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The police knocked on my door earlier
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"They knocked on mine, too.
They showed me a photo of my ex wife, they said ‘I’m terribly sorry sir, it looks like she’s been hit by a bus’
I said ‘Yes, but she’s good with the kids’. "
Haha  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I found a penguin once. Copper stopped me and asked what I was doing with a penguin. Said I found it.
Don't you think you should take it the zoo? He said.
Next day he stopped me with the penguin again and said didn't I tell you to take that to the zoo?
I said 'I did. I'm taking it to the cinema today' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Was being followed earlier by a Police car in a 30 zone. So i edged up to 40. Still tailing me i went up to 50.
Looked in my mirror an he's up my arse.. i floored it!
Gods honour im touching a ton..
Hes yards off my bumper.
I thought fuck this... this is getting dangerous. So i slowed..
Then pulled over.
I say can i help you orifice?
He says, look its 5 minutes till the end of my shift and i cant be arsed with the paperwork. If you can give me an excuse that i've never heard before, as to why you're going so fast.. i'll let you go with a caution.
I said, a few days ago my wife ran off with a copper..
And i thought you were bringing her back!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Was being followed earlier by a Police car in a 30 zone. So i edged up to 40. Still tailing me i went up to 50.
Looked in my mirror an he's up my arse.. i floored it!
Gods honour im touching a ton..
Hes yards off my bumper.
I thought fuck this... this is getting dangerous. So i slowed..
Then pulled over.
I say can i help you orifice?
He says, look its 5 minutes till the end of my shift and i cant be arsed with the paperwork. If you can give me an excuse that i've never heard before, as to why you're going so fast.. i'll let you go with a caution.
I said, a few days ago my wife ran off with a copper..
And i thought you were bringing her back!
"
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Off duty cop in a pub hears an old chap say to his wife ‘Muriel, do you remember when we came here 30 years ago, we had great sex up against the fence out the back? Fancy doing it again?’
Muriel agrees, but the cop can’t condone this, so he follows them outside, and sees them having totally wild sex!
He waits until they collapse in a heap, and says ‘I should arrest you for that, but I’ll let you off if you can tell me the secret to that fantastic sex’
The old man eventually catches his breath and explains.... ‘Thirty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Off duty cop in a pub hears an old chap say to his wife ‘Muriel, do you remember when we came here 30 years ago, we had great sex up against the fence out the back? Fancy doing it again?’
Muriel agrees, but the cop can’t condone this, so he follows them outside, and sees them having totally wild sex!
He waits until they collapse in a heap, and says ‘I should arrest you for that, but I’ll let you off if you can tell me the secret to that fantastic sex’
The old man eventually catches his breath and explains.... ‘Thirty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’. "
Classic |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Muriel says he her husband.
You know after 50 years of marriage my nipples are still hot for you.
Husband replies that's because one is in your cup of tea and the other is in your porridge |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A guy has a season ticket for his football team. Over the years he got friendly with an elderly couple who sat in front of him.
One match day he notices that the old guy is on his own.
Enquiring where she is the old man says she died.
After offering his condolences he asks isn't there anyone in the family who would want the seat.
He said oh no, they're all at the funeral |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Went I a pet shop asked can I buy a wasp please.He said we don't sell wasps as pets. I said well you have one in the window  "
I know a joke about wasp noises on an lp but it's too long |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some really bad jokes but still made me laugh...  ..
I do like a humourous thread.
Bad jokes? This is my best material "
Oops...
I'd hate to hear your bad material then... lol |
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By *etite_RosyWoman
over a year ago
Now in MALAGA (SPAIN) |
"Off duty cop in a pub hears an old chap say to his wife ‘Muriel, do you remember when we came here 30 years ago, we had great sex up against the fence out the back? Fancy doing it again?’
Muriel agrees, but the cop can’t condone this, so he follows them outside, and sees them having totally wild sex!
He waits until they collapse in a heap, and says ‘I should arrest you for that, but I’ll let you off if you can tell me the secret to that fantastic sex’
The old man eventually catches his breath and explains.... ‘Thirty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’. "
Hahahahahahaha |
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A new couple are walking in the woods when the lady says ‘I need a wee. Keep watch while I go behind this bush?’
Her boyfriend agrees to this, but the thought of his girl squatting semi-naked gets him horny, so he sneaks his hand through the bush for a quick feel.
To his dismay, he feels something dangling between her legs!
‘Have you changed your sex??’ he asks.
‘No’ she replies, ‘I’ve changed my mind. I’m having a shit’. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"They said my dogs were chasing people on their bikes
Straight away I knew it wasn’t my dogs
Cos they ain’t got bikes
"
bit early for christmas cracker jokes!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"They said my dogs were chasing people on their bikes
Straight away I knew it wasn’t my dogs
Cos they ain’t got bikes
"
Now I know who stole my bikes. I thought they were stray dogs! |
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