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Am I being an arsehole by texting others in a sexless marriage
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So I’ve been married for 10 years and over the last few years sex has become less and less so I’ve recently been on this site and messaging other men or woman and getting my kicks at I being an arsehole by doing this? |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
I question why you need verification from others over your actions. Will you stop if you get crucified for it? Unlikely.
At the end of the day you have to make your own choices. Although I do wonder how happy you'd be if the shoe was on the other foot  |
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Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with. "
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill? |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?"
Spit it out now!!! |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?"
He's being wise today  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?
Spit it out now!!! "
 |
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"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?
Spit it out now!!! "
Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’  |
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"So I’ve been married for 10 years and over the last few years sex has become less and less so I’ve recently been on this site and messaging other men or woman and getting my kicks at I being an arsehole by doing this? "
Only you can decide if you are being an arsehole or not same as it’s other people’s choice whether they interact with you or not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Honest opinion OP, address the situation between you and the wife before it eats away and destroys your marriage. Texting might be a distraction but its not the solution, IMHO |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?
Spit it out now!!!
Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’ "
Am I the only one who read that as a wanking? |
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By *edeWoman
over a year ago
the abyss |
"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?
Spit it out now!!!
Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’
Am I the only one who read that as a wanking? "
Definitely not! I was about to offer to help  |
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"Sometimes I do cause obviously it’s not fair, but we all have needs and everyone likes the attention of others it’s human nature. "
We do all have needs. Everyone's situation is unique to them. It only matters how you see things. Sometimes things aren't black and white...well Not for me anyway. |
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"So I’ve been married for 10 years and over the last few years sex has become less and less so I’ve recently been on this site and messaging other men or woman and getting my kicks at I being an arsehole by doing this? "
Yes. |
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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago
In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon |
"Don’t worry OP. You will never please everyone on here. Utilise the site how you feel fit. This will naturally filter out those who you aren’t compatible with leaving you with those you can chat and interact with.
Jesus have you swallowed a sensible pill?
Spit it out now!!!
Let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany tonight, or some would say an ‘awakening’
Am I the only one who read that as a wanking?
Definitely not! I was about to offer to help "
I may have done that before I read it properly  |
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Tops & bottoms of it in my opinion yes you are being a arsehole? For whatever reasons your marriage is sex less if you are messaging others behind her back or without her consent then for me it's the wrong way to go about things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sometimes I do cause obviously it’s not fair, but we all have needs and everyone likes the attention of others it’s human nature.
We do all have needs. Everyone's situation is unique to them. It only matters how you see things. Sometimes things aren't black and white...well Not for me anyway."
^^This^^  |
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"Do what feels right.
Not really any different from watching porn behind her back? I wonder how many do that and think it's okay? "
There’s a big difference between watching porn and messaging men/women in a sexual way.. |
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By *ushy 99Man
over a year ago
somewhere nearby |
Its your life.. depends intirely on how you feel about your wife and what you would do if she found out.. some wont like it but others may not care..
Whatever you decide is right for you just be sure to stay fab! |
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By *am450Man
over a year ago
North Kent/Greater London |
"I’ve had conversations with her about it and doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference. I’m a sexual person and I like the attention "
If you wife found out do you hope in some way it might trigger the conversation you want to have but can't because your wife avoids it?? |
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By *hav02Man
over a year ago
Glasgow/London |
If we all said you're being an arsehole, would you do anything different?
It's your choice OP, and you're the only one who will have to deal with consequences if the milk turns sour.
But how would you feel if you found your wife was on here or she was doing a similar thing behind your back? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Honestly, if you aren't happy in the bedroom of your marriage, I'm pretty sure things aren't right in the livingroom either.
"
I disagree. I know plenty of people where all else in the marriage is fine but the sex has dwindled. Hence the reason they stay. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do what feels right.
Not really any different from watching porn behind her back? I wonder how many do that and think it's okay? There’s a big difference between watching porn and messaging men/women in a sexual way.."
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Difficult one but the marriage is sexless for a reason. I know a guy who as been in this position for years and envys our lifestyle. He cheats he lies and is a complete fantasist and tells me 24/7 hes not happy yet finds every excuse in the book why he cant leave her. My answer is yes I think hes an ass hole more so for staying with someone hes not happy with |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do what feels right.
