One of the most common things we get asked is if we're dom or sub
We see such things on other people's profiles.
We don't get it. Neither of us has any desire to dominate anybody or submit to anybody. Everybody is equal. We don't want to change that. We don't want to degrade anybody or be degraded by anybody. We don't want to give or receive verbal abuse. We don't want to do anything anybody doesn't want to do, even pretending. We just want everybody to enjoy themselves.
The first time I (Luke) went to a club I was asked if I was a dom or a sub and I didn't know what they wshe was talking about. She said it sounds like I'm a switch. Now I know a bit more about it, I'd say I'm not even on that scale. It's not relevant to me.
Are we alone in this? Does anybody else have zero interest in that dynamic? It seems so prevalent. |
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By *erces LetiferMan
over a year ago
Somewhere off the edge of the map... 'ere there be monsters |
Yes, me and the wife were at a fetish play party once, both of use newbies and just curious about exploring the vast, vast array of possible dishes on the buffet table, as it were. This Domly Dom of a man came up to use and was chatting about all the awesome skills he has and all the fantastic experience he'd collected on the scene, asked us; "So, which one of you is the sadist?" We - neither of us having much interest in sadomasochism at all - looked at each other and said "Neither".
He looked confused. So he followed up with; "But... okay. So, which one of you is the masochist, then?" Again we looked at each other and then at him and said "Neither". The look of bewilderment on his face was so funny. You could see the gears grinding furiously behind his eyes to no avail, he simply couldn't comprehend the thought that someone might be into BDSM yet not just that one, specific, narrow part that he clearly favoured (the SM part).
It was so funny. |
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For me it depends who I am playing with. With some people it is very equal but certain people who have more dominant personalities I do want to submit to and get a lot of enjoyment out of being that way.
Mrs x |
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This is an interesting subject, I am naturally assertive but do not dominate my sexual partners. However In my kink play he will submit his body to me knowing he can trust me not to hurt him in wax play for instance, I suppose there are so many differing levels of bdsm and kink.
On a vanilla sexual meet then its power play, when you find someone and the sex is just fluid, flowing rapidly and evenly both seeking and taking pleasure from each other and you both mutually orgasm, rather than her first then him
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"Yes, me and the wife were at a fetish play party once, both of use newbies and just curious about exploring the vast, vast array of possible dishes on the buffet table, as it were. This Domly Dom of a man came up to use and was chatting about all the awesome skills he has and all the fantastic experience he'd collected on the scene, asked us; "So, which one of you is the sadist?" We - neither of us having much interest in sadomasochism at all - looked at each other and said "Neither".
He looked confused. So he followed up with; "But... okay. So, which one of you is the masochist, then?" Again we looked at each other and then at him and said "Neither". The look of bewilderment on his face was so funny. You could see the gears grinding furiously behind his eyes to no avail, he simply couldn't comprehend the thought that someone might be into BDSM yet not just that one, specific, narrow part that he clearly favoured (the SM part).
It was so funny."
Ahhh the uber Dom in his natural habitat  . |
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By *kiolo1Couple
over a year ago
Whitland |
"This is an interesting subject, I am naturally assertive but do not dominate my sexual partners. However In my kink play he will submit his body to me knowing he can trust me not to hurt him in wax play for instance, I suppose there are so many differing levels of bdsm and kink.
On a vanilla sexual meet then its power play, when you find someone and the sex is just fluid, flowing rapidly and evenly both seeking and taking pleasure from each other and you both mutually orgasm, rather than her first then him
"
We take this approach too, nothing planned in advance - just going with what feels right in the moment and taking turns being Dom or sub.
I (Mrs) have yet to experience mutual orgasms, literally at the same time though. Something to aim for .   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To me, the dom/sub dynamic is a massive, massive turnoff. I feel exactly like you do.
And I always get asked whether I am a sub or a domme...  "
I feel the same way. I just like it to flow and feel natural (which I know is not always the case).
It's the same as top/bottom/switch in the male gay/bi 'world'. I would say none of them because it would depend on the person, the mood, the situation/atmosphere. |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
I get a lot of submissive guys message me, i think it’s because i appear a bit bolshy. And i’m tall. And i look like i could crush nuts one handed. But i’m not dominant, just bossy.
I don’t go in for dominant men either. I like sexually assertive men, who take the lead and make the first move in a Rhett Butler kind of way.
But otherwise. No. It’s not for me. And my experience has been that that sort of dynamic makes the sexual experience selfish to the person who has the kink.
I don’t want to have to jump through hoops to get the cock thanks. Just bloody well give it to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Long before Niki and I got together I was with a girl who wanted me to be a Dom. I knew nothing about it, but wanting to please her, went away and read up as much about it as I could.
Ultimately I decided I couldn’t give her what she wanted, the level of care, responsibility, effort,
Dedication and attention The role needed was something I just couldn’t sign up for, and we split up because of it.
It’s this knowledge that makes me laugh at so many people who claim to be a Dom, as clearly, very few actually know what the role entails and what the true meaning of that Dom sub relationship is. |
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I think dynamics in bdsm only excentuate what's common to almost all relationships. One party (often the man) leads or asserts how things should be done. Not that things aren't discussed and certainly both sides are to be happy about however sex is done, but usually the woman will want the man to take the lead.
Just this is taken to more of an extreme in bdsm and given names, titles, roles and acted out in a more extreme way.
However the concept of the dynamic and the underlying psychological urge to engage in it, is found in the core of human relationships.
So I think it's the naming and labeling that's of little interest to you but really the dynamics exist everywhere in most cases.
Also there's a big difference between a a lady with a strong character and a sub. The two are not dependant on each other and often quite the opposite, women with the strongest characters relish the escape of being submissive. |
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