FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > I don’t understand the appeal of BDSM
I don’t understand the appeal of BDSM
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By *an.this OP Man
over a year ago
Torbay & Bournemouth |
I have never tried BDSM so I’m interested one other’s opinions on it. It just looks really uncomfortable, painful, humiliating and not very nice for either party !I know that’s the idea I just don’t know or understand why anyone would want to have it done to them. Maybe I have been missing out all these years can anyone help me understand what the appeal is ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This may sound abrupt and short.. Its not its intention... But you don't need to understand it. It doesn't seem to appeal to you. Would gaining a understanding want you to try it? I'd venture probably not. All bdsm covers a huge range of practises.. Right across the spectrum from mild to wild.. I'd venture you've at least considered somme of them
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By *inkySeeKinkyDoWoman
over a year ago
'tween PontyCarlo & CasVegas in West Yorks |
"I have never tried BDSM so I’m interested one other’s opinions on it. It just looks really uncomfortable, painful, humiliating and not very nice for either party !I know that’s the idea I just don’t know or understand why anyone would want to have it done to them. Maybe I have been missing out all these years can anyone help me understand what the appeal is ? "
'IT' can be lots of things ranging from those fluffy handcuffs attached to your headboard and some light teasing to full on straightjacket hooded hardcore whipping frenzy 
Pushing someones boundaries can be extremely exciting, having them pushed can be erotically intense. |
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By *an.this OP Man
over a year ago
Torbay & Bournemouth |
Thank you I’m curious have you tried it ? I’m not sure !! Like the submissive part I have heard people who normally have high profile jobs who are in control with stressful job every day that they just want the opposite and be dominated !! I just don’t think I’d like the pleasure pain part that doesn’t appeal at all. How about you guys ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This may sound abrupt and short.. Its not its intention... But you don't need to understand it. It doesn't seem to appeal to you. Would gaining a understanding want you to try it? I'd venture probably not. All bdsm covers a huge range of practises.. Right across the spectrum from mild to wild.. I'd venture you've at least considered somme of them
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How would you know if you like it or not ! it’s not as if you just walk into a S&M dungeon and try it or do you? "
Try to use the "reply +quote" button so people know who you're responding to  |
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By *inkySeeKinkyDoWoman
over a year ago
'tween PontyCarlo & CasVegas in West Yorks |
"Thank you I’m curious have you tried it ? I’m not sure !! Like the submissive part I have heard people who normally have high profile jobs who are in control with stressful job every day that they just want the opposite and be dominated !! I just don’t think I’d like the pleasure pain part that doesn’t appeal at all. How about you guys ?"
Imagine giving someone all your trust and letting them fully take charge of you, how much of a relief that could be |
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"How would you know if you like it or not ! it’s not as if you just walk into a S&M dungeon and try it or do you? "
Worse thing about it is if you are subjected to it when you are not into it it and have said you are not into it. Yes in hindsight I should have contacted the Police! |
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You sound curious OP, I'd advise that you do some google research into the different layers of bdsm of which there are many, and see what sounds interesting. There are also many bdsm threads on here to read opinions on different practices
Kink curious journey's are enlightening  |
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Pain and humiliation are turn ons for me. It won't be for others and its okay not to get it. I personally see no appeal in dogging, anonymous sex, gang bangs or things like fisting or DVP but I know other people do like those things and that's okay. It would be boring if we were all the same. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Pain and humiliation are turn ons for me. It won't be for others and its okay not to get it. I personally see no appeal in dogging, anonymous sex, gang bangs or things like fisting or DVP but I know other people do like those things and that's okay. It would be boring if we were all the same. "
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
"Pain and humiliation are turn ons for me. It won't be for others and its okay not to get it. I personally see no appeal in dogging, anonymous sex, gang bangs or things like fisting or DVP but I know other people do like those things and that's okay. It would be boring if we were all the same. "
Yes, agreed.