Not really any different from watching porn behind her back? I wonder how many do that and think it's okay?
There’s a big difference between watching porn and messaging men/women in a sexual way.."
Interesting view. |
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Sometimes taking the easy way to a temporary solution to relationship problems is more attractive than the difficult and potentially hurtful way to sort things out and come to some sort of resolution.
Are you happy with how things are, do either of you have the appetite to hear the things that you'd both need to say to sort this out? |
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Personally as a man I wouldn't go behind her back honesty is the best policy. Talk and be honest. lies hurt and if kids are involved that's even worse that's my opinion. dont be in something your not happy in and if there no movement is talking then your not ment to be. There has to be compromise that's how relationships work.not on lies and deceit  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So basically you're saying your wife has gone off sex and you wouldn't be on here if she hadn't ?
It also says you're Bi - curious on your profile does your wife know this aswell ?
Asking complete strangers for justification for your actions on a swingers site won't find the answers you're looking for imho.
Secrets in any relationship are unhealthy and rarely end well leading a double life is difficult. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Personally as a man I wouldn't go behind her back honesty is the best policy. Talk and be honest. lies hurt and if kids are involved that's even worse that's my opinion. dont be in something your not happy in and if there no movement is talking then your not ment to be. There has to be compromise that's how relationships work.not on lies and deceit "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I’ve been married for 10 years and over the last few years sex has become less and less so I’ve recently been on this site and messaging other men or woman and getting my kicks at I being an arsehole by doing this? "
It's easy for other to judge you, not knowing the complexity of your relationship or the people involved
I also know how it feels to be in a union where sex is an issue
Having come out the other side, I would advise you to talk, talk and talk some more
You may have more common ground than you think
You may have more to work on than you think
You may realise you are both unhappy and are maintaining the status quo to spare the feelings of the other person
Either way, what you are doing now is destructive - to both your mental health and your marriage
You have the power to change this, not us, YOU
I can assure you, the thoughts are unlikely to go away so do something about it now
Meeting other people knowing you are cheating is great whilst your clothes are off, but just wait til you're on your own and the guilt starts eating away at you... Or you meet someone and develop feelings for them...
Don't waste your life or the life of your wife on whats, ifs and maybes, turn a page
So, in short, I don't think you're an arsehole, but I do think you need to get real, talk and make some potentially difficult decisions
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A number of people on this thread telling others how to be truthful and no deceit. They have their moral standards and good luck to them. They are on here wanting sex. And many are happy to have sex with another mans wife!
Options
Tell her and see if she leaves you, ever been divorced. Try it, not a good feeling
Have sex using this site. Without telling her.
Live your life without sex.
Your telling people to take the last option? So try it for say 6 years and then rejoin on here with the same morals......yeah right
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Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...
If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.
If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away. |
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"So I’ve been married for 10 years and over the last few years sex has become less and less so I’ve recently been on this site and messaging other men or woman and getting my kicks at I being an arsehole by doing this?
It's easy for other to judge you, not knowing the complexity of your relationship or the people involved
I also know how it feels to be in a union where sex is an issue
Having come out the other side, I would advise you to talk, talk and talk some more
You may have more common ground than you think
You may have more to work on than you think
You may realise you are both unhappy and are maintaining the status quo to spare the feelings of the other person
Either way, what you are doing now is destructive - to both your mental health and your marriage
You have the power to change this, not us, YOU
I can assure you, the thoughts are unlikely to go away so do something about it now
Meeting other people knowing you are cheating is great whilst your clothes are off, but just wait til you're on your own and the guilt starts eating away at you... Or you meet someone and develop feelings for them...
Don't waste your life or the life of your wife on whats, ifs and maybes, turn a page
So, in short, I don't think you're an arsehole, but I do think you need to get real, talk and make some potentially difficult decisions
"
I agree with this.
You say the sex has become less and less, it's clearly not at the level you'd like it to be, however, is it that you were bumping every night and now it's "only" once a week?
Have a watch of "mating it captivity" it may give you some ideas and also the confidence to speak to her properly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I question why you need verification from others over your actions. Will you stop if you get crucified for it? Unlikely.
