Serious subject - no sex at home
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"Not being flippant mate, but you've tried to vary your sex-life, you're in your 50's, & she doesn't seem to ever have been that interested. Don't think things are going to change much now, are they?" I live in hope... | |||
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"and so you should at the end of the day you will be left with each other and love is the most comfortable part" Indeed, love is very important, but so is sex. Without sex, I would need to find it elsewhere, as would many others. | |||
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"and so you should at the end of the day you will be left with each other and love is the most comfortable part" True. But it doesn't help now when one's member is screaming to be played with...and I'm fed up taking matters into my own hands. | |||
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"and so you should at the end of the day you will be left with each other and love is the most comfortable part True. But it doesn't help now when one's member is screaming to be played with...and I'm fed up taking matters into my own hands. " your right of course and only you know how you feel which is why your on here i guess but dont let go of the love i love that you said that xx | |||
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"She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn. He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes. Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things. Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love. Be interested to listen to people's _iews." Are you me??? | |||
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"Have you spoken to "she" about this? She needs to be willing to change for that to happen, if she's interested maybe some sort of counselling, maybe she has underlying issues that she's keeping bottled up? Or maybe sex just isn't her bag... But I also love that you are still in love, that's nice to hear. " I was going to say the same. Also there is a theory that if you have a low sex drive you need to force yourself to do it regularly for a couple of months to start to enjoy it. Do you help out around house, so she's not tired? I had the same issues and did all I could save my marriage but it just wasn't going to happen. We still get on very well now though. | |||
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"We have friends who have a great sex life but hate each other . I know they would swap with u." | |||
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" Have you spoken to "she" about this? She needs to be willing to change for that to happen, if she's interested maybe some sort of counselling, maybe she has underlying issues that she's keeping bottled up? Or maybe sex just isn't her bag... But I also love that you are still in love, that's nice to hear. " I tried to discuss this in the early days - when we still had sex. But I can read the signs when I'm seen to be 'going on about this'... letsbe said: "I was going to say the same. Also there is a theory that if you have a low sex drive you need to force yourself to do it regularly for a couple of months to start to enjoy it. Do you help out around house, so she's not tired? I had the same issues and did all I could save my marriage but it just wasn't going to happen. We still get on very well now though. " I can see the point about 'needing to force yourself'. But I would never force her to do anything against her will - even if it would benefit the both of us (ok - me in the first instance). I help out about as much as most men to. I actually enjoy washing up and some ironing, cooking (couple of times a week), changing nappies etc (grandkids before you ask). She has spend several years getting her degree (fully distance learning course) - which I was very supportive of (I believe totally in education) - so it could be simply changing priorities on her part. But I see no change in our bedroom activities since she graduated. As for Mr Grey - she's not really a big reader - she's more of an arts and crafts person. On the odd occasion I'm allowed to play with her clit - she cums within about a minute (and I take it *very* slow with her). But that's as far as it goes (once she has cum she doesn't like to be touched). | |||
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"Yes it certainly is difficult when couples have different sex drives. Its good that you still cuddle though, touch is important. Maybe focus on just that for the time being, sit and cuddle her, perhaps softly massage or lightly run your fingers across her neck, but don't go any further. Let her feel there's no pressure for sex. " I am very tactile - and I've never stopped caressing her... | |||
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"Have you spoken to "she" about this? She needs to be willing to change for that to happen, if she's interested maybe some sort of counselling, maybe she has underlying issues that she's keeping bottled up? Or maybe sex just isn't her bag... But I also love that you are still in love, that's nice to hear. " thats pretty much what i would say, tbh. you are still in love, great, its a good base, and lets not forget, once the body is no longer willing, love is all you have left, so if you dont have that, you have nothing. as for the sex, you have had 7 years, surely you would have known long before now you arent compatible in the bedroom and could have come to some arrangement. i honestly believe councelling is the way to go, if she has any interest. otherwise, tell her you need more sex. maybe she is happy for you to look for it elsewhere. but, and let me be totally honest with you, no amount of love you feel for each other is going to mean a thing if she finds out you are already meeting others for the other. | |||
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"She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn. He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes. Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things. Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love. Be interested to listen to people's _iews." okay... if you want a serious conversation can we deal with the "elephant in the room".... how is it going to get any better if you are off playing with people without her knowledge?........... surely that is time and energy you could be spending on time with her and helping to solve this..... | |||
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"She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn. He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes. Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things. Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love. Be interested to listen to people's _iews. okay... if you want a serious conversation can we deal with the "elephant in the room".... how is it going to get any better if you are off playing with people without her knowledge?........... surely that is time and energy you could be spending on time with her and helping to solve this....." +1 ... and ever stopped to wonder for a moment whether she may know/have a good idea you are playing away, and that may a contributing factor.....? | |||
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"How long have you both been together as a couple? " 28 years. She is 2 years younger than me. | |||
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"How long have you both been together as a couple? 28 years. She is 2 years younger than me." you need a serious talk my friend, and counselling, you need to let her know that although you love her she is at risk of losing you. it is always hard when this happens and there is no easy answer but you have needs and you need to tell her that. i dont have a magic wand sadly but there are people who can help, like Relate, who can go over everything with you both. You must tell her how much you love her but she needs to know that you need more. good luck and i hope you can sit together and go see someone and sort it out. | |||
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"How long have you both been together as a couple? 28 years. She is 2 years younger than me." With your age, the likelihood is that around that time 7-8 years ago she was approaching or starting the menopause. which can trigger a change in sexual response and libido. so perhaps suggesting she gets some HRT (in a tactful way) might lift her libido,, or give her (and by that i mean ask her to take) some spanish fly/Female Viagra and see if that helps,if not then its in her head,,, If that's the case then you should talk to her about it, perhaps seek out some couples counselling and find out the real cause of her lack of libido. and try to get your sex life back on track. Good luck. | |||