All people really need to understand about bdsm is people can like what they like, and if it’s consensual, legal but not for you, don’t pass judgement. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As said above you don’t need to understand it. All practices are not meant for all but there are so many different types of bdsm. I dont react well to humiliation. But I love just letting someone take control and the feeling I get during a good flogging session is immense. There are so many types of dominant too. I favour a dominant who will break me down but build me back up. |
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By *latinumkittenWoman
over a year ago
from Home Counties to Middle Earth |
"I have never tried BDSM so I’m interested one other’s opinions on it. It just looks really uncomfortable, painful, humiliating and not very nice for either party !I know that’s the idea I just don’t know or understand why anyone would want to have it done to them. Maybe I have been missing out all these years can anyone help me understand what the appeal is ? "
I didn't used to get it either OP, mainly down to me having complete misunderstandings, as well as not appreciating the vast non-linear spectrum this acronym beholds.
I don't engage in anything I consider uncomfortable or humiliating, yet there's absolutely no doubting I love being in scenes some would consider 'out there'. I think sometimes labels don't help. Enjoy what you enjoy; grab opportunities to explore things that intruige you; Be happy |
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"I have never tried BDSM so I’m interested one other’s opinions on it. It just looks really uncomfortable, painful, humiliating and not very nice for either party !I know that’s the idea I just don’t know or understand why anyone would want to have it done to them. Maybe I have been missing out all these years can anyone help me understand what the appeal is ? "
As you've said to you it looks really uncomfortable, painful etc. And if that's how you feel you probably aren't missing out on anything. Just because lots of people do love it doesn't mean you should.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't be into any sort of humiliation OP, that I wouldn't get any pleasure from. But a little pain from spanking, or paddling, or biting, scratching or whatever, I find can heighten my pleasure and the giving up control aspect, allowing myself to be tied etc and at the mercy or the woman doing the tieing, that definitely heightens my pleasure as well.
As long as you fully trust the other person then you can relax in the knowledge that it will only go as far as you're comfortable with. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
BDSM is misunderstood and misrepresented by so many things. But it is a lifestyle or set of activities that you either find interesting or not.
Ifs not all about pain; not all submissives are masochists and not all masochists are submissive.
Not all dominants are sadists and not all sadists are dominants.
We play at varying levels, one of which is “sensual sadism”. This can vary from soft stroking motions, massages, light scratching through to tickle torture.
Its not all about rough sex regardless of the amount if kink.com porn you watch. I have spent countless hours in D/s scenes and living a D/s life 24/7 and sex has not been a primary focus.
The principle common components you will find are elements of power exchange, communication, consent and negotiation; whether that be topping or bottoming in a scene or entering into a D/s dynamic.
Yes there is the cliche that people who have a lot of responsibility in their life, want to have that responsibility stripped from them and so want to adopt the submissive role, but thats not always the case.
Your introduction to the scene could be bottom spankings and handcuffs in the bedroom, which may lead to other interests. It could be that you find leather or rubber appealing and so want to investigate that scene. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife often teases me in bec with restraing me etc. I call her bluff an say we could go somewhere and learn but she backs down.
Shame because I would trust her and I beleive it may heighten her sexual desire. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have never tried BDSM so I’m interested one other’s opinions on it. It just looks really uncomfortable, painful, humiliating and not very nice for either party !I know that’s the idea I just don’t know or understand why anyone would want to have it done to them. Maybe I have been missing out all these years can anyone help me understand what the appeal is ? "
Its a good question.
For me personally its something that evolved over time with different partners.
As stated earlier it is misunderstood and there are so many levels of it.
What I find and is most important to me is that it encourages discussion. I am completely open with my subs (partners) and expect and encourage them to be the same with me. I have had more honest, better and stronger relationships because of this.
The physical aspect does not need to be as you describe. There are those who take it to an extreme but for many it is not uncomfortable, painful or humiliating. It is liberating and loving.
