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Self shaming
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I did thread like this a year or so ago and I think it's time to do another one.
There are a lot of people on here who have a real downer on themselves and seem to hate the way they look. I saw women on another thread today call themselves "a fatty" and say they don't look good.
This really makes me sad. I keep seeing women describe themselves physically in a really derogatory way, but when I look at their photos they look hot as shit to me. They certainly don't see themselves the way I see them. Today I saw somebody who has been on our hot list for ages and we think is a stunner who just said really bad things about how she looks.
What is it that makes people see themselves as below par? Is it the media, comments from friends and/or rellies, or does come from inside them?
I realise that me finding a person attractive is not the goal for many people, but when I see some of the comments I have seen, I wish I could download a little bit of how amazing I think they look into their psyche. It makes me very sad.
What is your image of yourself physically and where does it come from? Luke |
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My self image is constantly in flux. It used to be incredibly negative, well beyond what I can describe and be believed. Long term mental health issues.
I had therapy, I grew, I had more life experience.
I'm at peace with myself now, more or less. There are days I feel better or worse about myself for sure. But it's temporary, and I can find my way out of it. And my worth isn't measured by my appearance/ sexual attractiveness to others, and can't be damaged by that. |
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I used to have a very poor self image. I am overweight and struggle to lose it despite diets etc. When I do lose it I have saggy horrible skin which makes me feel worse.
Being on here has actually helped. The amount of positve comments I get from men on a daily basis has made me realise I should love myself for who I am.
Then some days you get the idiots who feel they have to point out how unattractive they find me. These comments are very unhelpful and not needed.
So my self image can be a little up and down depending on the day. |
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"I did thread like this a year or so ago and I think it's time to do another one.
There are a lot of people on here who have a real downer on themselves and seem to hate the way they look. I saw women on another thread today call themselves "a fatty" and say they don't look good.
This really makes me sad. I keep seeing women describe themselves physically in a really derogatory way, but when I look at their photos they look hot as shit to me. They certainly don't see themselves the way I see them. Today I saw somebody who has been on our hot list for ages and we think is a stunner who just said really bad things about how she looks.
What is it that makes people see themselves as below par? Is it the media, comments from friends and/or rellies, or does come from inside them?
I realise that me finding a person attractive is not the goal for many people, but when I see some of the comments I have seen, I wish I could download a little bit of how amazing I think they look into their psyche. It makes me very sad.
What is your image of yourself physically and where does it come from? Luke "
Hi guys.
Thanks for the thread - hopefully it will be helpful to some.
Me - yeah I know I’m overweight at the moment - when my scales don’t tell me - the arthritis certainly does. Yesterday I got turned down by 2 forum guys (obviously I’m not looking to meet during lockdown) which dented my confidence a wee bit I must admit.
However - if you make the first move - you have to be prepared for rejection - particularly when you’re no spring chicken!
However - I still like me! Whilst I’m not happy with being (for me) overweight - I’m totally confident in the person I am and that self esteem doesn’t depend on an extra stone or two - I’d just like my clothes to fit me again!
I’m aware I’m VERY lucky that I’m a naturally happy and confident person though! My youngest daughter is the polar opposite and life is very hard for her.
Sending hugs to everyone today who may need one - I have lots to spare!
Peachy xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh heck, for me it started when I was very young. I was always described as the chubby one within my family. As I got older I was certainly bigger than a lot of girls my age, but wasn’t fat. But at school as well as at home it was pointed out to me daily, I got bullied for that and the fact I wore glasses.
As time passed my weight was something everyone had an opinion on. I was then suffering from Bulemia so those years of criticism had already had an effect. I wasn’t the type of girl boys were interested in compared to my slim friends. So that made me feel as though being bigger wasn’t attractive.
I met my ex husband, and at first I thought I was attractive, but as time passed, his narcissistic behaviour came out. I was constantly shown images of other women who he wanted, and they were the opposite of me. I knew I was fat, but he would feed me up and say no one else would want me.