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"How long have you both been together as a couple? 28 years. She is 2 years younger than me. With your age, the likelihood is that around that time 7-8 years ago she was approaching or starting the menopause. which can trigger a change in sexual response and libido. so perhaps suggesting she gets some HRT (in a tactful way) might lift her libido,, or give her (and by that i mean ask her to take) some spanish fly/Female Viagra and see if that helps,if not then its in her head,,, If that's the case then you should talk to her about it, perhaps seek out some couples counselling and find out the real cause of her lack of libido. and try to get your sex life back on track. Good luck." I agree with the timing factor some women do lose interest in sex around menopause and it can be down to something as simple as needing some help with lubrication. However all these suggestions won't help one jot or tittle unless THAT conversation takes place, I would also say that both partners have to be prepared to hear some uncomfortable facts about themselves . | |||
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"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways... It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ... I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do. I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her. She doesn't drink alcohol, tea, coffee. Doesn't like taking pills, and I really can't see her seeing a counsellor. I have never forced her to do anything she doesn't want to do and am not about to start now. When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue. I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far. I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling. I didn't think I was alone in this sort of situation, but the many private messages show me that the number if options are limited . I have tried some, but will have to ask myself whether I have paid only lip service to them so far." Man, your talking your marriage dude, ya gotta talk to her, about the counslling, cos she's gonna lose ya if ya dont, and it will end in tears. be honest with each other, at least, you owe her that. good luck, i sincerely wish you well. | |||
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"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways... It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ... I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do. I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her. She doesn't drink alcohol, tea, coffee. Doesn't like taking pills, and I really can't see her seeing a counsellor. I have never forced her to do anything she doesn't want to do and am not about to start now. When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue. I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far. I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling. I didn't think I was alone in this sort of situation, but the many private messages show me that the number if options are limited . I have tried some, but will have to ask myself whether I have paid only lip service to them so far." Martin, you have mentioned something rather intriguing in the above. You say that you didn't have sex for the first week of your honeymoon? So..... what was/is your wifes relationship with her Mother like? Did she indeed have a Mother (may have died at a young age etc)? If what you say is true, your wifes issues (and what by now are clearly YOUR issues with this) are very deep seated. If the problem was there before you had your family, this does not sound like a 'Moms don't do that sort of thing' attitude to sex which many women experience after childbirth when the Motherly instinct kicks in. My ex suffered from that big time, and I still think that was part of the reason she ultimately had the affair which ended our relationship. But back to you... Would be interesting to know what kind of 'programming' your Mother in Law gave your wife about what to expect in bed with her new husband.... Maybe you might find the answer there....... ?? | |||
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"i love that your still in love with her and im sorry that you want more xxx" Ditto ... and that you're still trying. You said you've had a lotof conversations about how to improve things ... how about maybe getting her to share some things that might really turn her on. Tell her the conversation is a safe zone ... doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna happen but just to share some really intimate fantasies with you which might get her switched on. Otherwise as far as libido is concerned , how is her general health? Emotionally, physically and energy wise... maybe it's time to make changes. Does she know you still find her hot .. if not she needs to know. Luck | |||
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"Some really sad stories here and I cant imagine what it must be like. Ill remember this thread and some of the supportive responses next time there is a 'No excuse for cheating' thread.... Can only say good luck to all of you x " The 'No excuse for cheating' posters are often couples who are insecure and shit scared of being dumped. In my experience there is always excuses for everything and always more than one point of _iew. Whistler well you are in a crappy position and what ever you do wont be ideal. Lots to think about and nothing may change but listen both to the head and the heart before making a decision. | |||
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"Been in two similar marriages - never again - this time round sex is the major reason we are getting married and if either if us loses it then sod it - I am giving up on the whole marriage thing for good ! " good for you. | |||
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"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways... It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ... I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do. I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her. She doesn't drink alcohol, tea, coffee. Doesn't like taking pills, and I really can't see her seeing a counsellor. I have never forced her to do anything she doesn't want to do and am not about to start now. When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue. I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far. I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling. I didn't think I was alone in this sort of situation, but the many private messages show me that the number if options are limited . I have tried some, but will have to ask myself whether I have paid only lip service to them so far. Martin, you have mentioned something rather intriguing in the above. You say that you didn't have sex for the first week of your honeymoon? So..... what was/is your wifes relationship with her Mother like? Did she indeed have a Mother (may have died at a young age etc)? If what you say is true, your wifes issues (and what by now are clearly YOUR issues with this) are very deep seated. If the problem was there before you had your family, this does not sound like a 'Moms don't do that sort of thing' attitude to sex which many women experience after childbirth when the Motherly instinct kicks in. My ex suffered from that big time, and I still think that was part of the reason she ultimately had the affair which ended our relationship. But back to you... Would be interesting to know what kind of 'programming' your Mother in Law gave your wife about what to expect in bed with her new husband.... Maybe you might find the answer there....... ?? " This is partly a fault I feel sure my Mum was a strict no sex before marriage person. She had lttle love or sex in her life and really was very strict with me. we did have a reasonable sexlife before we married but we didnt have sex on our honeymoon either, It was ok for the first few months but working hard and home and a baby after 18mths took its toll we went to probably 3 or 4 times a year then twice a year ..I developed LS and underactive thyroid and was too sore to attempt it any more at 43 we stopped completely. It never really came back and now he has health problems.. my libido is back what are we sposed to do.? I had a nice man 4 years ago but he got married so its been very lonely since then . I understand whistlers problem well .. | |||
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"She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn. He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes. Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things. Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love. Be interested to listen to people's _iews." i know everyone has different _iews of what they are after in a relationship But you say she has never been interested in sex I have to be honest i would never get into a relationship with someone who from the out set didnt like sex People say sex isnt the be all and end all but going by the amount of people on here because they are in a sexless marrage id say it pretty high up there | |||
