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Dom/Sub dynamic..
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So i am potentially about to agree to this dynamic with a partner..
I almost feel like the signing up stage is like an interview ive a million questions for him in regarding to his rules, the bounderies. Of course all of those details will be chatted about between us both.
He works away so likes the idea i could be with others, providing he knows prior and he wants to hear/see photos after.
What tips/hints/ advice would you sugest to an eager to please newbie in this situation. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Stop.
Eager to please can lead to you agreeing to things you are not comfortable/happy about just to please him.
You need to talk things through like limits, boundaries, expectations, health and safety etc. before you “sign up” to anything.
What does being submissive mean to you? What do you want to get out of it?
(I assume thats the role you are taking given he will have control over you playing with others).
As a Dom what is he offering you? Control, safety, a chance to experience new things?
What parts of your life are you willing to give over control? Do you still want to retain agency over some decisions?
What if people you want to meet don't want photos taken, are you happy to pass them up?
D/s can be intense, and no two dynamics are the same, and its how I live my life and I couldn't imagine it being any other way.
However, you need to protect your physical and mental well being and try to avoid those abusers/consent violators who hide behind the label of Dom.
Just a few thoughts. |
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"So i am potentially about to agree to this dynamic with a partner..
I almost feel like the signing up stage is like an interview ive a million questions for him in regarding to his rules, the bounderies. Of course all of those details will be chatted about between us both.
He works away so likes the idea i could be with others, providing he knows prior and he wants to hear/see photos after.
What tips/hints/ advice would you sugest to an eager to please newbie in this situation. "
The rules and boundaries should not be his. They should be mutual and agreed between you both.
It's good that you're going to talk but I think you would benefit from some personal research. If you can get a copy of a book such as screw the roses send me the thorns it will give you some food for thought.
Enjoy your experiences
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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and this is the point of this thread.. id really love some insight from those who do it and it works for and those who tried and it didnt work for.
I get this is something not to be entered lightly and why id put it out there.
Almost so i can return back to him with questions and thoughts i alone wouldnt have thought of. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs, something that I softened missed as the submissive wants to please and so agrees to things they actual do not want, such as limits greater than what they are comfortable with.
I find getting this sort of information takes a lot of time, so be clear from the start about what your expectations and limits (soft and hard) are. You can always push boundaries as you trust grows but not at the beginning.
Be clear and be safe xxx |
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There isn't a right or a wrong way. There is only the way you and your partner are comfortable with.
Do as others have mentioned your reading and then maybe sit and write what it is you want out of it. Then you can compare with your Dom and then discuss how you both like to proceed  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs, something that I softened missed as the submissive wants to please and so agrees to things they actual do not want, such as limits greater than what they are comfortable with.
I find getting this sort of information takes a lot of time, so be clear from the start about what your expectations and limits (soft and hard) are. You can always push boundaries as you trust grows but not at the beginning.
Be clear and be safe xxx"
He is firstly an incredible guy.. he did want me just for sex and this side of things but actually wants to date me (which im kinda buzzing about woop)..
He has always told me that i have total power, i set the limits the boundries, we work on our foundations and trust, we communicate always. I dont think ive ever felt so safe. He has told me at anytime i choose to end the dynamic no questions asked and its done.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Both of the pieces of advice already offered by _etcpl and Nicecouple are excellent and much along the lines of what I would have said.
To truly be submissive or dominant you need to understand yourself and your interests first and foremost, almost importantly where those interests come from - what kind of Dom/sub you think you are, what elements of BDSM interest you or you want to experience, whether you see it as added "kink play" to an already healthy sex life, or something more all encompassing - whether you sit at the light or extreme end of the scale etc etc
Remember submission is yours to own and control, not a dominants, you may give it to them but ultimately you are the one with the power to both give it *and* take it away, just as a dominant has the power to give or take away their dominance.
A good starting point to get your head round where you stand, other than the book Newcouple recommended (and I'd add SM101 to that) is on-line BDSM questionnaires - there is the generic one that may tell you where you sit on the scale, but seek out some of the more detailed ones that list literally hundreds of specific elements of BDSM that you rate 1-5 in terms of interest.
