FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Auntie Ps advice line
Auntie Ps advice line
Jump to: Newest in thread
You know the drill.
You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.
Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.
As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.
Bosch.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You know the drill.
You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.
Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.
As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.
Bosch.
"
do we asked publicly or dm?? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You know the drill.
You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.
Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.
As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.
Bosch.
do we asked publicly or dm??"
Has to be public. Tis the law. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You know the drill.
You spill your guts about things that are making your eyes all leaky or your toes all curly. I'll even answer your woes about things that are making your rage all Hulky.
Anything and everything, we aren't squeamish in this part of town.
As ever, if you're a dickhead enough to follow advice given, you deserve the consequences.
Bosch.
do we asked publicly or dm??
Has to be public. Tis the law."
oh hell I'm not so sure about that  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
Aunty P! Howdy!
Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?
I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *lfacatMan
over a year ago
Cumbria |
Hello Aunty P
I have to wear in a new pair of Levi’s and they feel like they’re made of cardboard...
Is there away of avoiding the onset of chaffing?
Thank you in advance
Your red thighed servant. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"What do I do about my sister who I kinda like, but she keeps insisting on talking to my ex even though she knows he's a right piece of shit? "
Ohhhh my sunny sombrero!
My sister called Linda she leant out the winda and shat on my sunny sombrero.
You switch hats with her, send her downstairs just below the window and drop a log.
Tell her if she likes shit, you've plenty more pieces where that came from.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Aunty P! Howdy!
Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?
I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself."
Rolling pin innit.
You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Hello Aunty P
I have to wear in a new pair of Levi’s and they feel like they’re made of cardboard...
Is there away of avoiding the onset of chaffing?
Thank you in advance
Your red thighed servant."
You know in the film Oliver! when they're beating the shit outta the dusty rugs? Yeah, go to my house and do that.
Once you've done that you can help yourself to the vaseline on the window ledge.
As for your levis.... burn them. Problem solved. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Afternoon Auntie P. 
My hip is giving me a right pain in the arse and it's knocking the life out of me. I'm on all the meds but nothing is working. I can't get to see my gp. But will have a call in two weeks time. If I get up within 5 minutes of standing on it. It gives way.
I'm a miserable mare. 
Help!!
Jo.Xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Auntie
Being completely straight, recently I have been having certain feelings, now i do like my cock played with, but have been wondering what it would be like to do this to another?
Oh auntie what do i do |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Dear Aunty P.
What's your solution for feet that are so cold that they're actually numb and are slightly blue?"
Hot water bottle slipperage.
Make sure you cool them down in the freezer for a few hours so as not to burn your tootsies. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
A classy lady who shall not be named local to me keeps teasing but when i ask about a possible meet after lockdown she totally changes the convo.
Is she playing hard to get? Or just playing me? 
Shall i pursue or back off? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Afternoon Auntie P.
My hip is giving me a right pain in the arse and it's knocking the life out of me. I'm on all the meds but nothing is working. I can't get to see my gp. But will have a call in two weeks time. If I get up within 5 minutes of standing on it. It gives way.
I'm a miserable mare.
Help!!
Jo.Xx "
Knackers yard? I reckon D will get a fair price for ya which can go towards crimbo.
I wish you'd have said something sooner, I had some quality knockout gas leaking from my armpits. Actually, the green vapour cloud that escaped out the window when I showered may be reaching yours about now.
Roll to the front door and inhale deeply |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..
If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them  does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Auntie
Being completely straight, recently I have been having certain feelings, now i do like my cock played with, but have been wondering what it would be like to do this to another?
Oh auntie what do i do"
You go wash those rotten thoughts out of your head. Playing with someone else's cock! Jebus man, who in their right mind would touch someone else's genitals?
*shudder*
Or..... you *could* attend a glory hole and take it from there but that's far too sensible to come out of my mouth |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Aunty P
Currently drenched in baby oil.. thought id try making new vids. I used a bit too much.. I got some in my hair (fucking mad at myself) so now need a shower but dont wanna kill myself in the process lol
water/oil = not best mixed |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"A classy lady who shall not be named local to me keeps teasing but when i ask about a possible meet after lockdown she totally changes the convo.