So for me it’s been a mix of family, friends, media and mental cruelty that gave me such a low opinion of my looks. One thing someone said to me always sums it up, oh you’d be pretty if you wasn’t fat. X |
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I have a terbulent relationship with body image. And despite what I often post on here it's the best it has been.
My lack of confidence is deep rooted, between my dad saying I was like a back end of a bus when I was a size 10 to my ex who said I was unattractive and a niche. But I can't blame them for it all either.
In my teens and early 20's magazines were filled with circle of shame, which pointed out celebrities so called flaws, one I really remember is one showing Kylie's cellulite and she's blinking tiny.
We have adverts that tell us how to get rid or lessen stretch marks on the TV as though they are something to get rid of. There's a billions being spent by industry telling us we're not good enough just so they can sell us shit. It's insidious and not always obvious, but it's a constant you can make yourself look better instead of you look amazing as you are |
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I've got a very good self image. I'm realistic about how I look and I know that all things considered I look ok.
I wouldn't say it as often as people say they look awful because self confidence and good self esteem is not welcome.
If it was I think more people would feel able to believe good things about themselves. |
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Mine is a low opinion of myself, too, and it definitely comes from within.
Possibly stems from school, where being called ugly is par for the course, but it somehow seems to have stuck at some fundamental level.
Mainly I deal with it by burying the feelings down deep where I don't have to face them, but that then killed my last relationship as she stirred up feelings that had been long dormant and which I don't know how to process, and unsurprisingly she got fed up and left
But my point was that negative self image is not gender specific, and possibly linked to wider feelings of (low) self esteem and worth.
Good post, by the way OP  |
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"I have a terbulent relationship with body image. And despite what I often post on here it's the best it has been.
My lack of confidence is deep rooted, between my dad saying I was like a back end of a bus when I was a size 10 to my ex who said I was unattractive and a niche. But I can't blame them for it all either.
In my teens and early 20's magazines were filled with circle of shame, which pointed out celebrities so called flaws, one I really remember is one showing Kylie's cellulite and she's blinking tiny.
We have adverts that tell us how to get rid or lessen stretch marks on the TV as though they are something to get rid of. There's a billions being spent by industry telling us we're not good enough just so they can sell us shit. It's insidious and not always obvious, but it's a constant you can make yourself look better instead of you look amazing as you are "
It's not just the media and beauty industry. Read the comments on the forum that sneak into people's brains. If anyone dares say they think they look good there will *always* be "I prefer beauty on the inside" "arrogance is not attractive" etc.
We as a society encourage insecurity in women |
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"I have a terbulent relationship with body image. And despite what I often post on here it's the best it has been.
My lack of confidence is deep rooted, between my dad saying I was like a back end of a bus when I was a size 10 to my ex who said I was unattractive and a niche. But I can't blame them for it all either.
In my teens and early 20's magazines were filled with circle of shame, which pointed out celebrities so called flaws, one I really remember is one showing Kylie's cellulite and she's blinking tiny.
We have adverts that tell us how to get rid or lessen stretch marks on the TV as though they are something to get rid of. There's a billions being spent by industry telling us we're not good enough just so they can sell us shit. It's insidious and not always obvious, but it's a constant you can make yourself look better instead of you look amazing as you are "
What you say about the media reminds me of this 1 minute video. It's worth checking out. It's silly but it makes a good point.
https://youtu.be/85HT4Om6JT4 |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I’m fairly realistic. I’m tall, fat and it is what it is.
I was very lucky in that my first serious fella treated me like a queen and so I never had the horrible digs that some women seem to have had about their appearance that has affected their self confidence. I guess it might have even left me over confident regarding my attractiveness and my size, and that irks some.
He loved every inch of me regardless of size, so I never felt self conscious or uncomfortable having sex or being naked, he made me feel sexy, lusted after and adored and that confidence he gave me has carried me on.
When I sleep with a new partner they always seem surprised that I have no qualms in getting naked and leaving lights on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I hate how I look. If I get a compliment I have to follow it up with some deprecating comment.
Why? A few reasons:
I've always been fat. I was always the friend never the girlfriend.
