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Auntie Ps advice line
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Yeah yeah yeah, leave your life conundrums here and all that shit. All problems welcome and will be dealt with professionally with discretion.
So, what's grinding your gears?
What's tickling your pickle?
Need revenge, forgiveness or adoration?
As always, grab yourself a pinch of salt and prepare for arresting if you take said advice.
*disclaimer- you are an idiot of mammoth proportion if you believe a word of the first paragraph. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Evening Auntie P 
I can't decide weather to put my PJ's on and slump in front of the TV when I've finished in the bath or if I should get myself all dressed up and take some new pics? What do ya think? |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"After I get home , can you blow up trains for me please .
I mean ALL trains , fuckin useless cuntin things  "
That could be problematic in the future..... |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
Aunty P! Thank goodness you're here!
I seem to be suffering from a severe lack of energy and sudden lethargy. Would self made orgasms help or do you have a better solution? |
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Good evening Aunty P.
I'd like to thank you for this opportunity to receive your advice. My problems as always are huge ones and this is no exception.
I have fat balls. I am not having a great success with my fat balls. I put them out for the birds but the fucking squirrels fondle and nibble them.
Why won't the squirrels die Aunty P?
Anyway ..... how can I make my balls accessible to birdies but not to squirrels.... I've put the squirrels loads of hazelnuts but the cat sits next to them ...... sigh ..... |
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"After I get home , can you blow up trains for me please .
I mean ALL trains , fuckin useless cuntin things "
Do your own fucking dirty work!
What you're gonna need to do is make your own train set out of loo roll tubes, take it in the garden and set fire to it.
The flames will have a calming influence and if you're lucky any toxic fumes will let you sleep a while. It'll likely piss down of rain so you'll not get burned whilst out cold but will receive a shower to wash your evil thoughts away.
Man, I thought I was a twisted cunt but you outdid me on the first post.
|
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"After I get home , can you blow up trains for me please .
I mean ALL trains , fuckin useless cuntin things
Do your own fucking dirty work!
What you're gonna need to do is make your own train set out of loo roll tubes, take it in the garden and set fire to it.
The flames will have a calming influence and if you're lucky any toxic fumes will let you sleep a while. It'll likely piss down of rain so you'll not get burned whilst out cold but will receive a shower to wash your evil thoughts away.
Man, I thought I was a twisted cunt but you outdid me on the first post.
"
I feel honoured to have outdone you Peach . That's actually cheered me up  |
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"Evening Auntie P
I can't decide weather to put my PJ's on and slump in front of the TV when I've finished in the bath or if I should get myself all dressed up and take some new pics? What do ya think? "
Ooooo lala!
What you're gonna have to do is check the telly guide. You don't wanna miss something good and then be angry at yourself.
While you're doing that I'll disable the telly anyway with my magic voodoo electric power shizzle so you think it's destiny to take some pics. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Dear Auntie P
In my current knickerless days I'm finding I get aroused often but I'm wary of leaving marks of said arousal. How do I a) stop getting aroused so often? Even Alex Horne is having that effect on me and b) not leave sticky residue everywhere?
Yours hornily
Meli Ectoplasming Horn. |
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"Auntie P, how can I prevent my agéd father from causing further havoc with technological devices that he doesn't understand? Mrs KC's Tech Know How Helpline has reached the end of its tether  "
Doh! you put your 3 year old on helpline duties. We all know kids are fucking geniuses with tech. Little cunts make us look thick. |
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"Aunty P! Thank goodness you're here!
I seem to be suffering from a severe lack of energy and sudden lethargy. Would self made orgasms help or do you have a better solution?"
Ahhhh, depends don't it. Is throbbin your bean gonna tire you out even more or does it give you duracell bunny like powers?
If I were you I'd lay back and let someone else do the work.
Maybe a massage.
If you fart and don't freak out they know you're so relaxed you're probably snoozing |
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"Good evening Aunty P.
I'd like to thank you for this opportunity to receive your advice. My problems as always are huge ones and this is no exception.
I have fat balls. I am not having a great success with my fat balls. I put them out for the birds but the fucking squirrels fondle and nibble them.
Why won't the squirrels die Aunty P?
Anyway ..... how can I make my balls accessible to birdies but not to squirrels.... I've put the squirrels loads of hazelnuts but the cat sits next to them ...... sigh ....."