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"Some really sad stories here and I cant imagine what it must be like. Ill remember this thread and some of the supportive responses next time there is a 'No excuse for cheating' thread.... Can only say good luck to all of you x " I totally agree. Liking this thread a lot, there's some really constructive comments. Personally I would hate to go to a sex therapist. It would totally freak me out. I was in a sexless marriage, me being the one that didn't want to but he did. It ended for other reasons. I wasn't frigid, it was him making me that way. If your wife has never been interested in sex she probably never will be. A can if worms will be opened, but after the dust settles hopefully you will both be better off and happier, whether that is together or apart. Good luck. X | |||
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"i dont understand how come you can only now decide your OH having a low libido is a problem for you. you have honestly already stated it has been no different throughout your relationship, so why on earth do you think she would change now, when life is starting to slow down for many? i just dont get it. if you had been at it like rabbits then it dropped off, fair enough, but you accepted it before, and have done for 30 years." that was the simple question I asked but no one answered.... how does "one" being here without the other persons knowledge help them as a couple??...... | |||
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"She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn. He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes. Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things. Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love. Be interested to listen to people's _iews." How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth | |||
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"She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn. He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes. Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things. Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love. Be interested to listen to people's _iews. How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth" You are of course entitled to your opinion. I suggest you come back when you been with the same partner for 30 / 40 years. The more life experience I get the more I realise that life takes many turns..Try following the path a while. | |||
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"Marriage without sex isnt a proper marriage. Not to me anyway. My hubby is 20 years older than me and isnt realy interested in sex so he lets me see other men. If he didnt then i think i would have left him. " Well im sure at 70 plus he thinks it is better to have you looking after him and being a companion than him being alone for the rest of his life. (not a nice prospect as you get old) so letting you have sex with others is a small price to pay. There are many aspects to being married sex being only a small part . I do not agree that I dont have a proper marriage. | |||
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" You are of course entitled to your opinion. I suggest you come back when you been with the same partner for 30 / 40 years. The more life experience I get the more I realise that life takes many turns..Try following the path a while." Well that's rather patronising. Just because someone is young does not mean they are inexperienced or foolish. Perhaps because they are not jaded, bitter and cynical about love, relationships and sex they should be listened to? It's easy to deride the folly of youth. Maybe if older people remembered the opinions and morals they held as a younger person they wouldn't make so make mistakes in life. A lot of years does not equal a lot of wisdom. Cheating is morally wrong and hurtful for the other partner. It's all well and good for the OP to say he's in a predicament but if you look at it from another point of _iew he has a loving wife and sex on tap. If we all take a minute to reflect on how SHE would feel if she knew her husband was sleeping with women off the internet then perhaps we would realise that she is the one we should feel sorry for - not the cheating horny man. He needs to come off websites like this and look at his own relationship and perhaps even look at himself. | |||
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" You are of course entitled to your opinion. I suggest you come back when you been with the same partner for 30 / 40 years. The more life experience I get the more I realise that life takes many turns..Try following the path a while. Well that's rather patronising. Just because someone is young does not mean they are inexperienced or foolish. It's all well and good for the OP to say he's in a predicament but if you look at it from another point of _iew he has a loving wife and sex on tap. " And yet maturity and life experience has real advantages when people ask for advice... For one, the ability to read the post properly... At which point one would see that the OP does NOT have sex on tap... Does love his partner and is asking a forum for advice... Noone yet has patronised him...;-) | |||
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" And yet maturity and life experience has real advantages when people ask for advice... For one, the ability to read the post properly... At which point one would see that the OP does NOT have sex on tap... Does love his partner and is asking a forum for advice... Noone yet has patronised him...;-)" I did read the post. He does have sex on tap by being on this site. If he truly loved his partner he would feel revulsion by cheating on her instead he does it freely. And it was I who was being patronised for being young. Now who's not reading things properly? And maturity and life experience do not come from age. They come from wisdom. Two very different things. | |||
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"I wouldn't be with a woman who hasn't got a good or similar sex drive to mine. Warning signs are there before you even get past 6 months with a woman." Agreed! Women can tell what a shit shag you are WELL before six months. Why don't they speak up sooner ? | |||
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" How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth" Scum of the earth. Right up there with murderers etc. He said he'd tried that. He was now asking for advice. I really can't see where the venim comes from. Like someone else said, there are many different reasons that people do things. It's not as simple as some people may believe. The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh. | |||
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"Im going to be totally honest about my opinion on this now and it may ruffle a few fethers but when have i ever cared about that lol But why should this women go and get help with her sex drive to keep him happy, if shes never had a sex diver and is ok in herself with that why should she change he hasnt go without sex for her, hes just go and got it else where so why should she change for him? " actually I agree, but if he is honest with her and says that lack of sex between them is an issue for him, and that issue may cause him to stray and ultimately destroy the marriage.... she is advised to the potential impact and can make a choice. it is about being informed and able to make choices, if she chooses not to have sex more often, she is right to do so. he can then decide what to stay and settle for the sex as regular as they both feel advise her, the marriage may be over stays on here and tells her he is here stays on here and doesn't | |||
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"Im going to be totally honest about my opinion on this now and it may ruffle a few fethers but when have i ever cared about that lol But why should this women go and get help with her sex drive to keep him happy, if shes never had a sex diver and is ok in herself with that why should she change he hasnt go without sex for her, hes just go and got it else where so why should she change for him? " as both myself and _abio have questioned, he knew she wasnt into sex, and has known for 30 years. only now its a problem? even though i have always been a take it or leave it guy, where sex is concerned, would still realise if someone i was with had a different sex drive to myself, and converse about it. hopefully come to some kind of decision about it, although i really do have to say, there is more to a living relationship than sex. although it does show the most intimacy. | |||
