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Dirty Jokes

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

[Removed by poster at 18/08/20 16:48:22]

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

I'll start with one I heard last night in work,

What's the difference between pubic hair and Brussels sprouts,,

Nothing

Just brush them aside and keep on eating,,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

"
well give me your best clean 1 so

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you.""
lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Chewing Gum!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What are the three shortest words in the English language?

Is it in?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check?

Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the leper say to the sex worker?

Keep the tip.

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

well give me your best clean 1 so"

Errmmmm OMG. I’m kinda gone blank.

I’m so much funnier in person!

Just asked my daughter.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dunup

Dunup who?

.........

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

Dear Linda Letter,,

Dear linda

Yesterday while cleaning the upstairs bathroom I noticed my neighbours wife and sister sunbathing in the garden gen next door toppless, amazing sight. So I decided to have a quick wank,

Just as I was finishing up I noticed my wife standing behind me looking cross, Linda

Does this mean my wife is a pervert,

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her

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By *B69Woman over a year ago

Wiltshire

What’s the difference between love and lust

Spit or swallow

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

well give me your best clean 1 so

Errmmmm OMG. I’m kinda gone blank.

I’m so much funnier in person!

Just asked my daughter.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dunup

Dunup who?

.........

OK Lexi

Think u may sit this one out, lol

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"What’s the difference between love and lust

Spit or swallow"
hmmmmmmm

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Seasonal one... why is Santa's sack so full?

He only comes once year

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her

"
better

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

well give me your best clean 1 so

Errmmmm OMG. I’m kinda gone blank.

I’m so much funnier in person!

Just asked my daughter.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dunup

Dunup who?

.........

OK Lexi

Think u may sit this one out, lol"

I’m just warming up!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her

better"

See

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome,

I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

well give me your best clean 1 so

Errmmmm OMG. I’m kinda gone blank.

I’m so much funnier in person!

Just asked my daughter.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dunup

Dunup who?

.........

OK Lexi

Think u may sit this one out, lol

I’m just warming up!!!

"
ohh jesus,, lol

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome,

I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome."

Ha!! This tickled me!

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome,

I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome."
lol

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

well give me your best clean 1 so

Errmmmm OMG. I’m kinda gone blank.

I’m so much funnier in person!

Just asked my daughter.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dunup

Dunup who?

.........

OK Lexi

Think u may sit this one out, lol

I’m just warming up!!!

ohh jesus,, lol"

Just humour me

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

well give me your best clean 1 so

Errmmmm OMG. I’m kinda gone blank.

I’m so much funnier in person!

Just asked my daughter.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dunup

Dunup who?

.........

OK Lexi

Think u may sit this one out, lol

I’m just warming up!!!

ohh jesus,, lol

Just humour me

Of course,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"I don’t think I know any dirty ones.......

well give me your best clean 1 so

Errmmmm OMG. I’m kinda gone blank.

I’m so much funnier in person!

Just asked my daughter.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dunup

Dunup who?

.........

OK Lexi

Think u may sit this one out, lol

I’m just warming up!!!

ohh jesus,, lol

Just humour me

Of course, "

I am definitely funnier in person

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”

“Yeah, that’s the one!”

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”"

Omg!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. – Then the librarian told me to take it out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

a boy walks in on his mother riding his father. “What are you doing?”, the boys asks his mother. “I’m jumping on daddy to make him thin”,said the mother. Don’t bother", said the boy," when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Three men are travelling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, suddenly they stumble across a tent and inside is three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny too so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince and these three women were his wives so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is: The guy says, "I’m a fireman" The prince says, "Then we’ll burn your dick off!" The second guy says, "I’m an employee at the shooting range" The prince says, "Then we’ll shoot your dick off!" The third guy smiles and says, "I’m a lollipop salesman

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tits are like Lego bricks. They’re there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"I'll start with one I heard last night in work,

What's the difference between pubic hair and Brussels sprouts,,

Nothing

Just brush them aside and keep on eating,,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Three men are travelling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, suddenly they stumble across a tent and inside is three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny too so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince and these three women were his wives so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is: The guy says, "I’m a fireman" The prince says, "Then we’ll burn your dick off!" The second guy says, "I’m an employee at the shooting range" The prince says, "Then we’ll shoot your dick off!" The third guy smiles and says, "I’m a lollipop salesman"

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

Skydrol I can’t actually cope with you!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why did cinderella get kicked out of disney land because she sat on Pinocchios face and said lie bastatd lie

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber."

There's no stopping you when you get going!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.

I was in the women’s toilets

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did frosty pull down his pants?

He heard the snowblower coming.

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Skydrol I can’t actually cope with you!!!

I too am chucking

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Skydrol I can’t actually cope with you!!!

