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For True Phe xxxxx

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

I said for TP ya nosey buggers.....lol

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

LMAO

thank you babes

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting


"LMAO

thank you babes "

Mwah mwah xxx

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

mwah mwah mwah

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

fantastic ..........

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

lol!!!!!!!!!!xx

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By *ouvakMan  over a year ago

clacton on sea

pass the tissue's i'm crying out with laughter

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university

graduate and an old aborigine.

They were given a word,then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ~TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,

trekked a lonely caravan

Men on camels two by two

Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went

Met three whores in a pop up tent

They were three, and we was two

So I bucked one, and timbuktu

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

LMFAO

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

New technology in grocery stores

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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By *prite128Woman  over a year ago

maidstone

lol !! thanks for the giggles xx

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting


"lol !! thanks for the giggles xx"

Hello darlin, hope work wasnt too busy, its nice to get home and relax.

And i am with you about the sun - think we will have to go and rob Arcy!!!

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

GOOD LAWYER ...

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer summarizes',

" So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you ??? "

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By *ouvakMan  over a year ago

clacton on sea

stop it please i can't post for laughing

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By *prite128Woman  over a year ago

maidstone


"lol !! thanks for the giggles xx

Hello darlin, hope work wasnt too busy, its nice to get home and relax.

And i am with you about the sun - think we will have to go and rob Arcy!!! "

it was here until this morning...but yep, lets go rob him anyhow

xxxxx

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting


"stop it please i can't post for laughing "

hehehehe

GOOD you need slowing down a bit, lol

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Bloody cliques....

Pahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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By *ouvakMan  over a year ago

clacton on sea

ooooh thats so unfair i'm cut to the bone, i'm going over there in the corner to sulk again now

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

sulky arse

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she

passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to

classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good

morning, ladies.'

The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with

you.'

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,

'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.'This

startled

Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the

Sisters

who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted

them with, 'Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give

you wisdom for our students today.'

'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.'

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the

wrong side of bed today.'

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an

irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking

down

the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by

step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior

had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before

greeting Sister Mary.

'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I

pray

God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'

'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on

the wrong side of bed this morning.'

Mother Superior was floored!

'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but

three times already today, people have said that about me.'

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.

'Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're

wearing Father Murphy's slippers.'

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

This is all the stuff too long or just can't be arsed to text then...

Could go on for some time lol..

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting


"This is all the stuff too long or just can't be arsed to text then...

Could go on for some time lol.. "

Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar to long to text, pmsl.....

ahem,

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3

Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. ((she silly!!!))

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre.

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an

hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his

drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing

stare as if to say, What'cha gonna do about it??

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I

didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I

can't do anything right.'

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have

any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my

life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

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By *andKCouple  over a year ago

Norfolk

I needed cheering up today and this thread has certainly helped - thank you xxx

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting


"I needed cheering up today and this thread has certainly helped - thank you xxx"

Glad to be of service my lovely xxx

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Here's a rhyme with no offence intended to anyone

Jack and Jill went up a hill

So Jack could lick Jills fanny

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock

Cos Jill was a pre op tranny

...............whoosh!

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

The Center for Disease Control U.S.A. has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to anyone you know, if your still sober enough to care. If you do not have any friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. you have been warned.

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

ok ok scraping the barrel i know....lol

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

A Child's Prayer...

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer.

Amen

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end a day at the golf course, Bruce hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . .. .POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...

As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . .. she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED!!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SWING!!!

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says:

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. "

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...smell dreadfully."

The Doctor says "Good, now that we have cleared up your sinus problem, let's get to work on your hearing"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Lol

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By *thwalescplCouple  over a year ago

brecon

An eminent English Professor of Languages was visiting Australia, and wound up on a radio chat-show.

He made the claim that he knew every word in the english language, and their meanings, and the DJ challenged the listeners to try and think of one that the prof had never heard.

"G'day, who's on line one?" asks the DJ.

"Bruce" comes the reply from the caller.

"I have a word for the prof, it's gahn"

The prof furrows his brow, then asks the caller to put it in a sentence, to which the caller replies "I hate you pommies, gahn get fucked!" The DJ cuts him off hurriedly, and apologises profusely both to the listeners, and the prof. The talk-show continues, with a few others trying and failing to catch the prof out. Then a caller rings in with the word "smee", and the prof asks for it in a sentence. "It smee again, gahn get fucked!!"

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of Skimmed milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a d*unk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the d*unk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the d*unk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The d*unk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

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By *im53Man  over a year ago

Boldon

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and

orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til

Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window

and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window

to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

Nuns in Rome.

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, “I've never come this way before.”

The other nun whispers, “It's the cobblestones.”

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By *thwalescplCouple  over a year ago

brecon

I was stood in the queue for a check-out in the supermarket the other day, when I saw a woman looking at me in the next queue. She looked familiar, but I couldnt place her.

We struck up a conversation, and she eventually said to me "you dont know who I am, do you?" I replied, "the face is familiar, but I cant think where from".

She looked at me, then said "I had your child last year!" I panicked, thinking quickly, and said, "Erm, were you the d*unken one-night-stand from Pauls party two years ago?"..... "No" she replied, "I am a teacher at your childs school!!"

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By *thwalescplCouple  over a year ago

brecon

A nun is being given driving lessons by an old priest.

He is new to the area, and as it gets dark he gets lost and they drive close to the castle of Dracula.

Suddenly, the infamous vampire jumps on the bonnet.

The young nun panics, then screams.... but the priest doesnt bat (lol) an eyelid. He calmly turns to her and syas "Dont worry dear, just show him your cross", at which she winds down the window, leans out and shouts "OI, cunt!!! get off my fucking car!!!"

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By *im53Man  over a year ago

Boldon

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a

play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the

mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal

questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get

a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends

begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl

says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her

drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on

it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know

how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that

out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you

and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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By *ebzStar OP   Woman  over a year ago

Notting

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.

Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

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