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"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways... It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ... I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do. I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her. She doesn't drink alcohol, tea, coffee. Doesn't like taking pills, and I really can't see her seeing a counsellor. I have never forced her to do anything she doesn't want to do and am not about to start now. When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue. I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far. I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling. I didn't think I was alone in this sort of situation, but the many private messages show me that the number if options are limited . I have tried some, but will have to ask myself whether I have paid only lip service to them so far." I know people are saying communicate and yes I agree, but from what you say her libido has been low even before you got married so I doubt there will be a magice pill to sort this. If you do tell her, will she just have sex for the sake of it as she thinks she may lose you if she doesnt? Will you want her to have sex for the sake of it when you know she isn't enjoying it? Thats the problem you will have if the communication goes the wrong way. I know a marriage is more than just sex, but when one person wants it more than the other then it becomes a bigger issue. Sadly some people just don't have any sex drive or very little, and no matter how much talking or trying to get it going will make any difference. | |||
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"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people? Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?" i think, perhaps only initially, he possibly would do, yes. however, the question of if he could abstain for long is another. | |||
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"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people? Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife? i think, perhaps only initially, he possibly would do, yes. however, the question of if he could abstain for long is another." me too i think once you have been into this 'life style' for a long time it can be hard to turn your back on it I have to be honest after all i have done over the years the thought of only having sex with the same guy for the rest of my life bores me just thinking about it | |||
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"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people? Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife? i think, perhaps only initially, he possibly would do, yes. however, the question of if he could abstain for long is another. me too i think once you have been into this 'life style' for a long time it can be hard to turn your back on it I have to be honest after all i have done over the years the thought of only having sex with the same guy for the rest of my life bores me just thinking about it " i would probably agree with you. however, because we dont, then i suppose i dont have that same feeling. i still only have sex with Em, and jesus, its gooooood lol | |||
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" How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth Scum of the earth. Right up there with murderers etc. The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh. " | |||
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" How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth Scum of the earth. Right up there with murderers etc. The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh. " grand, so that means we can still be self righteous. woo hoo! | |||
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" How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth Scum of the earth. Right up there with murderers etc. The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh. grand, so that means we can still be self righteous. woo hoo!" oral sex counts | |||
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" How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth Scum of the earth. Right up there with murderers etc. The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh. grand, so that means we can still be self righteous. woo hoo! oral sex counts " nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! lol | |||
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" How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her. Hate cheaters....scum of the earth Scum of the earth. Right up there with murderers etc. The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh. grand, so that means we can still be self righteous. woo hoo! oral sex counts nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! lol" try telling that to people that wont meet us because 'soft is a waste of time' lol | |||
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"OOOPS!!! sorry he's 55 in Sept and i'm 51 in January !! xx" You are both straight with each other. you are not cheats. What most people object to is the deceit .... not the sex. | |||
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"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people? Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?" If we started having sex again - yes, I would categorically stop looking elsewhere. | |||
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"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people? Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife? If we started having sex again - yes, I would categorically stop looking elsewhere. " you still havent answered the question of why it has taken you 30 years to decide the lack of sex is leading you to cheat. | |||
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"Putting someone whos unfaithful on equal footing with murders another human being? REALLY....NO REALLY? FUCK ME IT GETS WORSE ON HERE EVERYDAY! " Insecurity breeds contempt! Mind the catholic church thinks all swingers are heathens had should have cunts sown up and cocks lopped off. | |||
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"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people? Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife? If we started having sex again - yes, I would categorically stop looking elsewhere. you still havent answered the question of why it has taken you 30 years to decide the lack of sex is leading you to cheat." No - sex stopped about 6 or 7 years ago. To start with, I took up masturbating. That was OK for a while - but there is no emotional involvement by someone else. And, to be honest, it feels so much better if someone else does that. | |||
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"Im going to be totally honest about my opinion on this now and it may ruffle a few fethers but when have i ever cared about that lol But why should this women go and get help with her sex drive to keep him happy, if shes never had a sex diver and is ok in herself with that why should she change he hasnt go without sex for her, hes just go and got it else where so why should she change for him? " ooooooo never had a sex diver either, sounds kinky, any offers? | |||
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" For the first ten years, it was pretty standard fare. I wanted, and she refused. I wanted desperately, I tried everything and anything. I really loved her, and wanted things to work at any cost. I couldn't understand why things weren't happening. How could she not reciprocate? How could her style of love be so different? A little more than a year ago I started to give up. I started to withdraw from my wife a bit more and focus on myself. About six months ago I stopped any attempts at initiating sex, intimacy or touching. More recently, I was surprised to discover that I no longer found my wife attractive. For the first time since I met her, I couldn't think of her in a sexual way. Yes, technically she was still attractive. All her attributes were the same, physically nothing had changed, but I just couldn't see her as "attractive" anymore. Now it's easy to go without sex with her because I no longer find her attractive. I broke the habit. Then in a moment of clarity, I realized I was now as detached and uninterested in her sexually as she'd behaved for our whole marriage. Wow. I finally found out why she hasn't been interested in me all these years, I finally know how she feels. This has been a HUGE turning point for me. She really never loved me the way I loved her, the way I needed to be loved. I'm angry that she just didn't tell me that she felt this way. Why did she lie and make excuses all these years? That one I may never figure out, and as is often said here, the "why" does not matter. Experiencing this feeling of relative indifference to her has been enlightening, and will be a key element in moving forward. Your refuser really doesn't love you. If you can't get your head around it, try thinking of a relative (brother or sister) and the feeling that you have for them is pretty close to what your refuser feels for you. It seems simple and obvious now, but I just wasn't getting it before. So wonder they avoid sex with you at all costs! There's nothing to fix here. Your sexless marriage isn't a case of them inadequately expressing how they feel about you, it's a case of them expressing exactly how they feel about you. " | |||
