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Baby presuure
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I have had a dear friend on the phone, sobbing...bless her.
She is 30 soon and longs to be settled in a relationship with babies.
She says it feels like all around her are happy with someone to love them. And then there's her! Hasn't got a man, hasn't had a long term relationships in years and no prospect of starting a family.
I told her it's just not her time yet, but that doesn't mean it won't be.
Life can turn on a sixpence.
I just want her to feel better about herself.
She is kind, beautiful, has a good job...has so many good qualities.
What advice would you give to anyone feeling that kind of pressure.
I'd say having kids isn't the be all and end all but for some it really is.
Do woman put to much pressure on ourselves?
Do men do the same?
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seems that the only real pressure is from herself to herself.
it's not like you can go and slap some sense into somebody for her and give them a good talking to.
she just has it in her own head as to what should be happening |
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By *arksxMan
over a year ago
Leicester / London |
To not put pressure on any potential future partner
Having a child is a serious commitment and not to be taken on just because others tell you should have by a set age in your life.
Is it better o have a child by the time you are 35 and divorced by 40?
Or a healthy relationship and successful marriage/partnership and then focus on a child later
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"I think you can only be there to comfort her OP as it’s very difficult to stop that internal clock if and when it starts ticking."
Hers has been ticking for ages. It doesn't help that her sister is about to get married and talking of babies. |
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"To not put pressure on any potential future partner
Having a child is a serious commitment and not to be taken on just because others tell you should have by a set age in your life.
Is it better o have a child by the time you are 35 and divorced by 40?
Or a healthy relationship and successful marriage/partnership and then focus on a child later
"
I think she does put guys of by being too heavy. I've told her to try and lighten up..not rush |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What does she look like? I might be able to help her out
I couldn't do that to her
You just want me all to yourself
I'd share you with another guy  "
It's getting to the point where I wouldn't mind sharing a guy |
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"What does she look like? I might be able to help her out
I couldn't do that to her
You just want me all to yourself
I'd share you with another guy
It's getting to the point where I wouldn't mind sharing a guy"
I hear you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What does she look like? I might be able to help her out
I couldn't do that to her
You just want me all to yourself
I'd share you with another guy
It's getting to the point where I wouldn't mind sharing a guy
I hear you "
Shall we find one together? |
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By *arksxMan
over a year ago
Leicester / London |
"I think you can only be there to comfort her OP as it’s very difficult to stop that internal clock if and when it starts ticking.
Hers has been ticking for ages. It doesn't help that her sister is about to get married and talking of babies."
Sounds like she need a new circle of influence.
Life doesn't move laterally like years sliding up a scale.
Tell to look at people who have successfully had marriages and children later in life.
Or those who have no kids.
There is lot of things we all want in life and for various reasons we don't always get them.
I know from experince when a women is brooding there not much you can do about.
And in my experience if often led to have a baby with literally the first bloke that came along... Which obviously rarely works out.
It's the kid I feel sorry for... Who wants to brought into the world in that environment |
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"What does she look like? I might be able to help her out
I couldn't do that to her
You just want me all to yourself
I'd share you with another guy
It's getting to the point where I wouldn't mind sharing a guy
I hear you
Shall we find one together?"
Ok..lets..anyone on your hit list |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is that actually her own thoughts and feelings or is she just feeling pressured from others?
I’m not sure if I ever want children, sometimes I think I do but other times I’m quite happy where I am and wouldn’t want to change it.
I am getting a little tired of being told that I’m getting too old to be unsure and that I’m going to end up being an old mum. I don’t mind having kids later (if I decide to have them) but it’s hard to think like that when you’re always told it’s wrong  |
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"Is that actually her own thoughts and feelings or is she just feeling pressured from others?
I’m not sure if I ever want children, sometimes I think I do but other times I’m quite happy where I am and wouldn’t want to change it.
I am getting a little tired of being told that I’m getting too old to be unsure and that I’m going to end up being an old mum. I don’t mind having kids later (if I decide to have them) but it’s hard to think like that when you’re always told it’s wrong "
I'm here too except I don't want kids for sure. I think people are starting to give up, thank god  |
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"Is that actually her own thoughts and feelings or is she just feeling pressured from others?
