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Overcoming jealousy
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hello, probably the daftest question to ask on a swinging site - but what strategies to people use for overcoming jealousy in open relationships? How did you agree boundaries ? Do you think aftercare is important in that kind of setting ? I didn’t use to be too bothered but recently felt completely sick about it. Not sure where it came from or how to handle it. Help!! |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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Did you feel jealous about the person who you're in an open relationship with or was it someone you met whilst in an open relationship? They're slightly different and I don't want to misread you! |
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"It’s actually all brand new but the person who I’m open with "
I have found it differs depending who you are with and how they act around others - what is in it for them, how do they treat you etc, but ultimately is something you either become comfortable with the idea or you don’t... |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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Ahhh. I think the most important thing is don't be too hard on yourself, emotions can pop to the forefront when you least expect them to. I like to think of jealousy as being an umbrella category of feelings - it could be that you're feeling neglected, uncertain, pissed off you're not getting attention, bored, upset because you've not truly come to terms with it, worried you're not enough or won't measure up. All these feelings are normal, just spend some time (write it down if you have to!) truly being honest with yourself about what it is that sparks the jealous feeling.
The next thing I'd suggest is being open to the point where you don't think you can be any more so. Do you want to know what's gone on? If not, that's fair enough, speak up. Set your boundaries. And then reset them and look at them after a meet. Are you happy with where they are? Do you want them adjusted?
I think it's important to spend some time reconnecting in whatever form that takes for you as well.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. If you're not bringing others into it, feeling jealous is fine and normal. x |
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Best way is to be open about all your feelings during an open relationship as much as you can and discuss about it. Boundaries can change, expand or shrink, if you need to change or something become disturbing you instead of making you happy, you should talk now and then again.
That’s how we do it to be honest.
In terms of jealousy, I would try to understand the root cause of it instead of labelling straight away. It might be related to a specific experience in the past and can be able overcome it what caused it in the first place.
If it is related to low self-esteem, try to read/listen the book “ethical slut“ . Name can be off putting but I find their observations helpful towards those feelings
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ahhh. I think the most important thing is don't be too hard on yourself, emotions can pop to the forefront when you least expect them to. I like to think of jealousy as being an umbrella category of feelings - it could be that you're feeling neglected, uncertain, pissed off you're not getting attention, bored, upset because you've not truly come to terms with it, worried you're not enough or won't measure up. All these feelings are normal, just spend some time (write it down if you have to!) truly being honest with yourself about what it is that sparks the jealous feeling.
The next thing I'd suggest is being open to the point where you don't think you can be any more so. Do you want to know what's gone on? If not, that's fair enough, speak up. Set your boundaries. And then reset them and look at them after a meet. Are you happy with where they are? Do you want them adjusted?
I think it's important to spend some time reconnecting in whatever form that takes for you as well.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. If you're not bringing others into it, feeling jealous is fine and normal. x"
This is exceptionally helpful thank you. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you want to, then the best route is probably exposure and debrief. As in, do something, then discuss it with your partner, process feelings, reassure each other, etc. Then do it again. Really is a two-person job though - and really, a big part of it is building trust between you to mitigate jealousy.
Think of it like this: you have a trigger in your mind, which is there to protect you. So if you want to trigger it less, you need to learn where the trigger is, and satisfy yourself that the situation doesn't actually a trigger. E.g if the trigger is that your partner doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore, you need to keep going back to those moments that trigger that emotion and then your partner needs to reassure you, work through it with you etc until you're satisfied mentally.
It isn't really about the jealousy, it's about the trust. |
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You are right that you need to agree (and stick to) clear boundaries.
Jealousy is usually based on insecurity.
For an open relationship to work you need trust and open communication with the other person.
If you aren't both on the same page or both committed to the same thing then things tend to go awry.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you want to, then the best route is probably exposure and debrief. As in, do something, then discuss it with your partner, process feelings, reassure each other, etc. Then do it again. Really is a two-person job though - and really, a big part of it is building trust between you to mitigate jealousy.
Think of it like this: you have a trigger in your mind, which is there to protect you. So if you want to trigger it less, you need to learn where the trigger is, and satisfy yourself that the situation doesn't actually a trigger. E.g if the trigger is that your partner doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore, you need to keep going back to those moments that trigger that emotion and then your partner needs to reassure you, work through it with you etc until you're satisfied mentally.
It isn't really about the jealousy, it's about the trust."
Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think if the jealousy is because it's an open relationship and having to work through it takes effort all the time then maybe it's not the type of relationship that suits you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun. "
This sets off a bunch of red flags, and honestly might be why you're struggling with jealousy in the first place.
Your partner needs to walk the journey with you - when you struggle with something, they need to be willing to wait and work with you on it. This will take time, and will definitely mean that they can't get everything they want all at once.
You need them to see that not as "control" but as being "in it together". The only way you can stop being jealous without their help is to stop caring about them. |
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"If you want to, then the best route is probably exposure and debrief. As in, do something, then discuss it with your partner, process feelings, reassure each other, etc. Then do it again. Really is a two-person job though - and really, a big part of it is building trust between you to mitigate jealousy.
Think of it like this: you have a trigger in your mind, which is there to protect you. So if you want to trigger it less, you need to learn where the trigger is, and satisfy yourself that the situation doesn't actually a trigger. E.g if the trigger is that your partner doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore, you need to keep going back to those moments that trigger that emotion and then your partner needs to reassure you, work through it with you etc until you're satisfied mentally.
It isn't really about the jealousy, it's about the trust.
Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun. "
If you are feeling upset, and being made to feel your feeling aren't important then it doesn't sound like you are both on the same page?
An open relationship should be something you both want, not something you do to make the other person happy at the expense of your own feelings .
Hope it works out for you OP. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think if the jealousy is because it's an open relationship and having to work through it takes effort all the time then maybe it's not the type of relationship that suits you "
It definitely is, I love having my own fun - so I’m not sure why on this occasion I really struggled. Aunty Flo Came to visit - day 1 is often a vulnerable day. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun.
This sets off a bunch of red flags, and honestly might be why you're struggling with jealousy in the first place.
Your partner needs to walk the journey with you - when you struggle with something, they need to be willing to wait and work with you on it. This will take time, and will definitely mean that they can't get everything they want all at once.
You need them to see that not as "control" but as being "in it together". The only way you can stop being jealous without their help is to stop caring about them."
That’s food for though. I guess I’ve not really given him a chance as ive just been too scared to. Not sure why!! Arghh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is an excellent thread. And full of some very useful comments.
Thank you OP for mentioning this incredibly important topic here, and for all of those who have so far responded here. (Bookmarking this one!) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That’s food for though. I guess I’ve not really given him a chance as ive just been too scared to. Not sure why!! Arghh. "
If it's helpful, I've always felt silly for putting off hard conversations. Always feels better once I've had them  |
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By *nique_78Woman
over a year ago
Home, somewhere in Norfolk |
"This is an excellent thread. And full of some very useful comments.
Thank you OP for mentioning this incredibly important topic here, and for all of those who have so far responded here. (Bookmarking this one!)"
Agreed, all the comments on this thread are thoughtful, respectful and informative.
 thanks. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hmmmm emotions are funny old things. Try to figure out what is triggering it - trust, deceit, feeling rejection/ neglected/ replaced
Ultimately we want each of us and our our partners to be as happy as we/they possibly can be and fill our lives with experiences and joy
Experiences outside of our bubble should enhance happiness
One way i try to look at it, is that i remind myself how special I am to the person i am seeing and that mine and their connection is unique to us.. What we have with other people does not dilute or detract from this.
My Dom usually plays with girls 20 years younger than me - I cannot change that fact or compete with them - the experiences he has with those girls he'll never have with me - But i can accept that he finds me desirable and wants to spend time with me and our experiences are also special and unique
Remember it is not a competition and you are not losing anything, but gaining through experiences - also remember you don't own the other person and they don't own you.. You both choose to spend time together
Sorry it's a bit rambly  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Hmmmm emotions are funny old things. Try to figure out what is triggering it - trust, deceit, feeling rejection/ neglected/ replaced
Ultimately we want each of us and our our partners to be as happy as we/they possibly can be and fill our lives with experiences and joy
Experiences outside of our bubble should enhance happiness
One way i try to look at it, is that i remind myself how special I am to the person i am seeing and that mine and their connection is unique to us.. What we have with other people does not dilute or detract from this.
My Dom usually plays with girls 20 years younger than me - I cannot change that fact or compete with them - the experiences he has with those girls he'll never have with me - But i can accept that he finds me desirable and wants to spend time with me and our experiences are also special and unique
Remember it is not a competition and you are not losing anything, but gaining through experiences - also remember you don't own the other person and they don't own you.. You both choose to spend time together
Sorry it's a bit rambly "
Thanks x |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
For an open relationship to work, or even one with boundaries there has to be a number of things in place - trust, respect, openness, communication and honesty are all key - but possibly the most important is *both* people being aligned in their thinking and approach.