You accept that squirrels are sneaky fuckers that can only be beaten with weaponry.
You're gonna have to learn to love em, or splat em.
Ooo oooo oooooo or maybe get a toy cyril, pose it tail aloft like it's wanting to get boned or something. A dirty decoy away from the fat balls.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
In my current knickerless days I'm finding I get aroused often but I'm wary of leaving marks of said arousal. How do I a) stop getting aroused so often? Even Alex Horne is having that effect on me and b) not leave sticky residue everywhere?
Yours hornily
Meli Ectoplasming Horn."
Ghostly cum stains. Thats a new one  |
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"Dear Auntie P
In my current knickerless days I'm finding I get aroused often but I'm wary of leaving marks of said arousal. How do I a) stop getting aroused so often? Even Alex Horne is having that effect on me and b) not leave sticky residue everywhere?
Yours hornily
Meli Ectoplasming Horn."
Oh Melificent, 2 choices.
Either adult nappies (of which I think you'll look cute as a button) or blame the snail trail on actual snails.
You can keep giant ones as pets ya know, and I'm certain they'll not be too bothered getting the finger pointed at them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear Auntie P
In my current knickerless days I'm finding I get aroused often but I'm wary of leaving marks of said arousal. How do I a) stop getting aroused so often? Even Alex Horne is having that effect on me and b) not leave sticky residue everywhere?
Yours hornily
Meli Ectoplasming Horn."
Little Alex Horne is giving you the horn? How ironic.
I suggest you Taskmasturbate. |
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Auntie P
As some on this site know I’m a bit of an 80’s film nerd and treat myself to a dvd weekends.
I’m absolutely torn between watching weird science or the breakfast club! It’s ruining my Sunday evening and things are becoming unclear and muddled as I descend into uncertainty.....help me _rincess peach your my only hope. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I cant sit without doing anything which leads me to looking at my phone in Bath, I need something or someone to keep me busy while in the bath that isn't looking at my Phone... Grr |
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"Auntie P
As some on this site know I’m a bit of an 80’s film nerd and treat myself to a dvd weekends.
I’m absolutely torn between watching weird science or the breakfast club! It’s ruining my Sunday evening and things are becoming unclear and muddled as I descend into uncertainty.....help me _rincess peach your my only hope."
That ain't even a dilemma. The answer is grab some snacks, plenty to drink, fuck it, even a potty so you don't need to leave the room. You watch them both ffs!
One rule tho... you gotta say "my balls are halfway up my arse but other than that I'm perfect" and "if he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Evening aunty P.
I've misplaced a bank card. Looked in all the places it should probably be, under the sofa, bags, pockets, car etc and still no joy.
I clearly haven't looked where it actually is and can't think where that might be.
I retraced my steps too.
It's actually annoying me now. |
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"So we’ve had loads of sex for most of the day, can’t decide whether to continue or sort out tea? Food or sex?
Mrs ikc"
Both, double end a cucumber or marrow. Or play ping pong fanny balls with leftover sprouts.
Once you've eaten your veg you can move onto dessert |
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"Auntie P
As some on this site know I’m a bit of an 80’s film nerd and treat myself to a dvd weekends.
I’m absolutely torn between watching weird science or the breakfast club! It’s ruining my Sunday evening and things are becoming unclear and muddled as I descend into uncertainty.....help me _rincess peach your my only hope.
That ain't even a dilemma. The answer is grab some snacks, plenty to drink, fuck it, even a potty so you don't need to leave the room. You watch them both ffs!
One rule tho... you gotta say "my balls are halfway up my arse but other than that I'm perfect" and "if he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy""
Thanks Auntie P, all is well again |
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Auntie P, thank goodness you’re here!
I’m trying some dating sites but not sure what to put on my profile there - should I include highlights of my Fab veris as proof of my desirability?
Would putting “A solid 5/10 in the sack” and “not as much of a twat as I expected” get the right message across? |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Aunty P! Thank goodness you're here!
I seem to be suffering from a severe lack of energy and sudden lethargy. Would self made orgasms help or do you have a better solution?
Ahhhh, depends don't it. Is throbbin your bean gonna tire you out even more or does it give you duracell bunny like powers?
If I were you I'd lay back and let someone else do the work.
Maybe a massage.
If you fart and don't freak out they know you're so relaxed you're probably snoozing "
Oh Aunty P.... you're a genius.
