FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Friend requests
Friend requests
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? "
Some of them are awful, don’t reply straight away and they start getting abusive my block list is getting bigger by the day x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here?
Some of them are awful, don’t reply straight away and they start getting abusive my block list is getting bigger by the day x"
I never used to get abuse when I was on here before, it seems really bad On my way!.
I got called a mannerless c**t the other day because I didn’t reply to his carefully crafted 4 word message! |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour."
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it. |
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"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? "
I’ve never felt a friend acceptance was a contract to meet.
The more I read on this site, and I’ve been here two years +, the more I think I’m tarred by a very shitty brush.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? "
Not all men think like that. I would never presume a meet is on the cards nor would i want to after one message. Most men want to meet a woman their are attracted to and connect with... Most men but not all obviously |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s bizarre behaviour, only they know why they act like they do, I doubt these men use the forums though, cause there’s no shiny pictures to amuse them. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Think I know which site you mean
Not really a place for wannabies to sign up to. Unfortunately, here they come in droves.
Do you get zero abuse on there?"
I’ve had a few pervy messages, but never had a nasty one, and I’ve been on there fot 2 years |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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6 billion years of human evolution, we live in an age of unprecedented knowledge and information, we have almost unlimited access to communication and interaction around the world ... and yet we seem to have the dregs of humanity who send an unsolicited message saying “I like punching women during sex” to a complete stranger (A friend of mine received that message today as an example).
There was a forum post recently about angry status updates - this is why. People are fed up with getting a torrent of abuse and crap in their mail boxes.
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
Seriously can everyone just stop being dicks and be nice to each other?
And rant over. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Think I know which site you mean
Not really a place for wannabies to sign up to. Unfortunately, here they come in droves.
Do you get zero abuse on there?
I’ve had a few pervy messages, but never had a nasty one, and I’ve been on there fot 2 years "
Lockdown has amplified the crazy, next summer when everyone can unwind it will all settle down. Nothing worse than taking your frustration out on other people, a terrible personality trait. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"6 billion years of human evolution, we live in an age of unprecedented knowledge and information, we have almost unlimited access to communication and interaction around the world ... and yet we seem to have the dregs of humanity who send an unsolicited message saying “I like punching women during sex” to a complete stranger (A friend of mine received that message today as an example).
There was a forum post recently about angry status updates - this is why. People are fed up with getting a torrent of abuse and crap in their mail boxes.
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
Seriously can everyone just stop being dicks and be nice to each other?
And rant over."
You’re so awesome, you are exactly what men should be like  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here?
Some of them are awful, don’t reply straight away and they start getting abusive my block list is getting bigger by the day x
I never used to get abuse when I was on here before, it seems really bad On my way!.
I got called a mannerless c**t the other day because I didn’t reply to his carefully crafted 4 word message! "
I try to reply to most of them but some of them are relentless 5-6 messages without a response, then the abuse starts and then nice as pie a week later. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've experienced this as well and there is no need for rudeness.
Unusual times and desperation by many?
Thankfully, there are many lovely respectful males also on here as well. Lots of them are often found in the forums.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
"
By putting in the legwork yourself? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
By putting in the legwork yourself?"
I like chatting to people, I like being on here, it’s fun, but not when you get messages like that.
Women should not have to put up filters etc in order to be treated like normal human beings! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can't understand people throwing shit to others for literally nothing and looking to have awesome sex, all in the same place! 
What is the other place please, asking for a friend who isn't here  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can't understand people throwing shit to others for literally nothing and looking to have awesome sex, all in the same place!
What is the other place please, asking for a friend who isn't here "
We’re not allowed to say  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
By putting in the legwork yourself?
I like chatting to people, I like being on here, it’s fun, but not when you get messages like that.
Women should not have to put up filters etc in order to be treated like normal human beings!"
Tbf, it's not sounding like you're getting much fun from it...only anger and annoyance. Filters might help alleviate those feelings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I never send a follow up message if not responded to unless we've already been back and forth. Then I'll send 2 max. Wait a while then just delete the thread to free my bulging inbox if no response.  |
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
"Lockdown has amplified the crazy, next summer when everyone can unwind it will all settle down. Nothing worse than taking your frustration out on other people, a terrible personality trait. "
This resonates with me. There are very many people who are not sufficiently self-aware that the cabin-fever is making them stir-crazy.
It's sometimes useful just to tune out. I can't bear watching the news on telly lately - so I just scan the BBC website news pages and that's enough for me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
By putting in the legwork yourself?
I like chatting to people, I like being on here, it’s fun, but not when you get messages like that.
Women should not have to put up filters etc in order to be treated like normal human beings!
Tbf, it's not sounding like you're getting much fun from it...only anger and annoyance. Filters might help alleviate those feelings "
Yes, you’re right. I might out them up for a while. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
Why take it personally ? It’s just the dregs of humanity , they see boobs and assume you are just like them, looking for a fuck, with literally anyone who will say yes, and get angry when discover you aren’t.
Just block all messages from men and search and start conversations. If you just think of your fab inbox like spam or troll posts, then it doesn’t really register, bulk delete or block all |
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By *igmaMan
over a year ago
Yorkshire |
"Think I know which site you mean
Not really a place for wannabies to sign up to. Unfortunately, here they come in droves.