If one person doesn't agree with an approach taken, and the other person tries to force that approach through then it will lead to resentment, insecurity and potentially the end of the relationship.
So it's important to have boundaries and limits in place that *both* agree to and more importantly adhere to - and it's as important for the person that isn't comfortable with a situation to be able to air that discomfort as it is for the other person to listen and adapt/compromise.
A good rule of thumb used by many on here is to agree to the highest boundaries either of you put forward - you can always build up from them over time, but starting from a place of discomfort will only cause anxieties and worse. Likewise people often agree that if either person wants to stop it's agreed that both do.
So I guess the key in your case OP is open and honest communication, and that means both speaking *and* listening during which you get to express your feelings and concerns and have them listened to. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"For an open relationship to work, or even one with boundaries there has to be a number of things in place - trust, respect, openness, communication and honesty are all key - but possibly the most important is *both* people being aligned in their thinking and approach.
If one person doesn't agree with an approach taken, and the other person tries to force that approach through then it will lead to resentment, insecurity and potentially the end of the relationship.
So it's important to have boundaries and limits in place that *both* agree to and more importantly adhere to - and it's as important for the person that isn't comfortable with a situation to be able to air that discomfort as it is for the other person to listen and adapt/compromise.
A good rule of thumb used by many on here is to agree to the highest boundaries either of you put forward - you can always build up from them over time, but starting from a place of discomfort will only cause anxieties and worse. Likewise people often agree that if either person wants to stop it's agreed that both do.
So I guess the key in your case OP is open and honest communication, and that means both speaking *and* listening during which you get to express your feelings and concerns and have them listened to."
Thanks so much, I have to say this has been a great discussion. What I gathering is it’s a two way thing and trial and error
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.Wow, the big question sometimes no jealousy whatsoever overtimes individual looks at her bang the green eye monster jumps out to be fair it will be different with every couple or individual you play with.
Communication is the key sometimes it's better to pass on an opportunity than upset your partner. |
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I think this thread is specifically about open relationships, which I don’t think applies to all swingers.
In other words for us, we only play as a couple. Even for hot wife, or stag vixon, or cuckqueen.... I wouldn’t call those open relationships either.
Surely open relationships are more like each person free to go off and do whatever they want, not necessarily telling their partner what’s going on. And I would imagine that could be a very very demanding lifestyle. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"OP, is it a new situation that has triggered this or is it possible you've had a wobble with your self esteem overall and it is manifesting in this way? "
It’s a new situation and it hit me when I wasn’t expecting. Aunty Flo is visiting so I dont think that helped. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think this thread is specifically about open relationships, which I don’t think applies to all swingers.
In other words for us, we only play as a couple. Even for hot wife, or stag vixon, or cuckqueen.... I wouldn’t call those open relationships either.
Surely open relationships are more like each person free to go off and do whatever they want, not necessarily telling their partner what’s going on. And I would imagine that could be a very very demanding lifestyle. "
I think it can apply to all, although I was specifically addressing the solo play stuff. I absolutely thought I’d be fine. I do it, but it hit me hard and I blew a fuse. I actually felt sick. I think from this thread the key thing is communication and lots of it! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This is an excellent thread. And full of some very useful comments.
Thank you OP for mentioning this incredibly important topic here, and for all of those who have so far responded here. (Bookmarking this one!)"
How do I bookmark this? |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
I generally don’t get jealous, but recently a boyfriend spent a whole day with a woman (sex, but also lunch and a few drinks, a movie). I was proper pissed off about it. I knew about it, but over the course of the day I became more and more wound up.
We talked about it. Seems like I’m totally fine with him fucking whoever he likes.... but “dates” not so. So I’m currently rethinking my own preference to date rather than fuck.
I think feelings shouldn’t be pushed aside but embraced, understood and then together you can work out how you need to tweak things to keep everyone happy. What I also know is things change, sometimes abruptly, so what works today might not tomorrow. So keep adjusting.
V x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I generally don’t get jealous, but recently a boyfriend spent a whole day with a woman (sex, but also lunch and a few drinks, a movie). I was proper pissed off about it. I knew about it, but over the course of the day I became more and more wound up.
