FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > I hate myself for having feelings for a friend

I hate myself for having feelings for a friend

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And I feel like a fucking idiot for telling her I do. They're real feelings, I genuinely like her, I always have, but when we met maybe 7 years ago she was in a relationship and I never said anything. Then I got into one and I buried those feelings.

But after I told her that I liked her they came back twice as hard, but she only sees me as a good friend. I think voicing my feelings about her has made them more real and I can't bury them again.

I really really like her and care about her, I would jump at the opportunity to go out with her, but this is killing me. It's like how I felt when my ex left me.

I know that I might have to cut her off, but I don't want to lose her as a friend. She said it isn't awkward for her and she's glad I told her, but I just wish I kept it to myself.

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By *uge G RectionMan over a year ago

where I like to be... down south

I know that feeling and as hard as it seems right now you might want to think of cutting her off

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By *uge G RectionMan over a year ago

where I like to be... down south

"I know that feeling and as hard as it seems right now you might want to think of cutting her off "

Nothing worse than being friend zoned

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's out now though E Man - you can't take it back.

Don't hate yourself for telling her though. It's a brave thing to do - even if she doesn't feel the same. You've faced up to your feelings and that was the right thing to do.

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By *agneto.Man over a year ago

Bham

It's like ripping off a plaster, yes it will hurt but you will get over it.

If you didn't tell her, you'd be harbouring feelings, wasting your life pining after her who was oblivious.

It will feel like a loss as you cant have her but you will grow to accept that and be better for moving on.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

No. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It’s a fucking annoying saying but it’s true.

Time is a great healer.

Take some time away from her and maybe put your efforts into finding someone who does see you as relationship material.

You’re worth more than being constantly sad for something you can’t have

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By *moothCriminal_xMan over a year ago

Redditch

"And I feel like a fucking idiot for telling her I do. They're real feelings, I genuinely like her, I always have, but when we met maybe 7 years ago she was in a relationship and I never said anything. Then I got into one and I buried those feelings.

But after I told her that I liked her they came back twice as hard, but she only sees me as a good friend. I think voicing my feelings about her has made them more real and I can't bury them again.

I really really like her and care about her, I would jump at the opportunity to go out with her, but this is killing me. It's like how I felt when my ex left me.

I know that I might have to cut her off, but I don't want to lose her as a friend. She said it isn't awkward for her and she's glad I told her, but I just wish I kept it to myself."

Been there done that. Turns out she was an awful person anyway and cheated on her husband for a year with a bloke she then shacked up with wjen she got kicked out. Id been unaware and just had been trying to get her through a tough time and had even told her tonspend more time with her husband as she seemed to be avoidin him and acting weird, flirting with me etc... i told her how i felt and she pretended she hadnt known but they always do.

When it all came out inwas so disgusted by it it broke the spell.

I guess my point is look at how she treats you and think about how much she actually respects and cares for you. Its probably the case that you arent shit to her.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Y
"No. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her"

Honestly I was immediately taken by her. The feelings grew ovee time, yeah, but when we first met I thought she's my dream girl, but she was in a relationship so she was unobtainable. I wasn't gonna do something to break it up. I just left it and buried them.

But since they broke up I got thinking if there's even a one perfect chance she feels the same, I have to take it. I didn't wanna live the rest of my life in regret. But now I'm thinking its preferable to the alternative.

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By *moothCriminal_xMan over a year ago

Redditch

"YNo. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her

I suggest reading the wiki entry on Limerence

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Unrequited love is fucking painful. Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is ok to feel those feelings it is also really important to feel the loss of the dream and experience the sadness. Working through those feelings can really help you to let go and move on.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Yy
"And I feel like a fucking idiot for telling her I do. They're real feelings, I genuinely like her, I always have, but when we met maybe 7 years ago she was in a relationship and I never said anything. Then I got into one and I buried those feelings.

But after I told her that I liked her they came back twice as hard, but she only sees me as a good friend. I think voicing my feelings about her has made them more real and I can't bury them again.

I really really like her and care about her, I would jump at the opportunity to go out with her, but this is killing me. It's like how I felt when my ex left me.

I know that I might have to cut her off, but I don't want to lose her as a friend. She said it isn't awkward for her and she's glad I told her, but I just wish I kept it to myself.

When it all came out inwas so disgusted by it it broke the spell.

I guess my point is look at how she treats you and think about how much she actually respects and cares for you. Its probably the case that you arent shit to her."

