FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Joke Time (again!)

Joke Time (again!)

By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend, There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver’s door. ‘Is there a problem officer?’

‘Yes, Sir you were speeding. Can I see your licence, please?’

The driver responds, ‘I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.’

‘You don’t have one?’

The man responds, ‘I lost it four times for drink driving.’

The policeman is shocked. ‘I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?’

‘I’m sorry, I can’t do that.’

The policeman says, ‘Why not?’

‘I stole this car.’

The officer says, ‘Stole it?’

The man says, ‘Yes and I killed the owner.’

At this point the officer is beginning to panic. ‘You what!?!’

‘She’s in the boot if you want to see.’

The officer realises he is dealing with a dangerous man and slowly backs away. He calls for armed back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, sirens everywhere, whirling lights...

The captain slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The captain says,

‘Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!’

The man steps out of his vehicle. ‘Is there a problem, sir?’

‘One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.’

‘Murdered the owner???’

The captain responds, ‘Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please?’

The man opens the boot - It’s empty.

The captain says, ‘Is this your car, sir?’

The man says ‘Yes’ and hands over the registration papers.

The senior officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

‘One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.’

The man digs in his pocket, revealing a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

‘Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner.’

The man replies, ‘I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!’

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently

widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A guy was pulled over for speeding

he rolled down his window and the officer said 'papers'

so the guy said 'scissors ... I win!' and d rove off.

hee hee hee

;-)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago
Forum Mod

"A guy was pulled over for speeding

he rolled down his window and the officer said 'papers'

so the guy said 'scissors ... I win!' and d rove off.

hee hee hee

;-)"

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend, I casually pointed to two old d*unks sitting across the bar from us and said "That's us in 10 years time!"

She said, "That's a mirror, dipshit!"

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands......if, for instance, they're around your throat, she's a little bit annoyed

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman is in hospital after a car crash and has been in a coma for 8 months, her husband came to visit her and the doctor says to him that when they were giving her a bed bath that morning the nurse noticed that when she ashed her fanny there was a slight movement so they asked the husband if he would give her some oral sex as it might wake her up

the husband pulled the curtains round the bed and started, after 5 mins the alarm bells started to go, the doctor rushes in to find the husband stood there with his cock in his hand. the doctor says what happened, the husband reply's i think sh choked on it

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

It been proved beyond doubt that 95% of all blondes get the intelligence genre, the problem is most of them split it out !!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

2 nuns cycling down a cobbled street and one says to the other, ive never come this way before

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive

double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the

contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had

been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am

automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales

guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would

pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally

just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

OKAY!

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,

picked out a box of TAMPONS and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy,

"Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.

They're for him.

He's my brother.

He's four..

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the two men that robbed the calender......

They got 6 months each

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Three words to ruin a man's ego...

"Is it in?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

My son asked if he could have a boy from school stay over tonight. "Do you think he's gay?" I asked my husband. "I think you should be more worried that it's one of his pupils" he replied.

I have a serious learning difficulty.......I'm blonde

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I said to my boyfriend, "I know you're seeing someone else. So what's his name?"

He said, "I'm not gay, you fucking cheeky cunt."

I said, "Ok, smart arse, what's HER name?"

He looked down at the floor and muttered, "Dave."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Three words to ruin a man's ego...

"Is it in?"

"
How to ruin a woman's ego. Yeah its been in for the last 5mins, fuck you must have a BIG Fanny if you carnt feel a 10inch cock love

* cReEpS rOunD cRyPt * -l-

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees you're hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress...Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But try masturbating in Tesco car park just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get!

Can anyone pick me up from the police station ?

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By *obinhood-maidmarionCouple over a year ago

Tenerife

our local catholic priest has just been on tv praising one of the alter boys for saving his life

apparently the 12yr old found a lump in the priests testicles

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added; " For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY...PLEASE SEE THE FAT BITCH IN THE KITCHEN." =D

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I decided to perform the Deacon Blue song "Dignity" at the Britain's Got Talent audition.

"Is that your favourite song?" asked Ant and Dec.

