FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Is the risk outweighing the fun??
Is the risk outweighing the fun??
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Back for another post.
More serious this time though.
A very good friend of ours who's been on the scene for many years and had profiles here over the years has been venting her fears.
Back in the early part of the year before lockdown and freedom was a real thing she engaged in a couple of meets with seemingly nice guys. Both social, both public because she's a sensible girl and doesn't take risk....except it turns out that's what it became because it seems both guys decided not to take "thankyou for a social evening" as a conclusion and expected sex, seems that 1 guy took a serious strop in the bar and the 2nd followed her to her car and caused damage to it in a temper (always wondered what happened to her car door)
But the point of this post is... Has this site or the whole swingers scene now changed so much over recent years that (some) men instantly assume that sex is a given right purely because a lady agrees to a social meet. Is it now too much of a risk for women to be allowed to make a social evening with a guy without her having to worry about being put under pressure to play on a first meet.
Discuss....... |
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"Back for another post.
More serious this time though.
A very good friend of ours who's been on the scene for many years and had profiles here over the years has been venting her fears.
Back in the early part of the year before lockdown and freedom was a real thing she engaged in a couple of meets with seemingly nice guys. Both social, both public because she's a sensible girl and doesn't take risk....except it turns out that's what it became because it seems both guys decided not to take "thankyou for a social evening" as a conclusion and expected sex, seems that 1 guy took a serious strop in the bar and the 2nd followed her to her car and caused damage to it in a temper (always wondered what happened to her car door)
But the point of this post is... Has this site or the whole swingers scene now changed so much over recent years that (some) men instantly assume that sex is a given right purely because a lady agrees to a social meet. Is it now too much of a risk for women to be allowed to make a social evening with a guy without her having to worry about being put under pressure to play on a first meet.
Discuss....... "
Wow, well hopefully the vandalising criminal bully was reported to police? That's disgraceful and I'd like to think a most unusual event. A socials a social until both people choose to make it anything else... I know we are loved down so testing our memories but I can't believe we've become that inhuman. |
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This is what makes me wary of guys that say they will drive 50 + miles for a social! I think to myself they gonna expect more than a coffee in Starbucks! Allways decline! Anyways local is what I'm after x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It feels like replying to a message is agreement to sex these days and thats from men and couples. This doesnt apply to everyone of course but the attitude is there from a fair few. I cannot imagine how that expectation must increase once you’ve met socially. |
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"This is what makes me wary of guys that say they will drive 50 + miles for a social! I think to myself they gonna expect more than a coffee in Starbucks! Allways decline! Anyways local is what I'm after x"
Yep, we always decline those offers. |
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
I do sense a lot of pent up frustrations atm and that is bringing out the worst kind of behaviour in some men...
The other day, a guy posted about "bottling out of a meet" and he had a barrage of criticisms. It so happened he lived in my county do PM'ed me that he'll find out where I lived and come "sort" me out. I think myself and several others Reported him and his thread was removed. But I think he still has an active profile?
I'm sure it's Covid cabin fever and that makes a heady combination for these Narcissist and rejections... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So sad to hear this, that is terrible!
I rarely send a message to a single gal anymore because I know that single gals just get overwhelmed. I can’t remember the last time I even had a reply from someone not on my well trusted friends list!
Sadly, standards seem to have dropped, very troubling to hear stories like that.
Not every guy here is like that! Don’t give up on us yet...
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
OP, that is awful to read about. I hope your friend has recovered.
I have had mixed results on here over the years. One incident left me very scared for a while but I blamed myself for it even occurring.
The last year or so I was active I had lots of no-shows, being cancelled when they got a better offer (two of them acting like I was the rude one when their alternate plans fell through and I didn't jump back into the vacancy), and PMs telling me I should be grateful that they'd sent me a message in the first place.
Your friend sounds like they engaged with messaging, arranging to meet in a public place and then they were clear about their decision. I'm not sure what else they could do, but maybe we all need to be more serious about reporting violence to the police so that it doesn't happen to someone else.