I think she does care about me because when I broke up with my ex a big group of us went on a night out and she was the only one who really tried to cheer me up. They all knew, but she sat with me and talked to me the most.

But its obvious she only did that as one friend trying to cheer up another and I even knew that back then. She's always been really nice to me, she's never treat me in a bad way.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"YNo. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her

I suggest reading the wiki entry on Limerence"
Good call

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By *abasaurus RexMan over a year ago

Gloucestershire

You did a really hard and brave thing mate. Don’t hate yourself! Squashing those feelings wouldn’t do any good for you either, much better to find out if it’s mutual and deal with whatever happens.

It’s a difficult thing to do now, but you might want to put some real distance between you both. Give yourself the space to breathe and work through it.

Being just friends again will only be possible after you’ve genuinely moved on.

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By *hilliandspiceMan over a year ago

Wimborne

"YNo. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her

If she doesn't see you as a boyfriend it may be also because she wants you as a friend without the sex side messing it up.

You have been honest, that is the right first step. Just be the best friend that you can and if anything else blossoms it will be because she wants it to.

If nothing, you have a good friendship. That's something amazing.

Good luck with whatever happens.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"YNo. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her

I suggest reading the wiki entry on Limerence"

Fuck. That was... Yeah, I recognised a lot of that in myself. I get heart palpitations when I think about her and did act shy around her. Fuck me, this has depressed me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If I were the girl and I didn't feel the same about you, I think I would distance myself from you... Not to be horrible but to hopefully make it easier for you. I'd not turn my back on you obviously but I'd be as open as you've been and tell you why I was doing it then hopefully after a time we could be closer again.... Like someone said above, you're worth more. Xx

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By *oxychicWoman over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

"YyAnd I feel like a fucking idiot for telling her I do. They're real feelings, I genuinely like her, I always have, but when we met maybe 7 years ago she was in a relationship and I never said anything. Then I got into one and I buried those feelings.

But after I told her that I liked her they came back twice as hard, but she only sees me as a good friend. I think voicing my feelings about her has made them more real and I can't bury them again.

I really really like her and care about her, I would jump at the opportunity to go out with her, but this is killing me. It's like how I felt when my ex left me.

I know that I might have to cut her off, but I don't want to lose her as a friend. She said it isn't awkward for her and she's glad I told her, but I just wish I kept it to myself.

When it all came out inwas so disgusted by it it broke the spell.

I guess my point is look at how she treats you and think about how much she actually respects and cares for you. Its probably the case that you arent shit to her.

But its obvious she only did that as one friend trying to cheer up another and I even knew that back then. She's always been really nice to me, she's never treat me in a bad way."
she prob does care but from a friends point of view, and nothing more

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By *nliveneTV/TS over a year ago

Selby

"YNo. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her

If she doesn't see you as a boyfriend it may be also because she wants you as a friend without the sex side messing it up.

You have been honest, that is the right first step. Just be the best friend that you can and if anything else blossoms it will be because she wants it to.

If nothing, you have a good friendship. That's something amazing.

Good luck with whatever happens.

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By *moothCriminal_xMan over a year ago

Redditch

"YNo. It's a good lesson for you.

You made a good choice

You shouldn't hold it in and conceal it

Don't take it to heart

Move on

You can be just friends with other women but if you like someone like that then you tell them and detach yourself emotionally from the fallout.

It was better to say it and loose a friend rather than have a friendship based on a lie.

....you must have slowly developed a likeing for her

I suggest reading the wiki entry on Limerence

Fuck. That was... Yeah, I recognised a lot of that in myself. I get heart palpitations when I think about her and did act shy around her. Fuck me, this has depressed me."

Ive been there. There isnt really a way through it other than time, distance, and finding someone new. I wrecked my head and from 25-35 on the object of my affection. It sent me almost mad. I was lucky i found out she was secretly an awful person and it numbed a lot of the feelings i had. If youve told her how you feel thats all you can do.

I have rules- i unfollowed on social media (not unfriended but muted her) and i never message her unless she messages me. Which she rarely does now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This just happened to me but with a FWB.

It didnt go my way but I decided the friendship was worth keeping.

So withdrew the benefits and will work just on the friendship.

In the healing time, keep yourself distracted and rememeber, what makes you bad makes you better

Focus your attentions on finding someone who will want you back just as much

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"This just happened to me but with a FWB.

