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What happened to you this year?
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
Forgive any self indulgence because there could be plenty but for some reason I feel the need to document this for posterity and maybe to help the process of clearing my mind.
Here’s my mainly Fab year although it has impacted real life too:
2020 began slowly and I didn’t really get involved in much, I’ve never been much of a winter person and always look forward to spring. I pushed away people who genuinely cared about me and then lockdown arrived.
I spent way too much time on my own rarely leaving my own 4 walls; picked arguments on the forums for the sake of it; banned myself from the forums (the irony); got lazy and put weight on; thought about leaving Fab; spent every waking minute on Fab; shunned any offers of help and slowly descended into a dark place. I realised how much I miss people and social interaction.
Then in July something out of the blue happened - I met someone and fell head over heels virtually overnight with someone I thought was perfect..and her dog. At no point did I stop to consider if I might be what she was looking for, I knew my passion was smothering her, my love unrequited and I pushed her so hard she’s gone. This is so not like me!
My head is scrambled: I can’t think straight; can’t sleep; have lost the weight I put on and more besides; my work has suffered immensely; I’ve been gambling more than ever and chasing jackpots to buy myself out of this life; fortunately I’m not drinking.
I’ve reached out to anyone who’d listen which has helped massively and have some fantastic friends both on here and in real life. In the main I’ve done the opposite of what they recommended but they’ve been there and I’ll never forget that. It really is good to talk.
So what next? There’s still more than a quarter of the year left and I think yesterday was a line in the sand kind of day. The prospect of a new lockdown scares the bejesus out of me but I’ll deal with it in my own indomitable way.
I always thought of myself as happy go lucky with my shit together, now I’m seeing how quickly things can change and just how fragile and delicate I really can be. If anything I hope to come out of this a better and nicer person and I’ll look back on this year and wonder wtf ever happened. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wow. Nik. Having met you I’d say you were one of the most happy go lucky people I’ve met. Just shows that nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I’m so glad you’re coming out of it now and good to see you back on here. Hugs my love xxxxxxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes this year has been a tough one.
Even though I am very much happy in my own company Fab forums has been a bit of a lifeline for me to take me out of my own head and a place to escape to.
And I've been interacting (and messaging) with some really lovely people on here.
I'm glad I logged into Fab a few months ago and saw the forums. |
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"Wow. Nik. Having met you I’d say you were one of the most happy go lucky people I’ve met. Just shows that nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I’m so glad you’re coming out of it now and good to see you back on here. Hugs my love xxxxxxx"
Thanks Nora xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve had lots of time away from fab over the last two years and my life has changed immeasurably.
The main points were the collapse of my marriage then meeting a man who initially turned my life around. We were madly in love until he got cold feet at the seven month point as his parents pushed to meet me.
He worried how they’d react if, and it’s a big if, they realised I was trans. He ended what he said was the best relationship he’d ever had.
So I concentrated on my transition and here I am; in bed much of the time, giving my body time to heal.
Post bust up I finished my property development and it seems I’ve made back much of the money lost through divorce.
I had to quit my work to do that and lockdown ensured I spent months completely alone.
I feel for you Nik. This lockdown has been hard. I feel the pain of losing a love too.
Hang on in there and keep reaching out.
Fab is surprisingly good at supporting xxx |
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Crikey! You’ve been through quite a lot Nik!
I also remember the Mr Nice Guy in you I met way back when so I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been through so much 
Sending hugs and hope the line in the sand is a positive step to moving on xx |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
I think this year has been an incredibly tough one for all of us in lots of ways - we've been forced to live an isolated existence to an extent and in doing so it's only natural to seek out interaction and indeed strengthen relationships on-line and whilst that can be a good thing, and feelings *can* be just as real as real life ones, it can also lead to too much being read into situations, particularly if those feelings are one sided.
It's easily done though, because you don't have the context of anything other than words on a screen, so you read things into a situation that aren't there, or reciprocated - that "new message" icon becomes a beacon that you excitedly grasp full of hope and joy - so when the realisation dawns that you *have* read too much into something, it can be equally deflating.