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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago
Maidstone |
"I never meet unless I’ve ascertained a degree of integrity and I always tell my text buddy where I’m going and who I’m meetings. If no doesn’t mean n I walk away"
Ditto... I always speak on the phone, as in having got their phone number.
A guy once chatted on Kik but refused to exchange numbers or even speak on phone. He couldn't understand why that was a safety concern of mine... Needless to say I didn't progress that contact... |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"OP, that is awful to read about. I hope your friend has recovered.
I have had mixed results on here over the years. One incident left me very scared for a while but I blamed myself for it even occurring.
The last year or so I was active I had lots of no-shows, being cancelled when they got a better offer (two of them acting like I was the rude one when their alternate plans fell through and I didn't jump back into the vacancy), and PMs telling me I should be grateful that they'd sent me a message in the first place.
Your friend sounds like they engaged with messaging, arranging to meet in a public place and then they were clear about their decision. I'm not sure what else they could do, but maybe we all need to be more serious about reporting violence to the police so that it doesn't happen to someone else.
"
This. 
Risk has always been there. I know of non-swinging folk who've arranged dates via friends/work who've experienced similar situations.
I've known people have multiple dates with someone ith no issues before an alternative, violent side of them has become evident.
I've known men experience the same from women.
I knew a guy on here who met a couple for a social and who when he declined to take things further was threatened by the husband and accused of disrespecting his wife.
Maybe it's the increase in online interactions (swinging or vanilla) that has led to any increased risk. You can only do so much pre-meet prep and risk avoidance. And there will always be the occasional nut job who's able to appear charming online, on the phone and even initially when meeting.
There's no magic wand to avoid it 100%
A |
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We were initially very concerned that the worst had happened after its taken her 11 months to actually mention this, turns out that because she's a very level headed girl she's assured us that nothing other then some attempts at intimidation and a heavy bill for car body repairs is all dB she endured.
Seems though that she's very put off with single meets now, probably very rightly so, and other than an occasional message from the safety of her own home she now doesn't really feel much like engaging in e en a potential future meeting after the lockdown is lifted.
As for swinging, I'm not sure she's even interested in the lifestyle much anymore. Which does have us wonder if the aggressive nature that seems to have been adopted when social leads to absolutely nothing more is or will eventually be the decline of what once was a very fun and sociable adult pastime. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've had socials where I've set the expectation that sex wasn't a guarantee and guys have been fine with it. I've not felt under pressure during the meet but they've all gone in for a kiss after a few hours, however I was always comfortable by that point and been fine with continuing to having sex. I think I have had 2 non sexual meets though, no problems.
Sorry to hear you've had some bad luck xx |
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"I never meet unless I’ve ascertained a degree of integrity and I always tell my text buddy where I’m going and who I’m meetings. If no doesn’t mean n I walk away
Ditto... I always speak on the phone, as in having got their phone number.
A guy once chatted on Kik but refused to exchange numbers or even speak on phone. He couldn't understand why that was a safety concern of mine... Needless to say I didn't progress that contact..."
I've never understood that... Someone expects to fuck you but won't give a proper name or phone humber... Hardly a good sign. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I never meet unless I’ve ascertained a degree of integrity and I always tell my text buddy where I’m going and who I’m meetings. If no doesn’t mean n I walk away
Ditto... I always speak on the phone, as in having got their phone number.
A guy once chatted on Kik but refused to exchange numbers or even speak on phone. He couldn't understand why that was a safety concern of mine... Needless to say I didn't progress that contact...
I've never understood that... Someone expects to fuck you but won't give a proper name or phone humber... Hardly a good sign. "
Because nobody in the history of Fab has ever used a pay as you go (largely untraceable) phone for swinging instead of their personal mobile......?
When was the last time anyone asked for photo ID when meeting for a social or play?
