FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Only one of the couple wants a child.
Only one of the couple wants a child.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not sure what the solution would be...neither of us want kids thankfully.
I think it's unfair and irresponsible to have kids unless you want them, obviously shit happens sometimes and you make the best of it but I just think if you're not desperate to be a parent, don't try for kids...
Lu  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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depends whats the over riding feeling.. their love for each other or the priority of lifestyle
When dating i always made my views on children known early days.
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person."
Its the kind of discussion we had before things got serious.
Its much harder to try and have that discussion once you are in a long term relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I imagine this would be an exceptionally hard choice to make. If I was sure my partner was my soul mate I think I would be happy to take their point of view on a lot of things rather than loose them, without compromising my morals, beliefs or who I am as a person. When I comes to kids though I honestly dont know how I'd feel unless in that situation. |
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It's a relationship breaker because there isn't a compromise. One person has to live for ever with the consequences of something they didn't want to happen.
Having children is tough on a relationship and not having them if you really want them is too.
Luckily we both agreed on timing and number. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's definitely a hard one. I've never wanted kids, when I met my partner, her child was already nearly an adult. She can't have anymore either. We've done the whole what ifs and buts conversations, and both agreed if we met at different times, we'd probably have problem with this somewhere down the line. |
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person."
Sometimes you don't know what you don't know. My ex forced kids on me. Was the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm eternally greatful for that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person."
I’ve been there There‘s a 20 year gap between us I decided to leave I loved her still and by leaving set her free She now has a child and we still talk as friends all good.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Really tough choice here...
As any parent will tell you, having children changes you, and your life beyond your imagination. Wanting children is a natural instinct, but some don't feel it or suppress it.
I think it is wrong to try and force, correct or trick somebody into having a child. Equally, I think it is cruel to try and prevent somebody from having children.
This isn't really a compromise situation. If both parties cannot agree, then the only solution is to go your separate ways, as tough as that may be at the time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So nuanced in every case.
Opposite way round for me - ex wanted kids, I needed fertility treatment.
Ping ponged from repeatedly undergoing gruelling ivf, miscarriages, bad reactions to drugs, surgery complications etc. Being overwhelmed as each time he'd push me to try again. So resentment built. And then to thinking I should leave him so he could have kids with someone else.
One birth, one adopted. He found the adopted one hard work and threw himself into his job.
So in the end we split.
Kids are wonderful but also hard and change you.
I wouldn't like to give advice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We have a 35 year age gap + vasectomy so it was a discussion topic before we got serious, it had to be. But whilst we are at the extreme end of that equation surely all couples owe it to each other to plan for whatever futures they want in the early days of a relationship? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've just been through this.
5 1/2 year relationship. We both knew what the other wanted when we started seeing each other (she did, I didn't) but never say never?
I guess lockdown brought the whole family thing more to the forefront of our minds. We chatted about it, realised neither of us had changed our minds so, reluctantly, have agreed to go our separate ways. Not an easy decision to make but I want her to be happy and fulfil her dreams of being a Mum, so have to suck it up a little.
We're both still good friends though, neither if us has any malice towards the other, not do we regret the time we had together. But if only one person wants them then I think it's best to split early (earlier than I did!) rather than prolong it or feel trapped if it does happen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person."
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate"
By adding to it you are doing what? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I went through it a long time ago and made the choice to leave.
He wanted children I didn't.
I felt like I would never recover from it - but leaving turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.
I travelled the world for many years which was something really important to me.
He went on to meet someone else and have a family.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate"
Why? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate
By adding to it you are doing what?"
Letting them know it's inappropriate what are you doing here? On second thoughts don't answer that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate
Why?"
Because this is an adult site so children should not be discussed |
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By *angerineMan
over a year ago
somewhere inbetween the right and wrong |
I had this, made it clear that kids are not for me and she tried to make it work but in the end we decided that it wouldn't work either way and we parted ways after about 9 years.
She's now got three kids 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate
Why?
Because this is an adult site so children should not be discussed"
It is a part of a forum where everything is discussed.
It's not inappropriate at all.
You thinking of it being inappropriate speaks volumes. |
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate"
He's not encouraging chats about children as such. He's encouraging opinions on how couples might solve a situation in which one of them wanted children and the other didn't. That is in no way "about children" in the sense that you're implying |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate
Why?
Because this is an adult site so children should not be discussed
It is a part of a forum where everything is discussed.
It's not inappropriate at all.
You thinking of it being inappropriate speaks volumes."
Sure it does, Nice turnaround. I just don't think you should be discussing kids on an adult site but I'll leave you to it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate
He's not encouraging chats about children as such. He's encouraging opinions on how couples might solve a situation in which one of them wanted children and the other didn't. That is in no way "about children" in the sense that you're implying "
Thank you.