"No I just have a strong sense of irony".

Supermarkets are running out of sandwiches, fruits and desserts.... Apparently because dyslexic's are picnic buying

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

At a wedding reception recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life too seriously nobody gets out of it alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital bed dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbeque?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly bits down there, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

"Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do dyslexic people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why does super glue not stick to the inside of the bottle?

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By *tensonSwingersCouple over a year ago

Stenson Fields

"Three words to ruin a man's ego...

"Is it in?"

Three words to ruin a womans ego:

"wow, thats huge!"

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I have a musical computer . . it's a Dell

I was going to make a joke about a transvestite from Thailand, butt Phuket.

I'm off to the British Sarcasm Society Conference tomorrow....I can't wait

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By *etillanteWoman over a year ago

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook

his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary

disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook

his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary

disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Lol lol thanks I love that one.

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By *acavityMan over a year ago

Redditch

Q. What mouse has two legs?

A. Mickey Mouse

Q. What duck has two legs?

A. All of them.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Three words to ruin a man's ego...

"Is it in?"

Three words to ruin a womans ego:

"wow, thats huge!""
wow thats huge wow thats huge

No thats not 9 words its the echo

* cReEpS rOunD cRypT * -l-

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldri...ck: "Yes Sir"

Blackadder: "We...ll, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium,Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bollocks".

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Whats the difference between a g spot and a golf ball,

men will search for a golf ball....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A man invited his workmate back for tea. The wife screams at him,

"Ive not done my hair, not done me make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes and can't be arsed cooking!

What the fuck you invited him for?" Man says

"Cos he's thinking of getting married."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/06/12 09:54:51]

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By *ove2-shareCouple over a year ago

South Gloucestershire

"our local catholic priest has just been on tv praising one of the alter boys for saving his life

apparently the 12yr old found a lump in the priests testicles"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A 2 seater plane has crashed in a cemetary in ireland so far they,v recovered 276 bodies digging continues..........

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A man has been rushed to hospital after a bizarre sex game went wrong and left him with six toy horses stuck up his arse.

Doctors have described his condition as "stable"

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I saw a bloke standing in my back garden this morning.

I opened the window and said, "What are you doing mate?"

"Sorry," he said, "I thought you was in Spain?"

"No," I replied. "I leave at 6am tomorrow."

"Okay," he said, jumping over the fence. "Have a lovely time."

"Will do," I smiled.......

What a nice guy!

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

My pet cat reminds me of my ex in so many ways.

For example, he's not fussed as to what sort of bird he brings home - nor whether they're dead or not

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By *odareyouMan over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

A man walks into a bar -he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You WANKER... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother!".

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order

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By *horney848Couple over a year ago

salisbury

My off licence has put the price of whiskey up to £25!

I'll have to buy one & party like its 19:99.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The Queen and David Cameron were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd for The Jubilee Celebrations. When the Queen leaned toward & said to Mr Cameron... "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Cameron arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand you could do all that...Show me!"

So the Queen, with one swift wave smacked him in the gob

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls

And sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde

Kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,

Thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

She asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Just seen some statistics on the most common way that people walk when d*unk. It's staggering

I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm. If you can't come, let me know

I've started going to AA....Illiterates Anonymous

You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot, by his hands... He has them

I was walking in the middle of a forest when I found a dog all by itself. I took it home and saw that it had a telephone number on it's collar. A lady answered when I rang and I said " I've found your dog. If you give me directions I'll bring it over." "Directions to my place are a bit complicated," she replied "You see, I live in the middle of a forest."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Top tip: If your camping in the summer and the attractive young lady in the next tent tells you that because it's hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.....

I appear in court next Monday.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A man boards an internal flight to Vegas from New York and being the last to board he sees that the only seat available is next to the sexiest blonde he's ever seen. He takes his seat and waits for the plane to take off before striking up a conversation with her. After exchanging pleasantries he asks her what she does for a living and she tells him that she's a researcher for the porn industry. She continues, "Did you know that Native American men have the largest cocks, and that Jewish men make the best lovers."

He replies, "No, I didn't know that."

