FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > I don't get out much but.....

I don't get out much but.....

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

The last time I had a date was about 30 years ago. It was pretty much par for the course for the man to pay without giving it a second thought. I have read a significant number of ladies' profiles that elude to the fact that they can pay their own restaurant bill, as if it's an insult for a man to offer. Is it and why? If I invite a lady out, I would consider it a privilege. I'm not suggesting she isn't able to do so. I'd rather the lady get me a gift if she had enjoyed herself instead of paying for half the bill.

Is it an insult?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

No, it's romantic

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By *ily WhiteWoman over a year ago

Are we talking about an actual date or a Fab meet? People will view them differently and perhaps have a different approach to them.

Personally, I don't see it as an insult...I will always offer to split the bill, but I'm not going to make a fuss if the man insists, I'll accept graciously and thank him. If a second date/meet is on the cards I will pick up the tab for that.

I do get that *some* people would have/feel that there was an expectation for "payment in kind" on a fab meet...I personally have never felt that as expectations have been clearly set before a meet has been agreed, but I do understand the train of thought that splitting the bill would negate that.

I think it just boils down to personal preference - some people won't mind, some will be more comfortable splitting the bill.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"No, it's romantic

Awww....you'd let me get the bill, wouldn't you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Are we talking about an actual date or a Fab meet? People will view them differently and perhaps have a different approach to them.

I think it just boils down to personal preference - some people won't mind, some will be more comfortable splitting the bill. "

Ah, I get it now. I think you've just hit the nail on the head. I suppose it could seem like payment in kind would be expected. That's such a shame.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

I don't think it's an insult at all.

There have been times when I've offered to pay someones travel, or if they've been at my house I don't charge them for any food I may cook or make them cough up 50p per brew

It really does come down to the individual tho, and how you may interpret their generosity. For some spunkbubbles they WILL see it as you now owe them something, for others it's just something they'd do naturally anyway, and for no other reason than they want to pay.

I've turned loads down in the past coz I haven't been able to afford it and I've not known them well enough and do have that concern in the back of my mind that they'll think I'm just after a freebie. I know it's been said behind my back among some forum users that I'm a sponger

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"No, it's romantic

Awww....you'd let me get the bill, wouldn't you?"

I'm a traditionalist at heart when it comes to these things.

I would offer to pay obviously, but I wouldn't be offended if you insisted

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't think it's an insult at all.

There have been times when I've offered to pay someones travel, or if they've been at my house I don't charge them for any food I may cook or make them cough up 50p per brew

How would I approach if I had still wanted to meet you but, as you've said, you couldn't afford it at the time?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"No, it's romantic

Awww....you'd let me get the bill, wouldn't you?

I'm a traditionalist at heart when it comes to these things.

I would offer to pay obviously, but I wouldn't be offended if you insisted

Oh, but I insist.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

It's actually uncomfortable for me if the lady pays the first time. Half ruins the meal for me.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"I don't think it's an insult at all.

There have been times when I've offered to pay someones travel, or if they've been at my house I don't charge them for any food I may cook or make them cough up 50p per brew

How would I approach if I had still wanted to meet you but, as you've said, you couldn't afford it at the time?"

Me personally, I'd ask the question why you'd still want to meet and then make a decision based on the answer, I'd also feel more comfortable it was somewhere not expensive.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't find it an insult, I'm just used to paying my own way. I'd always offer to go halves or pay but like Lily said, I wouldn't kick up a fuss if they insisted but I would like to be able to pay next time round.

I always insist on buying the first drink when I'm out. Some guys aren't keen on the idea but I've never had anyone argue too much. It's just the way I was raised.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't think it's an insult at all.

There have been times when I've offered to pay someones travel, or if they've been at my house I don't charge them for any food I may cook or make them cough up 50p per brew

I'd bring the food and my own tea bags and you don't charge the service fees for cooking and cleaning. Fair swop?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't think it's an insult at all.

There have been times when I've offered to pay someones travel, or if they've been at my house I don't charge them for any food I may cook or make them cough up 50p per brew

How would I approach if I had still wanted to meet you but, as you've said, you couldn't afford it at the time?

Me personally, I'd ask the question why you'd still want to meet and then make a decision based on the answer, I'd also feel more comfortable it was somewhere not expensive."