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"Ok, to the OP. I am glad you postesd this and wasn't too hammered by the anti cheatin.g brigade. I know it is hard and I wish you all the best. I am in a similar predicament but have stopped seeing other people. Yes I have cheated a couple of times which is wrong, and I am trying my hardest to get things right but it isnt easy. I admit I am envious of couples on here who get to have fun, or singles who get to enjoy this lifestyle. I admit, I am not one of those, as have only had one dual meet from here even though I only want to experiment. I have been with my OH for 15 years, and sex wasnt a thing initially even though we both enjoyed it. But since having my little one 3 years ago, he isnt interested as he wasnt that interested before. Have tried everything but nothing helps. I have decided I am just here to chat, nothing more as after my meet I felt awful. I ultimately want to feel sexy and not just feel like a mum. IF thats so bad, ban me or block, but good luclk to original poster, I know how you feel xx" See other men and enjoy yourself, dont feel guilty lifes too short. your husbands the one who should feel guilty if anything.When you get older you will regret that you have not enjoyed yourself the way you should. | |||
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"Ok, to the OP. I am glad you postesd this and wasn't too hammered by the anti cheatin.g brigade. I know it is hard and I wish you all the best. I am in a similar predicament but have stopped seeing other people. Yes I have cheated a couple of times which is wrong, and I am trying my hardest to get things right but it isnt easy. I admit I am envious of couples on here who get to have fun, or singles who get to enjoy this lifestyle. I admit, I am not one of those, as have only had one dual meet from here even though I only want to experiment. I have been with my OH for 15 years, and sex wasnt a thing initially even though we both enjoyed it. But since having my little one 3 years ago, he isnt interested as he wasnt that interested before. Have tried everything but nothing helps. I have decided I am just here to chat, nothing more as after my meet I felt awful. I ultimately want to feel sexy and not just feel like a mum. IF thats so bad, ban me or block, but good luclk to original poster, I know how you feel xx See other men and enjoy yourself, dont feel guilty lifes too short. your husbands the one who should feel guilty if anything.When you get older you will regret that you have not enjoyed yourself the way you should." Life's too short to be miserable. Xx Wishy, brilliant post from the other site. Xx | |||
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"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered . " I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in. I feel lucky to be in a different position. | |||
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"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered . I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in. I feel lucky to be in a different position." So now you're trying to tempt him with sexual positions!! Leave the poor man alone he's had enough stick | |||
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"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered . I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in. I feel lucky to be in a different position." I'm quite surprised it hasnt ended in a 'you dirty cheating bastard' thread, especially with a man being the OP. Bravo forumites | |||
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"Is fulfilling sex really that important in a loving relationship for it to continue? Only the OP can answer and decide on that. To me, sex is important, however, so is shared interests, values, aspirations, emotional attachment and romantic love. IMHO, sex is just one of the many flames that keeps a relationship going. If other flames start to go out too, then it may be time to take stock and evaluate whether what is left is worth keeping. Good luck! " Yes indeed. | |||
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"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered . I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in. I feel lucky to be in a different position. I'm quite surprised it hasnt ended in a 'you dirty cheating bastard' thread, especially with a man being the OP. Bravo forumites " I agree it has been a good discussion. | |||
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" Im always amazed at the people who lament the lack of it to the point of disrespecting their partner. " granny hits nail on head again with this..... in this entire conversation people seem to be forgetting that there are two people.... and one of them made a cold calculating decision to be here and meet people... as I keep saying... how does one person in this situation be here and meet without the other persons knowledge help the situation in any way, shape or form? I am seeing lots of justifications for being here... and lots of people who think they are "bulletproof"... oh I am so discreet I won't get caught!, oh my situation is different because... so its in fact saving marriages then... my god how selfless you are..... reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly..... why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world...... | |||
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" Im always amazed at the people who lament the lack of it to the point of disrespecting their partner. granny hits nail on head again with this..... in this entire conversation people seem to be forgetting that there are two people.... and one of them made a cold calculating decision to be here and meet people... as I keep saying... how does one person in this situation be here and meet without the other persons knowledge help the situation in any way, shape or form? I am seeing lots of justifications for being here... and lots of people who think they are "bulletproof"... oh I am so discreet I won't get caught!, oh my situation is different because... so its in fact saving marriages then... my god how selfless you are..... reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly..... why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world...... " ....also makes you wonder if the 'cheated on one' would be quite as devoted, or would they punt someone out the door? | |||
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" We have two children whom I would hurt by leaving. And I couldn't do that. " Just picked up on this part.......my parents stayed together "for the sake of the chilren" until my youngest siblings were 18 (I'm the eldest, 7 years between me and the youngest and I left home at 17), I knew from age 14 that my Dad was having an affair....my Mam drank a lot, as the oldest she took her frustrations out on me, she could be really nasty and I couldn't wait to get my own place with my boyfriend (who I eventually married).....there were loads of issues with us kids, but from a perspective of a lot of years down the line, I reckon we'd have been a lot happier if our parents split when we were younger......For the record, my Dad still financially supports my Mam even though they've never divorced and not been together for well over 20 years, I love and respect both of them | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out " Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do " welcome and a great post | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post " _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... " No offence taken at all I truly believe that professional help is the best way forward, if sex is so very, very important for the gentlemen, he needs to explain that and seek help to facilitate the way forward.. but the both of them owe it to each other to open up and HONEST. | |||
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" reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly..... why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world...... " Crush? Crush? Why would the one in a sexless marriage responsible for it being sexless feel crushed? People would do well to remember their wedding vows many years later when they decide they don't want to have sex with their spouse any more. To my mind it is a breach of contract and a man or woman is perfectly entitled to seek sex elsewhere if his/her partner has declared their own sex life to be over, (by either word or deed). Why should one person live a life of forced celibacy just because another person is happy to? Additionally, why should a man lose daily access to his kids because he got caught 'playing away' looking for physical contact with another human being in order to make himself feel like part of the human race? Personally, I'd tell my wife that I need sex in my life and if she doesn't want it anymore I consider myself to be single in that respect but still part of a marriage, if that's what she wanted. If she said she didn't want that she'd have to either start having sex with me again or start living as a single mum. | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... No offence taken at all I truly believe that professional help is the best way forward, if sex is so very, very important for the gentlemen, he needs to explain that and seek help to facilitate the way forward.. but the both of them owe it to each other to open up and HONEST." | |||