She then says, "I'm Chloe, what's your name?"

He answers, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Went to the gym this morning and i said to the trainer.... what machine can i use to impress women! He said the cash machine you fat c**t!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I told my wife i have a new job,having sex live on stage,she said " Are you having me on"! I replied, " i will ask my boss,but so far they have all been thin and pretty".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My sex addiction therapist told me this morning that she was impressed with my progress,that i no longer see woman as sexual objescts,that i recognise there needs nd i am sensitive to there inner feelings..... sounds to me like she wants me to fook her up the arse

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker, so now I've got this annoying kenyan cunt two yards in front of me everywhere I go!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Hi Mate, I don't want you to panic but I'm texting from casualty...

Turns out the new Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I thought it was....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Lad n Lass on first date, He takes her home, Kissing her goodnight he leans one arm against the wall and takes his dick out. 'Oh God, your gorgeous, Give us a blow job.' Horrified she says 'Are you mad, My parents are home, they could catch us! Oh come on, who's gonna know?' She whinges on about getting caught, He moans on about a blow job.

Suddenly the porch light goes on, Her young sister opens the door, 'Dad said hurry up and give him a blow job, Or just wank him off in the bushes but for fuck sake tell him to take his hand off our intercom.'

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By *ussyhussyCouple over a year ago

south west

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me...

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night.

To be fair the audience tried to warn him..............................

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night.

To be fair the audience tried to warn him.............................."

He's Behind you. Lol

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By *nightndayCouple over a year ago

Orral ish

I asked God for a Bentley, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a Bentley and asked for forgiveness.

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By *nightndayCouple over a year ago

Orral ish

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A sign in a pet shop window says' clitoris lickin frog 4 sale- £50'! So an attractive lady walks in and says,' i would like the clitoris lickin frog please'? The guy behind the counter replies' Bonjour'!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" A sign in a pet shop window says' clitoris lickin frog 4 sale- £50'! So an attractive lady walks in and says,' i would like the clitoris lickin frog please'? The guy behind the counter replies' Bonjour'!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

In a recent survey in a magazine, women were asked "Is your cunt still sensitive ten minutes after sex?"

98% answered, No, he's asleep!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

the girlfriend should be a parole officer because she never lets anyone finish a sentence.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

man standing in the kitchen with a can of fly spray in his hand.

wife comes in 'what are you doing?' she asks.

'ive killed 3 male flies and two female one' answers the man.

'how do you know the difference?' asks the wife.

'3 were on the beer cans,and two were on the phone' replies the man.

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By *indylou47Woman over a year ago

BOLTON

Grow your own dope - plant a man

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today.

"It"s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today.

"It"s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6.

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By *cottishrichMan over a year ago

Here and there

Two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap?"

The other says

"it does, doesn't it!"

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I've just become a Professor of Palindromes.

I'm now known as Dr. Awkward

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

I hope Poland get knocked out of the Euros soon. My cars fuckin filthy!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" I took the wife to a disco at the weekend, There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"

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By *ocialchameleonMan over a year ago

Glasgow

I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory.

It was pretty rubbish.

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

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By *john121Man over a year ago

staffs

"Three words to ruin a man's ego...

"Is it in?"

Three words to ruin a womans ego:

"wow, thats huge!""

"Hey! I've found my watch!"

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By *ocialchameleonMan over a year ago

Glasgow

I was in a band called Heroin Overdose.

We had one massive hit.

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall.

We have your wife, if you want to see her again we want £500,000!

Don't contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call.

They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I hope Poland get knocked out of the Euros soon. My cars fuckin filthy!!"

yess.. like it!!!!!

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By *ocialchameleonMan over a year ago

Glasgow

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I hope Poland get knocked out of the Euros soon. My cars fuckin filthy!!

yess.. like it!!!!!

ditto

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By *empnbunkCouple over a year ago

south coast

When my wife heard I had taken up yoga she said " I know this has something to do with your perverted sexual fantasies"......i was soo taken aback at her accusations.......i nearly.chocked on my cock

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

An airline pilot finishes giving a message to the passengers and forgetting to turn off the intercom says to his co pilot That's us done for the next three hours so I'm going to have a shit then I'm going to shag the arse off that new blonde stewardess'. In the cabin... the stewardess hears him and rushes down the aisle to tell him to turn off the intercom.