I did notunderstand it before I discovered it. I thought all doms were massochistic bullies but that couldnt be any further from the truth.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The appeal to me is that it opens up a whole range of play both inside and outside the bedroom and only a small portion of that involves pain or humiliation. It’s about the pleasures of exploring each other’s bodies and building trust with each other. It’s about bonding as well as bondage |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"BDSM is misunderstood and misrepresented by so many things. But it is a lifestyle or set of activities that you either find interesting or not.
Ifs not all about pain; not all submissives are masochists and not all masochists are submissive.
Not all dominants are sadists and not all sadists are dominants.
We play at varying levels, one of which is “sensual sadism”. This can vary from soft stroking motions, massages, light scratching through to tickle torture.
Its not all about rough sex regardless of the amount if kink.com porn you watch. I have spent countless hours in D/s scenes and living a D/s life 24/7 and sex has not been a primary focus.
The principle common components you will find are elements of power exchange, communication, consent and negotiation; whether that be topping or bottoming in a scene or entering into a D/s dynamic.
Yes there is the cliche that people who have a lot of responsibility in their life, want to have that responsibility stripped from them and so want to adopt the submissive role, but thats not always the case.
Your introduction to the scene could be bottom spankings and handcuffs in the bedroom, which may lead to other interests. It could be that you find leather or rubber appealing and so want to investigate that scene."
This has just saved me a lot of typing - sums it up perfectly
It's perfectly ok not to "get" it OP just don't think of it as the stereotyped "pathetic little worm, whips and chains" thing the media/porn often presents it to be - it's nothing like that at all and a lot deeper and multi-layered. |
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I’m very much on the lower end of the spectrum here. Nothing hardcore. love control role play.. I.e. the female being handcuffed during detective interview. Did it obce with a femal whose hubby played the second detective and interviewed her about her cheating .. lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I wouldn't be into any sort of humiliation OP, that I wouldn't get any pleasure from. But a little pain from spanking, or paddling, or biting, scratching or whatever, I find can heighten my pleasure and the giving up control aspect, allowing myself to be tied etc and at the mercy or the woman doing the tieing, that definitely heightens my pleasure as well.
As long as you fully trust the other person then you can relax in the knowledge that it will only go as far as you're comfortable with."
I echo this.
I like a bit of pain, certain types of restraints interest me and a few other things. I'm the very mild end of the spectrum, there's a lot I could never consider doing and just finding out about terrifies me but I know that's okay because I don't have to go there. Read, explore, see what you think of what you discover. You may find something you like, you may not. That's okay. |
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"I have never tried BDSM so I’m interested one other’s opinions on it. It just looks really uncomfortable, painful, humiliating and not very nice for either party !I know that’s the idea I just don’t know or understand why anyone would want to have it done to them. Maybe I have been missing out all these years can anyone help me understand what the appeal is ? "
The appeal sexually is just the same as the appeal of any other sexual preference. So if you assume that people who enjoy the sexual side of bdsm get the same as you get from whatever you enjoy.
Not all bdsm involves sex though.
If you genuinely want to try and understand read a non fiction book or two on the subject. You could start with "Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It was a complete revelation to me.. Previously I'd been a pure vanilla girl, likely to fuck you within the first hour of saying hi haha
I tried to shy away from the toe-curling depth and intensity of conversations, with cheeks hot + flushed from embarrassment... But these are deep and lasting connections, not to be rushed, which i appreciate now
The initial seed of an idea discussed, planted, nurtured, brought to fruition... The trial and experiment ... "How did that feel" , "what about this ?" "Good girl, next time we'll try..." Or "no baby, not yet"
The revelation of informed consent.. And meeting such disciplined people who are completely in control of themselves and their actions... The challenge and then acceptance that i cannot manipulate the situation or them... The shock and security that once your safe word is deployed, everything stops. I've never experienced anything like it previously.
Also, I have never in my life ever been submissive... But its like wow.. You are my match, you understand me, know my triggers, know my desires... Somehow you know my limits... I can step down from being in charge of me, trust you and relax and give you the power to create.. .