Then I met someone and before we got married I lost a load of weight - like 6 stone. Even though I was slimmer I was obsessive about food and exercise, and not in a healthy way. Despite that, everyone told me how amazing I looked and I was treated completely differently by society.
Now I'm back fat again, being a single mum, working, an abusive relationship, and a health condition all contributing as well as the fact I comfort eat.
I can't shake how differently I was treated when I was slimmer and it has dented what little self confidence I had.
So yeah, happy Wednesday  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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While we all like to say we don't care what others think, there reactions, while not intended this way, can hurt.
What we get a lot of is couples approaching up to chat and ask to swap pic but when they see himself there gone and that hurts him, when we come across a situation where we don't fancy one half we try to let the conversation die out rather than just vanish as we have seen the effect it can have.
At party's and club he is the life and soul and always draws attention but inline yea just another shortish guy with a bit of a round tummy who thinks he looks awful in pictures , that's how he sees himself now days. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What is your image of yourself physically and where does it come from? Luke "
My physical image of myself comes from the mirror! It took me a very long time to feel remotely comfortable about myself.
For most of my life I've had issues with weight. Not to the degree of being morbidly obese, but heavy enough to mean a lot of people would rule me out straight away. In the last few years, because I've become a lot more focused on my health, I've managed to make a real dent in my weight and probably for the first time in my adult life have my weight and BMI at a healthy level. Still lots more work to do, but I'm in the zone.
Mentally, I'm quite resilient and can cope with setbacks and knockbacks. As I've matured, I have a much deeper and stronger understanding of what I want in someone, and how this is found on the inside, with their personality, outlook and attitude, with significantly less importance being placed on their physical manifestation. In turn, I've found that those ladies who think on the same lines as myself, are the most interesting to me, and that they are also more likely to have an interest in me. So, I've learned to worry less trying to be someone I'm not, but concentrating instead on being the best me that I can be.
I'm 5'9"... if she wants 6" and above I'm on the wrong page and turn over. |
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I used to put myself down all time! Stems from an abusive partner who all through our marriage told me I was fat and ugly and had nothing of any interest to say! We divorced 30 years ago! And when I look back at my pics then I dont know why I believed him but I really did! When i met my second partner and was treated right it began to build my confidence in myself! But that niggle stays with me from long ago! But I dont let it rear its head ! And am now happy in my own skin lumps bumps and all x |
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I honestly have no idea where it stems from for me. I've had no bad experiences and never been treated negatively. It's just a case of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see and I am forever comparing myself to other women both on here and in real life.
Being on here has helped although I still struggle with accepting that compliments are sincere from most people. I very much have the view that people will just fell you what they think you want to hear.
Kx |
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"I have a terbulent relationship with body image. And despite what I often post on here it's the best it has been.
My lack of confidence is deep rooted, between my dad saying I was like a back end of a bus when I was a size 10 to my ex who said I was unattractive and a niche. But I can't blame them for it all either.
In my teens and early 20's magazines were filled with circle of shame, which pointed out celebrities so called flaws, one I really remember is one showing Kylie's cellulite and she's blinking tiny.
We have adverts that tell us how to get rid or lessen stretch marks on the TV as though they are something to get rid of. There's a billions being spent by industry telling us we're not good enough just so they can sell us shit. It's insidious and not always obvious, but it's a constant you can make yourself look better instead of you look amazing as you are
It's not just the media and beauty industry. Read the comments on the forum that sneak into people's brains. If anyone dares say they think they look good there will *always* be "I prefer beauty on the inside" "arrogance is not attractive" etc.
We as a society encourage insecurity in women"
This is true also, women who are confidential or spent a lot of time on their looks are self absorbed, those who are confident in the work place are bitches or battle axes. Always boils down to who do they think they are? |
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"I have a terbulent relationship with body image. And despite what I often post on here it's the best it has been.
My lack of confidence is deep rooted, between my dad saying I was like a back end of a bus when I was a size 10 to my ex who said I was unattractive and a niche. But I can't blame them for it all either.
In my teens and early 20's magazines were filled with circle of shame, which pointed out celebrities so called flaws, one I really remember is one showing Kylie's cellulite and she's blinking tiny.