Do you get zero abuse on there?
I’ve had a few pervy messages, but never had a nasty one, and I’ve been on there fot 2 years "
I've seen comments about OTT messaging on there, being quite vile and disgusting ...but don't know the extent.
Fab's too popular with Joe public. I've watched in horror as guys get their phones out and broadcast Fab to all and sundry.
I don't think the same happen for the other site. Being quite niche it's not really a place for dreamers |
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Hearing this is quite annoying I message woman with polite messages and very rearly get anything back... I'm not her under the assumption that just cos someone's messages you there's going to be a meet I'm here for chats and maybe a bit of light hearted flirting if that lead to a meet at some point the future cool if not I have someone that I can chat the night away to rather than sat watching some rubbish on TV. Yet other men (loosely used) get though that first message stage and get a reply and seem like they are messing it up for the rest of us. I guess all I can say is maybe give someone you wouldn't normally go for a chance they might surprise you |
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"What's the other site?, asking for a friend "
can’t mention it and op it’s honestly awful and had amplified lately as loads are joining thinking this is an instashag site. They don’t put the legwork in or be respectful and then you just get abuse from them for. I’ve had experience with that but only for the past year when I first started I never got any abuse and I’ve been on here for almost 3 years. I promise you op there are some decent people on here you just have to wade through the shit and muck to find them. |
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"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? "
You friend requested me OP amd I'm still waiting patiently for my abuse from you   |
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"Hearing this is quite annoying I message woman with polite messages and very rearly get anything back... I'm not her under the assumption that just cos someone's messages you there's going to be a meet I'm here for chats and maybe a bit of light hearted flirting if that lead to a meet at some point the future cool if not I have someone that I can chat the night away to rather than sat watching some rubbish on TV. Yet other men (loosely used) get though that first message stage and get a reply and seem like they are messing it up for the rest of us. I guess all I can say is maybe give someone you wouldn't normally go for a chance they might surprise you "
That’s still just conjecture and if you read the FAQ it says if you don’t get a response it’s a polite no thank you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Why take it personally ? It’s just the dregs of humanity , they see boobs and assume you are just like them, looking for a fuck, with literally anyone who will say yes, and get angry when discover you aren’t.
Just block all messages from men and search and start conversations. If you just think of your fab inbox like spam or troll posts, then it doesn’t really register, bulk delete or block all"
I don’t take it personally, I feel sorry for people who are carrying that amount of anger with them tbh |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here?
You friend requested me OP amd I'm still waiting patiently for my abuse from you "
Oh wait, brb |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
By putting in the legwork yourself?"
It was a rhetorical question.
The point being why should the OP have to block people and filter messages if people just stopped being dicks is the answer. It is like saying cut knife crime fatalities by giving everyone stab proof vest rather than actually stopping the crime.
This is an adult site yet it seems to be filling up with people acting like idiots. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
By putting in the legwork yourself?
It was a rhetorical question.
The point being why should the OP have to block people and filter messages if people just stopped being dicks is the answer. It is like saying cut knife crime fatalities by giving everyone stab proof vest rather than actually stopping the crime.
This is an adult site yet it seems to be filling up with people acting like idiots. "
One of those things is within the ops grasp to easily do in order to improve her fab experience |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? "
It's weird isn't it?...I was thinking about this earlier today after being sent a cock pic yet again that I hadn't asked for.
If I was in a pub and a man was interested in me..... Would he whop out his cock and say hi how are you?, no he wouldn't, or would he just walk over and say come to my hotel room, or meet me now I've got a car outside, or worse can I get you pregnant? Or the common I can lick for hours line.
I could list many more.
Yet on here all the things that wouldn't be fine in the real world are standard behaviour and we are supposed to accept it as being fine because it's a sex site.
Yet if you blank them (delete) or block (which I can only guess is the equivalent of knocking them out) you're considered rude or worse.
The mind boggles, it really does.
I guess we just need to keep blanking them or knock them out. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
By putting in the legwork yourself?
It was a rhetorical question.
The point being why should the OP have to block people and filter messages if people just stopped being dicks is the answer. It is like saying cut knife crime fatalities by giving everyone stab proof vest rather than actually stopping the crime.
This is an adult site yet it seems to be filling up with people acting like idiots.
One of those things is within the ops grasp to easily do in order to improve her fab experience "
The point is, I shouldn’t have to |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here?
It's weird isn't it?...I was thinking about this earlier today after being sent a cock pic yet again that I hadn't asked for.
If I was in a pub and a man was interested in me..... Would he whop out his cock and say hi how are you?, no he wouldn't, or would he just walk over and say come to my hotel room, or meet me now I've got a car outside, or worse can I get you pregnant? Or the common I can lick for hours line.
I could list many more.
Yet on here all the things that wouldn't be fine in the real world are standard behaviour and we are supposed to accept it as being fine because it's a sex site.
Yet if you blank them (delete) or block (which I can only guess is the equivalent of knocking them out) you're considered rude or worse.
The mind boggles, it really does.