I’m not sure if I ever want children, sometimes I think I do but other times I’m quite happy where I am and wouldn’t want to change it.
I am getting a little tired of being told that I’m getting too old to be unsure and that I’m going to end up being an old mum. I don’t mind having kids later (if I decide to have them) but it’s hard to think like that when you’re always told it’s wrong "
Her family are quite traditional with their expectations and it definitely affects her. |
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I knew a girl years ago in the same boat. She went out and a few one nights stands without using protecting and hey presto she got her son. He will be 15yrs old now and has no clue to who his father is and the man has no idea he fathered a son. I was so angry as thought this was very cruel and still do. |
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I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts! 
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What does she look like? I might be able to help her out
I couldn't do that to her
You just want me all to yourself
I'd share you with another guy
It's getting to the point where I wouldn't mind sharing a guy
I hear you
Shall we find one together?
Ok..lets..anyone on your hit list"
No. I have low standards. You pick |
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"I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts!
"
She'd have a heart attack if I mentioned this. She is very, what's the word...conventional  |
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"What does she look like? I might be able to help her out
I couldn't do that to her
You just want me all to yourself
I'd share you with another guy
It's getting to the point where I wouldn't mind sharing a guy
I hear you
Shall we find one together?
Ok..lets..anyone on your hit list
No. I have low standards. You pick "
I will return the favour with mff |
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By *arksxMan
over a year ago
Leicester / London |
"I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts!
She'd have a heart attack if I mentioned this. She is very, what's the word...conventional "
Conservative? Is she Asian?
Becuase that put a whole new layer on this |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What does she look like? I might be able to help her out
I couldn't do that to her
You just want me all to yourself
I'd share you with another guy
It's getting to the point where I wouldn't mind sharing a guy
I hear you
Shall we find one together?
Ok..lets..anyone on your hit list
No. I have low standards. You pick
I will return the favour with mff "
Marry me  |
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"I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts!
She'd have a heart attack if I mentioned this. She is very, what's the word...conventional
Conservative? Is she Asian?
Becuase that put a whole new layer on this"
No..she's white German.
If she was then it would be a whole new ball game.
I work with an Asian girl who feels such pressure. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I understand that pressure. I came out of a bad marriage myself couple of years back and I am 32 now. All my mates are married. But the last thing she wants to do is to rush into a relationship with someone just due to the pressure.
She shouldn't be passive. She should try dating apps or try going out with someone in her circle. She should join hobby clubs which let her socialise with people. The idea is to have the options open while not being forced into a relationship because she is feeling lonely.
Hope this helps. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts!
She'd have a heart attack if I mentioned this. She is very, what's the word...conventional
Conservative? Is she Asian?
Becuase that put a whole new layer on this
No..she's white German.
If she was then it would be a whole new ball game.
I work with an Asian girl who feels such pressure."
I work with a white Swedish girl who feel pressured as well and a black one from Hungary too. |
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"I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts!
She'd have a heart attack if I mentioned this. She is very, what's the word...conventional
Conservative? Is she Asian?
Becuase that put a whole new layer on this
No..she's white German.
If she was then it would be a whole new ball game.
I work with an Asian girl who feels such pressure.
I work with a white Swedish girl who feel pressured as well and a black one from Hungary too."
I work with quite an international crew. I realise that nationality isn't a factor unless maybe you are a traditional asian...my friends religion is very important in deciding such things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts!
She'd have a heart attack if I mentioned this. She is very, what's the word...conventional
Conservative? Is she Asian?
Becuase that put a whole new layer on this
No..she's white German.
If she was then it would be a whole new ball game.
I work with an Asian girl who feels such pressure.
I work with a white Swedish girl who feel pressured as well and a black one from Hungary too.
I work with quite an international crew. I realise that nationality isn't a factor unless maybe you are a traditional asian...my friends religion is very important in deciding such things. "
I think there is a distinction that need to be made between ethnicity and religion. Her religion doesn't make a traditional Asian but a very religious person. |
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"I learnt the term ‘spurgled’ the other day where ladies engage in FWB/one night stand situations to ‘burgle’ sperm.
I’m of course not suggesting she does anything of the sort I was just shocked to hear it was FAR more common than you think and there is even forums for how to achieve it and alsorts!