Sorry it's happened OP and sorry it's had the effect it's had, but glad you've reached a turning point and are finding your way again - try not to blame yourself, like I said, it's very easily done, and in the current climate possibly even easier than normal. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nik, it sounds like your year has been challenging. My inbox is always open if you ever need to talk. I echo what Nora says, you are such a great welcoming guy in the times we have met and I hope you feel like you again soon |
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"I’ve had lots of time away from fab over the last two years and my life has changed immeasurably.
The main points were the collapse of my marriage then meeting a man who initially turned my life around. We were madly in love until he got cold feet at the seven month point as his parents pushed to meet me.
He worried how they’d react if, and it’s a big if, they realised I was trans. He ended what he said was the best relationship he’d ever had.
So I concentrated on my transition and here I am; in bed much of the time, giving my body time to heal.
Post bust up I finished my property development and it seems I’ve made back much of the money lost through divorce.
I had to quit my work to do that and lockdown ensured I spent months completely alone.
I feel for you Nik. This lockdown has been hard. I feel the pain of losing a love too.
Hang on in there and keep reaching out.
Fab is surprisingly good at supporting xxx"
Thanks Rachael, and thank you for opening up too. For what it’s worth I’ve always admired your determination, I hope you come through this thriving. I’m realising the support of Fab more and more and will try to embrace it this time around xx |
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"Crikey! You’ve been through quite a lot Nik!
I also remember the Mr Nice Guy in you I met way back when so I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been through so much
Sending hugs and hope the line in the sand is a positive step to moving on xx "
Thanks DC. In the grand scheme of things I haven’t been through that much, I thinks that’s part of why I’m struggling to get my head round all this. I’ll get there xx |
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"I think this year has been an incredibly tough one for all of us in lots of ways - we've been forced to live an isolated existence to an extent and in doing so it's only natural to seek out interaction and indeed strengthen relationships on-line and whilst that can be a good thing, and feelings *can* be just as real as real life ones, it can also lead to too much being read into situations, particularly if those feelings are one sided.
It's easily done though, because you don't have the context of anything other than words on a screen, so you read things into a situation that aren't there, or reciprocated - that "new message" icon becomes a beacon that you excitedly grasp full of hope and joy - so when the realisation dawns that you *have* read too much into something, it can be equally deflating.
Sorry it's happened OP and sorry it's had the effect it's had, but glad you've reached a turning point and are finding your way again - try not to blame yourself, like I said, it's very easily done, and in the current climate possibly even easier than normal."
You said it so much better than me, thank you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Crikey! You’ve been through quite a lot Nik!
I also remember the Mr Nice Guy in you I met way back when so I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been through so much
Sending hugs and hope the line in the sand is a positive step to moving on xx
Thanks DC. In the grand scheme of things I haven’t been through that much, I thinks that’s part of why I’m struggling to get my head round all this. I’ll get there xx "
You have though, personally. We all have, then we see people much worse off than ourselves and it puts things in perspective for a little while and we perhaps feel a little guilty for feeling the way we do. I know I have. I’ve had friends in bits because they live alone and feel so lonely, where I’ve been struggling having absolutely no time alone and feel I’d swap with them anytime! Everyone has had to face their own problems these past few months and yours are no less important or difficult than the next person xx |
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Hi Nik
My year has been a pretty brutal one too.
I spent a few months completely crestfallen, heartbroken and afraid.
I've battled with mental health, not because of the relationship ending, but the way it happened and things I discovered. It wasn't just my rug that got pulled from under me, it was an entire carpet.
The thing that kept me going was knowing throughout I had been a good person, that I stuck to my moral code and that even though I was grieving, it was more grief for the future and for the hopeful sprite I was.
I had a breakthrough a few days ago now, where my future wasn't as bleak as it had felt and I wasn't consumed by fear of it.
I was full of anger and resentment, it was literally eating me up. I was unable to eat, sleep or think about being happy again. I was fortunate enough to be able to have a conversation and get that resentment off my chest, I had a voice that was heard and my pain and the anvil I was carrying round with me was acknowledged. That was the key to the padlock that had kept me caged in my own torment. That was my closure.