I too am chucking

Im glad I made you laugh

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do skeletons have sex?

They bone each other.

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

"Skydrol I can’t actually cope with you!!!

I too am chucking

Literally howling!!!

Tenner lady needs changing!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. “I have something to confess,” said the shy wife. The husband then said, “Whatever it is, I will still love.” The wife then said "Honey, I flat chested. The husband said, “It’s okay, I’m a baby down there anyways.” He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex. The next day, the wife said “I thought you were a baby down there.” The husband then said “I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds.”

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By *elle xWoman over a year ago

Doire Theas

What’s the difference between a g spot and a golf ball?

Men will actually search for a golf ball

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The furniture store keeps calling me back… But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"What’s the difference between a g spot and a golf ball?

Men will actually search for a golf ball

Amen sister

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does a pizza delivery man and a ginacologist have in common?

They can both smell it but they can’t eat it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What’s the difference between a g spot and a golf ball?

Men will actually search for a golf ball

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"What does a pizza delivery man and a ginacologist have in common?

They can both smell it but they can’t eat it"

That's so bad

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’m done now, apologies if anyone was offended

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"I’m done now, apologies if anyone was offended "

You did a great job..I needed a laugh after a long day..nice one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I’m done now, apologies if anyone was offended

You did a great job..I needed a laugh after a long day..nice one

I’m glad you enjoyed them

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By *ackformore100Man over a year ago

Tin town

"What’s the difference between a g spot and a golf ball?

Men will actually search for a golf ball

Only for 3 minutes now..

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"I’m done now, apologies if anyone was offended "
na man they were brillant, can't see anyone on here being offended by any of em,

Great job,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I’m done now, apologies if anyone was offended na man they were brillant, can't see anyone on here being offended by any of em,

Great job, "

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman over a year ago

On a mooch

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman over a year ago

On a mooch

What does a cock and a Rubik’s cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman over a year ago

On a mooch

What did the O say to the Q?

Hey your dick is hanging out

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By *orraine999Woman over a year ago

Somewhere

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss "

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them.""
ahh lol, jesus,, lol

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss "
lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Carrot, Pickle, & Penis A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar. The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

What's the difference between love, lust and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

Why is a woman like a KFC?

When you've finished the breast and the thigh all you're left with is a greasy box to put your bone in

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s finger.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Having sex while camping is fucking in-tents.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can’t peanut butter my dick up your ass

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I walked into a room full of men masturbating. – They all looked shocked when I didn’t stop.

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

Man..What's the difference between jam and jelly ?

Woman.. I don't know, what is the difference between jam and jelly ?

Man.. I can't jelly my cock up your arse

Sorry I'll get my coat

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

"Man..What's the difference between jam and jelly ?

Woman.. I don't know, what is the difference between jam and jelly ?

Man.. I can't jelly my cock up your arse

Sorry I'll get my coat

Lol didn't see the peanut one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You wanna hear a joke about my penis

Never mind it’s to long

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

What's brown and sticky ?

Anal sex

Or if they say anal sex, you say dirty bast..d it's a stick

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

What's green and smells like pork ?

Kermit's finger

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What is long and hard and full of seemen.

A submarine

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

why did the zookeeper lose his job?

for choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

whats long hard and has cum in it?

a cucumber

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's long and hard and has the letters P E N I S in it?

Spine

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"What's long and hard and has the letters P E N I S in it?

Spine "
your d*unk, go home lol

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"What's the difference between love, lust and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling"

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By * Lexi xWoman over a year ago

stockport

I can’t believe your still going!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"I can’t believe your still going!!!

Yew.... They have been great aint they

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I can’t believe your still going!!!

Yew.... They have been great aint they

It beats being ignored on the other thread

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

By the taste

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them"
ahh lol, and holiday home on the other side of the continent, don't for forget that 1, lol

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

By the taste"
ahh lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?

Married.

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By *naquest321Man over a year ago

Carlisle

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg!

Old ones are the best

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your cock

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your cock"

Oh now that's a naughty one, true though.

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By *oberts_onMan over a year ago

King's Lynn

"A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream.""

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

Because he wanted to find a tight seal

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My cheeks are aching.

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

What's the one thing worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

Finding a blue vein in your hot dog

I have other jokes FAR too offensive to post on here - they will get me banned - but if you PM me....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box."

Brilliant!

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

Heard about the new addition to the range, Divorced Barbie?

She comes with all of Ken's accessories

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”"

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

Love the thread thanks for the laughs and groans

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

Brilliant....I laughed

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

That’s it all I’m done for the night, nice to know you’ve had a laugh

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By *wist my nipplesCouple over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

"That’s it all I’m done for the night, nice to know you’ve had a laugh

Nun and bus joke is the winner! Bloody hilarious

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cheers you lot, been chuckling away

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Tom and Harry fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them.