Half way down an old lady grabs her arm and says 'No need to rush love he's having a shit first.'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I threw a bukkake party last night and it was a disaster.

Nobody came.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft Twat, it's a trap!!"

His wife asks him "What are you watching in there?" Husband replies

"Our frigging wedding video."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Me and the wife's favourite sexual position is called the "England football team" Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the 1st stage.

There's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.

It's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it'll be at least another four fuckin years before it happens again!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Me and the wife's favourite sexual position is called the "England football team" Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the 1st stage.

There's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.

It's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it'll be at least another four fuckin years before it happens again!!!

I don't know what's more tragic about this scenario - that it happens, or that it happens to so many people there's a joke about it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I walked into my local last night and there was a huge fat bird, with legs like tree trunks, in a tiny mini skirt dancing on my favourite table!

"Amazing legs!" I said.

"Thanks babe - you're such a kidder!" She replied.

"No - i'm serious" I said - "Any other table would have collapsed long ago!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I saw a muslim with 3 lions on his chest today, this safari park is brilliant

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

My wife said "Those penis enlargement pills you're taking are definitely working. Your're a bigger prick today than you were yesterday."

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By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

"I saw a muslim with 3 lions on his chest today, this safari park is brilliant"

Other religions are, of course, available.

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By *ushroom7Man over a year ago

Bradford

"I saw a muslim with 3 lions on his chest today, this safari park is brilliant"

Other religions are, of course, available.

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By *lassic1Man over a year ago

bellshill

Angela Merkel arrives at pasport control Paris airport.....Nationality ?...German....Occupation?.....no Im just here for a few days.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."

"I don't fucking believe you!" he shouted.

"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go to bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!

I agreed, and they were right.

We all stripped off and to my horror,

we had six matching balls!

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

My wife said, "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket?"I said, "Yes I can.....it's because you're a nosey fucker!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have just been sacked from my part time job with the Samaritans.

A man phoned in and said "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come."

All I said was "Remain calm and stay on the line..."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Man says to wife: "What would u do if i won the lottery?" Wife says: "Take half and leave you." Man says: "GREAT! I've won a tenner, here's a fiver now fuck off!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was up in court yesterday for running over a rather large woman. The judge asked me if I had enough room to swerve around her so I replied, "Yes, m'lud, I had enough room but not enough petrol!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"I have just been sacked from my part time job with the Samaritans.

A man phoned in and said "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come."

All I said was "Remain calm and stay on the line..."

Lol

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

Two residents at the old folks home have been getting on great and it develops into romance. After a while the man suggests a night of passion and the woman nervously accepts. They undress and slip into bed. Mindful of her medical condition, the woman thinks she should warn the man of the danger of her over exerting herself and says, ' I should really let you know that I have acute angina'. The old guy says ' I should hope so cos your tits aren't anything to brag about love!'

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By *ocialchameleonMan over a year ago

Glasgow

Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother.

Taxi Vader.

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By *eneral HysteriaMan over a year ago

Newcastle

Had a strobe light fitted in the bedroom.

Makes it looks like the Mrs is moving when we fuck.

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

My condom split last night. I panicked at first, but then i burst out laughing after thinking how funny the puppies would look.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"

Absolutely pmsl

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A 73 yr old woman is up in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show.

She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for the best dried bush arrangement.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My condom split last night. I panicked at first, but then i burst out laughing after thinking how funny the puppies would look."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Fucking hate gyms.

I went to the gym yesterday and said to the trainer, '"Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there?"