There's just one small problem, minor detail. No one close enough is making me want to have them come work me over.... |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Dear Auntie P
In my current knickerless days I'm finding I get aroused often but I'm wary of leaving marks of said arousal. How do I a) stop getting aroused so often? Even Alex Horne is having that effect on me and b) not leave sticky residue everywhere?
Yours hornily
Meli Ectoplasming Horn.
Little Alex Horne is giving you the horn? How ironic.
I suggest you Taskmasturbate."
Good idea Estragon, you're not just a good pair of thighs clearly. If you're free later I can always set you a task or two. I'd love to see if you can rise to the challenge.
|
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"How can an average single dad stand out from the crowd here ?
Is my profile too bland "
Ahem...
*takes calming breath*
Yes it's bland, I suppose if it was a food it would be lumpy mash potato that's lacking butter, milk and pepper.
Okay, maybe it isn't THAT bland.
Your text aint too bad really, says what you want and a bit about you, so gotta give ya kudos there.
Your pics tho 
Where's the personality? I took a peep and now need to see an eye surgeon due to retinal bruising, that beast jumps right out at ya without warning. I knew a 3D phone was a bad fucking idea.
Ultimately, your profile is your profile, and should be (in my opinion) a pretty accurate representation of you. If you want people to think you're a cock then keep it just as it is, coz that's what you see when you look at the pics. A giant penis.
Who knows, there may be a creamy milky peppery minge who's perfect match is lumpy mash penis.
|
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"I cant sit without doing anything which leads me to looking at my phone in Bath, I need something or someone to keep me busy while in the bath that isn't looking at my Phone... Grr"
Music on your phone, have a shower instead. Less likely to drown and will force you to leave your phone on the window ledge whilst washing.
|
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"Evening aunty P.
I've misplaced a bank card. Looked in all the places it should probably be, under the sofa, bags, pockets, car etc and still no joy.
I clearly haven't looked where it actually is and can't think where that might be.
I retraced my steps too.
It's actually annoying me now. "
I know this one!
Happened to me a few Xmases ago.
It's in the tree decorations box/bag.
Found mine the following year. Cunting thing. |
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"Auntie P
As some on this site know I’m a bit of an 80’s film nerd and treat myself to a dvd weekends.
I’m absolutely torn between watching weird science or the breakfast club! It’s ruining my Sunday evening and things are becoming unclear and muddled as I descend into uncertainty.....help me _rincess peach your my only hope.
That ain't even a dilemma. The answer is grab some snacks, plenty to drink, fuck it, even a potty so you don't need to leave the room. You watch them both ffs!
One rule tho... you gotta say "my balls are halfway up my arse but other than that I'm perfect" and "if he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy"
Thanks Auntie P, all is well again "
Very welcome.
Did I mention the part where you do a new picture dressed as Bender?
Oooft |
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"Auntie P, thank goodness you’re here!
I’m trying some dating sites but not sure what to put on my profile there - should I include highlights of my Fab veris as proof of my desirability?
Would putting “A solid 5/10 in the sack” and “not as much of a twat as I expected” get the right message across?"
You simply say..... Auntie P accredits me with being a top bloke, and that bitchez is all you need to know. Kapow |
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"Hi auntie
When I was younger and got a hard on , I could not bend with both hands
Now I’m older I can bend it with one hand ,
Does this mean I’m getting stronger??"
Someone has been eating their spinach. Way to go Popeye |
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"Aunty P! Thank goodness you're here!
I seem to be suffering from a severe lack of energy and sudden lethargy. Would self made orgasms help or do you have a better solution?
Ahhhh, depends don't it. Is throbbin your bean gonna tire you out even more or does it give you duracell bunny like powers?
If I were you I'd lay back and let someone else do the work.
Maybe a massage.
If you fart and don't freak out they know you're so relaxed you're probably snoozing
Oh Aunty P.... you're a genius.
There's just one small problem, minor detail. No one close enough is making me want to have them come work me over...."
Oh ffs. You got any washing to do? Quick wash and big spin, can take a seat.
Even better if you got a rubber dong with a sucker on the bottom so you don't fly off the machine as it hits turbo |
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"Auntie P, thank goodness you’re here!
I’m trying some dating sites but not sure what to put on my profile there - should I include highlights of my Fab veris as proof of my desirability?