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" reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly..... why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world...... Crush? Crush? Why would the one in a sexless marriage responsible for it being sexless feel crushed? People would do well to remember their wedding vows many years later when they decide they don't want to have sex with their spouse any more. To my mind it is a breach of contract and a man or woman is perfectly entitled to seek sex elsewhere if his/her partner has declared their own sex life to be over, (by either word or deed). Why should one person live a life of forced celibacy just because another person is happy to? Additionally, why should a man lose daily access to his kids because he got caught 'playing away' looking for physical contact with another human being in order to make himself feel like part of the human race? Personally, I'd tell my wife that I need sex in my life and if she doesn't want it anymore I consider myself to be single in that respect but still part of a marriage, if that's what she wanted. If she said she didn't want that she'd have to either start having sex with me again or start living as a single mum." actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me | |||
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" reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly..... why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world...... Crush? Crush? Why would the one in a sexless marriage responsible for it being sexless feel crushed? People would do well to remember their wedding vows many years later when they decide they don't want to have sex with their spouse any more. To my mind it is a breach of contract and a man or woman is perfectly entitled to seek sex elsewhere if his/her partner has declared their own sex life to be over, (by either word or deed). Why should one person live a life of forced celibacy just because another person is happy to? Additionally, why should a man lose daily access to his kids because he got caught 'playing away' looking for physical contact with another human being in order to make himself feel like part of the human race? Personally, I'd tell my wife that I need sex in my life and if she doesn't want it anymore I consider myself to be single in that respect but still part of a marriage, if that's what she wanted. If she said she didn't want that she'd have to either start having sex with me again or start living as a single mum. actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me" Agree with the above. There are 2 people in a marriage, not 1. I wouldn't force someone to have sex with me (unless he was cuffed to the bed and blindfolded....) but I do think it's unfair to blame one person and not the other. | |||
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" actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me" What I'm trying to convey in my heavy-handed way is that she would be given a choice, if she wanted the marriage to continue, and that choice would be to restart our sex life or separate. If she made the decision that she wanted the marriage to continue then she'd know the conditions attached to that. So, if we started having sex again it would be with her complicity, not against her wishes. | |||
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" actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me What I'm trying to convey in my heavy-handed way is that she would be given a choice, if she wanted the marriage to continue, and that choice would be to restart our sex life or separate. If she made the decision that she wanted the marriage to continue then she'd know the conditions attached to that. So, if we started having sex again it would be with her complicity, not against her wishes. " But in those conditions she would probably only be having sex because if she didn't she would lose you....which isn't a good thing, for either party. Would you really want sex with someone who is only doing it after an ultimatum and not because she actually wants to? | |||
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" actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me What I'm trying to convey in my heavy-handed way is that she would be given a choice, if she wanted the marriage to continue, and that choice would be to restart our sex life or separate. If she made the decision that she wanted the marriage to continue then she'd know the conditions attached to that. So, if we started having sex again it would be with her complicity, not against her wishes. But in those conditions she would probably only be having sex because if she didn't she would lose you....which isn't a good thing, for either party. Would you really want sex with someone who is only doing it after an ultimatum and not because she actually wants to?" No I wouldn't, but if you read between the lines about what I said it's not just an ultimatum about sex is it? It's more about saving the marriage as a whole, and sex is one part of that. Faced with such an ultimatum could be the wake-up call some people need to have a really good look at their lives and decide if they want a relationship to continue or end. | |||
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" actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me What I'm trying to convey in my heavy-handed way is that she would be given a choice, if she wanted the marriage to continue, and that choice would be to restart our sex life or separate. If she made the decision that she wanted the marriage to continue then she'd know the conditions attached to that. So, if we started having sex again it would be with her complicity, not against her wishes. But in those conditions she would probably only be having sex because if she didn't she would lose you....which isn't a good thing, for either party. Would you really want sex with someone who is only doing it after an ultimatum and not because she actually wants to? No I wouldn't, but if you read between the lines about what I said it's not just an ultimatum about sex is it? It's more about saving the marriage as a whole, and sex is one part of that. Faced with such an ultimatum could be the wake-up call some people need to have a really good look at their lives and decide if they want a relationship to continue or end." | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him." If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him. | |||
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" If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him." Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century? | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him. If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him." Even if it was something she didn't want to do? And would the husband really want a wife who does something out of duty? | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him." Ok, maybe I'm missing the part that says that someone can be in love with someone but not want to have a physical relationship with that person. I cannot comprehend that. It simply doesn't compute with me at all as I believe wholeheartedly that the physical closeness of a sexual relationship cements the whole union and when sex is withdrawn, to me, it's a statement that basically says "I don't fancy you anymore." And that's when I would walk. | |||
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" If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him. Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century?" I cant help the way i feel. why is it so wrong anyway? | |||
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" If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him. Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century? I cant help the way i feel. why is it so wrong anyway?" Maybe a better way of putting it would be that if she loves him she'd want to please him anyway, and vice versa. | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him. Ok, maybe I'm missing the part that says that someone can be in love with someone but not want to have a physical relationship with that person. I cannot comprehend that. It simply doesn't compute with me at all as I believe wholeheartedly that the physical closeness of a sexual relationship cements the whole union and when sex is withdrawn, to me, it's a statement that basically says "I don't fancy you anymore." And that's when I would walk." Do those rules also apply if through illness and/or disability that person loses their sex drive? They still love you just as much and you love them. The willingness to feel desire is still there but it can't be felt? Or, they still desire you but physically can't do anything about it? | |||
