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Confidence
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Today I had a conversation with someone about confidence, what gives you it, and ways to help yourself. No one else will give you your confidence. It's called SELF confidence for a reason.
What makes you confident? And I don't mean just sexually, I mean as a person in your own skin, home life, work life and so on.
If your confidence dips what do you do to get it back? Do you recognise when it dips and that you need to get it back?
Do you have mantras or sayings that help or something else?
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
I have to partially disagree with nobody will give you confidence.
Sure it's not true self confidence but having other people around, or objects or whatever can make all the difference in levels of confidence for some people. Even the time of day, or setting can make a very shy person raise their confidence levels.
Nobody can say to you "be confident" and cause you to be, but they can empower you, even if you don't realise it. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
Just life experiences really. I’ve made it through some pretty character building stuff (as we all have) unscathed, wiser and more confident in myself.
Plus I realised a few years back that life is fleeting and we really need to do our best to make the most of it whilst we can, because who knows, we might not wake up in the morning. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
“There is no such thing as a wrong decision, only an ill informed one”
I try and motivate the people in my life to be more confident, especially new people to the kink scene.
Confidence in ones self is key, you are the only person you can rely on.
In my experience most people “lack” confidence due to their fear of how people will perceive or judge them.
There is also a fine line between confidence and arrogance. |
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Self compassion. I am good enough as I am, my struggles are shared. I have gifts others don't have, they have gifts I don't have. It's not a competition.
Making it not comparative or competitive means that it works when things are working and when everything has gone to shit. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have to partially disagree with nobody will give you confidence.
Sure it's not true self confidence but having other people around, or objects or whatever can make all the difference in levels of confidence for some people. Even the time of day, or setting can make a very shy person raise their confidence levels.
Nobody can say to you "be confident" and cause you to be, but they can empower you, even if you don't realise it. "
True and I agree, but although they can empower or help with confidence it's a contribution to it overall. You could do everything to help someone feel confidence for them not to feel it still. I think a lot of it comes from within. |
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Hi .. i lack confidence in every day life things .. in a crowded room I find it hard to make conversation.. but anyone brings up a sexual conversation you can’t shut me up .. if only I had this confidence in every day life x |
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Here's a little mantra I keep in my house
There's a reason so many people are more negative on themselves than others are.
We focus too much on what we know we could do but didn't.
While those outside focus on what they saw us accomplish.
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It's not something that I've ever really lacked, but on the odd occasions when I have a bit of a confidence wobble, I'm very much of the "fake it 'til you make it" mindset.
I do sort of agree with Kietonels point...but for me personally negative people (or just people with vibes that don't sit well with mine) don't knock my confidence, it's more a case of just making me lose some of my lust for life, causing me to be a bit withdrawn and seemingly less confident. But people that I gel with and who get me, they can make me feel invincible |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was overly confident when I was younger, but the school of tough experiences reduced that. I’ve always felt nervous before new situations, groups, etc, but have managed that and as I settle I feel more confident. Confidence, self worth/esteem and capability are inextricably linked for me. If I feel both capable and my self esteem is in good shape I feel confident. If I don’t feel capable, or my self-esteem has taken a knock I feel less confident. I’m not confident sexually but that’s not the subject of this thread. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I disagree that no one else will give you confidence, often it can be someone showing faith or trust in you when you doubt yourself that can give you the confidence in the long run, the thinking that if this person who I respect thinks I can do it, then maybe I can. Confidence means to trust, self confidence simply means to trust ones self. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sex is pretty much the only thing I'm confident about. I'm a nervous wreck in most other situations! I think that's why I embrace it so much, in the hope that side of me will filter into the rest of my life. |
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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago
Travelling |
"I have to partially disagree with nobody will give you confidence.
Sure it's not true self confidence but having other people around, or objects or whatever can make all the difference in levels of confidence for some people. Even the time of day, or setting can make a very shy person raise their confidence levels.
Nobody can say to you "be confident" and cause you to be, but they can empower you, even if you don't realise it.
True and I agree, but although they can empower or help with confidence it's a contribution to it overall. You could do everything to help someone feel confidence for them not to feel it still. I think a lot of it comes from within. "
Oh certainly, the person lacking confidence needs to make the choice to use the confidence, be it conscious or subconscious. |
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I think it's down to the individual to gain their self confidence. But I also think people who they surround themselves with can help too. If you surround yourself with positive people who want the best for you it definitely helps your own outlook |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm confident while I'm at work, probably because I know my role and worked my way up from the bottom.
In my personal life, im not confident and it is a daily battle for me. I think this comes from most of my life being told I'm 2nd best, useless, fat, ugly, etc. This just made me more insecure, wanting to be liked, wanting to told im not ugly and probably the need to be needed and actually wanted.