Would putting “A solid 5/10 in the sack” and “not as much of a twat as I expected” get the right message across?
You simply say..... Auntie P accredits me with being a top bloke, and that bitchez is all you need to know. Kapow "
Woo-hoo, so that “Auntie P seal of approval” you made me get tattooed on my arse was worth it?  |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Aunty P! Thank goodness you're here!
I seem to be suffering from a severe lack of energy and sudden lethargy. Would self made orgasms help or do you have a better solution?
Ahhhh, depends don't it. Is throbbin your bean gonna tire you out even more or does it give you duracell bunny like powers?
If I were you I'd lay back and let someone else do the work.
Maybe a massage.
If you fart and don't freak out they know you're so relaxed you're probably snoozing
Oh Aunty P.... you're a genius.
There's just one small problem, minor detail. No one close enough is making me want to have them come work me over....
Oh ffs. You got any washing to do? Quick wash and big spin, can take a seat.
Even better if you got a rubber dong with a sucker on the bottom so you don't fly off the machine as it hits turbo "
Thanks Aunty P |
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"Auntie P, thank goodness you’re here!
I’m trying some dating sites but not sure what to put on my profile there - should I include highlights of my Fab veris as proof of my desirability?
Would putting “A solid 5/10 in the sack” and “not as much of a twat as I expected” get the right message across?
You simply say..... Auntie P accredits me with being a top bloke, and that bitchez is all you need to know. Kapow
Woo-hoo, so that “Auntie P seal of approval” you made me get tattooed on my arse was worth it? "
All you had to do was trust me and now it all makes sense eh?  |
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Hey Auntie P. 
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! ! 
Jo.Xx |
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"Auntie P
As some on this site know I’m a bit of an 80’s film nerd and treat myself to a dvd weekends.
I’m absolutely torn between watching weird science or the breakfast club! It’s ruining my Sunday evening and things are becoming unclear and muddled as I descend into uncertainty.....help me _rincess peach your my only hope.
That ain't even a dilemma. The answer is grab some snacks, plenty to drink, fuck it, even a potty so you don't need to leave the room. You watch them both ffs!
One rule tho... you gotta say "my balls are halfway up my arse but other than that I'm perfect" and "if he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy"
Thanks Auntie P, all is well again
Very welcome.
Did I mention the part where you do a new picture dressed as Bender?
Oooft "
No but I’ll be rummaging through oxfams first thing for a Bender outfit |
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"Hey Auntie P.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! !
Jo.Xx "
Always!
Sooooooooo, you got banannananananas in your fruit bowl? I'm taking a guess you have a fruit bowl being the wholesome types that you are. Them nanas are a good energy release. For a really quick hit, have a snickers first. Oooft.
If it fails, fear not, it will have tasted good.
Now... D 
Solo fun can be quite awesome indeed. You could always do a bit of directing Jo, do the sexy talk, or watch back some vids you've made. If that fails, send a chopper my way, I'll even shave my balloon knot and take the burden off you for a night
|
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"Hey Auntie P.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! !
Jo.Xx "
Bollocks to Auntie P, I can help with that |
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"Home from work been bathed but can't be arsed to cook a proper meal, so I slammed 2 pizzas in the oven.
You think that will satisfy my cravings for sex?"
Well is the pizza clunge flavour?
2 pizzas though should bloat you enough to want to sleep, so I reckon you'll be just dandy. Pop your fleshlight under the pillow though just in case. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So we’ve had loads of sex for most of the day, can’t decide whether to continue or sort out tea? Food or sex?
Mrs ikc
Both, double end a cucumber or marrow. Or play ping pong fanny balls with leftover sprouts.
Once you've eaten your veg you can move onto dessert "
 |
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"Aunty p ...is it beer o clock yet...and what can I do with the spare wine in the bottle in my fridge?"
What do you mean yet? You know that point when you opened your peepers and did a big stretch, that was the acceptable time. Xmas and all that malarkey.
How much cheese ya got? I'm hankering for a cheese board and as everyone knows a cheeseboard needs wine. |
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"Hey Auntie P.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! !
Jo.Xx
Always!
Sooooooooo, you got banannananananas in your fruit bowl? I'm taking a guess you have a fruit bowl being the wholesome types that you are. Them nanas are a good energy release. For a really quick hit, have a snickers first. Oooft.
