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Bad jokes that make you giggle
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So I've copied and pasted this but I love it!
'Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!' |
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By *addy0 OP Man
over a year ago
carlow town |
"So I've copied and pasted this but I love it!
'Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!'"
That's actually decent  |
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Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted! "
That's brilliant. |
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I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called little Timmy, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Little Timmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Little Timmy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I Used to like little Timmy..... |
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"So I've copied and pasted this but I love it!
'Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!'"
Very good, gave me a laugh |
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By *oserMan
over a year ago
where the wild roses grow |
A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.
The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."
She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"
He says, "Because you're ugly." |
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A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a bang and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend, donkey is all up for it but he starts panicking thinking how he’s gonna impress this champion horse, he gets a brain wave and goes the zoo and takes a pic of zebra, so the weekend comes and the horse comes round to the donkeys, he walks in and there’s this massive picture of a zebra on the wall fucking huge taking up a whole wall, “what’s that” say the horse “ah it’s nothing” says the donkey “no tell me I wanna know” says the horse “ah I use to play for juventus” says the donkey
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"A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a bang and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend, donkey is all up for it but he starts panicking thinking how he’s gonna impress this champion horse, he gets a brain wave and goes the zoo and takes a pic of zebra, so the weekend comes and the horse comes round to the donkeys, he walks in and there’s this massive picture of a zebra on the wall fucking huge taking up a whole wall, “what’s that” say the horse “ah it’s nothing” says the donkey “no tell me I wanna know” says the horse “ah I use to play for juventus” says the donkey
"
That should get a "Jacobs" award its a cracker........... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a bang and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend, donkey is all up for it but he starts panicking thinking how he’s gonna impress this champion horse, he gets a brain wave and goes the zoo and takes a pic of zebra, so the weekend comes and the horse comes round to the donkeys, he walks in and there’s this massive picture of a zebra on the wall fucking huge taking up a whole wall, “what’s that” say the horse “ah it’s nothing” says the donkey “no tell me I wanna know” says the horse “ah I use to play for juventus” says the donkey
That should get a "Jacobs" award its a cracker..........."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy gets a new job as a lumberjack / felling trees so he goes for the interview the foreman asks paddy now tell me the difference in the front of the tree and the back of the tree so off paddy goes walks around the tree a few times comes back to the foreman and says we're now looking at the front of the tree the foreman asks how's that paddy because some dirty bastered shit behind it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A blonde woman walks into an electronics shop, after looking around for a while the woman goes up to the register and says "I'll take that TV over there" the shop clerk says "sorry we don't serve blondes" and walked away. The next day the blonde comes in wearing a brunette wig and goes to the shop clerk "I'll take that TV over there" again the clerk says "sorry we don't serve blondes" angry the woman storms out only to come back the next day wearing a red wig, she goes up to the clerk and says "I'll take that TV over there" again the clerk say "sorry we don't serve blondes". Extremely angry the woman tears off the wig and screams at the clerk " how the fuck did you know I was blonde?" To which the clerk replies "because that's not a TV, its a microwave!"  |
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A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy. The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong. With a look of shock on his face the young man says, ''OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!'' |
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