We talked about it. Seems like I’m totally fine with him fucking whoever he likes.... but “dates” not so. So I’m currently rethinking my own preference to date rather than fuck.
I think feelings shouldn’t be pushed aside but embraced, understood and then together you can work out how you need to tweak things to keep everyone happy. What I also know is things change, sometimes abruptly, so what works today might not tomorrow. So keep adjusting.
V x "
That’s what happened to me, he gave me very short notice, I had my period felt stressed and over the course of the night became more wound up and freaked out. I didn’t really handle it well tbh and really pissed him off. Hopefully he’ll cool off and see I was acting from a place of emotions but we shall see. Maybe I’ve blown it, but be good to understand people’s strategies for future reference as I would like to make this lifestyle work for me. |
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"OP, is it a new situation that has triggered this or is it possible you've had a wobble with your self esteem overall and it is manifesting in this way?
It’s a new situation and it hit me when I wasn’t expecting. Aunty Flo is visiting so I dont think that helped. "
That's quite common. New situations are scary and bring new uncertainties. Of course the support of your partner can help but mostly I've found you just have to allow the situation to happen and at times sit with the discomfort in order to be able to realise on the other side that it was fine and everything is okay. Having good, healthy, rational ideas in your head helps but it isn't always easy to rationalise away initial fears with a situation that is totally new to you. If the fear doesn't go away once you're used to the new thing then it's time to take a deeper look af what is going on. I know this probably isn't necessarily the answer you wanted  . I hope you manage to find a way to overcome it that suits you though  . |
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"I think this thread is specifically about open relationships, which I don’t think applies to all swingers.
In other words for us, we only play as a couple. Even for hot wife, or stag vixon, or cuckqueen.... I wouldn’t call those open relationships either.
Surely open relationships are more like each person free to go off and do whatever they want, not necessarily telling their partner what’s going on. And I would imagine that could be a very very demanding lifestyle.
I think it can apply to all, although I was specifically addressing the solo play stuff. I absolutely thought I’d be fine. I do it, but it hit me hard and I blew a fuse. I actually felt sick. I think from this thread the key thing is communication and lots of it! "
I’d suggest solo play by one of the couple is not that common in the swinging community.
Group play, same room swaps, random orgies, if that sort of couples activity sounds more up your street then you need to make the rules clear. |
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By *issme39Woman
over a year ago
kildare |
"Best way is to be open about all your feelings during an open relationship as much as you can and discuss about it. Boundaries can change, expand or shrink, if you need to change or something become disturbing you instead of making you happy, you should talk now and then again.
That’s how we do it to be honest.
In terms of jealousy, I would try to understand the root cause of it instead of labelling straight away. It might be related to a specific experience in the past and can be able overcome it what caused it in the first place.
If it is related to low self-esteem, try to read/listen the book “ethical slut“ . Name can be off putting but I find their observations helpful towards those feelings
"
Love this  |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
"I generally don’t get jealous, but recently a boyfriend spent a whole day with a woman (sex, but also lunch and a few drinks, a movie). I was proper pissed off about it. I knew about it, but over the course of the day I became more and more wound up.
We talked about it. Seems like I’m totally fine with him fucking whoever he likes.... but “dates” not so. So I’m currently rethinking my own preference to date rather than fuck.
I think feelings shouldn’t be pushed aside but embraced, understood and then together you can work out how you need to tweak things to keep everyone happy. What I also know is things change, sometimes abruptly, so what works today might not tomorrow. So keep adjusting.
V x
That’s what happened to me, he gave me very short notice, I had my period felt stressed and over the course of the night became more wound up and freaked out. I didn’t really handle it well tbh and really pissed him off. Hopefully he’ll cool off and see I was acting from a place of emotions but we shall see. Maybe I’ve blown it, but be good to understand people’s strategies for future reference as I would like to make this lifestyle work for me. "
I just stewed rather than reacted (which is my usual behaviour - I’m not usually given to any form of outburst). So by the time we talked the next day he was a little on the back foot as I don’t think he’d cottoned on that I hadn’t enjoyed his fun day.
Hopefully you guys can get together and find a good resolution. Just remember it’s not “one size fits all”. These are complex emotions that need to be recognised.
V x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I generally don’t get jealous, but recently a boyfriend spent a whole day with a woman (sex, but also lunch and a few drinks, a movie). I was proper pissed off about it. I knew about it, but over the course of the day I became more and more wound up.
