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After sex etiquette
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Think dating. Not fab. Real world experiences.
We’ve probably all been here, slept with a guy and then it’s that sensitive time following it.
It’s happening to a friend now. We had a good conversation Friday, we’d both suffered some bad treatment from guys this year that took way too much energy. We both agreed that we were back in that happy space where you just feel content, not messaging anyone, no plans to meet. I said best we stay like this now for the rest of the year and not risk being in that negative headspace over Xmas and that. Saturday she has a date with a guy she met last year, slept with him. Now all day today been watching the phone, has he messaged me, he hasn’t read my message.
So to the men what goes through your head after sleeping with someone?
Like surely it should be as simple as if you like the person then communication would be the same as it was leading up to sleeping with them? Is the lack of communication a clear sign that they only wanted a shag?
Do you feel like you have to tone it down and not appear too keen? What is it? |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
Why should communication stop or change just because the deed's been done? If the person was pleasant enough to engage with before sex why should that change after? My view anyway and it's been my approach.
If communication stopped or seriously dropped off afterwards that would be a sign that it was done solely for one purpose. Sex as the end goal only as opposed to it coming about naturally through interacting with someone pleasant and interesting. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It’s quite a common thing. Communication can be really strong and they could be the one to initiate meets and stuff and then you do it and then nothing. I’m trying to help people not get to that stage where they’re being used for sex and be able to spot what someone’s intentions are before they jump into bed with people and end up feeling used.
It as obvious as what I’ve described isn’t it? Like if you don’t hear anything after it’s obvious sex was the goal and nothing else. |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"It’s quite a common thing. Communication can be really strong and they could be the one to initiate meets and stuff and then you do it and then nothing. I’m trying to help people not get to that stage where they’re being used for sex and be able to spot what someone’s intentions are before they jump into bed with people and end up feeling used.
It as obvious as what I’ve described isn’t it? Like if you don’t hear anything after it’s obvious sex was the goal and nothing else. "
Perhaps the issue nowadays is that people jump into bed way too early on? Imagine if they were to date several times without any sex. That would give someone time to better gauge the others intentions?
As an example I dated my ex for nearly three months before we had sex  |
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"It’s quite a common thing. Communication can be really strong and they could be the one to initiate meets and stuff and then you do it and then nothing. I’m trying to help people not get to that stage where they’re being used for sex and be able to spot what someone’s intentions are before they jump into bed with people and end up feeling used.
It as obvious as what I’ve described isn’t it? Like if you don’t hear anything after it’s obvious sex was the goal and nothing else.
Perhaps the issue nowadays is that people jump into bed way too early on? Imagine if they were to date several times without any sex. That would give someone time to better gauge the others intentions?
As an example I dated my ex for nearly three months before we had sex "
S and I had sex within a few weeks, if I remember rightly and we were 17/18. Maybe it was a month. Anyway, here we are, 17yrs later. How long you wait for sex doesn't necessarily impact on how you communicate after. |
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I actually like the cool down after sex. Laying there, still naked, chatting about normal stuff, snuggled together hoping there’ll be a ‘next time’
It’s if they Immediately get dressed and go home I feel a bit cheap.
(Yes, I’m a bloke talking about women) |
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I simply like to have a good spooning and a good chat afterwards. Also it’s nice to chat afterwards when we go our separate ways. Simply to see if everything was alright I may be a chance for another meet.
But that is just me. I like to keep things simple and nice |
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With both dating and fab meets I would be upset to be ignored after having sex. Thankfully with either I can't remember the last time it happened. I can't help but wonder if your friend is waiting for him to text first though? If she has text him to say thanks for a good night and is ignored then that is shitty but if neither message the other then both are kind of as bad as each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"With both dating and fab meets I would be upset to be ignored after having sex. Thankfully with either I can't remember the last time it happened. I can't help but wonder if your friend is waiting for him to text first though? If she has text him to say thanks for a good night and is ignored then that is shitty but if neither message the other then both are kind of as bad as each other. "
That saved me some typing.
This  |
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By *wiftieeMan
over a year ago
near Glasgow |
"Why should communication stop or change just because the deed's been done? If the person was pleasant enough to engage with before sex why should that change after? My view anyway and it's been my approach.
If communication stopped or seriously dropped off afterwards that would be a sign that it was done solely for one purpose. Sex as the end goal only as opposed to it coming about naturally through interacting with someone pleasant and interesting."
Exactly, this every time, women need to be treated with respect, not just for a shag, and then go.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I treat fab meets the same as I do a date. I would be mightily pissed off if they didn’t contact me after. But the guys who get me into bed would know my expectations to start with as we would have built up to that form of friendship first.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I treat fab meets the same as I do a date. I would be mightily pissed off if they didn’t contact me after. But the guys who get me into bed would know my expectations to start with as we would have built up to that form of friendship first.