A |
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I've had a few not want to take no for an answer.
One I keep having to block as he creates a new profile every few months and I get a message asking about where I work. 
It can easily grind you down, the entitled attitude, the abuse, the not taking no for an answer, the being made to feel like a vag and fuck all more.
I think I will meet again eventually, but it'll be likely to be couples or at clubs.... Or Lib, I'd bang Lib as long as a) he wanted to and b) he didn't intend on sticking his pork sword in my butt hole.
It's a minefield out there |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This surely proves the value of a social first?
If someone won't take no for an answer and has a strop, imagine the awful scenario your friend may have been in in a room somewhere?
I'm always happy to have a social. I fully understand that no means no, and can be said at any time, even during the most intimate moments. Shame there are so many self entitled arseholes out there who give decent people a bad name. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it has changed a lot recently.... People seem to have the mindset that because they have shown interest in you your so how obligated to act on that, and if you engage in conversation or an actual meet then that sence of entitlement seems to grow |
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"I think it has changed a lot recently.... People seem to have the mindset that because they have shown interest in you your so how obligated to act on that, and if you engage in conversation or an actual meet then that sence of entitlement seems to grow "
Aye, and if you ain't willing to drop your knickers you're a time wasting prick tease. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I never meet unless I’ve ascertained a degree of integrity and I always tell my text buddy where I’m going and who I’m meetings. If no doesn’t mean n I walk away
Ditto... I always speak on the phone, as in having got their phone number.
A guy once chatted on Kik but refused to exchange numbers or even speak on phone. He couldn't understand why that was a safety concern of mine... Needless to say I didn't progress that contact...
I've never understood that... Someone expects to fuck you but won't give a proper name or phone humber... Hardly a good sign. "
. Exactly - Happy to chat anonymously but if planning to meet then if they don’t want to exchange phone numbers then that’s a red flag for me not to meet in person. |
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This doesn't reflect swinging or the site, just people of dubious moral standing. It's partly why many like to see verified people only or meet at clubs or hotels, where others could help if there's an issue.
It's a good reminder of the importance of security measures. And that may mean not to indicate that a social could transform to a sex meet afterwards.
Better to have a safe getaway, without anything more than a thanks and agreement to stay in touch. Rejection from a distance is fine for an uncommitted social engagement. |
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As a single man who occasionally manages to get a reply on fab i would say this definitely shows the need for social meets in the first instance and the importance of the club scene.
To be honest if i was offered a meet in the social, i would prepare for more, obviously, but to expect it as a birth right is something else lol you just never know how these things go.
The lockdown has definitely increased online activity and interactions. People who would normally be out in the cold are now maybe getting through some users filters. I guess you can never be 100% sure who is who until you meet them so there is no full proof way to be sure unfortunately. As a man tho, although this is probably not in my favour, i would say if you really want to get to know someones reaction, cancel on them lol see how they react i guess, if they take it well and understand it shows a lot, if they don't and go into a rage, you probably done yourself a favour there anyway. But again, while giving this advice, i am weary that people will use this as a trolling method, please don't get nasty, don't treat people as a social experiment, it can be done in a subtle way just as an added layer of security.
As for your friend OP, i hope she hasn't lost faith in everything and maybe she would like to try the clubs to meet. Its still a social and probably much more safe. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it has changed a lot recently.... People seem to have the mindset that because they have shown interest in you your so how obligated to act on that, and if you engage in conversation or an actual meet then that sence of entitlement seems to grow
Aye, and if you ain't willing to drop your knickers you're a time wasting prick tease."
Always.... Either your 'fake' a time waster or here for free coffee... Like no thanks hun I can buy my own coffee and and keep the right to choose who I want or don't want to sleep with thanks |
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"I never meet unless I’ve ascertained a degree of integrity and I always tell my text buddy where I’m going and who I’m meetings. If no doesn’t mean n I walk away
Ditto... I always speak on the phone, as in having got their phone number.