I might not show my personal weakness, as ive learnt to not show it.
I've opened up this year and explained to some and admitted it has had a major impact on my life and that person crushed me.
Lesson learnt and won't ever tell my secrets again.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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For context....
If you're in a situation where you can't draw confidence building things from people who give you that, then what do you do?
In a lockdown situation where you're not in the office and can't see friends and family and it's just you alone it's easier to lose confidence with your job or yourself.
I focused on self help rather than relying on others in the conversation to try and get the person to think about focusing on things they could feel confident about on their own.
I do agree that others help with confidence but at the same time I think there's a lot to be said for our own focus. As already said in the thread we all tend to focus on what we didn't achieve or could have done better or failed at rather than the opposite.
So how do you pull yourself back out of that? Was more the point of the thread.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I completely lost all my self worth and confidence due to a mental and physical abusing ex.
I was never over confident but never self loathed like hated myself like he made me do.
I couldn't even lift my head to look what I considered NORMAL people in the eye.
Through the work I've done with my therapist I've started to stop hating myself.I will never be over confident but hopefully I will never go back to thinking I'm less than normal.That improvement was from myself listening to advise and realising that my own self worth starts from within.
So trust me your confidence can be taken to the highest highs and the lowest lows by listening to others but the true reality of who you are and what your worth comes from who you know you are  |
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By *G999Man
over a year ago
Everywhere & Nowhere |
Very personal and subjective topic so I'll throw my hat in and share what builds my self confidence...
In short... achievement and progress for building confidence. Experience for maintaining confidence.
How do I do that? How long have you got?....i won't bore you all to tears but if you're genuinely interested, shoot me a message and we'll chew the fat.  |
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I’m confident in meeting new people, I don’t get nervous, which comes from childhood and constantly moving so if I didn’t speak up on day one of a new school I wouldn’t make friends; this carried on through working life in communicating with all different levels of individuals. However, put me at a podium in front of people I’ve known for 20 years and I’ll crumble and do a 30 minute presentation in 10 with the last line always “if you didn’t grasp any of that, an email will follow” ??
The other area I’m confident in is my gut feeling, when it’s time to make a change whether that be in life or removing toxic people from my life; although my stubbornness comes into that, as once I’ve made a decision there is no changing my mind or looking back.
One thing I disagree with said here, is that others can’t influence your confidence, they can - whether it be an acknowledgement of a good piece of work or even that dress suits you, simple things like that can help build your confidence in your self ability and worth
At the end of the day though you are responsible for you are responsible for your own self confidence, but it is listening and learning to yourself and others. |
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"Today I had a conversation with someone about confidence, what gives you it, and ways to help yourself. No one else will give you your confidence. It's called SELF confidence for a reason.
What makes you confident? And I don't mean just sexually, I mean as a person in your own skin, home life, work life and so on.
If your confidence dips what do you do to get it back? Do you recognise when it dips and that you need to get it back?
Do you have mantras or sayings that help or something else?
"
Other people can improve the confidence of people with low self confidence.
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I never had any self confidence growing up but yet I was capable of doing things that none of my friends were capable of. I took responsibility for others from a very young age and as a result grew up before my time and completely bypassed my teenage years.
That lack of self confidence continued right through to my late 40's and it has really only been in the last 6 years that I've started to accept that I have value and make a difference.
I don't have a mantra and the journey to here was full of twists and turns.
There is no one size fits all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My confidence comes from my strength.
Every time I look at what I’ve done with my life, what I’m working towards and what I’ve worked through it reminds me to be confident and proud of myself. X |
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"My confidence comes from my strength.
Every time I look at what I’ve done with my life, what I’m working towards and what I’ve worked through it reminds me to be confident and proud of myself. X"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I completely lost all my self worth and confidence due to a mental and physical abusing ex.
I was never over confident but never self loathed like hated myself like he made me do.
I couldn't even lift my head to look what I considered NORMAL people in the eye.
Through the work I've done with my therapist I've started to stop hating myself.I will never be over confident but hopefully I will never go back to thinking I'm less than normal.That improvement was from myself listening to advise and realising that my own self worth starts from within.
So trust me your confidence can be taken to the highest highs and the lowest lows by listening to others but the true reality of who you are and what your worth comes from who you know you are "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I completely lost all my self worth and confidence due to a mental and physical abusing ex.
I was never over confident but never self loathed like hated myself like he made me do.
I couldn't even lift my head to look what I considered NORMAL people in the eye.
Through the work I've done with my therapist I've started to stop hating myself.I will never be over confident but hopefully I will never go back to thinking I'm less than normal.That improvement was from myself listening to advise and realising that my own self worth starts from within.