"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Is it fair to say then that after you’ve had sex with someone and they’ve gone home, in the days following on from it, if communication gets less frequent or they start ignoring your messages then they have no intention of pursuing things further?
Sounds pretty obvious when I write it like that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it fair to say then that after you’ve had sex with someone and they’ve gone home, in the days following on from it, if communication gets less frequent or they start ignoring your messages then they have no intention of pursuing things further?
Sounds pretty obvious when I write it like that. "
There's hope for you yet in your quest for knowledge |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"Is it fair to say then that after you’ve had sex with someone and they’ve gone home, in the days following on from it, if communication gets less frequent or they start ignoring your messages then they have no intention of pursuing things further?
Sounds pretty obvious when I write it like that. "
Nail on the head |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It nearly always happens to me. Lots of chatting and flirting up to meeting then afterwards nothing. But I have been told I'm good in bed 
Please don't say thank you,I feel as though I've provided a service. |
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"Is it fair to say then that after you’ve had sex with someone and they’ve gone home, in the days following on from it, if communication gets less frequent or they start ignoring your messages then they have no intention of pursuing things further?
Sounds pretty obvious when I write it like that. "
Crikey - I’ve just realised I’m a man! 
In all fairness - unless it’s a relationship - which is entirely different - I communicate far more in the build up to a meet/sex than I do afterwards!
I certainly don’t ignore them - particularly if I’d like to see them again - but after the initial ‘glow’ has worn off its every couple of days at most.
To be fair I don’t contact friends daily either - I’m just not that type of person.
Maybe that’s why fab suits me so much? Most people don’t expect constant communication. Xx |
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"It nearly always happens to me. Lots of chatting and flirting up to meeting then afterwards nothing. But I have been told I'm good in bed
Please don't say thank you,I feel as though I've provided a service."
Oh god - I do this too! 
I thought thanking people for a lovely time was the norm? |
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By *manda63Woman
over a year ago
Southampton |
"I actually like the cool down after sex. Laying there, still naked, chatting about normal stuff, snuggled together hoping there’ll be a ‘next time’
It’s if they Immediately get dressed and go home I feel a bit cheap.
(Yes, I’m a bloke talking about women)"
I like this after sex too, nearly all of my meets have ended with us just lying there talking. Only one has asked me to leave straight away, as his mummy was coming over |
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By *edVelveteenCouple
over a year ago
Heaven in the Midlands |
He could be waiting for her to text. It's not always seen as the man's job these days. One thing I've learnt, is dont wait on others. Get on the phone and say what you want. You get to my age and you realise how much time you've wasted waiting for others to make the move. And by the way, no mention of us being in the middle of a pandemic and social distancing?  |
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I think it depends on the tone of the conversation before and during the date...if someone is giving of a casual "just enjoying my sexual freedom" vibe, then I think it's reasonable for the other person to assume that it's just a one off thing and may not necessarily feel it's appropriate to continue the conversation afterwards.
But, I'd say the day after is too soon to be expecting a response from a first date...I generally find it a bit eager and off-putting when someone messages straight away.
Personally, I approach these things with no expectations of it being any more than a one off, but if I've had a good time I'd send a message to thank them...if they didn't respond to that then I'd assume that they didn't want to see me again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jeez..has to be one of the most nerve racking times ..the aftermath of a meet or a date where things got sexual..will he won't he .. will she won't she text or Message..and about what ??..if a message isn't sent or received ..are they Interested in meeting again or are both waiting to see if the other sends first ..a text stand off as such ..THAT is why it's so important to say what you want to say the very night ye meet , whatever it is .. whatever you feel ..wether it's a " I'd love to meet up again if you're interested " or " l really enjoyed your company ,take care and best wishes to you " ..yes maybe one ..or both.. might be what you don't want to hear but it certainly wipes out all the aftermath crap that could potentially follow. |
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I think people are different and take differing timescales to process things. It's better for people to respond and interact as is right for them, that because of expectations or influences. We each then get an easier way to understand each other honestly.
There are people who want sex and use the guise of looking for a relationship - they may kid themselves too. We can only find the right people for us if we learn as we go and do what we can to foster honesty. Any relationship may progress in a number of ways and how we behave and our motivations have influence on this too. Certainly 1 of the better ways to gauge things is by agreeing next steps with a partner and evaluation of us and them afterwards. |
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It really is a difficult situation in some respects, from my experience I have slot of women love that thrill of new / fresh meat on here, apologies for the pun, though I have been on and off the site for about 6 years and in that time I have very rarely met the sane woman again, it's just the nature of the site...in this time I had a 6 month affair so yes I was meeting the same individual time and time again and on another instance I had a 2 year relationship with the woman, though in most instances unfortunately I feel that women love that sensation of a new chase and so txting and conversation becomes few and far between once that initial thrill of the meet has come and passed |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Please don't say thank you,I feel as though I've provided a service."