I guess we just need to keep blanking them or knock them out. "
Well said! Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"For the dreamers asking ”which site?”... it's obviously mumsnet
Go check it out
So we can say mumsnet but not ... the site that shall not be named? "
Love your username |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
The trouble is, you're right, unacceptable messages and behaviour shouldn't be and aren't acceptable - but you *will* never stop them - you've been here long enough to know a large section of the men (and it's not just men, but the majority are) see this as a sex site, sign up to see the pics of naked women and with totally the wrong idea of what the ethos of swinging/NSA meets is and will send abusive or ridiculous messages - it's absolutely not right but it's been happening in one shape or form since time began - just these days it's even easier to do from behind the anonymity of the keyboard.
Can you change it? Not really, certainly not overnight and not even in 20 years (roughly the time horny men have been sending abuse using 1's and 0's) - so what can you do?
The best thing you can do, is protect yourself, and you can do that by using the tools the site provides you with to do that, by treating messages like that like the shit on your shoe that they are, blocking and reporting the senders, and whilst you shouldn't *have* to accept they happen, sadly you do to an extent - if you let them get to you (which you clearly have by posting this, even though you say otherwise) it'll get you down more than it will them - so in some ways by using filters, by ignoring them and accepting some blokes are twats, you're actually sticking the proverbial two fingers up at them.
Now you shouldn't have to do all that but sadly we don't live in a utopia where it's all fluffy clouds and rainbows and sometimes when you can't change a situation, changing your attitude towards it is the only option (and believe it or not I got that off Corrie ).
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Like yourself op ..I’ve had lots of abusive nasty messages the last few weeks ..to the point I hid my profile and needed a rest from here ..but then thought sod it !! I’m not letting a few mindless desperate guys ruin my time on here ..also I have on my profile that if I accept a friend invite it doesn’t mean I will meet them x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? "
Someone PM me these other places that ought not to be named please |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"The trouble is, you're right, unacceptable messages and behaviour shouldn't be and aren't acceptable - but you *will* never stop them - you've been here long enough to know a large section of the men (and it's not just men, but the majority are) see this as a sex site, sign up to see the pics of naked women and with totally the wrong idea of what the ethos of swinging/NSA meets is and will send abusive or ridiculous messages - it's absolutely not right but it's been happening in one shape or form since time began - just these days it's even easier to do from behind the anonymity of the keyboard.
Can you change it? Not really, certainly not overnight and not even in 20 years (roughly the time horny men have been sending abuse using 1's and 0's) - so what can you do?
The best thing you can do, is protect yourself, and you can do that by using the tools the site provides you with to do that, by treating messages like that like the shit on your shoe that they are, blocking and reporting the senders, and whilst you shouldn't *have* to accept they happen, sadly you do to an extent - if you let them get to you (which you clearly have by posting this, even though you say otherwise) it'll get you down more than it will them - so in some ways by using filters, by ignoring them and accepting some blokes are twats, you're actually sticking the proverbial two fingers up at them.
Now you shouldn't have to do all that but sadly we don't live in a utopia where it's all fluffy clouds and rainbows and sometimes when you can't change a situation, changing your attitude towards it is the only option (and believe it or not I got that off Corrie ).
"
Brilliantly put and great advice as always.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The trouble is, you're right, unacceptable messages and behaviour shouldn't be and aren't acceptable - but you *will* never stop them - you've been here long enough to know a large section of the men (and it's not just men, but the majority are) see this as a sex site, sign up to see the pics of naked women and with totally the wrong idea of what the ethos of swinging/NSA meets is and will send abusive or ridiculous messages - it's absolutely not right but it's been happening in one shape or form since time began - just these days it's even easier to do from behind the anonymity of the keyboard.
Can you change it? Not really, certainly not overnight and not even in 20 years (roughly the time horny men have been sending abuse using 1's and 0's) - so what can you do?
The best thing you can do, is protect yourself, and you can do that by using the tools the site provides you with to do that, by treating messages like that like the shit on your shoe that they are, blocking and reporting the senders, and whilst you shouldn't *have* to accept they happen, sadly you do to an extent - if you let them get to you (which you clearly have by posting this, even though you say otherwise) it'll get you down more than it will them - so in some ways by using filters, by ignoring them and accepting some blokes are twats, you're actually sticking the proverbial two fingers up at them.
Now you shouldn't have to do all that but sadly we don't live in a utopia where it's all fluffy clouds and rainbows and sometimes when you can't change a situation, changing your attitude towards it is the only option (and believe it or not I got that off Corrie ).
"
I’ve never had this problem before, it’s just recently there are some really nasty people  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Like yourself op ..I’ve had lots of abusive nasty messages the last few weeks ..to the point I hid my profile and needed a rest from here ..but then thought sod it !! I’m not letting a few mindless desperate guys ruin my time on here ..also I have on my profile that if I accept a friend invite it doesn’t mean I will meet them x"
Thank you. Not just me then |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Most kinksters are not just after sex but something a bit deeper, where trust becomes paramount.
Our experience with swingers has been the opposite. More duplicity and misinformation in the hopes of a simple hook up.
However I would say that the way that some people have spoken to us online is not a true reflection if how we have been engaged in clubs.
We had a lovely conversation with a few swingers at a club once while I was stapling a corset to the Mrs back. They found it fascinating, wanted to speak with her and get a closer look, but had no interest in having a go themselves sadly.