He looked at me & replied "Try the cash machine you fat bastard!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bob The Builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night." After a few beers she takes him home with her. The next morning she says "you said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes!" Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was a fucking estimate!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You know you're getting old when: I was watching Babe Station. There was this gorgeous girl in a skimpy little French maid's outfit, pushing a vac around, bending over provocatively. And as her little skirt rode up, exposing her lovely little bottom with the little strip of black material covering her crack, all I could think was: "We used to have a Hoover like that one."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Got my sleeping tablets and viagra mixed up last night and I ended up having forty wanks....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

I don't understand women. Last night my missus had me sucking her toes, tonguing her arse, and then practically begged me to lick her fanny....

then this morning I take a swig of milk from the carton and get bollocked....because apparently THAT'S disgusting!

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

I finally went to the doctors today about my premature ejaculation.

Doctor asks "I bet your wife isn't best pleased with you?"

I said "to be honest it's been getting on her tits".

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"I finally went to the doctors today about my premature ejaculation.

Doctor asks "I bet your wife isn't best pleased with you?"

I said "to be honest it's been getting on her tits"."

Lol

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me: 'How did you find her body?' I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking'.

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By *elestial NavigatorMan over a year ago

The moon

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

When I'm angry, I count to ten before talking to the wife again...It gives her a chance to get back on her feet!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

What do you call a German gynaecologist?

Hans Upperkunt.

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

I try not to look at my girlfriends's face during sex. I did once and all I saw was anger. Well, it was her fault for coming home early.

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

A real woman is a mans best friend. She will never stand him up & never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express deepest emotions & give in to his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident & sexy, seductive & invincible... No wait .... I'm thinking of cider, It's fucking cider that does that. Sorry.

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in

Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fecking candle.'

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A MAMMOGRAM--

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of al...l, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.

EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared!

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

My wife said "Those penis enlargement pills you're taking are definitely working. Your're a bigger prick today than you were yesterday

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

A woman's mouth is no different to her arse. Penis goes in, shit comes out.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Three women, one engaged, one a mistress, and one married.

They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings and suspenders, black leather basque,

black knee high boots and a leather face mask.

Later the engaged woman says, "My man jumped me and fucked me all night!"

The mistress adds, "Me too. We had wild, dirty sex till dawn!"

The married woman says, My husband came home, slapped my arse and said,

What's for tea Batman....

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By *abloBackMan over a year ago

London

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara Dessert by camel when it drops dead. Realising that they were both doomed the priest talked the nun into showing him her tits. In return he got his cock out. The priest gazing at the nuns tits enevitably got arroussed and thought he would chance his luck. 'you know sometime's when you put this in the right place it can bring the gift of life.' Good said the nun stick it up the camels arse so we can get the fuck out of here.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

little kids doing spelling at school and the teacher asks them to write a sentence containing the word 'contagious'

jonny writes.

'our neighbour was painting his fence with a 2 inch paint brush, and my dad says its gonna take that contagious to finish that'

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Scouser in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat.

The Madam said, "Are we feeling kinky tonight sir."

He replied, "No .....just homesick!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Got thrown out of the chemists today. I only asked the woman behind the counter: "Do you take it up the arse, love, or do you swallow it?"

She went fucking mental. Fuck knows what I'm supposed to do with these suppositories now!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was sucking off my new thai girlfiend the other night when I thought......hang on?

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Took the wife dogging last night.

NEVER EVER AGAIN.

By the time she finished parking,

everyone else had gone...

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

I was shagging the wife from behind last night and decided to shove a chocolate egg up her arse.

Kinder surprised her.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

I'm actually jealous of all those females reading "50 shades of grey"

I bet they don't get party poker adverts popping up halfway through a wank!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

nun says: "while cleaning Father's room I found a Playboy, I was ashamed.

" nun 2: "well i found condoms, so i put a small hole in them."

nun 3: *Faints*

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

After shagging Cheryl cole the other day ( I had nothing better to do!)

I'd like to say two things,

1. Her tits aren't that great, probably false....

And....

2. The staff at madame tussads are miserable fuckers....

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By *smCouple over a year ago

Liskeard

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

I called round to my new girlfriend's

place last night with a big bunch of flowers for her. She opened the door, saw the flowers, and dragged me inside.

She laid back on the couch, pulled her skirt up, ripped her knickers off and said, "This is for the flowers."

