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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My wife has a real competitive streak so when I bet her a hundred quid that she couldn't go for a month without having sex, I knew that she'd be up for the challenge.
I just hope it buys me enough time for my herpes to clear up. |
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One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.
The Science teacher then asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have
worms!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Broke up with the girlfriend last week. Stunning she was, but had a nasty turn in one of her eyes!......found out she was seeing someone else on the side!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was feeling hungry the other day, called in to my local bakers, asked "how much are your sausage rolls?"
The girl said, " they're 2 for a quid!".
I said, "I only want 1".
Her trying to be a smart ass said, " well it's 75c for 1!!!!"
So I said, " Ok well give us the other one then!"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.The first little boy said, "Alligator.""Very good James, that's a big word."The second boy said, "Predator.""Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything.""Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorro |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've just seen a chav running off with an arm full of Chicken Tikka Masala...
Think he got confused when his mates said they were robbing Curry's.
* S¡Ts iN CrYp¡T * -|- |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Definition of irony:-
Fat people having to resort to jogging pants when they can't get trousers to fit them.
I have a bunch of midget jokes but I'm afraid they might come back and bite me in my ass. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!!!!! |
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Please note that with the arrival of new' Drive-Thru' cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car to the machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind window down.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, to locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary, with your PIN written on the inside cover.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash
18. Place receipt in back of check book.
19. Drive forward two meters.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
23. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
24. Release handbrake.
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