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Dirty Jokes. Say em and rate em
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So one day this man named Sam was driving down the freeway and he sees a sign "Any flavor peach next exit" , so Sam is quite curious and takes the next exit.. Walks up to this man name Jeff and Sam says to him I want a banana flavored peach, Jeff Says "oh thats easy" and throws him a banana flavored peach. Sam Bites into it and it taste just like a banana. Sam really wants to get this guy so he says "Alright i want a peanut butter and jelly flavored peach", Jeff Throws him the peach Sam bites into it and Says "I can taste the peanut butter but wheres the Jelly?" Jeff says to him "Oh you just have to turn it around". and he does it taste like jelly.. So Sam really wants to get Jeff like Badly and he says ok "I want a PUSSY flavored peach!" Jeff throws it over to Sam, he bites into it spits it out "OOhHH That taste like Shit!" Jeff says oh you just have to turn it around!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What has kentucky fried chicken and a woman got in common..... Well after the tender thigh, and the juicy breast, there is only the greasy box left to put your bone in..... |
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A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night "
Hahahahahahaha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A bus full of Nuns crashes off a cliff and tragically there are no survivors.
They all arrive at the gates of heaven and greeted by St. Peter who says to them;
"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.
They all form a single line when St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks her;
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well, there was this one time... that I kinda... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
"Alright Sister" says St. Peter, "...now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." So she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second Nun and ask her the same question
"Well, there was this one time... that I held one. Just for a second!"
"Alright Sister" he says, "...now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so too.
All of a sudden there's a noise, a jostling in the line, with one Nun trying to force her way to the front. St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun;
"Sister Susan, what's going on here? There is no rush, my child"
Sister Susan responds "Well, if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
... Don't worry, I'm not here all week  |
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"They making a new version of the film. The exorcist.... Only in the new film they have to summons the devil to get the priest out of the child.. "
10 out of 10...
Two dogs at the vets & one asks the other "what are you here for?"
"Oh I keep chasing all the bitches in the neighbourhood so my owner brought me in to be neutered, what are you here for?"
"Well.. my owner got out of the shower this morning and as she bent over to pick up her clothes her towel slipped and I just couldn't help myself..."
"Oooohhh, so you're here to get neutered too"
"No, just to get my nails clipped" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!" |
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"A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!""
Just picture look on moms face after that response
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A mother and little boy are visiting the zoo. They pass by the elephant enclosure when suddenly the elephants walk out into the open. The little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, that's nothing." She quickly leads him away.
Some time later, the boy is taken to the zoo by his father, and as they pass the elephant enclosure the child points again and asks his dad: "What's that?'
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"But mother said it was nothing!" said the boy.
The father smiles, draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, your mother's spoilt." |
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Paddy is holidaying in Mexico goes into a bar. He notices a donkey standing quietly in the corner with his head down so he asks the barman about it.
"Oh señor, that is a very sad donkey, the manager offer 5,000 American dollars to anyone who can make him laugh. I've been working here 3 years and still no body has done it"
So Paddy goes over, whispers in the donkey's ear and straight away the donkey bursts out hee haw hee haw hee haw. Paddy collects his money & goes.
The following year he's back in Mexico & goes to the same bar and the donkey is in the corner hee hawing non stop. Again Paddy asks the barman about it.
"Oh señor, for years he was depressed & say nothing & the managed offer 5,000 American dollars to anyone who can make him laugh. Last year a tourist come in and make him laugh and now he won't stop so the manager offer 10,000 American dollars to anyone who can make him stop"
So Paddy goes to the corner, stands in front of the donkey and straight away he goes quiet and drops his head. Paddy goes to collect his money and the barman says "Hey señor, I remember you now. Last year you make him laugh when no one else could and now you make him stop when no one else could. How did you do it?"
"Oh it was very easy" said Paddy "Last year to make him laugh I just told him that my cock was bigger than his,
"Si señor, that is funny alright, but how you make him stop?"
Paddy replied "I showed it to him!" |
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"Paddy is holidaying in Mexico goes into a bar. He notices a donkey standing quietly in the corner with his head down so he asks the barman about it.
