FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Do you have friends?
Do you have friends?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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One for couples/ people in a relationship. Same question for single people for when they weren't single.
Do you have friends outside your relationship?
No doubt that will sound a daft question. Trying to help my mate. Her ex moved away from his home town when he was in his late 20's, to be with her. Opposite side of the country so he lost his mates back home. But he never made new friends in the new town, he stayed home all the time and basically blamed her for his lack of friends/ losing his old mates.
They split up and now he's hounding her as he has nothing better to do, no-one to hang out with. He says he lost his only 'friend' when she left him.
I'm trying to convince her it's not normal for people to have no friends outside a relationship (she does have friends), and it's his own fault.
What do you think? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"One for couples/ people in a relationship. Same question for single people for when they weren't single.
Do you have friends outside your relationship?
No doubt that will sound a daft question. Trying to help my mate. Her ex moved away from his home town when he was in his late 20's, to be with her. Opposite side of the country so he lost his mates back home. But he never made new friends in the new town, he stayed home all the time and basically blamed her for his lack of friends/ losing his old mates.
They split up and now he's hounding her as he has nothing better to do, no-one to hang out with. He says he lost his only 'friend' when she left him.
I'm trying to convince her it's not normal for people to have no friends outside a relationship (she does have friends), and it's his own fault.
What do you think? "
his loss  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is his fault as he could have made friends, he has chosen not to. We have a new member of staff at the pub where I work part time, he does not need the job as he has a well paid job but it was a way of making friends as he moved down here for his job with his partner and knew no-one. They have made loads of friends and are getting on really well here. I am not saying that is what your friends ex should have done, but it shows that some get out and about and he just couldn't be bothered, maybe he needs to go back home as it sounds like he is missing it alot and no-one he makes friends with is going to match the friends he had there. |
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It's a difficult one. I moved here 6 years ago to be with hubby, but when you get to a certain age, how do you meetnew people?
I am good fiends with his friends and I consider a few of my work colleagues as good friends now, but outside that - my closest friends are in the Midlands (and even they've become "our" friends, not just "my" friends) |
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"One for couples/ people in a relationship. Same question for single people for when they weren't single.
Do you have friends outside your relationship?
No doubt that will sound a daft question. Trying to help my mate. Her ex moved away from his home town when he was in his late 20's, to be with her. Opposite side of the country so he lost his mates back home. But he never made new friends in the new town, he stayed home all the time and basically blamed her for his lack of friends/ losing his old mates.
They split up and now he's hounding her as he has nothing better to do, no-one to hang out with. He says he lost his only 'friend' when she left him.
I'm trying to convince her it's not normal for people to have no friends outside a relationship (she does have friends), and it's his own fault.
What do you think? "
If you move area, you have to adapt, this includes making new friends independently of any new relationship. Its, in our opinion, unhealthy to be reliant on someone for friendships. Tell your friend to get legal advice if being harassed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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my friends situation is a little sad at the moment as i moved away from home with my job so i dont really know anyone round here that well, i do have friends but they are back home so dont see them offen, and tho i know people here enough to say hello to i dont really know anyone that well id class them as friends
It can be hard if you move away from where you grew up |
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no, its not his own fault.
you dont say what sort of partner your friend is.
is she the kind to be happy with him being out with new friends for evenings, or would she be the kind to complain about him having nights out?
he moved to be with her, why didnt it happen the other way around? after all, women are much more sociable creatures than men. he may have felt uncomfortable in a new place and find it very difficult to make new friends (were his friends back home ones he has had since school? that would be evidence of such)
i myself do not mix well with people, and could count the friends i have outside of our relationship on 1 hand.
if i moved to be with Em then i would literally have no friends as i dont mix. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As for the guy in the OPs post, if the relationship has ened and he only moved there for her why dont he go back home to his family and where his friends are? |
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
Some people really do find it hard to make friends, especially as they get older. Perhaps he needs to work a little bit on his self confidence and people skills, then identify new ways of meeting people eg through a new hobby? |
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"I feel sorry for him.
she should be more sympathetic towards him, as she must have cared about him at one time."
i agree.
castigating him isnt going to help.
even if she doesnt want to be with him anymore, she should maybe help him to meet new people, after all, she is the reason he is there.
but have to agree with a post, why not just go home.
i would. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I feel sorry for him.
she should be more sympathetic towards him, as she must have cared about him at one time.
i agree.
castigating him isnt going to help.
even if she doesnt want to be with him anymore, she should maybe help him to meet new people, after all, she is the reason he is there.
but have to agree with a post, why not just go home.
i would."
i have to be honest if i split with someone i woulnt feel it my duty to help him make new friends, maybe she is with someone else how, plus we dont know the reason they split, she may not be in a possition to help him |
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"I feel sorry for him.
she should be more sympathetic towards him, as she must have cared about him at one time.
i agree.
castigating him isnt going to help.
even if she doesnt want to be with him anymore, she should maybe help him to meet new people, after all, she is the reason he is there.
but have to agree with a post, why not just go home.
i would.
i have to be honest if i split with someone i woulnt feel it my duty to help him make new friends, maybe she is with someone else how, plus we dont know the reason they split, she may not be in a possition to help him"
i agree, there are many things we dont know, like whether she was the reason he has made no friends where he is now, we just dont know.