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" If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him. Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century? I cant help the way i feel. why is it so wrong anyway?" She'd do anything? Rob a bank? Eat bad food? Swing when she doesn't want to? Women have as much right to express their feelings within a relationship as men, and if she is made to feel unhappy, then something is wrong. And the same goes for men. We are equal in this country (at least I blimmin' hope so!) | |||
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" If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him. Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century? I cant help the way i feel. why is it so wrong anyway?" And, equally, if a man truly loves his wife he will do anything for her. The comments have not come from a sense of equality and fairness being exercised in the relationship but from the fact that there is a deception in the OP case and an ultimatum in the Wishy statement. | |||
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"I can never love anyone enough to forego my freedom, independence and values that I hold dear. " Agreed! | |||
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"pmsl muffmuncher.what century do you come from? "housekeeping??" " pmsl.... | |||
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"I can never love anyone enough to forego my freedom, independence and values that I hold dear. " tra's and my relationship in independent and interdependant and we share the same values.that's probably why after 31 years we still love each other to bits the sex stuff? it's just that...stuff | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him. Ok, maybe I'm missing the part that says that someone can be in love with someone but not want to have a physical relationship with that person. I cannot comprehend that. It simply doesn't compute with me at all as I believe wholeheartedly that the physical closeness of a sexual relationship cements the whole union and when sex is withdrawn, to me, it's a statement that basically says "I don't fancy you anymore." And that's when I would walk." I mentionned that to my Grandad Wishy, he agrres with you and said he would walk too. If he could. | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him. Ok, maybe I'm missing the part that says that someone can be in love with someone but not want to have a physical relationship with that person. I cannot comprehend that. It simply doesn't compute with me at all as I believe wholeheartedly that the physical closeness of a sexual relationship cements the whole union and when sex is withdrawn, to me, it's a statement that basically says "I don't fancy you anymore." And that's when I would walk." Illness etc can put you off sex. I sincerely hope I'd pick a man who loved me enough, understood and put our life and love above a temporary loss of libido. As for the op, personally don't see his problem. He knew 30 years ago his wife wasn't interested in sex so hardly a revelation! | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him. Ok, maybe I'm missing the part that says that someone can be in love with someone but not want to have a physical relationship with that person. I cannot comprehend that. It simply doesn't compute with me at all as I believe wholeheartedly that the physical closeness of a sexual relationship cements the whole union and when sex is withdrawn, to me, it's a statement that basically says "I don't fancy you anymore." And that's when I would walk. Illness etc can put you off sex. I sincerely hope I'd pick a man who loved me enough, understood and put our life and love above a temporary loss of libido. As for the op, personally don't see his problem. He knew 30 years ago his wife wasn't interested in sex so hardly a revelation!" No? Well some people dont develop there sexual identity later in life do they. don't think 90% of people here were swinging within a month of getting married. Blinkers off is a really good way to see more on life. | |||
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"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk. Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him. Ok, maybe I'm missing the part that says that someone can be in love with someone but not want to have a physical relationship with that person. I cannot comprehend that. It simply doesn't compute with me at all as I believe wholeheartedly that the physical closeness of a sexual relationship cements the whole union and when sex is withdrawn, to me, it's a statement that basically says "I don't fancy you anymore." And that's when I would walk. Do those rules also apply if through illness and/or disability that person loses their sex drive? They still love you just as much and you love them. The willingness to feel desire is still there but it can't be felt? Or, they still desire you but physically can't do anything about it?" I think the key part of my statement was "not WANT to have a physical relationship with that person" - I didn't mention not being able to have a physical relationship as that doesn't involve a choice. Take my own situation: Siren has either been pregnant or breastfeeding for the best part of three years and her sex drive has fallen throught the floor. She hasn't WANTED to have sex. Yes, it's been tough on our relationship but I understand the enormous demands childbearing has had on her body, coupled with the insane tiredness she's felt, but with our youngest now 7 months old and weaning onto bottled milk/solids, Siren now feels ready to restart our sex life. I am still here because I love her and our children, but if we're not having regular sex twelve months from now I shall be asking serious questions about the nature of our relationship. Will it have fundamentally changed so much so that we're no longer lovers? The answer to that one question will tell me what to do from that point on. | |||
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"Everyone ends up doing what they don't want at times. Tell her you don't like your job so no housekeeping, get stuff into context. Ultimatums are the best rout! Trust me I'm divorced. " | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... " meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands | |||
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" actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me What I'm trying to convey in my heavy-handed way is that she would be given a choice, if she wanted the marriage to continue, and that choice would be to restart our sex life or separate. If she made the decision that she wanted the marriage to continue then she'd know the conditions attached to that. So, if we started having sex again it would be with her complicity, not against her wishes. " even with breach of contract, communication has to be made about any proceedings to take further action. to just decide yourself to take matters into your own pants and seek something missing UNDER CONTRACT elsewhere, would be breaching that self same contract (as well as shattering those vows you spoke of). said it before, say it again, let the OH decide whats wrong by telling them what you intend to do. IF they love you, in a platonic way, and are happy for you to be getting the physical attention you crave elsewhere, then thats fine and dandy, i wouldnt judge anyone for that (have met a few people at parties and clubs that live like this, and although its a wierd way as far as we are concerned, they say it saves their marriage, and they are both happy). like has been said before, its not people having sex with others that people find deplorable, its the deviousness of it. | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands" Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes. | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes. " the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION. if op, and many others, had sat the OH down, said 'look, i need sex. we will give it a try o reinvigorate our sexlife, but if it doesnt happen, then im afraid i will need to look elsewhere. i sitll love you and dont want to lose you, hence we are having this conversation. i have contacted a marriage counciller and we can go when you feel ready' thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple. its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival. if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want. | |||
