Sorry in advance for the heavy nature of this post. Looking for an alternative point of view, not begging for sympathy and not being an a**hole.
Been married for 21 years now. Wife has lost her sex drive completely and we have had no sexual contact at all for 5 years. She says she loves me but never seems comfortable if I even hug her.
I have suggested she talk to a doctor or someone else but she won’t because she says she doesn’t trust doctors and she won’t even talk to me about it. Can’t see the situation changing.
What would you do/anyone had a similar situation?
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"Gone completely. If I suggested a swinging site she would go nuts at me. She would go mad if she knew I was on here. "
Well of course she would go mad at you for being on here,it's just when I hear married men say their wife has gone off sex I can bet you a lot of the time they've just gone of sex with them,bring someone else into the equation and bang it's alive and kicking.
It can all depend on how she feels about her appearance as well,if she's not feeling great about her body then that's not going to give her confidence to want to have sex. Is she menopausal? |
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If she won't talk she isn't being fair. Explain how this is affecting you and point out that sex and physical affection is important to you. Tell her the problem is a joint one, not yours alone to solve.
Refusing to discuss a problem is unkind because it leaves you with nowhere to go.
Sometimes you need to make it clear that a solution needs to be found. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I find it quite selfish if one person goes off sex completely to expect the other person to live without it.
Maybe you should very gently, and I mean VERY gently, explain this to her.
That just because her sex life has gone that yours has not, and you are not ready to never have sex again. |
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"Gone completely. If I suggested a swinging site she would go nuts at me. She would go mad if she knew I was on here.
Well of course she would go mad at you for being on here,it's just when I hear married men say their wife has gone off sex I can bet you a lot of the time they've just gone of sex with them,bring someone else into the equation and bang it's alive and kicking.
It can all depend on how she feels about her appearance as well,if she's not feeling great about her body then that's not going to give her confidence to want to have sex. Is she menopausal?"
I’ve tried to talk to her about the possibility of being menopausal, she insists she is “too young for that” (39). She says she is happy with her body after she lost some weight, She is still curvy which is just fine with me. |
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"I find it quite selfish if one person goes off sex completely to expect the other person to live without it.
Maybe you should very gently, and I mean VERY gently, explain this to her.
That just because her sex life has gone that yours has not, and you are not ready to never have sex again."
Don’t think I’ll ever not want to have sex lol.
What I don’t want is for her to adopt a “lie back and think of England” mentality about it. It’s a shitty married stereotype I want to avoid. |
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"Gone completely. If I suggested a swinging site she would go nuts at me. She would go mad if she knew I was on here.
Well of course she would go mad at you for being on here,it's just when I hear married men say their wife has gone off sex I can bet you a lot of the time they've just gone of sex with them,bring someone else into the equation and bang it's alive and kicking.
It can all depend on how she feels about her appearance as well,if she's not feeling great about her body then that's not going to give her confidence to want to have sex. Is she menopausal?
I’ve tried to talk to her about the possibility of being menopausal, she insists she is “too young for that” (39). She says she is happy with her body after she lost some weight, She is still curvy which is just fine with me. "
She may be perimenopausel that can start many years before the menopause,is she happy in herself generally? I really don't know if she won't talk openly and honestly with you,she may be afraid to upset you.
Have a few drinks one night see if she'll open up more then. |
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"If she won't talk she isn't being fair. Explain how this is affecting you and point out that sex and physical affection is important to you. Tell her the problem is a joint one, not yours alone to solve.
Refusing to discuss a problem is unkind because it leaves you with nowhere to go.
Sometimes you need to make it clear that a solution needs to be found."
There’s a brick wall of non-communication about the subject. |
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"If she won't talk she isn't being fair. Explain how this is affecting you and point out that sex and physical affection is important to you. Tell her the problem is a joint one, not yours alone to solve.
Refusing to discuss a problem is unkind because it leaves you with nowhere to go.
Sometimes you need to make it clear that a solution needs to be found.
There’s a brick wall of non-communication about the subject. "
That's tough on you. I'm not an advocate of ultimatums but sometimes they're needed. Some one on here once suggested asking
"Is sex important to you?"
When your partner says
"No"
You reply
" you won't mind if I seek it elsewhere then" |
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It's such a complex subject, and there can be so many factors that affect the libido.
Tiredness, stress, pain, medication, unresolved issues with partner, boredom, hormone levels, etc.
The likely hood is that it's not just one of the above either. Making a resolution to the problem a mountain to climb.
I am sure it is possible, but the number one thing that is required, is for both parties to want to see a change. That can be a difficult hurdle. As was mentioned above, a step towards that is suggesting the "unfairness" of the situation (though I'd use that word carefully). One person in the relationship has changed, the other has not.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You may not be communicating well with eachother OP. Look at the 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman) to see what language(s) each if you speak.
If you speak different ones than you won't understand each other. Just simple changes to speak to her in her language can work wonders. |
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"OP it could certainly take a while to uncover what her reasons are if she’s not prepared to speak with anyone.
Have you discussed the possibility of clinical depression with her? "
Same old, same old. Doesn’t want to speak about it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find it quite selfish if one person goes off sex completely to expect the other person to live without it.
Maybe you should very gently, and I mean VERY gently, explain this to her.
That just because her sex life has gone that yours has not, and you are not ready to never have sex again."
Maybe an open relationship is what’s needed if she has dried up! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I find it quite selfish if one person goes off sex completely to expect the other person to live without it.
Maybe you should very gently, and I mean VERY gently, explain this to her.
That just because her sex life has gone that yours has not, and you are not ready to never have sex again."
This is good advice 
For me a sexless relationship would be a deal-breaker- Id rather be alone than undesired.
But then you are on here lying to her - maybe she can feel the dishonesty.
None of us can truly know what's really going on - maybe she's on here too.
I usually know if someone close to me is being dishonest- I can feel it. |
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