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Shit jokes hilarious when you're d*unk
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No Woman No Sky | |||
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"Two Kerry men go camping. They get to the site after long trek. Realise they forgot the bottle opener. Kerry man 1 says to Kerry man 2 you go back get the opener, he replies no fucking way you'll eat all the food! K1 says no I won't , go on. K2 leaves. After 9 long days of starving and dying of thirst. K1 opens the food. K2 jumps out of a bush screaming "I fucking knew it" " Get your coat, you've pulled | |||
"Two Kerry men go camping. They get to the site after long trek. Realise they forgot the bottle opener. Kerry man 1 says to Kerry man 2 you go back get the opener, he replies no fucking way you'll eat all the food! K1 says no I won't , go on. K2 leaves. After 9 long days of starving and dying of thirst. K1 opens the food. K2 jumps out of a bush screaming "I fucking knew it" Get your coat, you've pulled" What did I pull    | |||
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"My sexy next door neighbour knocked and asked me if I new anything about underwear going missing off her washing line? I nearly shit her pants!" Did make me laugh lol | |||
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"First sign of soccer? Jeasus took the cross!" Jesus going up for a high cross and getting nailed lol | |||
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"What happens when a clown farts? It smells funny!! Ok you did say when you're d*unk "very good lol | |||
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"My wife's in a right fuckin' mood!!!! Someone's stolen a pair of her pants off the washing line...... She's not bothered about the knickers so much, she just wants the 24 pegs back!!!!!"  | |||
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"A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner 'Ok, I want to buy a pet but I don't want a boring normal pet; no cats or dogs or budgies, I want something different' The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede 'Really?' says the man 'How much?' The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50 quid. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says 'Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?' The centipede says nothing Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?' Again, the centipede says nothing Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund An hour later the man opens the match box and says 'Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?' The centipede says 'I heard you the first time, you twat' 'I was putting my shoes on..'"  | |||
"My sexy next door neighbour knocked and asked me if I new anything about underwear going missing off her washing line? I nearly shit her pants!" that's funny lol | |||
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"A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: £1.50 Chicken Sandwich: £2.50 Hand Job: £10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes," she purrs. "I am." "Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"" Blessed are the cheese makers | |||
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"I refused to believe that my road-worker father was thief....... but, when I got home, all the signs were there! " | |||
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"Man goes into petshop Says" i want to buy a wasp" Petshop "we dont sell wasps" Man" youve 2 in the window" Its the way i tell em Frank Carson" Good old frank. He was a legend haha | |||
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A four letter word that everyman is afraid of (more)
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks | |||
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"There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan.""  | |||
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