We have adverts that tell us how to get rid or lessen stretch marks on the TV as though they are something to get rid of. There's a billions being spent by industry telling us we're not good enough just so they can sell us shit. It's insidious and not always obvious, but it's a constant you can make yourself look better instead of you look amazing as you are
It's not just the media and beauty industry. Read the comments on the forum that sneak into people's brains. If anyone dares say they think they look good there will *always* be "I prefer beauty on the inside" "arrogance is not attractive" etc.
We as a society encourage insecurity in women
This is true also, women who are confidential or spent a lot of time on their looks are self absorbed, those who are confident in the work place are bitches or battle axes. Always boils down to who do they think they are? "
Yep!
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
I think it is a great thread, thank you OP.
For me, it is a little bit like "confidence being wasted on the mature (=as in older) people."
I do believe we (women and to a degree men as well) are so self critical because of internalised childhood voices telling us we are not good enough, must try harder to please and be perfect.
I wish I had had today's confidence confidence about being anything but perfect when I was in my twenties and perhaps thirties.
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By *ly-FoxMan
over a year ago
mobile |
My self shaming is more about the way I am than the way I look (though I dont particularly like that either).
I often put myself down for the way I think or act asking myself why I cant be "normal" like everyone else.
I was never popular when I grew up and never felt like I fitted in anywhere. I still struggle to fit in now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I sleep with a new partner they always seem surprised that I have no qualms in getting naked and leaving lights on. "
I've always been fascinated by this sentiment.
I know clothes can cover things up to a degree, but they cannot dramatically alter your body shape or size, such that you can suddenly drop 6 dress sizes with the right knickers! My point being that, certainly in my case, you're going to have a really good idea what to expect when the dress hits the floor. And also in my case, if we're liking each other enough for the dress to hit the floor, haven't we already got passed the presentation stage?
Sexy isn't a shape or size, it's an attitude! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
I think it goes beyond body self-image though and into self-perception generally - I used to be very self-deprecating, and still am to an extent, born largely out of a defence mechanism to being picked on when I was at school, figured that if I could laugh at myself then I'd beaten them to it.
Deep down I know I'm a decent person, who puts others before myself and like to think I'm thoughtful and considerate etc. Body wise for years I didn't care, and there's no escaping it, I was overweight and out of shape and didn't look particularly great - then had an epiphany about 5 years ago and lost a lot of weight and started to care about my shape - a year ago I joined a gym and was slowly working to a level of fitness and dealing with the remaining issues I had with my body when life circumstance and lockdown bought an end to that, but it's something I'll re-visit when circumstances allow.
I've never thought of myself as particularly attractive, either in looks or personality though until I joined here and realised that some people did find me appealing so now grudgingly admit I must have something but still have self-doubt and other things to get my head round but it's a work in progress and I'll get there, I'm certainly not as self-deprecating as I used to be, which is a start. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have huge body image issues. I know the deep rooted cause and it's been that way so long, it'll never change. I'm never going to be totally happy with my body but I can have days where I feel good or like the look of myself. It's eaiser in pics because I can change the angles to only show what I'm comfortable with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've always put myself down around people its like a security blanket "ill say it first , just in case they want to".
I always remember as a teen getting the comment "you b pretty if you lost a little weight" " need to lose that weight now it gets harder to lose when you get older"
I was the tomboy mad into cars and bikes, was one of the lads not girly at all. No boys were interested in me I was the friend etc
Used to hear comments oh your sister/ friend is gorgeous, my reply was ah I'm the fat funny one. When I think of nights out where I've been rejected by guys or comments made. Was introduced to a guy and he turned around and said oh god no dont like fat birds.
I was recommended here by a female friend a few years ago who thought it would b good for my confidence to see that some guys do like women with weight on them. And yes it has helped, if she had told me I'd have no issue taking pics and posting them I'd have laughed at her. Now I have experienced some nastiness on here even the other night was told from a random guy that no amount of sexy underwear would make my ass sexy. I just thanked him for his opinion and blocked him.
