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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I was hoping for some help from the more experienced people from here? I have recently been questioning my sexuality and weather I may be polyamorous as having one partner does not fill me in the way I want it to. I was in a happy relationship where I loved the bones off my ex but I always found myself drifting.. but In more of a romantic way whilst still adoring said partner. I was hoping somebody with more experience into this could help me out as I really don’t want to hurt future partners with something that may or not be something out of my control. |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
I think first off you'll owe it to potential future partners to explain your feelings and your intentions so they're well informed before entering into something more than just casual.
While I don't really have much in way of jealousy or possessiveness, I don't think I could do polyamory. I could only emotionally invest in a deeper sense in one relationship and not several. If I really like someone, it's all in. That level of intensity can't be reproduced with more than one person, at least not by me.
Hats off to those who make it work. Most people can't and are just not wired that way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As someone's pointed out, people are largely not wired to accommodate this. If you're in a relationship with anyone and you find yourself 'drifting' then there's something missing from that relationship or you want something that person cannot provide. How anyone manages to have properly meaningful relationships with more than one person is beyond me. One relationship is a full time job. I've also personally experienced this tenet being used as intellectual justification for infidelity, basically. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thank you for the message, and I understand how this could be used as a justification for infidelity and I appreciate you taking time to message me back I’ll take on board what you said thank you |
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Polyam person here!
So, for me, being polyam is not a 'lifestyle', it's who i am completely. An intrinsic part of me. I can no more help being polyam than i can help being right handed or having blue eyes.
Currently I have a husband, a partner and several lovers spread around the country. They all know about one another as i believe in full disclosure. It's certainly not cheating. I expect four things in any of my relationships - bravery, honesty, trust and communication, and i will return them too.
Basically, I love. And i love loving. And i always tell the people i love that i love them. My lovers, my friends, my family. If i love on you then that's it. To me, polyam is love. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Polyam person here!
So, for me, being polyam is not a 'lifestyle', it's who i am completely. An intrinsic part of me. I can no more help being polyam than i can help being right handed or having blue eyes.
Currently I have a husband, a partner and several lovers spread around the country. They all know about one another as i believe in full disclosure. It's certainly not cheating. I expect four things in any of my relationships - bravery, honesty, trust and communication, and i will return them too.
Basically, I love. And i love loving. And i always tell the people i love that i love them. My lovers, my friends, my family. If i love on you then that's it. To me, polyam is love. "
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life? |
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"
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?"
This is what I always wonder. We have several poly friends, I just don't understand how they have the time or energy for several relationships. |
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"Polyam person here!
So, for me, being polyam is not a 'lifestyle', it's who i am completely. An intrinsic part of me. I can no more help being polyam than i can help being right handed or having blue eyes.
Currently I have a husband, a partner and several lovers spread around the country. They all know about one another as i believe in full disclosure. It's certainly not cheating. I expect four things in any of my relationships - bravery, honesty, trust and communication, and i will return them too.
Basically, I love. And i love loving. And i always tell the people i love that i love them. My lovers, my friends, my family. If i love on you then that's it. To me, polyam is love.
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?"
I have a great year planner and WhatsApp. I don't see everyone every week or anything, i do however keep in contact with them all frequently. Just a quick text here, or a WhatsApp chat there. They have busy lives too so understand. It works. |
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"
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?
This is what I always wonder. We have several poly friends, I just don't understand how they have the time or energy for several relationships."
It's like everything else in life - if it's something you want then it's something you make time for. You make it work because you want to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Polyam person here!
So, for me, being polyam is not a 'lifestyle', it's who i am completely. An intrinsic part of me. I can no more help being polyam than i can help being right handed or having blue eyes.
Currently I have a husband, a partner and several lovers spread around the country. They all know about one another as i believe in full disclosure. It's certainly not cheating. I expect four things in any of my relationships - bravery, honesty, trust and communication, and i will return them too.
Basically, I love. And i love loving. And i always tell the people i love that i love them. My lovers, my friends, my family. If i love on you then that's it. To me, polyam is love.
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?
I have a great year planner and WhatsApp. I don't see everyone every week or anything, i do however keep in contact with them all frequently. Just a quick text here, or a WhatsApp chat there. They have busy lives too so understand. It works. "
But does that not mean that multiple relationships are really only on a surface level? |
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"Polyam person here!
So, for me, being polyam is not a 'lifestyle', it's who i am completely. An intrinsic part of me. I can no more help being polyam than i can help being right handed or having blue eyes.
Currently I have a husband, a partner and several lovers spread around the country. They all know about one another as i believe in full disclosure. It's certainly not cheating. I expect four things in any of my relationships - bravery, honesty, trust and communication, and i will return them too.
Basically, I love. And i love loving. And i always tell the people i love that i love them. My lovers, my friends, my family. If i love on you then that's it. To me, polyam is love.
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?
I have a great year planner and WhatsApp. I don't see everyone every week or anything, i do however keep in contact with them all frequently. Just a quick text here, or a WhatsApp chat there. They have busy lives too so understand. It works.
But does that not mean that multiple relationships are really only on a surface level?"
It depends. I have a lover that I've known for five years. In that time we've grown close and we connect deeply. I love him very much, but in the end it's still just about the sex for us both. Whereas my partner... I've been with him only a couple of years but he's also my very best friend. We have this connection that's important to both of us. Conversely, i have lovers that I'll call ip and mention that I'm in town and do they fancy hooking up? That might be our only contact in the year. Yes some relationships may inly be superficial but that's ok because that's life. It is what it is. |
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I think its important to understand the difference between new relationship buzz and love. At first, they look the same, then they don't. It may take weeks or months. That is the point most will begin to drift. To seek the intensity of the new.