At the end of the day you have to make your own choices. Although I do wonder how happy you'd be if the shoe was on the other foot "
This and good choice OP, I hope things work out....  |
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"He left. I wonder why 
Maybe he felt like an asshole and decided to try and work at his marriage. "
I like to think that's the case. He was already questioning his own integrity so had doubts about his behaviour.
Fair play to him.
I'm genuinely hoping he's gone to watch mating in captivity and it gives him and his wife new hope. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...
If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.
If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away. "
It’s not a case of Her not wanting sex it is a case of not physically able to have sex with anyone. Big difference. |
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"Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...
If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.
If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away.
It’s not a case of Her not wanting sex it is a case of not physically able to have sex with anyone. Big difference. "
In your case right?
I'll be completely honest, sex doesn't have to involve actual penetration to be mind blowing.
Amazing "sex" is the intimacy, the trust, the eye contact, the care and attention, the sense that neither of you would rather be anywhere else.
The fact she still wants to, but can't... well, the wanting is huge. |
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"Your wife would probably think you were if she knew...
If you're saying she won't sit down and discuss this with you, I think you need to try again and make it clear how it's making you feel.
If she still refuses then you have some thinking to do, can you live in a sexless marriage permanently or do you need to break away.
It’s not a case of Her not wanting sex it is a case of not physically able to have sex with anyone. Big difference.
In your case right?
I'll be completely honest, sex doesn't have to involve actual penetration to be mind blowing.
Amazing "sex" is the intimacy, the trust, the eye contact, the care and attention, the sense that neither of you would rather be anywhere else.
The fact she still wants to, but can't... well, the wanting is huge."
Exactly the op didn't say she couldn't for health reasons |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He left. I wonder why
Maybe he felt like an asshole and decided to try and work at his marriage.
On the back of the expert advice he received "
Yes. There was a good range of opinions from people who will have experienced both sides. |
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Not every man/women that choose to cheat or come on sites like this looking to cheat are in sexless loveless just married for the kids relationships.
Most of the time their partners are oblivious and think they have a perfect relationship and in reality they are just with selfish people who want it all no matter who gets hurt in the process. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not every man/women that choose to cheat or come on sites like this looking to cheat are in sexless loveless just married for the kids relationships.
Most of the time their partners are oblivious and think they have a perfect relationship and in reality they are just with selfish people who want it all no matter who gets hurt in the process."
Cheating is cheating - it happens, a lot of ppl have done it or will do it, but ppl should never seek approval or validation for it imho. The honourable thing would be to talk to the existing partner about the "problem" and either work on it or at least be honest that your felt the need to be on fab. Sex really isn't everything and there is a LOT LOT LOT more to life and to a relationship than sex. So yes I'd agree it's selfish and shows a lack of love and respect for the current partner if a person is on here in secret. Judgemental eh, but it's a public forum.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not every man/women that choose to cheat or come on sites like this looking to cheat are in sexless loveless just married for the kids relationships.
Most of the time their partners are oblivious and think they have a perfect relationship and in reality they are just with selfish people who want it all no matter who gets hurt in the process.
Cheating is cheating - it happens, a lot of ppl have done it or will do it, but ppl should never seek approval or validation for it imho. The honourable thing would be to talk to the existing partner about the "problem" and either work on it or at least be honest that your felt the need to be on fab. Sex really isn't everything and there is a LOT LOT LOT more to life and to a relationship than sex. So yes I'd agree it's selfish and shows a lack of love and respect for the current partner if a person is on here in secret. Judgemental eh, but it's a public forum.... "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Pity OP is gone, just in case he's lurking somewhere under a different username though...
OP take a look at the r/Deadbedrooms subreddit on Reddit. I was in a similar situation for a similar amount of time. Texting others or even having an affair just delays the inevitable.
Address the issue at its source, have a chat with your Mrs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I'll be completely honest, sex doesn't have to involve actual penetration to be mind blowing.
Amazing "sex" is the intimacy, the trust, the eye contact, the care and attention, the sense that neither of you would rather be anywhere else.
The fact she still wants to, but can't... well, the wanting is huge."
Not a lot of men will agree with that statement |
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