If they had instead spoken to us in person the same way some feel they can online then getting kicked out the club would be the least of their concerns. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"For the dreamers asking ”which site?”... it's obviously mumsnet
Go check it out
So we can say mumsnet but not ... the site that shall not be named?
Love your username "
Thank you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It’s only words on a screen. They don’t know you so it’s not personal. Don’t even open a message if you can see abuse from the inbox. Just delete it. "
I don’t it personally as in believe what they say, but, I’d I’m honest it’s really upset me today.
I couldn’t see before I opened it. |
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By *igmaMan
over a year ago
Yorkshire |
"For the dreamers asking ”which site?”... it's obviously mumsnet
Go check it out
So we can say mumsnet but not ... the site that shall not be named? "
Do you really want them to go there?
|
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
I’ve never had this problem before, it’s just recently there are some really nasty people "
And sadly whether it's just started happening or not everything I said above still applies.
It's been happening as long as I have been on the site (5 years almost) and will carry on happening as long as there are people about who think it's acceptable to behave that way.
You can't control that, but what you can control is how you deal with it - as I said you shouldn't *have* to but there is no other option. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I’m interested in people’s opinion.
I’m on this site and one other that shall not be mentioned.
On that site I can have lots of friends/followers and get practically no abuse.
On here, if I accept a friend request there’s an immediate assumption that we are going to meet.
Why do men on here think like that?
I’ve had some horrible abuse recently, and I’m wondering why it happens so much on here? "
Sorry to hear about your troubles but not all off us are like them twats. I've never been rude to anyone on here, don't have c##k pics in public view...
We are friends and have never chatted but that's how it is on here.. I still get to perv  |
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"
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
By putting in the legwork yourself?
It was a rhetorical question.
The point being why should the OP have to block people and filter messages if people just stopped being dicks is the answer. It is like saying cut knife crime fatalities by giving everyone stab proof vest rather than actually stopping the crime.
This is an adult site yet it seems to be filling up with people acting like idiots.
One of those things is within the ops grasp to easily do in order to improve her fab experience
The point is, I shouldn’t have to "
No you shouldn’t have to but the world is full of dicks, twats, bullies and on the web keyboard warriors, who like nothing better than sending an awful message. They will thrive on a response, whether nice or abusive because that is what they want.
Personally you can normally spot a shit message just from the line on view.... learn to delete unopened, block and move on, these individuals don’t deserve a response or the energy taken to be wound up by them.
Learn to let them disappear over your shoulder without a second thought, words from someone you don’t know shouldn’t bother you |
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"The trouble is, you're right, unacceptable messages and behaviour shouldn't be and aren't acceptable - but you *will* never stop them - you've been here long enough to know a large section of the men (and it's not just men, but the majority are) see this as a sex site, sign up to see the pics of naked women and with totally the wrong idea of what the ethos of swinging/NSA meets is and will send abusive or ridiculous messages - it's absolutely not right but it's been happening in one shape or form since time began - just these days it's even easier to do from behind the anonymity of the keyboard.
Can you change it? Not really, certainly not overnight and not even in 20 years (roughly the time horny men have been sending abuse using 1's and 0's) - so what can you do?
The best thing you can do, is protect yourself, and you can do that by using the tools the site provides you with to do that, by treating messages like that like the shit on your shoe that they are, blocking and reporting the senders, and whilst you shouldn't *have* to accept they happen, sadly you do to an extent - if you let them get to you (which you clearly have by posting this, even though you say otherwise) it'll get you down more than it will them - so in some ways by using filters, by ignoring them and accepting some blokes are twats, you're actually sticking the proverbial two fingers up at them.
Now you shouldn't have to do all that but sadly we don't live in a utopia where it's all fluffy clouds and rainbows and sometimes when you can't change a situation, changing your attitude towards it is the only option (and believe it or not I got that off Corrie ).
"
Whilst I agree with this in it's entirity, I have a question :
How is one supposed to receive all the adoration, ego boosting compliments and fabs on pictures if one employs said filters to prevent contact from nasty men? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The trouble is, you're right, unacceptable messages and behaviour shouldn't be and aren't acceptable - but you *will* never stop them - you've been here long enough to know a large section of the men (and it's not just men, but the majority are) see this as a sex site, sign up to see the pics of naked women and with totally the wrong idea of what the ethos of swinging/NSA meets is and will send abusive or ridiculous messages - it's absolutely not right but it's been happening in one shape or form since time began - just these days it's even easier to do from behind the anonymity of the keyboard.
Can you change it? Not really, certainly not overnight and not even in 20 years (roughly the time horny men have been sending abuse using 1's and 0's) - so what can you do?
The best thing you can do, is protect yourself, and you can do that by using the tools the site provides you with to do that, by treating messages like that like the shit on your shoe that they are, blocking and reporting the senders, and whilst you shouldn't *have* to accept they happen, sadly you do to an extent - if you let them get to you (which you clearly have by posting this, even though you say otherwise) it'll get you down more than it will them - so in some ways by using filters, by ignoring them and accepting some blokes are twats, you're actually sticking the proverbial two fingers up at them.
Now you shouldn't have to do all that but sadly we don't live in a utopia where it's all fluffy clouds and rainbows and sometimes when you can't change a situation, changing your attitude towards it is the only option (and believe it or not I got that off Corrie ).
