FabSwingers.com > Forums > Ireland > Bad Joke Thread II ©
Bad Joke Thread II ©
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My Boyfriend dumped me because of my addiction to Chess.
I was masterful though, I kept my emotions in check. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 29/09/16 09:47:04] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guy took his pet giraffe out for a drink at the Safari Bar...
The Giraffe couldnt handle his drink and got wasted and collapse on the bar floor...
The guy got up and started walking out leaving pet giraffe on floor...
Barman says you aint leaving lying there are you???
Guy turned around and says Its not a Lion its a Giraffe
I will be here all week.... |
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By *aid backMan
over a year ago
by a lake with my rod out |
why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yeah and after the Guy left the Red Squirrel staggered back in patting all his pockets, wobbles up to the bar & says "Hey, buddy have you sheen my keys"
"Err, no" says the Barkeep "why"
"Hic! Cos I'm locked out of me tree" says the Squirrel |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Is this thread so ya can get new material for your Stand Up Bad Comedy Act  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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It's therapy! You know how you get a line of a song stuck in your head? Well I find if I can pass it onto someone else, I'm cured. Mr's bad jokes are the same...
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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago
not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds) |
My girlfriend said "she was leaving me because of my obsession with the monkees". I thought she was joking ...then I saw her face..  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
... Don't worry, I'm not here all week |
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Why did the d*unken Mexican push his wife  off a cliff?
TEQUILA!!! (To-kill-her) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
... Don't worry, I'm not here all week "
Me likey.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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the other day I was walking my dog through a graveyard when there was a guy crouched behind a headstone.
I gave a nod and said "morning"
He replies "nah, just taking a shit" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Who are Beyoncé's favourite Emmerdale characters?
All the Dingle ladies... |
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When I think of it Johns orange soda fetish was kinda weird... wounder what his FANTAsies were! |
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally |
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What's black & dangerous & sits in a tree?
A crow with a machine gun.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats the last thing to pass through a bugs mind as he meets your windscreen at 60mph.
His arse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 old ladies meet up in town....ones says to the other " did you come on the bus".... the other one said " yes but I made it look like an asthma attack".....  |
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What small, red and hard???
A strawberry with a flick knife  |
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How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card
(De de de de de deh!) |
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Q Why did god give man a penis. |
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Two little old ladies decided to go to The Venue once thinking that swinging was type of dance. Both arrived and headed upstairs only to see a stark bollock naked man on the big circle bed.  One lady had a stroke, the other couldn't reach |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Guess which French footballer I saw playing Nintendo earlier?
Thierry on Wii... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What's yellow & smells of bananas?
Monkey sick... |
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I used to have a Job gathering leave's......
I was Raking it in
I'm here all week.... unless I get an offer |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A lobster went to a night club.....got lucky...pulled a mussel... |
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Three pieces of string all walk into a bar, get d*unk, rowdy, trash the place and hence all get barred. So, one string decides to change appearance and walks into the very same bar a week later.
The barman says
"Hey,didn't I bar all pieces of string just last week?"
To which the string replies
"No, no, I'm a fraid knot!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My girlfriend had a go at me for only ever talking about football and asked what I thought about Syria.
I replied, "I think it's between Juventus and Roma this year"
... taxi! |
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"My girlfriend had a go at me for only ever talking about football and asked what I thought about Syria.
I replied, "I think it's between Juventus and Roma this year"
... taxi! "
Duh!!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just been offered a hot deal from Vodafone.
A Samsung Note 7 with a limited edition fire extinguisher... |
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Did you hear about the Fabber who thought johnny cash was change from a condom vending machine?
Well, if you're waiting for a punchline, you're probably that Fabber |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is ten cows in field .... which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo Eight
(If ya get it Congratulations you have some Scottishness in ya ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Haha
It's not rocket science,
Gud 1 Jock |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is ten cows in field .... which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo Eight
(If ya get it Congratulations you have some Scottishness in ya ) "
Well my other name is Fionnadh so technically i have scottish in me, as it originates from scotland, meaning "fair lady" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My business venture to make clothes out of cheese has collapsed...
It turns out Fromage frays. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call an egg in a straight jacket?