Is she playing hard to get? Or just playing me?
Shall i pursue or back off?"
Tell my Uncle Bill to pack it in. He's always doing this.
Back in the day when he lived in Buffalo he got quite good at penis tucking and dressing as a woman. He's suckered you in sweet cheeks. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"What do I do about my sister who I kinda like, but she keeps insisting on talking to my ex even though she knows he's a right piece of shit?
Ohhhh my sunny sombrero!
My sister called Linda she leant out the winda and shat on my sunny sombrero.
You switch hats with her, send her downstairs just below the window and drop a log.
Tell her if she likes shit, you've plenty more pieces where that came from.
"
Fucking love it, was going to tell her to go fuck him if she liked him so much. But I much prefer this solution |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"AuntyP -do you have a legal cure for sorting a bastard narcissist son-in-law and a good tonic for my daughter, I'm running out of tissues."
I recommend contacting Le Po-Po
Gaffa tape, pliers and an electric drill is frowned upon these days |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..
If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question "
Honest answer.
It makes you human. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..
If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question
Honest answer.
It makes you human."
well I wasnt expecting that |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Auntie P,
I'm grumpy again (surprise surprise)
I'm in pain, have a little one off school until monday because he had a dodgy tummy this morning, I havent slept in what feels like a decade and I'm only just resisting the urge to bring the twat bat out and go to town on everyone that breathes in my direction.
Oh and I'd quite like to batter the shite out of my ex husband because....well because he deserves it.
What do you advise?
Yours
Non Sparkly - Sparkles |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Afternoon Auntie P.
My hip is giving me a right pain in the arse and it's knocking the life out of me. I'm on all the meds but nothing is working. I can't get to see my gp. But will have a call in two weeks time. If I get up within 5 minutes of standing on it. It gives way.
I'm a miserable mare.
Help!!
Jo.Xx
Knackers yard? I reckon D will get a fair price for ya which can go towards crimbo.
I wish you'd have said something sooner, I had some quality knockout gas leaking from my armpits. Actually, the green vapour cloud that escaped out the window when I showered may be reaching yours about now.
Roll to the front door and inhale deeply "
If I thought he would get a decent price Id let him sell me. I guess I'll have to roll to the front door and inhale deeply and hope for the best.
You're a life saver Auntie P.  
Jo.Xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Aunty P
Currently drenched in baby oil.. thought id try making new vids. I used a bit too much.. I got some in my hair (fucking mad at myself) so now need a shower but dont wanna kill myself in the process lol
water/oil = not best mixed "
I'm well practiced in this art.
You go roll in the grass like a dog who's found a steaming pile of fresh fox dollop.
Fool-proof |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Auntie P,
I'm grumpy again (surprise surprise)
I'm in pain, have a little one off school until monday because he had a dodgy tummy this morning, I havent slept in what feels like a decade and I'm only just resisting the urge to bring the twat bat out and go to town on everyone that breathes in my direction.
Oh and I'd quite like to batter the shite out of my ex husband because....well because he deserves it.
What do you advise?
Yours
Non Sparkly - Sparkles"
You got any rotting veg?
You and the munchkin can build a lego trebuchet and point it in the direction of the ex.
Educational AND serves a sinister purpose. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Auntie P,
I'm grumpy again (surprise surprise)
I'm in pain, have a little one off school until monday because he had a dodgy tummy this morning, I havent slept in what feels like a decade and I'm only just resisting the urge to bring the twat bat out and go to town on everyone that breathes in my direction.
Oh and I'd quite like to batter the shite out of my ex husband because....well because he deserves it.
What do you advise?
Yours
Non Sparkly - Sparkles
You got any rotting veg?
You and the munchkin can build a lego trebuchet and point it in the direction of the ex.
Educational AND serves a sinister purpose."
Oh I love this answer! Thank you! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..
If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question
Honest answer.
It makes you human."
what would the auntie p answer be lol |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..
If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question
Honest answer.
It makes you human. what would the auntie p answer be lol "
It makes you so desperate for attention that you'll entertain Rose West if she winked at ya.