"Oh señor, that is a very sad donkey, the manager offer 5,000 American dollars to anyone who can make him laugh. I've been working here 3 years and still no body has done it"
So Paddy goes over, whispers in the donkey's ear and straight away the donkey bursts out hee haw hee haw hee haw. Paddy collects his money & goes.
The following year he's back in Mexico & goes to the same bar and the donkey is in the corner hee hawing non stop. Again Paddy asks the barman about it.
"Oh señor, for years he was depressed & say nothing & the managed offer 5,000 American dollars to anyone who can make him laugh. Last year a tourist come in and make him laugh and now he won't stop so the manager offer 10,000 American dollars to anyone who can make him stop"
So Paddy goes to the corner, stands in front of the donkey and straight away he goes quiet and drops his head. Paddy goes to collect his money and the barman says "Hey señor, I remember you now. Last year you make him laugh when no one else could and now you make him stop when no one else could. How did you do it?"
"Oh it was very easy" said Paddy "Last year to make him laugh I just told him that my cock was bigger than his,
"Si señor, that is funny alright, but how you make him stop?"
Paddy replied "I showed it to him!""
. New spin on a classic love it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You know your in trouble when riding the local slut, when you look down and see you have a jonny on and you didn't start with one on ......."
Brilliant |
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I was thrown out of weight watchers for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in. As you can imagine I accepted the decision with huge Grace, because they threw her out as well......Gary Delaney |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do ya get if you cross a donkey with an onion......................,.........................................A peice of ass that will bring a tear to your eye. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy arrives at his new girlfriend's house with a massive bouquet of her favourite flowers to surprise her with.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him inside. She lies back on the sofa, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and throws her legs in the air saying "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says Paddy "...You must have a vase somewhere!" |
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"Paddy arrives at his new girlfriend's house with a massive bouquet of her favourite flowers to surprise her with.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him inside. She lies back on the sofa, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and throws her legs in the air saying "This is for the flowers!"
Ok that is fucking brilliant 10/10
"Don't be silly" says Paddy "...You must have a vase somewhere!" "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Harry and mabel found love in the old folks home. After months of gentle walks and holding hands they decided to move things forward. Harry arrived at mabels room to find her in her sexiest nightie.
He asked what she would like and she said as a younger woman she loved a gentleman going down on her.
Despite his creaking knees, Harry duly obliged but after 10 seconds he came back up and said, "I'm sorry to be blunt mabel, but I just can't stay down there, it smells too bad"
"That'll be the arthritis" she said.
Harry said "you can't get arthritis in your fanny, and anyway, it wouldn't make it smell bad"
"No, I have it in my shoulders" she replied "I can't wipe my arse...."
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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two hookers standing on the corner, one says to the other "it's going to be a good night".
The other says "what makes you think that?"
"I can smell cock in the air" the other replies "sorry I just burped" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. She can’t reach orgasm and tells her husband it's because she gets too warm.
After going to see a specialist, he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom. The husband asks his best friend if he would waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love and he hesitantly agrees.
After 20 minutes of sex his wife is still no closer to orgasm. Frustrated and not knowing what more he can do, the man turns to his friend who's wafting the towel and asks him to switch places.
After a few minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
Her husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims “Now that, my friend, is how you waft a towel!” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I was a 12 I threw a massive dead rat on the back of my neighbour while she was gardening (good old 90s, of course I regret, poor her, but it is funny at times)... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I was a 12 I threw a massive dead rat on the back of my neighbour while she was gardening (good old 90s, of course I regret, poor her, but it is funny at times)..."
And it was a massive one...Fck sake, what did I have in my innocent mind?
You didn't hear my story when I went camping around Wicklow mountains(alone) on Xmas day and coming back walking to Dublin the next day...lol |
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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago
somewhere |
A bird from Clontarf goes home one night with a guy from Clondalkin she met in a pub. He's tall, good looking, and seems different than most men .
They arrive at his place and head straight to his bedroom. She can't help but notice shelves full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and he isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it up the arse! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf.” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A guy was bragging to his best friend about how he achieved his ultimate sexual fantasy.
"Last night I went home with twins!"
His friend was shocked but impressed
"Sounds fantastic! Were you able to tell them apart though so it wasn't awkward?"
"Oh yeah" he said, "...Samantha had these beautiful little dimples on the small of her back and James had a beard" |
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