A mad yoke... |
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My girlfriend dumped me because because because because because of my addiction to the Wizard of Oz |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wat do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Pregnant???? |
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By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago
Blantyre |
Paper bag goes to doctor feeling unwell.
Doctor runs a few tests.
Following week paper bag called back to docs for test results.
Doctor says I have bad news Mr paper bag .
You are HIV positive.
Paper bag replies I can't be I'm just a paper bag.
Doc replies yes your mother was probably a carrier. |
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What did the banana day to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking?
She's going to eat me! |
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By *P_80Man
over a year ago
Waterford |
I took a test to see if I was schizophrenic.
No I didn't. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My Ex had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.
Every time I put my ear to it I could smell the sea |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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How did the cheese paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex said she was breaking up with me because of my obsession with the monkees.. I thought she was only messing.. but then I saw her face |
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Two cows in a field. One said moo. The other said "shite, I was just going to say that" |
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My ex kept asking me to stop singing Oasis songs in public...
I said maybe  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats white...... sits beside your bed........... and takes the piss out of you???
A kidney dialysis machine... |
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What's wild, dark, hairy and listens to Oasis all day long?
A mad ferret!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I swear to god if I come across a group of those scary killer clowns, I won't hesitate to go for the juggler..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ian Paisley is in a car crash, coma for 4 years. When he awakes, Ian Paisley junior is by his bed and asks does he want the good news or the bad news first. He opts for the bad news. Ian Paisley junior says we all part of a united Ireland's and Jerry Adams is king of England. Ian Paisley groans, what's the good news. Well Rangers beat Celtic in the cup. Thank god says Ian Paisley, what was the score? 3-15 to 1-07. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Gluten free. So ya don't like the old Gluten eh? Anyone would think you're being awkward... I mean who doesn't like stretchy dough?
You just want to be different so from now on your slogan is...
"I go against the grain..."
Seriously, no-one? |
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"Gluten free. So ya don't like the old Gluten eh? Anyone would think you're being awkward... I mean who doesn't like stretchy dough?
You just want to be different so from now on your slogan is...
"I go against the grain..."
Seriously, no-one? "
We have a winner. There can't possibly be a worse joke than that? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do mafia and vagina have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and your in deep shit. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 pilots are coming into land.
The put the wheels down, line it up and hit the runway. The brakes start to screech as they jam them on hard and the rubber burns. But they run out of runway and go crashing through a few barriers before coming to a stop.
1st pilot says....boy that runway was pretty short.
And the 2nd pilot says....yeah, but it was really wide. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A guy goes into a funeral home!
Asks the priest for the Wifi Code
Priest says ' have a little respect for the dead'
Yer man goes' is that all lower case father???
Shamelessly stolen from kik chats today pml |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Woman goes to doctors complaining of a discharge...doctor puts her on examination table...gets her to remove her knickers...then feels and fingers her for a few minutes...
Then he asks how did that feel...
Very good she says...but what about my ear |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Love these threads!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Guess who i bumped into in Specsavers the other day??
Everybody
???? |
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"Guess who i bumped into in Specsavers the other day??
Everybody
????"
I read the death notices in the paper earlier and guess who's dead?
All of them!
B'doom tschh! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror? Halloumi |
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How does Tyson Fury clean his underwear?
He beats the shit out of them |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do you call a Wee Bear without any teeth?
A Gummi Bear... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What's long, hard & has cum in it?
A cucumber... |
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What's long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What did the banana say too the vibrator?
Why are you shaking?
Because she's gonna eat me. |
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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago
not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds) |
When the dj played jump by van Halen everyone jumped,
when he played sit down by James ..we all sat down..
Should have seen Eileen run when he said dexys midnight runners were next .. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn €400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on €
800 a year
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"A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn €400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on €
800 a year
"
Winner alright, winner alright |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn €400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
Haha
Thnxs!
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on €
800 a year
Winner alright, winner alright "
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have a fear of walking under Horse-Chestnut trees at this time of year with them shedding their fruit....
I really need to Conker it...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one...
But the light bulb has to WANT to change. |
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Was Cinderella a regular socialite or did she just love big balls? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn €400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on €
800 a year
"
Lol |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking about buying a Labrador"
Mick says "jaysus Paddy Ye'd want to be careful"..."have ye seen how many of their owners go blind"... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do you get if you work out the ratio of a Pumpkin's circumference to it's diameter?