Hot husbanding doesn't have the same support on Fab, so you may have to settle for serial monogamy and a fair amount of heartache on the way!
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"
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?
This is what I always wonder. We have several poly friends, I just don't understand how they have the time or energy for several relationships.
It's like everything else in life - if it's something you want then it's something you make time for. You make it work because you want to."
Sounds as though you have things sorted? I'm surmising you don't get involved with someone who is 'needy'? If everyone has a certain independence and enjoys the occasional 121 intimacy it should all be good? |
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I'm polyamorous. I'm perfectly capable of monogamy and have previously had long term monogamous relationships, however I personally find I am just happier in polyamorous relationships. As another poster has said, I have a lot of love to give and I just feel more content when I have more people to share that with. I guess its like people who yearn to have many children. They can be happy with only 1 and it won't mean they love that child any less but that yearning for more would always be there. |
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"
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?
This is what I always wonder. We have several poly friends, I just don't understand how they have the time or energy for several relationships.
It's like everything else in life - if it's something you want then it's something you make time for. You make it work because you want to.
Sounds as though you have things sorted? I'm surmising you don't get involved with someone who is 'needy'? If everyone has a certain independence and enjoys the occasional 121 intimacy it should all be good?"
I guess it depends on what you mean by needy? But yes, being confident in your identity within your relationship is key. |
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"
How do you find the time for that level of investment around the other demands of life?
This is what I always wonder. We have several poly friends, I just don't understand how they have the time or energy for several relationships.
It's like everything else in life - if it's something you want then it's something you make time for. You make it work because you want to.
Sounds as though you have things sorted? I'm surmising you don't get involved with someone who is 'needy'? If everyone has a certain independence and enjoys the occasional 121 intimacy it should all be good?"
Personally I think "neediness" is unhealthy in any relationship. You shouldn't expect another persons constant, undevided attention. On the flip side though, having multiple partners means you have more sources of support or affection. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I met a single guy here a while ago, and we hit it off straight away, and he introduced a lady friend for our second meet, and we haven't looked back. We are three singles but over the last maybe 8 months we've been developing something amazing.
We care about eachother greatly. We are booking a holiday soon. When I meet him or her seperately there's never any jealousy. It's just the best set up. And I honestly would like it to develop but as swingers. So I guess I'm poly?... This is an entirely new feeling for me. But I can't ever see me settling with one person.  |
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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago
All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest |
"I'm polyamorous. I'm perfectly capable of monogamy and have previously had long term monogamous relationships, however I personally find I am just happier in polyamorous relationships. As another poster has said, I have a lot of love to give and I just feel more content when I have more people to share that with. I guess its like people who yearn to have many children. They can be happy with only 1 and it won't mean they love that child any less but that yearning for more would always be there. "
Is there deep emotional investment and connection with each of the relationships? One thing is to see several people you can feel friendship and affection for but within certain boundaries. I do that easily enough. But to have a deeper emotional connection with each one I certainly couldn't. In my view that "deeper" something would require all of myself that I couldn't replicate with multiple people.
Inevitably within a polyamorous environment would there not be a pecking order in terms of affections and attention? Not a criticism, just genuinely trying to understand the essence of that outlook. |
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I have been poly my whole life, for me it means I get to have two best friends who I love and get to share part of my life with.
I also enrich my sexual life with other playmates, I care for them on a connection level but we don't have the same level of daily communication |
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"I'm polyamorous. I'm perfectly capable of monogamy and have previously had long term monogamous relationships, however I personally find I am just happier in polyamorous relationships. As another poster has said, I have a lot of love to give and I just feel more content when I have more people to share that with. I guess its like people who yearn to have many children. They can be happy with only 1 and it won't mean they love that child any less but that yearning for more would always be there.
Is there deep emotional investment and connection with each of the relationships? One thing is to see several people you can feel friendship and affection for but within certain boundaries. I do that easily enough. But to have a deeper emotional connection with each one I certainly couldn't. In my view that "deeper" something would require all of myself that I couldn't replicate with multiple people.
Inevitably within a polyamorous environment would there not be a pecking order in terms of affections and attention? Not a criticism, just genuinely trying to understand the essence of that outlook."
Personally I currently only have 1 long term connection as about 6 months ago I split from someone I had been seeing for a year. Though that is just my personal situation. Not every connection has to have a deep, emotional connection and investment but they absolutely can. I know of many others in long term and deeply committed relationships with more than one person. I have friends who's relationships are just as deep as other couples I know who's partners have other relationships that are just as deep and committed.
As for a pecking order, that depends on the people. Some people practice hierarchical polyamory, others don't. Personally I don't, however as I have been with my current partner for over 4 years, someone I was brand new to dating isn't going to have the same level of commitment and connection with me from the beginning as those things take time. But to me there wouldn't always be an imbalance. Any new relationships don't have their potential to grow limited by the existence of other relationships. |
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I have had 2 long term, very long term monogamous relationships.
I now have open sexual relationships with more than 1 person. I am always open and honest. I don't love them but do have an emotional connection to differing degrees with them.
The friendships have taken time to build and some I see more than others...life and work permitting.
I think I could be content in a monogamous relationship again.
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"I think this would suit me, from what I know about it and the successful friendships I have here.
Look us up we are very keen to explore this..  "
It's one of those things that I think would happen by accident for me. I'm sort of there with my FWB, I think. I'm not really looking for a relationship per se at this point. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think this would suit me, from what I know about it and the successful friendships I have here.
Look us up we are very keen to explore this.. "
Is that really how a genuine polyamorous relationship starts? |
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