It didnt go my way but I decided the friendship was worth keeping.

So withdrew the benefits and will work just on the friendship.

In the healing time, keep yourself distracted and rememeber, what makes you bad makes you better

Focus your attentions on finding someone who will want you back just as much"

I have tried to meet other people for the past two years, but I've had no luck. I've either been blanked which happens, so I'm not too fussed about that or got on really well with someone and then been lied to.

The last person I was talking to told me that I was what they wanted, then a few days later said they can't love themselves let alone anyone else, a few weeks later they're in a relationship. It's just made me feel a bit jaded and like I'm just here as a cosmic punching bag. I'm pretty unlucky when it comes to love.

I still message people on Pof, just not as much as I used to.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"But now I'm thinking its preferable to the alternative."

It's not.

You improve emotionally due to these things.

You should go join a group activity and form New connections. You should go on dateing websight etc...

You should meet someone new or do something to distract you from it.

You don't want to be her friend. You can't be her friend. It's better for you not to be her friend.

Once something simmilar happened to me. It changed me and made me more mature. My friendships with women are more genuine now. I would always avoid being friends with a woman I felt a strong connection to who I was attracted to/didn't know i was attracted to her.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We have all been there in some way. I know someone on here iv had feelings for, for years. But at the end of the day you dont only love and care for someone if they love and care for you too. It's a shame to lose a friendship if it's as close and special as it sounds

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Breaking up with my ex was hard, but walking away from this girl might be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. I don't think I've ever felt this sad before. It feels different to the sadness I felt during the breakup.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Breaking up with my ex was hard, but walking away from this girl might be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. I don't think I've ever felt this sad before. It feels different to the sadness I felt during the breakup. "

Then why do it?

Grow a pair and stay friends, or the friendship cant have been much to begin with.

Just because you cant have her as a gf doesnt mean you cant keep her as a friend.

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By *moothCriminal_xMan over a year ago

Redditch

"But now I'm thinking its preferable to the alternative.

It's not.

You improve emotionally due to these things.

You should go join a group activity and form New connections. You should go on dateing websight etc...

You should meet someone new or do something to distract you from it.

You don't want to be her friend. You can't be her friend. It's better for you not to be her friend.

Fully agree. I have female friends who i have deep platonic love for but if i find something more developing i distance myself and follownmy rules as best i can. My experience changed me. Im 37 amd robbee myself of 10 years with my bullshit and i cant afford that any more.

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By *agneto.Man over a year ago

Bham

Then why do it?

Grow a pair and stay friends, or the friendship cant have been much to begin with.

Just because you cant have her as a gf doesnt mean you cant keep her as a friend."

Exactly. But don't still be pining for her. Sort your head out and be a friend. Don't be her friend thinking one day she'll change her mind.

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By *hilliandspiceMan over a year ago

Wimborne

And the OP jumps ship, guess he didn't like the advice.

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By *moothCriminal_xMan over a year ago

Redditch

Then why do it?

Grow a pair and stay friends, or the friendship cant have been much to begin with.

Just because you cant have her as a gf doesnt mean you cant keep her as a friend."

Noooo. Sort of. You wont move on if you stay as close with her. It isnt that you were friends with her only because of fancying her - the attraction just grew and grew and now it is overwhelming your life. You can still have her as a peripheral friend but you should minimise time spent with her

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By *iddlesticksMan over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

"And the OP jumps ship, guess he didn't like the advice.

Who was it?

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By *obbychickWoman over a year ago

Essex

Awww the OP left

I do hope he’s ok.

Heart break is never easy but time definitely does heal you, whether it’s just learning to accept what is or finding someone new who takes that spot.

I personally believe he did the right thing in telling her how he felt.

Holding these kind of feelings in only ends up eating at you.

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By *moothCriminal_xMan over a year ago

Redditch

"Awww the OP left

I do hope he’s ok.

Heart break is never easy but time definitely does heal you, whether it’s just learning to accept what is or finding someone new who takes that spot.

I personally believe he did the right thing in telling her how he felt.

Holding these kind of feelings in only ends up eating at you.

Agreed. When i told my friend how i felt i knew it would basically end the friendshio and that she already knew but infelt it had to be done to allow me to move on. I was a wreck and was in floods of tears. Lost a stone in weight the 2 weeks before intold her and was massively depressed. She didnt really respond at all except a vague discomfort and silence. Told me all i needed to know!

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