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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If your partner has put on weight...tell them to walk 3 miles each morning and 3 miles each night...by the end of the week, the fat bastard will be 42 miles away!  |
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. |
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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""So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road."
All your own work madame well done  |
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""So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road. All your own work madame well done "
SIR and not really. tim vine |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Top 10 Mother-in-law one-liners
"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay... the mice throw themselves on the traps." Les Dawson
"My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'. Bob Monkhouse
"My mother-in-law said 'one day I will dance on your grave'. I said 'I hope you do, I’ll be buried at sea.'" Les Dawson
"I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in." Henry Youngman
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her." Ken Dodd
"I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking.'" Les Dawson
"A police recruit is asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?" He replies, "I'd call for backup." Bernard Manning
"My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked." Les Dawson
"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport." Henry Youngman
"My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in." Les Dawson
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