Every conversation is a discovery, every meet part of a journey
No vanilla relationship has ever come close to what i have now.. I'm hooked for life.. But connection is everything |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"BDSM is misunderstood and misrepresented by so many things. But it is a lifestyle or set of activities that you either find interesting or not.
Ifs not all about pain; not all submissives are masochists and not all masochists are submissive.
Not all dominants are sadists and not all sadists are dominants.
We play at varying levels, one of which is “sensual sadism”. This can vary from soft stroking motions, massages, light scratching through to tickle torture.
Its not all about rough sex regardless of the amount if kink.com porn you watch. I have spent countless hours in D/s scenes and living a D/s life 24/7 and sex has not been a primary focus.
The principle common components you will find are elements of power exchange, communication, consent and negotiation; whether that be topping or bottoming in a scene or entering into a D/s dynamic.
Yes there is the cliche that people who have a lot of responsibility in their life, want to have that responsibility stripped from them and so want to adopt the submissive role, but thats not always the case.
Your introduction to the scene could be bottom spankings and handcuffs in the bedroom, which may lead to other interests. It could be that you find leather or rubber appealing and so want to investigate that scene.
This has just saved me a lot of typing - sums it up perfectly
It's perfectly ok not to "get" it OP just don't think of it as the stereotyped "pathetic little worm, whips and chains" thing the media/porn often presents it to be - it's nothing like that at all and a lot deeper and multi-layered."
All of this.
It's perfectly acceptable for you to also only get bits of it, some people I know are only into bondage, no pain, no control etc just the art of being restrained (and a whole lot of bondage can actually be super comfortable)
I'm a sadomasochist but I'm not submissive and I'm occasionally dominant but only with certain people.
So even those of us who are really into BDSM have fluidity in our likes and dislikes. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
The appeal sexually is just the same as the appeal of any other sexual preference. So if you assume that people who enjoy the sexual side of bdsm get the same as you get from whatever you enjoy.
"
Nail on the head there - BDSM is often seen as somehow "different" or "weird" by those that don't have any awareness or knowledge of it beyond the stereotyped portrayal - yet it is no different from any other preference we each hold whether it be sexual or otherwise.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You don't need to understand it.
There are quite a few kinks I don't understand or like, I simply don't indulge.
For me, I enjoy pain. A well placed spank can make me cum. I am a masochist. I'm also a bit of a sadist and take pleasure in toying with others (with their consent).
BDSM can provide a hugely intense connection, release and so much fun and enjoyment for those who are into it.
It's not for everyone.
If it's not for you, just dont bother with it.
But believe me when I say, pain is a very tiny part of it for most people, many aren't into pain at all. So don't assume when it comes to something you know nothing about.
Lu  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You don't need to understand it.
There are quite a few kinks I don't understand or like, I simply don't indulge.
For me, I enjoy pain. A well placed spank can make me cum. I am a masochist. I'm also a bit of a sadist and take pleasure in toying with others (with their consent).
BDSM can provide a hugely intense connection, release and so much fun and enjoyment for those who are into it.
It's not for everyone.
If it's not for you, just dont bother with it.
But believe me when I say, pain is a very tiny part of it for most people, many aren't into pain at all. So don't assume when it comes to something you know nothing about.
Lu "
Oh and humiliating? it isn't for me. I'm not about being degraded. Some people enjoy that...so it has a positive effect for them. |
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BDSM isn't for everyone, And perhaps OP just isn't into it and never will be.
The husband of one of my partners couldn't really understand why she would want me to hurt her (flogging, spanking) but one day at a kink venue he watched and came away at least satisfied that she really enjoyed it because he saw the pleasure in her eyes. It's still not something he has any interest in but it helped him understand.
It's always worth remembering that people do BDSM in different ways. For example I'll never be involved in humiliation scenes as I find they turn me off. On the other hand I've been flogged until I bled and have paddled a sub's boobs until they were black and blue.