At end of the day I know I have fat but I'm a beautiful loving person with a heart of gold. And he the one missing out.
Have just read the book Women dont owe you pretty and ladies im telling you get it talk about an awakening. Every young girl should read it.
So heres to loving myself finally only took me 46 years.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I go through phases of being OK with how I look and not OK at all. Rejection has an effect. I'm naturally more on the side of not liking how I look which is think is largely down to being bullied when young both in and out of home, partners that criticised my body and looks, and the changes our bodies go through with motherhood. I've gained weight lately and don't like some bits of it but because I'm smaller version of other females I don't find I'm actually allowed to be down on myself as others are quick to tell me I shouldn't be because I'm small. But.... I am after all still a woman that has aged gone through body changes with motherhood and gained weight over time. Sometimes it's really hard to get used to what you look like because it changes all the time and so do the opinions of others. Not that anyone's opinions but your own should matter but we all know the have an effect. |
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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago
The South |
I look at my pictures, I look in the mirror.
I'm a fattie. There's no denying it.
However, M has helped me understand there's more to me than my curves.
That I'm still attractive, that I'm desirable, despite, or maybe because of my curves.
Would I like to be more slim, yes. Is it going to happen, no.
Am I ok with that, yes.
I'm in a good place, I have a man that adores me.
I'm also realistic. There's no denying my curves, I'm ok with them.
E |
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When younger i was very geeky and always felt dufferent. Met my ex who was a right nob and constant abuse but got rid when i thought im better than this. I still dont think im gorgeous . Im pretty average but ive got to the age if u dont like it tough. But still gets me down when i get abusive messages from the odd nob. But hey ho who cares x |
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By *ly-FoxMan
over a year ago
mobile |
"I go through phases of being OK with how I look and not OK at all. Rejection has an effect. I'm naturally more on the side of not liking how I look which is think is largely down to being bullied when young both in and out of home, partners that criticised my body and looks, and the changes our bodies go through with motherhood. I've gained weight lately and don't like some bits of it but because I'm smaller version of other females I don't find I'm actually allowed to be down on myself as others are quick to tell me I shouldn't be because I'm small. But.... I am after all still a woman that has aged gone through body changes with motherhood and gained weight over time. Sometimes it's really hard to get used to what you look like because it changes all the time and so do the opinions of others. Not that anyone's opinions but your own should matter but we all know the have an effect. "
I think you look incredible x |
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Warning.... Very personal and abusive language ahead.
I'm my case it's quite simple. My mother drilled into me from a young age that I was "disgusting" and "no girl will ever look at you". As I got into my teens her words became more cruel and aimed at my "great hanging belly", and at telling me I was "the fattest child in the world. There's no hope for you".
Though I've come a heck of a long way, the damage was done. I'll never consider myself handsome or beautiful.... Even if I am fairly content with body.
I am fat, and that's not an insult it's just a description. I'm ok with that and in fact slowly started losing weight the day I decided not to worry about it. |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I'm over weight and I know I need to lose it and have lost some.
The worse part for me was when I was younger I had a great body but I never realised it at the time. Like many above had exs and family always telling me I wasn't good enough and I think if you get told often enough you begin to believe it.
I know I am happier when slimmer and am on a mission to lose the weight and get fitter.
I have met some amazing people on here some have become close friends and they have definitely helped with my confidence which is a work in progress. I know I'll never have the body I had in my 20s but I'll get to the point where I'm happier with it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My self loathing comes from the mirror. I am overweight and it all hangs,saggy. I don't like my face either. It's all in proportion but not particularly nice. I have a profile picture of me in a bra. Great boobs they say,good bra I reply. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Mine stems from school really years or being bullied and you start believing in what’s being said about yourself. I laughed it off for years but it did take its toll I never used to own a mirror cause I never liked what I was seeing no matter what I did to try makes things better always had the bullies in the back of me head. Still know I do have my moments I know I don’t have the body or god or the amazing good licks but I’ve learnt to live with what I have and try to use what’s not on the outside but what I’m about on the inside for my benefits |
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