She'd have a heart attack if I mentioned this. She is very, what's the word...conventional
Conservative? Is she Asian?
Becuase that put a whole new layer on this
No..she's white German.
If she was then it would be a whole new ball game.
I work with an Asian girl who feels such pressure.
I work with a white Swedish girl who feel pressured as well and a black one from Hungary too.
I work with quite an international crew. I realise that nationality isn't a factor unless maybe you are a traditional asian...my friends religion is very important in deciding such things.
I think there is a distinction that need to be made between ethnicity and religion. Her religion doesn't make a traditional Asian but a very religious person. "
fair enough |
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I think she needs to chill right out. Forget the pressure.
However if she gets to a point where she cannot find the right man but really does want a baby, there are ways of having a child using donors whom the organisations that recruit them are quite meticulous in their choice. It’s just an idea. Does a woman really need a man active in her life to help raise a child.
Just a suggestion OP. There are always ‘choices’..... |
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"I think she needs to chill right out. Forget the pressure.
However if she gets to a point where she cannot find the right man but really does want a baby, there are ways of having a child using donors whom the organisations that recruit them are quite meticulous in their choice. It’s just an idea. Does a woman really need a man active in her life to help raise a child.
Just a suggestion OP. There are always ‘choices’....."
I keep telling her to basically chill...she is hurting herself at the moment. I think my voice of reason gets lost amongst the others, such as her parents. |
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I was nearly 34 when I had my first child, that was a conscious choice though . She has no need to worry but that's easier said than done. You can't say anything that will make a difference to her I'm afraid. |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
Aw there's no point in trlling her to chill out or be patient..
Sounds a bit like me when I was 30. It's an incredible physical pull for many women. It's hard to ignore because the body is saying YES NOW.
But her despairing is probably not all attributed to the external longing. She will have some unfinished business wuth herself first.
I finally let go and accepted myself as I was.. instead of wishing my life away for something out of my control. It took some intense digging deep and mothering of myself!! I had to realise that actually I was already whole.
It's just something she needs to find her way through herself.
Once I fully dropped it and just surrendered to the unknown .. life did indeed turn on a sixpence (nice phrase OP) .. literally within months I was up the duff!
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"Aw there's no point in trlling her to chill out or be patient..
Sounds a bit like me when I was 30. It's an incredible physical pull for many women. It's hard to ignore because the body is saying YES NOW.
But her despairing is probably not all attributed to the external longing. She will have some unfinished business wuth herself first.
I finally let go and accepted myself as I was.. instead of wishing my life away for something out of my control. It took some intense digging deep and mothering of myself!! I had to realise that actually I was already whole.
It's just something she needs to find her way through herself.
Once I fully dropped it and just surrendered to the unknown .. life did indeed turn on a sixpence (nice phrase OP) .. literally within months I was up the duff!
"
That made me feel emotional..I get it x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think she needs to chill right out. Forget the pressure.
However if she gets to a point where she cannot find the right man but really does want a baby, there are ways of having a child using donors whom the organisations that recruit them are quite meticulous in their choice. It’s just an idea. Does a woman really need a man active in her life to help raise a child.
Just a suggestion OP. There are always ‘choices’.....
I keep telling her to basically chill...she is hurting herself at the moment. I think my voice of reason gets lost amongst the others, such as her parents."
Stop trying to change her mind OP, it won’t work. Instead try and help her achieve her desires and be there for her if it doesn’t work out ... |
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"I think she needs to chill right out. Forget the pressure.
However if she gets to a point where she cannot find the right man but really does want a baby, there are ways of having a child using donors whom the organisations that recruit them are quite meticulous in their choice. It’s just an idea. Does a woman really need a man active in her life to help raise a child.
Just a suggestion OP. There are always ‘choices’.....
I keep telling her to basically chill...she is hurting herself at the moment. I think my voice of reason gets lost amongst the others, such as her parents.
Stop trying to change her mind OP, it won’t work. Instead try and help her achieve her desires and be there for her if it doesn’t work out ..."
I'm not trying to change her mind. I'm just trying to get her to appreciate what she has accomplished on her own so far. To enjoy the here and now and take it as it comes. Hopefully that means getting her hearts desires. I will always be there for her. |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
"Aw there's no point in trlling her to chill out or be patient..