If it fails, fear not, it will have tasted good.
Now... D
Solo fun can be quite awesome indeed. You could always do a bit of directing Jo, do the sexy talk, or watch back some vids you've made. If that fails, send a chopper my way, I'll even shave my balloon knot and take the burden off you for a night
"
Hahaha
Brilliant this is exactly the response I was hoping for.
I'm so glad I can rely on you Auntie P.
I have a chopper on standby, D has gone for a banana.
Jo.Xx |
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"Hey Auntie P.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! !
Jo.Xx
Bollocks to Auntie P, I can help with that "
Ooh you can?! Do tell?! 
Jo.Xx |
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"Hey Auntie P.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! !
Jo.Xx
Always!
Sooooooooo, you got banannananananas in your fruit bowl? I'm taking a guess you have a fruit bowl being the wholesome types that you are. Them nanas are a good energy release. For a really quick hit, have a snickers first. Oooft.
If it fails, fear not, it will have tasted good.
Now... D
Solo fun can be quite awesome indeed. You could always do a bit of directing Jo, do the sexy talk, or watch back some vids you've made. If that fails, send a chopper my way, I'll even shave my balloon knot and take the burden off you for a night
Hahaha
Brilliant this is exactly the response I was hoping for.
I'm so glad I can rely on you Auntie P.
I have a chopper on standby, D has gone for a banana.
Jo.Xx "
Sweeeeeeeet |
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"Should I stick with GGG Match or reload my own?"
I have no chuffing clue what any of that means, so use your creative side and reload your own.
Put a bit of glitter from your shitter in it though, jazz it up somewhat. Make it all spesh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Should I stick with GGG Match or reload my own?
I have no chuffing clue what any of that means, so use your creative side and reload your own.
Put a bit of glitter from your shitter in it though, jazz it up somewhat. Make it all spesh."
Creative it is.. |
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"Is shitting in someone’s shoe classed as revenge? Asking for a friend obvs.
Revenge? Fuck no, that's merely a sign that you're good mates!
You must have played shoe shit showdown before?"
This is what I said. I don’t understand why the mother in law was so upset. Ruined my Christmas she did. Ruined it |
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"Is shitting in someone’s shoe classed as revenge? Asking for a friend obvs.
Revenge? Fuck no, that's merely a sign that you're good mates!
You must have played shoe shit showdown before?
This is what I said. I don’t understand why the mother in law was so upset. Ruined my Christmas she did. Ruined it "
Silly old bag clearly doesn't wanna be buddies. |
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"Hey Auntie P.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! !
Jo.Xx
Bollocks to Auntie P, I can help with that
Ooh you can?! Do tell?!
Jo.Xx "
I can - send him this way and we'll send you the pictorial evidence |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Good afternoon Aunty P
Why does time go fast when you are having fun but go slow otherwise?
It's nearly X o'clock already and it feels like I only just got up.  |
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"Good afternoon Aunty P
Why does time go fast when you are having fun but go slow otherwise?
It's nearly X o'clock already and it feels like I only just got up. "
Coz time, like life is a fucking prick!
Don't tell anyone..... change your clocks back to 12 hours ago. It'll still be the same time to look at, but will officially be morning. Just keep the curtains closed eh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Good afternoon Aunty P
Why does time go fast when you are having fun but go slow otherwise?
It's nearly X o'clock already and it feels like I only just got up.
Coz time, like life is a fucking prick!
Don't tell anyone..... change your clocks back to 12 hours ago. It'll still be the same time to look at, but will officially be morning. Just keep the curtains closed eh."
I'll change them back 6 hours. Nice one Aunty P.  |
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"Hey Auntie P.
Hope you had a lovely Christmas.
I lost my get up and go. But its OK because I got nowhere to go.
D could do with having a good going over though and I need energy for that.
You got any suggestions?! !
Jo.Xx
Bollocks to Auntie P, I can help with that
Ooh you can?! Do tell?!
Jo.Xx
I can - send him this way and we'll send you the pictorial evidence "
Ooooh Kinky MrsKC!!
He's on his way!
Jo.Xx |
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"Which bit is my new fit bit supposed to fit?"
Not round your tummy or bellend. That's all I know.
If you wanna get fit without putting the work in, use it as a cat collar and start waving feathers and stuff around. You'll have a zillion steps in before you know it and only wrist rolled. |
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