A guy once chatted on Kik but refused to exchange numbers or even speak on phone. He couldn't understand why that was a safety concern of mine... Needless to say I didn't progress that contact...
I've never understood that... Someone expects to fuck you but won't give a proper name or phone humber... Hardly a good sign.
Because nobody in the history of Fab has ever used a pay as you go (largely untraceable) phone for swinging instead of their personal mobile......?
When was the last time anyone asked for photo ID when meeting for a social or play?
A"
Not really understanding your point there obi, not did I mention photo Id.
Having said that... Way way back in the old days when I first had a dabble at Internet dating (20 years?) I met a lady who insisted on seeing a driving license.... She didn't reciprocate... She said she was a prison guard but who knows, people have been known to lie. I myself enjoy my work as a dolphin trainer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As a man tho, although this is probably not in my favour, i would say if you really want to get to know someones reaction, cancel on them lol see how they react i guess, if they take it well and understand it shows a lot, if they don't and go into a rage, you probably done yourself a favour there anyway."
This happened to me... a now very dear and close friend decided not to accept a meet. I took it very graciously. I mean, why not? Anyhow, she was quite taken with how I accepted her reasons and changed her mind! |
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I don't think anyone should be put under pressure to have sex on a meet or feel that they should meet that person again.
If the arrangement is a social then that's it and even if meeting to have sex and one says they've changed their mind then the other person should say ok no problem.
Too many people feel they're entitled to something and get butt hurt over it. They need to grow up and learn morals and respect. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As the male part of a couple I understand how daunting a meet can be for a woman (having seen how shy and nervous my wife gets)
So I would never take anything for granted or set an unclear expectation.
As when I was single, same goes for when I’m married, you take the lady out, be gentlemanly and understand that the enjoyment comes from her want to join you - not her fulfilling your macho expectation of sex.
If you want to met for sex, tell her. If your not happy with a social only, tell her.
If you’ve done all that - leaves very little room for things to go wrong
But I might just be old fashioned, who knows  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The OP friend unfortunately met two bad eggs they do and will always exist.
The problem is some leave the door slightly ajar when they arrange a social. As in a social meet with the possibility of something more happening, if all goes well.
If you state that it's a social only and no matter how well it goes, there will be no play afterwards.
Then there is no confusion, no grey area and both parties know the score.
Surely two responsible adults can't get something so simple to arrange wrong. |
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"As a man tho, although this is probably not in my favour, i would say if you really want to get to know someones reaction, cancel on them lol see how they react i guess, if they take it well and understand it shows a lot, if they don't and go into a rage, you probably done yourself a favour there anyway.
This happened to me... a now very dear and close friend decided not to accept a meet. I took it very graciously. I mean, why not? Anyhow, she was quite taken with how I accepted her reasons and changed her mind!"
A gentleman always knows how to react in moments of adversity. Well done sir! |
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"The OP friend unfortunately met two bad eggs they do and will always exist.
The problem is some leave the door slightly ajar when they arrange a social. As in a social meet with the possibility of something more happening, if all goes well.
If you state that it's a social only and no matter how well it goes, there will be no play afterwards.
Then there is no confusion, no grey area and both parties know the score.
Surely two responsible adults can't get something so simple to arrange wrong."
Not necessarily. I would state that a social is a social with zero chance of shenanigans. Didn’t stop some thinking they could change my mind once I was in their company and surely couldn't resist their advances. |
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By *azpiz1Man
over a year ago
Camberley |
I've travelled over an hour for a social in the past, and didn't expect anything more. Hoped for, yes - expected, definitely not.
As previous posters have said, a social meet is just that. Nothing else should be expected. |
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I'm sorry this happened to your friend.
From my own experience I've been on here 3 and a half years now and I've never had a strop. My socials are generally daytime.
I manage expectations beforehand and make it clear from the outset it's a coffee meet and nowt else.
I also always go with my gut feeling.