They're not only an excellent way of informing yourself of interests you have (and will introduce quite a few "I never thought of that" moments) but also a good comparative guide if you ask a prospective D/s partner to complete one too and then compare notes.
Also don't be suckered by the "true" Dom/sub talk - the only "true" Dom/sub is the one you define for yourself and agree with prospective partners from an equal footing. |
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"The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs, something that I softened missed as the submissive wants to please and so agrees to things they actual do not want, such as limits greater than what they are comfortable with.
I find getting this sort of information takes a lot of time, so be clear from the start about what your expectations and limits (soft and hard) are. You can always push boundaries as you trust grows but not at the beginning.
Be clear and be safe xxx
He is firstly an incredible guy.. he did want me just for sex and this side of things but actually wants to date me (which im kinda buzzing about woop)..
He has always told me that i have total power, i set the limits the boundries, we work on our foundations and trust, we communicate always. I dont think ive ever felt so safe. He has told me at anytime i choose to end the dynamic no questions asked and its done.
"
. I was responding to your first post the time of which is different to this one. My advice still stands though. |
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"The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs, something that I softened missed as the submissive wants to please and so agrees to things they actual do not want, such as limits greater than what they are comfortable with.
I find getting this sort of information takes a lot of time, so be clear from the start about what your expectations and limits (soft and hard) are. You can always push boundaries as you trust grows but not at the beginning.
Be clear and be safe xxx
He is firstly an incredible guy.. he did want me just for sex and this side of things but actually wants to date me (which im kinda buzzing about woop)..
He has always told me that i have total power, i set the limits the boundries, we work on our foundations and trust, we communicate always. I dont think ive ever felt so safe. He has told me at anytime i choose to end the dynamic no questions asked and its done.
. I was responding to your first post the time of which is different to this one. My advice still stands though."
*tone not time |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs, something that I softened missed as the submissive wants to please and so agrees to things they actual do not want, such as limits greater than what they are comfortable with.
Be clear and be safe xxx"
Respectfully to each their own, however in my experience neither Dom nor sub are in complete control of the dynamic. If the sub is always in control, then the sub is not a sub.
D/s is power exchange; the sub gives up control over certain aspects of their life in return for the Dom taking over control of those same aspects. Its built upon communication, negotiation and consent.
The Dom can reject/return this control in much the same way the submissive can reclaim it if they feel the dynamic isn't working. In much the same way safe words can he used by both and are not only for use by the sub.
With regards any advice or guidance, outside of generic advice anything bespoke needs more information:
What does being submissive mean to you?
What are you wanting to get out of it?
For example
Do you want to have routines where you send messages/photos to him when you wake up and go to bed?
Do you want him to control what clothes you wear?
Do you want him to control your food/drink/smoking or other habits?
Do you want him to set you tasks to complete?
Do you want him to control which of your friends you see?
Do you want him to control who you see on fab?
Do you want him to limit your orgasms, including preventing you from having orgasms with other men (or suffer punishment)
The list goes on.
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
"The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs"
People always give this ‘advice’ on this topic, and it’s always wrong.
The Sub is not in charge of the dynamic, and neither is the Dom. It’s an equal relationship, based on meeting the needs of both the Sub and the Dom, in whatever scenario the two experience together. If it’s not doing that, and one is holding the whip hand over the other (metaphorically, not literally!), it’s not going to work in any meaningful sense. |
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
"Both of the pieces of advice already offered by _etcpl and Nicecouple are excellent and much along the lines of what I would have said.
To truly be submissive or dominant you need to understand yourself and your interests first and foremost, almost importantly where those interests come from - what kind of Dom/sub you think you are, what elements of BDSM interest you or you want to experience, whether you see it as added "kink play" to an already healthy sex life, or something more all encompassing - whether you sit at the light or extreme end of the scale etc etc
Remember submission is yours to own and control, not a dominants, you may give it to them but ultimately you are the one with the power to both give it *and* take it away, just as a dominant has the power to give or take away their dominance.