Common sense at last |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
This happened to us a long time ago, id just started uni and was building our first house and working nights in a call centre, and in all that Mrs wanted to start a family! I wanted to wait 5 years or so till we had money, but tbh diddnt really want kids. There’s 3 choices , give in to her , deny her what she wants or split up - easy choice for me , no choice really, and no regrets ! 3 amazing daughters it was tough but worth it, women are nearly always right ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sure it does, Nice turnaround. I just don't think you should be discussing kids on an adult site but I'll leave you to it"
Think about what you've actually said, and implied.
The OP was asking about how position of polar opposites in a relationship can be overcome. In this particular case, it is arguably one of the most powerful reasons to have a relationship. I thought it was an interesting and appropriate question.
On the other hand, you've somehow managed to imply a more perverse angle in it all. This may be a sex site, but in the forums, particularly the lounge section, all aspects of life are discussed. And it's great that people from all walks of life pile in and discuss diverse subjects.
You can learn a lot in here from peoples comments, just not necessarily about the subject they are commenting on. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not sure what the solution would be...neither of us want kids thankfully.
I think it's unfair and irresponsible to have kids unless you want them, obviously shit happens sometimes and you make the best of it but I just think if you're not desperate to be a parent, don't try for kids...
Lu "
Yes, it is a tricky one too. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"depends whats the over riding feeling.. their love for each other or the priority of lifestyle
When dating i always made my views on children known early days.
"
That is a good point, as it is always a good idea to be upfront to the partner of your wanting at the start of the relationship  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sure it does, Nice turnaround. I just don't think you should be discussing kids on an adult site but I'll leave you to it
Think about what you've actually said, and implied.
The OP was asking about how position of polar opposites in a relationship can be overcome. In this particular case, it is arguably one of the most powerful reasons to have a relationship. I thought it was an interesting and appropriate question.
On the other hand, you've somehow managed to imply a more perverse angle in it all. This may be a sex site, but in the forums, particularly the lounge section, all aspects of life are discussed. And it's great that people from all walks of life pile in and discuss diverse subjects.
You can learn a lot in here from peoples comments, just not necessarily about the subject they are commenting on."
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I would leave as I couldnt stay, Nothing worse than having an argument for it to be thrown in your face every time what you gave up for them.
As much as I couldnt have an affair with someone else just to have a child while im with someone else. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From a man's point of view if in a relationship you do not want children but your partner does you are going to lose.
If you go through with it the relationship will be weaker and after birth women can change towards their partners.
It's a very emotional time before,during and after for a woman and their feeling change because of depression and in some cases they feel less loved at the baby is getting all the attention.
What can happen is the man ends up having to leave the relationship and then has many years of financial support to provide for a child firstly he didn't want, secondly he now cannot get access too.
Aa a man you just can't win in this situation so you are always best making it clear no is final and if that causes problems it's best to go before the damage is done and your being slagged off all over Facebook and itv4. |
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person.
Always cringe when men encourage chats about children on here, It's inappropriate"
I think others have a lot of value to add. Given it takes the help of a male to make it happen. So maybe just change the channel if its not for you. |
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I've never wanted kids and thanks to a combination of hormonal issues and complications arising from an incomplete miscarriage in my 20s it's highly unlikely I'd be able to carry to term even if motherhood was something I desperately wanted.
It's not something where compromise is possible.
When I've been looking for a relationship I've been very open at an early stage that kids aren't for me, and I respect that some guys will choose not to get involved if they think they will want to be a father.
One of my ex-FWBs did think that our arrangement would develop into something more and that he could persuade me to have a child, but I am absolutely immovable on the subject. We split up after a few years and he is now living with someone and has the son he so desperately wanted. He's a good dad and I'm glad he has found happiness.
If it comes to a straight-up choice between having a child or losing a partner then I'll lose the partner. I'm not going to have a child I don't want for the sake of a relationship, any relationship, but I wouldn't expect someone to give up their chance of parenthood for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From a man's point of view if in a relationship you do not want children but your partner does you are going to lose.
If you go through with it the relationship will be weaker and after birth women can change towards their partners.
It's a very emotional time before,during and after for a woman and their feeling change because of depression and in some cases they feel less loved at the baby is getting all the attention.
What can happen is the man ends up having to leave the relationship and then has many years of financial support to provide for a child firstly he didn't want, secondly he now cannot get access too.
Aa a man you just can't win in this situation so you are always best making it clear no is final and if that causes problems it's best to go before the damage is done and your being slagged off all over Facebook and itv4."
This is wrong on so many levels.
Firstly, if your partner wants children and you don't, and you know you never will, then just leave. It prevents all the problems you describe later.
Relationships change after childbirth, and that's how it should be. Being a parent means putting the child, or children's needs before your own. Men can change too, it's not all about women.