BUT, she is the reason he is where he is now, so why shouldnt she feel a little responsibility? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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in this day and age its not hard to keep in touch with mates. perhaps he doesnt realise that as life changes so do friends etc.
why doesnt he move back to his home town x
just a suggestion.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We don't really have friends, we have associates but prefer to keep most people at arms length.
We like it that way. Yes one day when one of us dies, the other half will be lonely, but that's life, we'll worry about that when it happens |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I feel sorry for him.
she should be more sympathetic towards him, as she must have cared about him at one time.
i agree.
castigating him isnt going to help.
even if she doesnt want to be with him anymore, she should maybe help him to meet new people, after all, she is the reason he is there.
but have to agree with a post, why not just go home.
i would.
i have to be honest if i split with someone i woulnt feel it my duty to help him make new friends, maybe she is with someone else how, plus we dont know the reason they split, she may not be in a possition to help him
i agree, there are many things we dont know, like whether she was the reason he has made no friends where he is now, we just dont know.
BUT, she is the reason he is where he is now, so why shouldnt she feel a little responsibility?"
Thank you, that's exactly why I posted here, I wanted to see both sides.
She did try for all the time they were together but no matter what she did it was never good enough. He alienated his family and friends back home and any friends he made in the new town.
She feels terribly guilty even though I've reminded her she tried her best for so long. There comes a time when you have to give up. There's only so much you can do if people won't help themselves. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We don't really have friends, we have associates but prefer to keep most people at arms length.
We like it that way. Yes one day when one of us dies, the other half will be lonely, but that's life, we'll worry about that when it happens"
That's really sad. But glad you have each other. xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think you can get everything from one person. It's asking too much."
Never put everything into one person (or thing), because once you lose that, you lose everything.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I feel sorry for him.
she should be more sympathetic towards him, as she must have cared about him at one time.
i agree.
castigating him isnt going to help.
even if she doesnt want to be with him anymore, she should maybe help him to meet new people, after all, she is the reason he is there.
but have to agree with a post, why not just go home.
i would.
i have to be honest if i split with someone i woulnt feel it my duty to help him make new friends, maybe she is with someone else how, plus we dont know the reason they split, she may not be in a possition to help him
i agree, there are many things we dont know, like whether she was the reason he has made no friends where he is now, we just dont know.
BUT, she is the reason he is where he is now, so why shouldnt she feel a little responsibility?"
because lifes full of risks, if someone decides to up and move away from home to be with someone they take the risks that comes with that, not all relationships are forever we know that, so if the relationship dont work out an they are no longer a couple thats life, you get on with it not blame all youre problems on someone else and expect them to sort your friendship situation out!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's a tough one. I got with my ex in Bristol where I had lots of mates. She didn't have many friends there so we moved to Plymouth where she had lots.
I was either working or with her and our son so I didn't have any time to make friends.
It was not her fault that I didn't have the opportunity to get out but at the same time I (and your mates ex) did move accross the county for her so......... It all depends on how selfish your friend is tbh..... |
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It sounds like he spent his time pushing people away.
This is a way for him to continue controlling the situation, and her... It is very manipulative behaviour on his part - he's making himself the focus of her life even though they've split. It's the kind of behaviour that you see in abusive relationships (abuse is just as likely to be psychological as physical).
Your friend needs to take a deep breath and remind herself that she is not and never was the reason for his well being. She may have added to it when they were together, but we are all pilots of our own lives and cannot take responsibility for someone else's choices or actions, even when we have shared our lives with them.
He is trying to own her and guilt her into thinking that is ok. It is and never will be ok. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It sounds like he spent his time pushing people away.
This is a way for him to continue controlling the situation, and her... It is very manipulative behaviour on his part - he's making himself the focus of her life even though they've split. It's the kind of behaviour that you see in abusive relationships (abuse is just as likely to be psychological as physical).
Your friend needs to take a deep breath and remind herself that she is not and never was the reason for his well being. She may have added to it when they were together, but we are all pilots of our own lives and cannot take responsibility for someone else's choices or actions, even when we have shared our lives with them.