Go get yourself a goldfish and call it Captain Shinysides. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *r.HMan
over a year ago
A gentleman never tells |
Auntie P the all seeing all knowing knowledgeable one, please help me deal with the fuckwit drivers who are too lazy to use the indicators on their cars. I am at the end of my tether and feel my inner hulk brewing |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Ok heres goes.... dear auntie p..
If I find myself flirting and chatting to a TS woman on here who very much identifies as a woman although still has man dangles between her legs. Although admittedly I havnt seen them does that still make me straight that I'm enjoying the flirt or does that make me bi??? Honest question
Honest answer.
It makes you human. what would the auntie p answer be lol
It makes you so desperate for attention that you'll entertain Rose West if she winked at ya.
Go get yourself a goldfish and call it Captain Shinysides. "
hahahahaha love it |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"AuntyP -do you have a legal cure for sorting a bastard narcissist son-in-law and a good tonic for my daughter, I'm running out of tissues.
I recommend contacting Le Po-Po
Gaffa tape, pliers and an electric drill is frowned upon these days "
I quite like frowning, Le Po-Po in the frame  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Auntie P the all seeing all knowing knowledgeable one, please help me deal with the fuckwit drivers who are too lazy to use the indicators on their cars. I am at the end of my tether and feel my inner hulk brewing "
Release
The
Hulk
Be a gem tho, and get it on video  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Dear Auntie P, is it possible to get repetitive strain injury from too much wanking?
Asking for a friend "
Nope. Not even a little bit. In fact it just means the muscles are weak like a tiny little mousey and more practice is needed.
RSI is something lazy people made up to get out of work. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Auntie P,
I slipped on a stray ice cube in my (laminate floor) kitchen earlier and now have the worlds smallest perineum.
Who do you think I should call. The Guiness book of records or that doctor that suddenly got buff from ‘embarrassing bodies’?
I feel that fame beckons...... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Aunty P! Howdy!
Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?
I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself.
Rolling pin innit.
You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places."
Good idea there Aunty P.... but then she might be pissed at me and stop making me coffee..... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Auntie P,
I slipped on a stray ice cube in my (laminate floor) kitchen earlier and now have the worlds smallest perineum.
Who do you think I should call. The Guiness book of records or that doctor that suddenly got buff from ‘embarrassing bodies’?
I feel that fame beckons......"
Bare with me whilst I compose myself, I'm not laughing. Butt I am.
Fuck it, get em both round!
Genuine reason to sort yourself an accidental 3some.
The entrance music as they enter the threshold to your dwelling has to be "notorious"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Aunty P! Howdy!
Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?
I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself.
Rolling pin innit.
You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places.
Good idea there Aunty P.... but then she might be pissed at me and stop making me coffee..... "
Steal her bank card and order yourself a coffee machine. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
My Dearest Auntie P,
I had an all over lockdown crop at the weekend and realised that my hairline is receding faster than the tide off Margate pier at sunset - do I grow it out and pretend I never noticed or prepare myself by buying Mr Sheen in bulk for my dotage when it disappears completely? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Dear Aunty P
S needs a new vibrator for the release of sexual tension.
Rechargeable or mains powered?
D"
Jump leads. Rev that baby up like Lewis motherfucking Hamilton
I would have said Schumacher but that would be bad taste and made me think of Frankensteins monster coming to life. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"My Dearest Auntie P,
I had an all over lockdown crop at the weekend and realised that my hairline is receding faster than the tide off Margate pier at sunset - do I grow it out and pretend I never noticed or prepare myself by buying Mr Sheen in bulk for my dotage when it disappears completely? "
You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My Dearest Auntie P,
I had an all over lockdown crop at the weekend and realised that my hairline is receding faster than the tide off Margate pier at sunset - do I grow it out and pretend I never noticed or prepare myself by buying Mr Sheen in bulk for my dotage when it disappears completely?
You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them "
Head hamster |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Aunty P
She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot.
Aunty P, I like your toot. Is this normal. "
No, that's why I like it.
*uses this opportunity to remind everyone that holding in farts can give you heartburn or acid indigestion.