Good advice and good question to ask myself as well.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't find it an insult, I'm just used to paying my own way. I'd always offer to go halves or pay but like Lily said, I wouldn't kick up a fuss if they insisted but I would like to be able to pay next time round.

I always insist on buying the first drink when I'm out. Some guys aren't keen on the idea but I've never had anyone argue too much. It's just the way I was raised. "

You buy the first drink? That's a plot twist.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I always insist on buying the first drink when I'm out. Some guys aren't keen on the idea but I've never had anyone argue too much. It's just the way I was raised.

You buy the first drink? That's a plot twist."

Haha! Yeah, I do. I do it with my friends and family too. It's just the way I am. Some dates have been a bit taken aback by it but my answer to them has usually been, if we stay for more than one, you can buy the next.

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By *exfordLad69696Man over a year ago

Wexford Town

[Removed by poster at 25/11/20 12:25:57]

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By *exfordLad69696Man over a year ago

Wexford Town

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

God do men do that haha

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"I don't think it's an insult at all.

There have been times when I've offered to pay someones travel, or if they've been at my house I don't charge them for any food I may cook or make them cough up 50p per brew

I'd bring the food and my own tea bags and you don't charge the service fees for cooking and cleaning. Fair swop?"

I'd get the food, that way when I ruined it I wouldn't feel guilty

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By *andyfloss2000Woman over a year ago

ashford

I offer it if he insists I let him as have had some embarrassing insistances in front of waiting staff x

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

It shouldn’t be considered an insult, but conversely it shouldn’t be a considered a negative if the woman would prefer to pay her share or even pay the whole thing..

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

Yes, and I've heard those stories as well!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I always insist on buying the first drink when I'm out. Some guys aren't keen on the idea but I've never had anyone argue too much. It's just the way I was raised.

You buy the first drink? That's a plot twist.

How could they turn down an offer like that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

God do men do that haha "

Ahh, young man, back in the days......

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I don't think it's an insult at all.

There have been times when I've offered to pay someones travel, or if they've been at my house I don't charge them for any food I may cook or make them cough up 50p per brew

I'd bring the food and my own tea bags and you don't charge the service fees for cooking and cleaning. Fair swop?

I'd get the food, that way when I ruined it I wouldn't feel guilty

Touche.

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By *ensualtouch15Man over a year ago

ashby de la zouch

"The last time I had a date was about 30 years ago. It was pretty much par for the course for the man to pay without giving it a second thought. I have read a significant number of ladies' profiles that elude to the fact that they can pay their own restaurant bill, as if it's an insult for a man to offer. Is it and why? If I invite a lady out, I would consider it a privilege. I'm not suggesting she isn't able to do so. I'd rather the lady get me a gift if she had enjoyed herself instead of paying for half the bill.

Is it an insult?"

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I offer it if he insists I let him as have had some embarrassing insistances in front of waiting staff x"

See, this is what I mean. Back in the day....we needn't have worried about those moments because the waiter would automatically plonk the bill in front of the man anyway.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It shouldn’t be considered an insult, but conversely it shouldn’t be a considered a negative if the woman would prefer to pay her share or even pay the whole thing.. "

On a first meet, have her pay for the whole things?? Sorry, I nearly spat my coffee out just reading it. Actually, I feel like a sexist pig suddenly, as I wrote that. Is that what this bill payment issue is about?

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

Have you ever wanted one of your mates to come out for a night but they're skint, you want that night out, you want to spend time with them so you say "meh, don't worry I'll get it"

I have and I've had the same returned. To me it ain't about being put on a pedestal, it's about being treated as I would/they would one of their friends.

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By *ensualtouch15Man over a year ago

ashby de la zouch

In fact I might go further

Paying for the lady purely on a principle is an action of power and control

Arrogantly I feel complying with a ladies desire to treat me is a greatly more honorable position

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

Ahh....this is the crux of it. This doesn't seem to be an unusual sentiment from the men either.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS over a year ago

Central

If it was inconsiderately forced or there was pressure, it wouldn't likely be perceived too well. If it's sensitively offered via generosity, it's probably fine.

Better to discuss things, including in advance and to assume that people are willing to pay their way but communication solves all

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By *ensualtouch15Man over a year ago

ashby de la zouch

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

Have you ever wanted one of your mates to come out for a night but they're skint, you want that night out, you want to spend time with them so you say "meh, don't worry I'll get it"

I have and I've had the same returned. To me it ain't about being put on a pedestal, it's about being treated as I would/they would one of their friends.