He is trying to own her and guilt her into thinking that is ok. It is and never will be ok."
he sounds like he would get on well with my ex-wife and janes ex-partner |
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Was in a relationship for 10 years (non swinging)...8.5 of which were brilliant
Part of its success was a respect for each other's social lives....an acceptance of times the other was socialising alone and an effort to get on with the other's friends when socialising together.
It helped that we had a lot of mutual friends too .
If you love so one (though of course emotions can do funny things to us)...you'll be happy for your partner to have friends.
that said you should still be each others best friend though....that's whats so great about being in love
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Didn't really answer question with the above...
Yes it's totaly not that normal to not have friends outside of the relationship... but some find it harder than others to make friends so we can't condemn the bloke.
It's not her responsibilty to make his friends for him though and he shouldn't now blame her.
It might be the pain of the break up talking though...he's upset and alone and lashing out.
Tune in next week for more bookshelf psychology from me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It sounds like he spent his time pushing people away.
This is a way for him to continue controlling the situation, and her... It is very manipulative behaviour on his part - he's making himself the focus of her life even though they've split. It's the kind of behaviour that you see in abusive relationships (abuse is just as likely to be psychological as physical).
Your friend needs to take a deep breath and remind herself that she is not and never was the reason for his well being. She may have added to it when they were together, but we are all pilots of our own lives and cannot take responsibility for someone else's choices or actions, even when we have shared our lives with them.
He is trying to own her and guilt her into thinking that is ok. It is and never will be ok."
He was and still is emotionally abusive to her. I didn't mention that as it would obviously have a bearing on how people viewed him. I wanted to give him a fair hearing.
She's getting better but emotional abuse is tough as it's 'invisible'. |
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But it's not invisible. It was spotted on here. And others around her will have spotted it. The only one who isn't seeing clearly is your friend herself.
Good luck. It's a hard situation for you to be in. You can't force her to see this and she won't thank you if you try. She may even go back to him, in which case she'll need all the friends she can.
Big hugs honey, stay strong and show her she is loved. |
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I wouldn't like to jump in with both feet and say anything about the guy, not with only having a bias snippet from one side of the story.
However.... I will say, not everyone needs freinds. Some people are born to be loaners most of the time, they find other hobbies and interests.
Some people whilst not being loaners can cope with moving away from friends and family.... some can't.
When you understand your partner you will know these things... or at least I think you should when it gets to the stage of asking them to pack up and move to be with you.
Some women like a guy to have no friends... it keeps them home. The guy has no excuse to go out on the piss and such like. These women initially think this is a good thing.... they feel needed.... they never spend nights in alone wondering what he's up to and who with. They always know where their man is and it will be with them, doing what they want to do....until they want a bit of space.
Break-ups will never be easy.... when it's all about fault and blame. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I wouldn't like to jump in with both feet and say anything about the guy, not with only having a bias snippet from one side of the story.
However.... I will say, not everyone needs freinds. Some people are born to be loaners most of the time, they find other hobbies and interests.
Some people whilst not being loaners can cope with moving away from friends and family.... some can't.
When you understand your partner you will know these things... or at least I think you should when it gets to the stage of asking them to pack up and move to be with you.
Some women like a guy to have no friends... it keeps them home. The guy has no excuse to go out on the piss and such like. These women initially think this is a good thing.... they feel needed.... they never spend nights in alone wondering what he's up to and who with. They always know where their man is and it will be with them, doing what they want to do....until they want a bit of space.
Break-ups will never be easy.... when it's all about fault and blame."
Great post. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Myself and lady met through her friends. (she knew then for ages, I met them, and then her shortly after).
Since then, I still have my close friends, who I see less often,but our regular social group are this group we met through. Although I met her through them rather than then through her, since we got together they filled the role of 'her friends', but recently have started I feel like felt both out friends again.
I also have ex university friends, who life far away, so I know I have friends but seeing them less often and her friend more regularly can be depressing. So I find a lot of posts in this thread comforting.
I would suggest your friend's boyfriend socialise with your male friends without you or your female friends. Sharing an in joke or shares experience/memory with them will work wonders. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I wouldn't like to jump in with both feet and say anything about the guy, not with only having a bias snippet from one side of the story.
However.... I will say, not everyone needs freinds. Some people are born to be loaners most of the time, they find other hobbies and interests.
Some people whilst not being loaners can cope with moving away from friends and family.... some can't.
When you understand your partner you will know these things... or at least I think you should when it gets to the stage of asking them to pack up and move to be with you.
Some women like a guy to have no friends... it keeps them home. The guy has no excuse to go out on the piss and such like. These women initially think this is a good thing.... they feel needed.... they never spend nights in alone wondering what he's up to and who with. They always know where their man is and it will be with them, doing what they want to do....until they want a bit of space.
Break-ups will never be easy.... when it's all about fault and blame.
Great post. "
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