Whilst I agree with this in it's entirity, I have a question :
How is one supposed to receive all the adoration, ego boosting compliments and fabs on pictures if one employs said filters to prevent contact from nasty men? "
Thanks. Just what I needed! |
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"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it. "
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Whilst I agree with this in it's entirity, I have a question :
How is one supposed to receive all the adoration, ego boosting compliments and fabs on pictures if one employs said filters to prevent contact from nasty men? "
I'm sorry I'm all out of wise for the night and you just asked the impossible question |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My personal view is that the perception of the primary function of both site is different. Fab has many functions designed to organise meets and that create an expectation. The other site doesn’t (although can still be used for that). Despite having a significant following there I have never met anybody from there outside of munches (its equivalent of group socials).
Also the other site is geared towards a very specific audience with very specific codes and protocols. Although many abuse such codes and protocols, and even more understand them differently, they are generally accepted. Fab is less specific and probably more accessible.
It’s sad but that means one attracts more dickheads than the others (that said there are a lot of dickheads on the other too).
And on a site note, despite both sites having probably the same proportion of women to men, my experience on both has been very different. I’m treated with a lot more respect on the other. I don’t feel like I’m a commodity like I sometimes feel like on Fab.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it.
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us."
Thank you. |
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"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it.
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us."
Agreed. I gather things are worse than normal.
I'm sorry you're going through it too, OP. I've taken the extreme option of what I call pandemic filters*, but it's completely unacceptable that it's down to us to either accept abuse with a silent sense of humour, or apparently be divas unable to handle the site?
* You may not message me if you're male, female, TV/TS or couple (MF, FF, or MM). |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it.
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us.
Agreed. I gather things are worse than normal.
I'm sorry you're going through it too, OP. I've taken the extreme option of what I call pandemic filters*, but it's completely unacceptable that it's down to us to either accept abuse with a silent sense of humour, or apparently be divas unable to handle the site?
* You may not message me if you're male, female, TV/TS or couple (MF, FF, or MM)."
Thank you. It’s not very nice to be made to feel like it’s my fault either. I’ve blocked messages from everyone now, and I’m wondering why I bothered coming back tbh. |
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"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it.
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us.
Agreed. I gather things are worse than normal.
I'm sorry you're going through it too, OP. I've taken the extreme option of what I call pandemic filters*, but it's completely unacceptable that it's down to us to either accept abuse with a silent sense of humour, or apparently be divas unable to handle the site?
* You may not message me if you're male, female, TV/TS or couple (MF, FF, or MM).
Thank you. It’s not very nice to be made to feel like it’s my fault either. I’ve blocked messages from everyone now, and I’m wondering why I bothered coming back tbh."
It's not your fault and never was xx |
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By *andVCouple
over a year ago
Doncaster |
"6 billion years of human evolution, we live in an age of unprecedented knowledge and information, we have almost unlimited access to communication and interaction around the world ... and yet we seem to have the dregs of humanity who send an unsolicited message saying “I like punching women during sex” to a complete stranger (A friend of mine received that message today as an example).
There was a forum post recently about angry status updates - this is why. People are fed up with getting a torrent of abuse and crap in their mail boxes.
Yes, I know we can put up message filters and block people, but how in the name of Beelzebub’s ball-sack are we supposed to meet like minded adults when we have to end up blocking everyone.
Seriously can everyone just stop being dicks and be nice to each other?
And rant over."
Well put mate, we put up a similar post to this one yesterday, and it wasn't a rant against all men on here, but the ignorant and rude ones, and a lot of the suggestions were to just block all single men, but that isn't what we want or should have to do, but the stupid and rude ones lead it that way. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it.
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us.
Agreed. I gather things are worse than normal.
I'm sorry you're going through it too, OP. I've taken the extreme option of what I call pandemic filters*, but it's completely unacceptable that it's down to us to either accept abuse with a silent sense of humour, or apparently be divas unable to handle the site?
* You may not message me if you're male, female, TV/TS or couple (MF, FF, or MM).
Thank you. It’s not very nice to be made to feel like it’s my fault either. I’ve blocked messages from everyone now, and I’m wondering why I bothered coming back tbh.
It's not your fault and never was xx"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is. |
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By *andVCouple
over a year ago
Doncaster |
"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it.
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us.
Agreed. I gather things are worse than normal.
I'm sorry you're going through it too, OP. I've taken the extreme option of what I call pandemic filters*, but it's completely unacceptable that it's down to us to either accept abuse with a silent sense of humour, or apparently be divas unable to handle the site?
* You may not message me if you're male, female, TV/TS or couple (MF, FF, or MM).
Thank you. It’s not very nice to be made to feel like it’s my fault either. I’ve blocked messages from everyone now, and I’m wondering why I bothered coming back tbh.
It's not your fault and never was xx"
This , and if you had to block everybody there would be literally no point to being on the site, but you shouldn't have to miss out on the many lovely and genuine people on here because of the idiot ones that are too stupid too have any common sense or manners or even just common decency like a normal human being lol |
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Op
As stated better earlier. There are a lot of desparate people around due to covid. Some locked down, some without work and looking for release. Who knows why. It is not personal as they don't know you.