We talked about it. Seems like I’m totally fine with him fucking whoever he likes.... but “dates” not so. So I’m currently rethinking my own preference to date rather than fuck.
I think feelings shouldn’t be pushed aside but embraced, understood and then together you can work out how you need to tweak things to keep everyone happy. What I also know is things change, sometimes abruptly, so what works today might not tomorrow. So keep adjusting.
V x
That’s what happened to me, he gave me very short notice, I had my period felt stressed and over the course of the night became more wound up and freaked out. I didn’t really handle it well tbh and really pissed him off. Hopefully he’ll cool off and see I was acting from a place of emotions but we shall see. Maybe I’ve blown it, but be good to understand people’s strategies for future reference as I would like to make this lifestyle work for me.
I just stewed rather than reacted (which is my usual behaviour - I’m not usually given to any form of outburst). So by the time we talked the next day he was a little on the back foot as I don’t think he’d cottoned on that I hadn’t enjoyed his fun day.
Hopefully you guys can get together and find a good resolution. Just remember it’s not “one size fits all”. These are complex emotions that need to be recognised.
V x "
Yeah hopefully!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun.
This sets off a bunch of red flags, and honestly might be why you're struggling with jealousy in the first place.
Your partner needs to walk the journey with you - when you struggle with something, they need to be willing to wait and work with you on it. This will take time, and will definitely mean that they can't get everything they want all at once.
You need them to see that not as "control" but as being "in it together". The only way you can stop being jealous without their help is to stop caring about them."
This set off red flags with me too. Sounds like the start of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Op he's laid the groundwork so you can't say you are unhappy about the situation. If he cheats it's because you made him do it. If he makes you sad you are controlling.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bookmarking this thread as it's really informative.
I would too if I could figure out how to haha "
You can add the page as a bookmark in your browser like you would with any website. You can read the forum without being logged on too.
Or you can click the green arrow next to your name and that shows the last 35 threads you posted on. |
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Playing separately definitely raises these sorts of emotions. They are not always rational or balanced. There has been some great discussion on this thread. Thanks op for raising it.
I have found insecurity is the biggest trigger for the jealousy but that is helped by frequent discussions and making sure you spend quality time with each other. Mel, Lacy and Petite have given great advice.
If it all hurts too much after all of this then the discussion about stopping should be an option too.
Xx |
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"Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun.
This sets off a bunch of red flags, and honestly might be why you're struggling with jealousy in the first place.
Your partner needs to walk the journey with you - when you struggle with something, they need to be willing to wait and work with you on it. This will take time, and will definitely mean that they can't get everything they want all at once.
You need them to see that not as "control" but as being "in it together". The only way you can stop being jealous without their help is to stop caring about them.
This set off red flags with me too. Sounds like the start of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Op he's laid the groundwork so you can't say you are unhappy about the situation. If he cheats it's because you made him do it. If he makes you sad you are controlling.
"
It's possible you're reading too much into it. A lot of the time the barriers to communication can come from people's fears of how they will be perceived if they express their feelings. It's possible the OP is feeling she can't express herself because of her own fears or previous bad experiences rather than because of her partner but of course only she will know which it is. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun.
This sets off a bunch of red flags, and honestly might be why you're struggling with jealousy in the first place.
Your partner needs to walk the journey with you - when you struggle with something, they need to be willing to wait and work with you on it. This will take time, and will definitely mean that they can't get everything they want all at once.
You need them to see that not as "control" but as being "in it together". The only way you can stop being jealous without their help is to stop caring about them.
This set off red flags with me too. Sounds like the start of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Op he's laid the groundwork so you can't say you are unhappy about the situation. If he cheats it's because you made him do it. If he makes you sad you are controlling.
It's possible you're reading too much into it. A lot of the time the barriers to communication can come from people's fears of how they will be perceived if they express their feelings. It's possible the OP is feeling she can't express herself because of her own fears or previous bad experiences rather than because of her partner but of course only she will know which it is."
Exactly - I’m just a bit too scared to say what’s bothering me through fear of rejection I think. But ultimately I never want to feel like this again so I have to put on my big girl pants and communicate. |
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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago
Serendipity |
Jealousy is a natural emotion, you shouldn’t be hard on yourself for feeling it. Especially like you say, on day one of Aunt Flo. Irrespective of that though, you should speak to your partner about your feelings. Talking out loud might put it all into a different perspective, when thoughts are ruminating around your head, they can become amplified.