This is an actual fact and not a made up fact.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"My Dearest Auntie P,
I had an all over lockdown crop at the weekend and realised that my hairline is receding faster than the tide off Margate pier at sunset - do I grow it out and pretend I never noticed or prepare myself by buying Mr Sheen in bulk for my dotage when it disappears completely?
You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them "
Sometimes Auntie P your advice is so spot on it's unreal - other times it just makes me want to  - no prizes for guessing what this one is!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"My Dearest Auntie P,
I had an all over lockdown crop at the weekend and realised that my hairline is receding faster than the tide off Margate pier at sunset - do I grow it out and pretend I never noticed or prepare myself by buying Mr Sheen in bulk for my dotage when it disappears completely?
You could always message Trump and see if he has a spare head hamster. I mean, I can't see him going out in public for a while so won't be needing them
Sometimes Auntie P your advice is so spot on it's unreal - other times it just makes me want to - no prizes for guessing what this one is!! "
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Aunty P! Howdy!
Me back is playing up wildly and I'm on all the good drugs but it's still bad. What are the best household implements to use for spinal surgery?
I have a bubble buddy and the dog and they're up for helping, so I don't have to actually operate on myself.
Rolling pin innit.
You use it to batter the bubble buddy with for not rubbing you in the right places.
Good idea there Aunty P.... but then she might be pissed at me and stop making me coffee.....
Steal her bank card and order yourself a coffee machine. "
You're a flipping genius. Just don't tell her that's the plan |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Dear Aunty P
S needs a new vibrator for the release of sexual tension.
Rechargeable or mains powered?
D
Jump leads. Rev that baby up like Lewis motherfucking Hamilton
I would have said Schumacher but that would be bad taste and made me think of Frankensteins monster coming to life."
And now you're a little turned on by the thought of Frankensteins Monster coming yo life.... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Looking for helpful advice on best way to dispose of a body.....(best friend's arsehole husband!!!!)
Under the patio?"
Patios are always a good shout.
Mine is in dire need of some work so an obvious choice of disposal site.
Just don't be letting her go all practical magic on me and leaving me with a tequila drinking Latino ghost prick and a garden full of toads.
Also, bring a few pot plants, I'm a fan of the bottle bottlebrush (I think that's what it's called) and fuchsias. Fuck me I love em. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Looking for helpful advice on best way to dispose of a body.....(best friend's arsehole husband!!!!)
Under the patio?
Patios are always a good shout.
Mine is in dire need of some work so an obvious choice of disposal site.
Just don't be letting her go all practical magic on me and leaving me with a tequila drinking Latino ghost prick and a garden full of toads.
Also, bring a few pot plants, I'm a fan of the bottle bottlebrush (I think that's what it's called) and fuchsias. Fuck me I love em."
Thank you Wise One |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Dear Auntie P
My ‘friend’ has a bit of a dilemma...
Is it ok to shag an Aunt?"
That depends which one.
One that you'd need to exhume first and I'll suggest you might not want to be doing that. By the time you've finally got the lid off you'll probably be too knackered anyway, and even if you did have a few thrusts in ya, you'll probably scratch your winky on a sharp bit of pubic bone.
If it's a short arse aunt who has a big mouth and goes by the name of _rincess peach tho, I not only say it's ok, I actively encourage and recommend it |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Aunty P
She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot.
Aunty P, I like your toot. Is this normal.
No, that's why I like it.
*uses this opportunity to remind everyone that holding in farts can give you heartburn or acid indigestion.
This is an actual fact and not a made up fact.
"
The fact is if you hold in farts they will travel up through the spine to your brain and will give you shitty thoughts! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Aunty P
She's having a poo. Leave your question at the toot.
Aunty P, I like your toot. Is this normal.
No, that's why I like it.
*uses this opportunity to remind everyone that holding in farts can give you heartburn or acid indigestion.
This is an actual fact and not a made up fact.
The fact is if you hold in farts they will travel up through the spine to your brain and will give you shitty thoughts! "
Must explain why I'm such a smarty pants then, coz I let mine roam free |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