Out of interest why DO you friend people?(apologies if missed) I ask as we deliberately do not friend till we have a good idea, and we don't keep a cache of friend pictures as a reward for being a friend. Its just a handy way of keeping contacts in a messy inbox.
Final point - it is intriguing why some should be so hit and not others. I get not all look as good as some (Op ), but to experience different levels with with different accounts sounds a tech issue, perhaps leaving logged in all the time? High fabbed pics keeping you visible? It could be you are just popular so the first target on the list. Take it as a compliment that they desire you, as you block their contact or report them...  |
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By *igmaMan
over a year ago
Yorkshire |
"My personal view is that the perception of the primary function of both site is different. Fab has many functions designed to organise meets and that create an expectation. The other site doesn’t (although can still be used for that). Despite having a significant following there I have never met anybody from there outside of munches (its equivalent of group socials).
Also the other site is geared towards a very specific audience with very specific codes and protocols. Although many abuse such codes and protocols, and even more understand them differently, they are generally accepted. Fab is less specific and probably more accessible.
It’s sad but that means one attracts more dickheads than the others (that said there are a lot of dickheads on the other too).
And on a site note, despite both sites having probably the same proportion of women to men, my experience on both has been very different. I’m treated with a lot more respect on the other. I don’t feel like I’m a commodity like I sometimes feel like on Fab.
"
As it not always been considered ”the facebook” of a certain community?
Completely different to here. The whole point of the site is to add friends and followers that filter into your news feed. On here friends are a little different. Best kept to people you've met or chat to regularly. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"One of fab's many mysteries. I would think that the crowd on the other end have a different outlook and level as well?
Solution might be in just blocking men from messaging you on this site if the abuse is that bad. Interact with them on your own terms. It's not fair or ideal, but you have the tools to minimize your exposure to unpleasant behaviour.
I know, and it’s always the answer isn’t it, but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it.
I don't like the "block all men (other genders are available)" option. To me, it's a bit like victim blaming. You don't want to be bullied in the playground, son? Just stay indoors. You don't want your lunch money stolen? Take sandwiches. You didn't ask to be sexually violated? Don't wear a skimpy outfit.
No. People need to learn how to behave like civil beings on here too. How will they learn, if not from being ignored, blocked, reported as they should be?
Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. We've had a few unpleasant messages but thankfully they're rare for us.
Agreed. I gather things are worse than normal.
I'm sorry you're going through it too, OP. I've taken the extreme option of what I call pandemic filters*, but it's completely unacceptable that it's down to us to either accept abuse with a silent sense of humour, or apparently be divas unable to handle the site?
* You may not message me if you're male, female, TV/TS or couple (MF, FF, or MM).
Thank you. It’s not very nice to be made to feel like it’s my fault either. I’ve blocked messages from everyone now, and I’m wondering why I bothered coming back tbh.
It's not your fault and never was xx
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is. "
No one *is* saying it's your fault and no-one *is* victim blaming in fact I made it very clear in *all* my posts above that you shouldn't *have* to accept abusive messages, no-one should.
BUT do you honestly think things will change, that people that send abusive messages will actually stop doing so sometime soon? Of course people should be civil and respectful and all those other good qualities that we all value so much but sadly in the real world people *do* think in their own deluded minds that it's acceptable to behave like that and you won't change it.
So the *only* option you have *is* to protect yourself as best you can using both the tools provided and by taking other steps available to you as suggested by others here - that's not victim blaming it's common sense. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My personal view is that the perception of the primary function of both site is different. Fab has many functions designed to organise meets and that create an expectation. The other site doesn’t (although can still be used for that). Despite having a significant following there I have never met anybody from there outside of munches (its equivalent of group socials).
Also the other site is geared towards a very specific audience with very specific codes and protocols. Although many abuse such codes and protocols, and even more understand them differently, they are generally accepted. Fab is less specific and probably more accessible.
It’s sad but that means one attracts more dickheads than the others (that said there are a lot of dickheads on the other too).
And on a site note, despite both sites having probably the same proportion of women to men, my experience on both has been very different. I’m treated with a lot more respect on the other. I don’t feel like I’m a commodity like I sometimes feel like on Fab.
As it not always been considered ”the facebook” of a certain community?
Completely different to here. The whole point of the site is to add friends and followers that filter into your news feed. On here friends are a little different. Best kept to people you've met or chat to regularly."
Yes, it’s often referred as such. But like on Fab you’ll hear people complaining about profiles not being read or unsolicited random friend requests.
It is less geared towards meeting. More towards expressing oneself, sharing about one’s experiences, learning about kinks... and still many people use it to meet. And that’s perfectly accepted too.
I think it’s generally more open-minded |
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If the other site is the one I think it is, i think that because its more, erm, specialist, it keeps many of the chancers away.
Where as there are thousands of male profiles here that say "new to this just seeing whats about"
I always found the other site community was far less focused around the forums. Much communication happened through DMs without any expectation of meeting.
When i was single and using that site i had far more communication and meets on a purely social basis to talk about experiences ect, than anything sexual.