Pumpkin Pi... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
Psychiatrist "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour"
Lady "How much for the whole night? |
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What a fairly hard thing to do?
Put it in soft |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What's a skeleton's favourite store?
The Body Shop... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What does Barbie like to do on Hallowe'en?
Pump Ken...  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Where do Werewolves live?
Warehouses. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He's leaving Friday....
Robinson Cruso |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What's a Mummy's favourite type of music?
Wrap... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One Day a young man met a Beautiful Girl and agreed to spend the night with her for €500.
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his Secretary write a check and post it to her, calling the Payment “Rent For Apartment”.
On the way to his Office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So,he had his Secretary send a Check in the amount of €250,and enclosed the following note.
For Rent Of Your Apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the Apartment I was under the impression that:
1) It Had Never Been Occupied
2) That There Was Plenty Of Heat
3) That It Was Small Enough To Make Me Cozy And Feel At Home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for €250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, first of all ,I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful Apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,there is heat!, if You know how to turn it on.
Regarding The Space, The Apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, so please don’t blame the Landlady! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I opened a nighclub called 'Erectile Dysfunction'
but it was a flop
nobody came! |
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Went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my underpants.
The Doctor said, "ignore them, they're talking bollocks" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's Blue and smells like Red paint.
Blue paint. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a candle & a curry?
A candle only burns at one end... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Orange is the new Black... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."
Step 2: Plug it into your computer.
Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.
Step 4: Feel like a hero. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 09/11/16 10:38:14] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From the new US Pres:
What's the difference between a wet raccoon and Donald Trumps hair?
The raccoon doesn't have 7 billion dollars in the bank!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my underpants.
The Doctor said, "ignore them, they're talking bollocks""
Made me lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did you hear about the China man whose wife died ?
He went back to Wang King . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'
What the make love is she talking about? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Trump follows through. |
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I got some new aftershave that smells like breadcrumbs?
The birds love it
The tweet about it to |
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What happened to the guy who put the condom on backwards.... He went.... |
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I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.
I'd better lilo. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Donald Trump runs for president of America ....... shit that's not a bad joke anymore !!!!!!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up. |
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what did cinderlla say when she got to the ball
nothing she gagged a little
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President Trump...
(A) its no joke
And
(B) its certainly not funny |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"President Trump...
(A) its no joke
And
(B) its certainly not funny"
Am yeah that was the point of it. Thooough???? |
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What goes up the road....down the road......across the road..but never touches the road..?....
The council.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What is a foot long and slippery
A slipper |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a lesbian (or Bi ) dinosaur?
Lick-a-lota-puss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats the difference between a mosquito and a blond .... when you slap a mosques it stops sucking |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a guy who lost his car?
Carlos |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the cooking pot & his best mate?
They're both Cauldron... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My girlfriend dumped me cos of my fanatical obsession with premier league football. I'm gutted. How can she just throw away 5 seasons just like that?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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2 elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff
Ba dum tissshhhhhhhhhhh. |
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I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, "They're behind you..." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An Cork man and an Arab are walking trough the desert
Arab says " I think I'll build a city here in the desert "
Cork man says " do boi " ( Dubai) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"
... but John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Taxi!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"
... but John came in fifth and won a toaster.
Taxi!! "
Boom boom basil |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whats the difference between a wank and eggs . U cant beat a good wank |
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What does a man with two right feet wear on the beach?? Flop-flops |
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What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory? TWO TEST TICKLES |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between light and hard ? You can sleep with the light on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's the difference between a bottle of wine and a man ?
Wine matures |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why did the Sperm cross the road?
Because Dave put on the wrong sock...
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why does Mr.Tayto have a phone?
Incase Johnny Onion Rings |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was at a funeral and I asked the priest what the WiFi code was.
'Have some respect for the dead' he said.
I replied 'Is that all lower case?'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Alsatian and bulldog in vet's waiting room. Alsatian says to bulldog "what are you in for?" bulldog replies "I humped my masters leg so he's getting me castrated, what are you in for?"
