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Subs and doms
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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After a recent chat with a friend, I'm curious to know what category if any folk fall into.
If you're a sub, why do you feel like that's your thing and what do you enjoy most about it?
Same question for doms, those that actively practice this in their sex life, what makes you a dom and why? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I wouldn't class myself as either."
Yep, I should have said, neither would I. There are times i like to be submissive and times i like to take control. I'm more curious about those that prefer to be one way or the other all the time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm a submissive.
The product of dominant parents when I was growing up, there was never any point arguing with them so i have carried that through my life. |
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I'm naturally submissive sexually, I prefer to receive instructions rather than give them.
I did have an old play partner I tried to switch with, but I don't have a Dominant bone in my body and it all felt forced and awkward.
Don't get me wrong, I am playful and enjoy tying and teasing a guy, but I'm not Dominant with it. It's about his pleasure and he is always still in charge 
It ends at the bedroom door though, in day to day life, I'd say I'm more Dominant in nature  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm naturally submissive sexually, I prefer to receive instructions rather than give them.
I did have an old play partner I tried to switch with, but I don't have a Dominant bone in my body and it all felt forced and awkward.
Don't get me wrong, I am playful and enjoy tying and teasing a guy, but I'm not Dominant with it. It's about his pleasure and he is always still in charge
It ends at the bedroom door though, in day to day life, I'd say I'm more Dominant in nature "
Definitely  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I finally got my restraints off again
So the majority would switch or prefer not to have such a label at all. I personally think that's the right way to be, why deny yourself the potential pleasures of one thing by being totally another?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I lean towards the sub side, but very very very few get that side from me.
I always need to be in control of my surroundings, plans, all of that because I get really rather anxious. I get worried about myself in case people think I'm a bit weird or whatever so I find I'm often on guard like that. So when I find someone I can be myself around, and trust them with my mind and body, it completely relaxes me and soothes me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m naturally submissive. Not to the extremes though.
I have a job where I have to be in control of my actions and behaviour all the time, I have to make quick decisions sometimes under immense pressure, as well as putting hands on people physically.
I like to give up that control in the bedroom. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I lean towards the sub side, but very very very few get that side from me.
I always need to be in control of my surroundings, plans, all of that because I get really rather anxious. I get worried about myself in case people think I'm a bit weird or whatever so I find I'm often on guard like that. So when I find someone I can be myself around, and trust them with my mind and body, it completely relaxes me and soothes me."
I could certainly see how you would need to completely trust the other person to relax and slip into a comfortable but submissive role. I would be similar in my normal lifethat I feel I like to be in control of me and what goes on for me as much as possible |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m naturally submissive. Not to the extremes though.
I have a job where I have to be in control of my actions and behaviour all the time, I have to make quick decisions sometimes under immense pressure, as well as putting hands on people physically.
I like to give up that control in the bedroom."
This is the type of answer I already mentioned with my friend that I expected. A person in control during the day to day but then wanting to give up control in the bedroom. I can totally get this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm submissive - mostly because I am always in control in my personal life and I like to have someone else take over.
It isn't a 'artifical label or whatever was stated earlier, it is something inherent in me and as much part of my personality as anything else.
However it isn't something just anyone sees. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm submissive - mostly because I am always in control in my personal life and I like to have someone else take over.
It isn't a 'artifical label or whatever was stated earlier, it is something inherent in me and as much part of my personality as anything else.
However it isn't something just anyone sees. "
As above, you gotta be very comfortable with the person before you show them your submissive side? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I lean towards the sub side, but very very very few get that side from me.
I always need to be in control of my surroundings, plans, all of that because I get really rather anxious. I get worried about myself in case people think I'm a bit weird or whatever so I find I'm often on guard like that. So when I find someone I can be myself around, and trust them with my mind and body, it completely relaxes me and soothes me.
I could certainly see how you would need to completely trust the other person to relax and slip into a comfortable but submissive role. I would be similar in my normal lifethat I feel I like to be in control of me and what goes on for me as much as possible "
Exactly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I always thought I was naturally submissive in the bedroom however having played that out in a more formal Dom/Sub scenario where I have been sub I found it quite empowering and realised I’m more dominant than I thought so I guess I’m a switch. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I always thought I was naturally submissive in the bedroom however having played that out in a more formal Dom/Sub scenario where I have been sub I found it quite empowering and realised I’m more dominant than I thought so I guess I’m a switch."