That's just a bit sad actually...
I'm very much a thank you guy. Thank you for a wonderful day / evening / time / whatever... if I've enjoyed my time with someone I thank them. Simple. Nobody knows how much time they have on earth, and it really is the most precious commodity to share / spend with someone.
But to get to the OP's point... perhaps both parties needed to establish their boundaries in advance, rather than wishful thinking afterwards? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thank you very much.
Pull up pants. Leave.
It's no strings sex not a relationship "
Guess you didn’t read the very first line of the opening post then which specifically states I’m asking for answered that are not related to fab meets at all and only interested in real world/dating scenarios. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you very much.
Pull up pants. Leave.
It's no strings sex not a relationship
Guess you didn’t read the very first line of the opening post then which specifically states I’m asking for answered that are not related to fab meets at all and only interested in real world/dating scenarios. "
To be fair that could be his real world scenario. Some people are happy with NSA, doesn't mean it's just on Fab. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"After a fab meet, I always message to say a ‘thank you’. It’s good manners. Also very important if you want a second and third meet !!!"
That makes sense |
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If the pre meeting texts have the slightest hint it’s going to be a ‘fuck and go’ then I walk away and it’s easy to read between the lines.... I value my integrity more
I have a feeling your friend just needs to feel wanted/needed rather than the quality of the date/meeting |
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"It’s quite a common thing. Communication can be really strong and they could be the one to initiate meets and stuff and then you do it and then nothing. I’m trying to help people not get to that stage where they’re being used for sex and be able to spot what someone’s intentions are before they jump into bed with people and end up feeling used.
It as obvious as what I’ve described isn’t it? Like if you don’t hear anything after it’s obvious sex was the goal and nothing else. "
This happens so much! I dont have any expectations anymore so cant get hurt! But it's hard x |
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This shouldn't be a male v female questions.
It's the PERSON not the gender.
It sounds as if your friend is unable to deal with they chasm between her expectations and reality.
Unless she has a signed contract that says ..... Fuckers must text me the next day so I don't feel used, then she's just going to have to do what other emotionally mature and secure adults do and take responsibility for her own feelings and stop thinking that she should get some kind of emotional payment for 'giving it out' .... or at the very least she could say before hand that not texting within 12 hours of sex is considered bad form in her head.
Seems to me that he could be phone watching too ...... the poor soul. One of them had better be the grown up n phone the other. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"
Like surely it should be as simple as if you like the person then communication would be the same as it was leading up to sleeping with them? Is the lack of communication a clear sign that they only wanted a shag?
"
Yes, it’s a clear sign lust took over and you made the wrong decision. That’s why you should get to know someone first then properly enjoy the afterglow , it’s a great part. |
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"It's a minefield. Text too quick and they think you're needy, don't text they just think you used them for sex. I wish it was just simple and everything didn't have to a have a hidden meaning. "
It's not a minefield. Text if you want to, when you want to. If you don't want to text, don't. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!"
He's ramping up for another shag. |
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"It’s quite a common thing. Communication can be really strong and they could be the one to initiate meets and stuff and then you do it and then nothing. I’m trying to help people not get to that stage where they’re being used for sex and be able to spot what someone’s intentions are before they jump into bed with people and end up feeling used.
It as obvious as what I’ve described isn’t it? Like if you don’t hear anything after it’s obvious sex was the goal and nothing else. "
I have had this with nearly every guy I've met.
I notice after a great meet, I feel a little more emotional than normal. I'm wondering if this has to do with the drop in hormones, like how you get subdrop after a good bdsm impact scene?
It would be nice if the messaging carried on as it was before the meet, but it does seem to be that they put in all the effort beforehand, then can't be bothered once it's all over....only until they decide they want sex again, then start up the messaging again!
It does make me feel like I'm just being used as and when they feel like it. I just want a genuine fwb, who I can chat to, like a friend, between meets, then have regular mind blowing filthy sex.
Seems like that is one fantasy I will never get to fulfill  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag."
Or he could possibly want a relationship? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag.
Or he could possibly want a relationship? "
I doubt that |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag.
Or he could possibly want a relationship?
I doubt that "
Ok so knowing nothing about the situation you can just make a statement like that. What’s the thought process behind that then?
|
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"It’s quite a common thing. Communication can be really strong and they could be the one to initiate meets and stuff and then you do it and then nothing. I’m trying to help people not get to that stage where they’re being used for sex and be able to spot what someone’s intentions are before they jump into bed with people and end up feeling used.