A good starting point to get your head round where you stand, other than the book Newcouple recommended (and I'd add SM101 to that) is on-line BDSM questionnaires - there is the generic one that may tell you where you sit on the scale, but seek out some of the more detailed ones that list literally hundreds of specific elements of BDSM that you rate 1-5 in terms of interest.
They're not only an excellent way of informing yourself of interests you have (and will introduce quite a few "I never thought of that" moments) but also a good comparative guide if you ask a prospective D/s partner to complete one too and then compare notes.
Also don't be suckered by the "true" Dom/sub talk - the only "true" Dom/sub is the one you define for yourself and agree with prospective partners from an equal footing."
This, on the other hand, is very good advice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Discussion.non stop.. we use a 10 Sheet of A4 questionaire .all dynamics are contained within as we are both Switch..before discussion..during and Aftercare for both after a play session..we have both set aside time Sunday morning for a play session and all this week it is being discussed..Both of us know what is ahead and how it will play out.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs
People always give this ‘advice’ on this topic, and it’s always wrong.
The Sub is not in charge of the dynamic, and neither is the Dom. It’s an equal relationship, based on meeting the needs of both the Sub and the Dom, in whatever scenario the two experience together. If it’s not doing that, and one is holding the whip hand over the other (metaphorically, not literally!), it’s not going to work in any meaningful sense."
I admit my advice is bias as I have spoken to many submissives who were not clear from the beginning and found it was not what they thought it would be. The advice above is very good advice. Make your dynamic one based on trust and communication and it will be an enriching relationship for you both. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is some really good advice here and the discussion about the loci of control in D/s is interesting (Is the sub ultimately in control, are they most of the time but not all the time, is it shared). How I like to look at it is this way
needs/Needs/Wants/wants
The capitalisation indicates the dominant BTW
To do this, you both need to figure out what is absolutely fundamental to you (needs/Needs). The subs needs comes before the Dom/mes Needs. This is a hard boundary and if it’s crossed, the Dom is abusive and controlling. Get out of there!
Now on to wants - these are the fun things, things we have fantasies about. Here the sub must give control over to the Dom/me and put their wants last.
Lastly, a D/s relationship takes a ton of communication which also means it comes with lots of tension that both partners need to navigate. Don’t keep your thoughts bottled up but also be able to be resilient in taking feedback. But always look out for yourself and examine why you feel the way you do - you won’t know all of your boundaries and needs right away and that is okay. When you find one though - let them know. How they react will be telling. Good luck! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"The main point of the D/s relationship is that the submissive should ALWAYS be the one in charge of the dynamic as your Dom is there to provide for your needs
People always give this ‘advice’ on this topic, and it’s always wrong.
The Sub is not in charge of the dynamic, and neither is the Dom. It’s an equal relationship, based on meeting the needs of both the Sub and the Dom, in whatever scenario the two experience together. If it’s not doing that, and one is holding the whip hand over the other (metaphorically, not literally!), it’s not going to work in any meaningful sense.
I admit my advice is bias as I have spoken to many submissives who were not clear from the beginning and found it was not what they thought it would be. The advice above is very good advice. Make your dynamic one based on trust and communication and it will be an enriching relationship for you both."
There's actually a third element that goes with trust and communication and that is "knowledge" - which is why I'll always encourage those on both sides of the equation to take a step back and spend time thinking about what they seek from a D/s relationship and finding out as much as they can *before* entering into any kind of serious dynamic on those lines.
Without knowing yourself and what you really want, you're leaving yourself open to all kinds of danger.
I'm very much of the thinking that a D/s relationship is equal, just from two people on opposite sides of the same coin - yes a submissive may hand over control and as such relinquish power, but they also have the power to take that control back but a dominant equally may take that control, but they also have the power to give it back - and so the balance is maintained.
For some who enter into a 24/7 relationship the control may lie almost 100% with the dominant but the submissive still should have the ability to take that back at any time of their choosing, or the dominant to give it back - so even in extreme scenarios the balance is maintained. |
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