I'm a father. I don't think I'm unique in saying that when each of my children were born, my feelings changed on pretty much everything. Men have emotions too, not just women.
My relationship didn't last with my children's mother. I'm glad, and so are my children. I have sole residency. I'm chasing her for financial support. You appear to have a very outdated view of the world, or you're spending too much time on mumsnet, which is the paramilitary division of the WI.
Here we actually agree, although partially. If there is an imbalance, then leaving is the best option. For him, for her, and any yet created children. It is wrong for one person to hold onto a relationship if the other party wants children and they don't. When the option to have children is no longer there, a huge amount of resentment will be. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I found out my partner didn’t want children or had changed his mind on having children we’d break up.
Not because he didn’t want children, but because he’d been telling me for our whole relationship he wanted a family with me, just to change the whole dynamic of our relationship? Nah, that would be a relationship breaker on so many levels. |
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By *elloWoman
over a year ago
alpha centauri |
I was with my partner - who I didn't live with - for 5 years.
He didn't want children but I did so I had a child using a sperm donor and my partner is now my fwb it's a compromise that has worked very well |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As controversial as it sounds, I'm not sure men would have children if they were honest. I may be completely wrong."
My ex did it was the reason we split up.
Maybe I'm a man |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As controversial as it sounds, I'm not sure men would have children if they were honest. I may be completely wrong."
I think the fact that the woman does the pregnancy and delivery bit and then is (usually) the main care giver for the next 18+ years and that men (usually) mainly get to do all the nice, fun stuff with the kids sways them towards wanting children. If the shoe were on the other foot I think many (not all) would have a different outlook or there would at least be a higher number of one child families  |
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"As controversial as it sounds, I'm not sure men would have children if they were honest. I may be completely wrong.
My ex did it was the reason we split up.
Maybe I'm a man "
Me too!
Certainly explains my facial hair... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As controversial as it sounds, I'm not sure men would have children if they were honest. I may be completely wrong.
My ex did it was the reason we split up.
Maybe I'm a man
Me too!
Certainly explains my facial hair... "
 I'm aiming to be the mad old childless spinster in my later years with the Poirot like moustache  |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"As controversial as it sounds, I'm not sure men would have children if they were honest. I may be completely wrong."
I think they do but often want them a bit later in life than some women. I would love a couple more now everything is sorted and could afford a nanny and cleaner but Mrs says she done lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" I'm aiming to be the mad old childless spinster in my later years with the Poirot like moustache "
Start your preparations today by getting a few cats... |
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The woman I fell totally in love with, didn’t want children I accepted that for a while but knew in the long term it wouldn’t work out.
Eventually met my Wife and we had two boys and I absolutely love being a Dad (although divorced now).
She married and has cats  but I think we both know our relationship would’ve carried on, if she did want to be a Mother.
It’s one of my biggest decisions not to carry on the relationship and I suffered afterwards, drinking heavily and gambling to try and get over her. But now a bit older and wiser glad I did, she’s happy for me as well as she knew how soft I was around kids and always wanted some of my own.
No regrets life’s to short and I have two wonderful boys  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's a relationship breaker because there isn't a compromise. One person has to live for ever with the consequences of something they didn't want to happen.
Having children is tough on a relationship and not having them if you really want them is too.
Luckily we both agreed on timing and number. "
You are right there as there are no compromise on it unless they change their mind about it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What an awful position to be in. The love of your life or children! I would probably choose to have children...couldn't see my life without them."
Yes it is not a good position to be in to choose between the two there.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was with my partner - who I didn't live with - for 5 years.
He didn't want children but I did so I had a child using a sperm donor and my partner is now my fwb it's a compromise that has worked very well "
That is also a good solution to it as well |
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I think things like that are pretty much deal breakers. I'm always pretty open about the fact I'm not interested in marriage and children. Unfortunately many have pretended to agree but just hoped I'd change my mind eventually. An ex told me as we split up that he'd planned to propose to me. It just cemented to mpe that we wanted different things and splitting up was for the best. |
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By *yrdsisWoman
over a year ago
Gleam Street |
For me its always been a deal breaker... started early on.
I can't bear the thought of small people and I would never have put that limit on a partner.
Luckily...me and the OH met in our 40's.. pressure is now off |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw an interesting debate about it of how when some meet only the one of the couple wants a child but not the other one, they love eachother but the one who wanted a child had a hard decision to make, to stay or go, have you encounterd that problem, what would be the solution to this? The host of the program didnt know it either, all I can guess is that it have to be a really tough decision to make from that person."
Kids. Every time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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People make jokes about people who discuss children early on but I think it is important to not waste the other persons time.
I have 2, im not having another, so if someone hasnt had them then I will ask them straight up |
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