It as obvious as what I’ve described isn’t it? Like if you don’t hear anything after it’s obvious sex was the goal and nothing else.
I have had this with nearly every guy I've met.
I notice after a great meet, I feel a little more emotional than normal. I'm wondering if this has to do with the drop in hormones, like how you get subdrop after a good bdsm impact scene?
It would be nice if the messaging carried on as it was before the meet, but it does seem to be that they put in all the effort beforehand, then can't be bothered once it's all over....only until they decide they want sex again, then start up the messaging again!
It does make me feel like I'm just being used as and when they feel like it. "
I do think it's like a sub drop yes, I get similar feelings (depending on intensity/connection with the person). I think the feeling of being used if you don't get messaged/the effort is gone after is understandable; it really doesn't take long to send a message but maybe you're (a generic you) more exciting when their balls are full.
Try and do things that take your mind off - people respond/react differently after sex and there's no point beating yourself up over it.
The fantasy of finding a man you can chat to regularly and have sex with might be difficult, you're probably best becoming a lesbian. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag.
Or he could possibly want a relationship?
I doubt that
Ok so knowing nothing about the situation you can just make a statement like that. What’s the thought process behind that then?
"
I can only base what I think on what you've told of the story |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag.
Or he could possibly want a relationship?
I doubt that
Ok so knowing nothing about the situation you can just make a statement like that. What’s the thought process behind that then?
I can only base what I think on what you've told of the story"
They met last year but she was busy starting her business so she faded him out. Now got back in touch had the date Saturday, no one was messaging each other on the Sunday then yesterday he messaged her first thing in the morning. Flat out throughout the day and then he came down again lastnight and she cooked for him. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Communication is a 2 way thing.
They've not messaged you?
Send a message, "Hi just to say how much I enjoyed the other night" a thank you without sounding like they've done you a favour.
"
Yeah and what if they ignore your messages after it?
Then you know they weren’t interested. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag.
Or he could possibly want a relationship?
I doubt that
Ok so knowing nothing about the situation you can just make a statement like that. What’s the thought process behind that then?
I can only base what I think on what you've told of the story
They met last year but she was busy starting her business so she faded him out. Now got back in touch had the date Saturday, no one was messaging each other on the Sunday then yesterday he messaged her first thing in the morning. Flat out throughout the day and then he came down again lastnight and she cooked for him. "
Has she heard from him today? |
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"It’s quite a common thing. Communication can be really strong and they could be the one to initiate meets and stuff and then you do it and then nothing. I’m trying to help people not get to that stage where they’re being used for sex and be able to spot what someone’s intentions are before they jump into bed with people and end up feeling used.
It as obvious as what I’ve described isn’t it? Like if you don’t hear anything after it’s obvious sex was the goal and nothing else.
I have had this with nearly every guy I've met.
I notice after a great meet, I feel a little more emotional than normal. I'm wondering if this has to do with the drop in hormones, like how you get subdrop after a good bdsm impact scene?
It would be nice if the messaging carried on as it was before the meet, but it does seem to be that they put in all the effort beforehand, then can't be bothered once it's all over....only until they decide they want sex again, then start up the messaging again!
It does make me feel like I'm just being used as and when they feel like it.
I do think it's like a sub drop yes, I get similar feelings (depending on intensity/connection with the person). I think the feeling of being used if you don't get messaged/the effort is gone after is understandable; it really doesn't take long to send a message but maybe you're (a generic you) more exciting when their balls are full.
Try and do things that take your mind off - people respond/react differently after sex and there's no point beating yourself up over it.
The fantasy of finding a man you can chat to regularly and have sex with might be difficult, you're probably best becoming a lesbian. "
I've been into bdsm longer than swinging, so have some fairly good techniques to deal with the drop. I just wasn't expecting it to happen with swinging.
Haha I have thought that maybe becoming a lesbian may be the only way I will find that elusive fwb, but I'm not going to give up hope just yet.
I'll give it a few more months before going down that route lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag.
Or he could possibly want a relationship?
I doubt that
Ok so knowing nothing about the situation you can just make a statement like that. What’s the thought process behind that then?
I can only base what I think on what you've told of the story
They met last year but she was busy starting her business so she faded him out. Now got back in touch had the date Saturday, no one was messaging each other on the Sunday then yesterday he messaged her first thing in the morning. Flat out throughout the day and then he came down again lastnight and she cooked for him.
Has she heard from him today?"
I haven’t seen or spoke to her today so don’t know. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Different story today. He’s been flat out messaging her, sending pics of what he’s doing in work, what he’s having for lunch. He seems keen.
I normally get them grafting up until the deed is done!
He's ramping up for another shag."
You know guys so well
Sounds like a classic case of good sex but dint like the person , can be hard to break that cycle if the sec is really good too |
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