There's also usually an intense mental and emotional side to it. Putting trust in each other, the top observing every reaction of the bottom and not only getting off on it but ensuring what they're doing is what the bottom needs/wants. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
I have said it before but my current analogy, (I am sure there are many others), when trying to explain BDSM in a simple way is to think of it as a car journey with the Dominant/Top being the driver and the submissive/bottom being the passenger.
The passenger gives up control in that they have no direct influence on the route, the speed, number rest stops etc. in the journey.
The passenger can indirectly influence these items such as asking for rest breaks or expressing a desire to explore the areas the journey takes them through, however it is the driver that is ultimately in control of all aspects of the journey.
The passenger trusts that the driver knows what they are doing with regards to getting from point A to B.
If the driver is reckless or a dangerous driver, then the passenger can revoke their consent and leave at the first opportunity and never journey with them again.
If the driver takes too much direction from the passenger, then the driver is not in control of the journey and so this is considered gooping from the bottom and not a true reflection of a D/s dynamic.
So if the car ride forms the basis of a BDSM dynamic, what separates all the different activities, likes, limits and boundaries are elements such as
What car are you driving - a muscle car or a family van
How fast are you going - break neck or slow and steady
What music is on the radio - hardcore house, metal, folk, jazz or classical
Do you take detours and explore or go straight to your destination
The number of people in the car - private v public play
The confidence of the driver - are they a new driver or have they been driving for some time
You may not even go on a journey together, but through shared interests have the petrol head conversations
As for roles;
Switches change it up and like driving and being driven at times.
Brats can GTF and be chained in the boot
Littles/middles get to sit in the back seat
Pet players can either sit with their head out the window or in the cage in the boot
Anyway, as others have said if its your bag and it interests you great, if not its still great.
The only time its not great is if you want to use it as an excuse to be a dick and abuse people.
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"I have said it before but my current analogy, (I am sure there are many others), when trying to explain BDSM in a simple way is to think of it as a car journey
snip"
Oh no, I'm sorry but I really don't like that analogy, I get where you're trying to go with it (see what I did there) but I just don't feel like that covers it well enough, especially when BDSM is such a big catchall. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
The thing is there is no general definition of BDSM - it can be so many different things to so many different people - and takes in a very broad spectrum from the occasional spanking to 24/7 ownership and very extreme elements.
The only *true* definition is that agreed between two (or more) people from a position of informed consent.
Yes there are various underlying principles and commonalities but the diversity of each dynamic is vast and varied. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a meet with another female who was a dominatrix. That was not the reason for meeting her, we just clicked. During our time together we started discussing spanking. Surprisingly the conversation turned me on and she proceeded to give me a demonstration. One of my most erotic experiences ever and certainly something I’d like to explore more with someone who knows what they are doing.
Miss V
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
There is nothing wrong with someone asking a question from genuine enquiry and without an agenda. Therefore I think there is no reason not to help if one is so inclined.
A lot of good comments have been made already, I would add that for some of us it is simply what we are. Some people find themselves in the role play, some love just to peel away convention, and for others it is just as natural as inhabiting their skin but sometimes it is struggle to get there. But once there it is so comfortable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It was a complete revelation to me.. Previously I'd been a pure vanilla girl, likely to fuck you within the first hour of saying hi haha
I tried to shy away from the toe-curling depth and intensity of conversations, with cheeks hot + flushed from embarrassment... But these are deep and lasting connections, not to be rushed, which i appreciate now
The initial seed of an idea discussed, planted, nurtured, brought to fruition... The trial and experiment ... "How did that feel" , "what about this ?" "Good girl, next time we'll try..." Or "no baby, not yet"
The revelation of informed consent.. And meeting such disciplined people who are completely in control of themselves and their actions... The challenge and then acceptance that i cannot manipulate the situation or them... The shock and security that once your safe word is deployed, everything stops. I've never experienced anything like it previously.
Also, I have never in my life ever been submissive... But its like wow.. You are my match, you understand me, know my triggers, know my desires... Somehow you know my limits... I can step down from being in charge of me, trust you and relax and give you the power to create.. .