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"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes. the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION. if op, and many others, had sat the OH down, said 'look, i need sex. we will give it a try o reinvigorate our sexlife, but if it doesnt happen, then im afraid i will need to look elsewhere. i sitll love you and dont want to lose you, hence we are having this conversation. i have contacted a marriage counciller and we can go when you feel ready' thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple. its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival. if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want." LOOK using CAPITALS firstly is a little crass. Secondly you are preaching and you really don't have a clue about the real state of whistlers situation. Its a troubled post by someone who is in an difficult situation. Now if I follow suit and make snap judgements like yourself I would say you come across as being very insecure in your relationship and there is a degree of mistrust between you. You see we can all make assumptions. | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes. the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION. if op, and many others, had sat the OH down, said 'look, i need sex. we will give it a try o reinvigorate our sexlife, but if it doesnt happen, then im afraid i will need to look elsewhere. i sitll love you and dont want to lose you, hence we are having this conversation. i have contacted a marriage counciller and we can go when you feel ready' thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple. its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival. if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want. LOOK using CAPITALS firstly is a little crass. Secondly you are preaching and you really don't have a clue about the real state of whistlers situation. Its a troubled post by someone who is in an difficult situation. Now if I follow suit and make snap judgements like yourself I would say you come across as being very insecure in your relationship and there is a degree of mistrust between you. You see we can all make assumptions. " At the end of the day it is about how the OP feels and he must talk to his wife about the situation and the fact that he is on this site. The last thing he wants is to be caught out/discovered using this site. | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes. the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION. if op, and many others, had sat the OH down, said 'look, i need sex. we will give it a try o reinvigorate our sexlife, but if it doesnt happen, then im afraid i will need to look elsewhere. i sitll love you and dont want to lose you, hence we are having this conversation. i have contacted a marriage counciller and we can go when you feel ready' thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple. its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival. if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want. LOOK using CAPITALS firstly is a little crass. Secondly you are preaching and you really don't have a clue about the real state of whistlers situation. Its a troubled post by someone who is in an difficult situation. Now if I follow suit and make snap judgements like yourself I would say you come across as being very insecure in your relationship and there is a degree of mistrust between you. You see we can all make assumptions. " | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
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Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes. the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION. if op, and many others, had sat the OH down, said 'look, i need sex. we will give it a try o reinvigorate our sexlife, but if it doesnt happen, then im afraid i will need to look elsewhere. i sitll love you and dont want to lose you, hence we are having this conversation. i have contacted a marriage counciller and we can go when you feel ready' thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple. its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival. if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want. LOOK using CAPITALS firstly is a little crass. Secondly you are preaching and you really don't have a clue about the real state of whistlers situation. Its a troubled post by someone who is in an difficult situation. Now if I follow suit and make snap judgements like yourself I would say you come across as being very insecure in your relationship and there is a degree of mistrust between you. You see we can all make assumptions. " the use f constant capitals is a little crass, i agree. the use of capitals to emphasise certain words is what literacy is all about. please show me where any of my posts suggests i am insecure about my relationship? even generalisations have to have a small amount of truth to hang on to. i am not saying anything more than others have already posted on this thread, so why are you actually attacking me personally? | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
"What about the issue of forced celibacy on one partner by the other? Why does one person have to give up a sex life because his/her partner has decided that they no longer want to have sex (with him/her/anyone). We're only on this planet once and I see no reason why a person shouldn't seek sex elsewhere if his/her chosen partner has withdrawn it. It's a bit rich to say to someone, "you can't fuck me anymore, but you can't fuck anyone else either."" absolutely agree, BUT you quoted vows and contracts, and to go off to find something you arent getting under that contract, is in itself a breach of it. thats why communication is so important. as you have stated yourself, you have talked to siren about the situation, and understand her position in the time. however, if the tables were turned, would you accept siren to be going off with anyone else behind your back because your job has become too stressful, long hours and so on? i really dont think so, mate. | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
"What about the issue of forced celibacy on one partner by the other? It's a bit rich to say to someone, "you can't fuck me anymore, but you can't fuck anyone else either."" I do agree with this point. This not refer to you Wishy or any of your posts on this subject. I get approached by married men all the time and they go through my difficult bint counselling programme if they choose to contact me. I have found that for a majority of them it is one rule for them and another for their wife. Nearly all have said that they would be devastated if they found their wife on here or that she was having an affair. Even the ones that say they know they wouldn't be able to blame her as they are the ones witholding sex in the marriage. | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
"Do we really have to have all this quoting and requoting? EDIT EDIT EDIT! " wish i read this first lol | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |
"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years).... "In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......" Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP. Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote ..... This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating? I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in. To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do welcome and a great post _iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction... "It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. " nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish..... wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on..... I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them" I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else. people can justify it how they like: its about security its for the kids its just sex WHATEVER! IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not. thats putting the decision back in their hands Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes. the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION. if op, and many others, had sat the OH down, said 'look, i need sex. we will give it a try o reinvigorate our sexlife, but if it doesnt happen, then im afraid i will need to look elsewhere. i sitll love you and dont want to lose you, hence we are having this conversation. i have contacted a marriage counciller and we can go when you feel ready' thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple. its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival. if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want. LOOK using CAPITALS firstly is a little crass. Secondly you are preaching and you really don't have a clue about the real state of whistlers situation. Its a troubled post by someone who is in an difficult situation. Now if I follow suit and make snap judgements like yourself I would say you come across as being very insecure in your relationship and there is a degree of mistrust between you. You see we can all make assumptions. the use f constant capitals is a little crass, i agree. the use of capitals to emphasise certain words is what literacy is all about. please show me where any of my posts suggests i am insecure about my relationship? even generalisations have to have a small amount of truth to hang on to. i am not saying anything more than others have already posted on this thread, so why are you actually attacking me personally?" No I am 100% sure you are insecure!! Ok I'm not attacking you any more than you are the thread starter what I am doing is making a point. I think the thread starter is probably I some turmoil, he will have only hinted ad a fragment of his situation and its pointless castigating him where he could really do with some constructive advice. | |||
Reply privately (closed, thread got too big) |