Sounds a bit like me when I was 30. It's an incredible physical pull for many women. It's hard to ignore because the body is saying YES NOW.
But her despairing is probably not all attributed to the external longing. She will have some unfinished business wuth herself first.
I finally let go and accepted myself as I was.. instead of wishing my life away for something out of my control. It took some intense digging deep and mothering of myself!! I had to realise that actually I was already whole.
It's just something she needs to find her way through herself.
Once I fully dropped it and just surrendered to the unknown .. life did indeed turn on a sixpence (nice phrase OP) .. literally within months I was up the duff!
That made me feel emotional..I get it x"
Aw .. all you can do is love her and hear her .. she must be experiencing loads of self doubt and have big questions about why it hasn't happened for her yet. Is she in single solo quarantine?? Fucking hell..fast track to facing the big stuff ay?. Tell her she is doing the work! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a very similar friend so I can relate! It's awful seeing how depressed she feels seeing everyone around her in relationships, with families and careers they are progressing in. She's the most caring and kind soul I know and she feels like it will never happen for her.
I would say don't downplay how she feels and just be there for her. I don't think any of us need a man or babies but when you're lonely it's not what you want to hear. You could always encourage her to attend social events, mix with people with similar hobbies and even arrange for you both to go somewhere together (when it's safe) and basically just remind her there's still plenty of time. It's hard though when it gets too much for them. |
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"
I have a very similar friend so I can relate! It's awful seeing how depressed she feels seeing everyone around her in relationships, with families and careers they are progressing in. She's the most caring and kind soul I know and she feels like it will never happen for her.
I would say don't downplay how she feels and just be there for her. I don't think any of us need a man or babies but when you're lonely it's not what you want to hear. You could always encourage her to attend social events, mix with people with similar hobbies and even arrange for you both to go somewhere together (when it's safe) and basically just remind her there's still plenty of time. It's hard though when it gets too much for them. "
It is difficult to see a friend hurting...thanks x |
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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago
Whitley Bay |
Oh .. you can also remind her it's fucking hard being a parent!! Pushes you beyond all limits at times for many reasons.. It's not necessarily an easier or better ride than not having kids. There are many many compromises and challenges! If only she can see how green her grass is first .. then I bet she will turn on that coin! |
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"Oh .. you can also remind her it's fucking hard being a parent!! Pushes you beyond all limits at times for many reasons.. It's not necessarily an easier or better ride than not having kids. There are many many compromises and challenges! If only she can see how green her grass is first .. then I bet she will turn on that coin! "
This definitely is the other side of the coin. It is hard work being a parent. |
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"I have had a dear friend on the phone, sobbing...bless her.
She is 30 soon and longs to be settled in a relationship with babies.
She says it feels like all around her are happy with someone to love them. And then there's her! Hasn't got a man, hasn't had a long term relationships in years and no prospect of starting a family.
I told her it's just not her time yet, but that doesn't mean it won't be.
Life can turn on a sixpence.
I just want her to feel better about herself.
She is kind, beautiful, has a good job...has so many good qualities.
What advice would you give to anyone feeling that kind of pressure.
I'd say having kids isn't the be all and end all but for some it really is.
Do woman put to much pressure on ourselves?
Do men do the same?
"
I'd say these are difficult strange and emotionally challenging times
I am thinking possibly what one would normally say is not what one should say now (I said possibly)
Currently very few people have balanced hormones or emotions and "future" is such an unknown that "words" can be empty
Personally I understand her angst
I'm not having children but if I did want them I'd want
Before 37 8
Not into this current world
To really know my partner (3-5 years)
And currently fab forums(social media) are telling me im evil if I contemplate meeting let alone kissing another unknown until its "safe" aka 2 to 6 years if ever
This on top of clock must be devastating
I have reasons why I will not be a dad yet never would I tell another why or disuade another from that potential joy
Understanding empathy and support trying to avoid specific advice would be my goal
Hugs
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it’s different for men as their biological clock goes on longer and can have kids much later in life.
I think the question is do you have them young and still hope to be with your partner when they the kids technically no longer need you or have them when you’re older and probably more financially secure |
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