So trust me your confidence can be taken to the highest highs and the lowest lows by listening to others but the true reality of who you are and what your worth comes from who you know you are "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My confidence comes from my strength.
Every time I look at what I’ve done with my life, what I’m working towards and what I’ve worked through it reminds me to be confident and proud of myself. X"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Very personal and subjective topic so I'll throw my hat in and share what builds my self confidence...
In short... achievement and progress for building confidence. Experience for maintaining confidence.
How do I do that? How long have you got?....i won't bore you all to tears but if you're genuinely interested, shoot me a message and we'll chew the fat. "
You've used what I did in the conversation... Progress to get a sense of achievement.
For me personally it's the easiest way to build it back up again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For me, confidence is largely built on experience. If that experience is successful, confidence grows. If the experience is unsuccessful, confidence reduces.
Professionally, I am confident. In terms of public speaking (which I have to do on occasion) I’m also confident. That’s because my experience has been positive and my knowledge sufficient for the task at hand. I’ve enjoyed success if you like.
The confidence to approach a woman in person, and instigate that first “chat up” conversation is terrible. If we’ve chatted online and broken the ice, it’s less of an issue, but that first date can still be terrifying. However, if I’m fortunate to find myself in an intimate encounter then my confidence is high, as she wants me there, and that gives me confidence.
It’s the road to getting there that requires the confidence boost. My deficiencies there would be based on a lack of self belief, and not being as able to see any attraction in myself as others can. |
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Valuing myself.
Accepting myself.
Being kind to myself.
Having self awareness.
Combine the above=confidence.
Does also help if you have other people there to reflect the above back too, but essentially confidence has to come from within.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
My confidence varies dependent on the situation and circumstance - and I often wish I could flip the confidence I have in one are of my life to another where I'm lacking it.
Put me in a room full of people I don't know and I'll invariably stand on the sides waiting for someone to pull me to the centre or draw me out.
Put me in a situation where I'm comfortable and my confidence grows and I'm fine even though the requirement of me may be exactly the same as the environment where I cling to the walls.
And maybe it's that sense of comfort that drives confidence - if you feel uneasy you will be uneasy kind of thing.
How you get to that level of comfort is the key, as someone else said experience plays a part, acceptance that whatever will be will be comes into it too.
Generally I don't *do* anything to gain confidence, whilst my confidence levels have gone up and down in my life in certain areas, I generally accept who I am and work within my levels of confidence the best I can - there are some things I wish I was more confident at, but also accept that I've managed not too badly to get to 55 despite those restrictions, so for the most part let it be, or leave it to time and experience to resolve where appropriate. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Today I had a conversation with someone about confidence, what gives you it, and ways to help yourself. No one else will give you your confidence. It's called SELF confidence for a reason.
What makes you confident? And I don't mean just sexually, I mean as a person in your own skin, home life, work life and so on.
If your confidence dips what do you do to get it back? Do you recognise when it dips and that you need to get it back?
Do you have mantras or sayings that help or something else?
"
i 100% believe confidence comes from within. If you rely on other people you will only be knocked to the ground. I come from a sporting background where you need to be mentally strong. It's my go to place when I need a pick me up... I think if anyone can find that place that gives you a lift then you will be walking into the room like a Hollywood A lister in no time!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm outwardly confident, but it doesn't come natural to me, I have to work at it and push my comfort zone
I feel lost in large groups and I'm not a natural mixer, so 1 on 1's or small groups of friends suit me better
People that don't know me wouldn't necessarily see the struggle though - I (think I) hide it well
I've spent 25+ years in customer facing posts and dealing with people 24/7 requires that confidence
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Great thread! Confidence is definitely from within and being kind to ourselves, looking at what we've achieved and reaffirming that in our heads instead of thinking, "What did they think of how I did?" Generally quite confident in life, but we have our days where we get knocks. We try to build each other up as a couple. S&L x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Interesting thread.
Socially, I’m somewhere in the middle, not overly confident but confident enough to interact with people, I much prefer a small group and I dislike being centre of attention.
My job over the years has made me a lot more confident, lots of varied situations have meant that there’s not much I haven’t come face to face with, but also, 2 incidents at work have absolutely stripped my confidence. At the moment, my work mode/persona is all a front and totally fake. I am not sure my confidence will ever return or how to ‘fix’ it and it is this that is making me plan for a career change, which is really sad for me but it’s not fair on my colleagues. I wish I knew how to regain that confidence. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think confidence comes with age and experience- I faked it when I was younger and wasn't that great at it then 
Now I'm getting better but sometimes feel like I'm not good enough.
It stems from my self image.
I'm and extroverted introvert. |
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By * Lexi xWoman
over a year ago
stockport |
I have no confidence, I’m just great at acting like I do.