Right now that site doesn't suit what we are looking for. This one does but comes with its downsides. |
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I don't think there are any good answers, OP. Displacing it (filters) helps, although means that abusers just abuse someone else, and it can make it harder to navigate the site due to search limitations (for example).
But I hear you. It's tough trying to connect or reconnect. |
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By *andVCouple
over a year ago
Doncaster |
"Is UNLOS 2hrs after asking a question a record? I want to know what someone has said to the OP now... will I have to read the whole thread?
No, I've seen quicker, but it's not good "
Hopefully she will be happier and return another time, none of us are on this site to take shit from random strangers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Is UNLOS 2hrs after asking a question a record? I want to know what someone has said to the OP now... will I have to read the whole thread?
No, I've seen quicker, but it's not good "
I was thinking she might have been telling people the “other site” and got kicked.
Shame people have made her feel that way. There have been some good points made. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Another person leaves after abuse etc. Not good."
To be honest I've not seen any abuse on this thread just harsh reality mostly - if FA has left because of the abuse she referred to in her opening post then that *is* sad indeed |
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"Another person leaves after abuse etc. Not good.
To be honest I've not seen any abuse on this thread just harsh reality mostly - if FA has left because of the abuse she referred to in her opening post then that *is* sad indeed "
Apologies, I didn't mean abuse on the thread, no. I meant the abuse that was referred to in the OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Another person leaves after abuse etc. Not good.
To be honest I've not seen any abuse on this thread just harsh reality mostly - if FA has left because of the abuse she referred to in her opening post then that *is* sad indeed "
It is indeed |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is. "
After having a quick read, I agree with Gemini. It didn’t seem like there was any blame pointed at the OP. Maybe she’s just feeling very sensitive?
Was she a regular in the forums? |
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"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is.
After having a quick read, I agree with Gemini. It didn’t seem like there was any blame pointed at the OP. Maybe she’s just feeling very sensitive?
Was she a regular in the forums? "
I think it's the "if you don't want abuse, then you should block men" replies that may have grated (note, these replies were not abuse). But I've made my views on that known in an earlier post. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is.
After having a quick read, I agree with Gemini. It didn’t seem like there was any blame pointed at the OP. Maybe she’s just feeling very sensitive?
Was she a regular in the forums?
I think it's the "if you don't want abuse, then you should block men" replies that may have grated (note, these replies were not abuse). But I've made my views on that known in an earlier post."
Maybe the tiniest straw to break the camels back, but it’s good advice for a problem we can’t really police. Obviously the problem is the messages, but that can’t be fixed without fixing the people doing it and I’ve no idea how we could sort that |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
I think it's the "if you don't want abuse, then you should block men" replies that may have grated (note, these replies were not abuse). But I've made my views on that known in an earlier post.
Maybe the tiniest straw to break the camels back, but it’s good advice for a problem we can’t really police. Obviously the problem is the messages, but that can’t be fixed without fixing the people doing it and I’ve no idea how we could sort that"
And that last bit there is the problem that can't be fixed and why people have no choice but to protect themselves by using filters/blocking etc - it's not right but it's the harsh reality I referred to earlier sadly. |
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"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is.
After having a quick read, I agree with Gemini. It didn’t seem like there was any blame pointed at the OP. Maybe she’s just feeling very sensitive?
Was she a regular in the forums?
I think it's the "if you don't want abuse, then you should block men" replies that may have grated (note, these replies were not abuse). But I've made my views on that known in an earlier post.
Maybe the tiniest straw to break the camels back, but it’s good advice for a problem we can’t really police. Obviously the problem is the messages, but that can’t be fixed without fixing the people doing it and I’ve no idea how we could sort that"
To me, advice to block all men is akin to victim blaming. But maybe that's just me. Perhaps people who are burgled for their possessions should be told not to buy anything above a certain value, or people who are bullied should be told to wear the latest fashions/cut their hair/change whatever it is that the bullies pick on?
I'd hope we wouldn't say things like that to victims of bullying/abuse in other contexts, so why on here?
I appreciate my viewpoint may be in a minority, but what's the point of using the site if you have to block all the people you joined to interact with (if one joins to interact with men)? |
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"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is.
After having a quick read, I agree with Gemini. It didn’t seem like there was any blame pointed at the OP. Maybe she’s just feeling very sensitive?
Was she a regular in the forums?
I think it's the "if you don't want abuse, then you should block men" replies that may have grated (note, these replies were not abuse). But I've made my views on that known in an earlier post.
Maybe the tiniest straw to break the camels back, but it’s good advice for a problem we can’t really police. Obviously the problem is the messages, but that can’t be fixed without fixing the people doing it and I’ve no idea how we could sort that
To me, advice to block all men is akin to victim blaming. But maybe that's just me. Perhaps people who are burgled for their possessions should be told not to buy anything above a certain value, or people who are bullied should be told to wear the latest fashions/cut their hair/change whatever it is that the bullies pick on?
I'd hope we wouldn't say things like that to victims of bullying/abuse in other contexts, so why on here?
I appreciate my viewpoint may be in a minority, but what's the point of using the site if you have to block all the people you joined to interact with (if one joins to interact with men)?"
I agree entirely.
It's just displacing the problem. And no we can't solve the problem, that's not something users can fix, but the problem still exists. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is.
