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Bad Joke Thread IV ©
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet............?!
A teabag
How does moses make his tea?
Hebrews it."
Loose tea Israeli how he does it... |
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A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!" ?? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"??"
Too good for this thread.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"??"
I take my hat off to you!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"??"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A Scotsman was up a ladder cleaning the bedroom windows when he noticed 50p fall from his pocket. He was taken to hospital for stitches after the 50p hit him on the back of his head. |
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh brilliant some of the jokes on here ...
" I will take it as a compliment" , " I must have said it wrong then " best line out of Downtown Abbey so far |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A Scotsman was up a ladder cleaning the bedroom windows when he noticed 50p fall from his pocket. He was taken to hospital for stitches after the 50p hit him on the back of his head."
A-ha! See Jock, I told Ya. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A girl asked me the other day if I prefer legs or breasts. I said " to be honest, a freshly shaven pussy really turns me on".
Apparently, I'm not allowed back in KFC!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An irish mothers letter
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.
You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!
Your father has a new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Auntie Maggy has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your Uncle d*ck drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.
Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day.
I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.
Your loving Mother,
PS I was going to send you 100 dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I awoke early this morning
The Earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my windowsill
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun
It seemed his very trilling
Brought up the morning sun
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed
Gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head!
I am NOT a morning person!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What is a Rodeofuck? You start by screwing your wife doggie-style, then you put your hands on her shoulders then whisper in her ear that her sister is a better lay than her. Then try to hold on for 8 seconds. |
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Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, "I'm pregnant"
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
She says, "I think it must be the second coming!
The priest, shocked by this reply asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Me and my mate Dave where in the pub when he pipes up.
"Back when I was younger I shagged my teacher"
"That's fucking disgusting dave" I foamed
"Is it fuck, she was fit and gagging for it and I was a horny teenager!"
" Dave! You were fucking home schooled"
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