The current strange world we are in, it doesn’t help, and everything can feel different to how it would usually.
Relationships evolve, maybe you need to tweak elements of yours, by discussing where you are at now. It has to work for you both. |
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"Really Super helpful , I’ve been worried about coming off like I’m creating drama Being upset, and he hates anyone “controlling” him so I feel like I can’t say anything really because I don’t want to be controlling. It should be fun.
This sets off a bunch of red flags, and honestly might be why you're struggling with jealousy in the first place.
Your partner needs to walk the journey with you - when you struggle with something, they need to be willing to wait and work with you on it. This will take time, and will definitely mean that they can't get everything they want all at once.
You need them to see that not as "control" but as being "in it together". The only way you can stop being jealous without their help is to stop caring about them.
This set off red flags with me too. Sounds like the start of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Op he's laid the groundwork so you can't say you are unhappy about the situation. If he cheats it's because you made him do it. If he makes you sad you are controlling.
It's possible you're reading too much into it. A lot of the time the barriers to communication can come from people's fears of how they will be perceived if they express their feelings. It's possible the OP is feeling she can't express herself because of her own fears or previous bad experiences rather than because of her partner but of course only she will know which it is.
Exactly - I’m just a bit too scared to say what’s bothering me through fear of rejection I think. But ultimately I never want to feel like this again so I have to put on my big girl pants and communicate. "
Big hugs! You got this! Remember it has to come out eventually and it's better now than when you've been stewing on it for ages and building resentment. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx"
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx"
Message me, i can very much relate. Need to have a brain fart about it!  |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx"
Hey good news. I hope you find a place where you both get what you want and need. And it’s ok that it can be fluid... checking in on decisions you’d made regularly is good practice. No one wants to know they can’t change their mind.
V x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too? "
He was, he was respectful. Tbh it was me who was not respectful - I just panicked and lost it and didn’t communicate to him, Lesson learnt. He was open to hearing where my head was at, and we have set some boundaries which we’ll just check in again on in a bit. Still feel so nervous for next time, but I am so determined to make this lifestyle work for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ahhh. I think the most important thing is don't be too hard on yourself, emotions can pop to the forefront when you least expect them to. I like to think of jealousy as being an umbrella category of feelings - it could be that you're feeling neglected, uncertain, pissed off you're not getting attention, bored, upset because you've not truly come to terms with it, worried you're not enough or won't measure up. All these feelings are normal, just spend some time (write it down if you have to!) truly being honest with yourself about what it is that sparks the jealous feeling.
The next thing I'd suggest is being open to the point where you don't think you can be any more so. Do you want to know what's gone on? If not, that's fair enough, speak up. Set your boundaries. And then reset them and look at them after a meet. Are you happy with where they are? Do you want them adjusted?
I think it's important to spend some time reconnecting in whatever form that takes for you as well.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. If you're not bringing others into it, feeling jealous is fine and normal. x"
This is an extremely helpful comment. As ready as you think you can be this feeling can always crop up. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too?
He was, he was respectful. Tbh it was me who was not respectful - I just panicked and lost it and didn’t communicate to him, Lesson learnt. He was open to hearing where my head was at, and we have set some boundaries which we’ll just check in again on in a bit. Still feel so nervous for next time, but I am so determined to make this lifestyle work for me. "
Something that has worked for me in the past as I never live with guys - if in a serious relationship have found that writing a weekly diary entry and emailing it has helped work through any good or bad experiences. I found writing it down and then reading it again before I send it helps to be honest about growing together. They can then reply and it gives a place for you to re-visit ground rules, whether you are spending enough time together, aspects of play that worked or didn’t and suggestions for the future. We did this as Sub/Dom but I think it could be useful for your situation as it can be hard to find time to address issues and sometimes doing it face to face can mean you pull back from being honest as you don’t want to hurt them. Good that you recognised a problem and haven’t stewed over it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too?
He was, he was respectful. Tbh it was me who was not respectful - I just panicked and lost it and didn’t communicate to him, Lesson learnt. He was open to hearing where my head was at, and we have set some boundaries which we’ll just check in again on in a bit. Still feel so nervous for next time, but I am so determined to make this lifestyle work for me. "
Out of curiosity...why? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too?
He was, he was respectful. Tbh it was me who was not respectful - I just panicked and lost it and didn’t communicate to him, Lesson learnt. He was open to hearing where my head was at, and we have set some boundaries which we’ll just check in again on in a bit. Still feel so nervous for next time, but I am so determined to make this lifestyle work for me.