After having a quick read, I agree with Gemini. It didn’t seem like there was any blame pointed at the OP. Maybe she’s just feeling very sensitive?
Was she a regular in the forums?
I think it's the "if you don't want abuse, then you should block men" replies that may have grated (note, these replies were not abuse). But I've made my views on that known in an earlier post.
Maybe the tiniest straw to break the camels back, but it’s good advice for a problem we can’t really police. Obviously the problem is the messages, but that can’t be fixed without fixing the people doing it and I’ve no idea how we could sort that
To me, advice to block all men is akin to victim blaming. But maybe that's just me. Perhaps people who are burgled for their possessions should be told not to buy anything above a certain value, or people who are bullied should be told to wear the latest fashions/cut their hair/change whatever it is that the bullies pick on?
I'd hope we wouldn't say things like that to victims of bullying/abuse in other contexts, so why on here?
I appreciate my viewpoint may be in a minority, but what's the point of using the site if you have to block all the people you joined to interact with (if one joins to interact with men)?
I agree entirely.
It's just displacing the problem. And no we can't solve the problem, that's not something users can fix, but the problem still exists."
I agree. Very true |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
The thing is, I know it’s not my fault, but comments made on here have made me feel like it is.
After having a quick read, I agree with Gemini. It didn’t seem like there was any blame pointed at the OP. Maybe she’s just feeling very sensitive?
Was she a regular in the forums?
I think it's the "if you don't want abuse, then you should block men" replies that may have grated (note, these replies were not abuse). But I've made my views on that known in an earlier post.
Maybe the tiniest straw to break the camels back, but it’s good advice for a problem we can’t really police. Obviously the problem is the messages, but that can’t be fixed without fixing the people doing it and I’ve no idea how we could sort that
To me, advice to block all men is akin to victim blaming. But maybe that's just me. Perhaps people who are burgled for their possessions should be told not to buy anything above a certain value, or people who are bullied should be told to wear the latest fashions/cut their hair/change whatever it is that the bullies pick on?
I'd hope we wouldn't say things like that to victims of bullying/abuse in other contexts, so why on here?
I appreciate my viewpoint may be in a minority, but what's the point of using the site if you have to block all the people you joined to interact with (if one joins to interact with men)?"
As I pointed out further up it's not victim blaming in the slightest it's common sense given the circumstance and the fact there is very little that can be done to alter the behaviour of those that send abusive messages - and therein lies the difference between the situation we are talking about here and the examples you gave - in the examples you gave there is a course of action that can be taken to police those occurrences and consequences to be faced by the perpetrators if caught. Even then there is very little you can do to change their behaviour other than locking them up, or giving them punishments or corrective therapy - none of which are obviously available here.
With the situation of people sending abusive messages here - there's nothing you can do to change it, there's limited policing available and in fact it's arguable that blocks and filters *are* the policing.
Like with burglaries, bullies etc though, you won't change the behaviour of the most determined and here you can't lock them up or force them to be respectful, considerate and civil - so the *only* choice you have is to protect yourself by using the tools provided to do so, along with your own personal filters - and *that* is not victim blaming it's actually the victim taking control and saying they won't put up with it.
I agree though it shouldn't *have* to be the case but sadly it is because there *is* no other option. |
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There is a very obvious solution to a big chunk of the problem but it wont happen. No free accts or at least registering with a cc. Anonymity maintained but consequence for those who are punted off the site... |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"There is a very obvious solution to a big chunk of the problem but it wont happen. No free accts or at least registering with a cc. Anonymity maintained but consequence for those who are punted off the site... "
Not totally sure that would fix it although could help - but may open up other problems of it's own - not least the trust issues and additional cost it would involve.
From all I've heard about some of the other pay sites they are as bad if not worse for the kind of thing the OP referred to too |
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"There is a very obvious solution to a big chunk of the problem but it wont happen. No free accts or at least registering with a cc. Anonymity maintained but consequence for those who are punted off the site...
Not totally sure that would fix it although could help - but may open up other problems of it's own - not least the trust issues and additional cost it would involve.
From all I've heard about some of the other pay sites they are as bad if not worse for the kind of thing the OP referred to too"
We prefer free as a default state, and people acting on their own recognisance. But they don't, and act with impunity as they can recreate account as soon as bounced. Even having the card registered (not even charged) makes them think: yes it's understood they could get another card but that rapidly stops being viable. Not ideal in any respects. There is also bit of an oddity around this one but now we will never know! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Different types of websites attract people looking for different things. Fet and swinging are different.
Friend requests mean different things on different sites. Facebook and swinging are different.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Can I ask dont you have to pay to send messages? I mean your have to be at least a paid up site supporter to send a message? "
No, you can send messages as a non-site supporter - you just don't get some of the features, like message strings, you get with them as a site supporter - think you're also limited to the number of messages you can send a day, but the limit it set fairly high. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I ask dont you have to pay to send messages? I mean your have to be at least a paid up site supporter to send a message?
No, you can send messages as a non-site supporter - you just don't get some of the features, like message strings, you get with them as a site supporter - think you're also limited to the number of messages you can send a day, but the limit it set fairly high."
Maybe they need to change it so only minimum site supporters can send message....cc details on the server so if you send abuse your charged money and removed from the site
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