I can tell you that as dark as your days may be now, the sun will shine on you again. You will feel the warmth on your skin and it will be beautiful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This thread is making me a bit emosh!
You've all been through so much! 
My year had already become utter shite by about February. My mental health wasn't great. Then I was quarantined with one of my best friends, who is no longer a friend after she financially and emotionally butt fucked me dry for 4 months and then ditched me once she didn't need me anymore.
J and I were 2000 miles away from each other for over 4 months, thanks rona!
Then my dad almost died of kidney failure, my parents live in Bulgaria so I couldn't be there and that was heart breaking.
HOWEVER, I have become closer to some other friends, people I know have got my back. My dad is on the mend and is gonna be just fine. J and I have been reunited and are making up for lost time 
And honestly, I'm going pretty great.
2021 is going to be epic! 
Lu  |
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And Nik, it's not self indulgent to share vulnerabilites and experiences.
It's not self indulgent to post stuff that shows us as human, to allow others a glimpse into our pain and give others a sense of "I'm not alone"
To give others hope.
To be honest.
To be wounded.
That's not self indulgent at all.
It's brave.
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"And Nik, it's not self indulgent to share vulnerabilites and experiences.
It's not self indulgent to post stuff that shows us as human, to allow others a glimpse into our pain and give others a sense of "I'm not alone"
To give others hope.
To be honest.
To be wounded.
That's not self indulgent at all.
It's brave.
"
I’m starting to see that and it’s encouraging to see the kind comments by yourself and others here. I’ve generally only popped in and out of the forums over the years but it feels good to be back xx |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"And Nik, it's not self indulgent to share vulnerabilites and experiences.
It's not self indulgent to post stuff that shows us as human, to allow others a glimpse into our pain and give others a sense of "I'm not alone"
To give others hope.
To be honest.
To be wounded.
That's not self indulgent at all.
It's brave.
"
|
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"And Nik, it's not self indulgent to share vulnerabilites and experiences.
It's not self indulgent to post stuff that shows us as human, to allow others a glimpse into our pain and give others a sense of "I'm not alone"
To give others hope.
To be honest.
To be wounded.
That's not self indulgent at all.
It's brave.
"
Actually to expand on my emoji post above - this is spot on - too often here we *think* we can't open up, or show our vulnerable side, or our weaknesses for fear of it being frowned on or because we perceive that we should be a certain way or type.
Personally I'd much rather see people being open and honest than trying to conform - not only do you get a true picture of the person but you might learn some things about yourself too. |
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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago
Deepest darkest Peru |
To my dear friend
It’s not self indulgent at all. I’m glad you’re opening up and I’m here for you as always. Never be afraid to speak out about how you feel you have so many friends who love, like and admire you and will be there in a flash to support you
Get them poached eggs ready |
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"To my dear friend
It’s not self indulgent at all. I’m glad you’re opening up and I’m here for you as always. Never be afraid to speak out about how you feel you have so many friends who love, like and admire you and will be there in a flash to support you
Get them poached eggs ready "
They’re ready when you are! xx |
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"Crikey! You’ve been through quite a lot Nik!
I also remember the Mr Nice Guy in you I met way back when so I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been through so much
Sending hugs and hope the line in the sand is a positive step to moving on xx
Thanks DC. In the grand scheme of things I haven’t been through that much, I thinks that’s part of why I’m struggling to get my head round all this. I’ll get there xx "
I’m sure you will get there but you know there is lots of support from the folks in this thread if ever you need to reach out xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hi Nik. Feel you. This year has been the worst I’ve ever had. Talk about being kicked again and again when I’m already down!! Trying to learn from the experiences but that will take time too. Just hoping that the rollercoaster will finally end the downward ride soon and things will pick up soon. Hope the same for you too... |
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By *ookie46Woman
over a year ago
Deepest darkest Peru |
"To my dear friend
It’s not self indulgent at all. I’m glad you’re opening up and I’m here for you as always. Never be afraid to speak out about how you feel you have so many friends who love, like and admire you and will be there in a flash to support you
Get them poached eggs ready
They’re ready when you are! xx"
You’re gonna regret saying that  |
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I Fucking adore you and your honesty. My door, pancake supply and gin bar is always open to you. Some things open our eyes to the bigger picture. Covid has done this on an epic scale. Just know you will be just fine regardless of how much advice you ignore you bloody loon |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think that this year has been hard for all of us, something that we have never experienced before leaving us worried and uncertain about the future
I've had anxiety for almost all of my adult life and this year has been a struggle for me with lockdown, worries about my mam,my young grandkids,but I always tell myself that tomorrow is another day so just try and overcome your fears,hugs to those who need them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve had lots of time away from fab over the last two years and my life has changed immeasurably.