Every conversation is a discovery, every meet part of a journey
No vanilla relationship has ever come close to what i have now.. I'm hooked for life.. But connection is everything"
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
The connection, the trust, the bond, and the huge relief of feeling safe and allowing myself to let go and trust.
HC |
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"Pain and humiliation are turn ons for me. It won't be for others and its okay not to get it. I personally see no appeal in dogging, anonymous sex, gang bangs or things like fisting or DVP but I know other people do like those things and that's okay. It would be boring if we were all the same. "
For me, the pain is about making the body, or parts of it more sensitive, so that you can increase the sensation..... Doing if gradually, as the other person responds, comes with practice, experience and trust. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Thank you everyone for all your replies !! This has definitely given me something to think about over the next few weeks. So many of you have completely different points of view on the subject !! I suppose it’s different for everyone & as so many of you have previously said, I didn’t realise there are so many different layers to this & naively thought it was either domination, humiliation or pain.
So I’d like to thank you to everyone who has taken the time to responded back to my thread about BDSM especially the very detailed ones I received from Fetcpl & Midnight Fetish, that after reading your opinions I am now fairly confident I’m going to at least give it a go start of gently and go from there, Normally I will always try anything at least once, as the saying goes if you don’t give it a go you will never no. Thanks again Dan   "
Glad you've found it useful and it's given you something to think about but one word of caution - know you've said you'll "start off gently" please don't think of it as "giving it a go" in the respect of simply either finding a submissive or giving yourself to a dominant (you've not said which side you think you might sit) - especially given your initial post 24 hours ago suggested you were completely against the idea.
Before even considering "playing", take some time to really think about what BDSM might mean to you, what sort of dominant/submissive you think you'd be, where you think you'd sit on the broad spectrum it makes up, what your limits and boundaries would be and so much more besides - seek out books and blogs on the subject, and complete some of the very useful on-line questionnaires to help with that.
Get as informed and knowledgeable as you can - without that it can lead to some very dangerous places for both yourself and anyone you might meet.
Of course everyone has to start somewhere and there's nothing wrong with some light experimentation with a willing and equally informed partner with whom you've discussed things beforehand but tread very carefully. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you everyone for all your replies !! This has definitely given me something to think about over the next few weeks. So many of you have completely different points of view on the subject !! I suppose it’s different for everyone & as so many of you have previously said, I didn’t realise there are so many different layers to this & naively thought it was either domination, humiliation or pain.
So I’d like to thank you to everyone who has taken the time to responded back to my thread about BDSM especially the very detailed ones I received from Fetcpl & Midnight Fetish, that after reading your opinions I am now fairly confident I’m going to at least give it a go start of gently and go from there, Normally I will always try anything at least once, as the saying goes if you don’t give it a go you will never no. Thanks again Dan
Glad you've found it useful and it's given you something to think about but one word of caution - know you've said you'll "start off gently" please don't think of it as "giving it a go" in the respect of simply either finding a submissive or giving yourself to a dominant (you've not said which side you think you might sit) - especially given your initial post 24 hours ago suggested you were completely against the idea.
Before even considering "playing", take some time to really think about what BDSM might mean to you, what sort of dominant/submissive you think you'd be, where you think you'd sit on the broad spectrum it makes up, what your limits and boundaries would be and so much more besides - seek out books and blogs on the subject, and complete some of the very useful on-line questionnaires to help with that.
Get as informed and knowledgeable as you can - without that it can lead to some very dangerous places for both yourself and anyone you might meet.
Of course everyone has to start somewhere and there's nothing wrong with some light experimentation with a willing and equally informed partner with whom you've discussed things beforehand but tread very carefully."
100%... My eyes flew open in alarm! |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
Ok here we go - I am some photos of me that suggest I am sub, there are photos of me when in more Dom mood
I am a switch depending on the other person really. I have some swinging friends who I am more sub for and others who I am more Dom
Yes Whip, spank and whip others and yes I receive it when I am in the mood. Though it’s not to everyone and I get off if I know the other person is getting off on it  |
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