Admittedly the last 12 months have been pretty fallow and maybe the world has changed in that time in terms of expectation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some men do assume that sex is on the table even when it’s just a social planned. I make it very clear that a social is just that and nothing else.
Phone call and/or video chats are good, plus telling someone where you are, meeting in public and not allowing anyone to walk you to your car if you are unsure.
There will always be risk whether meeting someone from here or a dating site or even in real life. Sleazes/criminals whatever you want to call them exist in all walks of life and there no way to know who they are until you get to know someone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The OP friend unfortunately met two bad eggs they do and will always exist.
The problem is some leave the door slightly ajar when they arrange a social. As in a social meet with the possibility of something more happening, if all goes well.
If you state that it's a social only and no matter how well it goes, there will be no play afterwards.
Then there is no confusion, no grey area and both parties know the score.
Surely two responsible adults can't get something so simple to arrange wrong."
Either party (male or female) can, at any point, say "NO". There should be no further discussion... NO means NO. Those who can't or won't hear NO are not just arseholes, but criminally dangerous individuals. |
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"The OP friend unfortunately met two bad eggs they do and will always exist.
The problem is some leave the door slightly ajar when they arrange a social. As in a social meet with the possibility of something more happening, if all goes well.
If you state that it's a social only and no matter how well it goes, there will be no play afterwards.
Then there is no confusion, no grey area and both parties know the score.
Surely two responsible adults can't get something so simple to arrange wrong."
You'd think, but some guys think their cocks are such magical cocks they will magically make my knickers fly off and make me launch myself across starbucks to ride them in all their irresistible glory.
No matter how clearly you set your expectations, if the other person is convinced they can change your mind they'll smile and nod and pay no attention at all. It's the same with guys who think they can convince you to bareback.
I've been doing the online thing for a very long time and it's not just this site and it's not just a recent thing - sadly it's always been there on every site I've used.
I'm (normally) cautious to the point of ridiculousness, but I've never (yet) had a truly horrifying experience so I'll carry on going my own way, even if that means I rule out some potentially great guys for no better reason than because I get a hinky feeling from them.
OP I'm glad your friend is physically unharmed, and I don't blame her for stepping back. Hopefully she can build some confidence again as time passes, even if that means setting a social where someone she knows is in the same place to make sure she can get home OK afterwards. |
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"The OP friend unfortunately met two bad eggs they do and will always exist.
If you state that it's a social only and no matter how well it goes, there will be no play afterwards.
Then there is no confusion, no grey area and both parties know the score.
Surely two responsible adults can't get something so simple to arrange wrong.
You'd think, but some guys think their cocks are such magical cocks they will magically make my knickers fly off and make me launch myself across starbucks to ride them in all their irresistible glory.
No matter how clearly you set your expectations, if the other person is convinced they can change your mind they'll smile and nod and pay no attention at all. It's the same with guys who think they can convince you to bareback.
I've been doing the online thing for a very long time and it's not just this site and it's not just a recent thing - sadly it's always been there on every site I've used.
I'm (normally) cautious to the point of ridiculousness, but I've never (yet) had a truly horrifying experience so I'll carry on going my own way, even if that means I rule out some potentially great guys for no better reason than because I get a hinky feeling from them.
"
The "power of the penis" innit.
Talk about it in one of my vids  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Unfortunately there will always be bad apples on the apple cart, I've had a bad experience with a mf couple before now and the male has got violent, i am now very cautious and very careful in arranging a meet and will always want a social meet first, this helps protect me and it assures them to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It always amazes me that people feel entitled to anything from fab...But here we are.
I do hope your friend is ok, OP, and that they managed to file for the damages to their car.
I’ve said it for a while that this site has gone to the dogs. Lockdown and the HUGE influx of single men who don’t really belong in the scene has made it difficult, at best, for us to find good eggs amongst all the entitled/aggressive blokes.
It’s gotten to the point that we just delete the messages of anyone who has joined the site since March. |
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