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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Queen mum and Elton John & Freddie Mercury go to heaven and St Peter is at the gates and says oh we only have room for 1.
So you must tell me why you get a place in heaven 
Freddie say I was the lead singer of Queen and sold millions of records.
Elton J says I also sold millions of records but I also sang at Lady Diana's furneral.
Hmm says Peter, just then the Queen mother pulls of a glass drops her knickers and pisses in the glass
Wow says Peter, go ahead Queen mum the spot in heavens yours.
Outraged Elton and Freddie ask why, well Peter says a royal flush beats a pair of queens and day  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man walks into a library and says do you have any books on Pavlov's Dog, or Schroedinger's Cat. The librarian says 'well maybe we do and maybe we don't, but the name rings a bell' |
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I went to the doctor for my company medical during which he cupped my balls in his hand
"I think it would be prudent for you to stop masturbating" he said
Shocked, I asked "how long for?????"
"Up to you", he replied, "just let me finish your examination first" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in the pub with a mate a while back and these rough girls starting mouthing off at us.
My friend said 'pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone.'
I only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A scientist today admitted that he paid a prostitute over a thousand pounds to take a special drug with some sparkling water in attempts to increase her IQ to over 80.
The experiment failed, however, it does prove: you can lead a whore to water but you can’t make her think! |
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as the coffin was being lowered at the traffic wardens funeral
a voice screamed knocking on the lid
"let me out im not dead"
the smiling vicar replied
"tough shit mate the paperwork has already been done"' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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grandad sitting down with grandson watching news
grandad" war, bad economy ,unemployment"
grandson" tell me something i don't know"
grandad" your grandma can take up the arse up to the elbow" |
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"Two jump leads walk into a bar...
The barman says “alright, i’ll serve you, but I dont want you starting anything”"
funny you should say that i was in a restaurant last night
some d*unken idiot must have taken exception to me and threw a prawn cocktail at my head
and said "and thats just for fuckin starters" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
“I kicked her in the face.” |
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