Out of curiosity...why?"
Honestly ? Because I lived vanilla for a long time and always grew resentful. Specifically around sex and openness - when I discovered this lifestyle as a single girl I vowed for me personally it would work better / knowing I could be connected to someone but also be open sexually - I want my cake and to eat it too, I need to Learn someone else might want that too. I personally believe companionships exists, but Monogamy for me - does not. Hope this makes sense. I also - enjoy challenging myself - and feel I should challenge what I’ve been brought up to believe. Xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too?
He was, he was respectful. Tbh it was me who was not respectful - I just panicked and lost it and didn’t communicate to him, Lesson learnt. He was open to hearing where my head was at, and we have set some boundaries which we’ll just check in again on in a bit. Still feel so nervous for next time, but I am so determined to make this lifestyle work for me.
Out of curiosity...why?
Honestly ? Because I lived vanilla for a long time and always grew resentful. Specifically around sex and openness - when I discovered this lifestyle as a single girl I vowed for me personally it would work better / knowing I could be connected to someone but also be open sexually - I want my cake and to eat it too, I need to Learn someone else might want that too. I personally believe companionships exists, but Monogamy for me - does not. Hope this makes sense. I also - enjoy challenging myself - and feel I should challenge what I’ve been brought up to believe. Xxx"
At what cost though? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too?
He was, he was respectful. Tbh it was me who was not respectful - I just panicked and lost it and didn’t communicate to him, Lesson learnt. He was open to hearing where my head was at, and we have set some boundaries which we’ll just check in again on in a bit. Still feel so nervous for next time, but I am so determined to make this lifestyle work for me.
Out of curiosity...why?
Honestly ? Because I lived vanilla for a long time and always grew resentful. Specifically around sex and openness - when I discovered this lifestyle as a single girl I vowed for me personally it would work better / knowing I could be connected to someone but also be open sexually - I want my cake and to eat it too, I need to Learn someone else might want that too. I personally believe companionships exists, but Monogamy for me - does not. Hope this makes sense. I also - enjoy challenging myself - and feel I should challenge what I’ve been brought up to believe. Xxx
At what cost though? "
No cost? I think it’s enriching ??? |
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"Thought I’d update! I’m still struggling with it, but we talked about it and popped some boundaries in with trial and error. So we can check in again after we’ve gone through it. Massive learning curve for me not to fly off the handle and actually give him a bit more respect! I didn’t really handle it well. Thanks so much for all the advice !!!! Was amazing and so helpful. Keep it coming! Xx
Is he respectful of your wishes and feelings too?
He was, he was respectful. Tbh it was me who was not respectful - I just panicked and lost it and didn’t communicate to him, Lesson learnt. He was open to hearing where my head was at, and we have set some boundaries which we’ll just check in again on in a bit. Still feel so nervous for next time, but I am so determined to make this lifestyle work for me.
Out of curiosity...why?
Honestly ? Because I lived vanilla for a long time and always grew resentful. Specifically around sex and openness - when I discovered this lifestyle as a single girl I vowed for me personally it would work better / knowing I could be connected to someone but also be open sexually - I want my cake and to eat it too, I need to Learn someone else might want that too. I personally believe companionships exists, but Monogamy for me - does not. Hope this makes sense. I also - enjoy challenging myself - and feel I should challenge what I’ve been brought up to believe. Xxx
At what cost though? "
For people like myself, less cost than monogamy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We have just started listening to Bedhoppers podcast (they have a profile on here), they discuss their journey in depth and jealousy is one of the subjects, well worth a listen"
Oh I’ve just seen this comment - I’ll definitely check this out |
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We ensure we've had a good, passionate loving snog before any action or potential action. Immediately reaffirms the connection, and puts us both in the mood at the same time. Once the sexual juices are flowing, that helps eliminate any jealousy building.
What works for us, might not work for others, but we enjoy it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We ensure we've had a good, passionate loving snog before any action or potential action. Immediately reaffirms the connection, and puts us both in the mood at the same time. Once the sexual juices are flowing, that helps eliminate any jealousy building.
What works for us, might not work for others, but we enjoy it."
That’s an interesting strategy !!! Might suggest this x x x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just also want to say how helpful this thread is, thank you to those who have commented.
Feeling a bit of what I think is jealousy with one of my fwb, but not the other.. weird. |
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