How did you find your dom to play that role? This was something else my friend and I spoke about. They said that many guys would say they are dom but when it came down to it they didn't overly know what they were doing in that role and seemed to be winging it which felt off putting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m naturally submissive. Not to the extremes though.
I have a job where I have to be in control of my actions and behaviour all the time, I have to make quick decisions sometimes under immense pressure, as well as putting hands on people physically.
I like to give up that control in the bedroom.
This is the type of answer I already mentioned with my friend that I expected. A person in control during the day to day but then wanting to give up control in the bedroom. I can totally get this "
Exactly the same for me. It’s even in the profile. Just a great opportunity to relinquish all control and responsibility for once
J x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How did you find your dom to play that role? This was something else my friend and I spoke about. They said that many guys would say they are dom but when it came down to it they didn't overly know what they were doing in that role and seemed to be winging it which felt off putting. [/quote
Indeed that is v true, I would say possibly my experience has been Dom light, elements are v Dom in terms of instruction on what to wear etc but possibly not as heavy as I would have imagined, although only a few meets so possibly early days and trust still needs to be secured.
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I’ve always been naturally sub, i wouldn’t say it’s a label or a restriction that put on my self. It’s a preference, and what gets me off
When I have tried to be Dom, I felt pretty uncomfortable and it’s not something I enjoyed.
X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"How did you find your dom to play that role? This was something else my friend and I spoke about. They said that many guys would say they are dom but when it came down to it they didn't overly know what they were doing in that role and seemed to be winging it which felt off putting. [/quote
Indeed that is v true, I would say possibly my experience has been Dom light, elements are v Dom in terms of instruction on what to wear etc but possibly not as heavy as I would have imagined, although only a few meets so possibly early days and trust still needs to be secured.
"
Trust seems to be, and rightly so, very important before properly immersing yourself in one of these roles with someone. Hopefully you build that over time and get to delve a little deeper and beyond dom light to dom heavy, if that's what you want as things progress |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve always been naturally sub, i wouldn’t say it’s a label or a restriction that put on my self. It’s a preference, and what gets me off
When I have tried to be Dom, I felt pretty uncomfortable and it’s not something I enjoyed.
X"
You sound very sure of your sub preference and definitely, again, being comfortable plays a massive role in enjoying the sub/dom scenario |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How did you find your dom to play that role? This was something else my friend and I spoke about. They said that many guys would say they are dom but when it came down to it they didn't overly know what they were doing in that role and seemed to be winging it which felt off putting. [/quote
Indeed that is v true, I would say possibly my experience has been Dom light, elements are v Dom in terms of instruction on what to wear etc but possibly not as heavy as I would have imagined, although only a few meets so possibly early days and trust still needs to be secured.
Trust seems to be, and rightly so, very important before properly immersing yourself in one of these roles with someone. Hopefully you build that over time and get to delve a little deeper and beyond dom light to dom heavy, if that's what you want as things progress "
Indeed, still in the early days of experimenting after a previously v vanilla life. Who knows what it will bring, Dom/Sub or Sub/Dom that’s the exciting bit yet to be figured out! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"How did you find your dom to play that role? This was something else my friend and I spoke about. They said that many guys would say they are dom but when it came down to it they didn't overly know what they were doing in that role and seemed to be winging it which felt off putting. [/quote
Indeed that is v true, I would say possibly my experience has been Dom light, elements are v Dom in terms of instruction on what to wear etc but possibly not as heavy as I would have imagined, although only a few meets so possibly early days and trust still needs to be secured.
Trust seems to be, and rightly so, very important before properly immersing yourself in one of these roles with someone. Hopefully you build that over time and get to delve a little deeper and beyond dom light to dom heavy, if that's what you want as things progress
Indeed, still in the early days of experimenting after a previously v vanilla life. Who knows what it will bring, Dom/Sub or Sub/Dom that’s the exciting bit yet to be figured out! "
definitely exciting |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My submissive side is only for the lucky one to have as a gift if I trust and lust, crave and desire that powerful soul who is able to take my hand and let me lose myself within his touch. I become free and forget about the world.
Otherwise with anyone else I am a strong dominant independent woman that just likes to fuck  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My submissive side is only for the lucky one to have as a gift if I trust and lust, crave and desire that powerful soul who is able to take my hand and let me lose myself within his touch. I become free and forget about the world.