I felt ok last year when I was having loads of fun in clubs and felt ok about my appearance. But these days I’m very critical to myself. |
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"“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
“There is no such thing as a wrong decision, only an ill informed one”
I try and motivate the people in my life to be more
confident, especially new people to the kink scene.
Confidence in ones self is key, you are the only person you can rely on.
In my experience most people “lack” confidence due to their fear of how people will perceive or judge them.
There is also a fine line between confidence and arrogance."
Absolutely this |
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By *obajxMan
over a year ago
Cheshire |
I hugely lack self confidence which I'm certain would surprise so many people I know or have met
Whether it's in built into my personality or comes from being the lanky gangly kid at school who everyone picked on, I don't know
What I do know is that if someone says that schooldays are the best days of your life, they weren't for me |
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This thread somewhat follows on from Chillouts ‘self awareness’ thread earlier, I think the two go hand in hand.
I’m a very confident person. Put me in a room full of people I don’t know and I will have spoken to most, if not all by the end of the evening but... my self awareness kicks in by being able to recognise those I naturally gravitate towards and those to avoid.
I’m confident in both my work and social situations. I guess the only occasions my confidence would teeter is when I meet those who are not only confident, but arrogant with it.
Yes, agree that confidence boosts also come from those around us/work colleagues where they see qualities in us that we don’t necessarily acknowledge ourselves. |
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Acceptance is a great first step. If you accept yourself, it's a stable foundation for instilling and building confidence. Being willing to take risks is great too - you learn about yourself and can achieve new things. Sure, you can get some things that may not give the ideal results but if you accept yourself, you'll retain your confidence whatever the outcome and can grow it, because you were brave enough to attempt something.
When I was very young I realised that nobody could make me be anything, nor knew how I truly was on the inside. So I dared myself to explore and try out the bigger extremes of me, as I knew them then. Somewhat like faking it, to make it.
Stop all the self-pressure. It often reflects a lack of self-acceptance and just being who you are. Pacing yourself is reassuring.
Overall, it's about you and what is right, relevant and supports you. |
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I have issues with confidence, some people can build you up, help you make you feel good about yourself but it can easily be knocked. I’m going through a low patch at the moment but will ride it out until it returns. I have no words of wisdom I’m afraid. |
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By *oodoodMan
over a year ago
Suffolk / Essex borders |
I don't think anyone can truly be confident in themselves in every situation. But for me it's definitely got better as I've got older there's that realisation that you should just be yourself rather than trying to be something or behave in some way that you think other people want you to be. Realising that not everyone is going to be on the same wavelength and learning not to be worried about it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think anyone can truly be confident in themselves in every situation. But for me it's definitely got better as I've got older there's that realisation that you should just be yourself rather than trying to be something or behave in some way that you think other people want you to be. Realising that not everyone is going to be on the same wavelength and learning not to be worried about it. "
Exactly
What other people think doesn't matter to me as much as what I think anymore.
For me caring less about other people's opinions has set me free in many ways.
I wish I could have felt like this 20 years ago!
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By *oodoodMan
over a year ago
Suffolk / Essex borders |
"I don't think anyone can truly be confident in themselves in every situation. But for me it's definitely got better as I've got older there's that realisation that you should just be yourself rather than trying to be something or behave in some way that you think other people want you to be. Realising that not everyone is going to be on the same wavelength and learning not to be worried about it.
Exactly
What other people think doesn't matter to me as much as what I think anymore.
For me caring less about other people's opinions has set me free in many ways.
I wish I could have felt like this 20 years ago!
"
Yep I'm with you there, wish I could go back and my 20 something self what I know now! |
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"I have issues with confidence, some people can build you up, help you make you feel good about yourself but it can easily be knocked. I’m going through a low patch at the moment but will ride it out until it returns. I have no words of wisdom I’m afraid. "
Hope you are feeling better soon (big hug)
I used to have really low self-confidence, but I was taught a few things that are making things better all the time.
Basically, I was told that your inner mind, your subconscious, is like a 6 year old child.
Tell it, it's no good at something, or it can't do something and it believes it and that then feeds back into you.
So replacing that negative wording with positive, encouraging wording really does help.
So, rather than saying you can't do something, twist it around and say you have lots of potential for improvement and each time you try, you will get better.
Also, if you want to quit doing something, don't say you are quitting as that means you haven't and gives you a get out clause. You 'have' quit! If you relapse, so be it, forgive yourself and quit again.
Thinking about what I say about myself, and removing the negative words sounds silly, but it really has been working at improving my self opinion and self onfidence. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I believe we only control 2 things in life
1 what we put in our bodies
2 what we think of ourselves
Everything else is beyond our control so dont worry about it |
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