I think that's a total different scenario

I did not think we were talking about helping someone in need

I was discussing the suggested view that as the OP said he wanted to pay because he was privileged to meet despite her not being skint and wanting to pay

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"In fact I might go further

Paying for the lady purely on a principle is an action of power and control

Arrogantly I feel complying with a ladies desire to treat me is a greatly more honorable position

I see. That's true. For me, I see her taking the trouble to get me a gift as being more rewarding.

It's potato, potarto, I suppose.

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

"It shouldn’t be considered an insult, but conversely it shouldn’t be a considered a negative if the woman would prefer to pay her share or even pay the whole thing..

It’s a very sexist attitude that men HAVE to pay... and it doesn’t matter if it’s a first date or not, it’s her first date as much as yours... It should be a mutual decision who pays

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

Have you ever wanted one of your mates to come out for a night but they're skint, you want that night out, you want to spend time with them so you say "meh, don't worry I'll get it"

I have and I've had the same returned. To me it ain't about being put on a pedestal, it's about being treated as I would/they would one of their friends.

I think that's a total different scenario

I did not think we were talking about helping someone in need

I was discussing the suggested view that as the OP said he wanted to pay because he was privileged to meet despite her not being skint and wanting to pay

I ain't talking about helping someone in need either. Nobody NEEDS to go out for dinner or whatnot, it's a want.

Besides, those that meet me are privileged, I'm a ray of fucking sunshine. Or lost, they may just be lost.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

God do men do that haha "

They really do

Watch the thread the types of men I'm talking about will soon show their faces

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It shouldn’t be considered an insult, but conversely it shouldn’t be a considered a negative if the woman would prefer to pay her share or even pay the whole thing..

It’s a very sexist attitude that men HAVE to pay... and it doesn’t matter if it’s a first date or not, it’s her first date as much as yours... It should be a mutual decision who pays"

I agree but it just seems society has changed its attitude to think like you as well. As I had mentioned before, it was standard practice during 'my'time for the waiters to hand the man the bill.

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By *exfordLad69696Man over a year ago

Wexford Town

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

God do men do that haha

They really do

Watch the thread the types of men I'm talking about will soon show their faces

Jesus I'd love to witness that. In my experience if I'm flush I pay I mean iv asked the women out to dinner and I know in today's age that's bad. But if I'm not flush with money I always offer to cook her dinner at my place and I'm never embarrassed to tell her that I'm broke this week so its cheaper to cook at my place. To this day never seen any women have any problem with it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are we talking about an actual date or a Fab meet? People will view them differently and perhaps have a different approach to them.

I think it just boils down to personal preference - some people won't mind, some will be more comfortable splitting the bill. "

This

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

Have you ever wanted one of your mates to come out for a night but they're skint, you want that night out, you want to spend time with them so you say "meh, don't worry I'll get it"

I have and I've had the same returned. To me it ain't about being put on a pedestal, it's about being treated as I would/they would one of their friends.

I think that's a total different scenario

I did not think we were talking about helping someone in need

I was discussing the suggested view that as the OP said he wanted to pay because he was privileged to meet despite her not being skint and wanting to pay

I ain't talking about helping someone in need either. Nobody NEEDS to go out for dinner or whatnot, it's a want.

Besides, those that meet me are privileged, I'm a ray of fucking sunshine. Or lost, they may just be lost."

Yes you are!! You've just brightened my day!!!

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

God do men do that haha

They really do

Watch the thread the types of men I'm talking about will soon show their faces

The important part is it’s fine to offer to pay, nothing wrong with that... but it’s also fine if she’d rather pay her share or all of it!

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By *igmaMan over a year ago

Yorkshire

Chivalry’s dead!

Along with lots of other things we’re not allowed to think, say, or do

Did you not get the memo?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

God do men do that haha

They really do

Watch the thread the types of men I'm talking about will soon show their faces

Quite honestly, I'd do the same thing as well, if I'm broke. What I mean is all things being equal, the idea that the man takes care of the bill. Is it an insult? If it's about domination and power, isn't that just a sexist thought?

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"I'm not insulted at all I think it's a lovely gesture.