Otherwise with anyone else I am a strong dominant independent woman that just likes to fuck "
 that got me a little hot under the collar |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My submissive side is only for the lucky one to have as a gift if I trust and lust, crave and desire that powerful soul who is able to take my hand and let me lose myself within his touch. I become free and forget about the world.
Otherwise with anyone else I am a strong dominant independent woman that just likes to fuck "
Fuck that’s powerful, go you |
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"I’ve always been naturally sub, i wouldn’t say it’s a label or a restriction that put on my self. It’s a preference, and what gets me off
When I have tried to be Dom, I felt pretty uncomfortable and it’s not something I enjoyed.
X"
My thoughts exactly. Being told/Made what to do with a trusted other makes me a pliable compliant mess. |
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I'm 100% dom. For me, the most important factors are mutual respect and trust, both of which have to be earned. I like to make a collar (I make them in brass) for subs who have handed their soul and their body over to me. It signifies the relationship between the master and his sub in much the same way a ring symbolises a vanilla relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm 100% dom. For me, the most important factors are mutual respect and trust, both of which have to be earned. I like to make a collar (I make them in brass) for subs who have handed their soul and their body over to me. It signifies the relationship between the master and his sub in much the same way a ring symbolises a vanilla relationship."
Brilliant! Good to hear from a doms perspective (I think I missed one above last night  ).
Is it being the master that appeals to you most? The control?
I'm just heading to work bit when I'm in and settled I'll be back |
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"I'm 100% dom. For me, the most important factors are mutual respect and trust, both of which have to be earned. I like to make a collar (I make them in brass) for subs who have handed their soul and their body over to me. It signifies the relationship between the master and his sub in much the same way a ring symbolises a vanilla relationship.
Brilliant! Good to hear from a doms perspective (I think I missed one above last night ).
Is it being the master that appeals to you most? The control?
I'm just heading to work bit when I'm in and settled I'll be back "
Oh good question.... let me put it this way. About two years ago I welcomed a very wonderful woman to my place in Spain for training. She stayed for two weeks (and another two later on). She came a vanilla housewife and left a fully submissive slave, collared 24/7, chained to my bed at night, obedient and willing to bring the lube and cane when told to.
She said it was like having the door opened to a whole new life, which she found rich, satisfying and rewarding. She understood that whatever I had in store for her, even those things that others would find humiliating or painful, it came with the special loving bond that exists in a Ds relationship. She craved her master owning her, and loved being treated like a whore in the bedroom and dungeon and a princess when out and about.
For me, there was a feeling of immense pride in having led her on that journey. And grateful respect at being granted unconditional access to her body and soul. It doesn't suit every woman, but to those who have the submissive gene it makes total sense.
Is that an answer? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm 100% dom. For me, the most important factors are mutual respect and trust, both of which have to be earned. I like to make a collar (I make them in brass) for subs who have handed their soul and their body over to me. It signifies the relationship between the master and his sub in much the same way a ring symbolises a vanilla relationship.
Brilliant! Good to hear from a doms perspective (I think I missed one above last night ).
Is it being the master that appeals to you most? The control?
I'm just heading to work bit when I'm in and settled I'll be back
Oh good question.... let me put it this way. About two years ago I welcomed a very wonderful woman to my place in Spain for training. She stayed for two weeks (and another two later on). She came a vanilla housewife and left a fully submissive slave, collared 24/7, chained to my bed at night, obedient and willing to bring the lube and cane when told to.
She said it was like having the door opened to a whole new life, which she found rich, satisfying and rewarding. She understood that whatever I had in store for her, even those things that others would find humiliating or painful, it came with the special loving bond that exists in a Ds relationship. She craved her master owning her, and loved being treated like a whore in the bedroom and dungeon and a princess when out and about.
For me, there was a feeling of immense pride in having led her on that journey. And grateful respect at being granted unconditional access to her body and soul. It doesn't suit every woman, but to those who have the submissive gene it makes total sense.
Is that an answer?"
That's the fookin answer alright!
So you get as much pleasure from leading a willing sub further into the sub/dom lifestyle, as you do from the actual acts of sex that might take place. And she took pleasure because she felt your trust, a bond and a shared love between the two of you, and obviously because she was submitting to your will.