"well" says the Alsatian "I saw my mistress bent over the bath and I was so horny, I just couldn't help myself, I mounted her and rode her hard". "OMG" says the bulldog "no wonder you're getting castrated!" "castrated???" says the Alsatian "I'm just here to get my nails clipped" |
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What animal goes crazy at Oasis concerts?
A Mad Ferret (Mad for it!)
And to all future posts after this, don't look back in anger |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Good news insomniacs, only 5 more sleeps until Christmas! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My Korean friend just died...
So yung |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do you call a Mexican who's had his vehicle stolen?
Carlos. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Knock knock |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's worse than having a girlfriend with no boobs
Having boobs and no girlfriend |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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How do Mexicans keep warm in the winter?
They use Chicken Fajitas... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 29/11/16 09:17:17] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Waking the dead
One letter away from being the most controversial show on tv |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The police called to my door with a photo of my wife and said "Sir I'm afraid looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"
I said "I know, but she's good with the kids" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think John Lennon would have been great with the online shopping.... "Imagine all the pay pal"... Lol... |
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Did you hear that Sting was kidnapped?
The Police still have no lead  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Where do ill boats go to?
The Dock... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong
I say whatever floats your goat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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*In a hotel in London,*
The room service boy knocks on the door, and says "Here are your Pringles sir."
The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing totally confused.
Finally he says "Ya Habibi, I said *Bring girls."* |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"*In a hotel in London,*
The room service boy knocks on the door, and says "Here are your Pringles sir."
The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing totally confused.
Finally he says "Ya Habibi, I said *Bring girls."*"
I've got the same look as the Arab... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"*In a hotel in London,*
The room service boy knocks on the door, and says "Here are your Pringles sir."
The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing totally confused.
Finally he says "Ya Habibi, I said *Bring girls."*
I've got the same look as the Arab..."
That's a good look on you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If the bottom is falling out of your world..
Drink milk of magnesia and the world will fall out of your bottom |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why did the bacterium cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes when I turn the lights off to mastrubate it feels like jesus is watching me...
Mexican prison is shit.. |
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A small boy was lost at Dundrum Shopping Centre. He approached a Security Guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa" 
The Security Guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied...
"Jack Daniels and women with big tits." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to be a flasher..
I was going to give it up..but then I thought...
I'll stick it out for another year |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Guy goes to the doctor & explains "I've somehow got a mince pie shoved right up my arse"
Doc says, it's OK I have some cream for that... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints  |
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What kind of bees make milk and not honey?
Boo Bees! |
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How do you catch a unique sheep unique up on him lol |
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[Removed by poster at 17/12/16 23:23:49] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you catch a unique sheep unique up on him lol "
Hey Bo - this is how you find them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wife and Husband talking...
Wife : What do you like best about me ?
My face or my sexy body ..
Husband:
Your great sense of humour
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I sometimes wear my Meatloaf knickers on meets.
On the front they say 'I would do anything for love...' on the back they say 'but I won't do that'... |
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My best mate died last month due to bad indigestion...
I still can't believe Gav is gone.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I think I'll move to England for next Christmas...
Surely after Brexit there will be no Brussels... XX |
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Husband = I can hardly wait.
Wife = Do you want me to leave ?
Husband = Don’t even think bout it
Wife = Do you love me ?
Husband = Of course always have & always will.
Wife = Have you cheated on me ?
Husband = No. why are you even asking
Wife = Will you kiss me ?
Husband = Every chance I get !
Wife = Will you hit me ?
Husband = Hell no’ Are you crazy
Wife = Can I trust you ?
Husband = Yes
Wife = Darling
Now read back.
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I was out on friday and this lady rocked up to me and asked if I would kiss her under the mistletoe....i took a stem back looked her up and down and said....
Sorry Darling, I wouldn't kiss you under an anesthetic....
true story.......
not! Merry Crimbo everyone
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hoe do you catch a tame rabbit
you do the tame ting! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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What do you call a horny square?
Erectangle... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” - See more at:
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What does it mean when a man is in your bed calling your name and gasping for breath?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm releasing a single for charity this year called "Duvet know it's Christmas."
It's a cover... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'.. |
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What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder |
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