I'm only insulted if he whips his phone out to calculate to the penny what we had

God do men do that haha

They really do

Watch the thread the types of men I'm talking about will soon show their faces

This is exactly my logic. Catch me on payday and I'm all good. Catch me the day after and the next 27 days, it's chippy or whatever I can knock up from whatever I've already got in.

There would be no sex stuff anyway coz until I know someone really well I don't "eat n meet" in case I need a shit after food plus I don't feel too sexy with the belly bloat and guffing like a steam train.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Chivalry’s dead!

Along with lots of other things we’re not allowed to think, say, or do

Did you not get the memo?"

I really didn't. I've lived outside of Europe about about 25 years and quite honestly, most of the rest of the World isn't like this.

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By *unloversCouple over a year ago

rotherham

What’s a date????

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What’s a date????"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

So if she doesn't pay do you whip your calculator out?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

So if she doesn't pay do you whip your calculator out?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What’s a date????

Actually, I laughed at this but that's a good point. Are they still called dates or am I using an utterly out of date term. Like my son says to me, "Daddy, your words are so old."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Is it an insult?"

No it's not an insult it's very romantic,and old fashioned but I love it

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Is it an insult?

No it's not an insult it's very romantic,and old fashioned but I love it "

Bravo!!!

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By *hilloutMan over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

I've always taken the initiative of paying, especially if I was the one to have asked the person out. I suppose it's the "giving" side of me and perhaps what you might term "chivalry" but do so freely and without expectations. If the person insists on going halves fine. If they insist on paying fully next time, that's ok too. So long as everything is done with good natured intentions and not out of a sense of obligation or entitlement to something else, it's all good

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Is it an insult?

No it's not an insult it's very romantic,and old fashioned but I love it

Bravo!!!

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

If its a meet i pay my own way. However, my partner is a lot older than me and very old school. It took me two years to get him to let me pay for anything in our relationship. He had done it all his life. However 15 years on he loves it when i pick up the tab it is amazing though how many restaurants still put the bill down by the man

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By *ensualtouch15Man over a year ago

ashby de la zouch

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

So if she doesn't pay do you whip your calculator out?

Not sure where iv suggested I will not or do not pay or that I'm pedantic?

I'm sure we were discussing

The obsession that some have that

A a man should pay

B he is no gentleman if he does not

And

That suppressing a woman's desire to pay is in essence patronising

No where did I even suggest I insist or think a lady must pay an exact half

Ill graciously accept an apology for trying to misrepresent my objective and flexible position

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/11/20 14:20:24]

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I've always taken the initiative of paying, especially if I was the one to have asked the person out. I suppose it's the "giving" side of me and perhaps what you might term "chivalry" but do so freely and without expectations. If the person insists on going halves fine. If they insist on paying fully next time, that's ok too. So long as everything is done with good natured intentions and not out of a sense of obligation or entitlement to something else, it's all good

True. If she insists, I wouldn't disallow it but she shouldn't feel the need to offer if I've invited her. I'm actually a little surprised at the men's reaction to it, to be honest.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If its a meet i pay my own way. However, my partner is a lot older than me and very old school. It took me two years to get him to let me pay for anything in our relationship. He had done it all his life. However 15 years on he loves it when i pick up the tab it is amazing though how many restaurants still put the bill down by the man"

I can understand how he felt. It really is a very hard habit to break and it would prey on my mind during the dinner. It would actually ruin the experience for me.

Once we know each other, it's a different story. That's just amongst friends but for an initial meeting, it actually makes my stomach turn a little.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Is it an insult?

For the the type of lady I usually become attracted she would indeed and rightly so be offended if I "insisted"

I think I could honestly say I've had as many first dates paid for as I have paid

I dont really get this putting women on a high pedestal? I am NOT privileged to have a date any more or less than the lady is

My dates are equal human beings not jewelry/accessories or indeed any analogy that suggests their time is somehow deserving of payment

So if she doesn't pay do you whip your calculator out?

Not sure where iv suggested I will not or do not pay or that I'm pedantic?

I'm sure we were discussing

The obsession that some have that

A a man should pay

B he is no gentleman if he does not

And

That suppressing a woman's desire to pay is in essence patronising

No where did I even suggest I insist or think a lady must pay an exact half

Ill graciously accept an apology for trying to misrepresent my objective and flexible position

We understand your point and I do appreciate it from a man's point of view. We were just making light of this whole point.

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