The main points were the collapse of my marriage then meeting a man who initially turned my life around. We were madly in love until he got cold feet at the seven month point as his parents pushed to meet me.
He worried how they’d react if, and it’s a big if, they realised I was trans. He ended what he said was the best relationship he’d ever had.
So I concentrated on my transition and here I am; in bed much of the time, giving my body time to heal.
Post bust up I finished my property development and it seems I’ve made back much of the money lost through divorce.
I had to quit my work to do that and lockdown ensured I spent months completely alone.
I feel for you Nik. This lockdown has been hard. I feel the pain of losing a love too.
Hang on in there and keep reaching out.
Fab is surprisingly good at supporting xxx
Thanks Rachael, and thank you for opening up too. For what it’s worth I’ve always admired your determination, I hope you come through this thriving. I’m realising the support of Fab more and more and will try to embrace it this time around xx "
How are you now Nik?
|
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"I’ve had lots of time away from fab over the last two years and my life has changed immeasurably.
The main points were the collapse of my marriage then meeting a man who initially turned my life around. We were madly in love until he got cold feet at the seven month point as his parents pushed to meet me.
He worried how they’d react if, and it’s a big if, they realised I was trans. He ended what he said was the best relationship he’d ever had.
So I concentrated on my transition and here I am; in bed much of the time, giving my body time to heal.
Post bust up I finished my property development and it seems I’ve made back much of the money lost through divorce.
I had to quit my work to do that and lockdown ensured I spent months completely alone.
I feel for you Nik. This lockdown has been hard. I feel the pain of losing a love too.
Hang on in there and keep reaching out.
Fab is surprisingly good at supporting xxx
Thanks Rachael, and thank you for opening up too. For what it’s worth I’ve always admired your determination, I hope you come through this thriving. I’m realising the support of Fab more and more and will try to embrace it this time around xx
How are you now Nik?
"
Honestly I don’t know. I’m just back from a week in Turkey which turned out to be the loneliest week of my life. The intention was to cleanse my soul, in the end I stewed and stewed. Now I’m back and reality is a couple of days away so I guess we’ll see x |
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"I Fucking adore you and your honesty. My door, pancake supply and gin bar is always open to you. Some things open our eyes to the bigger picture. Covid has done this on an epic scale. Just know you will be just fine regardless of how much advice you ignore you bloody loon "
Our mutual friend has been truly amazing throughout all this, but I’m more than looking forward to your dodgy pancakes. Can I have rum instead of gin though? x |
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"I Fucking adore you and your honesty. My door, pancake supply and gin bar is always open to you. Some things open our eyes to the bigger picture. Covid has done this on an epic scale. Just know you will be just fine regardless of how much advice you ignore you bloody loon
Our mutual friend has been truly amazing throughout all this, but I’m more than looking forward to your dodgy pancakes. Can I have rum instead of gin though? x "
Whatever you want cupcake you’re making the batter mofo!!! |
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By *ik M OP Man
over a year ago
Lancashire |
"I Fucking adore you and your honesty. My door, pancake supply and gin bar is always open to you. Some things open our eyes to the bigger picture. Covid has done this on an epic scale. Just know you will be just fine regardless of how much advice you ignore you bloody loon
Our mutual friend has been truly amazing throughout all this, but I’m more than looking forward to your dodgy pancakes. Can I have rum instead of gin though? x
Whatever you want cupcake you’re making the batter mofo!!! "
Deal  |
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