"Don't be silly," I replied,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The wife was reading about how pineapples, strawberries and other certain foods can alter the way her pussy tasted and she asked me for my suggestions:

It seems Tartare Sauce was not an appropriate answer.

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie

went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old

grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the

church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if

the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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By *r mrs pCouple over a year ago

taunton

"A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver’s door. ‘Is there a problem officer?’

‘Yes, Sir you were speeding. Can I see your licence, please?’

The driver responds, ‘I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.’

‘You don’t have one?’

The man responds, ‘I lost it four times for drink driving.’

The policeman is shocked. ‘I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?’

‘I’m sorry, I can’t do that.’

The policeman says, ‘Why not?’

‘I stole this car.’

The officer says, ‘Stole it?’

The man says, ‘Yes and I killed the owner.’

At this point the officer is beginning to panic. ‘You what!?!’

‘She’s in the boot if you want to see.’

The officer realises he is dealing with a dangerous man and slowly backs away. He calls for armed back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, sirens everywhere, whirling lights...

The captain slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The captain says,

‘Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!’

The man steps out of his vehicle. ‘Is there a problem, sir?’

‘One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.’

‘Murdered the owner???’

The captain responds, ‘Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please?’

The man opens the boot - It’s empty.

The captain says, ‘Is this your car, sir?’

The man says ‘Yes’ and hands over the registration papers.

The senior officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

‘One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.’

The man digs in his pocket, revealing a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

‘Thank you sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner.’

The man replies, ‘I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!’

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By *londeCazWoman over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I use that joke ^^^^^ in training courses to illustrate creative problem solving....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

British rail are lying bastards!!!

They say if you stand too close to the platform edge you'll get sucked off.

Eight hours!! Eight fucking hours I've wasted today.

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By *alldark79Man over a year ago

BELFAST

Two girls, Sue and Carol were talking and complaining about having a sore throat. Sue said "when I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and swallow and the next day its better, you should try it." Next day Sue sees Carol "How did it go then mate?" "Brilliant" says Carol, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"

"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What does a very short man get if he runs through a womans legs ???......

A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

A girl was granted two wishes:

1st she asked for bigger (.) (.) They instantly grew to 36DD

Then she asked for a really tight cunt.

She'll probably ring you later.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

Lesbian went for a smear test and doctor told her "That's the cleanest vagina i've ever seen" the lesbian replied "Yes,

I have a woman in twice a week."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

I walked up to the gaffer and asked "Where do you want this roll of bubble wrap?" and he said, "Just pop it in the corner" ........

Took me four fucking hours!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night.

To be fair the audience tried to warn him.............................."

that's just made me actually laff out loud x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lord coe said that representing your country at the olympics is the greatest feeling in the world.

I bet having angelina jolie sitting on your cock while snorting of jessica albas tits must rate fairly highly though

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" I walked up to the gaffer and asked "Where do you want this roll of bubble wrap?" and he said, "Just pop it in the corner" ........

Took me four fucking hours!!

That made me chuckle.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The somali olympic squad have had to apologise to the olympic organisers after a misunderstanding at the recent games.

Apparently they didn't realise shooting and sailing were 2 different events

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A priest was driving down the road, when he spots a dead pig lying in the grass verge

he phones the police to inform them what he has found

the cocky desk sargent laughs and replies "did you give it its last rites"

"no" replies the priest " i thought i would inform its next of kin first"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"A priest was driving down the road, when he spots a dead pig lying in the grass verge

he phones the police to inform them what he has found

the cocky desk sargent laughs and replies "did you give it its last rites"

"no" replies the priest " i thought i would inform its next of kin first" "
bril

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Whilst at the swimming pool the other day I couldn't help but notice I was getting an awful lot if funny looks. I couldn't Uunferstand why this was until I got back to the changing rooms and noticed the s had rubbed off my speedos!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the twat on my back."

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By *ashful Baz OP Man over a year ago

poole dorset

"A priest was driving down the road, when he spots a dead pig lying in the grass verge

he phones the police to inform them what he has found

the cocky desk sargent laughs and replies "did you give it its last rites"

"no" replies the priest " i thought i would inform its next of kin first" "

Lol

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