Tom goes off and buys a sausage.

Harry says are You mad?

Now we're skint!

Come on says Tom "follow Me"

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay.

Tom shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Harry to get down on his Knee's and suck it.

The Barman go's berserk and throws them out.....

10 pubs and 10 pints later Harry says....

'I cant do this any more, my Knee's are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think i feel?

Says Tom, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!? ??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office.

The doctor says to her

"What's wrong, why don't you want to have sex with your husband?"

"Oh, that's easily explained." the wife says. "For the past six months, I've been taking a cab to work every morning.

Well, I don't have any money.

The cab driver asks me, "Are you going to pay today, or what?"

So, I take an 'or what'.

"Then, when I get to work, she continues, I'm late, so the boss asks me, are we going to write this down in the book, or what?"

So, I take an 'or what'

I take a cab to go home after work and as usual, I have no money.

The cab driver asks me again,

"So, are you going to pay this time?

or what?"

Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore.

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor.

"So, are we going to tell your husband??

or what?"

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By *ax TongueticklerMan over a year ago

london

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They put the willies up each other

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls?

A white Christmas.

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

Copper patrolling the local red light zone around midnight one night chances upon a young boy. He says, "What are you doing here, son?"

"I've come to see one of the ladies of the night" says the kid.

"How old are you?" asks the cop

"Twelve" says the kid

"Why do you want to see one of the ladies of the night?"

"Because I want to catch a disease" says the kid

"Do you know what this disease is called?" asks the cop

"Two. It's called pox"

The copper is confused, and says "Why on earth, at twelve years of age, would you want to catch the pox?"

The kid replies, "Because I'm going to go home, and I'm going to fuck the au pair girl and she's going to get it. She's going to fucky old man, he's going to get it. He's going to fuck my old a dy, she's going to get. She's going to fuck the gardener, he's going to get it, and he's the cunt I'm after 'cause he killed my fucking frog!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

What do you call a French lion tamer?

Claude Balls

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why did snow White get kicked out from Disney?

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said lie you bustard!

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

Scientists have discovered a foodstuff that reduces a woman's sex drive by over 90%

It's called wedding cake

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

After sex last night with my new girlfriend, she snuggled up to me and said, your the biggest I've ever had!

Apparently saying "ditto" wasn't the best answer

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts his hand up and says"G"

The teacher says, Why is that, Angus?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, I've always wanted to be handcuffed.

So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line...

I nearly shit her pants!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So, my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless today....

Just wish his wife would do the same

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mate down the allotment swears by horse manure on his rhubarb...

Personally,I much prefer custard!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just showing some appreciation so you know we're still reading these

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

During a safety meeting at work, I was asked "what steps would you take in the event of a fire?

"Really big ones!" Was apparently not the right answer

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My neighbour just got arrested for growing marijuana.

I guess my boundary isn't where I thought it was!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mum invited us round for lunch.

Got to the car and it had a flat.

I phoned mum and said that I would be late as my girlfriend had a puncture.

She replied"oh son, I thought you had a real one this time!

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By *helsea69400Couple over a year ago

CHICHESTER

Wot do you a deaf gynaecologist

A lip reader!!

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By *he Ambassador OP Man over a year ago

IRLANDA. / Prague. / Cil Dara

"Wot do you a deaf gynaecologist

A lip reader!!"
lol

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Tom and Harry fancy a Pint but only have a euro between them.

Tom goes off and buys a sausage.

Harry says are You mad?

Now we're skint!

Come on says Tom "follow Me"

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay.

Tom shoves the Sausage through the zipper of his Jeans and tells Harry to get down on his Knee's and suck it.

The Barman go's berserk and throws them out.....

10 pubs and 10 pints later Harry says....

'I cant do this any more, my Knee's are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think i feel?

Says Tom, I can't even remember which Pub I lost the Sausage in!? ??

Love it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What did the elephant ask the naked man?

How do you breathe out of that thing?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does a horny frog say?

Rub it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a d*unk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the d*unk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the d*unk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the d*unk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're d*unk.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?" And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass."

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By *lbinoGorillaMan over a year ago

Redditch

A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by going back to the same hotel that they spent their wedding night in.

As they're unpacking and getting settled in, the wife asks the husband if he thinks anything will be different this time round.

He thinks for a moment and says, "I think this time round it's likely to be me standing at the bottom of the bed saying 'It's too big!!'"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan over a year ago

Sussex

What's the connection between American root beer and having sex in a canoe?

They're both f**cking close to water.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Three grannies at a bus stop and a naked streaker runs past waving his cock at them.

The first granny has a stroke,

The second granny has a stroke

But the third one can’t reach.

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