I couldn't ask for a better answer pal, not that there are winners lol, but you've given me a better understanding of how a dom might think and thank you for that. Also, the fact that you mentioned a "loving bond" took the old idea that I might have had when I first heard of sub/dom years ago that it was an act based on putting the sub down and making them feel lesser than the master.
Thanks again for that |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
In a D/s scenario I'm very much submissive and it's a very natural and innate thing. Until my mid 30s, BDSM and kink were the kind of thing sniggered about in the Sunday papers, yet I always knew there was another side to my sexuality, then a chance conversation opened my eyes to BDSM, and the more we talked the more lightbulbs went off in my head that I could link to those "feelings", and I just *knew* then and there what they had been for years, and right back to childhood.
It's now very much a part of me, but not an all encompassing part, I don't *have* to have D/s in my life, and in fact rarely have experienced it, for my submission to come to the fore, I need to truly "feel" submissive to someone, and that's a rare thing indeed, it's not something I give away cheaply.
I couldn't be dominant though, as others have said I don't have a dominant bone in my body and on the occasions I have tried to take that role I have felt very awkward, although I do have times where I can be assertive, which is slightly different, and are usually "moments" rather than completely taking control.
That said, in a mutually agreeable and level playing field where D/s isn't a part of it, I can indulge in "kink play" and do things which would normally be considered dominant activities - for example I have a decent spanking hand which I am happy to use if asked. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Oh and p.s. I disagree completely with any notion of *any* role being the "best way to be" other than the one we each take for ourselves - when it's an innate and natural thing any other role just feels alien, forced and unnatural. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oh and p.s. I disagree completely with any notion of *any* role being the "best way to be" other than the one we each take for ourselves - when it's an innate and natural thing any other role just feels alien, forced and unnatural."
Thank you for that mate! Again, I think fluidity and experience in all aspects is the best way to be so as not to limit your pleasure in any way.
I wouldn't have put you as a sub, your comments on threads gave me the impression that you were assertive which I mistakenly thought would see you as a more dominant player in the bedroom. I say assertive, maybe not the nest word, but its early and I'm struggling to find a better one lol
I do understand that not everyone will see your submissive side, like others have said, certain things require trust and a great level of comfort between those involved.
Thank you for your extensive answer pal |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"i am submissive and we are live the D/s lifestyle, i do switch with males and females on occasions when we play with others but am naturally submissive and have been so for about 16 years.
k"
is it the giving up of control, like others have said, that makes you love to be submissive? |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Oh and p.s. I disagree completely with any notion of *any* role being the "best way to be" other than the one we each take for ourselves - when it's an innate and natural thing any other role just feels alien, forced and unnatural.
Thank you for that mate! Again, I think fluidity and experience in all aspects is the best way to be so as not to limit your pleasure in any way.
I wouldn't have put you as a sub, your comments on threads gave me the impression that you were assertive which I mistakenly thought would see you as a more dominant player in the bedroom. I say assertive, maybe not the nest word, but its early and I'm struggling to find a better one lol
"
But you can have fluidity and experience no matter the role you take - it's not so much about that, but individual needs and cravings, rather than experiencing different roles or being able to switch from one to another, and for someone naturally dominant or submissive those needs and cravings are very specific and very strong.
As for your second point, a common misconception about submissives is that we're weak and meak people who are unable to assert themselves or express an opinion and need someone else to take control in all aspects of their life - that couldn't be further from the truth and there's an argument that to give submission takes a degree of strength and control that goes beyond that required to take it.
Just because I'm a submissive doesn't mean I don't have a brain or an opinion or am scared to express it, which I know isn't what you were saying, but may go a way to explaining misconceptions and perceptions. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Oh and p.s. I disagree completely with any notion of *any* role being the "best way to be" other than the one we each take for ourselves - when it's an innate and natural thing any other role just feels alien, forced and unnatural.
Thank you for that mate! Again, I think fluidity and experience in all aspects is the best way to be so as not to limit your pleasure in any way.
I wouldn't have put you as a sub, your comments on threads gave me the impression that you were assertive which I mistakenly thought would see you as a more dominant player in the bedroom. I say assertive, maybe not the nest word, but its early and I'm struggling to find a better one lol
But you can have fluidity and experience no matter the role you take - it's not so much about that, but individual needs and cravings, rather than experiencing different roles or being able to switch from one to another, and for someone naturally dominant or submissive those needs and cravings are very specific and very strong.
As for your second point, a common misconception about submissives is that we're weak and meak people who are unable to assert themselves or express an opinion and need someone else to take control in all aspects of their life - that couldn't be further from the truth and there's an argument that to give submission takes a degree of strength and control that goes beyond that required to take it.
Just because I'm a submissive doesn't mean I don't have a brain or an opinion or am scared to express it, which I know isn't what you were saying, but may go a way to explaining misconceptions and perceptions."
I would say that type of misconception I initially had myself  not to the extend that someone didn't have a brain or couldn't show assertiveness, but more than they were naturally more submissive in all aspects of thier lives.
I also see what you are saying about cravings rather than wanting to experience different things being the reason for many taking a sub or dom role in the scene. You're learning me bud  |
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"I wouldn't class myself as either.
Same here. Why restrict yourself with artificial categories "
Is it artificial if you fall into that category. I'm all sub, no Domme in me. I'm far from artificial, and my leanings are far from superficial *shrug*.
I'm clearly not talking for all, but you can't deny that some of us aren't restricting anything, it's just who we are x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I wouldn't class myself as either.
Same here. Why restrict yourself with artificial categories
Is it artificial if you fall into that category. I'm all sub, no Domme in me. I'm far from artificial, and my leanings are far from superficial *shrug*.
I'm clearly not talking for all, but you can't deny that some of us aren't restricting anything, it's just who we are x"
Beautifully put |
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"Oh and p.s. I disagree completely with any notion of *any* role being the "best way to be" other than the one we each take for ourselves - when it's an innate and natural thing any other role just feels alien, forced and unnatural."
This |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
I would say that type of misconception I initially had myself not to the extend that someone didn't have a brain or couldn't show assertiveness, but more than they were naturally more submissive in all aspects of thier lives.
I also see what you are saying about cravings rather than wanting to experience different things being the reason for many taking a sub or dom role in the scene. You're learning me bud "
It's a common and natural conclusion for those that don't know or understand BDSM to jump to - not only because of the stereotyped "pathetic little worm" depiction in the media etc - but because someone giving over control would *seem* to be weak to an outsider.
As has been said, and it *is* a bit of a cliche, but a very true one for some - for some submissives it's about relinquishing power as a stress relief from incredibly dominant day to day roles.
The reality, as I said, is quite the opposite - giving yourself takes a degree of inner strength to be able to say "I am handing control to you to do with me as you desire" (within limits of course).
Learning is always good, it's how we evolve and understand |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Everyday is a school day and there is no one true way of being Dom, sub, Master or slave.
Find and forge your own path. Be mindful that others can provide advice and guidance, but as with every other type of relationship each one is unique to the people involved.
There are a lot of misconceptions in the BDSM world, the main thing is to keep your eyes and ears open and not be blinkered.
not every sub is a masochist and not every masochist is a sub is the one I come across most often. People assume to be sub is to enjoy pain.
A Master is a promoted Sir, and a slave is a promoted sub, so people like to refer to themselves as Masters or slaves without understanding what they signify.
For some the imagery of a Dom is wearing leather or latex with a paddle or whip, where as I am more likely going to be wearing religious garb and wielding items that get me up close and personal.
What you wear is up to you, and like a label has no actual bearing on the role you inhabit.
Its all about rough sex right? Nope. I have had many enjoyable encounters where no sexual activity has taken place. The release of endorphins being enough to take the body and mind to a different head space.
It is what you both need it to be.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Everyday is a school day and there is no one true way of being Dom, sub, Master or slave.
Find and forge your own path. Be mindful that others can provide advice and guidance, but as with every other type of relationship each one is unique to the people involved.
There are a lot of misconceptions in the BDSM world, the main thing is to keep your eyes and ears open and not be blinkered.
not every sub is a masochist and not every masochist is a sub is the one I come across most often. People assume to be sub is to enjoy pain.
A Master is a promoted Sir, and a slave is a promoted sub, so people like to refer to themselves as Masters or slaves without understanding what they signify.
For some the imagery of a Dom is wearing leather or latex with a paddle or whip, where as I am more likely going to be wearing religious garb and wielding items that get me up close and personal.
What you wear is up to you, and like a label has no actual bearing on the role you inhabit.
Its all about rough sex right? Nope. I have had many enjoyable encounters where no sexual activity has taken place. The release of endorphins being enough to take the body and mind to a different head space.
It is what you both need it to be.
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This about sums it up perfectly |
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